Neon Genesis Goonvangelion Book 3: Pointless Kombat

Chapter 8: For Best Results Apply Directly to Brain / Tall Tales


Jared gagged, then tried to roll onto his side. His eyes popped open, and searing light burned into his brain. He tried to put one hand over his traitorous eyes, and someone caught his arm. The limb was pulled down with soothing nothings whispered in a foreign tongue. The sounds soothed his weary thoughts, and sleep claimed him.


He smelled the stink of cleaning agents the next time he came to, and tried not to move. His skin twitched, and he struggled to ignore the itch of intravenous feeds. Hospital. Hospital could mean safe, or could mean danger. Either way, interrogation was sure to come next, and he needed a clear head.

He retched, and spent several minutes trying to ignore the stabbing blades of pain in his head, nausea filling the cracks. A voice reached him with foreign words wrapped in sharp edges of familiarity, and the darkness took him again.


He woke up hanging over the side of the bed. His mouth and throat burned. His nose was cold. The colors and shapes were coming along nicely. The room smelled a lot more like vomit this time.

Someone asked him a question, the words slipping between his thoughts like eels down a loose pair of trousers. He answered in the same tongue, realizing only after he had stopped talking that the question and answer were in Japanese. So, apparently he knew Japanese now? The someone helped him next, moved him slowly back onto the middle of the bed, laying on some nice soft pillows sitting up a little. Small hands. Cold. Female, not terribly heavy. He could take her, and the guard at the door, even in his condition.

Where had that come from? He was in a hospital, why would he…

He waved off the offered water and swallowed with great difficulty. His brain raided the memory banks, added two and two, and came up with six.

"NERV." He sounded like half an octopus was stuck in his throat.

The nurse pressed a glass of water to his lips again.


More sleep and another few glasses of water and he felt mostly human. Memories of the last few days, years, whatever, came back. Everything he didn't want to remember. After the nap, he refused sleep. He refused medication too, ordered the IVs out of his arms. Demanded food.

The nurses gave him worried looks-he could see them once his vision came back. He mostly ignored them, focused on controlling his breathing letting his brain and body rest. Rest, and rebuild. His will was given the task of not thinking about anything as much as possible.

An hour after the IVs were pulled, Ritsuko marched into the room and ordered it clear of everyone else using a single look.

"Nice trick," Jared said, inclining his head towards her in greeting.

Ritsuko frowned, replying in Japanese. "Hello. Do you remember me?"

After a long pause, he replied likewise. "Doctor Akagi."

She pulled up a chair and sat gently near his bed. Pulled out a tablet computer and began making notes. "Your name?"

"Jared."

"Last name?"

"...Waddell."

"Before waking up in this room, what's the last thing you remember?"

A remote control and a flippant remark. Home. Safety. A shudder ripped through him. He remembered blood running through his fingers. Thick and hot and carrying away all of the hope in the world. Glowing eyes and promises made in fire. The sensation of vertigo assaulted him, leaving his stomach rolling. A single thought drove the uncertainty and conflicting memories from his head; survive. "Ugh… can we start with some easy questions first?"

Her brown eyes watched him carefully for a minute, then fell back to her display. "We can come back to that one in a minute. Who do you work for?"

North American Ninja Alliance. "NERV. Intelligence division under… Ikki. Ikki Yamanaki." Jared blinked. "Is he still in that wheelchair?"

Ritsuko ignored the question. "Do you know where you are right now?"

"In a bed. One of the infirmaries…" He laid his head down, gazing at the ceiling. "Unfamiliar ceiling."

"Excuse me?"

"An old…" He shook his head slowly. "Never mind."

"Can we get back to the last thing you remember?"

Jared swallowed. "Violently murdering people."

She sighed. "Do you know what the Angels are?"

"Ritsuko." He stared into her eyes, urging her to understand. "I'm all here, I just feel like shit. Leliel did a real number on me."

"I know, that's why I'm examining you."

"Ah."

"So you were aware of the Twelfth Angel's attack?"

"The fuck? Ritsuko, the only thing it attacked was me."

She stopped making notes.

"Sure, it may have looked frightening to you, but to me…" He frowned.

"Before the Angel attacked?" she asked.

"I was on the sidewalk, discussing Hikari's sexuality with Asuka." He ignored the rolling eyes and put-upon sigh from the doctor. "Then I was, well, I guess in the Angel? It tried to break me. I think if I was really weak it would have turned me into some kind of brain-dead puppet. It had backup plans though. It knew of NERV and the Evangelions. It knew a lot, and it wanted all of the intel it could get. Capabilities, defenses, secret codes."

"How did it communicate with you?"

"By tearing through my mind and dredging up whatever memories I didn't want to relive… and forcing me to relive them. Meanwhile it was kind of, uh, chipping away at my willpower."

"Did you fight back?"

"Of course. With enough willpower I could affect exactly what I remembered and how I remembered it. The Angel had more control at first, but once I was… emotional enough, I had more control."

"You haven't been your usual self for this entire conversation."

"I can grope you now, if it'd make you feel better."

"That's not necessary."

Jared shrugged.

"But I will need you to tell me about these memories."

"I was going to show them to everyone anyway. You know, for the play."

Another eye-roll. Another sigh. "Right. I'd forgotten."

"Lucky you."

"Well, anytime you're ready."

Jared blinked. "You want to hear the whole story now?"

"It includes everything the Angel said and did to you, does it not?"

"Oh. Right." Jared took a deep breath, and told her everything.

Ritsuko took notes like it might be the last thing she would do, asking questions at every turn and requesting direct quotes of everything the Angel said. When he described its final protests, he stopped.

"...And then I woke up here."

"You don't remember the Angel actually dying?"

"There was a lot of blood, Rit-chan. You saw."

Ritsuko let the silence hang around for a minute. "What blood did I see?"

"Well, I mean, there was a lot of it in the original."

"Original what?"

"Oh yeah, that didn't happen because I got sucked up by the Angel instead. So, after I got out, the Angel blew up and left parts of its bloody self all over the city, right?"

"Were you conscious when you were ejected?"

"No, it's… well, I mean, I was inside the thing and there was lots of blood."

"Go on."

"In my memories… Ugh."

"Can we move on to what happened next?"

"I think I was in this room when I woke up. Felt utterly-"

"I meant in your memories. What happened next?"

Jared looked at her for a moment. "You mean what I remember happening originally."

The doctor nodded.

He spoke quickly, biting off the words as if they had personally insulted him. "There was a revolution that lasted six days. Half of the ninja in Seattle were killed. Prof and I stood before the council to explain ourselves, and confirm they were behind the Prof's plan. I was their weapon. The shinigami they all wanted." Jared paused and sighed. "That was it, really."

"That was it?"

"The council agreed that I was the current incarnation of the Ninja Shinigami. I'd achieved my goal, the only thing left to do was bury the bodies."

"Your girlfriend."

"Contrary to popular belief, there's mandatory counselling for ninja in circumstances like these. However, I had something to do first."

Ritsuko motioned for him to continue, still taking notes.

"Andy called me. John was in the hospital."

"This was…"

"Right after. Musta been June or thereabouts. He'd been in an accident and..."

Ritsuko waited for a minute, then looked at him. "And what?"

"That's not for me to tell. You'll have to ask him. I had a-"

"Waddell, you are telling me."

"I wasn't in that accident; that's John's story to tell. I swiped the doctor's files out of habit but never got a chance to read them before-"

"Before what?"

"What Andy and I did next… I have some conjecture from the resulting chaos, but I never read the files."

