Chapter 22: The Asylum

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek. This is for fun. Enjoy and stay ethical.

Data was in Captain Picard's ready room as he had some questions he needed to answer. Picard agreed with his choice to bring Fenix and Lore since they are his family. Data asked to be relieved of duty for a little while due to distractions. Data walked back to his quarters and looked at the emotion chip in his hand. Contemplating on what his father has also confirmed. The chip would instantly give him emotions. Fenix and his father both speculate he will learn to feel more elaborate emotions over time in his own way. He put the chip away and looked at the polaroid photo of Lore and Fenix; the same picture he took from their home before he ever met them.

Lore and Fenix were back in their old room; room 3650 near Data's quarters. "Fenix, give me the sacred sake. I don't want to feel whatever this feeling is. It's driving me mad and not in a good way." Lore demanded. "You know, you gave me that speech on how I shouldn't be depending on substances to mask my emotional turmoil, right? This is kind of a hypocrite thing to do now if you decide to drink, but I won't stop you. I can guarantee you'll feel worse than you already do now. But I'll guide you through it if you insist. Bottle's in my bag." She answered as she kept playing her acoustic guitar; a melancholy melody. Lore growled in frustration as she played devil's advocate. He calmed down and asked her, "How'd you do it? Get over these... feelings."

She stopped playing guitar to answer, "I cried a lot. I hated every minute of it. But I cried. I experienced every negative emotion under the sun. Anger, hate, guilt, anxiety, depression, denial, loneliness, sadness, despair, apathy... you name it. I also didn't have the luxury of time or companionship either. I was enrolled in Starfleet almost right after my time-move, and I had to adjust to a whole new world. I was alone, I didn't have anyone to talk to, besides, what was I supposed to say? 'I was thrown into the future, I lost my home, my parents and the world that I remember is gone.' Between school and studying, I cried. I played guitar. I drank. Over time... I cried less. I drank less. Then I made friends with Vaum and Strenn, it helped that they're Vulcan, they didn't show much emotion, you know? Spending time with them kept me from diving deep into depression."

Lore listened to her and realized how much more pain and suffering she went through than he was going through. He put the bottle back in her bag and sat down beside her. Fenix added, "It's hard to deal with emotions, but like anything else that kept getting thrown my way, I had to adjust. But I was lonely even with Vaum and Strenn around. I didn't have a deep connection to them. When I connected with you, it was the best thing that's ever happened. You helped me out more than you know."

Lore stoked her knee and leaned in to kiss her. She was eventually on her back as he continued kissing her. He started kissing her neck and Fenix sweetly asked, "Are you doing this because you just want to feel something other than what you've been feeling?" He stopped and laid his head down on her chest as he sighed in defeat. "Yes. I'm sorry." Fenix wrapped her arms around him and reassured him, "It's okay, I want you to feel good. I love you." He looked up at her face with love as he kissed, "I want to feel you. I want closeness. I want to drown in you." He whispered in her ear. He slipped her shirt off and proceeded to take her bra off. He took his own shirt off wanting to feel as close as possible to her as he kissed her senseless. His attentions averted to her perky breasts. He lovingly buried his head between her small perks and continued to play with her nipple with his mouth as he tweaked and gently tugged on the other with his skilled long fingers. Fenix moaned in pleasure until eventually, she unexpectedly peaked, her voice raising. Lore's eyes widened in surprise while he still had her nipple in his mouth. He realized she came and smiled as he kissed her breast. He lowered his kisses and undid her pants, then slid them off. She tried to cover herself feeling embarrassed but Lore pushed her hands away.

He pried her legs open and hungrily stared at her slick womanhood. "Lore! Don't look, it's too embarrassing! I-" She was cut off mid-sentence as he spoke seductively, "You're beautiful. I've wanted to see you like this for a long time." He took one long lick up her dripping wet folds. Fenix put her hands up to her face in shock, "Ah! Lore! What are you-!" "Shh... Fenix, you taste delicious. Let me enjoy you, in return, come for me. I want every last drop of you in my mouth." Before she could protest, he hungrily covered her womanhood with his mouth as he massaged her clitoris with his strong skilled tongue. Fenix couldn't hold in her voice from absolute pleasure as she kept her face covered out of sheer embarrassment. Lore slid his hands up from her thighs, to her torso, and pushed her arms away from her face. He saw her flushed face contorted with pleasure and confusion. He smiled as he continued to devour her. It didn't take long for her to release all her nectar into Lore's eager mouth as she screamed. He happily lapped every drop of it up with his tongue making her shiver. He undid his pants and pulled his rock-solid member out as he slowly climbed on top of the still-panting Fenix. Lore touched the side of her face to kiss her. She could taste herself on his lips and tongue. She felt embarrassed again for what he did for her. He made his way between her legs; his manhood teased her still slick folds as he readied her for him. She started to unexplainably panic, "LORE STOP!" She yelled. He backed down with confusion and worry in his eyes when he saw Fenix with unshed tears. "Lore, I'm so sorry, I'm really sorry... I... I don't know what's wrong with me. It's not you. What you were doing felt wonderful, I-I don't know why I'm so fucked up. I'm so sorry, Lore. I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." Fenix kept apologizing, Lore zipped his pants and held her in his arms as he tried to soothe her. "Lore, I'm so dizzy... I think I'm going to..." her whole body went limp as she became unconscious. "Fenix? Fenix?" Lore quickly dressed her and carried her bridal style heading towards sick-bay.

