"So, Rey, it's been almost two months since you first came to see me. Looking back to that first meeting, how much would you say your life has changed so far?"

Rey smirked touching her front teeth with the tip of her tongue. She had prepared herself for that moment the entire week, knowing that her therapist would ask her about everything. Ever since she had selfishly decided to bury her past, her life had been so much better and she had no regrets so far. Maybe it was not the healthiest coping mechanism to lie to herself and ignore her feelings and past, but she needed that peace and tranquillity to survive, especially with her memory still scattered like some puzzle pieces. And it sure had been like that. The adorable dates with Ben, the passionate nights… and mornings and afternoons and evenings, her career… Everything was so much better.

"Great," she smiled proudly at her therapist. "I am happy."

Her therapist nodded and proceeded to unfold a piece of paper. Rey recognized it immediately as a page of her diary. The one on which she had noted down all the things bothering her.

"So let's see… your insecurities regarding your career. You wrote here that you were disappointed that you lost your career as a baker, but also afraid to go back to the fame you had before."

Rey looked at the lilac curls of her therapist and her mind flew away for a moment, in a land of unicorn themed cupcakes and cotton candy. She coughed to hide her giggling.

"Well… the cafe is doing great. It's not exactly what I wanted, but it is no longer mine, so I usually have to decide things together with Rose. My brother has tried to get it back for me, but I am not sure I could manage it on my own. So I can say that I am cool with it. I love baking and cooking there and it makes me feel… good. However , the true challenges are the orders I get from the bigger clients. That email I sent was the best reckless things I could have ever done in my life. Of course, Kaydel's party came with enough orders from spoiled rich brats, but Dahlia's… I was so terrified when I saw all those emails and orders. People were asking me for dishes and desserts I had never even heard of but apparently cooked before. I would have shot myself in the foot had it not been for Ben. Cooking together with him has been such an intimate and satisfying experience. So even though I can't say that in only two months my career has returned to what I had before my disappearance, it is more than enough. I am on the right path."

The therapist scribbled something in her notebook then once again looked at the list.

"You mentioned your brother. When you first came here, you were still upset and not sure if you could ever forgive him. Have things changed?"

Rey raised an eyebrow pondering the question, then snorted.

"Oh, Finn..."

She licked her lips and stared at the painting on the wall. The poppies were painted in an annoying shade of red and the painting itself was a bit crooked.

"We sorted things out, I guess. I invited him to celebrate Easter together and he didn't say no but didn't accept either, although he said he wanted to film one of his cooking videos with me as a guest star. He has been trying to erase all the resentment and bribe me into forgiving him by attempting to get me back my business and promote me on his website and channel, but… ugh…" she shrugged tensed. "I miss my brother. I am not comfortable with this celebrity chef persona of his. Lying under a tree and telling stories while drinking lemonade and eating juicy apples and laughing like when we were kids is a better way of rekindling our relationship. But there's still hope. The winter has been long and we've barely had a day of spring, but once the weather gets warmer and until the apple harvest, there is still time for him to come and face me. I don't know if it makes any sense what I'm saying right now… Perhaps I am still relying too much on nostalgia."

"But the problem isn't the fact that Finn supported the theory that you had left with another man, isn't it?" the woman asked on a neutral tone, without looking at her.

Rey nervously shifted from side to side.

"Isn't it, Rey?" she insisted and Rey rolled her eyes shaking her head in defeat.

"No, because as long as it is a strong chance that I actually did that, I can't really hate him for perpetuating that rumour, even though, in my opinion, kept the police from looking for me more responsibly. I do resent him for the pain Ben felt, but, again, I can't really hate him in case he was right."

"And this brings us to another of your worries. Your memory. These past two months, you've decided to bury your past to get rid of your guilt, but it mustn't have been too easy."

Rey nodded staring once again at the crooked painting.

"Sometimes I feel as if all of my important memories have returned. As if I am back entirely. However… nothing about those three years or whatever had happened before I went missing. And the rest is still quite a confusing mess."

