OkayBoomer: Why thank you! :3 Glad that you had a laugh. "This fic is both cursed and blessed at the same time," you right fam lol. Cabbage Merchant Azula vs canon Azula is a battle that I'd love to see. Cabbage Merchant Azula will bring everyone to their knees!"
CeCeHigganbotham: That is their new relationship slogan. "Why does Azula need the machine of Ulimate Mind Control? Are cabbages the way of taking over Ba Sing Se? Or is it about money? Orrrr, is it about restoring the glory that cabbages once possessed and they want to make Azula their queen but she must prove herself worthy of such an honor?" Honestly, she just wants to be able to buy her gotdamn pan-fried noodles! She has many goals really, her main one is to make her cabbage business flourish. Brainwashing is her new cutting edge marketing strategy.
gemsofformenos: "The big coup is getting closer, for both Azula and Sie." I can't wait until ya'll read who the victor is lol. "Basco knows more about it, probably." Oh Basco. What a creature that bear is! "And a cabbage onion juice might be the chance he needs for more scene time with Azula." I mean it wouldn't hurt to sell beverages. But he has competition with Iroh. "Too good to be true so far." It is never that easy lol. "By the way, your version why Iroh hasn't conquered Ba Sing Se for the Fire Nation would really deserve to be canon!" Thank you. It is canon, I have decided. I reject the actual canon and improvise my own. "Still I fear she'll go ham/pork/steak/insert food of your choice about it." She might just and then everyone will suffer. "I love the interactions between Jet and Azula." They are a lovely couple. "I'm only worried, where she had found her test victim for her new marketing strategy." No one will ever know where he came from. "But I fear she needs to keep an eye on Long Feng's other business partner." He absolutely does lol. "No matter how this will go on, I already know, that we got a *~ really cool ~* prize, this story here. My favorite chapter so far. Great job, keep on having fun with your stories" xP I hope you enjoy it because this one is my favorite chapter thus far!
"This is madness."
"Go back to your own universe." Azula frowns.
"You can't just brainwash people into joining your side." The woman insists.
"I can and I am." Azula frowns. "And my boyfriend is helping me do it."
"My fiance once helped me commit monstrous crimes against humanity, it doesn't end well." The woman argues, her fern green eyes burning into her.
"There is nothing monstrous about cabbages. If anything, I am helping them achieve healthier diets." Azula folds her arms over her chest.
"You're going about this the wrong way." The woman says.
"Fuck you and your eyebrows!" Azula declares.
The woman narrows her eyes. "I'm trying to keep you from making a mistake. Brainwashing people is unethical."
"Brainwashing people is unethical." Jet mocks in the background.
"Don't tell me what's unethical!" Azula snaps. "You tried to murder your fiance with a spirit canon!" She does not know where from she has acquired this knowledge.
"I didn't try to murder my fiance. He asked me for nudes, I misread the text and sent nukes." She pauses. "Honestly, I think it was kinda hot."
"Yeah, I suppose that is kind of sexy." Azula agrees as Jet mutters something about how it is actually quite horrifying.
"Who are you?' Azula asks.
"I'm you, but Earth Kingdom." The woman declares.
"Fascinating." Azula replies. It makes little sense being as this woman is older than she, but somehow, on an instinctual level that it is true. This woman...they are the same person. And if that is true, then she knows exactly how to get her to leave. "Your mother doesn't love you." A single tear slips down Azula's cheek. But it is worth it, the woman shouts, "PROTEIN", punches a hole through the wall with her foot, looks back, and gives Azula what has to be the most regal and well-mannered middle finger that she has ever seen.
Yes. They definitely are, somehow, the same person.
Except Azula is the better her. Clearly, better. If nothing else, she has much better eyebrows than her swol, Earth Kingdom counterpart.
With a final desperate look and another, "don't do this, don't make the same mistake I did…" the air around her closes in on her and sucks her back into whatever pocket in space that she had emerged from.
"Yeah, fuck you, you better run!" Jet declares.
"Jet, she got consumed by the universe." Azula replies. "I got consumed by the universe." She adds more softly. She turns back to her brainwashing equipment. If the man strapped to it wasn't shitting bricks already, he certainly is now that he has witnessed that display. "Now. Where were we?"
.oOo.
"Ooooor I can make onion and cranberry juice."
"Guru Pathik…" Aang grumbles.
"How abo-ooo-ot…" He makes spazzical jazzhands. "...Onion and sulfuric acid juice!"
.oOo.
"Thank goodness we're in time!" Sokka shouts.
"In time for what?" Kuei asks.
Basco glowers at Sokka from the corner. "Nevermind…" boy says."
TyLee pushes the matter with a, "Yeah. What are you in time for," she wriggles her eyebrows. "cutie?"
"Uh, I'm kinda doing activites with Suki."