"What did you and Andy do next, and what is your conjecture?"

"He fell in love. She died. Demonic possession may have been involved, which made Andy's request more of a 'must' than a 'should' at that point. Anyway, I had a standing offer-"

"Hold on."

"What now?"

"Demonic possession?"

"I may have been a mediocre student throughout Possession and Exorcism, but I still had to pass the course, just like every other ninja."

"P&E was required for Basic Ninja?"

"There was a whole series required to graduate; Possessions and Exorcisms, Basic Ghost Hunting, and Intro to Spiritual Manipulation. ANYWAY, I had a standing offer from Cherryl to go to New Orleans and live with her. Her family did good ghost hunting business down there; no ninja stuff. I told her I'd be right down once I made sure John wasn't going to form a legion of zombies and try to take over eastern Washington. Or at least I'd make sure he'd do it right." He looked into the distance for a moment. "That's right. She also made me memorize the rules and vow to live by them."

"Rules?" Ritsuko prompted.

"I had this problem where I'd sometimes kill people, forgetting it wasn't the appropriate thing to do. My price for becoming a ninja death god appeared to be my morality."

Ritsuko made several long notes filled with lots of expletives. "Great. That's just great. Fucking ninja and their fucking… grrr…"

"Ritsuko?"

"So you were killing people, and Andy wanted help."

"Right. John needed help."

"No possession?"

"Well… yes and no."

"You mean spiritual manipulation?"

"If his spirit is suicidal, I guess that means yes."

"What?"

"I can't explain it that well. C-student in P&E, remember? Look, the important part is that Andy and I fixed him. Took a bit of work, but we did it, and the rest is history."

"Waddell,"

"He came out fine. We sat down to watch some Eva. You know, do something normal. Andy put in the tape, and we wound up in a park in Tokyo-3 during the Seventh Angel's attack."

"You know why John's brain broke."

"Yes and no."

"Quit saying that!"

"I know what caused the current failure, but I can only hypothesize what caused his brain to break originally."

"You need to describe this 'brain breaking.'"

"No I don't."

"Yes you do, or you're never leaving this base."

Jared met her fierce gaze calmly. "Don't bother threatening me; I just lived through memories that would drive most mad and killed an Angel with my mind. Besides, all I have to describe is a broken soul trying to end its own misery."


Not twenty minutes later, Andy walked through the door to Jared's hospital room. His ever-present Hawaiian shirt looked freshly pressed, and his hair was even perkier than normal. He greeted Jared with his usual imperial air. "Greetings, Wa-"

"Not it."

The massive goon froze, and locked gazes with the smaller. The two stared one another down like basilisks until Andy finally broke the contest with an enraged roar. "That's not fair! Three two one-"

"Not it!"

"-Not it! ...GOD DAMN IT! You always call not it first!"

Jared readied himself to argue, opened his mouth, then shrugged. "I'm awesome. I told Ritsuko everything, so if you wanted a replay…"

Andy snarled. "Feh. The Twelfth."

"Oh yeah, did they catch it exploding and stuff? That would look awesome in slow-motion."

"It looked pretty much like the original, but with fine cuts slicing the orb apart, then it exploded and you flew out."

"And survived."

"Well, if you want to call it that," Andy said dismissively.

Jared sighed. "How did John's brain break?"

"I blame you."

"You always blame me."

"You're always at fault."

"You wound me!"

Andy cursed and handed Jared a fistful of yen. "Anyway, the pilots said his brain snapped with the distinctive sound of a dry pretzel being broken in two with the devil's own pliers in the hands of a soulless ice-cream man."

"In those exact words?"

"Yes."

Jared tried and failed to come up with a response to that, so he moved on. "So, he's reached the preliminary dissociative state?"

"It's pretty mild this time. We're looking at a class-1 patch failure."

The younger goon frowned. "It sure came on quick. I don't suppose there's any hint of further disruption in the matrix."

"We're not that unlucky yet, but the Thirteenth could arrive any time."

"I'd like to breathe free air before jumping into the breach again. What about the Jet-Alone MkII?"

"A week away, or something like that. Look, John's our first priority."

"Distraction, isolation…"

"I'm thinking a full patch. We'll remain prepared for a Class 6 failure."

"It's going to be worse than usual."

"Of course we are-wait, what?"

"When his mind breaks." Jared looked around suspiciously. "I'm quite certain our memories of our pasts are constructs."

Andy didn't bat an eye. "We have discussed suspicions to that effect, yes."

"Well, I'm certain of it. I knew I'd be a basket case after everything that happened to me back in college, but reliving it is way worse than it should be."

"How bad should it be?"

"I should be remembering a bad case of post-traumatic stress disorder, not fucking having one all over again."

"Do you remember-"

"Of course I do. And yet I live through one again."

"Maybe you're having flashbacks."

"If I was having flashbacks they'd be more like-"


Jared stood in an empty white universe, face to face with himself. He made little pistols with his index fingers and aimed at the other Jared. "You da man!"

The other Jared did likewise to the first Jared. "No, you da man!"

"No, you DA MAN!"

"No, YOU da man!"


Andy clapped his hand over Jared's mouth, eyes wide with fear. "Don't. Ever. Do. That. Again."

"Fmmr emmph."

Andy pulled his hand back. "Right. Well, I'm off to keep the universe intact."

"I'll bust out later and help baby-sit John while you make the preparations."

Andy was already at the door. "Okay,"

Five minutes after Andy left, Misato stormed into the room with a scowl that could kill a wolverine. "How are you feeling?"

"Permission to lie like an ugly rug, Major?"

"Granted."

"I'm right as rain. I never asked Ritsuko how long I was out."

"Two days."

"TWO DAYS?!"

"I see your voice has come back."

Jared coughed dryly into his hand. "Sorry,"

"I understand you were done with the sock puppet play."

"I'll be putting it on in… two days, I guess."

"Good, because I'm buried in paperwork." Her tone said it was all his fault.

He raised an eyebrow. "Damage, Major?"

"The Angel's corpse made a mess." She shrugged. "But no-one was killed."

"You say it like that was a bad thing."

She glared at him.

"Sorry, Major."

The glare turned suspiciously thoughtful. "You seem oddly compliant. Almost obedient."

"I guess so."

"Care to explain why?"

He smiled brightly. "I'm suffering from PTSD."

"You look awfully happy about it."

"I'm trying not to let long-term mental torture and interrogation before being thrown back into the maw of a soulless, inhuman war machine get me down."

"Very funny. You have a military background now?"

"I used to work for the North American Ninja Alliance."

Misato's mouth drew in a tight, severe line. "Used to?"

"Basic Ninja graduate. Specialization in Hard Target Assassination. Honorary title of 'Ninja Death God'."

She tilted her head to one side, eyes sweeping his face. "So you can take orders."

Jared's voice was carefully neutral. "Yes ma'am."

Her own voice aimed for the tone. "Hypothetically, if I were to order you to kill a rogue pilot-"

Jared's expression didn't change as he asked, "Who and when?"

Misato watched him for a few seconds, then nodded curtly. "Stand down and heal up, pilot. And make yourself available after your play, I'll have questions."

"Major, I've got to look after John, things might be crazy for the next couple of days."

Misato shook her head. "It won't take that long to answer me… assuming you cooperate."

"Major. I need to baby-sit John and help Andy patch up his memories so he'll be his usual asshole self. Things will be… crazy." He nodded at her deliberately at the last word.

She sighed, and smirked. "Thank you, pilot. Godspeed."


