I'm back!

What kind of author goes away for almost 2.5 years and leaves the story hanging? A terrible author, I tell you. I come bearing good news, though: this story is now finished! Yes, you read that correctly. I promised myself not to post again until the story was finished, so here I am. There are a handful of chapters left, so stay tuned for the remainder.

3/29/2020


Chapter 33: Rage and Loss

Hitsugaya ran.

He ran because it was the only thing that he could do at the moment. He hated himself for this weakness, hated himself for not being able to take a stand and defend himself, but survival was of the essence and he wasn't going to let these three bullies steal what he'd worked so hard to acquire.

People looked at him as he passed, some with pity, but some even screamed at the thugs following him to give him a good beating. They yelled encouragement to them, told them to kick him out of the district and into the wilderness where he belonged. It hurt, this hatred for someone they didn't know. It hurt just like it had hurt when he'd been a child. Now that he was alone again, there was no rumbling in his mind telling him to ignore their stupidity; no one telling him that he was fine and meant for bigger things. There was no one, period.

Hitsugaya leaped over the low, stone wall that marked the perimeter of a restaurant, intending to go behind the building and lose himself in the darkness of the trees, but his knee gave out as he landed and he crumpled to the ground. He was halfway to his feet when the thugs reached him. One punch to the jaw had him on the ground again, his eyes watering and his lip bleeding.

"For a cripple, you gave us quite a run," the smaller of the three said. "It looks like you're not going anywhere anymore."

Hitsugaya had run into these bozos by accident in the middle of the shopping district. He'd bought some vegetables and rice and, when they saw his money, they decided that they wanted it. He'd been able to outrun them for a bit, but his luck had just run out. He wouldn't be able to get up now even if he wanted to.

"What a weakling," the oldest and tallest of the three thugs said as he kicked Hitsugaya in the side. "He acts like he's a big shot, but he's just a stupid kid."

Hitsugaya rolled with the kick, but it still managed to do some damage to his already damaged side. He'd just recently left Seireitei and had managed to get to the fifteenth district before running into any trouble. He'd started the long process of rehabilitation, but he still had a long way to go.

"Aren't you going to say anything, cripple," the guy that had kicked him said. He tried to kick Hitsugaya again, but Hitsugaya blocked the kick and managed to throw the guy off balance. The blow left his hand feeling numb, but it was worth it to see the surprised look on the thug's face.

"Look at this, guys, he's got some guts," one of the others said. "Looks like he wants to fight."

Hitsugaya got to his feet. "I don't want anything," he said. "Leave me alone."

They'd attracted a crowd from the restaurant, but no one looked like they wanted to interfere. If anything, the spectators looked expectant, as if they knew something good was about to start.

"Leave you alone? We can do that, can't we guys?" the tall one asked. "Give us your bag and we'll be glad to leave you alone."

"No," Hitsugaya said.

"No?" the tall guy parroted. "Why is that? Is there something precious in that bag?"

Hitsugaya took a step back, ready to run back the way he'd come, but noticed that one of the guys had gone around behind him and now blocked his only exit. He looked at the people around them, but once they met his eyes, they looked away. He wasn't going to be getting any help from them.

"Nothing precious, but it doesn't belong to you."

"It does now," the tall guy said and rushed at Hitsugaya.

Hitsugaya tried to defend himself, but wasn't able to do any more than weakly block their blows. When they were done, he was lying on the ground, bleeding from a blow to the nose and several to his mouth. The thugs ripped the bag from his arms, rummaged through it, took what they wanted and then threw it at him. What was left of his possessions tumbled to the ground around him. Anger bubbled to the surface, but it wasn't directed at the thugs, it was directed at himself. He was weak, pathetic, and, as he picked up what they'd left him with and stuffed it back into the bag, he swore to himself that he would recover and he would not let himself be this weak ever again.

He was shoved into the cell and landed on his hands and knees. The cell keepers stopped taunting him months ago when he stopped reacting to the taunts, so now they just laughed at him as they locked the door to the cell. Hitsugaya didn't even hear them half the time. He didn't hear much of anything these days, content to live in the safety of his mind when he had the ability to do so; when the pain didn't make it impossible to separate himself from it.

He crawled to a corner of the cell and settled there, as he usually did after one of the sessions with El Doctor. They'd broken bones this time, but El Doctor had to heal him with reiatsu rather than medication. Aizen hadn't been too happy with that outcome and had become violent towards both El Doctor and Hitsugaya. The bruises on his face and arms now were courtesy of the deranged Aizen.

