Just as a heads up for anyone that may find it triggering, this chapter contains brief mention of binge eating.
"I spoke to my therapist today, about my eating habits" Shelby told Rachel as they laid together in bed on Tuesday evening, "because I know that's something that worries you."
"I didn't…"
"It's okay" Shelby reassured her, "I know this isn't easy for you. My therapist said that lack of appetite is common with depression, and that the meds she's prescribed can alter my appetite too. She's asked me to keep a food diary for the next week, and she said that if the diary worries her, or if my appetite doesn't improve as my moods start to stabalize and my body gets used to the meds, then she'll refer me to a dietician, and the doctor changed the dosage of my medication, she wants me to try it for two weeks and if I'm still not feeling any benefit then she'll change it to something else."
"Thank you for doing that" Rachel said quietly. "I appreciate you bringing it up, and telling me about it, I don't want you to think I'm getting over protective or that I'm prying into things…"
"You're my daughter" Shelby told her, "and for now we're living in the same house, you're going to notice things like how much I eat, or don't as the case may be. That's not a private thing. And I appreciate your concern, I just wish you didn't have to worry about me."
"It's okay" Rachel reassured her, "I'm just glad that you're here for me to worry about."
Shelby was trying, she was eating dinner with Rachel and her fathers, allowing Hiram and Leroy to put food on her plate and doing her best to eat everything they gave her. Unfortunately that meant that most days she skipped lunch to give her a better chance of being able to eat dinner with the family, and, as much as she hated herself for it, some mornings she found herself unable to eat breakfast either. Luckily for Shelby, Leroy seemed on the ball, seemed to know without her saying anything when she was struggling, presenting her with a smoothie when he knew she couldn't face eating anything.
"Hir" Leroy mumbled, rubbing at his eyes when he was woken by his husband getting out of bed, early in the hours of Saturday morning, "what's wrong?"
"Someone went downstairs almost thirty minutes ago, I think it was Shelby, she hasn't come back up yet, I'm going to see if she's okay."
"Okay" he sat up too, "I'll come down with you."
"Shelby?" the only light they could see was that from the cooker hood, but even so, as they stepped into the kitchen, Hiram and Leroy could still make out the tears rolling down Shelby's cheeks as she sat at the table forcing herself to eat a protein bar she obviously didn't want to be eating, the amount of food wrappers scattered over the tabletop worrying both men, neither sure what was going on. "Shelby" Hiram sat beside her, gently putting his hand on hers, stopping her taking another bite, "Shelby, stop this."
She shook her head, fighting against his grip, the glazed look in her eyes telling him she wasn't really there, and for the first time, Hiram could truly say that he was scared by Shelby's behaviour, "I need to eat it."
Leroy leaned back against the side, letting Hiram speak to Shelby but staying close enough to step in of there was anything he could do to help, "why?" he asked softly.
"Because… because…" Shelby had no words so she forced herself to her feet with such force that Hiram had to grab the chair to stop it tumbling over. Her fingers fumbled with the knot in the belt of her robe but she eventually managed to untie it, pushing the thin fabric off her shoulders so she was stood before the men in just her underwear. Any other time she'd never have done anything like that, would have been too self conscious of the scars that littered her stomach and thighs. Any other time she'd have been only too aware that it was only the positioning of the fabric of her boyshorts across her hips that kept her biggest secret just that. Any other time she'd know that one wrong move could expose the one thing she'd vowed never to speak about again. But not tonight. "Look at me" she gestured to herself, to the outline of her ribcage, her clavicles protruding like they were about to snap through her skin, "it's horrible, I'm disgusting and I, I need to eat" she reached, almost robotically for the protein bar.
"No Shelby" Hiram gently took hold of her arm, even in the semi darkness he could make out, not only the bones that had disgusted Shelby, but her scars, the physical reminders of her mental anguish. "You're not disgusting, you're struggling, and that's okay" he told her, not noticing Leroy slip from the room, "and I think you and I both know this isn't the way to eat more Shelby, this isn't healthy."
She said nothing but broke down, huge sobs taking over her body as she fell into Hiram's open arms, "I'm sorry" she clung to him like he was the only thing keeping her afloat, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Hiram nodded in thanks as Leroy returned with the blanket from the armchair, unfolding it and draping it around Shelby's shoulders, noting how he could make out most of her vertebrae, it was obvious that Shelby's issues with food had been going on for a while, "you've got nothing to be sorry for Shelby, "nothing at all."