She shrugged calmly.

"Perhaps it's the medication or my refusal to acknowledge anything from back then."

"So have you never again thought about this other point on your list? Your baby?"

Rey pursed her lips and shifted her gaze on her therapist's suede stilettos. Their colour was more saturated than the one of their owner's hair. Focusing on a tiny scratch on the heel of the left shoe, Rey spoke again.

"I said I wouldn't waste any more time mourning dead fetuses or past mistakes."

"Or missed adoption opportunities."

Rey closed her eyes and nodded visibly distressed.

"Or… missed adoption opportunities…"

She looked down at her index finger. The coral pink nail polish was slightly smudged and starting to peel off.

"I am not happy about not being able to adopt Anna, but at least I hope a good family is now taking care of her. It was selfish of me to hope that she would replace my dead tadpole or make me feel less guilty about whatever happened to that second baby I don't even remember."

She bit her lip remembering those dark eyes and the curls. She had gazed into similar eyes and had touched similar curls that exact morning, when her husband and she served their coffee in the living room, only ending up kissing and making love on the couch.

"I… the first time we made love, I was the one in charge and, of course, I forgot about a tiny detail called protection. Then the second time, it was something very… desperate and none of us thought about it. But ever since, every single time we make love, none of us mentions protection. I haven't asked Ben, but considering that he hasn't bought any condoms or asked me to take any pills, I guess we have a gentleman's agreement. Although we're not trying to have a baby, we don't try to not have one. So we're just waiting for it to happen."

"And?" her therapist lifted her gaze and looked at her without any trace of emotion on her face. "Has it happened?"

Rey sighed crossing her arms at her chest.

"Nothing so far. Each test came out negative. But it's only been two months," she smiled trying to appear brave. "I am trying not to get stressed and scare away any swimmers," she laughed.

"Good. So…" she looked once again at the list. "So it appears that your worries regarding your marriage are mostly gone."

Rey caught a quick breath as she smiled like a cat with a full belly. She could still hear his moans and the music their bodies made together. She could still hear his laugh from when they walked together, holding hands and acting like a couple of teenagers experiencing first love and being drunk on it.

"I love him. Thankfully, we've stopped arguing. No more 'one step forward and two steps back'. Now that he's working fewer hours and mostly from home, he has enough free time to help me and, as I previously said, it's quite intimate. He enjoys it and it's a way to spend more time together even when working. I hope that we'll get back to the point where we can once again support our family solely from baking. I know he hasn't quitted his job yet just to make sure that we're no longer risking losing our house or that in case… I disappear again…"

She whimpered but immediately bit her tongue.

Let the past die.

"You're still unsure of his honesty and trust in you."

It wasn't a question.

Rey scratched the back of her head, cringing at the touch of that damned scar.

"I can't blame him. I don't trust myself. But the fact that we are both so desperate to make this marriage work and let old things die… Ben and I understand each other. As I said, sometimes we don't need to say things out loud to make choices together. If we both are fine with turning a blind eye for the sake of our happiness, then I won't complain."

The older woman crossed her legs and shook her head with a disapproving smile.

"But that's not progress and you know it."

Rey sighed again and bit her nail.

"Well… I've told you how things were like when I came back. With my memory coming back slowly, but still coming back, I believe that we can…"

"Can what?" the woman insisted once Rey stopped, unsure what to say.

"We can get over my mistakes once the truth comes out."

The therapist lifted her chin, proud of her patient.

"And this is your actual biggest fear. You could own your mistakes and cope with any issues between you and your husband, but you know that you risk losing him anyway. You are afraid of being all alone again and feel the same desperation you felt when your auntie died and when your parents died. And your need for a child doesn't come from guilt or a ticking clock awakening your maternal instincts… Rey. You hope to keep Ben by your side when the truth comes out and even if it doesn't work, your child would be your family, one that would not leave you for many years. You are completely entitled to feel selfish, Rey. It is normal to put yourself first regardless of what any religious dogma preaches. It's an instinct backed up by the basic need of being nurtured and surrounded by people you grow attached to."

