Chapter 23

Levi VIII – Nothingness


"So, it's a no?"

"I'm sorry. I can't be that man for you."

Levi walks back to his quarters, feeling both light and heavy at the same time. He now understands how Sieglinde feels, to get something off his chest, something that he has been holding onto for a long time. Yet, somehow, his heart still feels heavy. The constant feeling that, despite getting it off his chest, he still feels like shit for treating her that way.

He handled that situation poorly. He should have been the more responsible one, the more mature, yet he ended up throwing a tantrum and hurting her. That is the worst part−he already hurt her emotionally, he ended up also hurting her physically.

What kind of a man is he, hurting her like that?

His feet take him into his office, and he slumps to his armchair. He throws his head back and swallows the lump in his throat. One hand fingers at his cravat and the buttons of his shirt, allowing him to breathe deeper. His other hand twitches as it dangles over the chair's armrest, the sensation of skin-to-skin contact still having its lingering effects.

The headache is back, his veins throbbing and pulsing like flames. He shuts his eyes tighter, opening and closing his fingers to avert his attention from the pain to the hand's movements. He doesn't understand why it hurts at a time like this, but it does, and he is annoyed.

Worse still, his lips hurt. All the anger and the frustration with her and everything about her, he poured into that rough kiss. He was so blind, so deep in his rage that he did not understand afterwards why he did it. It felt like a good decision then: kiss her, make her shut up, let her know through the kiss that he does like her, that he does care, that she drives him crazy, and that he doesn't want her to leave. He has so little in his life already, yet fate decides to take more and more from what little he has.

Furlan. Isabel.

Now, Signe.

He growls and wipes his mouth with his cravat. It stings, a bit swollen. Nothing compared to Signe's in the aftermath of their kiss. He left her swollen and bruising. He never should have kissed her. He never should have let the tide of his emotions drown him and do reckless things.

I'm so tired.

He removes the rest of uniform and pads to the bathroom. It is a cold night, but a quick shower to remove the coal dust and let off some steam would not hurt. He lets the cold water soak him through and through, his head bowed and his bangs plastered to the side of his face. He looks at his hands and curses himself so being so strong and cruel that he fucking hurt her.

Furious, he punches a crack through the wall and turns off the shower. He walks bare across the bedroom. The curtains are a bit askew, letting in the moonlight. He drapes a towel over his damp head as he finds new clothes, wears them, and slumps again on the bed.

The bright red silk ribbon is still there on the bedside table, untouched for days. It catches his attention, reminds him to whom it belongs, and he growls again. He stomps out of the bedroom and shuts the door behind him. He never liked sleeping on the bed anyway.

He returns to his armchair and pores over everything else that happened today. No matter how much it pisses himself, he could not remove it from his mind all the damned things she told him.

She likes him? Bloody hell, what is there to like in him? As far as he is concerned, he is always the unapproachable, unfriendly one, with a dark and crude sense of humor. No appeal in him. No redeeming qualities whatsoever. Fuck, he's not even handsome, nowhere as good-looking and tall and charming as some of the cadets and Squad Leaders. He could make a list of everything he lacks and give it to Sieglinde for her to review.

She doesn't deserve him, he knows that. The world might be dark and cruel, but there are others out there who could give her what she wants. A proper love and attention, the tender loving care that any young woman wants in her life. Almost like a prince, like one those damned cheesy fairytale stories. Sieglinde deserves so much better than a dark, brooding man like him.

Levi sighs deeply. The sharp pang in his chest returns at the thought of it. Signe, with another man who can actually make her smile. Wouldn't that be a sight to see? Wouldn't Erwin want that for his sister? See her happy with another man who really deserves the little ball of sunshine and gunpowder that she is.

Well, life is not fair. Good things happen when good people deserve them. Levi would be content to watch from afar, knowing that she can be happy with someone else. He would be content as long as she is safe from the Titans. One day, he would look back on this night and think that telling her the truth, confessing his feelings and turning her down, is the best decision he could have thought of.

Clock ticks somewhere in his office. He could go to sleep, give himself a break from all this. Besides, he has a few hours before Signe's departure. Just a few hours left. He frowns and rests his head on the desk, staring blankly at the wall. His heartbeat sounds louder in the silence of his room. Despite the shower, heat is building up inside him again. He furrows his eyebrows and tries for a sleep.

Next thing he knows, he is dreaming.

