Hello everybody! I had a lovely anon reviewer who wanted to see some exploration into Leila's loneliness and how she deals with her trauma. I have to versions of this, one where Vlad is understanding and one where he is an asshole. I decided to post the nice version because he isn't that much of an asshole. Anyway, thanks for the review anon and I hope to hear from more of you.
Leila forced a smile as Vlad got ready to leave, the sight of his muscles tensing as he got dressed not sending the normal bolt of arousal through her that it usually would. He had noticed that something was off, but she had reassured him that she was fine and she would be...just as soon as he got back safely.
It wasn't like the errand Vlad was going on was particularly dangerous, it was just long and tedious. It hadn't even bothered Leila until he had told her that she should stay home for the trip. At first she had thought he was mad at her for something, despite not remembering doing anything to anger him lately.
When she asked, he had been quick to correct her assumption. "I'm not mad at you, I thought you would enjoy the chance to relax at home. The meetings I have to go to are dreadfully boring. If I could get out of them, I would. Unfortunately, one of the duties of the voivode is to handle these meetings."
Leila had bitten her tongue to stop herself from asking to go with him anyway. The last thing she wanted to do was alert Vlad to her little issue.
Ever since her kidnapping from their home, she had been having problems staying calm when Vlad was gone. If he was home then she was fine, but the minute he left she would be on edge and anxious.
The first time Vlad had left her alone at home she had been beyond startled to feel that fear. She had thought it was her instincts warning her of an attack. She had stayed up throughout the night waiting for something to happen, but nothing did. Vlad came back the next day and had been surprised to see that she was still awake. He had been under the impression that she had purposefully stayed awake to greet him upon his return and Leila had let him believe that.
She would never tell her husband, who had survived a decade of rape and imprisonment with brutal determination, that she was scared to be left at home without him after her much shorter and less severe capture. She felt stupid that she had this problem to begin with and she didn't want to risk Vlad scolding her over it. She was a grown woman, she shouldn't have to have someone home with her to hold her hand and keep the fear away.
Which led her to where she was now, watching her husband get dressed and prepare for a week long trip that he wouldn't be able to keep his phone on him for. Again she mentally lashed herself for feeling this irrational fear. Zsylagi was dead, Vlad had ensured it, so there was no reason to feel afraid of being home without him. Besides, she was decently lethal in her own right.
Vlad pulled the last piece of clothing into place before turning to her, immediately calling her attention to him. He bent to kiss her before speaking, "I shall be back in a week at most, these meetings tend to last at least three days but sometimes I can get through them quicker. I won't have my mobile on my person, but the emergency phone will be. If you need anything, call it."
The discussion that was so similar to the one they had before her kidnapping had her head reeling, but she forced a smile and hoped it was genuine. By the narrowing of his gaze, she got the feeling it wasn't.
Before she could try to change the topic, Vlad cut her off with a hard tone. "Leila, is something wrong? You seem to have been more tense over the past few days. If there is something amiss then bring it to my attention."
His hand stroked her face as he stared into her eyes, his coppery green gaze bore into her own as if he were digging her secret out of her through their eye contact.
She was so tempted to tell him, but she stopped herself right before she was going to open her mouth. It was ridiculous. She was not going to ask Vlad to stay home from an important meeting because she was afraid of being away from his side. No, she would see him off with a smile and when he came back safe in a week she would know that her feelings were irrational.
His worry and care helped her pull a more genuine smile off, the sight of which convinced him with her words. "I know I've been a bit more tense lately, but it's nothing. I'm just not used to no one actively trying to kill us so I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop." The best lies were hidden in truth and this time was no exception.
Vlad lost the intent stare he had leveled her with, instead an affection look replaced it. His lips brushed her forehead, his emotions wrapping around her like a hug in the instant he cracked his shields. "If someone should attack, you will be fine. You are an exceptional warrior in your own right and you are surrounded by many more. Zsylagi was the only enemy I have that was powerful enough to stage that kind of attack, so you can rest assured that until I make more enemies you are perfectly safe."
His words didn't reassure her as much as he probably wanted them to, but she kept her smile as he said his goodbyes. She made a point of brushing his hand before he left to check into his future and bit back a sigh of relief when she saw nothing of worry. It had become a tradition for her to check his future before he left. She knew that he was a bad ass vampire who was older than some civilizations but she couldn't help but worry. Thankfully, Vlad put up with it like a champ. He didn't complain about it, simply offered his hand for her to see for herself that he would be fine.
Knowing that he would be fine did wonders for helping her anxiety for his health, but it didn't do anything for her own. As she watched him walk out the doors to their home, it was all she could do not to run after him and beg to go with him. She could do this.
