AN: That shark scared the CRAP out of me. THREE. FUCKING. TIMES: twice in City, once in the Nightwing DLC. Why, Oswald. Why would you do that. I trusted you to be the one with manners and you terrorize me like that. :(

The tie-in comics do have Jason visiting Arkham City, but I don't know when this would fit in. Timeline? What timeline? Timelines are for cowards. We give no fucks in this house.

Meli-Mel150-He tries, man, and at the end of the day...that's all anyone can do.

Guest-I sunburn, kid. Alfred can have the entire vacation to himself, he deserves it. Bruce can cope for two weeks.-J.T.


Out of all of them, Penguin's the least sucky of the lot. He's a businessman, Antoine tells himself. Okay, sure, he does some illegal stuff, so do lots of people in power. Point is, he's not one of the freaks going, 'I'm bored…why not set a fire station ablaze for dramatic irony?' He's…better than that. So he rolls with the bird theme from time to time. Okay, man, you do you. The boss…Antoine's not sure what that theme is, but he's got one. Cyberpunk Batman? Who knows. Who cares.

Whatever the case, he's not dreading going to see the guy about the safehouses. The Knight's not overly subdued, either, so this should be an easy in, easy out.

The Iceberg Lounge is located inside a museum. Not a cool, shit-comes-to-life-at-night museum, either. Oh, no. When they walk in, everything's still dead/plastic/whatever, and it's creepy. Of course it is. At least it's normal-creepy, not Jonathan 'I was mauled so I ran with it and now my face is a Halloween mask' Crane. It's the little things in life.

But still. Ugh. Museum dioramas are unsettling at best. The things inside all have that dead stare. The hyenas, in particular, are…he doesn't like them. There. He said it.

"Think there's much chance of a surprise party, boss?"

"No." The Knight's blatantly avoiding the hyena display. Antoine can't blame him. "Penguin's not that stupid."

Yeah, but he's greedy.

It's dark in here, with only the floor lights available, and dim bulbs in the displays. That makes it all worse, and he's not gonna lie, the crocodile, with its jaws wide open, gives him a small scare when they round the corner and it's just there.

The Iceberg is located past an exhibit called Terrors of the Deep, which is an unreasonably ominous title. Also, Penguin doesn't really count as a Terror, because he's…uh…come on, man. Look at the guy. He makes stupid bird puns and he comes up to Antoine's shoulder at best. Yeah, he's got a bottle in his eye, but…it's not like he put it there.

Oh, well.

The exhibit itself is straight-up scary, though. There's not a lot of light, but every so often something will swim close to the glass, scales shimmering. Sometimes there's teeth. Or appendages.

The boss stops and cocks his head at a larger tank. Seriously? Now is not the time to play tourist.

"There's corpses in this one," he says, and wow, Antoine is suddenly really grateful for the dark. "Talk about the food chain…"

Can they go? Antoine doesn't want to be a corpse in a fish tank.

Something moves in the tunnel above them, vanishing into dark waters, and then-

WHAM!

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT JESUS CHRIST-

A shark-an absolutely massive shark, with jaws that open wide enough to swallow him whole-butts against the glass hard enough to make it shudder. The boss steps back and says, "You're gonna need a bigger boat."

Really. Really. Now, of all times, is not the time for the Knight to decide to grow a sense of humor.

He tests his ability to develop eye beams. Either he doesn't have them, or they suck, or maybe the armor's just eye-beam-proof, because there's not even, like, a puff of smoke. Just quiet amusement.

This is Penguin's fault. His stupid jokes have rubbed off on the boss.

"Ah." DAMMIT PENGUIN- "You've met Tiny."

Really.

Why, man. Why.

Penguin's hat doesn't even wobble as he limps towards them. Antoine wonders if he's hairpinned it on or something.

"Cobblepot."

Penguin smiles. Y'know, it's not a nice smile. And it's probably just the bad lighting, but his teeth look…pointy.

Businessman. It's not his fault that he has maybe-pointy teeth. Crap genetics. Or good genetics, it's all a matter of opinion, right? Right?

"Right this way, boys. You're teasing my pet."

Pet, sure. Ha.

The Iceberg is well-lit. It's not a big place, maybe Starbucks-sized, but everything inside probably costs more than a whole Starbucks. And there's more booze in it. Seriously, that whole back wall? So. Many. Bottles.

"Can I get you boys somethin' to drink? Hot chocolate, even? Nasty weather out there."

Antoine shakes his head. The boss is quiet for a few seconds too many before saying, "No. That's not why we're here."

