Chapter 27
+0066 Hours
Leo P.O.V
Emptiness surrounded him. A weight pressed down from above, immobilising his form. He wanted his family, he wanted to be home, yet the pressure from above reminded him why he shouldn't dream to leave the dark.
His betrayal to his family.
His own sins.
The way he had failed to protect them.
The fact they knew the truth.
And it hurt.
Everything hurt so much.
Why should he long to return to the world that had caused him so much pain? His body had to be broken beyond repair, and if that was the case – what place was there for him? What leader – if he even deserved such a title – would he be without his physical prowess? For so long his only purpose had been to be the best ninja he could be, to prove himself to his father, yet now that life was so far away. He had been beaten into submission and the mere thought of being free to live his own life again was daunting.
The void just continued to loom around him, silently judging his failures.
Suddenly, a sensation passed through his heart, a touch – oh gods. It couldn't be him, could it? Every touch reminded him of Adamu, of what he did… He felt his form begin to shake. He was so afraid… He knew that bastard was dead, so why was he so afraid? Was it a vengenful spirit from beyond the grave? Was such a thing possible?
"Oh gods, please don't… Don't hurt me…" He begged to the empty void, "I'm… I'm…Afraid… Don't hurt me… I can't leave… Please… Leave me alone… So scared… Too much… It's just… Too much…"
Wrapping his arms around himself, he longed for the sensation to leave his mind, yet just like before another sensation reached him.
Wait…
He looked up; eyes wide.
It felt as though someone was… embracing him? There was no malice, only compassion…
"I'm here. We're all here. You don't have to be afraid; you don't have to hide…" A disembodied voice echoed from his side. Leo turned to the sound, unable to believe his ears, all thoughts of Adamu leaving him.
"Raphie?" He breathed.
He heard a sharp intake of breath – an acknowledgement that he wasn't alone, and the eldest found himself falling down in relief – finally free of the invisible force that had held him upright. Raising his trembling gaze upwards, he readied himself for a look of his brother – yet instead he was only granted a vision of the void stretching high above him, pulling away at an astronomical rate… Or perhaps he himself was falling? Looking down his feet were melting through the floor. In panic, he began to struggle, attempting to rid himself of the floor which seemed to be melting around his body, letting him fall deeper, however the more he kicked about, the faster it dragged him down.
Great, he found himself cursing, he was able to move at last, only to drown in what could only be a manifestation of his own uncertainty… Just another failure to add to the list… As the surface crept up around his neck, searing as it touched the raised brand upon his skin, his eyes turned to the heavens and took a deep breathing, fearing it could be his last.
Squeezing his eyes closed, he allowed himself to be pulled under, letting the darkness claim him once more.
+0068 Hours
Donatello P.O.V
It had just been another watch, sitting beside his brother, allowing the soft yet steady beating of Leonardo's heart to sooth his nerves. There had been no change, which although that wasn't ideal, it did mean that he wasn't in danger anymore. The main trouble was now waiting for Leo to reawaken naturally. His body had been under tremendous strain, so much so that it's only hope of survival was to shut itself down completely to try and recuperate.
But of course, now Don was left wondering how long he would remain comatose for.
Physically he had improved tremendously in these last couple of days. His breathing was strong enough to remove the breathing tube and reduce the life supporting machines to just an IV line and heart monitor. In theory his body was healed enough to pull itself out of a coma, yet Splinter had mentioned Leo's spirit was still putting on a strong defence, possibly the main reason why the eldest turtle hadn't yet awakened.
With a sad shake of his head, Donnie flipped over a page in his book.
It was a sci-fi novella Mikey had given him, far from his usual realms of heavy textbooks and theory papers, yet when he had attempted to read through an old favourite about the cosmic censorship hypothesis regarding the impossibility of singularities to be hidden behind an event horizon arising from realistic initial conditions, the memories of that cell returned in force. He had found the paper shaking in his hands as he recalled the way Adamu had forced him to use his intellect for malice and twisted everything he enjoyed so the diagrams and equations became punishments.
Of course, Mikey had walked in just as he found he couldn't breathe, and had helped talk him back to normalcy, releasing the pressure sitting within his chest. Without a word, his younger brother had disappeared before returning with a thin book.
"Fiction." He had offered by the way of explanation.
Thankfully the plot held enough technical elements to still make it interesting, without bringing back memories of… well, he didn't want to think about that again.
A beep pulled his attention away from the thin pages.
Donnie cocked an eye ridge.
