Chapter twenty-three
Eothen was heartbroken over the loss of her friend. She was also angry that she had been focusing on seeing Caryli again, and not on ensuring that she would be safe. She knew, practically, that she could not foresee this happening; Samra could hardly have been considered a target, and Eothen hadn't had any idea where she had been anyway. But she still felt like she should have been able to stop it. She sat holed up in her room, leaning against Rika. She was happy to be reunited with her, anyway. Hexen was busy being a chirurgeon – he had called Caryli's death as due to something called broken heart syndrome – but he would be there soon enough; she was just happy to have given her report and nothing more was needed of her for the rest of the day.
:You could not have predicted it,: said Taia, repeating what Eothen already knew, for the hundredth time. :Or stopped it. And once Samra had died, Caryli would not have wanted to live. I have felt that pain, the loss of your lifebonded; it is not something I would care to repeat.:
:How did you die?: Eothen asked suddenly, realizing she had no idea.
:In a most un-warriorlike fashion,: said Taia. :Whitestar and I were sitting under that tree; it was a hot summer day, we had an afternoon off and we were out enjoying the weather and each other's company, undisturbed. Whitestar suffered a clot to her brain; had it happened to me, she could have healed me of it, but as it was….it did not. She died; I followed shortly after.:
:Why does this Goddess you speak of create lifebonds?: asked Eothen. :It seems rather stupid. I mean, why is regular love and marriage not enough? Why does the death of one person mean the loss of one who otherwise would go on living?:
:I don't know.: said Taia. :Would you want to outlive Aladrian? I did not want to survive the loss of Whitestar; I know she would not have wanted to survive my loss, either. I knew one man who survived the loss of his lifebonded, only because he was bonded as well to his Companion; he was a shadow of himself. I doubt he thanked his Companion for keeping him there. I also knew my sister's beloved widow, not lifebonded; she did not wish for death, but neither did she fight it when it came, and she never married again.:
Eothen thought about it. She couldn't be a Herald without Aladrian, and she didn't see it as a hindrance to not survive his loss; but she didn't think she would have chosen it. She was glad to not be lifebonded to Hexen; she loved him, but she would not die without him. She still didn't know what the benefit was.
:Imagine me.: said Rika. :I am the last of my kind. That is a horribly lonely feeling. If you die, I would not survive without a bond to take its place, the way Taia's friend had his Companion. With you, with our bond, I am not lonely. That is worth it.:
:Bonded to Whitestar – at first, I didn't think I wanted it either.: said Taia. :I had endured moons of everyone in my tribe in my head because no one taught me how to shield and I wasn't sure I wanted even just her in my head. And I had all the same thoughts you do – I thought that my dying just because she had was a horrible price to pay.:
:What changed your mind?: asked Eothen. She still thought the price too high.
:I never had to be alone again.: said Taia. :She is with me, always, and she loves me, all of me, without hesitation or regret, even the parts that aren't so charming. She knows all my secrets, the ones I even keep from myself, everything about me, and loves me with all of her being not in spite of that, but because of it. And I love her, in the same way. Can you think of anything that beats that?:
Eothen couldn't. For the first time, she almost wished she and Hexen were lifebonded; but though she knew she couldn't beat that kind of love, she was also not sorry she didn't have it. She did love Hexen, and she knew he loved her; that was enough. She would miss him if he were gone, but she didn't want to die just because he did, and she didn't want the reverse, either.
:What I don't understand is how Caryli could tolerate being separated from Samra for that long,: said Taia. :I once made it, involuntarily, about a moon; it nearly drove us both mad. Caryli and Samra were apart for six. I don't know how they could do it.:
Something in Taia's mindvoice told Eothen not to ask how it was that she was involuntarily made to do anything. It was hard for her, because she was extremely curious; but she managed to restrain herself.
:Well,: she began, :we have fewer Gifts then in your day, and the ones we do have are weaker; could it be that lifebonds are as well?:
:I suppose.: agreed Taia, :Or maybe they built up a sort of tolerance. We never tried; we weren't interested in being apart, not for any length of time, so why bother to try? But we had jobs and skills that would make that possible. Caryli and Samra did not. :
:That's true.: agreed Eothen. :Rysen had just joined the guard contingent in order to secure safe passage from one town to the next.:
:So they did it perhaps out of necessity.: said Taia. :Thank the Goddess we never had to make that choice.:
Eothen could hear the sadness in Taia's mindvoice at the prospect of anyone being apart from their lifebonded, and she was once again happy she wasn't bonded to Hexen. She loved him – but she also loved being separate from him. She wouldn't have wanted to be unable to be apart from him; just the thought made her feel confined and helpless. But she also could see that Taia did not regret her bond with Whitestar; she supposed there was good and bad either way. Lifebonds – yes, she could see how never being alone, always having someone who knew everything about her and loving her anyway, would be lovely. But it would also be hard to never be independent. She knew Hexen loved her; and he didn't have to. But he also didn't know her as well as he would have, not that she was really sure she would want that. She supposed she was just too used to being independent.