Five minutes later, she woke up to see Lore holding her hand and sat back up quickly feeling extreme guilt for her unexplainable panic earlier. "Woah, Fenix. Lay back down... It's alright. You fainted for about five minutes. Just relax." Beverly subdued. Fenix laid back down and sighed. "Lore, I remembered what happened when I was in the asylum. Beverly, if you're done with me, may I go see Deanna? This is more of a mental thing than a physical thing." Fenix softly spoke. "Lore was worried sick about you. But your pulse has returned to normal and everything checks out fine so I suppose I can let you go. I'll let Deanna know what happened and that you're on the way." Fenix nodded and slid off the table; Lore still held her hand, worry written all over his face. "Lore, thanks for taking me here. I'm sorry I worried you. Let's go see Deanna. I want you to be here with me when I talk to her. I know you're going through the loss of your father but I really need you with me." She pleaded. "Fenix, I'll always be here for you no matter what." She smiled and made their way to Deanna's quarters.

Fenix and Lore entered Deanna's quarters and sat down. "Fenix, I heard from Beverly what happened. Are you okay?" Deanna asked. "No. I had a dream... more of a flash-back when I passed out, when I was put in the insane asylum. My parents didn't know what to do with a problematic child that I was. I blocked that part of my life and I need to come clean. Can you help me, please? This is for me... and Lore needs to know." Fenix nervously spoke, her eyes looked down on her lap. "Start with how you felt when you were first put into the asylum. And stop if you feel like you're feeling overwhelmed." Deanna guided.

Fenix closed her eyes and started, "The asylum... I remember feeling so isolated, scared, and angry because I felt betrayed by my parents. I couldn't deal with all the emotions I felt and I lost my mind. The staff kept drugging me over and over. I wanted to kill everyone and myself... I remember I used to claw at my arms and legs, and watch them heal. I would do that over and over as a reminder that I'm here in the asylum, this is real, I'm not dreaming. My hands covered in blood... Skin lodged under my nails... the smell of my blood..." Fenix took a moment as she blankly looked into the distance and sighed. "There was this one psyche doc, he was in his thirties, his name was Dr. Gunderson. He would drug me, hypnotize me, you know? Play mind games to make me go insane more than I already was and... he would... he would touch me. Never raped me or anything so it wasn't as bad..." She nervously laughed. "He would tell me how fucked up I was, that I was a lost cause, that I could never be anything, the only thing I could ever be was to be his doll; a doll he could play with. He would call me 'baby-face' as he touched me. I was thirteen. I didn't have my strength yet at the time. I couldn't fight him off." She chuckled. "The more I tried to fight the worse my punishment." Her hands shook. Lore was doing his utmost best to hold in his rage knowing that his wife was getting abused when she was just a child and he couldn't do anything about it. "His advances increased over time; the few months I was there. I knew sooner rather than later that he would fuck me. Ha ha, I remember the moment I gained my strength." She bitterly smiled and chuckled, "One day, he came into my room and it started off the same as usual. Had me strapped down to the chair, injected me with a heavy sedative since nothing lasted more than ten minutes... He played his usual mind games on me and started to touch my face, smell my hair, I can hear him call me 'baby-face', then he'd touch my inner thighs. Like I said, the usual. Then he started to take my clothes off... not the usual. Even in my heavily medicated state of mind I knew something was off, I started to panic. He... oh my god..." She looked up; eyes closed and took a deep breath. "Sorry, he uh... unzipped his pants and pulled his dick out, I didn't see it but I felt it on my thigh. That's when I screamed, then my strength suddenly increased, my body felt hot as it changed or evolved... whatever you want to call it... I broke out of the straps and destroyed the chair as I fought him off. I lost myself. I don't remember what I did to him. I wasn't as strong as I am today since I was only thirteen, but I was still strong enough to do some serious damage. When I came to, I was still naked and covered in his filthy blood. He was ripped to shreds... looked like he got attacked by a bear or something." She laughed as a tear rolled down her cheek. "He had it coming. They took him to the emergency. Long story short, he lived, but he would never move, at least he can never violate anyone, ever again." Fenix smiled and continued, "The worst part was that I remember I felt joy from hurting him. And part of me hates myself for it. All the times he fucked with me; I was finally able to reciprocate. Poetic isn't it? He was right about one thing; I'm so fucked up I haven't been even been able to make love with my husband yet." Then she burst into uncontrollable tears as she hunched over her knees. Lore cautiously put his hand on her back and caressed her gently trying to soothe her.