It originated from the brain monitor he had left on merely out of interest. There had been a spike of activity. The book fell from Donatello's hands as he jumped up from his chair, reaching out to grasp his brother's hand.
"I'm here, Leo. You can do it. Come back to us. We'll protect you – I'll protect you…" He murmured. "I swear."
Beneath his fingers he felt for a pulse and took note of how it had increased slightly as the brain activity jumped up again. This time there was a twitch to Leo's face, nothing significant, yet a definite conscious movement of some of the muscles.
Don held his breath.
He dared not believe what he was seeing. Everything before him were clear signs of awakening, yet this was even sooner than he had dared to hope. A week would have been substantial enough to deal with the spiritual side their father had talked of, but they hadn't even been out of Adamu's reach for that amount of time.
While part of him mused over what could have caused such an early awakening, another was busy taking a mental list of what physical therapy he would have to administer to tackle the multitude of injuries his brother would have to deal with. Of course there was the substantial issue of his limbs, yet before they even worked on that, Don was certain that he would need to help strengthen the torso due to the still healing plastron as well as the issue with the shoulders to allow further movement. He swallowed. There was so much to heal, so much to fix, yet at the end of the day it would be Leo's own desire to move forward that would allow anything to move forth, and considering how reluctant Donnie himself had been to do just that, it would be highly improbable for their leader to accept such assistance…
Suddenly a low moan came from the elder turtle, his eyelids flickering now as if building up enough will to open.
"Come on Leo… You can do it…"
A hint of white appeared under one scaled eyelid before vanishing once more, the other followed, and then the white expanded to reveal a hint of blue and then quickly snapped shut. Another groan and the hand resting in Don's own tensed slightly. The breath in Donnie's throat caught, Leo could move his fingers… There was a chance to reverse the damage…
And then there they were… Two cobalt blue orbs flickering around the room, panicked and confused.
"Leo, Leo, it's me, it's Donnie…" The genius soothed, "You're safe. It's over. You're home."
The eldest's brow furrowed, as if not quite understanding.
"…Alive…" His raspy voice cracking, disguising the majority of what Don assumed to be a question.
"Just take it easy, bro. You were hurt bad. Everyone's alright, you saved us."
At these words, Leo winced and turned away.
"… Not right…" He whispered; face laced with pain. "…Didn't… didn't think… Just did…" His gaze moved back to Donnie's, "Sorry… Don't… Don't deserve…"
Whatever he didn't believe he deserved; Donnie didn't stop to listen. His brother's eyes were unfocused, not quite there, unsurprisingly considering the fact he'd just been in a coma. Subtly, Donnie grabbed a sedative vial from the table near the bed – quickly checking for air bubbles and proceeded to carefully insert the needle into Leo's arm and injecting the contents into his bloodstream.
"…So sorry… sorry… forgive… me…" The eldest was muttering deliriously, his voice already weakening as the drug entered his system.
"There's nothing to forgive, Leo." Donnie met his brother's glazed eyes as he gripped his hand as tightly as he dared, "We've got you. Just trust us again… Let us help you…" Those cobalt orbs seemed to pierce his soul, momentarily clear.
"I dishonoured us… Can't… be… for…giv…en…" He breathed as he was pulled under, his desperate gasps fading to a steady breathing as sleep took him.
Hands shaking, Donnie leant back. He hated to use the sedatives, yet his brother had seemed so distressed he saw no choice. What he needed was some actual rest now, for his body to readjust.
Standing, Donnie moved to the lab doors and shouted for his family.
Next time Leo awoke, they would all be there.
And they could all be there for him.
He only hoped Leo would let them.
+0078 Hours
Mikey P.O.V
The excitement he had first felt at Leo first waking up had soon vanished. At first he hadn't believed that Donnie had sedated his own brother as soon as he had awakened, yet after he had happened to be in the room when Leo had woken up a second time, the youngest had seen for himself. He had seen the dull glaze in Leo's eyes suddenly transform into intense fear at the slightest sound or touch, had seen the way he stared into empty air – not quite seeing them and failing to respond to their voices. Despite the fact he was with them physically, it still seemed like he was lost.
And Mikey hated to see him like that.
His brother was supposed to battle the odds and come out looking triumphant, or perhaps at the very least happy to see them – yet he only looked beaten.
