The Courage To Love Him
A/N: I'm speechless. I don't know what to say so many reviews and so much love. I'm with you all on this. The last chapter was very intense. My heart felt for Fitz. She promise to never hurt him like Mellie did…that was a lie. Liv is being an ass and everything else you guys called her. I will say it is because of you guys I continue to write on this platform. I get so excited while writing I want to share every moment as soon as I write it. So here we go! Let's get it.
Happy Reading!
Chapter 8
A/N: Previously….
Fitz stops her mid-sentence "I've never asked you to deny anything. All I wanted…all I wanted was a night off." "That's what being black is about Fitz…you don't get a night off." Fitz mind is spinning. He can't seem to win with Liv when she's like this. "Look Liv if feel like I'm never going to be on the right side of the war going on inside of your head because I'm not black…alright! I'm never going to be black so maybe this…" Pointing to himself "Is not what you want, maybe it just isn't going to work." Liv gives him a look of disbelief and speaks before she thinks "Maybe it's not…you're right this was a mistake." Fitz heart drops into his stomach. He feels like his world has just collapsed. It was a rhetorical question not a statement. Did she just dump him after completely embarrassing him in from of a store filled with people? Did she just Mellie him. He looks around in with total embarrassment and notices everyone has stop whatever they were doing to give them all of their attention. "You promised." He states with tear glossed eyes as he sits the basket of items on the conveyor belt at the checkout counter handing the keys to her car to her then turning and walking out of the market. Liv finally looks around and see everyone watching them as she holds her keys in her hand knowing Fitz won't be outside when she's done.
As Fitz walks outside he sees a customer who left just before him hit the remote start on his car and notices a UBER sign light up. "Excuse me sir but are you on duty?" The man turns to Fitz "Yes sir I'm always on duty need a ride somewhere?"
"Yes please I'll pay you double."
The man is more than happy to help Fitz out after what he just witnessed in the store. "No need the regular fair will do." Fitz gets inside the UBER and recites Liv's address and pays for the trip. How could she? Wow women. I guess loving someone just isn't enough. I'm done. Done dating done putting myself out there, fucking just done! To think I wanted to marry her and have children with her, build a future with her, she doesn't deserve me. I'm too good for her. Dam her family ruined her for any man. No I can't blame her parents she's a grown ass woman. She just needs to learn to think for herself. I need to get away for a while…for a long while so I can get her out of my system. What the fuck am I about to cry, fuck come on Fitz don't do this? I got to get my emotions in check. Come on Fitz don't do it, don't fucking do it. Moments later Fitz lets out a sound…a sound that can only be explained like a wounded animal. He tried with all he had to hold it inside, stop it even but he couldn't and it spill out of him as a rumble from his heart to his stomach up his throat busting through his tight lips as he tries to hold it in.
The UBER driver here's him but is unsure of what he heard. "My man, are you alright?" He inquires with a look of concern on his face knowing that the man sitting in his back seat is not just some man but a man who is broken and he could only pray that he finds a way to heal from what he would describe as a man in love. Fitz doesn't answer but instead doubles his fair on his phone app leaving a 5 star for the driver. He then exits with a nod and goes around the back of Liv's home knowing the sliding doors are not locked and retrieves Boom before jumping into his truck and leaving Liv's house for what he knew to be the final time. Fitz had given up on love. Plus no one can truly just fall out of love with someone. Can they? He needed to breath he needed to get away from California from her. So come tomorrow morning he was going to take on the job in New York personally. He would fly out first thing in the morning after dropping Boom off to his father.
Once Liv arrives home the first thing she notices is that Fitz's truck is no longer there. The feeling of remorse and loneliness overcomes her. After parking her car in the garage she goes inside and stands looking around at her beautiful lonely home and screams at the top of her lounges from the frustration she feels about her life. She sits in her dimly lit kitchen with her phone in her hand wanting to call Fitz to apologize but her stubbornness won't allow her to when the phone rings and it a private number. Thinking and hoping it may be Fitz she answer anxiously "Hi." Except it's not him
"Hey Liv did I catch you at a bad time?"
She can tell right away it's Edison "Hello Edison, I was actually on my way to bed so can whatever this is wait until tomorrow?"
"Speaking of tomorrow…" Edison says clearly ignoring Liv's question "I'm looking at a property at 6pm and could use your expertise. How bout it?"
"Ahhh sure just text me the address wait how did you get my number?"