He dreams of Furlan and Isabel again, back in their little home in the Underground City. Isabel is taking care of her bird and Furlan is repairing their stolen 3DMG. Levi, as always, is watching from his chair. Someone knocks on the door. He and Furlan, alarmed for more police officers, take up their weapons−but Isabel answers the calls. Sieglinde is standing on the other side, in her lavender dress and hair ribbons. Unlike the three of them, she is visibly cleaner. Levi walks up to her and cups her face. She smiles and nuzzles into his hand.

Behind them, he hears Furlan and Isabel cheering out for them both. He feels light-hearted and wants to thank them, but when he turns around, the house is dark. There are two broken pieces lying on the floor, the blood pooling around them. Levi's breath hitches in his throat when he realizes that his friends are dead again.

Where are the Titans? Have the Titans invaded the Walls? Then he and Signe have to get out of here! He turns around for her, eyes widening as fresh blood stains her lavender dress, spreading at her stomach. Sieglinde collapses in his arms, breathing faintly, crying, dying.

Levi starts up, frantically searching the room. Moonlight spills from the window behind him, throwing his shadows long up front. He straightens himself on the chair and runs a hand over his forehead and through his hair. He is sweating and panting, his breath coming in quick, deep gasps. Just when he thought his nightmares are gone, more come back haunting him.

He checks the clock. 3:08AM.

Fuck. Oh, fuck.

Signe's scheduled to leave eight minutes ago.

He grabs the nearest trench coat and bursts out of the room, slipping his arms into the sleeves as he practically jumps down the staircase. The early morning breeze hits his face like a blast, so cold that his breath is smoking before his very eyes. He runs the distance between private headquarters to the northern gate, slowing down to a stop to gather his wits and compose himself.

He smooths his coat down and fixes his rumpled hair. He swallows the growing lump in his throat and rolls his shoulders back, chin raised, eyes hard as they always are.

He stalks behind the smaller gate and arrives just in time to see Mike saying his goodbye to Sieglinde, kissing her on the forehead. Something aches in his chest again. Not that he hates Mike for what he's done, but he wishes it could be him saying goodbye to her, kiss her on the forehead and murmur his apology for earlier.

Erwin is missing his coat. He offers a hand to his sister. Levi leans against the gate, arms folded over his chest. So the big brother lent his sister his coat. It hangs loosely over Signe's much smaller form, a little girl in her gigantic brother's clothes. Damn it. If Levi had only been ten minutes earlier, he could have offered her his, as an apology.

"Wait!" Hange's voice is loud in the darkness. "Where's Levi?"

The Captain frowns and squeezes himself to the gate, hiding from view. The area is dark enough as it is, yet he could see the nervous look in Sieglinde's face. His heart dies down a little. Does she not want to see him for the final time? Did he scare and hurt her so much that she doesn't want to see him? He hides behind the gate and hopes no one turns around to fetch him.

The Commander answers her, "We cannot wait for him to show up."

Why, thank you, Erwin.

Another series of goodbyes commences as Sieglinde climbs into the carriage. Levi watches from afar, peeking between the gate's iron grills, while she peeks from the window and waves a hand to the Commander and the two Squad Leaders. Should he show up at the last minute? At least let her know that−whatever happened between them before, whatever hurt words or disappointment he gave her−he still cares. Perhaps a nod as a farewell?

It would be easy. Step out and stand where she could see him. Just nod or wave. A smile, perhaps? He doesn't really smile but he regretted not smiling once before when his friends died. And Signe has always been particular about making him smile. This could be the best time to do so.

As always, she senses his presence. She senses whenever someone has their eyes on her. It never fails to amaze him, how sharp she could be even in the most casual situations. She tears her eyes away from her friends and looks up, right where he is standing unseen.

Levi sighs and softens, holding her gaze. He expects her to stare back at him, but she barely glances at him. As if he is a stranger not worth her attention. She glances and draws the curtains to him. What the fuck? Great. So they are only not in speaking terms, but also in looking terms. Fucking rad.

The carriage lurches forward. Hange is bawling and waving her arms, even long after the carriage has gone into the shadows. Levi sighs. At least the hardest part is over. He could go back to his office and get some rest, if he could. He is about to turn around and evade the others when Hange screeches.

"Ahh! Levi!" She runs over to him. "You're late! Sieg already left!"

"I know," he mumbles.

"You didn't get to say goodbye!"

"I know."

"She looked really sad−"

"I know!" Levi seethes and bristles at her. Why can't she be annoying somewhere else?