Jared slept for a few hours before a nurse woke him with lunch. He picked at the hospital food until Toji, Kensuke, and Shinji shuffled into the room. They stared at him like he was a ghost, and cautiously remained near the door as if feared for their mortal souls.

Jared took his time finishing the pudding, then put his food and utensils down and motioned for the boys to come closer. "Hey guys, 'sup?"

The group collectively let out a breath and exchanged greetings.

"How's the hospital life?" Shinji asked.

"Full of cute nurses," Jared answered, the words rolling around his mouth uncomfortably. "How are things on the outside?"

"Boring." Toji answered.

"We've been sitting in the staging rooms since yesterday," Kensuke added.

"We... we were worried about you, man."

Jared eyed Toji. "You're upset that I taught you to sing during an alert, aren't you?"

"Well, maybe a little…"

"Sorry," Jared shrugged.

The group collectively blinked at the goon, and shuffled nervously before the goon filled in the silence. "Is Asuka still upset at me?"

"Um, about which thing?" Shinji asked, looking perplexed.

"Um... never mind." Jared began to whistle 'Fly me to the Moon.'

Toji smirked. "We shoulda brought a card or something."

"Or one of those hand grenade lighters." Kensuke suggested.

The goon stopped whistling to glare at Kensuke. "You aren't going to train with Andy. Ever."

More silence gripped the group. Jared looked up, and after a moment, the other boys followed his lead. They admired the hastily tacked-up poster of a naked and very well-endowed woman giving a lascivious "come hither" gesture to the viewers.

Toji looked away first with a slight blush. "What is it with you and girls?"

"Throughout history, women have been oppressed, treated as sex objects, sacrifices, and slaves. The oldest profession is prostitution for crying out loud! I admire woman for her strength, for her perseverance, for her forgiving nature, for carrying children, and for enduring the fire and the sword! Woman deserves to be free, to be worshiped! She is the hearth, the home, and the sheath for man! I lay in humble awe of woman, and dedicate myself to treating the fairer sex in the manner they truly deserve, not pillage their rights to satisfy my base urges."

"And yet, helping them just has to involve tons of sex, right?" Shinji asked innocently, ignoring the surprised looks and nodding from Toji and Kensuke.

Jared smiled, and looked a little like his normal self. "Who am I to complain if being such a great guy just goes along with engaging in the natural and common practice of procreation?"

All four looked serious and nodded gravely for all of three seconds, then burst out laughing.


Shortly after the stooges left, Rei Ayanami entered the room and eyed Jared. Her perfect poker face was back in full force, though she strode briskly up to the bed and pulled out her little notebook.

"Oi. I really don't feel up a quickie right now, Rei-chan."

The albino pilot watched him evenly.

"But… my hands are doing fine," Jared offered.

The girl continued to say nothing.

"Did you want something?"

"Are you alright?"

Jared narrowed his eyes slightly. "I'm...okay. How are you?"

"I am fine."

"Yes you are."

Rei watched him for a handful of uneventful seconds, closed her notebook, and turned to leave.

"Rei?"

She stopped halfway to the door. "Hai?"

"Can you do me a favor? Give Asuka a big kiss with lots of tongue. Please? I'll pay you if you can video tape it!"

Rei opened the door and stepped into the hallway. "I'll think about it."

Then the door closed.


Evening fell on Tokyo-3 with a crimson glow from the setting sun and its bronze reflection off the clouds above. The scent of waiting rain hung thickly in the air. Cleanup crews slaved away to remove tons of biological matter from the buildings, sidewalks, and roads of the city. It was a thankless job that Jared may have laughed at, had he been topside to watch the crews clean up what could be called his mess.

Waddell was not topside, however, he was still in the infirmary. After grabbing a short nap, Andy showed up and demanded Waddell's release. The nurses insisted Dr. Akagi had to sign out Waddell. Andy threw a screaming fit, then gave up and left. When the nurses checked Waddell's room, it was empty.

Just down the hall, both goons met in a room containing one John Genoni, strapped to a bed, covered in a white sheet and several Shinto wards, humming the Imperial March from Star Wars.

"John, what day is it?"

John's glasses caught the diffuse light from the ceiling and completely obscured his eyes. "Candy!"

Andy's face grew taut with anger and worry. Jared's face held sadness for a few seconds, then he took a deep breath and a manic smile set in, climbing almost to his dark eyes. "I can fix him. I have the technology!"

Andy had just enough time to blink before Jared held up an old-fashioned shaving razor in one hand, and a very old electric bone saw in the other. His clothes were somehow covered by a lab coat. He strode right up to John's bed. A tall woman dressed in a fetish nurse costume walked out of practically nowhere and leaned over the goon, nearly suffocating him under her endowments while she pulled down the sheet covering him.

Jared revved the bone saw a few times.

Andy grunted. "No. Let me flash him."

Jared pouted, then met the nurse's eyes and shook his head. The nurse mimicked his pout and pulled the sheet back up. Jared stuffed a half-dozen bills in the woman's cleavage and smacked her ass playfully as she walked out of the room. He faced Andy, his eyes almost back to normal. "So…"

"You snap him out of it. He'll be docile, easy to lead. Avoid anyone important or dangerous and get him to the apartment. I'll run interference and get the anime lined up for reprogramming."

Jared set the medical tools in a random cupboard and removed the lab coat. "How long do you think the patch will hold?"

"No way to tell for certain."

Jared nodded. "Andy, you'll have to keep the womenfolk away. You know what kind of trouble they'll stir up."

"I know." Andy pulled out the Neurolizer. "Cover your eyes."


Andy stepped out of John's room and put the Neurolizer away. Nurses were running between Jared's room and the nurse station in a panic. One of them spied the large goon and ran up to him. "Pilot Mucha, Waddell has left his room. Did you see him?"

"No, I've been in Genoni's room. Was he dancing again?"

"He's missing."

"He can't have gone far."

The nurse glared at him suspiciously.

Andy shrugged and put two fingers to his head, triggering the Instant Transmission technique.

He appeared several hundred meters from his starting point, directly in the path of Ritsuko and Misato. He pointed past them with a surprised look plastered on his face. "LOOK, A FLYING PIG!"

The duo walked right past him, not even glancing in his direction.

Andy 'thought' about their reaction for a minute, then turned around and fired a ki blast over Ritsuko's shoulder, exploding against the wall of the hallway a few meters in front of them.

The doctor turned and yelled. "What the hell was that for?!"

"It's time to play follow the mad mecha…"

The women turned at the junction and disappeared from sight.

"...I can't believe I'm going to chase women for those bastards."


Jared had a moment to think of a clever way to get John out of the hospital, ahead of the nursing staff and the two most feared women in NERV. Unfortunately, he'd had enough of thinking and the depression thought brought with it. He unstrapped John and threw the goon over his shoulder.

He used the Instant Transmission to appear topside in Hideaki park, near the main sign. He reverently touched the sign with one hand, and set John on his feet. "Okay, we need to…" Jared frowned, and snapped his fingers in front of John's face several times, to receive no response. "I don't have time for this." He leaned in, nose to nose with John. "Let's try this, okay buddy? Code purple-seven."

Jared slowly leaned back, scratching the back of his neck. "Where the hell did that come from? I don't remember-"

"I know C++."

Jared jumped in fright, both at the unexpected sound of John speaking English, and the words he spoke. Fear clenching his heart in an icy fist. "Show me."

John whipped a pen out of… somewhere, and wrote several lines of code, then held it out for Jared to read.

The goon examined the code for a moment, then ran behind the sign to be violently sick on the grass. He came out, spit a few times, ripped the paper out of John's hands and tore it into confetti. "Only object-oriented code can make me that nauseous. Okay, that proves you know C++. How do you feel?"