"Don't get made but I practically stole it out of Harrison's phone. Just kidding I just asked your mother the night of your housewarming. I hope that's okay?"
Liv rolls her eyes and rubs her temple "That's fine I was just curious. See you tomorrow."
"Indeed good night Liv."
"Hmm, goodnight Edison." Liv hangs up and showers and goes to bed. Sleep wouldn't come easy but it finally showed up at about 3am after fighting with herself and the many justifications she came up with of why she was right and she and Fitz were not good for each other.
Liv decides to call her girlfriend all calling each other on the three-way until they all were on the line. She shares small portions of her break-up with them only to justify why she did what she did. The ladies decide to keep their comment light and positive because they would be on the phone all night arguing. So they all told her since they didn't know the entire story to keep her head up because they knew Liv had so many hang-ups but they all did.
The next day her meeting is yet again pushed back so she meets up with Edison at the property he wanted to look at purchasing. They walk around looking it over. Liv gives him her purposes offer and opinion on what she thinks the home is worth explaining to him to not immediately except the offer but instead put it off until tomorrow. He nods and agrees as the realtor reappears. "So how are you two doing?" The realtor asks "I like it." Edison answers "Very good and you Mrs. Davis?" The lady turns to Liv assuming the two were married "Oh…no I'm…" Liv is cut off by Edison speaking over her "Mrs. Davis has some questions…" Liv turns to look at him "But we'll get back to you tomorrow with our final answer." "Sounds good you have my card." "Yep…Thank you. Mrs. Davis?" Edison request turning and leading Liv to the exit with his hand on her shoulder furthest from him. Liv decides not to say anything or correct him as to not ruin his chances of getting this home at the rate Edison will present tomorrow instead she just follows Edison's lead.
As Edison walks Liv to her car he asks her if she's eaten dinner. "Um no, but I'll be fine I can eat when I get home." He step closer placing on hand on the hood of her car. "Please Liv let me repay you for helping out today with dinner?"
Liv thinks about it for a moment and realizes she didn't want to go home to a lonely house. She had gotten used to Fitz and Boom being there with her and now hated being alone because all she did was think about him. "Okay." Edison is surprise "Great follow me."
Once they are settled in they eat and discuss all things black. Mostly Edison does all the talking and Liv mainly listens. He speaks on all things black as if he came from the same cloth her mother came from thinking this would impress Liv. He talked about the so called black tax (having to work twice as hard to get half of what they (white people) have), he talked about the plantation (the job), and He talked about his pending promotion for partner. This was the only thing Liv commented on because she too was up for a promotion. Then he went back to complaining about all things black supposedly brought on by white America and how much more he had to do to get where he was. It was starting to irritate Liv to no end. Does he ever shut up and not talk about himself all the time? He so cocky…ugg! Hell I don't see why he is complaining he made it. Oh my god this man is nerve wrecking. Why the hell does he keep smiling like that? I really wish he would stop staring at me and licking his shiny ass li…what is that Vaseline on his lips…gross! I should have taken my ass straight home. I really hope he don't think this means I'm interested in dating him yuck? I really need to get the hell out of here and fast. If I was interested in dating someone else it damn sure would be him. God please make him stop staring at me like I'm the main course on his nasty ass menu.
Edison finally speaks after several moment of lustful bliss of staring at Liv "So Olivia I…I hope this isn't ahh too forward but I…I would really like to spend some real time with you, but…I…I gotta say now that I'm not like one of these LA guys with lots of women and that whole fast lifestyle. I like to keep it nice and simple one lady at a time." He nervously explains "I'm thinking about the future right now…so tell me what's going on with you Liv, do you have a man are you seeing someone?" Liv stares at him for a moment not sure how she should answer even though she clearly broke up with Fitz. "Umm I…well…you mean right now?" He nods with a smile "Umm no not really…no, but I'm not looking to date anyone right now either so…" "Well if you ever change your mind I'm available." Liv gives him a fake half smile but doesn't respond she instead sips her wine. They finish their meals and head their separate ways
It was finally time for Sunday dinner at her parent's home and Liv was not looking forward to it but decided to go anyway because anything beats sitting at home miserable and lonely because being alone made her ask herself the hard questions. Listening to Edison go on and on made her take a look in the mirror. Everything she hated about him Fitz was patient with her about. She now understood why he asked for a day off. He never complained only listened and encouraged her to focus on her accomplishments and successes in life but she couldn't see the trees for the forest was blocking her view. Was she too hard on Fitz? Yes. Did he deserve her going off on him? No. Why could she not stop thinking about him? Because she was wrong and she craved him, desired him, she missed him, she wanted him in every way, she belong to him, her every thought was him, and now she'd lost him and was more ashamed of that then she's ever been about their relationship but she knew she was too late because she promised him and the first chance she go she broke that promise. Now she will never again get to feel his kiss, his touch, or see his smiles, hear his laughter, his voice or have a future with him, nor children, or have half the happiness he had brought into her life. Liv was starting to feel depress and she needed to keep it together long enough to get through dinner with her family.