She could not do this. She didn't even have to breath anymore but she found her chest tightening and panic skittering down her spine when she couldn't seem to pull in the, unnecessary, air into her lungs.
It had barely been a day since Vlad had left and she wasn't sure how she was going to last the rest of the week. If that was how long Vlad took to come home then she wasn't sure what she would do with herself. She had been fighting this feeling off and since the moment that Vlad left and even a day later it hadn't calmed down.
As she slid down the door to their room to sit on the ground in front of it, she bit her arm to keep herself from making any sounds that would attract concerned guards. The last thing she wanted were strangers worrying about her. She knew some of the guards and would consider Samir her friend, but the only person she would trust to see her like this was Vlad or possibly Kira.
But if Vlad was here then she wouldn't be having this problem and Kira was all the way in the states so neither of them were an option. As another spike of fear slammed into her chest she bit deeper, not stopping even when she tasted her own blood. She had to find something to make this stop or she would never be able to be away from Vlad for any length of time.
Medicine was useless now that she was a vampire and that was the only thing she could think of that would help in this case. She had lived similar experiences through various people's essences over the years but for the life of her she couldn't think of what they had done to make it stop now. Most of them had used medicine, that much she could remember through her panic haze.
Tears blurred her eyes as hopelessness sat like a rock in her gut. Would this be how it was from now on? Feeling this overwhelming fear anytime Vlad was away? This wasn't healthy and she didn't need a trained therapist to tell her that to know it.
A knock on the door made her jerk back into reality, the voice of one of the staff members ghosting through the door as she scrambled to get up and make herself appear marginally sane. "Ma'am, is everything alright? You've spent a lot of time in your room since the voivode left..."
She bit back a curse as she scrubbed at her eyes and yanked her shirt over the blood stained bite mark on her arm. Of course the staff would notice her absence from her usual routines, not to mention she hadn't gone out to feed yet. The only thing she had done since Vlad had left was shower and pace their room, the thought of sleeping or even leaving the room sent a new thrill of fear down her spine and despair through her chest. How was she going to handle this?
With a firm mental shake, she answered the waiting staff member while opening the door. "I'm not feeling myself today and I didn't want to subject anyone else to my mood." Not quite the truth but not a lie either.
The lady in front of her seemed dubious but let it go. "Would you like to feed, since I am already here?"
Leila nodded, stepping out of her and Vlad's room with great reluctance. The tight feeling in her chest increased, making her swallow to relieve her suddenly dry throat. "Yeah, I would appreciate it. Sorry for the trouble, I think I need more sleep."
The staff member waved off her concern, offering her throat which Leila quickly bit into. With her eyes closed from drinking she missed the flash of worry in the staff's eyes which was carefully masked when she had pulled back and pricked her thumb to close the wounds.
It lasted all of thirty seconds, but by the time the lady was leaving and Leila had retreated back into the room it was all she could do to hold herself together and not lose the blood she had just drank. She was an adult, she could do this.
As she resumed pacing, she began to consider her options. She needed to research what this was and how to go about dealing with it because she couldn't avoid it forever. But with how freaked she was there was no way she could touch a laptop without frying it and the only one here was Vlad's. She would feel bad if she killed it by not controlling her electricity, not to mention explaining that to Vlad would make her current goal of not telling him about her problem more difficult.
The shelves of books caught her attention and she immediately walked over to them. Most of them weren't in English and she doubted that Vlad would have a book on mental health problems in his private room, but it was worth a shot.
After searching the shelves twice over and finding nothing, disappointment curled around her heart. She knew that it was a long shot, but still…
The only place that might have books on this would be the library, which was two floors down and usually filled with people. While she could ask someone to get the books for her, that was too obvious and would definitely get brought to Vlad's attention. If she wanted the books then she would have to go and get them herself.
Forcing a breath that she didn't need past her tight throat, she opened the door to their chambers and stepped out. The hall was empty, to her relief, as she began to power walk down to the library.
She could hole herself up in there once she got there. This would also help reassure the staff that she was fine, since she had been cooped up in the room for over a day now.
The staff members that she passed bowed as always and she gave them the most genuine smile she could that still felt plastic. By the time she reached the library it was all she could do not to break out into a run and slam the doors behind her. There were less people here than usual but the few that were here would probably find the behavior odd.
As she looked out at the rows of shelves, she realized she didn't even know where to begin. One of the librarians came over, making sure to catch Leila's attention before approaching. Ever since her capture, all of Vlad's people had been careful to not sneak up on her. She appreciated it even as she was frustrated that it was necessary.
