"Are you ok?"

Ben had woken up feeling not only satisfied but truly happy for the first time in years. It was not necessarily the fact that they had finally made love, though that made him feel incredible and he was barely keeping himself from smiling like an idiot, but the simple fact that she was happy. She was happy with her work and their life, which meant that she would no longer have a reason to leave or run away. And he would no longer live in fear or have nightmares. They would go back to their old life as the perfect couple.

Smiling, he touched the rumpled sheet and exhaled relaxed. Without any crippling fears to torture him, he got out of the bed and went to the guest bathroom after finding the main one locked with the water running. He would have normally panicked, worrying about her safety, but instead, he brushed it off and minded his business, though impatiently waiting to see his wife. But now that she was in front of him, she didn't seem to share his excitement.

Rey looked at him, visibly ashamed, making her husband's gaze soften in awe. He approached her unsure of her reaction, analysing her body language. So pure and innocent, shying away just like after their first date. He smiled at her, but instead of any sign of affection or having her run to him and cuddle at his chest, she just stood there, frozen, until her body began shaking uncontrollably and she fell to her knees. Ben ran to her and kneeled as well, hugging her frail body.

"I'm sorry," she cried. "I'm so sorry."

Ben caressed her head completely confused.

"Don't cry," he kissed her forehead. "It's ok. It's ok, my love."

But Rey began crying even harder. When she finally seemed to have run out of energy, his sweater was already wet, soaked in tears. Rey sniffed and looked at Ben's worried face, making him feel even more conflicted. He wanted to laugh at her tomato-red face, swollen lips and puffy eyes, but also scold her. He eventually chose a neutral tone.

"I knew that it was too early."

"What… wh-what do you me-mean?" asked Rey sniffing and wiping her face.

"Aren't you crying because we…"

Rey shook her head still avoiding his gaze.

"It was good."

It was perfect.

"Then what's wrong, my sweet love?"

She tried smiling at his kind words, but with guilt pressing on her chest, she only felt the urge to cry again. After all, their relationship so far had been nothing but a step forward and two back and right now she knew she was stuck in a step back. She whimpered and put her arms around his chest, hugging him and trying her best not to hurt his broken arm.

"I don't know who I am," she murmured.

"It's ok. Your memories will come back."

She shook her head pulling him closer and tighter.

"I don't want to. I don't want to remember anything else. I'm fine like this. I'm fine with my childhood memories and the little I know about us. I'm happy to know that we love each other and that we can be a family."

Ben felt torn apart. Her words were not necessarily a love confession, but a desperate one. She was afraid, seeking comfort and reassurance. It was not what he wanted from her after their clumsy first night of love, especially not after years of absence, longing and pain. But things were never going to go according to his plans and wishes. They never had. The only thing he could do was to make things easier for her. Protect her. Love her. Just like she had always done for him.

He brushed his nose against her forehead and inhaled her scent. Coconut skin and almond and milk hair. He put his arm around her waist and helped her get up and sit on the bench before rested his head on her knees and let her play with his wavy locks.

"I don't deserve you," she whispered. "But please don't leave me."

Her plead felt like thousands of knives and it reminded him so well of his own pleads.

When no one believed him that he was not involved in her disappearance.

When no one believed him that she was not a cheater and a liar.

When no one believed him that she was still alive and would return.

Ben looked at her naked thighs, knowing that she was not wearing anything under the large T-shirt. He got up on his knees and pulled her to the edge of the bench and gently parted her thighs.

"Ben!" she cried pulling down her T-shirt, trying to cover herself. But Ben ignored her shy protests, instead placing his palm on her belly and pushing her to lean backwards. Once she grabbed the margins of the bench to keep herself from completely falling on her back, she capitulated. Her face was still red and Ben was starting to guess why his pretty little wife was often red just out of the blue. Unlike her former self, she was a shy little one. He smirked and leaned in, kissing the skin under her belly.

"Ben," she gasped. "Please, I…"

"Last night you were begging me for more."

She found herself chuckling at the ticklish sensation.

"I know, but this… it's weird and embarrassing and…"

"Last night you didn't seem to mind," he insisted.

"Yeah, but I was not completely naked and it was quite dark," she defended herself all flustered.

"Oh, trust me," he chuckled. "You'll like it."