Hitsugaya let his mind go blank as he retreated to the space inside himself where he could get away from the cell and the torture and the helplessness that haunted him during his waking hours. In the deep corner of his mind he was safe, away from Aizen and everyone else, in a place where no one could hurt him. He liked it there. He could drift away for hours at a time and not feel anything at all. It made the endless days in Hueco Mundo if not tolerable, then at least bearable.

He was dragged out of his safe place by hands on his throat. His eyes shot open to see Aizen sneering down at him. Hitsugaya's back collided with the wall shortly before his head did. Hitsugaya dug his fingernails into Aizen's arms in an effort to break free, but the man didn't feel it.

"You're doing it on purpose, you little shit!" Aizen growled at him, spittle hitting Hitsugaya's face. "You're sabotaging my experiments. How are you doing it?"

Aizen shook him like a rag doll. Hitsugaya's vision was going black at the edges and he felt unconsciousness coming to save him from this hell. Aizen must have realized the same thing because he let go, and Hitsugaya dropped to his knees. Before he could even catch his breath, Aizen backhanded him; blood trickled down his chin from the busted lip.

"What are you doing, Hitsugaya? How are you blocking my experiments? What is it going to take to get you to stop fighting me?"

Aizen was enraged and, at that moment, so was Hitsugaya. This man had kidnapped him, imprisoned him, experimented on him, and now was blaming him for the lack of success of his experiments? Hitsugaya's fists clenched at his sides. When Aizen moved to hit him again, Hitsugaya pounced. He hit Aizen in the chest with his full weight, sending them both to the ground. The surprised look on Aizen's face was enough to spur Hitsugaya on and he used every bit of the anger that he had and turned it on Aizen. He was only able to land a few blows before Aizen got the upper hand and flipped them so that Aizen was pinning Hitsugaya to the ground.

"How dare you?" Aizen yelled in Hitsugaya's face as his hands pinned Hitsugaya's arms to the floor. "Who do you think you are, you useless excuse for a shinigami? You are nothing, do you hear me, nothing! You live and die at my mercy."

Hitsugaya kicked Aizen and managed to get the older man to loosen his hold. Hitsugaya crawled away, but didn't get far before Aizen grabbed his ankle and pulled Hitsugaya back towards him. Aizen unsheathed his sword and rested the tip at Hitsugaya's throat. Hitsugaya laughed.

"Do it, Aizen. I dare you!" Hitsugaya spat as he lay panting under Aizen. The tip of the blade at his throat felt like salvation, and he moved his head so that the blade dug a little bit into this neck. "End it right now!"

Aizen's eyes bore into Hitsugaya's and they both lay there for quite a while, before Aizen took the sword away from Hitsugaya's throat. He didn't sheath it; he held it loosely in his grip.

"Is that what you want? You want to die?"

Hitsugaya didn't respond; he kept glaring at Aizen, the dare still in his eyes.

Quicker than Hitsugaya could react, Aizen's blade came down and cut through Hitsugaya's shoulder, pinning him to the ground.

"That would be too easy for you, my friend," Aizen purred. "I'm afraid you're in for the long run."

Hitsugaya clenched his teeth against the pain as Aizen removed the sword from his shoulder.

"I think I'll leave you like this for a little bit to think about what you've done."

With that, Aizen left the cell, leaving Hitsugaya to bleed on the floor. Hitsugaya's anger turned to despair as the reality of his situation came crushing down on him once again. He was never going to get out of here. He was going to die at Aizen's feet, like the helpless child that he was.

Hitsugaya woke up with a yell.

The despair and helplessness of his dream turned to rage as his heart pounded in his chest. Adrenaline rushed through him as the power awoke within him, fueling the anger and the desire to do someone, anyone, bodily damage. He got out of bed, grabbed Hyourinmaru and, before he realized what he was doing, jumped into shunpo and left his room. He didn't have a destination in mind, but, when he came out of shunpo, was amazed to see that his subconscious still knew where to go.

He was at the old cave in the mountains of Seireitei where he'd trained to get his bankai long ago and where he had gone to get stronger after Aizen had run his sword through Hinamori's chest and almost killed her. The walls still reflected the damage he had done to them over the decades, but the scarred pieces of stone now served to remind him of what he'd become: the scarred shadow of who he had once been. He was beyond thought, beyond reason. All he felt was rage and an insuppressible desire to hurt something as much as he was hurting.

"Souten ni zase, Hyourinmaru!"

