**AN: trigger/content warning: self harm (cutting), questionable suicide attempt, bullying**

Before Ben knew it they were touching down on Yavin IV to see the man who had just sent him to his parents. The other padawans didn't leave under normal circumstances, usually only if there was a death in their family. Luke had promised that he could help him quiet the voice and get control of himself, but even though there were stretches of days, sometimes weeks that he didn't have a splitting headache, or go into an uncontrolled rage, there wasn't much progress.

One month ago

Before he'd left, he was in the woods where he liked to get away from the other students, trying to meditate when Asauro came up and slammed a practice saber into his side. "Hey, gigantico, I've seen you eyeing my girl."

Not true, Ben thought to himself but still kept his eyes closed through the ache in his side. Asauro's "girl" was one who taunted him more than others. Gangly, big ears, weak, creepy, and stupid. Those were some of her favorite insults. Ben was tall. He towered over most of the adults at the academy much less the still growing boys that were his classmates. He struggled to keep his concentration but with Asauro circling around him, it was hard to maintain. He'd been slightly levitating off the ground but he lowered and turned to face Asauro. "She's not even on my radar. Anytime there is interaction, it's because she is talking to me," Ben snapped.

"She is just disgusted by you. But you won't leave her alone." Asauro mocked. He edged closer to Ben. Ben just kept backing up for every step that Asauro made forward. But he was soon backed into a tree. He'd wanted to avoid this. He'd been in too many fights, and he hated the look that Luke gave him when he was inevitably brought in for punishment. Ben didn't mind the extra cleaning, or the extra laps, not really. He just hated that the other students got the benefit of the doubt, and he didn't.

You are so much more powerful than this boy. Show him.

"No," Ben snapped. He tried to back up even more, but the bark of the tree cut into his back, even through his robes.

"Freak. Are you talking to yourself again? I should teach you a lesson." Asauro swung and his fist connected with Ben's nose, a sickening crack and a gush of blood followed.

Show him. NOW! The voice demanded and Ben complied. He wiped the blood from his face and spit out the coppery taste from his mouth. And if it landed on Asauro, then all the better. Ben was the one advancing now, and with a wave of his hand Asauro was thrown against a tree. Ben held his hand in front of him and Asauro stayed suspended in the air. Ben used the force to put pressure against Asauro's neck and his face began to purple.

"Ben! No!" His uncle's voice rang through the trees. Ben shook his head and the slimy feeling of the dark quickly drained from him and he slid to the ground, tears streaming down his face. He didn't register Asauro crashing to the ground and turning to run through the trees. He also missed the disappointed and disgusted look on his uncle's face. "Come on," Luke instructed and Ben lumbered to his feet and followed. He was led to his room, and Ben stayed there. He wasn't sure how long exactly, until the door opened and one of his teachers placed a canteen of water and a portion packet on his desk, and backed out of the room. Several more meals were brought and Ben stayed on the bed except to relieve himself and occasionally take sips of water.

Luke never showed.

No one ever came to give him punishments. But his racing mind and extreme guilt was probably more punishment than they could come up with. Ben finally felt the familiar anger rising up and it made him feel even more guilty. He picked up one of the books on his bedside table and was prepared to throw it but instead let it slip from his fingers. Instead he got up and reached under his mattress for his blade. He spun it in his hands and pushed down the anger until he was filled with guilt again. It soured his stomach and he swallowed down the bile and traced the blade over the inside of his arm. Then he sliced.

Deeper than he had before. The blood came faster than he was used to. And spots danced in his vision. He lay back on the bed, and stared at the ceiling. Who knows what might have happened if his door wouldn't have crashed open.

He looked up sluggishly to see his mom. Guilt, worry and sadness washed over her face, as she ran to his bedside, and yanked a rag from gods knows where. She wrapped it tight around his arm and he barely registered the pressure as she yanked it tight.

"Oh, Ben. Why?" Leia murmured, reaching up with the hand not putting pressure on his arm to push a strand of hair from his face. It was so tender that he wondered how this could be the same woman who constantly left him, even when he would beg and cry, grabbing on to her robes as she would board a ship when he was younger. Han would pull him away, and gruffly tell him to be a man and let her go.

Soon Luke swooped in the room, and took Ben's arm into his calloused hands. Ben felt the tingling, cool power of the force wash over him, and his skin itched as it knit back together. Once Ben was no longer in danger of bleeding out, Luke inclined his head and Leia followed him into the hall.

The next morning, Ben followed her to a shuttle and they met up with the Falcon and set course to Jakku.

Now

Ben shook off the memories and picked Rey up, and carried her down the ramp, setting off for the school and the man who rejected him.