His voice was the perfect mixture of soothing and seductive. Rey nodded giving him her approval, then closed her eyes. The excitement in her chest reminded her that it was not the first time they were doing such a thing. And if she were to consider some of her previous dirty thoughts and memories, yeah… it used to be one of their favourite and most enjoyable activities. She bit her lower lip and eventually let her entire body lay on the bench, though tensing at the chilly touch of his breath.

"Will it hurt?" she asked more to distract him as she was well-aware that she would like it. Otherwise, her body wouldn't have felt that nice and she wouldn't have felt all those butterflies in her stomach. Ben just gave her a mischievous smile and she closed her eyes.

"If I might say this, Mrs Solo, I think you're quite enjoying this."

"I think I do," she said getting up and leaning in for a kiss, knowing perfectly that she would taste herself on his lips.

"I promise I'll get better at this," she joked minutes later with a forced smile once Ben stroke her nape. He breathed heavily and pressed his lips on her forehead. She had barely enjoyed herself, each movement being a complete failure that she ended up letting Ben take control and use her body with her permission.

"It's fine," he looked at her with nothing but love in his eyes… love she did not deserve. "Rey?"

Covering her face, she got off him, then pulled her knees to her chest, hugging them as she buried her face in shame. Feeling utterly powerless and lost, Ben clenched his jaw watching her weep.

"I can't do this!" she cried holding the toy elephant. "I can't live without my baby!"

"It's fine, dearie."

Rey wiped her snot on her sleeve, completely ignoring that she was no longer a child and that she was in the house of a stranger. Ben and she had just recently moved in that town, but she already had a couple of customers asking her to deliver them her goodies daily. However, it was not very professional of her to weep in front of her newest and richest client.

"I'm so sorry," she murmured. "It's still so recent and the toy was in my bag and I-"

"I said it's fine, dearie," stressed Phasma each word as she stroked Rey's knee. "How about I pour you some more tea and you keep talking? I can see you are in need of a friend."

Rey nodded and took a paper napkin off the table. She had friends… her brother and Rose and Ben, of course, but sometimes you needed new friends. People who didn't know you that well and who could be more objective and unbiased.

"It's ridiculous. I was so fine after it happened, but I've kept overthinking things. It was a mere tadpole and I didn't even know I was pregnant. There are women who make plans, decorate nurseries, buy clothes and toys, pick names, and their babies are stillborn, die at birth or soon after. It's just… ridiculous! I am being silly."

"A woman is never silly when it comes to her pain and experiences."

Rey looked at her with big eyes, not sure what to say. She was an iron lady, but no one could deny her intelligence or emotional intensity.

"I've kept thinking whether it was going to be a boy or a girl. My husband and I have some money, but we're currently investing it all in our house and in the cafe I want to open. I can't imagine how a baby would have… fitted in our current lives, but I would have loved it anyway. My husband has the deepest eyes and such gorgeous hair. I keep imagining our dead baby as a toddler with his dark eyes and his curls. Ben would have been completely smitten by him. He is very talented and has done some amazing work with the furniture and decorations, so I am sure he would have built entire train sets for the baby. And I've never told anyone, but I am quite good at making dolls, so maybe I would have taken out Auntie Maz's old sewing set and would have made him all sorts of plushies… an entire family for this elephant."

She stopped to breathe and take a sip out of the lemon tea.

"Do you have a name for the baby?"

Rey's blinked slightly lost in her thoughts. She had many names for any of her future children, but that was not what she cared about right now.

"I grew up in misery," she sniffed. "I've always been so hungry and desperate. Hungry for food and affection and desperate to have something to call mine. When I first met Ben, it felt as if fate wanted us together. But of course, I was just a child and he was ready to leave for college. Oh, I cried so much… I kept imagining scenarios. He would come back and he would fall in love with me or ask me to teach him how to bake or…" she exhaled letting out a loud whimper. "And it never happened. I spent an entire week crying and mourning the death of my love for him and when I thought I had forgotten about him, my brother's friend saw him on the street and invited him to sit at our table. And you know… he remembered me. And I fell in love and he fell in love with me. He offered me a home when I ended up losing my second one. All I had to do was to take care and make sure that our chance at a family of our own was going to come true. But I was reckless and I killed our baby and now…"

She looked at her client, whose posture was similar to the one of a statue.

"What are you exactly afraid of, dearie?" she asked taking a bite out of a rum ball.

Rey sniffed again and pursed her lips.

"What if he gets tired of me and leaves me and I end up all alone?"

"Then, dearie," said Phasma leaning in rather menacing. "I guess we better make sure it doesn't happen."

