Chapter 31
Dear Asami,
I'm sorry I haven't written to you sooner but, every time I've tried, I never knew what to say. The past 2 years have been the hardest of my life. Even though I can get around fine now, I still can't go into the Avatar state. I keep having visions of Zaheer and what happened that day. Katara thinks a lot of this is in my head, so I've been meditating a lot. But sometimes I worry I'll never fully recover. Please don't tell Mako and Bolin I wrote to you and not them. I don't want to hurt their feelings, but it's easier to tell you about this stuff. I don't think they'd understand.
Yours,
Korra
Asami took a deep shuddering breath as she read over the short, but very welcome, letter again and again until she had it memorized. She had all but given up on ever receiving a letter from Korra. Though she did continue to send the Avatar her own letters. They weren't sent as often now as they were when her friend first left to the South Pole but she still dutifully wrote about all the latest news and changes going on around Republic City.
"Seems almost ironic I would get this letter today of all days…" Asami muttered to herself as she sat on her bed, holding the letter in her shaking hands.
Her day had started out quite normally. She had gone into the office early and had a quick meeting with Maya to review the schedule for the day. She didn't have too many meetings, but it was good to be on top of everything.
"Don't forget, you have the business dinner at Kwong's with Mr. Park at 7 sharp. I've already taken the liberty of having a dress set aside for you in your office to change into and I'll make sure to pull you off the floor by 5 so you have plenty of time to get ready and take the car there," Maya told her.
"Maya, you're incredible. I really don't know what I would do without you. I just wish I could have met with Mr. Park at the last investor's meeting. I'm not really in the mood to go out and put on a fake smile while I have all of my decisions questioned," Asami grumped.
"Asami, Mr. Park is a new investor and hasn't yet had the chance to meet with you one on one like the others have. This will be a great opportunity to get to know him and he you. And, since you don't know him, it's not really fair to judge him so harshly yet, don't you think?"
Asami sighed. "You're right, you're always right Maya. In my defense though, these dinner meetings all tend to be the same, so there is a precedent. But I'll try to go in with an open mind and hopefully put Mr. Park at ease about his investments."
"Excellent! Now, lets talk about your 11 o'clock meeting with President Raiko. Here is where you definitely need to work on your fake smile…"
Asami walked into the restaurant and handed her jacket off to the attendant with a smile. "Thank you Zaren. How is your Grandson by the way?"
Zaren took her coat and smiled as he bowed to her. "He's doing well, thank you for asking Ms. Sato. He came home today very excited to show us his report card. He is passing all of his classes with flying colors, especially math and science," Zaren grinned proudly.
"Excellent! Please let me know if he has any interest in touring my factory. I'd be happy to show him around!"
"I-I will, thank you Ms. Sato!"
Asami smiled at Zaren once more before being led to her table where Mr. Park was already seated. Once she got closer, he quickly stood up and bowed to her in greeting.
"Ms. Sato, it is a pleasure to see you again!" Mr. Park told her.
"Thank you Li Wei," Asami told the host as he pulled out her chair for her and she looked at Mr. Park and smiled.
"Mr. Park, it is a pleasure to see you again as well. How was your trip to the Fire Nation?" she asked him as they both sat down.
"Very well! My businesses there are expected to stay well in the green this quarter," he told her proudly, a large smile on his face. Asami noted that he looked younger when he smiled. While only 10 years older than her, Mr. Park had been running multiple couples and investments for over a decade and it had aged him a little. But she liked that his smile seemed to take the years off him. The laugh lines around his eyes and mouth adding to his handsome features.
"I'm very glad to hear that, Mr. Park. Now, once we've ordered, perhaps we can discuss any questions you might have about the plans Future Industries has for the next year?"
"Actually, please, call me Chiho. I'm hoping we can be friends as well as business partners and being so formal won't help with that. Only if you're comfortable of course," he told her, his eyes a deep brown and oddly very honest looking for a man of business.
"Of course. Then, Asami, please," she smiled.
