J.J. had spent the last hour telling Spencer everything, while they ate dinner. As he listened, occasionally he would glaze over. He told her that there were times when what she told him felt familiar, but he just couldn't recall it in his mind. Once they finished eating and cleaned up the mess, they retired to the living room.

J.J. sat with her legs draped over Spencer's legs, his hands holding firmly to her calves, as though she would suddenly plummet from the couch.

"So, can I ask what you did after you found all this out?" she asked as she leaned back across the couch, resting her head on a pillow.

"Well, I walked for a while. I had a lot of things running through my mind and I was having trouble sorting it all out. It's weird … this whole memory thing. It feels like a joke almost, ya know?"

J.J. didn't respond. She knew it was rhetorical.

"Like how is it possible to remember my entire life and yet, I'm told I'm missing a chunk of it? It's like I woke up in an alternate dimension or something. I dunno, it's crazy –"

"It's not crazy," J.J. interrupted. "It's not crazy at all. I can't imagine how strange that would be to find out your reality isn't the reality you remember."

"I guess, I can finally understand my mom a little better. Which leads me to where I ended up. I remembered being told mom was lucid so, I went to see her. I told her what happened, and we talked it out for a while.

After I left there, I stopped by a bar to sort through my thoughts some more. I was still struggling to believe what was happening. It still didn't feel like anything was real. Like maybe I was still trapped inside my mind. I dunno," he shrugged.

"So … do you still feel like this isn't real?" she asked with a furrowed brow.

"I guess, a part of me does. I heard what you said, and it all makes sense, but honestly," he said looking at her with a pained expression on his face. "I'm scared this isn't real and when I wake up … I won't be able to get over it … losing you and the baby."

J.J. sat up quickly, her hands on his cheeks, turning him to face her. She studied his face as she ran her hand through his hair and placed it back on his cheek.

"This is very real Spencer. We aren't going anywhere. Ever," she said as she stared deep into his eyes.

"It was easier being mad at you, then admitting that I was afraid I'd gone crazy or that I was still stuck …" he trailed off and his eyes glazed over.

"Spence?" J.J. said with concern.

He was silent for a few moments before he looked at her.

"I saw it," he said with wide eyes.

"Saw what?" J.J. asked.

"I saw you and Garcia … I saw you guys find me. I saw it all happening. I was standing right nearby watching it happen with … with Foyet."

"George Foyet?" J.J. said as her eyebrows lifted in surprise.

Spencer nodded as the memory of that place shot like rapid fire through his mind.

"It was called the before."

"What was?"

"When I passed out, I woke up in this place called the before. Gideon was there. He told me that the before is where people go to wait to go back or to go forward."

"Spencer, you're losing me," J.J. said now sitting with her knees tucked under her.

"I guess it's like a place before you either come back to life … or die," he said looking at her.

"So, you had a choice?" J.J. said shocked.

"I did, I think, but Gideon said that not everyone has the same options when they get to the before. I dunno. All I know is for me, I had to sort through all the things I had been keeping locked up inside of me. All the pain and hurt. Gideon said I'd been storing it inside for so long, this head injury was my minds way of cleaning it out, if you will."

"Wow, ok, so, Gideon is obvious, but Foyet?"

"My guilt over killing others. My mind battling with itself about how I am any different from a murderer. Why it's ok that I kill," he lifted his hand to stop J.J. from speaking. "I know. I know we do what we have to to save lives. That doesn't relieve the guilt of taking someone's life and after prison … it got worse because I started to lose the remorse I used to feel. I was beginning to lose who I was and the guilt that I didn't care like I used to, was hard to deal with."

"Oh Spence," J.J. sighed. "I wish you would've told someone."

"I did what we all do," he said. "Compartmentalize. For some reason, our team is the worst at being honest when it comes to our vulnerable side. Which is amazing considering we are family and have taken bullets for each other."

J.J. let out a humorless guffaw. He was right. They never let their guards down as if admitting it would make them less of a person.

"Anyway, after the ambulance took me away, Maeve appeared. Obviously, I had to deal with the guilt of losing her. Of blaming myself for not being able to save her life. She told me …"

He stopped with his mouth opened, mid-sentence. His eyes widened again, and he slowly turned to look at J.J. who was watching him with a mixture of concern and anticipation at what he was thinking.

"We talked about you. She was happy for us. She told me I found a real rare kind of love and when I panicked, she told me there was no need to choose between us … that it was ok because we had our time and now it was your time. And then I asked her how I get back to you … J.J. I knew about us! I knew and I wanted to get home to you!" he said as tears filled his eyes.

J.J.'s lip trembled as she smiled at him. She reached out and grabbed his hands, holding them tightly in hers.

"I … I was with my mom … uh, not really my mom, the healthy part of my mom … that part of her brain that's always been missing … anyway, I saw you. You were holding my hand at the hospital and you were crying. And then I heard you say "Diana, Spencer once told me that one of the most fascinating things about your disease was that no matter how hard it tried to take you from him, in your heart you were always there. He said that he could always feel you present with him, even if you didn't seem to be mentally. He said everything would be ok because the disease could never attack your heart"," he recited rapidly.

J.J.'s jaw dropped. She remembered saying that to Diana. This out of body experience was starting to get creepy. He was seeing things that he shouldn't have been able to see and hearing things he shouldn't have been able to hear. The only way possible would be if he really was standing outside of his body watching it happen.

"And then, mom she told me that as long as I followed my heart everything would be ok. Then they were pushing my bed out of the room and I was being dragged with it. I was scared and I kept screaming for help. I ended up in this empty room with two black holes and Strauss was there. She told me I had to pick whether I wanted to live or die, and … and I ran for you. I ran as fast as I could to get home to you because I wanted you … I needed you."

J.J.'s sob caught in her throat as she threw her arms around his neck. They both clutched one another tightly, realizing how close they had truly come to losing everything. If he had been convinced to stay, this moment wouldn't be happening.

"Thank you," she cried into his neck. "Thank you, thank you."

"I love you J.J. I remember that, I remember loving you. I remember knowing that you were waiting for me and I needed to come home to you," he said as he shook in her arms.

They both cried until there was nothing left to cry out. J.J. finally wiped at her face and let out a small laugh.

"I think we've had all the revelations we can handle for one night. Why don't we get some rest," she said, as she held her hands out for him to grab.

He nodded and stood up with her help. Spencer washed up in the bathroom, while J.J. got into her pajamas. When he was finished in the bathroom, she went in to clean herself up. Once she emerged, she saw Spencer laying on his side watching her with exhaustion. She gave him a half-smile that he returned as she slid into the bed.

Their arms instantly wrapping around each other as J.J. settled her head against his bare chest. She sighed as she soaked in the moment. Her senses were on hyper alert after their evening chat. Everything needed to be engrained in her memory now. The threat of nearly losing him and realizing just how close it actually was, caused her to focus on every detail of their moments together. She was never going to take an ounce of their time together for granted. Not anymore.

(xxxxx)

A/N: Not the greatest chapter, but it needed to be addressed in order to move forward. Hope you like it – hope you are staying safe wherever you are! Thanks to all my readers and commenters – you guys are amazing! xoxo