Leo of his memory had completely crumbled. In his place was a hollow shell, only speaking to tell Don he was in pain or when his flashbacks returned causing him to thrash and pull away from them as they tried to stop him hurting himself. No brother should have to do that to one of their own blood, yet the role of brother had been morphed more into the role of caregiver. Gone were the softly spoken words, the heartfelt conversations or the knowing glances.
And that hurt the most.
Mikey just wanted his elder brother back.
Leo didn't deserve such an end to their nightmare. They were all slowly moving forward, finding ways to create a new approach to their lives after being so close to losing all freedom and hope, however Leo had yet to make that step. He didn't so much as live, rather occupy space.
Mikey recalled how closed off they had all been after their initial rescue all those months ago – and had revisited all the things they had discussed or done together to move on, but his efforts bore no fruit.
The closet he had got was when he broke down sobbing at Leo's bedside, begging through his tears for his mind to return to them, for his soul to rekindle its flames. As the tears flowed, he had felt a faint touch upon his head, and blinking, he had raised his head to find Leo resting a bandaged palm upon his skull. Mikey had been about to cheer at the breakthrough, but his brother still wasn't looking at him – instead his brow was furrowed as he stared at the empty wall across from his bed.
Soon the hand had withdrawn, but Mikey still looked upon the occurrence with hope. It was clear that the old Leo – the one who did everything for his brothers – was still trapped inside somewhere, only he would act unconsciously in such a way to a distressed brother.
When he had told his brothers, they had responded with similar tales. Leo had apparently touched Donnie's hand while he had been panicking about a kink in the IV line as if to calm him while Raph had explained of a presence in his dreams watching him – he said he knew it was Leo, and after what he had told them about his experience on the spiritual plane, Mikey believed it.
They were in agreement, yet not one of them could come up with a way to bring their brother's mind completely back to them.
So they continued as they had before. Setting up watch shifts and talking to their brother. Their father meditated to search for Leonardo's spirit yet could not reach him, while April used her abilities to try and reach his mind. Casey offered to scream into Leo's face to try and wake him up only to be quickly restrained by Donnie and Raph.
Mikey didn't admit he had tried something similar one night during his shift. It hadn't worked.
Gradually, as the days passed, he felt his hope receding. He wanted to believe, yet this entire experience had lowered his hopes for good to occur to them, and with each hour he spent by his brother, attempting and failing to reach his mind, a little more of his positivity felt as though it were being sapped.
He just wanted to be able to hold his brother without him trembling in his grip, wanted to reassure him like Leo had always done for him but most of all – he wanted to hear that voice free of pain.
But he felt as though the wounds ran too deep. Whatever love and family support had helped heal him and his brothers may not work for Leo.
He just wanted the chance to prove his own doubts wrong.
Was that too much to ask for?
Squeezing his brother's hand and receiving no response, he let out a sigh.
It probably was…
And it wasn't fair.
+0098 Hours
Leo P.O.V
Voices passed around him in a blur, drifting in and then back out of focus. He heard the whispers, the cries and the calls of the ones he had once known, he felt their presence, even if it were but a fleeting sensation - yet it just didn't feel real.
A name which he once knew was directed towards his resting body, spoken through the lips of the ones he once called family... Who once called him the same…
And when he opened his eyes momentarily to escape the darkness within, he often found himself being observed by concerned gazes – the pity and worry etched into the lines of those around only bringing the memories of the past out from where he was trying to bury them.
Sometimes he was forced to answer simple questions. Did anything hurt? How did he feel? Could he hear them?
Sometimes he would grunt a reply, occasionally speak up to whisper a few words when the pain became unbearable and would in turn be granted the peace of sleep.
But most of the time he would close his eyes and pretend not to hear.
No matter what his family said, he could never tear himself away from the memories of that fight, from the blood he had spilt. The feeling helplessness, the pain in his body which soon gave way to pain in his heart as his brothers were set upon...
Then the struggle to get free followed by a fight so intense he could barely recall a single moment of it. Only as the defeated man disappeared in a cloud of smoke – blade in hand – did the memory slow itself enough to be processed. He remembered raising his own katana, pushing off the floor with bleeding feet and stretching out a damaged arm.
He recalled the sound of bade cleaving through flesh and bone and the ring of metal hitting the stone floor as the knife was released.
He remembered removing his sword, watching the man drop to the ground, eyes still wide and mouth gasping as his head was severed from his shoulders. No final words, no glare of defiance. Death left no time for any of that.
There was just silence.
Thick and heavy.
And he didn't deserve to escape it.
This would be his punishment.
Everything he fought for just out of reach, blocked by the image he could not escape.
