Shelby had offered to take Rachel to and from school whilst she wasn't at work, and she came downstairs about half an hour before they had to leave on Monday morning, her hair pulled back into a neat ponytail, dressed casually in jeans and a thin grey and white striped sweater.
"Coffee?" Leroy asked once everyone had greeted her.
Shelby bit her lip, "could I have tea instead please?" She was feeling a little better after then weekend, she wasn't sure if it was her new medication working already or if she'd just reached a point where she couldn't get any lower, but she'd decided she was going to do whatever she could to help herself, she'd already given up smoking and, now she wouldn't be working, she'd decided that she would try and give up caffeine too.
"Of course" Leroy smiled as he took the mug that had become Shelby's from the cupboard and reached for her herbal tea, "do you want anything to eat or are you going to wait til later?"
"I'll get some cereal" Shelby nodded as she took a bowl from the cupboard and poured out a small portion of cheerios, adding just a splash of Rachel's oat milk before moving to sit beside her daughter at the table.
"You can use more milk than that if you want" Rachel told Shelby as she ate her own cereal, "I don't mind."
"I'm okay" Shelby smiled softly at her daughter, "I can't… I'm not really a fan of milk, I'm okay if it's mixed into something like oatmeal or a sauce or something, but as it is…" she pulled a face and shook her head.
"What about ice cream?" Rachel asked inquisitively, "do you eat that? Because that's just like frozen milk."
"Sometimes" Shelby shrugged, "not very often and it, it's a bit of a texture thing for me, so as soon as it starts to melt then I'm done."
"But you eat yoghurts and other things that are a similar texture to milk?" Rachel was curious about her Mom's aversion to milk.
"Yoghurts are thicker than milk, and I prefer them with bits in. It's the texture combined with the fact I know it's milk, it…" Shelby pushed her cheerios around the bowl, "I just don't like milk."
"Okay" Rachel decided to drop the subject, "I didn't mean to push, sorry I just…"
"It's okay" Shelby reached out to gently squeeze Rachel's hand, "don't worry about it."
Rachel went upstairs to finish getting ready after she'd eaten her breakfast, giving Hiram and Leroy a chance to check in with Shelby, the woman reassuring them that she was fine, that she'd slept relatively well and, knowing she was taking Rachel to school, she wouldn't be taking her valium until she got back.
Shelby said nothing as Rachel came downstairs ready to leave, she smiled at her daughter and held out her car keys. Rachel's face lit up, "really?"
"Yeah" Shelby smiled, "if you want to."
Rachel nodded and hugged Shelby tightly before taking the keys from her, "thanks Mom."
"You're welcome Darling" Shelby smiled, waiting for Rachel to say goodbye to her fathers before stepping outside and getting into the passenger side of her car.
The drive to school passed without incident and Rachel leaned over to hug Shelby tightly once she'd pulled into a parking space, "are you picking me up this afternoon?"
Shelby nodded, "if you want me to" her hand found Rachel's and she squeezed it gently, "I know you have your therapy appointment after school, so if you'd rather your Daddy took you then I'll understand."
Rachel shook her head, "I don't mind you taking me to my appointment."
"Okay" Shelby smiled, "then I'll be here."
"Thank you." Rachel leaned over to hug Shelby tightly.
"It's okay" Shelby kissed Rachel's hair as she returned the hug, "have a good day."
"You too Mom" Rachel hugged her a little tighter before letting go and stepping from the car, grabbing her bag from the back seat, pausing briefly to turn and wave to her Mom as she crossed the parking lot.
"Shelby" Will frowned as he saw her walking around her car to get in the driver's seat, "what are you doing here?"
Shelby crossed her arms over her chest and gestured to Rachel walking towards the school building, "I brought Rachel in."
Will's frown grew, "look, I have to ask, what exactly are your intentions with Rachel?"
"My intentions?" Shelby raised an eyebrow, "she's my daughter Will, I'm not marrying her."
"You know what I mean Shelby, I meant what I said, Rachel, she isn't tough like you" he glared at Shelby when he heard her scoff at his words, "if you're just leading her on only to break her heart and sabotage our chances at…"
"Woah!" Shelby held up her hands to stop him, "first of all, I do not play dirty, if VA win at regionals, they win on talent and talent alone. Secondly, I'm not even coaching VA anymore, and thirdly, you really don't need to tell me what a terrible mother I am Will, I am already more than aware".