"Shelby" Leroy sat in the chair beside his husband, "I know it might be a tough question for you to answer but how much have you eaten?"
"All of it. And the leftovers from the fridge and… and… and."
"It's okay" Leroy put his hand on her back, "it's okay, you don't need to tell me anymore" he did a quick calculation in his head, including the leftovers but not including whatever it was that Shelby didn't manage to tell them about, she'd eaten more calories in the last hour than she usually did in two or three days.
"I'm sorry" Shelby sobbed, "I'll replace it all, I didn't… I just want it to stop" she cried. "I want to be okay. I just want to be okay."
Leroy heard Shelby heave as she sobbed, his reflexes quick, knocking the lid off the trash can and holding it out just in time for Shelby to vomit into it,the force of her cries along with her unusually full stomach too much for her tired body to handle, "you're okay" Leroy reassured her, holding back her hair as she continued to heave over the trash can, "it's okay." He waited until Shelby stopped heaving before getting her a glass of water, "just sip it slowly" he said as he lifted the glass to her lips.
"I think we should call your therapist when the office opens" Hiram said softly once Shelby's sobs had calmed to quiet whimpers, "see if we can see about changing your meds and getting you some more help sooner rather than later because this obviously aren't working for you is it?"
Shelby shook her head, "I just want to be okay" she whispered.
Hiram wiped at Shelby's tears as Leroy rubbed circles on her back, "you will be" he promised, "you're doing so well Shelby" he heard her scoff, "you are. If you'd have been in your apartment tonight and you'd felt this way, what would you have done?" Shelby's silence answered for her, "and you didn't do that did you?" Shelby shook her head, "and that takes strength Shelby. I promise, you'll get through this, we'll make sure of it."
"I'm so tired" Shelby whispered.
"I can imagine" Hiram nodded, he knew how exhausting it was to spend every day fighting with your own mind, and Shelby seemed to be fighting something much bigger than he'd ever struggled with so he could only imagine how desperate she was for both physical and mental respite from her demons. "Why don't we go and lay on the couch, we'll be comfier than we are here and you might be able to doze off for a little while."
She nodded, "yeah" she whispered, "okay."
"Shelby" Leroy spoke gently, "do you want me to go and get you something to wear?"
She nodded again and sniffled quietly, "my pyjamas are in the bathroom" she told him.
"Okay" Leroy quickly gathered up the food wrappers and pushed them into the trash can, "I'll go get them for you. Do you… do you think you might need to take a pill."
"I, I don't…" Shelby knew it was probably a sensible thing to do but she hated how it made her feel after she'd taken it.
"Why don't you just take half?" Hiram suggested, "like you did the other evening, it made you feel a little better but without as many as the side effects, you felt well enough to go to work the morning after it." Shelby said nothing but nodded against Hiram's chest, giving Leroy her permission.
"Okay, I'll bring it down for you" Leroy gently rubbed Shelby's back a final time before heading back upstairs.
Hiram continued rocking Shelby in his arms as Leroy went to get her pyjamas, kissing her hair and rubbing her back as she sobbed into his chest, Hiram desperately trying to calm her down before she had a panic attack. "I, I don't like being sick" Shelby sobbed as she felt her stomach churn again. "not since…"
"Not since what?" Hiram prompted gently.
Shelby shook her head, realising she'd said too much, "doesn't matter" she clung to Hiram as more tears fell, her frail body trembling in his arms.
"I think it does matter" Hiram said gently as he wiped at her tears, "but I won't force you if you're not ready to talk about it."
Leroy helped Shelby back into her pyjamas once he came downstairs and, once she'd taken her medication he easily lifted her into his arms, carrying her through to the living room and sitting her on the couch where she, almost instantly, curled back into Hiram as she cried, her body eventually going limp in his arms as she cried herself to sleep.
Hiram said nothing but looked up at Leroy, closing his eyes when he felt his husband place a gentle kiss to his head. "I…"
"She's been looking at inpatient treatment" Leroy sighed, "she showed me a place she'd been looking at last week."
"What did you say?"
"I told her that whatever decision she made we'd support her, but I also suggested she mentioned it to her therapist before she made a firm decision, especially as she seems to still be struggling with her feelings from the last time she was hospitalised."
"I've got an emergency contact number for the therapist, I'll wait until a more decent hour and then call her, and hope she doesn't suggest taking Shelby to the hospital."
"Do you…" Leroy sighed, "do you think she's going to hurt herself?"