The dragon emerged and flew free for the first time in many years. The air froze around Hitsugaya and the cave rumbled with the dragon's enraged roar. Hitsugaya heard his own rage reflected in that sound, and that only served to propel him forward. Without planning, without really thinking, he let his body follow the motions it wanted to. He commanded the ice as if it were an extension of himself, as if almost six years hadn't passed since the last time he'd done this, and carved new scars into stone that had already seen so many of his battles with himself and his zanpakutou.

Hitsugaya roared with the dragon until he lost his voice, letting the rage shape his ice and slice the rock however it wanted to. Stone and pieces of ice flew around him, pelting him every now and then, but that pain was nothing to the pain that threatened to split his heart into millions of pieces; the pain of having lost himself in the effort to save himself.

When he was spent, and the rage had simmered down to where it was manageable, he dropped to his knees in the middle of the destruction he'd caused. Tears coursed down his scarred cheeks, freezing as they left his skin and hit the air. He hugged himself and sobbed, his misery echoing around the cave just as his rage had moments earlier. The sound was raw, unfiltered, and he was too tired to care what it sounded like or what he looked like, even when he felt Ukitake's reiatsu appear at the periphery of the destruction. He was having trouble catching his breath, but the sobs would not stop. His body needed the release and it was going to get it whether Hitsugaya wanted to give into it or not.

Ukitake got closer, making a lot of noise so that Hitsugaya would be aware of his approach. Before long, warm arms wrapped around Hitsugaya and pulled him towards an equally warm chest. Hitsugaya was too tired to resist and, instead, let his forehead rest against Ukitake's shoulder. Ukitake's strong arms tightened around Hitsugaya, comforting him like nothing else had in a long, long time. The comfort made him cry even more, his tears leaving dark stains on Ukitake's haori, but he didn't feel silly or self-conscious. Instead, he felt liberated.

Hitsugaya wondered if this is what it would have felt like to have a father.


Ukitake kneeled in front of Hitsugaya and wrapped his arms around the young man, pulling him close until Hitsugaya's forehead was resting against his shoulder. Hitsugaya's arms were tightly wrapped around himself, and it broke Ukitake's heart to think that this young man had probably rarely known the comfort of others, being so used to dealing with his own demons and comforting himself. The young shoulders shook with his sobs, and Ukitake just tightened his arms and let the young man cry. He said nothing, glad that Hitsugaya had not pulled away yet, resolved to be here for as long as Hitsugaya needed him to be.

He looked around the destruction in awe. The cave was covered in glittering, broken pieces of ice and stone where Hitsugaya's shikai had struck the walls relentlessly and without mercy, leaving fresh scars on the rock. The power had been incredible and, even now that the shinigami welding it was spent, it still lingered, daring anyone or anything to come up against it. As Ukitake had watched the young man wield his power, he'd thought that Hitsugaya would unleash his bankai. It hadn't happened, but probably because Hitsugaya had been so lost in his rage to think about it, not because he wasn't capable of it.

Hitsugaya's sobs were slowing and the young man unwrapped his arms and swiped at his eyes. Ukitake thought that Hitsugaya would pull away, but the young man didn't. Ukitake ran his hands in slow circles over Hitsugaya's back as the young man regained his breath and eventually stopped crying.

"You must think I'm a complete hysterical child right now," Hitsugaya said, his words muffled by Ukitake's shoulder.

Ukitake chuckled. "Not at all," he said. "I think you're a young man who needed to work through some of his anger. Though, I do have to say, most people that I know aren't capable of causing this much damage when they're working through their anger."

Hitsugaya pulled away from Ukitake and kept his head lowered, using his hair to cover his face. Ukitake took a hold of Hitsugaya's chin and lifted his head up so that they were eye to eye. Hitsugaya's eyes were red-rimmed and swollen, his face red from crying. There were a couple of fresh cuts from where pieces of stone had hit him, but nothing major.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, Toushirou," Ukitake said. "Keeping it all bottled up would have been worse, and you know it."

Hitsugaya pulled away and looked around at what he'd done. "Wow," he said after a while. "I wasn't thinking."

"Hyourinmaru is as deadly and powerful as ever," Ukitake said as he transitioned from his knees to a more comfortable sitting position. Hitsugaya did the same.

"How did you know I was here?" Hitsugaya asked as he settled beside the older man.

"I felt you release your shikai," Ukitake said. "I'm sure a lot of other people did, too. You weren't suppressing it."

"I wasn't thinking," Hitsugaya said again. "I was just angry…" he trailed off.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Ukitake prodded, not sure how Hitsugaya would react to the question.