"Ma'am, are you looking for anything in particular?" The lady reminded her of Isa with her graying hair and kind eyes. Leila pushed her feelings back enough to think up an answer that would be plausible but wouldn't raise any suspicions.
"I am actually, I didn't think about how big the library was before coming in. What section are the psychology books in?" Maybe if she stayed vague enough they would assume she was just interested in learning about the human mind and look any further into it.
While the lady didn't say anything, Leila could see the flash of confusion in her eyes. Thankfully she led the way without asking, because Leila wasn't sure what she would say if she did ask. "Right this way deary."
They stopped a few rows in, where she gestured to the last half of the giant shelf. "All of these are psychology books. If I may ask, is there a specific area of psychology you are interested in? There are hundreds of books here and it may take you longer to find the one you need if you look through all of them."
She should have known she wasn't out of the woods yet. Scrambling to come up with an excuse, she answered. "I'm curious about something I relived in a vision, but I'm not sure what area it would be in. I think it was a mental health condition but it didn't feel like anything I had experienced before."
Again a vague answer that held seeds of the truth in it, she was getting good at this. The lady nodded, "Well we have five books pertaining to the various mental health problems, their side effects, and general information regarding them if you would like to take them?"
Leila nodded, still fighting to keep control of the panic rolling inside of her. The longer she was out here the worse it was getting and she was dying to go back to the room that smelled like Vlad. She could curl up with the books and snag one of his shirts to wear, maybe one of the books would have some information on how to keep this monster under control.
It only took a minute for the librarian to get the books and send her on her way, but they felt like some of the longest minutes of her life. The second the books were in her arms she threw a thanks over her shoulder as she power walked back to the room.
Some of the panic melted away when the door shut behind her again, but most of it stayed to her frustration. Determined to push past it without contacting Vlad, she snagged a shirt from his side of the wardrobe and curled up in the bed with the books.
Time to see if she could figure out what all was going on with her head and how to fix it.
She woke up the next morning curled into the blankets with the open book still sitting on her chest. Well, apparently Vlad's shirt had worked in calming her down enough to make her sleep…
Either that or the information in these books was so complicated she had fallen asleep to get away from it. Possible, since most of the words she was unfamiliar with and couldn't look up because she hadn't grabbed a dictionary from the library.
From what little she understood, she could be experiencing something similar to PTSD. She would have to read more to figure out what she was dealing with in particular and she didn't feel like doing that right this instant. Her head felt packed full of all the new terms that she had never heard before and would have to look most of them later, but for now she would take a break from reading.
Most of the different conditions she read about all said the same thing, eat right, drink water, take meds and see a therapist. The first and third ones would be useless for her since she didn't eat food and medicine wouldn't work on her. She drank plenty of water so that wasn't helping the problem and as for the therapist idea?
That just wasn't going to happen. If she couldn't handle it alone then she would try to talk to Vlad about it, or Kira, hell even Mencheres if she had to but she would not be going to talk to a stranger about this.
Frustration boiled as she put the book in her nightstand with a place holder to come back to where she left off. If she kept reading while only understanding some of the words it would just frustrate her more. Better to stop now and switch to a different book, hopefully that one would have less terminology she didn't understand.
By the end of the day she was sick and tired of reading psychology books and desperately missing Vlad's calming presence. It had only been two days since he had left and she was ready to curl into a corner and hide until he got back.
As she laid back into their bed, the empty spot next to her clawed at her heart making the hollow feeling increase as she tried to sleep. The room held a chill that she knew had nothing to do with the temperature, she had tried to light a fire but it hadn't done anything for this cold.
Exhaustion from the never ending panic and frustration with the entire situation made tears gather in her eyes. If this kept up she would have to tell Vlad, whether she liked it or not this was not healthy for her mentally, physically or emotionally.
After an hour of staring at the ceiling while trying desperately to not start pacing again, she gave up with a growl. Snapping open the nightstand, she fished out the book she had been reading earlier and tried to focus on it instead of the ache in her chest. If she couldn't sleep then she may as well try to get some more research out of the way.
The next time she woke up it was to warm hands and a familiar voice, "Leila, wake up." Vlad's voice had a hard undertone that made the hair stand up on her neck even as the fear from the last few days evaporated as if it were never there to begin with.
Sitting up, she caught the hand he had used to nudge her and interlocked their fingers as she shook the last of her sleep off. Vlad's brows were pulled down and concern practically oozed off of him as he looked down at her, or more accurately the book that was still sitting in her lap.