After they ordered their meal, Chiho asked her a few questions about some of the current and future products of the company. Asami found herself pleasantly surprised though that he didn't ask any of the usual surface questions that most of her investors did such as "What is the cost? How much can we expect to make back in profit?" Instead, he asked about the mechanics and science behind the projects. When he asked his questions, it wasn't with doubt in his voice about her ability like she was used to, but with genuine curiosity and an eagerness to learn. Asami admitted to herself that it was quite refreshing.
Before long, the conversation had drifted away from business altogether, though Asami had not really noticed as she was having such a good time.
"I'm telling you Asami, the look on my brother's face when I took him up for his first plane ride was simply priceless! He spent half the ride frozen and the other half screaming at me that if I didn't land the plan right now, he was telling our Mother!" Chiho laughed so hard his eyes watered with tears and Asami wasn't far behind him.
"How did you even get him up there? You said he didn't believe you could fly so what in the world made him think it was a good idea to get in the plane?"
"I bet him a barrel of Fire Nation whiskey that not only could I fly that plane, but that I could make him love flying so much he'd want his own plane!" Chiho grinned.
"You knew he'd hate it up there! And you still made that bet?!"
"Of course! Seeing my brother in such a state, and being able to hold it over his head for years to come? Priceless! A single barrel of whiskey was nothing for the blackmail material I gained that day. Heck, I'd have bet 10! It's alright though, I got the barrel back in exchange for my promise to not tell the story at his wedding last year. And I always keep my promises!"
Asami considered the handsome, grinning man in front of her and then smirked.
"You told his bride the next day, didn't you?"
Chiho broke out laughing once more and nodded. "What are brothers for? Don't feel too bad for my big brother though. He's gotten one up on me plenty of times. It's just what brothers do, or at least what we do. I'd still do anything for that old grump," Chiho told her and this time he smiled softly at her and Asami hoped to see more of that smile as they worked together. Wait…where had that thought come from?
"You remind me of my friends Mako and Bolin. They're brothers, and they'd do anything for one another. But the way they fight sometimes you'd never know it. I've always wished I could have had a brother or a sister to grow up with, someone I could be connected to like that," Asami whispered the last and then startled, realizing she hadn't meant to say something so personal.
"I can understand that, Asami. Being an only child, I'm sure had its pros and cons. But I can imagine the loneliness was hard at times. In fact, I'm sure it still is. Though, I doubt you can be too lonely, you seem to make friends so easily."
"Hmm? What do you mean?"
"When you came into the restaurant, I saw you. I, well I couldn't help but notice you honestly. You look beautiful tonight," Chiho told her, a slight blush rising up his neck to his cheeks. "Anyway, I saw you smiling and speaking with the coat attendant. It seemed like you know each other well. And our host, you thanked him by name. Normally I would just assume it's because you're here often. But I've also seen how you are with the people who work for you. People are drawn to you and you treat everyone with the same respect and kindness. It is quite refreshing to see honestly."
Asami blinked in surprise at both his comments about how she treated those around her and that he thought she was beautiful. It wasn't that no one had told her she was beautiful before, but it had been some time since anyone had complimented her like that, and certainly since anyone had said it while blushing and with that look in their eyes.
"I…well, thank you. I do actually come here quite often. It's one of my favorite places in the city. I've known Zaren and Li Wei for years. And well I suppose for everything else you said, I just don't see any reason to treat anyone less than what they deserve."
"It sounds so simple doesn't it? But I've known many people, especially as a businessman, who don't share that same belief. So many people think once they have the slightest bit more money than the person next to them, that magically makes them better. It's ridiculous if you ask me. I'm very happy to see we have that in common," said Chiho.
Asami had finally realized that Chiho hadn't just invited her to this dinner meeting to discuss Future Industries. It seemed he was also interested in her, as a person. The thing that both surprised and frightened Asami was that she wasn't completely against the idea.