"Pity." It is, kind of. Antoine's seen the hot chocolates here. The whipped cream literally sparkles. He thinks there's edible glitter in it. Maybe one day, when this is over, he'll come in and try one. If it's poisoned or something, well, there's worse ways to go. "Ah, well, your loss-thank you, Miss Marquis." He takes the wine glass from her and Antoine wonders, a little, when she appeared. Friggin' Gotham. Everyone here has ninja skills. "Go and get that folder from my desk, would you?"

"Already did, sir. Here you go. And you need to sign for this." What the hell? Where is she carrying all of this stuff? That clipboard was not in her hand a second ago, he'll swear on that.

"What is this."

"New shipment."

"Ah." Scribble-scribble. "You tell them if they break something, they'll be cleaning the fish tanks, is that clear?"

There's a flicker of something across Marquis' face, but it's gone before Antoine really registers it was there at all.

"Yessir. You boys good? You don't need anything?"

"No, thanks." When the boss doesn't answer, Antoine figures he'll speak for him, too. "We're good."

"You change your mind, just lemme know."

She's got a body count. She has to. Nobody in this city is nice.

Whatever that body count might be, she doesn't add them to it when she leaves. Penguin grins around his expensive cigar and leans back in his chair. The Knight seems to check back in, fingers twitching against his leg when he says, "You have the safehouses ready?"

"Mm-hm." A ring of smoke floats towards the ceiling. "I'm hurt that you asked."

That sounds bad.

"Gotta check. I'll pay you your other half once I've seen them."

The boss and Penguin stare at each other for a minute before Penguin laughs, a nasty, warbly sound, and levers himself upright.

"Come on. You haven't seen my nice exhibits, have you? They're all one-of-a-kind."

"We're not staying—"

"I insist."

Antoine wills the boss to flip the guy off and just go, which means he can follow and maybe not come back in here ever again, but he's not so lucky. And so off they go, back through the marine room and into an elevator.

"It's down a little," he says cheerfully. "Hope you boys don't mind...basements."

Great. He's got a murder-basement.

The boss hums and Penguin chortles.

"You appreciate Joker's hyenas?"

What.

"I did."

"Thought you might-here we are!" They step into a dark hallway. It's narrow, single-file only, and he and the Knight have to duck to avoid scraping against the ceiling. Penguin, the fucker, fits just fine. "This way…even Jon got a laugh out of this."

Jon? Who's-wait. S'that the Scarecrow? Scarecrow had fun down here? NO.

He looks longingly at the elevator as it abandons them to return to the upper levels. It's damp down here, and cold, and Antoine is starting to worry that they're going to join Penguin's museum. It's a valid concern.

"You'll like this, boys, believe you me." Great. "Wakey-wakey, Grundy, my lad! Rise and shine!"

What.

They're on a bit of a ledge, as it turns out. It's surrounded by an old, rusted fence.

"I think Grundy might be an escapee of that Wonder City," Penguin says, waddling over and smacking his palm against the fence. "But I don't actually know. I found 'im down here, was thinking of moving 'im a little closer to the Lounge."

The fence keeps them from tumbling into a pit. Antoine thinks, at first, that nothing's down there. Maybe just...a fossil. Or something. But then the ground shakes, and chains rattle, and something snarls, "Solomon Grundy...born on a Monday…"

What the shit.

"Sir?"

"Penguin, if this is-"

"Christened on a Tuesday…"

"Now, now, boys, don't fuss. He can't get up here, try as he might."

A light comes on and what the actual fuck is that.

It's gray. Vaguely humanoid. Huge, big enough to toss Trent around like a rag doll. And it looks angry; the lips are drawn back and the eyes are narrowed. It's chained to the wall, but it can walk around.

And, as he finds out a second later, attempt to climb.

"Married on Wednesday…"

"The hell are you doing, Cobblepot-"

"NOOOO!"

The chains tighten and the giant topples back, skull striking the floor with a resounding CRACK! Penguin just laughs.

"You can't kill him, you know that? We tried. Turns out that if you give him a good shock, up he gets like nothin' happened. Thought you'd appreciate that."

The Knight's silent while the thing gets back up. Antoine wonders, a little, if he's going to throw Penguin down there, but he just turns to call the elevator with a short, "We're leaving."

Good.

"Now, don't forget to pop by the gift shop, boys!" Penguin calls after them. "Get yourselves a nice souvenir."

No, thanks.

Somebody's waiting with an envelope when they get back up there, but other than that, the place looks empty. All the same, Antoine doesn't breathe again until they're outside.

Which is about the same time Harley Quinn blows by them in an ice cream truck.

Why, man. Just why.

THE END