Breaking Free:

Chapter 19:


Authors Note: Does anyone know the real age differences between Addison and Amelia? I couldn't figure it out, and online something said that Amelia and Derek were 7 years apart, so I figured Addison and Derek are around the same age, and the average age for a person to enter medical school is 24 years old, so I went with that, and subtracted the 7 years to get Amelia's age when Addison and Derek started dating.


Addison sits in the empty bedroom. Her knees pulled up to her chest. They had pulled out all the furniture and painted it a faint shade of bubble gum in preparation for bringing Jazzlynn home. They hadn't bought baby furniture, or clothing yet. There were no toys, or anything but this vomit worthy hue of pink to show that she even existed.

"We have to paint it over." She says to Amelia.

"Are you sure?"

"I can't live in this house knowing that this pink room was meant to be hers."

"Changing the paint color won't change that the room was hers."

"I can't stand this…." Addison stands up walking over to the wall, "Stupid." She pulls her fist back "Pink…" She punches the wall as hard as she can. "Wall! I can't stand-" She says punching the wall repeatedly until she feels Amelia pulling her back. She fights against her, trying to punch the wall a few more times, but there are several holes in the sheet-rock and her hand is bruised and swelling, finally she slumps down against Amelia, ugly crying for what feels like forever, before finally calming.

"Do you feel better now?" Amelia asks.

"No." Addison admits. "I dropped the charges, Mark is furious with me, and it is only a matter of time before…..." She trails off, wanting to say, 'before Derek finds me and kills me.' But felt that would be a little too dramatic. "I love him Amelia."

"I know you do." Amelia responds, sighing. She doesn't know how Addison could still love Derek after all this time, after all the abuse. She wasn't naive enough to think that Addison was talking about Mark.

"The paint and rollers are in the closet." Addison says gesturing to the closed door. "A pastel green, it's meant to be soothing."

"Oh… you want to paint now?" Amelia asks. "Let's get some ice on your hand first and see how you're feeling after the swelling has gone down a bit." She suggests, and Addison shrugs, un enthused. "We'll have to call someone to repair the wall first." Amelia adds. She runs downstairs, getting an ice pack and hands it to Addison for her hand.

"It's not that bad. It doesn't even hurt." Addison says, looking down at her hand, which was a brilliant shade of purple. She had the fleeting thought that her purple hand nicely matched the pink of the bedroom walls. "If you call someone to repair the walls, we can paint tomorrow." She says, her cell phone rings, but she can't bend her hand. Amelia answers and puts it on speaker phone.

"What in the hell were you thinking?" Derek screams from the other end of the phone.

"You're on speaker Amelia is here." Addison warns.

"Take me off speakerphone." He demands, but Amelia shakes her head 'no'.

"I can't, I may have broken my hand." I say, "Amelia is holding the phone while I ice it."

"What happened?" He asks, and sounds concerned.

"It doesn't matter, I'm fine…. What did you need?"

"You said you would drop the charges." He accuses.

"I did Derek, right after the visitation."

"Obviously you didn't. My lawyer visited today, and 'due to new evidence', my bail has been denied. I will be stuck here until trial."

"Derek, I'm sorry," Addison automatically apologizes. "I don't know what they're talking about, there is no 'new evidence.' Did she tell you what the supposed evidence was?"

"No. Just that they were keeping me."

"Is there anything I can do?" She asks, feeling horribly guilty, but secretly relieved that he would not be getting out of jail anytime soon. 'I only hit you because I love you.' The words he whispered to her as she left the visitation swims into focus. She had forgotten all about them. She was so used to him threatening her, and hurting her that this was just another normal interaction to her, but what if someone else heard?

"Get me out of here." He says, before the phone beeps, letting them know they only have five-minutes left. "I love you. You know, that right?"

"I know." Addison whispers.

"I'd do anything for you." He says, smoothly.

"You'd do anything for me, but you wouldn't stop hitting me…" Addison says, remembering that these conversations were recorded. They gave that disclaimer at the beginning of every single call.