"Purple."

"My stupid code words woke you up?"

"You were trying to wake me up?"

Jared collapsed dramatically to the floor. "My genius is wasted on you!"

John thrust a fist into the air. "Your genius is wasted on everybody!"

"You wound me!"

"I have not yet begun to wound you!"

Jared rolled back onto his feet. "So what's up?"

John smiled. "Slide."

"Do you have anything to add?"

"Pickle."

"Do remember what happened before you got knocked out?"

John appeared to think about that question for a moment. "Is this a trick question?"

Jared shrugged, and led the goon out of the park.


Misato and Ritsuko ran down yet another of NERV's endless hallways towards the infirmary. Andy dropped into the hallway from a conveniently placed ventilation grate, forcing both to skid to a halt.

The goon gestured grandly and drew on some Mel Brooks influence to shout, "Fooouuund you!" He then dropped into a familiar stance, energy crackling in his cupped palms.

Misato immediately did likewise, her figure lit dramatically by the blue fire bursting to life in her palms. She met Andy's blast with her own a split-second later. "Hadouken!"

The blasts slammed together and gave way to a small explosion that rocked the hallway.

Andy's voice rumbled in the resulting dust cloud. "Most impressive."

Ritsuko drew her light sabre, casting eerie rays of red light through the dust, while Misato quickly did a few stretches. The dust gradually lightened enough for Andy to be visible on the other side, waiting patiently.

He met their eyes. "I need to talk to you two for a minute."

"Then talk," Ritsuko adjusted her light sabre while Misato dropped into a defensive stance.

"Right." Andy clenched a fist. "Well… Uh, that is…"

"Any time," Misato suggested.

"Look, it's hard to think of something to distract you two!"

"You're here to stall us," Ritsuko stated the obvious. "What did you do to Waddell?"

"He needs to look after John."

Both of the women began screaming at Andy, talking over each other and towering over the goon.


The infirmary staff wouldn't say they were missing the goons, but the goons weren't around. This resulted in a mix of relief and panic while the goons themselves finished acquiring their supplies topside, and snuck down to Gendo Ikari's office.

"Dude, quit humming the Mission Impossible theme."

"You were humming it."

"Oh. Sorry," John bowed in apology.

"And why are you whispering? There's not any guards around."

Still whispering, "What if there's cameras?"

"We should wave?"

Jared and John waved at nothing in particular, then pondered the door again. "Don't we have some way of breaching this orifice?"

John held up a NERV ID card.

"I don't think you have-"

John swiped the card. A mechanical voice issued from the reader. "Good. Evening. Maya. Ibuki."

"One would think they've locked that card out of the system by now."


Nearly a kilometer away, Maya swiped her card at the secure ice cream vending machine, only to be met with a loud buzzing and red kanji on the digital display.

"What?" She looked at her card closely. "Noooooo!"


"One would think that, and be wrong. " He pocketed the card. Jared sighed and picked up the crate of grape jelly. John grabbed the bags of chicken feathers, and the two entered the office. Within the Commander's workspace was a large imposing desk with a top surface polished to a mirror shine, and an incredibly comfortable chair.

The goons cracked their knuckles and began examining the furniture.

Jared poked at the blank but reflective surface of the desk. "It would be nice if there were a few compartments that spring open on command."

John settled into the chair and smiled. "Oh. Oooh. Johnny likes."

Jared jumped onto the desk and ran through a quick tap dance number. Two small jet engines popped out of the side of the desk and fired up with an eerie shriek. Jared froze while the shriek rose to a roar and the desk lifted a few centimeters off of the floor. "Dude…"

John nearly had time to open his mouth before Jared did something stupid and shifted his weight on the desk. The contraption obliged the instruction and soared over John and through the office's window overlooking the Geofront.

Jared's voice echoed faintly through the air. "AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaahhh…"

John pointed at the flying goon as the desk launched skyward on a pillar of flame. "Chair! Follow him!" A scream of surprise came out of his mouth when the chair shot out of the window in hot pursuit, sprouting its own pair of jet engines.


"Okay! Okay!" Ritsuko put a stop to the yelling with her hands. Light sabre holstered for the moment, standing between the Tactical Commander and the Temporary Lone Sane Goon. "First thing's first. What do you want with John, Mucha?"

Andy lowered his guard an inch, eyes watching the Major. "I want him to get better."

"Try again," Misato snarled.

"Major," Ritsuko took a moment to calm herself, if only a little bit. "How can he get better?"

"Anime. We can suppress his bad memories and implant new ones from anime in such a way that he can function."

"Why can't he function now?" Misato demanded.

Andy spoke with the certainty of a professional. "His brain broke."

"What happened? Does it have something to do with that possession malarky Waddell was spouting?"

Misato's eyes snapped between goon and doctor. "What possession malarky? What do you mean 'broke'? It's not exactly a pocket watch."

"That... is a somewhat complicated story, and one that demands an exchange of information in this instance."

Misato took a step back, dropping her guard and exchanging physical force for vocal power. "Fuck that! What happened to John?!"

"You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!"

Draws her gun and puts it to Andy's head. "God damn it, Mucha!"

Ritsuko pushed the gun aside. "Major! Stand down!"

Andy's face was impassive. "If you get that gun out of my face, I'll explain."

Misato slowly lowered the sidearm to her side. "Fine. Explain."

Ritsuko pulled back from Andy and gave him a look that indicated she would definitely hesitate to get between him and gunfire ever again. "Tell us what's wrong with John."

"Not here," Andy gestured at the empty hallway.

"No deal," Misato said. "Here."

"John suffered a terrible tragedy many years ago. Jared and I found him in pieces and decided to put him back together. We zapped his brain and over-wrote the missing bits with some anime we had on hand. He woke up and tried to kill us... In retrospect, showing him 'X' first was not the best of ideas. That didn't work, but we kept at it. After a few run-throughs, we figured out something that let him function. That let him be… human. The John you know is the result of our work. He's restored... but far from perfect. Occasionally something stresses the imprinted memories. His brain tries to sort things out, to stabilize itself-"

"Fuck." Ritsuko stared at the wall. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!"

"I know. Should we kill him now?" Misato asked. "My Beretta is twitching nervously."

Andy blinked and stared at the Major.

Ritsuko, glared at Andy. "But because the imprinted memories don't exactly match, he finds no consistent sense of self and goes into a delusional dissociative state. Why is Waddell different?"

"Different in what way?" Genuine puzzlement washed over Andy's face.

"Jared's brain was probed by the Twelfth Angel. Full mental contamination… and he destroyed it. He came out calmer and more lucid. John has no trace of mental contamination, was only near the Angel, and he was catatonic for hours. Why is Waddell different?"

Andy shrugged. "Jared doesn't break; I don't know why. What happened to John had nothing to do with the Angel. Certain very specific stimuli trigger a Class One Failure."

"Now you're just making shit up," Misato accused. "Do you guys get a toaster oven for every ten mental breakdowns he suffers?"

Andy glared. Misato glared right back. Ritsuko stepped between them, waving their looks off with her hands. "Andy. Explain a Class One Failure. What does that mean?"

"The slices of personality he identifies surface randomly. He grasps them like driftwood, and they slip through his fingers like the moments of dreams. Eventually his mind will reject the implanted memories and go deeper. That state leaves him highly susceptible to more implantation. It's like patching a tire. On the space shuttle. While on fire. It'll hold for a while."