Rey sniffed and wiped another black tear, knowing perfectly that her make up was probably already a smudgy mess. Good thing that she had her presentation right before going to therapy.

"It doesn't make me feel better about myself," she murmured taking a paper napkin from the wooden box.

"That's because, despite your memory returning in small chunks, you still can't identify with your past self. You blame the Rey you can't remember for everything that currently keeps you from truly enjoying yourself. She did all those things - the cheating, the mysterious pregnancy, the removed tattoo, the losing the personalised heirloom rings, the missing years, everyone's pain and trouble, especially Ben's… She did all of those things and you hate her for it, but she's you and, in the end, you hate yourself."

She put down her notebook and pen and showed her the diary page with one last point circled in red.

"The you before the disappearance and you now. What's the progress?"

Rey looked down at her own sangria red stilettos and cotton plaid dress. Her hair was shorter, not exactly the short bob she got in the weeks before her disappearance, but shoulder-length and more classy and less childish. She was more confident in her sexuality and body and had slowly learned how to embrace other styles. She laughed more, she enjoyed life more and could see the same self-assurance she had as a carefree teenager, but through more mature eyes. However, she was not the playful young and innocent Rey, nor the wicked confident and arrogant Rey in her early 20s. She was the perfect mixture of the both and with a touch of something else - experience.

"The irony of the situation? I quite like myself a little bit better. I realised that I wasn't really a wicked witch or at least… not up to a certain point. Maybe that's why I've been so keen on burying any unpleasant memories. So… you're right about everything. I dread losing Ben and my need for a child has always been about being less lonely. I guess I am stuck in a circle, but I don't really mind it. Am I selfish? Most likely. Do I mind it? No."

Rey buttoned down her coat and watched her steps. Maybe the snow was almost entirely molten, but while it saved her from slipping and falling, she and everyone else still risked drowning in a pool of cold water at each step. And she didn't want to ruin her gorgeous shoes after all. Not when she began growing fond of her closet. Surprisingly, no matter how much she had tried to erase parts of herself, the moment she spent an entire afternoon inside her walk-in closet, she realised that all those clothes were still quite representative for her style. If she wanted to be more than just a girl baking cookies at home and delivering them for a few coins, then she needed to be more presentable. And it was working.

She checked the business cards inside her purse. She had only a few left of her own, but plenty of others she got from potential new clients… and among them, a toy elephant. She squeezed the plushie, remembering once again little Anna and her sweet kisses. Maybe she could check the kids centre and see if she had indeed been taken by a foster family or maybe even adopted, or if she was still there. Maybe they could let her visit her and… give her that plushie in exchange for her baby's elephant.

She shook her head.

Who on earth gifts a toy to a child and then demands it back?

She had promised herself to move on.

Licking her lips, she unzipped a pocket to grab her keys, but only found a couple of pads. The last time she used that bag was weeks ago, but… She narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips. Perhaps two weeks late? Her heart skipped a beat and she turned to look around. As if hypnotized, she ran inside the closest pharmacy.

Maybe this is it , she smiled joyfully moments later and lift her head still holding the pregnancy test like a fragile meringue cake. But her eyes were no longer looking at the box. After all, across the street, in a cafe, Kaydel and Ben were eating and laughing.

She exhaled relaxed. After those months in which the two of them became quite close, though she wouldn't call their relationship a friendship yet, she could no longer be jealous of her. Therefore, seeing them together was not the problem. The problem was the fact that Ben was now looking at her. She waved at him rather shyly, not wanting to disturb their lunch, but he did not flinch, his gaze instead lowering on the box she was holding.

"Hey, my little honey bee!" she hugged her meowing kitten after throwing her keys in the glass bowl on the table. Bee had visibly grown in those past two months, but she was still skinny and mischievous. And her legs and tail were still incredibly long and funny looking.