"You mentioned that this was one of your favorite restaurants. May I ask, what is another? I only moved to Republic City a couple of years ago and there are still so many places I haven't tried. The options here are incredible!"
"Oh well I would say my other favorite place is in the Water district. It's a small place that sells the most delicious Southern Water Tribe food. I used to go there all the time with my friends but…we haven't been in quite some time actually," she told him sadly.
"Then we should go together! I haven't had much cuisine from the Southern Water Tribe but I hear the noodles are delicious. Perhaps we could go there together tomorrow night?" Chiho asked her, his voice tentative but hopeful.
Asami looked at him and realized that she had an opportunity to start something here that could be wonderful. Chiho was kind, funny, handsome and loved to talk about business and science with equal fervor. She could imagine going with him to dinner many times and truly enjoying herself. It had been so long since she had been on a date. Spirits, it had been when she was dating Mako as she and Korra never actually went on a date.
Korra…
Asami tried to imagine sitting at the restaurant tomorrow with Chiho, her favorite spot to eat with Korra. She could see him sitting in Korra's seat, see him laughing at her jokes, see him holding her hand, perhaps even kissing her softly at the end of the evening. She could even see herself enjoying all of it. Enjoying the thought of what all of it would mean for a possible future that wasn't filled with pain and uncertainty.
And yet…it still felt wrong.
Because as kind, funny and handsome as Chiho is, he's not Korra. She wants to go to that restaurant and see Korra sitting in her favorite seat, listen to Korra tell her all about her training or her adventures from that day. Answer all of Korra's curious questions about how her latest project works. Asami wants to feel Korra's rough, calloused hand in her own as they walk home together. She wants to fill Korra's soft lips on hers once again and no one else. It doesn't matter that Korra has yet to write back to her in two years. It doesn't matter that Korra was broken the last time she saw her. Asami still wants her. She knows then that no matter who else she might meet, they're never going to be Korra.
"Chiho, I would be happy to go with you but only as friends and business partners. I apologize if I'm misreading anything. But I just, well I'm not looking for a relationship with anyone right now and I don't want to give you the wrong idea," Asami explained to him softly, looking into his eyes for any sense of anger as she slowly pulled her hand away from the one he had been inching toward her.
Chiho just smiled, surprising her. "Asami, I understand, and you have no reason to apologize. Honestly, I think you are beautiful and one of the most brilliant people I've ever had the pleasure to meet. I couldn't help but be attracted to you the moment I first met you. And spending time with you this evening only proved I was right. But you can't force someone to be interested in you so if you don't feel the same way about me, I can hardly be upset with you about that, now can I?"
Asami was honestly surprised but smiled at her new friend.
"Listen, I'd love it if we could be friends, not just business partners. Deal?"
Asami reached out and shook his hand, grinning widely. "Friends."
Asami arrived home that evening feeling rather conflicting feelings. She was happy to have spent time with Chiho and become friends with him. Happy that he had taken her rejection so well. But she was also a little stunned at her revelation that night. She knew deep down that she still loved Korra and yet she had started to think that she had allowed herself to move on. It had been 2 years since Korra had left, and no letters had been sent. No visits.
Asami had almost jumped on a boat to visit the girl many times but she always found herself held back. Feeling it wasn't the right time. Maybe…maybe it would be soon.
It was then Asami grabbed her usual pile of mail and began to walk towards her bedroom. She sifted through the usual letters, invitations and the occasional ad. She frowned seeing yet another letter from her father. This would mark the 10th such letter she'd received in the last 9 months. She'd read them all eventually though she often had to work up the courage. She knew that this one would be much the same as the others. He would beg for her forgiveness, tell her loved her, that he was so sorry, that it was all a mistake, that he could make it right.
Except he couldn't, and she wasn't ready to care.
Asami dropped his letter in a special pile she had set aside for his letters as she walked into her bedroom and then glanced down at the last letter in her hand. She stopped, gasping as she recognized the messy handwriting before she even processed the words.