Erwin and Mike catch up to them, puzzled at the Captain's outburst. They exchange glances with each other. "Is everything all right?" asks the former.

Levi glowers at the three of them. "Everything is wonderful," he grinds out.

Mike cocks his head. "Have you been hiding out here for some time?" he asks, though Levi knows the Squad Leader is only teasing. Given his sense of scent, he must have known he was in hiding. Mike chuckles when the Captain glares at him. He opens his arms in a dismissive gesture. "Just asking."

"Is this okay, though?" Hange sounds worried. "You didn't get to say goodbye to her."

"It's fine." Levi looks down on his boots. "I already did a few hours ago."

"Is that so?" Erwin muses, but his tone is nowhere amused. Levi lifts his chin and meets the Commander's suspicious expression. Nothing gets past this group of soldiers. Erwin nods and leads Mike back to the castle grounds, while Hange idles back with Levi.

She peers down at his lowered head. "Did something bad happen?"

"Nothing that a Titan freak like you should worry yourself with."

"Did you get the chance to work things out with Sieg?"

"Maybe." He keeps staring at his boots, the dust clinging on the polished surface.

"Well, I hope you did," she drawls, careful with her words, "since there's no telling when she will be back."

"What?" He stops abruptly, sneering at her with his teeth bared. "What do you mean there is no telling? Isn't she supposed to be back sometime later? She's only supposed to train the fancy recruits up in fancy land, right?"

Erwin said those words, those very words just last night. Then it dawns to him that the Commander never mentioned a return date. The words are dry in his mouth.

"She's supposed… She's still coming back, right?"

"No one knows for sure," Hange says. The cold breeze stirs her messy brown ponytail. "She's discharged from the Scouts for an indefinite time. Only Erwin and Nile could arrange that."

"I'll wring his neck," he snaps. "She's still my squad member, my Vice Captain!"

"But she's still a soldier under his command," she answers thoughtfully.

"Tch." He kicks a rock and watches it roll over the grass of the quadrangle. Why did he never know until now? Why did he never read between the lines, knowing that Erwin Smith is capable of twisting the truth and sugarcoating lies? If he had known, he would have handled the situation earlier with more care. Now Signe is gone and there are no chances of him seeing her again and apologizing.

Damn, his lips are still tingling with the sensation of their kiss.

His last damned impression on her was his rejecting her feelings.

Hange starts walking back to headquarters. "She did promise to write us letters."

"And that should make me feel better?"

"Not really," she says with a cheerful laugh. "But it does give you something to look forward to every week."


The next morning, despite the exhaustion and extreme sleep deprivation, Levi manages to muster enough energy to work. After another shower and making himself appear decent to his young subordinates, he eats breakfast alone in the mess hall and avoids unnecessary contact with the cadets until it is time for their training again. Another expedition is scheduled three weeks from now. They have to be more prepared. More importantly, he has to adjust to the fact that Signe won't be by his side this time.

He meets the cadets in the quadrangle. The murmuring and the gossiping die down as they automatically line up before the Captain. He is pleased. These brats learned how to behave themselves when the situation calls for it. This is one of those situations. He narrows his eyes at their faces, assessing those who look timid and shy and those who are fierce enough to look back at him.

Sieglinde would be much better in scrutinizing the cadets. Yet he pushes the though aside as the sunlight spills down on them in golden shafts.

"You are all going to have some sort of test today," Captain Levi announces, crossing his arms. "In preparation for the upcoming expedition, you must all be more responsive to your surroundings. Group yourselves with five members; each will take turns and have one member defend from four others. The goal is to defend yourself from multiple attackers while searching for an escape route. No showing off. Focus on your enemies and respond accordingly to the threats. Now, go."

At once, the brats find group members and start sparring with each other. It is a good exercise to start the day, have those young bones stretched so early in the morning. A yawn grows in him, and he swallows it back down as a female recruit approaches him.

"Good morning, Captain," she says, meek.

"Yeah."

"Um, I was wondering if Instructor Sieglinde is all right."

Levi fights back a sneer and settles for a hard look. He glances at the recruit−the winner from last week's so-called competition. Signe had praised this one for her efforts, and actually recommended her to the Captain. "She's fine," he tells the recruit, evasive of the topic. "Still indisposed."

Petra nods and clasps her hands together. "I'm quite worried since she hasn't shown herself much ever since the last expedition. I hope she's doing okay. The others are worried as well."