"Have you eaten anything good today?" she kissed her head. "Where's your daddy?"

The kitten meowed and jumped on the floor, running into the kitchen with Rey behind her.

"I swear she is smarter than any dog I've met and I am not saying this just because she's my cat," she laughed kissing Ben on the cheek. She licked her lips and bit her bottom one admiring his arms in that black tank top, then she looked at the steak and mushroom pie and the bottle of pinot noir.

"You did this?"

"Anything for my biggest love."

"Aww, you're the best," she squealed as he kissed her fingers. "How did you even get here before me? Did Kaydel drive you on a secret route I should know about?"

"What do you mean?" he snorted looking for a bottle opener inside the drawer.

"Come on," she rolled her eyes. "I saw you with Kaydel today and you looked straight at me. Your eyesight can't be that bad."

Ben shrugged with a confused smile and grabbed the bottle.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I've left the house only to get a bottle of wine and take Bee to the vet for her last shot."

"But I…" she narrowed her eyes. Maybe she was the one whose eyesight was worsening. "So then you don't know."

"Know what?"

Rey inhaled nervously. The test was still in her purse and she was not ready to take it, knowing perfectly that another negative result would cause a meltdown, especially following her latest therapy session. Though, maybe she shouldn't drink… just in case.

"Can we not drink alcohol tonight?" she put her hand on his and she could tell that he was already being suspicious of her. "I've had a really tough day and I don't want to end up drinking the entire bottle and have you reject me for being drunk."

Ben laughed at her playful smirk. He seemed more convinced now, so she just took off her coat and sat at the table.

"I think I should go upstairs and change my clothes," mumbled Ben looking at his tank top covered in flour. Compared to Rey's fancy dress, he looked disgusting and more like a construction worker than a guy who cooked for his wife.

"Or you could just take it off and let my eyes feed on something even more delicious."

Ben shook his head and Rey could swear that those rosy cheeks had nothing to do with the temperature inside the kitchen or the cooking. She couldn't wait to pepper him with hot small kisses… after her rumbling stomach would be filled with food.

"I'm starving. I've been too nervous to even try some of my own samples, let alone try others'."

"How was the presentation?" he asked serving her a generous slice of pie.

"Great!" she smiled proudly. "I think we might have a really busy year."

"I hope so," he added sitting at the table and Rey smirked at the lewd undertones.

"Well… at least this month will be a successful nightmare. I have already over a hundred pie orders for Easter, not to mention all the other orders. Rose was hoping to keep the cafe open before Easter, but I am not sure I can bake everything on my own and then also make products for the cafe."

She stopped and closed her eyes letting out a satisfied moan.

"Heavens! This is delicious! Maybe you should come help me."

"Maybe I will," he responded calmly and Rey could tell that he was sincere. "I've been doing enough extra hours and I can ask for a few days off before Easter. It will be fun working for Reylo together just like years ago."

Rey put her fork down and furrowed. She had assumed that the headache torturing that entire day had to do with the cold weather and her crying, but now something inside her head seemed to be throbbing.

"Umm… sorry… what's Reylo?"

Her vision was slightly blurry, but she rested her head in her hand to give the impression that she was just tired.

"The cafe's old name. It's a play upon words - your first name and the last syllable of your last name. Though we sometimes joked that it was a mixture between our names."

Rey blinked trying to see the fork to continue eating, but despite her hunger and the deliciousness of Ben's dish, she was now feeling slightly nauseous. Her pretty much empty stomach was the only thing keeping her from throwing up on the table.

"As in the fact that it's your last name? Or do you have another name I can't remember?" she yawned continuing with her act.

"Mmmno. It's about Kylo Ren."

The headache was growing stronger.

"Who's Kylo Ren?"