"Shelby…"
"Do you want to know the truth Will?" she finally snapped, "I know Rachel would be better off without me in her life. I know all I'm going to do is bring her down, that she deserves a better mother than I can ever be and I tried to walk away, I told her, I told her we should just be grateful for each other from afar and I walked away. I walked away and I… Fuck Will" she ran her hand over her hair, "do you want me to tell you how Rachel happened to bump into me in the store the night I planned on trying to kill myself?" Now she'd started she couldn't stop herself. "Do you need me to tell you how I've been living with Rachel and her Dads since that night? Do you want me to tell you how she sleeps in bed with me every night because she's scared I'm going to do something, how she worries if I leave the house without her." She shook her head, "so if you're planning on telling me how awful I am, on how Rachel deserves better than me then save your breath Will because I already know. But despite all that, for a reason only she knows, Rachel still wants me in her life."
"Shelby, I had no idea, I mean you're always so strong and…"
"Yeah" Shelby wiped at her eyes, desperate not to cry, "looks like that acting degree wasn't the waste of time and money I used to think it was."
"I mean this with the greatest of respect Shelby, but don't you think you should be seeing a therapist instead of putting all this on your teenage daughter?"
"I've got a therapist Will, and I'm taking medication, but, as much as I wish they were, neither of those are a miracle cure. I'm doing what I can Will. If I could, if she'd let me then I'd walk away, I wouldn't put Rachel through any of this, God, I didn't even want to put myself through it, but that isn't what she wants, every time I try to push her away, she pulls me closer, so all I can do is wait for the day when she realises I'm far too screwed up and realises she's better off without me in her life. Now if you don't mind… " she stepped around Will to get into her car but he stopped her with a hand on her arm.
"I'm sorry Shelby, I, I didn't…"
She sighed, "it doesn't matter Will, it is what it is, now, if you'll excuse me, I'm sure you have things you need to be doing" she said as she got into her car and started the engine. She knew Will was still stood in front of her car, could almost feel his eyes on her but she didn't look at him, instead reaching into the pocket in her door for the strip of nicotine gum she'd left there, popping a piece into her mouth as she waited for Will to get the hint and leave.
It took a minute or two but eventually Will reluctantly headed inside, allowing Shelby to leave the parking lot. She drove for a while, was almost back at the Berry's when she decided that she couldn't really face sitting home on her own, so, despite having nothing but her keys and her phone, she decided to head to the park instead.
"Everything okay?" Hiram asked when Shelby came home after taking a walk around the park, "you were gone a while."
"Yeah" Shelby nodded as she took off her shoes, "I didn't realise you'd be home so soon, sorry." Hiram had gone into work that morning to sort out a few things and get what he'd need to work from home but he'd promised Shelby he'd be home by lunch time.
"You're on sick leave Shelby, not house arrest." Hiram told her, "you don't have to apologise for being out of the house. As long as you're okay that's all that matters."
Shelby nodded, "I went for a walk in the park, I didn't know what I'd do if I came home so…" she quickly shook her head when she saw the look of worry on Hiram's face, "no, no, I didn't mean like that" she corrected herself "I, I meant that I didn't know how I'd occupy my time, I didn't just want to be sat on the couch watching TV for hours."
"Oh" Hiram had to admit he was slightly relieved, "well why don't you try doing some yoga? Or take a long soak in the bath? Then we can go out for lunch if you'd like."
Shelby thought for a minute before nodding, "I think I'll do some yoga. Am I okay to…"
"You don't have to ask Shel" Hiram interrupted, "you can do it wherever you like, I'll be in the office if you want anything. Shall we say about 12 for lunch? We don't have to go out if you don't feel up to it, we can just eat in the back yard or something,whatever you want, think about it" he smiled before kissing her cheek and heading into the home office to do some work.
Shelby headed upstairs, changing into yoga pants and a tank top and taking her valium before heading down to the basement, her head seemed to feel the 'fuzziest' right after taking it so she'd consciously decided to wait until she came back from taking Rachel to school before taking it. As she had done before, she found a yoga video online, losing herself in the routine for almost an hour, forcing herself to concentrate on nothing but the rhythm of her breathing and the movement of body as she followed along with the instructor.
She spent a while laid on the floor once she'd finished, trying to embrace the feeling of calm that yoga always gave her, her hand on her stomach, feeling it rise and fall with each breath she took, wondering briefly if Hiram and Leroy would mind her bringing her yoga mats and blocks over from her apartment so she could make this a more regular thing, at least until she went back to work.
Eventually she pulled herself to her feet and made her way back upstairs, there was still over an hour before she said she'd have lunch with Hiram so she decided that a soak in the tub did sound like a very good idea indeed.