"You… you…" Ritsuko's hands clenched and unclenched at her sides. "This is inexcusable. Waddell had fucking training on mental trauma and you two…" Her eyes widened. "What happened to John?"

Andy frowned. "Didn't we just do this routine?"

Eyes flashing. "What broke his brain in the first place?"

"I can't tell you!" Light sabre and pistol bracketed his head. "I mean that I literally can't tell you! I don't know the details, only Waddell does and he says he doesn't know the whole story because-" Andy clasped his hands over his mouth.

The glowing blade and firearm didn't waver. Ritsuko's voice came out low and dangerous, like a hungry crocodile. "Continue."

Andy slowly lowered his hands. "Waddell didn't tell me the details, said he was certain those memories were false. Maybe others as well."

Ritsuko came to the conclusion again. "Waddell's brain has been hacked too? Before you three showed up here?"

"Waddell's has for sure. No idea why."

"Does he-"

"No idea," Andy repeated.

"Then someone could have implanted memories of you two fixing John. Your plan could turn him into a vegetable!"

"We know it will work."

Misato pressed her gun against Mucha's temple, hard. "Don't even… Don't you fuckers even…"

"Quid pro quo, doctor." Andy said quietly.

Ritsuko's eyes threatened, but she lowered her light sabre. "Don't even think about it."

"Quid pro quo."

Misato holstered her gun. "You're spending the night in the brig. I don't care what you-"

Ritsuko cleared her throat and spoke over the Major. "What do you want to know?"

"Doctor!"

Andy ignored the outburst. "The new Jet Alone test. I find our intel rather... lacking in that area."

Misato barely choked the words out. "Your intel…"

"The Jet Alone robot was hacked and disabled in the original series. Events have veered far off course since then, and we are short on details. No doubt interference from the SEELE council."

"As usual, Mucha, you only make sense by accident."

Andy raised one massive eyebrow. "Is that a yes or a no?"

Ritsuko answered. "We don't know anything about the Jet Alone MkII test. Yamanaki hasn't been able to penetrate their security. All we know is the government is willing to give Mishima Heavy Industries a second go after the disaster you and your friends have made out of the city."

Misato turned her glare on Ritsuko.

"Well, at least I know."

Misato met Andy's eyes. "Mucha, how come you're doing this and not Jared?"

The goon paused for a second, the question puzzling him momentarily. "Whenever John's brain breaks, the next time we encounter one another, we count to three, and the first one to say 'not it' doesn't have to be the Responsible One. Didn't you have a normal chil-oh, never mind."

"I can't believe I'm surprised by that," Misato muttered.

Andy slowly began inching towards the door. "Look you two, Jared will keep him from crossing paths with anyone dangerous, and John will drag Jared down enough that nothing important will get blown up. By this time tomorrow he'll be right as rain. Nothing to worry ab-" Andy opened the door, and something chrome and flame colored streaked past, nearly tearing off his face. Before anyone spit out so much as a single word, a mostly brown blur followed the first.

Misato's blink was nearly audible. "That was John! And Jared! What the-who-they-the Desk! The CHAIR! ANDY!"

"Uh... Ninja Vanish!"

The lights cut off, thanks to Andy hitting the switch by the door, and the door closed. The women cursed and flipped the lights back on to reveal a room missing any of the goons.

Ritsuko keyed her Mini-MAGI. "Security, why do the goons have Ikari's desk?!"

A tense voice answered in voice-only mode. "They stole it, ma'am, and we're in pursuit right now!"

Ritsuko gave chase down the hallway, meeting up with a squad of security at the next intersection. Misato stopped watching her a second later, and sprinted for the nearest elevator.


Several levels deeper into the complex, Andy appeared holding two fingers to his forehead. At the far end of a disturbingly long hallway, the light of a rapidly approaching rocket-powered desk shone dimly.

"RED LIGHT!" Andy screamed, bracing his footing and putting up one hand like he were about to stop a runaway train.

A few seconds later, the desk obediently came to a smooth halt... one inch from Andy. Jared stood on the top, still posed like a surfer catching the big one. He slowly converted his grimace into a smarmy smile. "Heh. Fancy meeting you here."

John slowly pulled up next to Jared in the Chair. "Duuuuuude... Who are you?"

Andy glanced between the goons for a few seconds. "Look. Guys. I... I... What the hell did you do?! Where has NERV been hiding these things?!"

Jared frowned. "We, uh, found them in Gendo's office."

"You were booby-trapping Gendo's office?"

"I said nothing of the sort!"

"But you were, weren't you?" Andy pressed.

Jared stood proudly and pounded a fist on his chest. "Of course!"

"Well... I think you'd better return those. The female-things seem pretty upset that you guys had them."

John laced his fingers together from his mouth and mimicked Gendo Ikari's cadence. "But this chair is very... comfortable."

The other two shuddered.

"Get him out of that Chair," Andy ordered.

Jared stiffened his pose. "No problem." The goon slowly turned the desk so that he could face John. The Chair rolled a meter down the hallway to keep some distance between the goons.

"John? Could you come here for a moment?"

John remained silent, glanced once at Andy. Andy waved at Jared, indicating he should get on with things. Jared crouched slightly. John leaned back in the Chair, then started rolling back again. The Desk tilted towards the goon, and the Chair exploded into motion. The Desk belched fire and took up the chase.

Andy, charred from head to toe, coughed out a tiny cloud of smoke, and pressed two fingers to his forehead. "Morons."

The Instant Transmission concluded at the far end of the hallway, forcing John to stop two meters away from the large goon. Jared halted the Desk carefully another two meters away.

"John?" Andy tried gently.

"What?"

"Could you get out of the Chair, please?"

"No."

"I said please."

"I said no."

"John, get out of the Chair, now."

"No."

"John…"

"Stay back!"

"God DAMN IT!" Andy leaned a little to the left so he could glare and yell at Jared. "You can quit laughing and help me any time now!"

"You're scary!" John asserted.

"I'll show you scary!" Andy lunged at John.

The Chair leaned back and rolled to the side at the last instant, while a foot rest popped up to clip Andy in the shins. Andy stumbled to one side, found his center of gravity, and aimed a one-handed ki blast at John. The Chair spun in place while reclining, the headrest smacking into Andy's hand and sending the ki blast into the ceiling.

Then the Chair took off, zooming down the hallway and turning at the next junction.

"Dude, you just got your ass handed to by a guy sitting in a chair."

"That wasn't any chair! That was THE Chair! Chair Prime! Ur Chair! The Template from which all other chairs are wrought!" Lightning illuminated the hallway to the crash of thunder and the distant sound of waves crashing upon rocky shore.

"Are you done?"

"That desk can fly; go after him, you idiot!"


Less than a minute after Jared resumed his pursuit of the Chair, both Chair and Desk rocketed out of an access hatch into the geofront proper. A small contingent of NERV Security followed with a few Stinger missile launchers. Now out of the confines of the base, they fired at the Desk and Chair. The first missile missed Jared only narrowly, and both of the goons ceased fighting long enough to strafe the security forces. Jared landed and used the Desk as a weapon while John remained seated and handily knocked out opponents using his 'Chair-Fu.'

As the dust cleared, Jared leaned against the Desk, snacking on a cheese sandwich. John sat next to him in the Chair, calmly surveying their handiwork.

"Well played?" Jared asked after a few seconds.

John nodded. "Well played."

Jared glanced at the Desk. "Think we should keep 'em?"

John petted an armrest like a beloved pet. "Hey, I'm not letting this thing go waste on that withered old coot."