"Who?" TyLee asks.
"I don't think that those guys are Kyoshi warriors." Toph says.
"How do you know have you ever seen Kyoshi warriors." Mai asks.
"No but I can smell the emo on you. I know what the clank of Hot Topic jewelry sounds like. Kyoshi warriors don't recruit emos or anyone who uses axe bodyspray. Trust me, I know. I use axe bodyspray."
Mai flinches, for she thought that she was the only one emo enough to access the secret interdimensional Hot Topic store. She must eliminate the competition at once. With a flick of her wrist she launches a daggers at the girl. One of them is shaped like a Keanu Reeves, she resents that Toph will not be able to fully appreciate its beauty.
TyLee decides that productivity is second priority and takes to dancing with Sokka she makes a few jabbing disco motions which Sokka imitates. "Oooh, it's like we're fighting each other!"
.oOo.
"Everyone, stop!" Jet calls. "Hammer time!"
"What's hammer time?" Sokka asks asks.
"Quiet, or I'll run the Earth King through." Azula says.
Sie clears his throat, "mam, that's a cabbage."
"Yes." Azula nods. She finds it most effective to hold enemies at cabbage point. "I assure you all that you don't want to know what damage I can do with a single cabbage."
"Okay, but I'm supposed to be the one holding the Earth King hostage."
"You are holding the Earth King hostage." Long Feng says.
"Then who is this?" Azula asks.
"Oh I'm just Quin Bohyuk Ching Shang the fourth. I am a hunter of anomalies." He pauses. "I am here for…"
"I won't let you hurt Basco!" Kuei declares from where Sie has him held at flame point.
"You have no choice." Sie declares. "This fight is over."
Toph and Sokka drop their weapons and TyLee, being ever so cautious, chi blocks them. Momo, tries to fly but the Dailluminati are well aware that the creature is surprisingly and unapologetically jacked. He is also not allowed to be a Kyoshi warrior, for he too wears axe bodyspray. Knowing such, they encase him in stone. But Momo is not afraid, Momo can flex his way out of this if he has the desire. He hasn't the desire though, he just wants some lychee berries.
Having no more use for the Earth King, Sie shoves the king away. "Get them all out of my sight."
"What. An. Asshole." Azula mutters. "What kind of person does that?" She turns to Jet. "What kind of person holds an Earth King at flame point?" She asks as if she hadn't fully intended on doing that herself. Jet does not point this out. Jet values his budding relationship with the socially inadequate cabbage merchant.
Long Feng strides arrogantly into the room with some more Dailluminati agents in tow. "Now comes the part where I double cross you. Dailluminati, arrest the Fire Nation princess!" One of them steps forward, but this is only because he has tripped over Mai's Keanu Reeves knife. "I said arrest him! What is wrong with you?!"
"It's because they haven't made up their minds." Sie says. "They're waiting to see how this is going to end." He casts a squeamish look at the cabbage merchant. He can see the malice in her eyes. She is plotting something. She is always plotting something. But what?
"What are you talking about?" Long Feng asks.
But he isn't quite sure. The cabbage merchant is though. He can see it in that smug expression. He opens his mouth to speak but the merchant talks first. "I can see your whole history in your eyes. You were born with everything, so you never had to struggle, and connive, and claw your way to power. But true power, the divine right to rule, is something you work for." Yes, indeed the divine right to rule is bestowed upon those who have earned it. The fire princess hasn't earned it, not like she has. And Long Feng...well he definitely had the strugglys too she can see his whole history in his eyes (she in fact sees everyone's histories in their eyes, she had once wanted to become a history teacher but she sacrificed that dream for greener cabbages) but he has not had to work as hard as she. And therefore he should not be blessed with the divine right to rule. "The fact is, they don't know which one of us is going to be sitting on that throne, and which one is going to be bowing down." She adds.
Sie's look of concern grows. "But I know, and you know." She sits down on the throne and crosses her legs. "You have no idea who much these shoes hurt my feet."
Both Long Feng and Sie seem to deflate.
"Do I still get my ~*really cool~* prize?" The second Long Feng finally speaks up.
"I suppose." Azula rolls her eyes. "I am, afterall, getting exactly what I want."
Long Feng squeals in delight and holds his hand out.
"Jet."
Jet steps forward. "Here you go." He smiles.
Long Feng unfolds the slip of paper. As he does so, Sie whispers, "we're really not going to talk about how there are two Long Fengs?"
"Wh-what is this?" Long Feng asks.
"It is dickbutt." Azula replies. "I drew it myself."
Long Feng deflates once more. "You've beaten me at my own game." he remarks as a single manly tear rolls down Sie's cheek.
Azula smirks, "Don't flatter yourself! You were never even players." Her smile fades, for neither was she.
Bosco grins in the corner.
Azula swallows.
They all swallow.
Basco cackles.