Rey licked her lips nervously. Make sure that Ben wouldn't get tired and leave her or make sure she wouldn't end up all alone?

The lake was as frozen and grim as the day she had returned from the dead. She could now perfectly remember opening her eyes and trying to get up, but barely being able to flinch. Her body was hurting, but at the same time, it was slowly becoming paralysed. She looked at her arm hanging over the edge of the dock and at the icy surface of the lake. Was she going to die there? All alone? It made sense… after all, she'd been all alone her entire life. It was her curse.

"I'm cursed…"

She rested her head on the tree behind her without looking at her husband. She couldn't look at him. Especially knowing what she had done to them. No matter how much she'd struggled to try to find a reason, scribbling in her diary all sorts of theories, her mind could still not accept her… it wasn't even a mistake. It was stupidity and cruelty. The same woman who cried her heart out for a tadpole ended up rejecting another child. What did she even do? Did she abort it or did she give it up? And why? Was it someone else's? Was it Ben's and she no longer wanted to have a family with him? Was, after all, everyone right about her? About her disappearance?

"Could you ever forgive me?"

She heard Ben's footsteps crushing the hard snow under his feet and beneath her almost closed eyelids, she saw him approaching her. However, he did not come any closer and just stopped, turned to face the lake once more, then sat down on a tree stump.

"Yes."

She snorted, feeling the dry tears on her skin crack like a clay mask, and finally looked at him. He was staring at his shoes and had almost his entire face hidden under his hood.

"You don't even know why I'm asking you for forgiveness."

"Doesn't matter."

"So regardless of any of my past mistakes…"

"You said you are satisfied with your life as it is. I respect your decision."

"But what if you find out I did something terrible?" she insisted and Ben finally lifted his gaze.

"Do you have anything to tell me?"

She gulped and closed her eyes.

"No."

She was sure he could see through her lies, but she was most certainly not willing to put the rope around her own neck. If she had once managed to bury her sorrow, she could do it again. A small price to pay for their happiness.

"Sorry," he murmured pulling his phone out of the pocket. "Yes, Rose."

Rey watched him closely as he nervously chewed on his own lip for a while. He eventually furrowed and closed his eyes letting out a miserable sigh. Suddenly panicking, Rey leaned in and waited for him to hang up.

"What's wrong?"

"Umm…" he hesitated, licking his lips. "It was Rose."

"Yeah, I heard. What's wrong? What happened?"

"Phasma."

"What's with her?" she raised her voice feeling the panic quickly turn into anger.

"She reported the situation of the orphanage to the authorities from the big city. They… they took away the children this morning."

Rey knew her spirit was stronger than this, but she still felt something inside her break.

"But their families? I think some of them still have families here. The boys and their gran-"

"It didn't matter. Phasma was able to provide enough evidence that they are not living in a proper environment and they were taken to the kids centre until they will be further taken by foster families."

Rey took a deep breath to calm her nerves and keep the tears from flooding her face.

"It's my fault. I defied her and she did this to punish me."

"Maybe," he murmured. "But maybe it's better."

"How can you say this?" she lashed at him getting up and heading towards the lake. "Everyone has tried so hard to keep the kids and the elders warm and safe!"

"I know, sweetheart, but it's still not ok to have the kids crammed up in a bedroom in a retirement home because the orphanage is in ruins, nor is it ok for them to risk starvation or freezing to death. They all ended up being ok just because Rose asked us and I asked Luke to get more help, but it wasn't our responsibility."

"If it wasn't ours, then whose was it?" she cried frustrated. "Before Maz took me, the other kids and I used to-"

"That was twenty years ago, Rey," he stood up and went to her. "No one can decide for them but the authorities. We can't keep them in a nineteenth-century cage just because we grew attached to them."

"I… but I wanted to be a volunteer there and help them like Maz helped us ."

Ben put his hand on his shoulder, encouraging her to finally face him and reveal her pained face. She wiped her tears and cleared her throat, trying to appear brave.

"You said that they will be taken by foster families. What about Anna?"

"What about her?" he shook his head feeling that the discussion would further sink her spirit in a pool of despair.

"She is an orphan like us, Ben!" she grabbed his hand with desperation. "We might be her best chance at having a loving family! She already likes us and she is only a little girl! Why m-"

"Rey!" he said on a firm tone. "We can't."

Her eyes filled with tears and she clenched her jaw.