"Agreed. Plus, we already pranked his office. Man, I would NOT want to go in there. I almost feel sorry for the janitorial staff."

"Did you see the dust in there? I don't think the janitorial staff even knows where that office is."

Jared shrugged in agreement. The two shared a moment of silence.

"Well, you hungry?"

"Famished."

Jared casually reached for an armrest. "Well, you'll have to get out of that-"

John hissed threateningly.

Jared jerked his hand back. "Or not."


In Central Dogma, Misato was screaming directly into Makoto's ear. "What do you mean, it vanished?"

"It's gone, ma'am! No trace! None of the tracking devices are on my scope!"

Andy snorted from behind the Major. "I keep telling you, Jared knows his way around electronics. By now they're long gone and the Chair and Desk are hidden where even they won't find them."

Behind Andy, Ritsuko's voice was low and threatening. "You'd better hope so."

"What the hell is so important about Gendo's furniture?! Have you people all gone mad? Wait! Don't answer that!" He put two fingers to his forehead, and vanished.

Misato left Makoto alone. "Doctor. Your office."


Doctor Akagi and Major Katsuragi entered the doctor's office, disarmed the traps in but a few seconds, and took their seats behind and before the desk, respectively.

"Why can't they just tell us the truth for once?" Misato asked.

Ritsuko stopped looking at the top of her desk. "I believe... some of what Mucha said."

"But he's crazy. And the rest of that... speech? It's like he's implying that he and Jared have also had their brains overwritten with anime, and I should be asking why or by whom, but that's just going to lead us down a slippery slope into a burrito of an enigma, or something!"

"Mis-chan, you've been hanging around Andy too much."

"That's the problem! And he has to be lying! There's no-"

"In the short term, nothing he said changes anything. You will know if it does."

Misato rubbed her temples for a minute."I'm going to go do some very boring paperwork for a while. Don't let Mucha come near me, okay?"

Ritsuko chuckled dryly. "Deal."


John and Jared returned to the apartment a few hours after dealing with NERV's guards and hiding the Chair and Desk. A trio of small boxes took up their entryway, distracting the pair. John tore the lid off of one box and swiftly fashioned from it a cardboard sword, with which he began performing kata. Jared opened all three boxes and set the contents on the coffee table. "Sweet, our bomber jackets have arrived!"

John ignored the cry.

Jared broke down the boxes and hid them in the lab. When he returned to the living room area, John was still working through his kata. The first jacket featured a yellow smiley face on the back, with the English words 'BOOM' and 'Whee' above and below the face. Before Jared confirmed the correct logo was on the next jacket, John bounded over and jumped in front of Jared's face. "Yay! What are these?"

"They came with our contract."

"Contract?"

"Yeah."

John continued to smile inanely.

Jared reached around his fellow goon and scooped up the jackets. The second one featured a pinup girl, the last a house of cards. Then the doorbell rang. Jared grumbled and opened it, jackets still in hand. "It's for you, dude."

"Not that octopus again."

Jared rolled his eyes and walked down the hallway to put away the jackets, leaving Rei to let herself into the entryway and remove her outside shoes.

John took in the visitor with a blank look. When she didn't introduce herself in the first few seconds, he made his own greeting. "Why, hello there."

"Genoni-oniisan, can we talk?"

Jared passed the pair in the hallway, and watched them enter John's room. He shrugged and fired up a video game. After murdering several dozen people, Ayanami left John's room, walked past Jared, and started putting on her shoes.

Wait a minute, that last sentence was poorly written. Ayanami didn't murder several dozen people, Jared did.

Wait, Jared didn't murder several dozen people. Well, not while waiting for Rei to finish talking with John.

Jared was playing a video game which simulated the murder of several dozen fictional people. While he played that video game, Ayanami talked with Genoni.

Moving on!

Jared paused his game. "S'up, babe?"

Rei continued putting on her shoes and didn't answer.

"Oh, the big Ayanami Silent Treatment, huh? What'd you guys talk about?"

Rei gave him a glance, said nothing, and left. The door shut behind her.

The game controller fell from Jared's hands. "What the... on anyone else, that's nothing. But was she... sad? Oh well, on to ice cream!"

John sat next to him on the couch. "Ice cream? Where? I want it! I want it!"


Andy staggered into the apartment, leaving the front door wide open. He aimed for the couch and checked his Mini-MAGI. Fifty-eight messages. He looked for the button to delete them all, and failed to find it by the time he made it to the couch. He removed the device and turned on the TV.

"Hey," Jared said, sitting next to Andy.

"Hey," Andy answered.

John arrived from the hallway and handed Andy the leather bomber jacket with the happy yellow face. Andy straightened up in his seat and whooped for joy. "Hell yeah! When'd these come?"

"Today," Jared answered.

"What'd they do, raise the calves by hand?"

Jared frowned. "They better have, I put very specific calf-rearing instructions into that contract! If somebody deviated from it without a good reason, they'll be picking out their tombstone by nightfall!"

Andy held the jacket at arm's length. "Why?"

"Well, I thought that by raising the cows a certain way, the coats would be more or less bullet-proof."

"You're an idiot."

"The plan did sound better in my head."

"And if that worked, wouldn't they be hard to kill?"

"You don't know the half of it. There was this fish my dad and I caught in Texas that required a chainsaw to... anyway, I left detailed calf-killing instructions in our contracts too."

Andy and John said nothing for a dozen seconds.

"I should not have said that last part out loud," Jared admitted to himself.

"Uh. Thank you. It's… really nice."

"Shame it's too damn hot to wear 'em, though."

Andy nodded. "Yes, sadly. So, ask me about my day."

"How was your day?"

"Oh, pretty uneventful. Just some complete MORONS stole a fucking flying chair and desk with rockets on it... which are apparently some huge state secret in an organization with a graveyard of bio-mechanical war machines a thousand meters under the surface and I get bitched out for-WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PLANET?!"

The phone on the coffee table rang, drawing Andy's wrath like a lightning rod for righteous fury. The huge goon snatched the receiver off the cradle. "Hello? Yes, of course they're here." He grabbed his Mini-MAGI and quickly strapped it to his wrist. "We're all wearing our mini-MAGI... No, I have no idea where those-those, things are. Why the hell do you care?! ...They're not here! ...It's [FURNITURE]! Hello? Hello?!"

Andy huffed, and hurled the phone at the apartment's open door, the entrance of which was wide open, allowing Shinji to stand in the path of the flying object.

Which slammed into the Third Children's forehead, conveniently robbing the Eva pilot of consciousness. Andy froze in his follow-through and stared at the results of his handiwork.

For a moment, the TV was the only thing making noise.

Then Jared finished crafting his one-liner. "You should stop that before you kill somebody important."

"Why... didn't he... knock?" Andy asked.

Jared pointed at the open door. "Because the door is wide open!"

Andy squinted at the door. "Oh. Well. I... guess someone should get him to the hospital."

Jared nodded absently for a second, then his eyes widened and he jumped to his feet and thrust his hand into the air. "Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! Me!"

"You're going to grope the nurses there, aren't you?" Andy's squinted gaze turned on Jared.

With completely false surprise, "How-how did you know?!"

"Don't make me answer that. Yes, you can take him to the hospital. You deal with NERV. I just want to kick back and play video games. John, you'll be staying here with me."

John fired up the gaming console. Fire lit his eyes. "Sure. Prepare for your crushing defeat."

Andy sighed and grumbled wordlessly as he picked up his controller.


The next day found John and Jared clashing with words in NERV. Apparently their civil discussion was the most interesting thing happening in the whole base that day, as most of the command staff were following the pair and listening with interest.