It was a letter from Korra.
She read the letter again and again, holding the paper tightly as if afraid it might blow away somehow in the confines of her room. The letter itself was short, and so full of pain, of unsaid things that Asami wanted nothing more than to hug her friend right then. Instead, she went to her desk and wrote a response.
Dear Korra,
I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am to have received your letter. It has been so long, and I've missed you terribly. I would be lying if I said I wasn't upset that it took you so long to write, but I try not to lie to my friends. I especially don't want to lie to you. But reading your letter, I can understand what you mean. For me, my letters have been constant updates on all the changes that have happened here. You have had one goal these past two years and asking you to relive your frustration every time you wrote to us, to me, might have been expecting too much of anyone. But I hope you know that no matter what, you can always talk to me about anything.
It breaks my heart that you still find yourself reliving those moments with Zaheer. Our worst moments do like to live on in our dreams, don't they? I still have nightmares of my father's face that day we stopped him. I also have nightmares about Zaheer too. I can hear his laughter while I watch your father hold you in his arms. I don't think I've ever been more scared in my whole life than I was that day.
I want need you to know that no matter how hard things seem, I'm still here for you. That I still believe in you. I knew you would walk again; knew you would fight. I knew because I believe in you Korra and I always have and always will. You're the strongest, most determined person I know. So please trust me, believe in me, when I tell you that you will find your way into the Avatar state again. That you will recover from this. Just because we scar doesn't mean we don't heal. My mother told me that once and I know it's true.
I miss you, please write again.
Yours,
Asami
Korra felt her tears slowly sliding down her face as she read Asami's letter for the hundredth time. She loved and cherished every letter she received from Asami, as painful as they were at times to read. She didn't want to read about everything going on in Republic City, she wanted to be there to experience it all. But she still loved every letter her friend wrote. But this one, this one she cherished more than the others as it was a response to the letter that Korra had finally written to her.
"Asami's pretty amazing isn't she Naga?" Korra whispered to her friend who lay next to her bed. The polarbeardog huffed in agreement before closing her eyes and going back to sleep. It was late but Korra wasn't tired despite all of the training and meditating she had done that day. Ever since Tenzin had visited, and she had failed to defeat the firebenders, she had upped her training (ignoring the raised eyebrows of her parents and Katara in the process). She would get better. She would get back to how she used to be. She had to. Asami believed in her.
Deciding she couldn't wait to write back she went to her desk and started her next letter to Asami.
Dear Asami,
I don't blame you for being upset with me. You have every right to be. I should have written back. I tried to so many times. I have pages of partially written letters that I tried to finish and send but never did. I was just so scared to tell you how I kept failing, how low I felt, or how much I truly miss you. But even though you were still writing me and telling me about what was happening in the city, I should have written back and asked how you were really doing after what happened. I focused on myself and how broken I was and not how you and everyone else were feeling.
I've come to realize over the last couple of years that I have a bad habit of that. I'm working on it, I promise.
I didn't know you were still having nightmares about your father. I should have and I wish I could go back and make it so that what he did never happened. I wish I could take it all away, so you never have to be afraid of him again. I wish so many things.
I've thought so much about all the horrible things that happened that day with Zaheer. All the things I lost in that fight. It wasn't just that he broke me physically Asami. It wasn't even just him. I fought so hard against the poison. Against going into the Avatar state. I couldn't let them destroy the Avatar cycle. I still feel like such a failure for letting Vaatu destroy my connection with all of my past lives. I know what you're thinking, and I know it's not my fault. I know that. But it just doesn't always feel that way.
When I realized how close they were to destroying the Avatar cycle, I fought harder than I ever had before. I wasn't just fighting the poison, I was fighting with myself, with Raava. And somewhere along the line, all of the pain and rage that was building up inside me exploded and I lost myself in it.