That final death stare of the one he murdered.
Adamu.
Now and forever.
A slave to the Master of the past.
Somehow, through the darkness and pain, it seemed fitting…
+0120 Hours
Raph P.O.V
The night before, Raph had been drifting about around the boarder between the world of dreams and the spiritual – much like he had been doing since his last encounter with Leo on the spiritual plane – when he heard a cry. It had been faint, not much more than an echo, yet he felt drawn towards it.
An eerily familiar image met his gaze – before him, he saw Leo's spirit bolt upright, wide eyed and beaming. It was the same face Raph had seen when he had found Leo just before the Master found them both. He ran to his brother, just as he had before – opening his eyes to greet him, however as Leo approached him, the elder turtle's arm raised as if reaching for something further away. Raph turned and – moving away from the both of them – was another Leo.
Raph frowned. Two spirit Leos? He'd not heard of anything like that before.
"Wait!" The Leo moving past him cried out, reaching for the other version of himself, yet the retreating form was swallowed by darkness.
Turning back to the remaining Leo, Raph could only watch as darkness crept up the eldest's limbs, tainting his glowing form till it barely stood out form the gloom. Leaning forward, he caught a few whispered words.
"… Find myself… Need to change… Can't face them… Not like this…"
Finally, Raph understood.
Reaching down he touched his brother's arm, but instead of landing upon it, he melted through.
"Don't worry bro…" He spoke even if Leo wouldn't hear him, "I get it now. You and him… You're the same person. You just need to realise." Standing, he moved away from his brother, and thought back to his physical form, attempting to leave the spiritual plane.
Opening his eyes, he was back on his bed, in his room.
Leo wanted his old self back – hating how these recent months had changed his own perspective of himself – yet Raph knew that wasn't the solution.
Leo wouldn't be able to catch up with his alter spiritual identity without realising it himself – that he was still the same person, maybe changed by this nightmare, but still the same.
Sitting up, Raph rolled his shoulders, stretching out the stiffness of his muscles.
He needed to speak to his brother.
He wanted to help…
+1021 Hours
Sitting beside his brother's bedside, Raph cleared his throat. After quickly checking around him, to ensure Donnie had actually listened to Raph and gone for a break, he began to speak, the memory of what he just witnessed burnt into his mind's eye.
"I saw you on the spiritual plane, Leo. I saw what you think of yourself." He swore he saw his brother's eye flicker, but he pressed on, "I know you think whatever… he… did to you changed you, but you're not." He sighed, "I'm not speaking clearly… I… I just want you to know, Leo, that I don't see you any differently after what you told us." Raph's soft voice sent a jolt through the elder turtle's system, and – for the first time, the eldest turtle's eyes pulled away from the wall and turned slowly towards Raph. His lips moved a little before he coughed and tried again, voice scratchy from lack of use.
"How? How can you not?" The question was so pleading that Raph felt as though his next words should he carefully chosen. The slightest mistake could tip his brother over the edge. Trying to contain his shock that his words had somehow managed to reach Leo at last.
"Because..." He place a hand on Leo's shoulder ignoring the unintentional shiver which passed through the older turtle's skeletal form, instead meeting his dark cobalt eyes with such intensity that he could not dare to look away, "Because Leonardo, you are still our leader and my big brother."
Unfortunately, this did not seem to be enough. Leo tore his gaze from Raph's and turned his face away. For a moment Raph was afraid he had lost his brother again already, however after a long heavy pause, Leo spoke again.
"What brother would allow his blood to suffer?"
"The kind who had no other option other than to let us die." The answer came to Raph instantly, but merely brought a humourless laugh from the other turtle. Raph could only stare at his elder brother.
"Face it Raph. Adamu won." The name was spoken with a venomous tang, "There is no honour left in this warrior. No right to remain part of any clan." The words clearly echoed Adamu's own in relation to his disgraced brother who had been used to a similar fate, but frankly Raph couldn't give a shit. He shook his head.
"You claim to have no honour - to have been destroyed by this man, but you want to know what I see? I see a leader doing everything..." Raph felt his voice break a little as the memories of his brother's broken body flashed before his eyes, "to save his family... I see a brother who underwent things I wouldn't wish on anyone to spare us pain, and" tears were welling up in his eyes now as he finally allowed this pent up emotions to show, "and I see my big brother who never stopped wanting to protect us, even when that monster tried to manipulate your thinking." Leo's mouth was opened slightly, his gaze disbelieving. Raph dropped his head and hastily wiping his eyes. "I just wanted my brother to know I still love him. I don't care about your fucking honour or any of that crap." A note of the old fire he used to process crept into his voice through the tears. "I just want..." HIs words finally faltered, and he turned his head away, ashamed at not even being able to finish his confession.