"But you said it yourself! You want us to adopt and have a family! Why do you want to keep her in the system if you like her as much as I do?"

Ben cupped her face, forcing her to look at him.

"I know what I said and I meant every single word, but… I was not considering all the facts. Sweetheart, I'm on sick leave and you, despite your work at the cafe, are legally unemployed. I was accused of killing you and you were gone for three years and you currently still suffer from amnesia. No one would ever give us a child… or at least not right now."

Rey let out a miserable cry. She had listened to each word and could now see the facts clearly, regardless of how cruel they were. Indeed, she was a mess, but only as long as she was still willing to be one. Maybe it was time to make a huge change, even if that change was not the most correct for any of them.

Sometimes being a hermit was so much better than experiencing the complicated turmoils of marriage. No matter how charming certain advantages of married life had always seemed, with each year spent all alone, he eventually became immune to ridiculous dreams and any cravings for affection. That's why he could never understand his father's distress, his sister's struggles or his nephew's overall nightmarish life. However, he could still sympathize with the idea of loss, loneliness and abandonment, though not at a romantic level. Sometimes it was not enough, as he had learnt those past years, as his nephew only seemed to hate him each time he failed to show any sign of empathy towards his situation. He couldn't lie that he indeed cared about his broken heart, but he did care about justice and order, but especially duty. It was his duty to protect the boy and to help him find his charming wife. Yet, there was a fine line between protecting someone to fulfil a promise and to bring justice and order and protecting someone to spare them misery.

"...I can't remember that, but I know for sure that I was bleeding. My nose was bleeding and I couldn't breathe. I wiped the blood with my red scarf, the one my brother gave to me, then I opened the car window for air and that's when the wind took my scarf and it must have got stuck in that tree."

"So you passed by the lake, but never stopped there."

"Yes. I am sure of this."

"Do you believe her?"

Luke turned to his nephew, using his crutches clumsily - he hated those things and pointed with his chin at the young Mrs Solo. She was quite calm, though he could see that she was struggling really hard to keep herself from playing with her hair or biting her lip nervously. She was putting on an act and even those who didn't know her could see through if they chose to.

"She doesn't even know what lies to say because she doesn't know all the details," chuckled the old man. "So… do you believe her?"

"Yes."

Ben looked at him with his ancient dark eyes filled with apathy. He knew his uncle was expecting an explanation, so he cleared his throat and lifted his chin proudly.

"I believe her."

Luke snorted causing Ben to furrow.

"Ever since we had the accident, I've been seeing things so much more clearly. I've analysed every test result and x-ray. I've reached a point in which I waste entire nights giving phone calls, emailing people and researching. It's not my job to this, but I do it for you, kid. And now you're telling me that you're fine with that poor excuse of hers? That she had a car accident and that the one who hit her must have taken her? Ben, there was no blood or proof of someone having been hit by a car. She was in no hospital in this county… or at least not in those first months we searched for her in hospitals."

Ben narrowed his eyes and approached his uncle looking rather menacing.

"What do you mean?"

Luke shrugged.

"I thought you didn't care anymore."

"Fine," he whispered.

"Ben, you begged me… demanded me…"

"I said fine ! I don't believe her!" he yelled looking at the files spread all over the desk. He looked at the CT scans and skimmed over the doctor's notes and observations.

"We've been looking for the wrong clues."

Ben whimpered becoming more aware of his own suspicions.

"That scar is not from an accident, Ben. And there are probably other things that both of you must have noticed by now."

"I was trying to get back home," he heard her tell the policeman.

Of course. If he were to make a list of all of the theories he had been trying to ignore for the past month, he would have an entire tome. And suddenly, he could not escape her words from five years ago.

Then I will leave for three years. One to get used to being far away from home. One to do whatever the hell I want. One to get used to the idea of coming back home. Then I'll leave again. If after six months I am not happy with myself and everything and feel out of place, then I will leave once more and this time for forever.

But how did her plan include that surgery and the… He shook his head and looked at his uncle in the eyes.

"I choose to believe her, Luke. Even if this is the price I must pay for happiness and tranquillity, I choose to pretend that these past three years have been nothing but a bad dream."

"Then all was in vain," deflated the old man completely disappointed.

"Mmmno."

Luke stared at his nephew. He hadn't heard him use that tone since he was a child.

"Keep investigating. Right now, I don't want to know anything, but in six months, I might. So you have my permission to keep digging."