"It's a stupid character I invented for a boy's party back when we were working together. You liked it so much that we ended up… umm… including it in our… you know…"

Did she? Oh, she did! Because she could now see Ben dressed in black, an imposing figure standing over her, with gloved hands tearing her clothes apart and pushing her on the bed. Gloved fingers around her neck… him biting the tip of his finger and taking out the glove… the fingers sliding…

Please stop… Ben… Please… It hurts…

Her eyes grew wider and she gasped seeking air. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't see or feel her body. She couldn't…

"It's ok, sweetheart," she heard Ben's soothing voice and the darkness was slowly vanishing. She whimpered lifting her hand to the back of the head. It wasn't the scar bothering her after all. After she had read her own file, she supposed that the surgery must have been behind her memory loss, but no. It was indeed something emotional. She wanted to forget and to regress to the good old days of innocence.

"Do you want me to call an ambulance?"

"No," she uttered getting up on her own. "Did you give me anything from my medicine bag?"

"No. You have different pills now and I don't know what they're for. And you're out of emergency shots."

"Yeah," she stretched her arms. "The doctor said that I wouldn't need them anymore, so they were no longer on my prescription. I think I am just exhausted or it's the…"

She stopped before spilling the beans and looked at Ben's calm face. His hair had its tips dripping water drops and he was wearing a clean T-shirt and a pair of plaid pyjama pants. She was also wearing different clothes.

"Did you undress me?" she furrowed.

"Who else?" he snorted. "Besides… your food ended up all over your dress when you fainted."

"Too bad," she mumbled letting herself fall back on the pillow. "I think I'm going to be hungry in a few minutes."

"I can make you a sandwich."

A sandwich? With ham, rucola, feta cheese and tomatoes? It sounded… Oh, God! She gagged and covered her face with her arm. Maybe just a cup of tea was enough.

"I hope I'll get better soon," she said on a bitter tone, remembering what she had read about pregnancies and nausea in those past months. "I have pies to bake and a lunch to host."

"What lunch?" asked Ben sitting next to her. He put his arm under her head and with the other hand, he gently massaged her belly.

"Oh, I invited Finn over for Easter, but I don't know if he actually wants to come. Rose already said yes and maybe we can ask Kaydel too unless she has plans with her boyfriend. And perhaps Luke too? After all, he's all alone and we're his only family."

Ben sighed letting out a disapproving groan and kissed her on the temple.

"Yeah… I doubt he'll want to. It's against his hermit ways."

"But don't you want him by your side? Shouldn't he want to spend more time with you?"

Ben ignored his wife's consternation, knowing that she had always been too passionate about the idea of how and what a family should be. He had barely seen Luke his entire childhood and they only got closer just because he was fascinated with the case and had promised his mother to take care of him. But he already knew that Christmas with Luke had resumed to the old man getting a little bit tipsy and spreading papers all over the table, drawing maps on the wall and screaming like a mad man. He felt a form of admiration for him and a lot of gratitude for his dedication to Rey's disappearance, but having him at the Easter lunch wasn't exactly a good idea.

"Seriously, maybe you should talk to him. After all, he is your dad."

Ben snorted and buried his face in the space between Rey's neck and shoulder, inhaling her body's aroma and the soft scent of the perfume he had gifted her.

" Uncle ."

" Father ."

Ben got up on one elbow and looked at her completely confused.

"Baby, what are you talking about? He is my only living relative, but he isn't exactly a father figure. He isn't my dad."

Rey got up as well and leaned in, her nose almost touching his.

"I know that he's your dad and I know that I'm not your therapist, but don't you think we should talk about this? All of these abandonment issues you ha-"

"What?" he shook his head.

"Ben, I know! I know that you're adopted and that Luke is your dad."

He took a breath of air and exhaled struggling between taking her words as the joke of a person suffering from amnesia and taking her words as a dagger to the heart. However, he was trying to keep his composure.

"My parents are Leia Organa and Han Solo. Luke Skywalker is just my uncle. He can't be my father, Rey. You're probably confusing memories and events."

Rey looked at him with a gaze full of pity, the thing he despised the most.

"Wait… so you don't know?"