"You deserved it; you know you did." He says, playing right into her hands, she knew he was angry, and that he wouldn't have paid attention to the warnings at the beginning of the call, nor the posters hanging that were to serve as reminders.

"You killed my daughter." Addison indicts.

"She would have died anyway with a mother like you." He says, so aggressively that it physically hurts.

"She died from complications associated with extreme prematurity. Her severe prematurity was directly caused by the chemicals you injected me with." Addison pushes. "You caused me to go into pre-term labor. You knew exactly what you were doing." She accuses, she is shaking so hard from a mixture of anger and fear that she is thankful she isn't the one holding the phone.

"I didn't mean for any of that to happen." He says unobtrusively.

"What did you want to happen?" Addison asks, but the phone beeps, letting me know that our time has passed. The phone beeps again, and then goes silent. Amelia is struck silent, just starring at the phone for a while.

"I'm so sorry." She finally says.

"For what?"

"I should have protected you, warned you about Derek."

"Amelia no… you were just a little girl when Derek and I got married. There is nothing that could have been done."

"I was seventeen when we met, that's not so little." Amelia says. It seems like a lifetime ago, like they were always meant to be family. She has vague memories of what a great big brother Derek was, but none of those memories extend past the time she was five years old. When their father was shot in his store, it changed Derek. She thinks back to her concussion and broken ribs she experienced when she was 13 years old. Derek was visiting from college and had taken her out to ice cream, and they had gone to the secluded park they used to frequent as children 'to catch up.'. They climbed to the top of the jungle gym, eating their cones, just talking, but without warning he pushed her hard, causing her to fall, hitting her head on the bars on the way down. He called 9-1-1 when he realized she was unresponsive. The ice cream laying on the ground in a melting puddle next to her. When she came to, he threatened to kill her if she told her mother the truth. When her mother got to the hospital Amelia told her she was climbing up one handed so she could eat her ice cream at the very top and slipped. Her mother scolded her for being so care-less, but then soothed and comforted her. Derek left to return to college the next day, and she didn't see him again until he brought Addison home to meet the family and they became fast friends. She looked up to and admired Addison more than she ever would Derek or any of her sisters. She never told anyone what happened, then or now.

"You couldn't have done anything to prevent this." Addison repeats, trying to relieve Amelia of some of the guilt she knows she must be feeling.

"Put the ice back on your hand." Amelia instructs, and Addison gives her an annoyed look, but follows her directions all the same. "You need to go to the ER and get an x-ray to check for breaks."

"I don't want to go to the ER. I want this to all be over. I want my job back." Addison protests wanting to punch herself next, hating how pathetic and whiney her voice sounds.

"You can't get your job back if you suffer nerve damage from destroying your, very expensive, wall."

"Fine." Addison finally agrees, trying to hide her annoyance. Amelia helps her up, and grabbing their purses, and a light jacket for Addison. It may be warming up outside, but it is always freezing in the hospital. She drives them down the busy highway and to the parking lot of Seattle Grace Hospital and neither make a sound until they are parked.

"What am I supposed to say?" Addison asks.

"Tell them you punched a wall." Amelia answers shrugging.

"Like they'd believe me? " Derek's abuse was no secret. Addison swallows hard. "I can't go in."

"What do you mean you can't go in? We just drove….."

"I'm not going." Addison says, shaking her head stubbornly.

"You'll never operate again."

"I don't care." Addison's breathing is labored, as she closes her eyes tight and puts her hands over her ears, she can't feel the pain from the break, clearly it is not as bad as Amelia is thinking.

"Clearly you do."

"JUST STOP!" Addison shouts, not to Amelia specifically but to images, the memories flashing before her eyes. Derek attacking her in the hospital room and drugging her. She massages her throat, for a minute she can still feel his fingers pressing, squeezing. The preterm delivery of Jazzlynn and the attack in the nursery after she was born. All of the surgeries over the years, and the bruises she's lied about are clear as day. Her teeth are chattering and she is shivering as tears fall down her cheeks.