Behind her, some eavesdropping cadets nod in agreement. Levi then remembers that Signe has always been familiar and friendly with the brats. Perhaps they are starting to miss one of their instructors. A shame they would be stuck with their unfriendly Captain for an 'indefinite time'.

"The instructor will be back in due time," he tells Petra and the others. "For now, I will be responsible for your combat training. Make sure you practice well, so when Signe−I mean, the Instructor−comes back, she will be pleased to know that everyone's been taking her lessons seriously."

Bull's eye.

For some reason, it motivates the recruits to work harder in their practice. Levi nods in appreciation, and Petra runs back to her own group for the task. He walks around the quadrangle and studies the recruits with their movements and responses−but really, this is Signe's field and expertise. He might have been listening to her lessons but she knows far more than he does.

Two hours later, they shift from combat training to vertical-maneuvering equipment training. The cadets are more than excited to be soaring through the skies, racing each other like the little brats they are. Squad Mike is disseminating the gears; Levi receives his gear from Nanaba.

Instructor Mike sends the recruits for another obstacle course around the forest. Wooden Titan cutouts with cushioned napes are dispersed throughout the area, to be operated by his squad members. He and Levi follow close behind the recruits to asses their reaction time and mental fortitude towards facing another Titans. The survivors from last expedition are only lucky from the gunpowder plot. Next time, they would have to rely on their 3DMG skills.

"Those three are copying your style," Mike says as their glide across the forest.

"Which ones?" Levi asks, intrigued.

"Three girls. A blonde and two dark-haired. From the Fifth Squad, I think."

"Ah, those three." The Captain remembers them from yesterday. "Cadets Arendt, Himmler, and Wenzel."

"Is this all right?" Mike lands on a high branch and watches the three girls take turns on decimating the Titan cutout.

One of the girls attempts the Captain's reverse-grip but ends up losing her balance with the 3DMG and flies straight to another tree.

The Squad Leader winces. "Oof, that must hurt."

Levi scoffs, landing beside the soldier. The two other girls are attending to their failed friend. "Those three idiots will get themselves killed," he says. "I told them yesterday not to focus on my technique. Children are so stubborn these days."

Mike chuckles, always the good-natured one. He crouches on the branch. "Well, they will know soon enough that your technique doesn't work on them." The girls laugh at each other and proceed to the obstacle. "As you say, they are children. They still have time to learn−like the little whirlwind."

Whirlwind. Levi cranes his neck for the clear skies. "Will she return to us?" he asks softly.

"If the Military Police Brigade will return her to us," Mike answers, catching the Captain's sudden look of disapproval. He chuckles at his reaction. "She's only there for the training, but she is effectively a member of the MP throughout her stay. Either Nile doesn't spare her or Erwin asks for her return, that will be decided between the two Commanders."

"So what should be my comfort that Signe will indeed return?"

"Her behavior," Mike says, very easily. There is a glint of mischief in his eyes. "If she so much as shows bad behavior and breaks someone's finger, the MPs certainly would not want her around. They'd return her to the Scouts as soon as possible."

Levi allows himself a little amused smirk. "Does that happen often?"

The Squad Leader glances at him and grins. "The breaking of fingers episode? Oh, for sure. She hates it when people get up close and personal without her consent. All the unwanted physical nearness. She's friendly and affectionate, but when someone crosses the line? Oof. Broken finger. Erwin receives the complaints with a hard face."

"You seem to know a lot about those two," Levi observes. He hopes he doesn't sound too curious, prying the older Squad Leader for gossips. They should be watching over the brats, but this is better, just perched on the trees and watching them fly past their branch.

"I was with Erwin and Nile in the Training Corps," Mike says. "Throughout the three years, we are allowed to go home and have vacations. We three get to meet each other's families and suchlike. I met Erwin's family a few months into the training. Sieg was a little girl back then, ten years old I think. Already such a whirlwind, hounding Erwin and me for stories. It's not hard to like her." He smiles at the fond memory. "When she enlisted in the Training Corps after we graduated, we get to see more of each other around town."

"It's been years since then," Levi murmurs. Years compared to his few months in the Scouts.

"Yeah, well, it's nice to have more people around." Mike stands up as the last group of cadets finish the first part of their obstacle course. Gelgar and Nanaba wave their hands over to him. "Erwin and I are not getting any younger, so it's up to you, Sieg, and the rest to handle the Scouts when we're gone."

"Let's hope that doesn't happen so soon."

