IF YOU WANT ME YOU CAN HAVE ME-PART 28
It's me again ;-) As I promised yesterday, I'm updating the story with another chapter. Thanks for the reviews from yesterday. I'm ever so happy that you like the story (still). Today I decided to play psychologist a bit and delved into the events of Charles's past ,which will help us understand his current behavior better. We will discover some interesting things about Elsie's past too, but it's mostly about Charles this time. Hope you will like it too.
The next day Charles and Elsie spent the entire forenoon lazily. They were mostly lying in bed and resting, cuddling closely and talking. The breakfast was delivered to their room, so they needn't bother with going downstairs and that gave them a chance to really enjoy their relaxing time. When they ate, they put the breakfast tray on the side and laid down in the bed.
"I ate way too much this time, I need to start cutting off my food portions." Charles smiled warmly to Elsie, gently caressing her back.
"So, I was right yesterday. You are a glutton. Apparently so is the baby. Just look at me. It's all because of it's appetite and it's size."
"Elsie...You look lovely and you know that. The baby is getting bigger and stronger and that is all that matters. Of course it's going to be a big one, if it resembles me in any way. That's natural."
"Big and strong, just like the daddy. I just hope it won't get all your features."
"And what ever do you mean by that?"
"Your voice Charles, your voice. If the baby will get your voice, than you can be sure that we won't sleep a wink for the next few years. Just imagine this loud noise in the middle of every night. We will be one, exhausted people."
"So you don't like my voice then, huh?"
"I love your voice. But only when it's coming from you. That deep, commanding baritone. I still have shivers down my spine whenever I hear your voice love.."
"Uhmmm..That's more like it sweetie. So what should I say with my voice which will make you happy?"
"How about that you love me very much, even though I look like a big ball right now and it's only going to get worse."
"I love you very much and I will still love you even if you will turn into a sea monster Elsie".
They've cuddled so closely. Elsie put her head on his chest, inhaling his scent. That manly, musky scent that she adored so much. Charles wrapped his arms tightly around her, placing the sweetest kisses along her hairline.
"Charles...This is so wonderful. I never thought that I will ever be so happy, as I am now. Having what we have. And to think that one year ago from now, I thought that we will never get together. That you won't ever find a courage to ask the question. Can you imagine us still being apart now? Without having each other and our little precious one one the way?"
"I can't imagine that Elsie. I don't want to imagine this. We wasted so many years..I wasted so many years, but now I wouldn't be able to live without you. You give me so much happiness every day. You filled my life with love and joy, all the time. I don't know what have I ever done to deserved so much happiness. Having my angel beside me and our little baby." He placed his hand on her belly, stroking it gently. Thay've shared few tiny, loving kisses.
"I love you my sweet teddy bear. I could lie in your arms all the time. Just to feel so secure and protected."
"You will always be secure and protected Elsie, as long as I'm on this earth. I will never let anyone hurt you or the baby. Always remember that. You mean the world to me."
Elsie's eyes filled with tears, hearing this beautiful declaration from her husband's mouth. She raised her head up and looked into his brown, trusting eyes, full of love and reverence. She thought that it was worth to wait so many years, just to hear this words, to feel with every inch of her body the deepness of Charles's love. She raised her hand, which she held on his chest and stroked his face slowly, moving her delicate fingers through his temple, his nose, his lips. She placed her index finger in the dip on his chin that she adored so much. Charles was looking in her eyes, in those pretty, blue eyes which were expressing love and nothing else. The purest and the most beautiful feeling, that he had ever known. Sometimes he still couldn't believe that he held this beloved woman in his arms, the woman who was his and only his and the fruit of their love which was hidden inside her, waiting to arrive safely to this world. His wife. And his baby. Both safe and loved in his arms. They've created the family. Such a basic part of the community, known for ages. Yet still, it was a miracle, their own, very private miracle.
They started to kiss so softly, cuddling so closely. They just couldn't get enough of their love. They wanted to give and to receive. All the time. Slow and loving kisses transferred into unhurried caresses, unhurried caresses transferred into passionate movements and so they made love again. Very slowly, very sensually and very silent this time. For some amount of time, the only sounds audible in the luxurious suite of Scarborough hotel, was the sounds of two bodies tangled together and quiet whispers, ensuring one another of their mutual love. When the love act was over, Charles and Elsie lied together, spent but so enchanted with each other. Elsie was caressing Charles's chest, enjoying the feeling of his soft chest hair, while he was touching her bare back, rubbing it delicately.
"Charles..You think that we could have some walk along the beach after lunch? We got here yesterday and we didn't even leave the room yet?"
"Who would want to leave the room having you by my side Elsie? You and this big bed, not to mention this wonderful bathtub?"