Suddenly wide awake, Leila tried to come up with a reason she would be reading this that Vlad would believe. Choosing to go with the one she had told the librarian earlier and hoping he fell for it, she answered. "I wanted to research something I saw in someone's past, but I can't understand most of the words in it."
Vlad gave a non committal humm. When he spoke his voice had an undertone of, "bullshit". "Research you say? You could have asked me if you were so curious and I would have helped you understand it."
Leila shrugged, knowing that she was digging herself a deeper hole but not wanting to cop to the truth yet, she didn't even really know what the truth was but she knew she didn't want to tell Vlad about her new weakness. He already had enough to worry about without adding her sudden fear about being without him. "I didn't want to bother you. You seemed busy with your meetings this week and it wasn't important, just something to pass the time."
He stared at her with his searching eyes again, waiting a beat before continuing when it was obvious she wasn't going to be saying anything else. His mouth curled into a hard smile as he spoke, "Did you know that one of the staff is an Empath? If you are unfamiliar with the term it means she can feel all the emotions of those around her. I have been talking with her about becoming an on call therapist for my home due to her ability."
Dread immediately slammed through her, she hadn't known there was someone here who could feel her emotions. She internally flinched at the thought of just how badly that poor woman must have been feeling over the last few days thanks to her panic.
Refocusing on Vlad, Leila grimaced at the tightly pinched look or irritation he sported. Oh yes, her husband knew and was not happy with her for choosing to keep it to herself. "Why didn't you tell me you were having problems with my leaving and you staying in the castle?"
She flinched outwardly before she could catch herself in time, well if he didn't know before he definitely did now… A sigh pushed past her lips as she moved to get out of bed, tucking the book to the side as she stood up to be at eye level with Vlad.
Her eyes skirted everywhere but him as she prepared to answer but she was cut off by his hands coming up to bracket her face. He gently guided her eyes back to him and his worried gaze captivated her own, making her unable to look away.
"Leila, have you been having suicidal thoughts?" The words made her jolt in surprise as his previous concern turned to pain as he misunderstood her jerk. A new type of panic spread as she rushed to correct his misunderstanding before he could speak.
"No! I haven't been having those kind of thoughts. You just surprised me with how out of nowhere that was." Her words came out jammed together but she knew Vlad understood them when he relaxed and a flash of pure relief came across their bond before he tightened it back up.
His eyes searched hers as he continued his questioning from before. While he was glad that she wasn't suicidal, he believed her vehemence on that front, it still left the problem that she had decided not to alert him of her suffering. That bothered him quite a bit. "I am glad, but back to my previous question. Why didn't you tell me before I left for the meetings? I would have brought you with me."
She tried to look away only for his hold to tighten and keep her staring straight ahead. "Leila, my Darling, talk to me. Something is eating you and I want to help, but I can't unless you tell me what is going on in your mind. Why didn't you tell me you were having these problems?" His eyes were imploring as they stared into her own, reigniting her desire to tell him everything. The use of her nickname sending shots of love and affection through her like he knew it did further pushing her to answer him. He must really be worried if he was breaking out her nickname...
She knew that she was being ridiculous about this, but the idea of telling Vlad about her newest problem made her feel like a child that was embarrassed about wetting the bed. She shouldn't need help with this, but by the look in Vlad's eyes he wasn't going to let this go.
So after a moment of consideration, she explained what she knew. "I didn't want to tell you, for one because I have no idea what exactly is wrong with me. That's why I had the books, I was trying to figure out what was going on before I did anything else."
She trailed off after that, not wanting to say her other reason for not telling him but Vlad nudged her onward. He stroked her cheek as his voice dropped into a comforting rumble. "And the other reason?"
A frown twisted her mouth harshly as she thought on how to best word it. Giving up, she blurted it out. "You've dealt with worse than I did, but you have no problem going anywhere alone. I shouldn't be reacting like this when you went through worse and-"
He kept off her words with a kiss, a hiss of frustration breathed against her mouth before he yanked back. His eyes bore into hers as he glowered, "Don't compare what happened to me in my boyhood prison and your capture. One pain is no more or less devastating than the other. Don't try to downplay the trauma you went through because it didn't last as long as my own. You were skinned alive, starved and nearly raped. Don't tell yourself you have no right to these feelings and especially don't hide them from me because you think I won't take them seriously due to them being supposedly lesser than my own boyhood suffering."
His words hit deeply, unmasking a fear she hadn't even acknowledged carrying. She had been afraid he would brush her feelings off or scorn them like her father had done so many years ago. In retrospect it was ridiculous to think he would do such a thing, his history would make him more likely to empathize than to deem her feelings childish. It was easier to avoid the fear altogether by trying to figure it out on her own and let Vlad be none the wiser, but that wasn't how marriages worked.