"Yes." Mike launches his hooks across the forest. "Let's hope."


At night, Levi files all the reports for the day. He organizes the files depending on their Squads, but then he notices that one particular cadet name is missing from one particular squad. He walks away from the bookshelf and pores over the papers left in his desk and drawers. Cadet Mendel Fuchs from the Fourth Squad. Levi sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose. He needs that report now, but he doesn't want to ask Fuchs's Squad Leader about it.

Swallowing his annoyance, he trudges down the hallway and knocks on that freak's door. "Hey!"

"Come in!" There is a sudden shuffle of things inside.

"Shitty Glasses−" Levi opens the door to see the mess of papers and books everywhere. He wrinkles his nose and sidesteps the mess. "And your shitty room."

"Oh! Levi! What a surprise!" Hange carries a stack of paperwork from her desk to another table, attempting to clear up the mess gathered there. She swipes at the desk and grins at him. "Can I help you?"

"I need Fuchs's report." He holds out his hand. "Where is it?"

"Mendel Fuchs?" She blinks and hums, tapping her chin. "Oh, yes, I remember now! I gave him leave to go home for the day." The Captain's frown darkens and she laughs it off. "He received a letter just now that his mother is sick. He lives in Trost, so I allowed him to go home for now. He should be back tomorrow."

"I see." He sighs. He supposes normal people do have families to take care of. A mother, more so, should be taken good care of. If Fuchs cannot submit his report tonight, then Levi would have to adjust his schedule for the little brat. Just this once, he reminds himself.

Hange sits on her armchair and laces her fingers together. "So, have you had the chance to work things out with Sieg before she left?" The Captain starts up, glaring at once. She shakes her head at him. "Come on, Levi. How long does this have to go on and on? She likes you, you like her. We put those two important variables together but there still seems to be a problem."

"Why are you so choked up about this?" he snarls. He places both hands flat on the table and gets close to her face. Get his point across her thick skull. "You're always going on about this shit. You don't need to know anything about my love life, because it's none of your fucking business. And secondly, I doubt that you even know what you're talking about. If you want pry, how about I do the same thing to you?"

"Do the same thing?" She blinks, uncomprehending. Clearly, she doesn't see him as a threat.

"You…" Levi drawls, unsure what to mock her with. He knows nothing about this four-eyed, annoying brat for him to tease her. He opens his mouth, then frowns. "Well, you− You're… Do you even like someone?"

Hange snickers, holding back her laughter, but then collapses in a wail of laughter and pounds on the desk.

The Captain glowers and smacks her on the head. "Four Eyes!"

"S-Sorry!" She shoves a fist to her mouth to keep her laughter. Tears well in the corner of her eyes. "You look so… You look so…"

She takes one look at the Captain's annoyed, dumbfounded face and throws her head back, laughing more. She legs kick wildly under her desk, the chair upturning over her back. She falls over the floor with a loud thud.

"Serves you right," Levi retorts. "What the hell are you laughing about?"

"You look so funny!" She clutches her stomach as she laughs, still upside down her chair. "Ahh… You always look so serious, so when you make dumb faces like that, it's so funny!"

What the hell.

"Forget I ever asked." Levi stomps across the room, kicking papers on his way out. He couldn't believe he made a fool of himself because his curiosity got the better of him. He can already see this occurrence to be discussed at meal times. What the hell indeed.

"Wait!" Hange's head pokes from behind her chair. She gets to her feet and arranges her shirt. "Oh! I remembered about a new Titan-capturing plan I thought of!"

"You're kidding me," he states, tone dry as bone.

"No, of course not! There's a new plan I devised."

"Then write it in a report and submit it to me. Geez."

"Yeah, but I was wondering about the materials."

"Materials?" He arcs a slender dark eyebrow at her.

"Do you think Sieg left some materials we can work with?"

Levi feels the sudden rush of possessiveness. "Don't you dare rummage through her workshop, without my permission. That place must be untouched by anyone but me. If you want your materials, make a request to the Industrial folks up north." He opens the door and pauses by the threshold. "And clean the hell your room, Four Eyes. It's a complete clusterfuck around here."

The next few weeks are him trying to adjust to his heavier workload. Paperwork here. Reports there. Cadet evaluations. Cleaning duties all around the 13 acres of Castle Roslin. Training supervisions. Hange's shenanigans. Mike guiding the cadets. Erwin's meetings that end in the middle of the damned nights. The plan for their upcoming expedition.