John sneered and launched yet another volley. "Mido-clan Sexcraft is a joke. Miko has absolutely no fighting ability what-so-ever."

"Take that back!" Jared demanded, striking a pose.

John stood his ground. "Not a chance! She's so weak, she could be defeated and then molested by a wet paper sack."

"That was just in that one episode! In the semi-canonical OAV! Besides, you're missing the point of Sexcraft. Its primary focus is to lull the enemy into a false sense of confidence and defeat him from the inside by the very act, namely sex, which they want! Demons lose their consistency and humans…"

"Get tired banging the slut."

"Don't call her that!"

"Why not?! Her job description is to get fucked by tentacle demons and 'evil' ninja multiple times every damn episode. And I say 'fucked' instead of 'raped' because the little whore wants it as much as the demons do."

Jared shrugged. "She's half-demon, it's in her nature to be a little frisky."

Until now, Misato had been lucky enough to not happen across the pair. Shouldering aside a couple of random technicians, she burst into the conversation, demanding answers to questions she should have known better than to ask. "What's going on here? Why aren't you all working?"

Asuka answered without looking away from the duo. "John and Jared have become partial to tests of intellect-debates if you will-over completely pointless topics. The goal is to see how long they can argue without resorting to violence."

The Major raised an eyebrow. "Oh really? What's the topic this time?"

"I'm pointedly ignoring them, but I think they were discussing whether La Blue Girl is merely tentacle porn or if it also counts as ninja anime. Jared's arguing for, John's against."

Under her breath, "Ignoring them. Right." Out loud, "Couldn't it just be Ninja Tentacle anime?"

"I'm sure most would accept that, but, as I said, they pick pointless topics."

"So where are they now?"

"Something about while there are ninja in the anime, the main character must be one to fully count. John's attacking Miko by denying she's a real ninja. Jared said she is a kunnoichi because she has the clothes, the moves, and the Cool Factor. John negated the clothes saying she hardly wears them and when she does they don't stay on her for more than a minute. So now John's attacking Miko's skills as a ninja."

"Ritsuko took the same track when I had to master that Sexcraft style to save…" Misato trailed off as Asuka's rapt gaze shifted to her. "Never mind! I thought you were ignoring them."

Asuka blinked, her eyes still wide, and wandered out of the hall like the lone survivor of a nuclear holocaust coming to grips with their situation.

Misato sighed. Already a four-alarm headache and they hadn't said a word to her. Not even noticed she'd arrived, really. She moved to get between the two idiots. "Guys-"

"DIE!" Jared shouted, leaping at John.

"NEVER!" John roared, leaping at Jared.

The two clashed like fighting bulls. Chests butted. Punches exchanged. Misato watched in confusion, hands raised in futility. The punches gave way to chest butting, then a few chuckles, then they walked away from the crowd with an arm over each other's shoulder.

Misato lowered her hands. "Well, that was… weird."

Indeed.


Moments later, in the cafeteria, Jared and John found their way to the food line.

Jared pointed at the food as if John couldn't operate his own eyeballs. "Hey, they have Italian for lunch!"

"WHAT? Where?" A girlish squeal of fear leapt from his mouth. "Get it away from me!"

Jared frowned at the goon hiding behind him. "You love Italian. You are Italian. What's wrong with you?"

"Spaghetti... spaghetti everywhere... coming to get me... Noodles! Get them away!"

"Oookaaay…" Jared steered his friend to a table only occupied by Rei. She was eating some lasagna, and not having a very easy time of it. Ever try to eat lasagna with chopsticks? Worse than soup! Jared inclined his head towards the girl. "Rei. S'up."

Rei matched the odd head-nod. "word. what up, dog?"

At hearing Rei, John snapped out of it and looked around, confused.

"Not much, girl." Jared pointed John at the table. "C'mon, homie."

John smiled at Rei. "Hey girl."

Rei blinked and looked at John carefully. John blinked and matched Rei's look.

John poked Jared in the side. "What…"

Jared smirked. "I've been teaching Rei ebonics."

"You can barely speak normal English, you racist fucker. Why would you do this?"

"Well, I keep talking to her, and that flat monotone is getting kind of annoying… and hell, there's no black people around here to get offended."

John patted Jared on the shoulder consolingly. "That's okay. I'll be offended for you."

Tears sprouted from Jared's eyes. "Really?"

"Yeah man, I will."

Jared hugged John and sobbed. "I... I love you man!"

John pushed Jared back to arm's length. "Okay, but you're not getting my rolls." He nabbed two small rolls from the basket on the table, Forced a pair of forks from the lunch line, then stabbed them into the rolls. He then did that famous dancing boots scene that most people think was done first by the Simpsons.

Jared watched for a moment, then turned his attention to Rei. "Hey Rei, there's some important things I've been meaning to tell you."

Rei might have been paying attention. She might have waved him to go ahead, or maybe she just wiped her mouth with extra flourish. Her eyes may have flickered to John for a second, but with someone so subtle, it's hard to tell, all right! Now quit badgering me!

Jared continued. "The Truth, you understand."

John dropped the rolls in shock. "What?! What is this Truth you speak of Waddell?!"

"You were born in a tank several hundred floors below us. You're a clone of Shinji's mom."

"Don't tell her that!" John shouted.

"And the world is made of cheese."

"Be quiet, you!"

"It's not round, either! It's shaped like a burrito!"

"Don't listen to him!" John grabbed a nearby baguette and attacked Jared. The goons crashed to the floor.

For a moment, Rei could not see them, but could hear the struggle below. Then John's head and shoulders popped up. Fury written across his face. He raised the bread like a knife and stabbed down at Jared.

A spurt of red liquid flew into the air. A twisted grin spreading across his face, John repeated the violent, two-handed stabbing motion several more times, a geyser of red spraying into the air with every stab.

Now, most of the NERV employees try to ignore what the goons do pretty much all of the time, but not all of them have been exposed to the goons for long enough. A few stared, growing more concerned when Rei dipped one finger into a puddle of the crimson liquid, and tasted it.

"Not bad." She stood up and leaned over so she could see what the goons were up to.

Jared was on his back, holding a bowl of marinara sauce over his chest. Most of the sauce covered his clothes, the floor, and the bread that John still held. "Are you done?"

John stared at the baguette. "I, uh… do it."

"Or something." Jared smirked. "You want a ride?"

John jumped off the other Goon as if he were sitting on a frying pan, but helped Jared to his feet. The bread and a bowl of marinara sauce were set aside, and the goons seated themselves at Rei's table again.

"So, Rei, how's life?" Jared asked.

"It is all right."

"Now that I've guided you into a more casual subject with Ninja conversation skills, how far have you gone?"

"Gone where?"

"You know, first base... second base? How far have you gone?"

Rei considered the question carefully. "I do not play baseball."

"Really? What about our day of fun?"

Rei watched him for a moment, then subtly changed the subject. "who are you?"

Jared sighed. "I'm a Goon. What else is there to know?"

"I want to know."

"Er...stuff. Look, I'm just not all that great at putting this into a story or something."

Several people nearby coughed into their hands, sounding suspiciously like a certain word...

"Tell me what you know." Rei asked.

John followed the conversation as one would a tennis ball at Wimbledon.

"I don't want to. There's nothing about me you could possibly want to know."

"Can i not be the judge of that?"

"...Look, you're fourteen-er, eight... seven? Zero? Heck, you're a clone, why do you care?"

"I just want to know who you are."

Jared grabbed his head. "AAAAAARRRRGGGG!"

John grew tired of the exchange, stood, and left.