Even if she had succeeded and managed to haul it back under control before he noticed anything, she would have been hiding something big from him. It could turn into something worse and then it would've been even harder to tell him about it. Even though she didn't like talking about it, maybe it was a good thing he had been told.
Seeing her understanding and guilt, Vlad sighed before pulling her forward to brush a tender kiss against her forehead. "Swear to me that in the future you will bring anything that concerns, frightens, or angers you to my attention. I'm here to share your burdens whether they be emotional or mental. I will never scorn you for feeling something, even if I don't understand where it is coming from. That I promise."
Leila swallowed past the lump in her throat, she had severely underestimated Vlad in this case. She should have known he would do his best to support her, even if he didn't understand what she was going through. A wobbly smile tugged at her lips, "I promise to bring things that concern, frighten or anger me to your attention from now on."
The reiteration of his words made his mouth twitch up, before he wrapped her into his arms again. His voice breezed past her ear from where he had her pinned to his chest. "Good, now let's discuss your fear of being left alone in our home."
She immediately grimaced, but didn't try to fight her way out. Vlad knew about it now, he wouldn't let it go until it had been hashed out. Instead she chose to burrow deeper into his throat and inhale his scent. It had already been washed out of the shirt she had snagged, but smelling it straight from the source instantly relaxed her. It also gave her the willpower to attempt to describe what she had been feeling the past few days.
"I don't know how to describe it and I'm probably not going to make any sense. It's just this...fear. But not like I'm standing in front of an enemy with a weapon fear. More like I'm standing with a silver knife in my chest and someone is about to twist it. But there's no one there. And it only happens when I'm left here without you. I was fine when we were hunting Mircea, so it isn't being left alone that does it. I think it's because this is where I was captured from, and I always feel safe with you so it just doesn't penetrate when you're here?"
It ended on more of a question and she could only hope he understood because she certainly didn't. By the darkening look on his face, apparently he did.
"It sounds like it is leftover fear from being captured from our home when I wasn't present. If that is the case then I will simply take you with me on my future tasks. The only reason I didn't this time was because I assumed you would be bored to tears while waiting for me to finish the meetings. Now that I know what you were going through here, I see boredom is the better option."
A flash of remorse speared across their bond and made Leila tighten her arms around him. "Don't blame yourself for this. I should have told you but I didn't want to remind you about my kidnapping. Now that you know we can work on it together, right?"
Her tone was colored with uncertainty toward the end, they hadn't exactly talked about what they would do with the new information besides him taking her along on his errands. Was there anything they could do?
His arms tightening around her before releasing her got her attention again, "Yes, together. I need to research this before we try anything though. The mind is a tricky thing and the last thing we want is to make this worse when trying to make it better. The books you already have will be a good place to start, from there I can find others to better explain the details or methods we could use. In the meantime, you mentioned terms you didn't understand?"
He began leading her back to the bed, his familiar warmth sending the past few days worth of cold away. As he went to climb in, he stopped and stared at the clothing hamper across the room. Before she could ask what had his attention, he spun around to face her with a serious expression. "Why is one of your shirts stained with blood?"
She internally cursed when she glanced over and saw the shirt she had previously worn. She must have gotten blood on it when she bit her arm the other day. Grimacing, she reluctantly answered while reminding herself that she had promised to tell him these things. "I bit my arm. I couldn't think straight and I was getting overwhelmed. When I started to drowned in the feeling I bit myself to use the pain as a focus point."
It sounded much worse when she said it out loud and by the dark look in his eyes, Vlad agreed with her assessment. His mouth twisted harshly, "Don't do that again. Never harm yourself as a way of distraction. If you need a distraction, come to me. If I am not available, find a staff member and have them bring you to me. I will make myself available."
Warmth settled into her chest as she nodded. His complete support was refreshing and after the last few days worth of fear she wanted nothing more than to melt into his arms and stay there for the year. Thankfully Vlad seemed to have similar thoughts, tugging her into their bed before folding himself around her like a living blanket.
"Sleep now, Darling. After the past few days you have had, you need the rest." Leila hummed dazedly against his throat as she began to drift off. The only thing that had been keeping her awake had been his absence, now she could finally sleep peacefully agan. As his hand began to rub at the knots in her spine that had formed from the tension of the past few days, she knew that everything would be okay. They would get through it, together.
And we are done! Next one should be another fluffy one for Vlad and Leila. I'm thinking some stress relief is in order.