Levi feels weary to the bones, often slumping to his chair and falling asleep then and there, without having to change his clothes. He would shower and change clothes in the morning, before his schedule starts. Work has never been this exhausting before, when he had Signe to accompany him during the busiest hours or the quietest nights. The hearty meals they shared turned into him eating alone in his office.

There are times, when the loneliness kicks in, he finds himself back in her workshop. Empty. Cold. Dark. He keeps everything neat and organized, knowing that one day, Signe will be back here and work once more on her blades. He lights the forge and keeps the fire small and low, enough to illuminate the room and for the warmth to comfort him in the increasingly cold nights.

His days might be lonely without Signe, but there is one thing that excites him every week.

Sieglinde sends letters to everyone in the Scouts as she promised.

Today, her first week in the Military Police has gone. Commander Nile Dok sends his first evaluation report to Commander Erwin. Along with Nile's report comes Sieglinde's handwritten letters for everyone.

Smoke fanning before his face, Levi emerges from the workshop and crosses the field again. In the distance, Hange snatches the reports from the messenger's hands. Mike is hovering nearby, eager to get his letter from the whirlwind. Hange grins upon seeing the Captain and waves him over to the lobby of their private headquarters.

"Hange, what did I tell you about reports?" Erwin says as he joins them.

"I was just excited to get our letters!" Hange separates a thick folder and gives it to the Commander. "Here, that's Nile Dok's initial report about Sieg. And the rest−" She hogs the paper bag to her chest and rummages through the envelopes. "This is all for us!" she announces, fishing out an envelope. "Ah, for Dita Ness!"

She puts it aside, to be given to Dita later. The three men circle around her, equal parts impatient and eager for the letters. She winks and takes out another envelope. For Medic Officer August Blüme. She also puts that aside. Another envelope. Fourth Squad Vice Squad Leader Moblit Berner. Again, to the side.

Levi taps his foot impatiently. Did Signe really write everyone letters? Sheesh.

"Aha!" Hange exclaims, holding up an envelope. "For our esteemed Squad Leader, Mike Zacharias!"

"Thank you." Mike receives his letter with a sniff on the envelope. Levi and Erwin turn to him and wait for his assessment. "Smells like she's in good condition. She wrote it next to a scented candle. After she showered with rosewater. A bit of herbal ointment, for her wounded hands."

"You can deduce that from the scent?" Levi asks, impressed.

"Sure. You'd be surprised how much a scent conveys a person's condition or location."

"And here's for me!" Hange tucks her letter in her pocket.

"Anything for me?" Erwin prompts, stepping closer.

"If Sieg forgets about you, then we're all doomed!" Hange cackles and passes over the envelope. The Commander smiles tenderly and presses the pale pink envelope to his chest. She keeps digging and checking into the paper bag, making a clutter on the couch and floor. Then she blinks, confused.

"What's wrong?" Mike asks.

"There's nothing for Levi."

"What?"

Levi snatches the bag from her and searches the papers. He checks everyone's names, from the remaining Squad Leaders, Mike's squad members, down to the very insignificant cadet. He glares down on the mess he made and fights the urge to scowl. He couldn't lose his cool before them. He drops the paper bag to Hange's lap and shrugs.

"Maybe the messenger lost it."

"Yes, you're right," Erwin says, consoling him. "I'll follow it up to him on the next week."

"Okay." Levi lowers his head and climbs back to his office.

To be honest, he is not so disheartened. People make mistakes all the time. It is not the messenger's fault that Signe wrote dozens and dozens of letters for everyone. At least one or two are bound to be misplaced along the way. And that's a long way from Mitras to Castle Roslin. It should be all right. Erwin will inquire about it and Levi has a few more weeks to wait. It should be fine.

But then the next week comes without a letter for him. This time, Mike manages to take first place, beating Hange, and disseminates the letters under the cold autumn sunshine.

Levi stands behind the group, arms crossed, rolling his eyes as the male cadets receive the letter intended for them and practically shove at each other. Dita and his assistants collect theirs. August appears in his white medic uniform and nods in polite greeting to the Captain. Hange and Moblit arrive together, the Squad Leader pounding on Mike's chest for beating her. Then Mike takes his and Erwin's letters aside.

When Levi steps forward, heart heavy with concealed disappointment, his heart sinks deeper.

"I'm sorry, Levi," Mike murmurs, showing him the near-empty paper bag. "No luck this time."