"My big sex addict..Who would have thought? I wonder what the Downton staff would have said if they seen us now?"
"I don't care about that. Of course I'm a sex addict. With my fiery Scottish woman by my side? You would have worn every man out swiftly Elsie."
"Fortunately there is only one man in this world that I feel a special need to worn out."
"And who might that be?"
"It's Thomas of course!" Elsie was laughing loudly, seeing her husband's face expression.
"I'll give you Thomas! No Thomas and no other man. I will kill every man, who would even think of looking at my wife improperly."
"Aren't you possessive Charles?"
"Always...And you are right. We should take a walk. The weather is surprisingly nice this day. We will walk after lunch."
They got up, had a bath, got dressed and went downstairs to the restaurant to have some nice lunch. After the lunch, they went to walk along the beach. The weather was very nice and there was a lot of sun for this time of the year. That brought few people to the beach, more than they've expected. Charles and Elsie were walking slowly,arm by arm. They were talking and laughing. Having the best time. They were both incredibly happy. After a while, Elsie felt a little tired and they sat on the bench, enjoying the incredible sea view. Elsie moved closer to Charles, to feel his warmth and they held their hands, blessed by the closeness they were sharing. However, soon this blissful moment was suddenly interrupted. They heard shouts and cries behind the bushes, which were situated near the bench. Charles and Elsie looked at each other, intrigued and soon they hurried in this direction. They saw a mother with a little boy, he might be six or seven years old. He was standing, hunched, squeezing his plushy teddy bear and he was crying. The woman-probably his mother was shouting at him, causing him a great distress.
"What do you think you are doing here, you nasty rascal?! Didn't I tell you to stay here? Didn't I? You are such a troublemaker. Nasty, little troublemaker! Wait till I tell your father all about it!" She raised her hand and smacked this little boy few times, which caused a louder cries from the boy.
"Will you stop it at once! How dare you hit this boy? You have no right to do this!" Charles was furious, he jumped towards the woman. Elsie has never seen him so angry before. He looked like he was about to hit her in the face.
"Not your bloody business what I'm doing with my child. Get away from here!"
The sudden appearance of the older woman has saved the situation.
"Mable, I told you already, that you are not suppose to hit the boy! He is under my care and you have no right to hit him! Thank you Sir, I appreciate your help"-the older woman addressed Charles. "It's all right now. We can take it from there."
"I'm not sure that it's all right. This woman was hitting the boy! Who are you?" Charles's face was bright red and his anger emanate from him.
"I'm his grandmother and I will take care of the boy from now on. You can calm down. Thank you for your intervention."
The older woman, the younger woman and the boy went away. The boy was still crying, but he was looking trustingly at his grandmother, helding her hand tightly.
Elsie stood there frozen, she has never seen Charles so flustered before and they've known each other for many years. He was shaken and he asked her if they can go back to the hotel now. She agreed and he didn't say the word to her, on their way back. When they've reached their room, he mumbled something about feeling unwell and he went to the bedroom to lay down. Elsie was still in a state of shock. Her head was filled with so many thoughts. What happened few moments ago? What struck Charles so hard about this situation? What memories did it bring to him? She knew she had to find the answer to those questions. She felt that she was about to discover some painful truth about Charles's life and she wasn't going to let him go through this alone. She went to the bedroom, to find Charles lying on the bed, snuggled on his side. She laid next to him.
"Charles. What's the matter? What happened? Why were you so upset about this?"
"Elsie, I don't want to talk about it. I really don't."
"Charles. Don't push me away. Not now. You've been doing it for years, when we were not married but I won't let you do it to me now. No more. Please tell me, what happened?"
"Elsie..I can't..I really can't..It's too painful..I don't want to go back to that. There are some things that I can't talk about, even with you. These are secrets."
"Charles, I'm your wife. Your secrets are my secrets. Whatever you will tell me, will stay between us. You know me better by now."
"I do, but..."
"No but. Please Charles, tell me, I'm listening." She stroked his cheek tenderly, looking at him.
"Elsie, have I ever told you about my family? About my parents?"
"No, you haven't. You never told me anything about them."
"I left my family house when I was sixteen and went to straight to work. Sixteen years Elsie. Sixteen years of hell. I was living in hell. I was an only child, luckily. My mother and my father should never have children. But unfortunately my mother had me, but due to some complications after she gave birth, she couldn't have anymore children. She shouldn't have children in the first place."
"What do you mean by that Charles?"
"Elsie, ever since I can remember my parents were not doing anything else, but scolding me and hitting me. In every possible occasion. They hit a little boy, sometimes without a reason. I never had any toys and any child stuffs that I was suppose to have, but that was not the worst part."