"Know what? That you've just fainted and that tomorrow I am going to personally take you to see your doctor?"

Rey took no offence, though his pandering tone was rather mean.

"Ben, don't you remember the time spent in Maz's house as a child?"

"I do," he nodded. "However, I would rather not and I don't see why you're bringing it up and… how…"

He looked at her. The only people knowing about his time there were his mom and Maz herself, now both dead. And considering his mother's state at the time Rey came to live with them, it was most likely that she knew it from Maz.

"Look… Maz was cool and everything, but not all of her stories were true, so d-"

"I don't know this from Maz. I know it from Rose and she knows it from your mother."

"My mother, the one suffering from Alzheimer's?" he rolled his eyes completely sick of that conversation. "Sweetheart, I am not adopted and Luke is not my dad."

"Well… didn't your parents marry long after your birth?"

He was ready to debunk her ridiculous theory once more, but he stopped with his lips parted and a lost gaze. She had been pressing buttons and now it seemed she had hit the right one. The memories of his mom introducing Han to him, the day they got married, all the whispering regarding the lack of similarities between his parents and him… Rey watched him in glee as his mind was connecting the dots he had never before acknowledged. At least one of them was no longer going to be an orphan and could enjoy the love of a living parent.

"I can't believe you're finding out like this. When Rose told me, I thought you already knew, but then when some of my memories returned, I realised that I knew even more and that we've never discussed this thing. You should have your father by your side even though you've never been close. Maybe he can tell you about your real mom too."

Real mom? He got out of the trance and looked at her with a deadly cold stare.

"So you've always known?"

Rey shrugged and lifted her hand to caress his head, but he pushed her away rather brutally.

"Yes…" she said on a cautious tone. "I found out shortly after I moved in, but I guessed you knew and considering that you never mentioned anything, I also guessed that you didn't want to talk about it."

"You guessed?"

She straightened up, feeling rather uncomfortable with his dark eyes appearing so lifeless and with that sardonic grin on his face. He got off the bed sniffing and looked outside the window.

"Are you feeling better?"

No 'Rey', no 'sweetheart, no 'baby', no 'pumpkin'.

"Yes," she gulped.

"Then please get out of my bedroom."

She took a moment to digest his request.

"What?"

"I said get out ."
"You're not serious, aren't you?" she snorted though not feeling so sure whether he was indeed just joking.

"Get out!" he turned around and lashed at her. "I swear to God, Rey, you better get out of this bedroom right now before I kick you out of my house."

She stood up quickly, but still doing nothing to fulfil his request, instead standing there and defying him.

"You're angry with the wrong person!" she defended herself with her fists clenched. "You're more mature than this! Don't blame me for problems created years before I was even born!"

But he was no longer listening. He ran to her and Rey closed her eyes lifting her hands, waiting for him to hit her. But she opened them moments later, she was on the hallway, listening to the door being locked. She was not sure where that instinct came from, as he had never been violent to her, just as she had no idea where that memory of him choking her and… pretty much abusing her came from. She was begging him to stop and he wasn't stopping. When did that happen? Who was that Ben?

She cupped her still flat belly unsure what to do or think of that situation as her mind was digging up another memory. Now Ben was masked and she was cupping her very pregnant belly. She was inside a cellar, the same she had seen in her other flashbacks, the ones in which she was chained up on the floor. This time she was not chained, but she was barely moving. She tried to reach him with one hand, but her fingers were scratched and wounded, even bleeding with one nail missing.

I am not yours, Kylo Ren! And this isn't your baby and you can't keep me here as your own doll for the rest of my life! I will get out of here and make sure that you'll pay for everything and never ever lay another hand on me, you monster!

Rey covered her mouth as a loud cry escaped her mouth. Still wearing her pyjamas, she ran downstairs, grabbed her coat, boots and car keys and then ran outside to her car. She needn't anyone to kick her out of there. She would leave on her own - for her own sake and for the wellbeing of her unborn baby.