"I hope not" honestly, Hiram wasn't sure anymore, "I think that if she did want to do anything like that, she had every opportunity to do it tonight, it was obvious that she'd been downstairs for a while before we got there, and maybe what she was doing was a form of self harm but…" he sighed, "it could have been worse. God, how bad is that? We're grateful that she didn't hurt herself 'worse' than she did. I wish there was something I could do."
"You're there for her Hir, whenever she needs you, you're there, you hold her and you comfort her and you make sure she's getting the help and support that she needs."
"It's not enough though is it Leroy, she's still…" he gestured to the woman sleeping against him.
"This isn't your fault Hiram, it's not my fault and it's not Shelby's fault either. Just like if Shelby had a physical illness, that wouldn't be our fault either. Yes this is more than we can deal with alone, but we're not doing it alone, Shelby's getting professional help, she has a doctor and a therapist and they will help her get through this, and we'll do all we can to help her too. I suggested that she sees a dietician or a nutritionist so that might be something to bring up when she sees her therapist."
"I suppose so" Hiram sighed, "I guess I just wish I could take this all from her."
"Do you need to see someone?" Leroy asked, "if you're struggling with this then we can get you some help too."
Hiram shook his head, "I think I…" he sighed, "seeing her like that shocked me a little, I've never, this was the first time I've ever been scared by her behaviour."
Leroy sat beside Hiram and put his arm around him, pulling him in and kissing him softly as he ran his fingers through Hiram's hair. "I know, but hopefully this is just a blip, that seeing her therapist and maybe changing her meds will help get her back on track, she's been doing well, this is just a temporary setback, you know you had them too."
"I know" Hiram sighed, "I know, I'm just glad she's here, that we heard her, that she wasn't at home on her own, wasn't sat down here all night forcing herself to eat until she was sick."
"Me too, and I'm glad Rachel didn't find her."
Hiram nodded, "she erm, Shelby she told me she doesn't like being sick, so I don't know what would have happened if she'd been on her own. She said she didn't like being sick since something happened but she wouldn't tell me what."
"If she doesn't want to talk about it with us then maybe you could suggest that she talks about it to her therapist."
"Yeah" Hiram gently stroked Shelby's back as he felt her stir slightly, reminded of all the times he'd settled Rachel when she'd been younger, "I think there's so much she's trying to keep bottled up that it's somewhat inevitable that that bottle is going to overflow eventually." He saw the way Leroy was looking at him, "what?"
"Will you make an appointment to see someone?" he asked, "I'm worried about how this is affecting you, and please don't tell me you're okay, if you really were okay about all of this I'd be even more worried about you Hiram."
Hiram nodded, "I feel like I'm managing right now but if it makes you happy I'll make an appointment on Monday, Shelby's seeing my therapist so I'll see someone else in the office, I don't want there to be a conflict of interests or for Shelby to worry that her therapist's going to break her confidence when she's speaking to me."
"Okay" Leroy kissed Hiram softly, "thank you."
"What about you?" Hiram carefully shifted his hold on Shelby so he had a hand free to take hold of Leroy's, "how are you holding up?"
"It's hard seeing her like this, seeing how it's affecting you and Rachel but I'm coping, I just wish there was more I could do."
"I know" Hiram said softly, "I know and I'm sure Shelby knows too, that you're doing everything you can, and that if you could do more, you'd do it in a heartbeat."
"She knows the same about you Hir, she knows we're all doing the best we can for her."
Hiram leaned up to kiss Leroy, "why don't you go back to bed?" he suggested, "she'll know something's wrong, but I'd still like Rachel to go to dance in the morning if she will. You need some rest."
"Let me take Shelby upstairs" Leroy said softly, "you need rest too if you're going to be driving Shelby to her therapist, I'll put her in our bed and you can stay with her, I'll sleep in Rachel's room."
Hiram nodded, "I'd appreciate that, thank you" he wasn't sure he'd sleep but he knew that he and Shelby would both be more comfortable in a bed.
Once again, Leroy lifted Shelby into his arms, the woman so exhausted she didn't even stir as she was moved. "There we go" he laid her on his own side of the bed and pulled the covers over her. "Get some rest" he told Hiram, "and if you, or Shelby need anything at all I'll be in Rachel's room."
Hiram nodded and allowed himself to be embraced tightly by his husband. "I love you".
"I love you too, and we'll get through this, all of us, we'll get through it I promise."