"Addison…." Amelia starts, but Addison is unresponsive to the world around her. Lost in her own horrific memories. "I'm here… it's OK." She says soothingly.

"STOP" Addison screams, not seeing the car, or Amelia, but the entrance way to the hospital, and how tightly Derek would squeeze her arm as they walked into work for the day. How she knew to keep her breathing even and walk just so, so she wouldn't anger him. He always had to be ¼ steps ahead of her .

"Everything is going to be OK."

"STOP!" They are in the on-call room during one of their breaks. It wasn't the first time nor would it be the last time he raped her. For a while she had her break time scheduled opposite of his, but when Derek found out what was going on he had the powers to be change them back, claiming as much as he worked he needed to spend his break times with his wife.

"I promise…. I'm here …. You're safe."

"STOP!" Addison screams louder than ever. The memories are coming faster now, like a flurry of wind. Leaving with Mark and then drinking herself into an oblivion. Finding out she was further along than she expected and having a complete panic attack that resulted in her attempting to cut the fetus from her body. Knowing that either of those things could easily kill her. Derek attacking her in the hospital room and drugging her. Delivering Jazlynn while flashing back to the night she was raped, and this baby was conceived. The attack in the NICU and then again in the on-call room. This wasn't new behavior. It shouldn't affect her so badly, but it does. She can smell his cologne; she can taste his mouth on hers. She can hear him breathing in her ear, and it sends a shiver of fear down her spine as she is back in the NICU holding her seizing child in her arms, pumping her full of medication. She will never be safe.

"Addison?" Amelia tires again. "It's OK you don't have to go in. I'm here, you're safe." Addison opens her eyes slowly, Amelia takes her hand and squeezes it, hard. "You're safe." She repeats.

"I'm sorry…. I'm sorry." Addison cries, confused, not being able to put into words what just happened as exhaustion overwhelms her.

"Derek isn't here, Addison you don't have to apologize to me. This isn't something you can control."

"I want to die." Addison whispers. "I can't live like this Amelia."

"I know you don't want to, but you have to. You're not leaving me on this sorry earth without you Addison, we made a pact."

"We were drunk." When Amelia was eighteen, she accidentally overdosed on prescription pain killers. She came to stay with Addison and Derek for a little while when her mother kicked her out. They were young, and stupid, and let her drink, with them, while they were drinking, if she stayed in the home and did not go out partying. Derek reasoned that she was eighteen damn years old. Legally old enough to sacrifice herself to her country, but wasn't even old enough to have a drink? Stupid in his mind. Forget the fact that they were essentially giving a drug addict a safer drug of choice. She had assured them that despite her mother's complaints she had only used the drugs the one time. She wasn't an addict. They have any reason not to believe her.

"That doesn't make it any less valid." Amelia says, her voice suddenly small, concerned, like a child seeking reassurance. Her mind playing tricks on her, as she thinks back to the time she lived with Addison and Derek.


FLASHBACK:


He never hurt her in front of Addison, never spoke an unkind word. There was an afternoon in mid-January, Derek and Amelia were home alone while Addison was working clinical. He yelled at her about how useless she was, sitting at home all day listening to her CD player when really, she should be getting a job and helping pay some bills around this place. How she was eating up all his food and can't even wash a dish. Using all his electricity, running the television all day long. She retorted back with something smart and he smacked her hard across the face. Addison walked in the door just as he had picked her up by her throat, threatening that if she EVER spoke that way to him again, he'd snap her neck. He dropped her hard to the ground, pushing off as he let go, she fell to the floor in a heap near Addison's feet, whimpering like a wounded animal.

"Addie!" Amelia had cried, getting up quickly, and moving behind her, like she was some sort of protector.

"What the hell Derek?" Addison had screamed, moving towards him and hitting him with her bag.

"She's an ungrateful little bitch." He replies angrily, turning on Addison, and hitting her hard.

"She's your little sister! You could have killed her!" She hadn't yet learned to be submissive to Derek. Hadn't quite learned how to keep her mouth shut to avoid beatings.

"But I didn't."