A few days later, Hexen finished at the chirurgeon's center; they were seeing a lot of wounds as if Haven were a battlefield. Lacerations from knife fights, missing fingers or even limbs from a sword, arrow wounds – Hexen couldn't believe what he was seeing. The city itself operated fairly normally, but he could sense a kind of tension, the feeling that something horrible was about to happen. No one could quite put their finger on where it was coming from, what was going to happen, or why; but everyone knew something was going on. It was enough to drive him, and no few other, completely mad. And he was normally very level-headed, didn't believe in anything he couldn't prove; he could only imagine how people more superstitious were feeling.
He walked through the courtyard towards his and Eothen's rooms, enjoying the fresh air and the quiet. He walked slowly; he was anxious to see Eothen, but she was different since returning from circuit. He had expected that; rationally, he knew she would. She had been an adult, of course, but hadn't served any greater purpose than her own need to survive. Also, she had not been a native Valdemaran; she had depended on him for explaining Valdemaran culture, and she was markedly separate from them. Now – she was different. He was not central in her life anymore. She still loved him, of course, but she was more focused on figuring out what would solve the oncoming – whatever was coming. She said towns and cities all over were staging rebellions; he didn't disbelieve her, she was not prone to exaggeration or fear, but he found it hard to believe nonetheless. Valdemar? Rebellious? Surely the Heralds would be able to handle that; wouldn't they? They seemed invincible, as a whole, as did Valdemar herself. He could accept the fall of Jkatha, Hardorn, Rethwellan, even Karse – but Valdemar? It seemed impossible.
It was just sunset; he decided to stop by the dining hall to get dinner for both himself and Eothen. He knew how often she forgot to eat, left to own devices. He had taken pains also to get them rooms together, moving them in together as a gift. Tonight would be their first night in their new rooms; he couldn't wait to see how she would like them. He took some beef sandwiches on thick bread with cheese, and a sauce to dip it in. He grabbed some grilled asparagus that had been grilled with lemon and garlic, and fruit pies with cream for dessert. He piled it all on a tray and added big cups of ale. The tray was awkward and heavy, but he thought it would be worth it to arrive with dinner to celebrate with Eothen. He walked carefully to the room; he had instructed a page to escort Eothen ahead of him, so he was not surprised to see her already there. But he was surprised to see her angry.
"HOW DARE YOU?!" she yelled. He had no idea what she so angry about. "HOW DARE YOU, HAVE MY THINGS MOVED, MAKE THE DECISION TO LIVE TOGETHER, WITHOUT EVEN DISCUSSING IT WITH ME?"
"I, um, I thought you'd be happy," he stammered, setting down the tray of food. "I thought it would be a good surprise, and you didn't even have to worry about packing, I know how busy you are…"
"I am not your child!" Eothen continued to yell, but not quite so loud; there was no need for the whole hallway to know their business. "You do not own me. You do not make decisions for me. I should march right out of here and bunk with Aladrian; at least he doesn't treat me as his property!"
"But – " Hexen was still flummoxed. He loved her, he knew she loved him; why couldn't she see that this was for the best? "I brought dinner, I thought you would be happy – "
"UGH!" said Eothen. How could he have thought she would be HAPPY he had made such an important decision without her?! "I already ate! I am an adult, I can actually feed myself! I have done since I was ten winters old! I will decide what to do with this mess tomorrow; I am tired. And I am leaving."
She grabbed a thick blanket – careful to make sure it was actually hers, not his – and stormed out to sleep in Aladrian's stall. Rika joined her as well, after glaring at Hexen and flattening her ears at him. She had really been looking forward to her own bed, alone; she was just so tired. She couldn't figure out why, exactly, she was busy – but not any more than she had been on circuit. She assumed it was stress, but either way – she had just wanted to sleep. Maybe visit with Hexen before bed, but that was it; she wanted to relax. And now she would sleep, instead, in a barn on a bed of straw. No matter, she supposed, it would be warm enough with both Aladrian and Rika, and her blanket.
She slept surprisingly well. She got up early and went to breakfast, and then to "her" room, as she would at least need to change clothes, and she would really like a bath. But first, she grabbed a page and asked whether or not her old room was still available, and hearing that it was, if her things could be moved back to it.
"I's awful sorry, miss Eothen," said the page. "Mr Hexen said it was fine to move it, he said you'd agreed, and evr'thing."
"I'm sure he did," replied Eothen. "It's not you're fault, and I'm sorry for the extra work. Thank you."