"I was dreaming," Hitsugaya started, "about a couple of incidents that made me feel helpless and weak. I didn't want to feel that way anymore. So I came here, where I knew I could use my power and not hurt anyone."

"Did it help?" Ukitake asked.

Hitsugaya shrugged. "I don't feel like I need to go hurt someone anymore. I just feel tired… and lost."

"Lost?"

Hitsugaya didn't respond right away and Ukitake feared that the young man would clam up and stop the conversation. Hitsugaya picked up a piece of ice roughly the size of his hand and began to work it this way and that until he'd shaped it into a glittering star. Before Ukitake could compliment him on the beauty of it, Hitsugaya hurled it at the nearest wall, where it shattered. The sound made Ukitake grimace.

"That's how I feel right now, Ukitake," Hitsugaya said. "I used to be something; someone with hopes, dreams, goals, and a bright future. When I broke, I tried to keep the pieces together, but I think that I may have lost some along the way. I don't think all of them came back from Hueco Mundo."

Ukitake watched Hitsugaya carefully, watched the tension in his shoulders and in his hands, the way he played with the shards of ice, running his fingers along the sharp edges, making his fingers bleed. He reached out and grabbed the closest hand, raising it up between them so that they could both see the blood beading on the surface.

"And this, what does this do?" Ukitake said, holding the hand in front of Hitsugaya's face. Hitsugaya looked at it for a moment, confused at what Ukitake was asking. "What does hurting yourself do?"

Hitsugaya pulled his hand away and clenched it into a fist in his lap. "It reminds me that I'm alive and that this isn't just a figment of my imagination."

Ukitake didn't want to think about how bad things had gotten for the young man that he'd resorted to locking himself away in his own mind to protect himself from the horrors.

"What can we do here, in reality, to remind you of that without you having to hurt yourself?" Ukitake asked.

"This helps," Hitsugaya said and shaped another piece of ice into a sphere. He held it up for Ukitake to see "This is my way of telling myself that this is reality, not what's in my head."

"This should also help," Ukitake said, picking up the zanpakutou Hitsugaya had laid beside them. He held it out for Hitsugaya to take. "You have this now. He's not a lie or a figment of your imagination. He's real. You're real and you're alive. The pieces that were left behind, as you say, will come back with time."

Hitsugaya looked like he wasn't convinced, but that wasn't about to stop Ukitake from trying. "You're still young and still very full of potential. The fact that you have your zanpakutou and your shikai says a lot. Train, rebuild your stamina and your power and explore your potential. You still have a bright future, young man. We all see it. You're the only one that doesn't."

"I think you all need to start looking harder and see what's really here," Hitsugaya said.

"What does that mean?" Ukitake asked, confused.

"Look around you, Ukitake. Look at the walls and the scars that mar them. Look at how broken and beaten up they are. That's me." Hitsugaya got to his feet and held his hands out, pointing at the cave in general. "This is what I've become."

Ukitake got up as well. "Do you know what I see when I look at these walls? I see stone that's still standing despite decades worth of damage. I see strength and perseverance. Yes, the surface is a little worse for wear and it's chipped and pieces are missing, but the mountain still stands."

He put his hands on Hitsugaya's shoulders and forced the young man to meet his eyes. "You are still standing, Hitsugaya Toushirou. You're a little worse for wear and your surface is a little scratched and chipped, but you're still here. Despite Aizen's best efforts to destroy you, you're still alive and kicking."

Hitsugaya's eyes widened in surprise at the comparison Ukitake was making. His eyes left Ukitake's and wandered around the cave and the newly scarred surface.

"Take that anger, that rage, and channel it like you used to. Channel it to protect yourself and those that you love. I know that you can."

"You seem so convinced, Ukitake. I almost believe you."

Ukitake laughed. "I'll take almost belief to outright disbelief," he said and dropped his hands. "Why don't we get out of here? I'm sure there are several people worried sick about you."

Hitsugaya strapped Hyourinmaru to his back and the sight almost took Ukitake's breath away. He hadn't thought he'd see this ever again.

"Are you coming?" Hitsugaya asked when Ukitake didn't move.

"Yes, of course," he said and followed the young man out of the cave.

Ukitake swore to himself right then that he would do whatever it took to help Hitsugaya believe in himself once again, no matter how long it took. It would be difficult, but it would be worth it.


OK, so that was a little corny... but let's face it, Hitsugaya needed a little love. Drop me a line if you're still reading!