"You will keep your hands off her Derek." Addison mandates.

"Or what?"

"OR I will kill you myself." Addison promises. Knowing that there will be repercussions to face tonight when Amelia is asleep.

He gave them both a look of disgust and stormed out the door. Addison helped Amelia up off the ground where she had cowered herself into a corner.

"I'm so sorry Amy." She soothed, helping her up.

"He hit you." Amelia whimpered in response and Addison just gives her an 'I'm fine' look.

They go to the kitchen and Addison pours them both a drink, taking a deep long drink if this was just an average Tuesday. She hands Amelia her drink and then they go up to the guest bedroom where Amelia has been sleeping. She didn't want to go to her and Derek's room, yet the living room and kitchen seemed too…. Open.

"Stay with me." Amelia requests. "Please… I'm scared… if he comes back…"

"This isn't the first time is it?" Addison asks her, and Amelia looks down ashamed. "How long?"

"He changed when our father died."

"Oh sweetheart…" She whispered, Amelia leaned against her, and for moment they are silent.

"I wanted to die." Amelia admits. "I took the drugs because I wanted to die." Addison studies her hard for a minute, trying to decide what to say.

"I'm worried about you Amelia, what you've been through is more than any eighteen-year-old should have to face. I didn't know or I would have NEVER agreed when you asked to come here."

"I didn't have anywhere else TO GO, I would have been on the streets. My sisters hate me, my mother thinks I'm a drug addict." She drinks the rest of the drink down in one gulp. Throwing it back like she's been doing this her entire life. "Promise me something." She says forcefully, and Addison is taken aback a moment at her tone. So much like Derek's yet so different.

"Anything."

"Promise you'll never leave me…. We're a team …. right?" She asks, sounding more like a five-year-old than the young adult she is.

"I promise, but Amelia…."

"No buts, you promised."

"I know, but It's important. I need you to promise me the same thing. You're not leaving me on this sorry earth without you. I'm here now, and I know what's going on. You're not going to get rid of me that easily."

"I promise." Amelia whispers, hiccupping from a combination of the drink, and the tears. And Addison holds her, and they talk until Amelia falls into a deep sleep in her arms. Addison scoots away and helps Amelia to lay down, grabbing a blanket and covering her, tucking her in, like she would a child, before shutting off the light, and leaving the room. She hears Derek downstairs, and knows that if she does not go down it will be that much worse for her.

"What happened today can NEVER happen again. You will apologize to Amelia and you will keep your hands off her." She says, walking into the kitchen where Derek was pouring his own drink.

"Why should I do you any favors?" He asks, throwing the drink back just as smoothly as Amelia had earlier.

"Because I'm your wife, because I am asking nicely."

"You would never hurt me." He taunts her.

"You don't know half of what I am capable of." She says, sounding more confident than she feels.

"You're going to go to the bedroom and get ready for bed." He says calmly. "You're not going to keep this ridiculous behavior up. If you do I will kill you and your stray upstairs." His voice is so calm it is chilling, and Addison begins to cry.

"Please….. You can do whatever you want to me, but please keep your hands off Amelia she's just a girl Derek.."

"She is safe as long as you preform." He says, his words purring sickly, like a tiger.

"I'll do whatever you want." Addison promises a little too quickly. As long as he never touches Amelia again, as long as she doesn't have to endure the same things that Addison has since their wedding night.

"Go to the bedroom and get ready for bed. I'll be up in a few minutes." He repeats his request, and Addison says 'ok' before bowing her head and walking off to the bedroom, knowing that whatever Derek has in mind can't be anything good.


*END FLASHBACK*


Authors Note:

A huge thank you to everyone who is still reading Breaking Free. It occurred to me that in abuse situations the spouse is often not their first target, and Amelia, the person who was there with him when their father died, seemed the most natural person to have been the first victim. Youngest sibling, 7-year age difference, the black sheep of the family. Etc. It also seemed very natural for Addison to 'sacrifice' herself so that nothing seriously bad happened to Amelia. I think Addison is very much a protector.