Eothen took a deep breath and opened the door. What she saw almost made her change her mind; but she was far too angry, and she had had enough. When she first came to Valdemar, she had been afraid to have a separate room from Hexen; but that was when she didn't know a soul, didn't speak the language well, didn't know the culture, didn't know her way around. She had already been an adult, earning her own keep and making her own decisions, rather stubbornly, for some time. She had thought, by sending that letter about Hexen's declaring who she could and could not be partnered with for training, she had made clear that she would not be treated like a child. She had thought she had made clear that SHE would make her own decisions; she would not have them made for her. So much of her life decisions had been taken from her by virtue of beig Chosen – she would not give up the rest. She thought Hexen knew that. She thought he knew her and respected her. She was disappointed, to say the least, to discover otherwise.
Hexen was sitting on the bed, but he had obviously not slept well. His hair was a mess, his face was stained with tears, he was wearing the same rumpled clothing he had been wearing last night. He looked pathetic. If she hadn't loved him she would find him repulsive.
"I'm sorry," said Hexen, but what followed was not as good as it started. "But I don't understand why you're upset."
"Really?" Eothen said. "You don't understand. Let me explain. Again. You treat me like a child. Like I'm your possession. I thought I made clear with that letter regarding the whole you thought you could dictate my field training that I am an adult, but no. you didn't get it."
"You're still mad about that?" Hexen said, almost whining. "That was ages ago!"
"I wouldn't be mad, if you'd learned your lesson," she said. "But you did not. I was so excited to see you when I returned; but you have been smothering me."
"I don't understand," said Hexen. He was crying again.
"Clearly," said Eothen. "Now, it is true, I forget to eat sometimes; more accurately I am to busy to do so. I am trying to prevent the destruction of Valdemar. But while I appreciate you bringing food, I am capable of feeding myself. I am responsible for my own health."
"But I like eating with you," said Hexen. "It's romantic, it feels like family."
"I like it too, but I do NOT like your constant assumption that need to be taken care of. But that, I could deal with; this deciding to move my things, to a new room, living together, lying to a page saying I'd agreed to it – that I cannot abide."
"What….what are you saying?" Hexen paled.
"I'm saying it's over, Hexen," said Eothen. "I cannot continue being with someone who treats me with such disrespect. I cannot be with someone who thinks I need taking care of."
"But," Hexen said, "I love you."
"And I love you," Eothen said. "But that isn't enough. I need my independence, and I need to be respected as an adult, not as property, not as some child. You have not shown that you can learn to do that. I have no more time to teach you. The pages will be by to collect my things. Goodbye, Hexen."
Eothen left the room. She could hear Hexen begging her to reconsider; she almost did. She really did love him, and she knew he did love her; but she felt smothered by him, too. She hadn't even intended to break up with him today; but the more she thought about it, the madder she got. And she had thought spending the evening alone, after what he had clearly thought was going to be a joyous occasion, would have gotten him thinking about what she'd said. When she realized that he still had no idea what she was even angry about, and there was no "aha moment" when she explained – she didn't have the time, or the energy for that anymore. She was busy trying to figure out how to save Valdemar; between meetings with the council, the Heralds, the Guard, even the chirurgeons, she had no time to spend trying to explain to Hexen that she was, in fact, a person.
:Maybe you were too hard on him.: said Taia. :He did grow up in a fairly patriarchal society. His mother was Valdemaran, yes, but his father was Karsite – and they are a patriarchal society. He was better than his countrymen, but still patriarchal.:
:Hmph.: said Eothen. Taia was the last person she had thought would have a problem with her dumping Hexen. :Maybe when this is over, I will have the time to teach him. But as it is – I do not.:
:And I am saying love doesn't happen to everyone.: said Taia. :Lifebond or no, not everyone finds someone to love who loves them back. Don't throw it away lightly.:
:Hmph.: said Eothen. Maybe Taia was right; maybe she was making a mistake. But it was hers to make. And somehow she just couldn't spare any time or energy for Hexen. She felt unreasonably tired, lately; she knew she was busy, but not as busy as she had been on circuit. She had decided that it was due to her wild ride across Valdemar, but she would have thought she had recovered by now. But no matter how much she slept, she could not stop feeling exhausted. And she was so hungry, all the time, and sometimes for the strangest things. She had even taken to eating the meals that Hexen had brought her when she had already eaten, which did have the unfortunate problem of having him think she had not, in fact, eaten. But she was never hungry in the morning, which was normally her favorite meal, but she felt ill just thinking about food in the morning.
When she started gaining weight, she attributed that to having eaten to much, so she tried cutting back and finding time to work out in drills with the Guard – she figured that would be a good idea anyway. She spent time riding Aladrian as well, but she just couldn't seem to stop gaining weight. Or eating, either, she was so hungry. And so tired.
When she had missed two of her moon courses, she finally had to admit it. The first one she had guessed was stress, she had never been terrifically regular anyway. But two in a row? That had never happened. And a visit to a midwife confirmed it.
She was pregnant. With twins, the midwife said, she heard two heartbeats. Not just one. And they were, of course, Hexen's.
Sheka.