She added a copious amount of bubble bath to the warm water, shutting the door but, out of habit, not locking it. She'd promised Rachel once that she wouldn't lock the bathroom door so she didn't, even though Rachel wasn't home, she kept her promise. As she slipped into the water she couldn't hold back the sigh that fell from her lips. She knew she was tense, that the weight of her anxiety was almost suffocating at times, and she knew that it was only the valium she'd taken that was giving her a respite from that but right now, she couldn't bring herself to care.
She found her fingers trailing over her body, hating how she could feel each of her ribs beneath her fingers, that she could no longer feel the dip of her waist or the swell of her hips, the slight curve of her stomach had gone. It had been a long time since she'd had anything resembling abs, but now there was nothing there at all, just a hollow where her stomach used to be. When her fingers ghosted over her navel she knew she had to stop, any lower and she knew her fingers would find 'it', the patch of skin that felt unmistakably different to the rest. The one thing she couldn't leave behind. A physical reminder of the one thing Shelby had vowed never to speak of again, not to Hiram or Leroy, not to her therapist, not even to herself. She shook her head and forced herself to reach for her shampoo to stop her mind wandering. No. It had taken her long enough to box up those feelings, those memories, she wasn't going to risk ever unboxing them again.
Only when the water began to cool did Shelby pull herself from the tub, drying off without looking at her body before pulling on her robe and making her way back to her room. She thought briefly about her options, she was a little reluctant to go out to eat, to be in a situation where, no matter how much she told herself they weren't, she'd feel like everyone was watching her. But at the same time she knew just how easy it would be to let her anxiety take over, to find herself in a position where she was only comfortable when she was shut away in the house, so, as she pulled her sweater back over her head, she decided to take Hiram up on his offer, she'd go out for lunch with him, and no matter how little appetite she had, she'd do her best to eat something.
"There's a nice sandwich shop not far from here, I thought we could go there" Hiram told her as he found her in the living room waiting for him, "it's about a ten, fifteen minute walk but I can drive if you…"
Shelby shook her head, "a walk sounds good."
Hiram linked arms with Shelby as they walked down the street, "is it too soon to ask how you're feeling?" he asked.
Shelby shrugged, "I don't know if I feel anything, but that's probably the valium" she said honestly. "I don't know if the new meds are making a difference or not."
"How do you feel about not feeling anything?"
"Have you ever thought about retraining as a therapist?"
Hiram chuckled, "sorry, you can tell me to back off if you want."
Shelby shook her head, "I don't know how I feel" she said honestly, "I suppose it's better than how things were but…" she shrugged, "I'm a little bit worried about the issues surrounding taking the valium more regularly too and not just if or when I need it."
"I know there's a risk of addiction and your body getting used to it, but you're only taking a small amount, and I'm sure the doctor wouldn't have told you to do it if they didn't think the benefits were bigger than the risks. Did the doctor say how long they wanted you to take it for?"
"Not exactly, just 'while I get used to the new antidepressants' I'm going back at the end of next week so maybe she'll mention it then" Shelby shrugged, "the note she gave me for work only covers me for two weeks too."
"Do you think you'll go back?" Hiram asked.
"I want to" Shelby nodded, "but I guess we'll see. I thought, at first I thought keeping busy was the best thing to do but maybe the break will be good for me."
"I think it will" Hiram agreed, "you've been running on empty for far too long now, take some time for yourself, get some rest, do nothing all day if that's what you want, recharge your batteries and put yourself first."
Shelby nodded, "it is nice to not have to worry about work, especially Vocal Adrenaline. It could just be the valium but I feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders."
"That's good" Hiram smiled, "sometimes you need to take a break from things and that's okay, it's okay to put yourself first."
"Thank you" Shelby nodded, she wasn't sure how but Hiram always seemed to know what to say, always seemed to know exactly what she was thinking, even when she didn't know how to voice the thoughts running through her mind.
"You don't need to thank me Shel" Hiram told her as they reached the sandwich shop, "do you want to eat in or get a takeout and eat in the park, or even at home?" he asked as he held the door open for her.
Shelby glanced around the seating area as she stepped inside, seeing there was only one other couple eating. "We can eat here" she said softly, "if that's okay?"
"Of course" Hiram led her over to the counter, "now" he smiled, "what do you fancy? The honey wheat bagels are to die for" he grinned, and Shelby couldn't help but smile.
"Seeing as you seem to be the expert, why don't you choose for me?" she suggested.
"Okay" Hiram nodded, pleased that Shelby seemed happy to eat something, "go sit down, I'll bring it over."