"Oh." He grounds his teeth and nods. "I see." He walks off, hands in his pockets. "Oh, and tell the brats to stop pissing themselves from the letter. I'll see them for combat training next."

The week after that is the last week before the expedition.

Everyone is on back on the edge. The preparation is complete. The horses and wagons are already loaded for their early departure for Shiganshina once more. Levi has a list of cadets under his direct command during the operation, and he has remembered and memorized everyone's names and faces during the past few days. He has worked thoroughly into drilling them to adjust under his command. Thirty cadets, all by himself.

Nile Dok's most recent report is something about the raid his squads would execute the same week. Levi is on the edge to know what would happen to Signe's first mission with the Police−but Erwin keeps the news to himself. Hange is once again at the forefront to disseminate the letters. Once more, Levi has nothing.

He sits on his armchair, his right ankle resting over his left thigh, foot jiggling in the air. The scented candles he has are burning on the corner of his desk. It drowns the room in the comforting scent of lavender and vanilla. His shirt is open at the front to relieve some stress and heat. Hair rumpled from an uneasy night.

Should he be concerned how much Sieglinde has been ignoring him for weeks? Does she still resent him for what he did? Does she hate him because he couldn't give her what she wants?

Eighteen days.

This is the longest Levi has gone without seeing Sieglinde since joining the Survey Corps.

Fuck. Levi licks his lips and sinks lower on his chair.

The more he thinks about it, the more he wants to take back his words and let her take the lead. Let her take him away from his fears and his hesitations. Would that really make him feel better?

Expedition again tomorrow. He stares at nothingness, seeing nothing, hearing nothing. What if I die? Then Signe would never know how much I care for her. She'd never know that I don't want to lose her like I lost everyone else. He bites the corner of his lips, drawing blood. Mother. Kenny. Furlan. Isabel. Few people I had and lost, time and time again.

The blood tastes metallic. He scowls and wipes it away with the back of his hand. If I get to live another day, I'll tell her, he promises to himself. I'll tell her everything I want to tell her. Fears be damned.

But what does he want to tell her?

That ever since he met her, all he could see is her face and her eyes? He is often lost in those eyes. A deep lavender-blue, just like her mother's cornflowers.

That she is too good for him? That, despite everything he is and everything he lacks, she is still there for him no matter what happens. She has been with him through thick and thin; through his loneliest days and most stressful nights.

That he misses her company so much? He misses seeing her smile and hearing her voice, the warmth that radiates from her, the touch of her rough hands, the feel of her very presence calm and soothing for him.

Oh, I see. Levi stares up at the ceiling. Is this love? Am I in love with her?

Yet he knows it is already too late. He turned her down and she is so faraway now.

What do I want to tell her?

He touches his lips.

That I love herand she deserves to know.

Someone knocks on his door.

"Yeah?"

"It's Erwin."

"Come in."

"Sorry for the interruption," Erwin says once he is through the door. He is down to his white shirt, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He places a document on the table. "Here's an additional cadet under your command tomorrow. I know, it's too late to add him in your squad, but can you take him with you?"

Levi checks at the paper. He purses his lips. "August Blüme?"

The Commander nods. "You have the largest squad comprised of recruits," he explains. "If there's anything, you will need at least one medical officer with you. Mike has the second largest and he already accepted his own medic. Don't worry, I already informed Blüme."

"Informed him before me, so I couldn't refuse?"

"You know me so well." Erwin smiles.

"I got him." Levi takes the paper and stashes it in his drawer.

"Thank you. And one more thing." Erwin strokes his chin, staring down at the Captain from his nose. "Have you received any letter from Signe yet?"

Levi pales and swallows. "N-No, I haven't..."

"Not even once?"

"No, Erwin."

"That's strange," the Commander murmurs to himself, still stroking his chin, his gaze faraway. It makes the other soldier hold his breath. Is there something wrong with Signe at the capital? Erwin closes his eyes for a moment and sighs. "It's impossible for her not to send you any letters, so I believe there might be something up with the deliveries."

"What do you mean?" Only he could hear the edge in his voice.

"The messenger, perhaps? Someone sabotaging her letters to you."

"Who would even do that?" Levi couldn't imagine anyone getting in between him and Signe.

"I am not sure either," Erwin sighs. "Someone from her side, most likely." He gives the Captain a soft, sympathetic look and produces an envelope from his back pocket. He slides it over the table. "Here. This is Signe's latest letter to me. Read it."