At first, I didn't remember everything about the fight with Zaheer, but the first few weeks after, it slowly came back. The nightmares helped with that. I remember flying after him, the feel and sound of earth cracking around me, the heat of my own fire and rage consuming me. I remember how badly I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to kill him Asami. I can't blame that on Raava or my past lives, that was all me. My pain, my rage. I wanted to kill him, and if the poison hadn't weakened me as much as it did, I think I would have.
Growing up with someone like Aang as my idol, and with Katara and Tenzin as my mentors, I was raised to believe that life is sacred. I've never wanted to kill anyone. All I've ever wanted was to make this world better, and keep everyone safe, especially those I care about. But that day, that moment, I wanted to take his life for everything he had done. For, I thought, having killed my father. For trying to destroy the Air Nation that we had worked so hard to rebuild. I wanted to kill him, and it felt good.
How am I supposed to feel about that? How could anyone understand? I can't ask Aang or any of my past lives if they ever felt this way. I felt more alone those weeks following what happened than I ever had before. You kept me sane, but I was even afraid of telling you. I'm afraid of telling you now actually, afraid you'll read this and look at me differently, maybe even with disgust the next time we see each other. But I have to tell someone, and you're the only person I feel like I can. You said I can tell you anything, and I believe that, so here I am.
Please don't hate me.
Yours,
Korra
Dear Korra,
I could NEVER hate you. Spirits, please don't ever think I could. I know that you think that because you are the Avatar you are supposed to be perfect at times. But you're not, you never could be because you're still human Korra. It's human to feel hate and anger. That man was trying to kill you, you thought he had killed your father, he attacked the people you cared about, of course you felt that way. It doesn't make you evil, it makes you human. I wanted to kill my father for everything he did to me. I thought about it while he was standing there in custody with Lin right after he had tried to kill me because I dared to defy him. For a brief moment I really, honestly, thought about it. All I could think about was the look in his eyes and how it would have been so easy to kill him then and there so I would never have to be afraid of him again. I didn't, because I knew it wouldn't erase what he had done. But I still felt that want Korra. I know what it's like.
I also don't believe for one second that it was the poison that stopped you from killing him. I know you Korra. I think that when it came to the final moment, you would not have done it. I believe that because I know you, I know your heart. I hope I can one day help you see yourself the way I see you.
I'm so grateful that you opened up to me about this. I told you that you can tell me anything and I meant it. But I also think you're selling a few people short. Please, for me, at least consider talking to Katara about what you've told me. You don't have to, but at least think about it. I know that I don't know her as well as you do. But I can't believe that the woman who loved and supported Aang through all of his trials could possibly think any less of you for having your own. You took a chance telling me, and I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. Think about taking a chance with her at least.
It feels so good to be talking with you again, though I miss your voice. And please don't apologize anymore for not writing. You're not selfish, you were just focusing on what you needed to to heal. I get it.
I hope you know that as much as things have continued moving here in Republic City and the rest of the world, there's still a hole left in it that only you can fill. Not the Avatar, but you Korra. You're missed by so many. I can't wait to see you again, and I hope it's soon. But there's no rush. We'll all be here when you're ready to come home. I'll be here waiting for you, always.
Yours,
Asami
P.S. In your next letter, would you consider sending the ones you didn't finish and send also? I'd still like to read them, if you're willing. X
Korra sat down and looked at Katara, worry sitting like ice in her heart.
"I'm surprised you're not training yet Korra. Are you feeling alright?"
"Um, yeah. I feel fine, good actually. I'll be going to training soon. But I was hoping that…um…that maybe we could talk a little first?" Korra stared at her hands, too scared to look at Katara just yet.
"Of course, Korra. I'm always here for you. What did you want to talk about?" Katara told her kindly as she prepared another cup of tea for the younger girl.
Korra sighed heavily, holding on to the words from Asami's letter tight in her mind.
"It's about what happened that day with Zaheer. About what I almost did…"
Once was Korra was done explaining to Katara everything she had told Asami, she took a deep shuddering breath, still refusing to look at her mentor. Katara was quiet for a few moments, before taking a final sip of her tea and then speaking.