"What was the worst part?"
"That they didn't love me and they kept telling that to me, all the time. My mother was constantly telling me, that I was a mistake in her life and my father told me that I was his biggest disappointment. I can't even count how many times I heard that, I should have never been born."
"Oh my..Charles...That is awful.."
"Remember that ring that I gave you when we were engaged? I told you then that it was my family tradition. It was passed to the eldest child in my family for generations."
"I remember...I still wear it."
"It was the only thing that I ever got from my mother and she only gave it to me because it was a tradition. Of course she didn't hesitate to tell me, that I won't probably use it anyway, because no girl would ever look at me or love me, because I'm just a worthless boy. That's what she told me."
Charles's eyes filled with tears, as he remembered this dreadful moment. And Elsie's heart felt like it was cut in half, when she saw the enormity of pain in Charles's face.
"Oh Charles..My darling...My sweetheart...I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have go through this nightmare, ever..." Elsie held Charles so closely, she let him lay his head on her chest, while she tenderly stroke the back of his neck, kissing his hair. She felt his tears streaming down his face and she kissed away all of them.
"Elsie..I never told this to anyone. This was my darkest secret. I was growing up believing that I'm a worthless person, who doesn't deserve to be loved by anyone. Then I started to work with Grigg and I met Alice. I fell in love for the first time and what? She rejected me and chose him, even though I treated her with respect. So, I thought that my parents were right. That I indeed not deserved to be loved."
"Charles, honey? Can I ask you something?"
"Of course you can Elsie.."
"Was that also a reason for your behavior when we met? That's why you were always so cold and distant? Not letting anyone, especially me near you for all these years?"
"Yes Elsie. That was exactly the reason. When Alice rejected me, I promised myself that I will never even try to love again. Ever. But then I started to work at Downton and soon you came. The minute you walked through that door, I knew that a promise I made to myself will be hard to keep. My heart melted when I first laid my eyes on you. I loved you from the first moment we met, but I promised myself that even though, I will never let you know about that. Because I thought that you will reject me too. I was convinced that I'm unlovable. That's why I was constantly pushing you away and that's why I Hurt you so many times, saying some heartless things."
"And you were very wrong Charles. You were and still are lovable. I loved you from the minute I crossed the threshold of Downton. In the moment I saw you, I had this feeling and I heard the voice in my head saying: "This is your husband."
"Really Elsie? Did you really feel that way?"
"Of course I did. And as you see it was true. I had to wait twenty years, but my feeling was true." Elsie smiled, looking at her husband with love.
"What sort of feeling is that Elsie?"
"Well it's just..It's a silly thing, promise you won't laugh when I tell you."
"I promise."
"That's the sort of feeling that I often have about upcoming events in my life and it always turns out to be true. My grandmother also had it. My beloved grandmother Amelia. She was even called a witch by some people. I guess it's just a part of my Gaelic heritage."
"A witch? What did I put myself into?"
"You have to be very careful my love, otherwise I will turn you into a frog"
They both laughed so heartily. Elsie was stroking Charles's back and she was kissing his hair all the time.
"Elsie, you are the first person in my life that helped me believe that I can be loved. I lost hope for that."
"Charles, don't you ever doubt it! I love you and I have never loved anyone in my life so much, as I love you. That will never change. I can't change your past. But I can and will change your present and your future. You will never be deprived of love again."
"Oh Elsie...Elsie...Why did I wait so many years to have you? To have this?" He placed his hand on her belly, touching it with reverence and love.
"Don't go back Charles. Past is past. The most important is, that we finally have each other, that we love each other and our baby. We haven't lost our chance"
"We haven't. I promise you Elsie that our baby will be loved by me from the first minute of it's life. I will never let it feel unloved and lonely as I was. I will always love and protect him or her."
"I know you will Charles. You are a wonderful man. And you will be a wonderful father. I have no doubts about it."
"I love you Elsie. I love you and the baby and that's how it's always going to be. Till my last breath."
"And I love you Charles. So much as you should always be loved."
They've kissed delicately and he put his head on her chest again, needing to feel secure and loved. The inner child inside him, the unloved and unwanted inner child was finally safe and surrounded with love.
Talk about psychoanalysis ;-) I think that explains a lot about Charles's life attitude. I always wondered why he is so distant and cold sometimes. I know that British butlers are suppose to be stuffy, but he definitely crossed the limit at times. As usual, they've managed to sort things out a bit and I'm glad. Hope you like this chapter. Sorry for any mistakes-I always think that I corrected everything and then it turns out that's not the case. If you like it, please let me know. I will be very grateful. See you soon!