Levi flinches. A letter from Sieglinde sounds great, but he would be damned if he reads someone else's letter. He shoots his superior a rather dark look. "I'm not that desperate to read from her."

Erwin chuckles. "Don't worry. It's nothing too special. Nothing very personal either. Just read it, Levi. Give yourself a break from all the hard work. I know you've been feeling down since she left."

"I will cut you," Levi threatens, taking the envelope.

"You will find that Signe won't allow that," Erwin counters smugly, before leaving the office.

Settling back, Levi turns the pale pink envelope for a few times. Lips pursed, he takes a sniff and feels rather silly for copying Mike. His sense of smell is nowhere near the Squad Leader's extraordinary one. He finally opens the folded letter. His eyes skim through the handwriting, still clumsy from her injured hands, but better and more elegant than her report.

1st December 844

Commander Erwin Smith,

Ah! Forgive me! I was only teasing. I mean to sayBig Brother Erwin.

How are the Scouts? There are rumors floating around Mitras that you are mounting another expedition. Did you consider my advice to follow the river? If so, then I hope you (don't get to see a Bogey-Beast) and the others will find what you're looking for, second only to being safe and sound, of course! I have leftover cream cleanser for the 3DMG blades. That might be of help. Try looking for it in somewhere in my workshop. If you can't find it, ask Mike to sniff it out for you. It smells like rotten eggshe can't miss it.

And yes, if you've noticed, I am still in Mitras now. Before the raid, Commander Nile is kind enough to give me some sort of rest from training the cadets. Mitras is always very busy, so I always have a form of entertainment one way or another.

I forgot to mention in my previous letters: do you remember Erik Lussier? He came from the same batch as mine in the Training Corps. He's a Ranking Officer now, and still quite arrogant.

Give me strength not to punch this guy in the throat, if you please. He always hounds me to eat dinner or drink coffee somewhere. It's annoying. But you will be surprised how much of a behaved angel I am hereI haven't broken anyone's fingers! Tell that to Mike.

Take care for tomorrow's expedition, okay? Keep watch on your surroundings. Always be alert. Watch over Mike, Hange, and even Levi, okay? Watch over them for me.

I miss you. I miss everyone.

I hope I can get home soon.

I love you, Erwin. And everyone in the Scouts.

Be safe tomorrow.

Remember: your name is ErWIN, not ErLOSE! So get out there and win, Brother!

Signe ❤️

Captain Levi traces his fingers over the handwriting, smiling to himself at the little heart drawn after Sieglinde's name. If only he could cut her signature and the little heart out, and keep them to himself.


The morning of the expedition dawns foggy and cold. The Commanders sits atop his stallion and leads the cavalcade from Roslin to Shiganshina. All around him, the Squad Leaders share his solemn disposition. All except Hange, giddy on her saddle and excited to meet more Titans. Moblit is trying his hardest to clam her down because they haven't even left the castle grounds and she's already drooling!

Levi pats his mare on the neck. His squad of thirty recruits plus one medical officer is ready to go. He has no idea what the world outside the Walls would bring today. Extreme hell or mild hell, he would take it gladly. He would raise his sword and fight and win−just as Sieglinde wants.

He has the letter in his left breast pocket.

And when he gets back, when he gets to live another day, he'd make sure he would have no regrets.

Levi will tell her how much he loves her.


Author's Notes: Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! I hope everyone's been having a fantastic start of the new year so far! I especially don't want to miss this special day dedicated to all forms of love on the world! I decided to celebrate Valentine's Day with all of you by breaking Signe's heart... and also maybe Levi's heart in the process. Our Captain seems to be having some quarter-life crisis and commitment issues.

Also, I'm sorry for hurting y'all's feelings in the last chapter! Here's another sad chapter to compensate, but this time in Levi's POV. (LOL, just kidding, please don't fight me in the streets or something, XD)

What do you guys think about this development? Yay or nay? Should Levi confess to Signe or keep things neutral... like his original plan really is?

With this chapter, I will see everyone in the next update (whenever in the near future that may be). I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter and please don't forget to leave reviews to let me know what you think about the progress. Many, may special thanks to the following: yukidani, cullenett, Minerva Andromeda, Sugarin, Potato-Faye, bechilldarling, koodori-mayonaka-hana, AckermanDana, Cindy, badwolffor3ver, Ridethelightning26, Mel and two anonymous Guests for leaving such uplifting and wonderful reviews last chapter. I owe you guys a lot! 💖

Cheers to the weekend! 💛