"For things to go back as they were..." Leo's hoarse voice finished uncertainly and Raph's head snapped up, the smallest of smiles upon his lips.
"For our brothers to understand." He added, barely believing this was happening.
"And the fear to vanish..." The eldest finished in a whisper. Raph nodded, and hope jumped in his heart. A faint light had reappeared in those cobalt orbs, some distant energy from the past rekindled anew. Without another word, Raph lent forth and gently embraced his brother, slowly at first so not to make Leo jump, then with more desperation once he was certain his brother wouldn't react badly.
"Fear's a part of us now." He found himself muttering. "No matter what we do we're always going to be afraid. But we find a way to cope. Together." In his embrace he felt Leo's narrow shoulders begin to shake softly as suppressed sobs began to wrack his frame. Raph just remained still, holding his brother close, not saying a word. From his arms the eldest's voice came out in gasps.
"I still hear him, Raph... Every day... He tells me... He tells me..."
"Shh" Raph soothed, rubbing circles in Leo's cracked shell, "He can't hurt you anymore."
"He says I've brought dishonour to our family." He finished once he caught his breath. Raph shook his head against his brother's neck.
"That's a lie. Dishonour is when you don't think fight for what's right. When you hurt others for no reason or when you try and blame the innocent for the doings of the guilty." Raph cast his mind over all that Adamu had done to them, of what his memory was still doing. "Adamu had no honour. All blame lies with him." HIs voice softened. "I'm not saying it's going to be easy, bro, but you gotta get past this. You were a victim - we all were - what he dd to us isn't our fault. We're free." At last the damn broke and Leo began to sob into Raph's plastron, the emotions he must have been keeping pent up over the seemingly endless months finally breaking loose and consuming him.
As he cried, Raph whispered words of comfort while continuing to hold onto his leader, hoping he could show how much it meant to him that Leo was still with him. At last the sobs receded and the eldest bashfully pulled away and wiped his eyes before giving Raph a grateful smile.
"When did you get so wise?" He teased gently. For a moment the former hothead thought about it then answered honestly,
"The moment I realised there were things worse than death." Leo raised an eye ridge.
"What?" His gaze uncertain yet curious.
"Losing a brother." Raph concluded and the spirits which constantly raged on with unfaltering strength seemed to return and both suddenly saw each other in a new light.
Gone were the figures battered and broken by their imprisonment, but rather here sat two brothers determined to heal and support one another on the long road ahead. They were ready to face the past – no matter how painful – together.
Leo dipped his head slightly, breaking the moment, the new light in his eyes warming Raph's heart.
"Thank you Raph... Thank you for not giving up on me..." Raph smiled and the two touched foreheads once more. "I'm sorry –"
"Come on." Raph cut his brother off. "No apologies." He stood and held out a hand to pull Leo up, "Let's go speak to the others. I'll carry you."
Leo gave a smile - only small and still uncertain, yet a genuine gesture - before taking Raph's hand and being gently pulled onto his brother's shell. Raph made sure his brother wouldn't slip before together the two moved out of the darkness and towards the light of the kitchen where the sounds of morning routine were just beginning to build.
It was time to start rebuilding.
It was time to be a family once more.
Awwww there you have it folks.
First off, due to the whole COVID-19 thing I'm off work for at least 3 weeks, possibly more. My closest family still have to work which is worrying as there's a lot of customer interaction even though they're not in the healthcare sector, and some relatives are in quite vulnerable situations with major heart and respiratory problems, so the concern is very real for us. I know we're all scared and uncertain, but as long as we follow advise, stay safe and be sensible we should get through this... Leo's somehow recovering and moving forward so we can hope to do the same... I send my thoughts out to you and your families and hope you're all safe. Let me know how you're all doing and if anyone just wants to talk, I'll be here.
And in terms of this story, what do you guys think? What you were expecting or not?
There's going to be one more chapter - probably within the next couple of days, but I was thinking of a follow up series of oneshots to cover scenes I had to cut or sections I couldn't fit into the plot, such as character interactions or character studies at a certain moment in time - I'll be opening requests for that if enough people are interested or wanting different ideas explored, so let me know.
My thoughts go out to you all in these strange and scary times
LL99 out.