"Why do you care? What are you getting at?!"

"You are perverted and violent. Your character will explain why."

"This is crazy. You've been hanging around John too much."

"And you are avoiding my question."

"You don't even have the literary capacity to understand that question!" He looked around for John, missing the small frown Rei directed at him. "Where'd he go?"


Back at the apartment. Seventh floor, right past the wards and straight on until your mind crawls out of your skull and runs away screaming. Inside, Jared and Andy had gathered John, the Laz-E-Boy, and some rope. Beethoven's 9th played softly through the Stereo System From HELL while Jared finished tying John to The Chair.

"Okay, I've got him strapped down. You got the anime?"

Andy read rapidly off the video cases stacked in one arm. "Ruroni Kenshin OAV, Technolyze, Getter Robo: Armageddon, I Wish You Were Here, Fist of the North Star, Spriggan… what?"

"No, no, maybe, nope, over my dead body, and no."

Andy glanced at the stack again. "Love Hina?"

Jared shrugged. "Should work out okay. Gimmie a few episodes of Getter Robo and hand me that A-ko tape."

"Here's some Goldenboy we have left over from last time."

"Excellent. Let's get started."


Much later, John sipped on a glass of milk. After finishing half of the glass, he began speaking slowly, with a terrible fake British accent. "Well, after we took out the bank robbers and crazy-girl was locked up, we used their mecha to defend the earth against alien invaders. Everything got blown up anyway. Then I had to take my college entrance exams. Surprisingly, I failed them, but I had a giant mecha, so I couldn't complain. And after that I went on the road in search of knowledge!"

Jared and Andy politely applauded. Jared added, "That was great! We should write that combination down."

Andy nodded, then frowned. "I still say we should have added some Fist of the North Star."

Jared pulled out a crowbar. "Well, time to make this sound plausible!"


John woke slowly, and rubbed gently at the bump on his head. Opening his eyes, he spied Andy offering up a light sabre and Neurolizer.

Jared walked into the room and dropped John's spare glasses and Mini-MAGI on his lap. "Welcome back, dude."

John sat up, putting on his glasses. Andy drifted to the kitchen, allowing John to take in the room without random screaming interrupting him. To his right stood the 110" television, the 25,000-watt military-grade stereo system wrapped in British-made Cobham C-6 armor, and the floor-to-ceiling THX certified speakers that already moved tectonic plates. Their modest coffee table filled with video gaming equipment was dwarfed by the massive TV. Down the wall from the TV towards the balcony door, a reproduction "Alien" skull was mounted on the wall, then framed pictures of a wrecked train, several smoldering craters, and Asuka in a revealing two-piece. In the corner stood a tasteful floor lamp. Then there were the new sliding glass doors to the repaired balcony, framed by armored metal shutters. Next came another tasteful floor lamp, the ten centimeter tall man-eating plant in an appropriately small cage, and a Bruce Lee mosaic portrait poster made of combat photos showing Evas battling Angels. The next corner held another tasteful floor lamp. The back wall sported a built-in bookshelf featuring several generic university decorations, including a globe, several diplomas, and three oddly familiar bronze busts: Shiegeru Miyamoto, Bruce Lee, and John Woo.

Then John looked to the ceiling, which was a living plaster portrait of writhing bodies, some alien, some human, that actually moved, warring and loving one another, claw and teeth on skin, faces playing out a farce of a grimace and wild, painful contortions, outstretched hands reaching for your soul and threatening to drown your mind in madness. In the world of Eva, this barely rated a second glance.

John calmly sat up. "What happened?"

"The... Twelfth Angel's shadow bumped you on the head real good."

Jared moved behind the couch and read from a card. "You were out of it for a few days, mumbling this and that. The bump is still there but fading slowly."

John stood suddenly. "The Twelfth!"

"Relax dude, we defeated it."

"How?"

Andy looked at Jared.

"Yeah, I'm awesome." An irrepressible smirk accompanied the boast.

John turned to look at Jared. Andy glared harshly at the pervert.

Jared shrugged. "What? It captured me, we did the reflection on the self bit, and it exploded into bloody pieces."

Andy snorted and left for the kitchen, to start digging in the fridge.

"The Angel captured you?"

"Yes."

"And it did what?"

Jared sighed, and his vapid demeanor immediately vanished. He put the cue card in a pocket. "The Angel began to shuffle through my memories in an apparent effort to learn about my psychological state, then brainwash me. I thwarted its attempt by exerting enough willpower to kill it."

Andy remained silent, mixing ingredients in a mug.

After a moment, John spoke. "Maybe a quarter of that made sense. Go back to the Angel brainwashing you."

"The Angel called up memories of my time spent as a ninja student."

John closed his eyes. "Why."

"I believe it looked at more things, but... I felt like only a fraction of a second had passed, and as I came to, I was standing at that little quick-mart place."

"So it shuffled through…" John made a carry-on gesture.

"Everything, more or less in order, right up to the big fight. Sometimes I watched the memories and walked through them like examining the most fake movie sets ever constructed, and sometimes I relived the memories as if they were an entirely new experience. It wanted information the whole time. It began to lose control, and made threats. It didn't try to view memories of what I know about NERV's personnel. It wasn't concerned with defenses… eventually I realized I was winning the battle of wills and kind of… well, moved the Angel's consciousness into Marcus right before I killed him."

"You didn't try to question it?"

"Are we not here to kill Angels?"

"I don't know why we're here. Why would you assume we're here to kill Angels?"

Jared shook his head. "I don't know. I'm just built this way."

John stared at Jared until Andy left the kitchen and joined him on the couch. He also stared at Jared and blew on his hot chocolate. John jumped when the bigger goon spoke. "Tell him about the post-traumatic stress disorder stuff."

John's glare turned up the heat. "You were in Shinigami mode while I was out?!"

Jared shrugged. "I was inside of the Angel, reliving my memories. Wasn't much of a threat to the outside world."

"Except for the explosion of blood."

"John, I can alter the river's path but cannot turn it into wine."

John's glare faded. "I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"You should be. I have never experienced such horrors. It was a difficult thing to deal with while fighting the Angel."

Andy sipped at his hot chocolate and made a face. "Is that so hard to believe?"

"Mucha, you've lost me. Again."

Jared interrupted. "I think the memories of our lives before Evangelion are false. I'm certain my memories of ninja time were."

"First off, 'ninja time' sounds like a rap music group, or something crazy people do in bed. Don't use it again. Second off, how sure are you that your memories are false?"

"One hundred percent. I knew what happened there like the back of my hand. But… but I had never experienced it."

"You could tell the difference?"

"I think anybody could, in that situation."

John looked around the apartment. Jared made a little hand sign, and John continued. "What about Andy and I?"

"You remember me being a ninja, your memories must be fake too."

John considered that one in silence. Andy sipped his drink. Jared stood still, almost at attention. Minutes passed before John spoke again. "The obvious questions have no certain answers, but-"

"We might have done it to ourselves, and I've a strong suspicion that was the case."

"And for the time being, we do nothing about it."

"Well, you asked."

"I did. Thanks." John looked at Andy. "What have you been so quiet about?"

"I wasn't in the Twelfth, goofing off."

"Oh, thanks for keeping me alive. What else were we doing?"

"Looking after Waddell, and using the distraction to get information about the Jet Alone Mark II out of the Doctor and the Tactical Commander."

"Ingenious."

"I thought so." Andy smirked haughtily, and began to share the details with John. They moved from the couch to the table, and spent most of the night planning for how to deal with the coming robot test.


To be Continued...