"I very nearly killed the man who murdered my mother."
Korra, startled because that was the very last thing she expected Katara to say finally looked up at the woman who was so many things to her.
"You-what…?"
"It's true. Zuko and I managed to track him down. I took Zuko with me because I knew he would understand my need for vengeance where Aang would not. I didn't want Aang to stop me from doing what I thought was right. I didn't want him to think less of me.
When we found him, I stared into his eyes and felt his fear and regret. I hated him, everything he was, and everything he had become. He had taken so much from me and I had a chance to my revenge," Katara told her, her voice soft and a little sad.
"So..wh-what happened?" asked Korra.
"I realized that killing him wasn't going to make me feel better, wasn't going to bring back my mother. I realized that I pitied him and that, in its own way, was worse I think for him. I let him taste true fear, knowing what I could do to him, knowing that I was choosing not to, and walked away. But make no mistake Korra, I wanted very much to kill him. I hated him, and I had carried that hatred around with me for so long that letting it go was hard. I had to live with the fact that I wanted to kill someone, to take a life, for the rest of my days.
When I finally told Aang, I was certain he would look at me differently. He, the person who fought against the idea of killing Ozai, who would have destroyed us all. Do you know what he said to me?
He held me and told me that we are not our thoughts, but our actions. That it is not where we come from, or what we wish or think, but what we do that defines who we are. Though I wanted to, I did not kill Yon Rha. It was not about whether I should have or not, or whether anyone, including Aang would think differently of me for my choice. In the end, it was my choice, and I chose not to because that is who I am.
I agree with what Asami told you Korra. I don't think in the end that you would have killed Zaheer. I know that there will always be times where you might wonder if that is true. But I know you, and I don't believe you would have done it," said Katara who was now kneeling in front of Korra as the latter cried.
"How can you and Asami believe in me so much, when I can't?"
"Because we love you Korra."
Well look at that long chapter! Hope everyone is staying safe out there!
So a couple things. First, one reviewer asked when Korra finally did write to Asami. In Season 4 ep 2, Korra writes to Asami and mentions it has been 2 years. So, I've based these chapters on that. Obviously, most of what is happening during the 3-year gap is completely of my own imagination. The writers obviously could only show so much with the episodes they had. I know it shows that Korra struggled hard with what happened with Zaheer and in the show they focus on her fear of how she almost died. While I agree that would have been absolutely traumatizing for her, I also think there was more to it that than that.
The Korra we saw fighting with Zaheer was a rage monster set to kill not stun. When Aang lost control in the avatar state, he was wild and dangerous because he was young and could not control the power. He was filled with rage and hate when Appa was taken. But a lot of that can be contributed ( I think) to his age, and the influence of 10,000 years of past lives all converging at once. Korra however, was not being influenced by her past lives and Raava I don't think was pressuring her to kill. I think she lost herself in her own rage and hate and her power was amplified by it. I think her losing herself the way she did, and the way she nearly killed him, scared her.
I'm not saying that killing your foe in battle is inherently wrong. That's a whole other argument. But Korra was 18 years old. It's one thing to know you have the power to destroy someone, it's another to have that power overcome you and nearly do it. She needs to work through that, and I think her talking to Asami about it and now Katara will help her in that. But as we all know from the show, there's more trauma left over from that day that she needs to work through.
As for this story, we're definitely getting there. I think it will either be next chapter, or the one after where we finally see our girls meet up again. I know I'm ready for that to happen, how about you guys? Also, what did you think of Asami's business dinner *cough*date*cough*? Chiho is a good dude and I hope you liked him. Just because Korra isn't there doesn't mean the world stops. Asami is beautiful, and people are going to notice that. Someone was bound to make a move.
Thank you again to all who have reviewed, favorited, given kudos, etc. to this story. You guys and your love for this story keep me writing, so thank you.
*Credit to the first letter in this story goes to the Bryke as it is lifted directly from episode 2 of season 4.