She calmed down after a few moments and continued, "No wonder I'm always so torn when I'm being intimate with Lore. There're two sides to me, like Jekyll and Hyde. One is wanting pleasure like a promiscuous deviant whore; no emotions attached. The other one is a scared, cowering little girl. They fight every time we're intimate. I don't want either of them. I want to feel pleasure and love at the same time. Not just one or the other. It's been five years since the incident happened at the asylum. I want to move on and have a healthy mindset when I'm with my husband." and touched Lore's knee.

Deanna held back her emotions she felt from both of them, understanding what it's like to be violated from the time she was mind-raped, she took a deep breath and spoke, "That was very brave of you for opening up to me and Lore. It is very natural to feel those two-opposing sides as you experienced when being intimate. 'The pleasure seeker' is when one is detaching themselves of all emotion and seeks only pleasure. It happens because one wants to feel pleasure, it's a basic need for humans. But is disconnected from emotions due to previous trauma. 'The child' is the vulnerable part of you that's clinging on to your innocence as a way to protect oneself. Intimacy, sex, love making, whatever you want to call it should be done through both consenting adults. You were still just a child when you experienced unwanted sexual contact by an adult; a doctor; an authority figure no less who violated the fragile trust of safety. I ask you; do you feel comfortable with Lore?"

"Completely, in every way. I feel loved, and safe with him. He's very patient and always stops when I don't feel comfortable about doing something. And never makes me feel bad for not being able to do certain things. Honestly, he's got a patience of a saint." Fenix answered whole-heartedly and giggled.

"That's good, because you need a man with patience. What the two of you are doing, taking things slow is exactly what Fenix needs. Not veer away from intimacy. Avoiding intimacy altogether will only keep you stuck in that state of mind and you will not move on. Baby steps. And for you to be able to remember and confront your past is a huge step towards healing." Deanna guided.

"I'm glad to hear that. I really do want to make love to Lore. Will I ever get to that point, sooner rather than later? I'm married to him and I feel like an inadequate jackass, especially as a wife to not be able to have sex with him." Fenix questioned. Lore stepped in, "Fenix, I'll remind you, I'm not like most men. I don't have needs like biological creatures, I have the desire but it stems from wanting to love you on all levels. I don't ever want you to feel like you're disappointing me by not being able to make love to me. Forget about me in that sense. I love you; I will always wait for you. You're all I want. This is about you."

"Keep being intimate and stop if you feel uncomfortable. When you think you're ready to have sex, ask yourself, 'Do I feel love as well as pleasure?'. I'm sure you'll know when you're ready. But that question might help you give you a clearer answer." Deanna reassured.

"You know what, I figured out why this all came back to me now. For the first time, I have time to let things come back naturally. I've been too damn busy and preoccupied to deal with the past. I pushed it aside because it was one thing to the next, no breaks in between. It's been non-stop since I was thirteen. Since I met Lore, I've had time to think and start healing in a safe environment... thanks to Lore. If he had been someone else, I wouldn't have had that connection. It was Lore that helped me through it all up to this point. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here talking to you about my past. I would've been stuck." Fenix concluded. Lore faintly smiled from hearing her words of appreciations for him. Never in his life, anyone has ever expressed as much gratitude as she did just now. "Deanna, thanks for listening to me. I think I'm ready to head back now." Fenix thanked.

"You're welcome Fenix. Thank you for sharing that with me. Take good care of yourself and each other." Deanna bid good-bye.

Lore and Fenix walked back to the room; Lore was doing everything he can to not let his tears fall. Fenix touched his hand and pulled him in for an embrace. She knew Lore needed a hug just as much as she needed one. He held her in his arms and let his yellow tears fall. The initial anger and rage he felt the moment he heard Fenix was getting sexually abused combined with the love and appreciation she held for him was overwhelming. He also felt an undeniable sting of guilt that still lingered from the time he lost control of himself and almost did the same to her, even though she had forgiven him. "I love you Lore, thank you for coming with me to see Deanna. I wanted you to be there since you've been there for me since we met." Fenix softly spoke as she gently caressed his back. Lore started crying, unable to contain his emotions as he clung to her narrow shoulders for dear life. Fenix whispered in his ear, "I'm here for you. I'm alright. I'm right here. I love you. I want you to feel safe in my arms as you make me feel." He cried, staining her shoulder with yellow tears, turning her shirt from white to yellow.