Once at her parent's home Liv prepares to set the table and her mother insists that she herself will take care of it and tells Liv to go get cleaned up for dinner. So Liv does as she told and head to the bathroom to wash her hands and take a moment to gather herself and the timing couldn't be more perfect because Liv felt like should would cry at any moment from the brokenness she was now feeling inside. She lost the best thing that ever happened to her. The love of her life, the man that did nothing but love her, encourage her, and tried to help her by making her live in her truth. He was her gladiator and now he was gone, because she pushed him over the cliff…the wrong cliff never telling him she loved him.
She quickly washed her face and reapplied her mascara and made her way back to the dining area. Harrison and his new girl were sitting at the table next to each other her parents were seated at each end of the table but next to her seat was an extra setting. "Why is there an extra setting are we expecting someone else?" Just as she asked the question the doorbell rang and her mother went to answer returning with none other than Edison. "I invited Edison to dinner. Edison dear you sit her next to Livvie." "Hello everyone, Hi Liv, thank you Dr. and Mrs. Pope for the invite." "No need to thank me son this is all on my wife." Eli quickly defends as everyone sits down to eat. During dinner Liv is very quiet as Eli watches her with her noticing. His heart breaks for his sweet pea because he can see something is bothering her but he also know she will only discuss it when she's good and ready. Harrison also notices but thinks Liv is still angry with him so he bids his time.
Maya and Edison are really the only two talking at the table. "Our Sunday dinners have been a tradition since our first year of marriage…right Elijah." "Right Maya it the only day I'm guaranteed a home cooked meal." Maya laughs a fake laugh to go along with Eli's serious one "So Edison I understand your father owns an insurance brokerage. That's bedrock. So your parent's…how long have they been married?" Maya inquires before Eli speaks up "Maya are you going to ask the man for his social security number too?" "It's just a question dear." Edison decides to answer finally taking a break from watching Liv from his peripheral. "Umm 45 years…they're my role models." "Oh that's wonderful. Next year we will celebrate our 34th. Dr. Pope is the adventurer and I'm how shall I say…the voice of reason. He's always saying let's try new things…and I always say…no thank you." The fake laughter continues only now Harrison and his lady joins in, but Liv still don't see anything funny and refuses to participate in the fake laughing tradition and suddenly loses her appetite after Edison forks a peace of roast from her plate even though he has more than enough on his own. So she just sits and listens as Edison continues taking sneak peaks at her every chance he gets.
After dinner is complete and the last of the dishes from the table is cleared Liv takes a moment to say something to Harrison seeing he was too afraid to talk to her so she walks up to him and hits him with a cloth napkin. "So did Candice happen to Keta?" Liv asks after hearing Harrison say the new girl's name. "The last girl I was with her name was Hanna and yes Candice happened to Hanna and Hanna happened to Keta and Keta happened to Nikki." Liv frowns "You are a man whore." Liv says turning to walk away. "Liv Candice might actually be the one check out her stats. She's fine she an optician and she have her own place. The odds are definitely in her favor." Liv looks at him "Stats?" "Stats." "Is that how you decide to have a relationship with someone?" Harrison picks up on her judgmental tone "I'm just trying to keep up with you big sis. Edison is a great move. I'm proud of you. You did good." He shares before taking the rest of the dishes into the kitchen. Liv is left somewhat confused when did she start dating Edison? Something was surely off here.
Everyone gathers in the small sitting room. She takes her time entering because all the seats are taken which means she will have to sit next to Edison. She notices he's looking at picture of her admiring her long bone strait hair. Then he speaks "Mrs. Pope you'll like this story. I convince your daughter to go out with me by suggesting she accompany me house hunting." Liv listens as she slowly sits down next to him. "I told her I needed the accountant's perspective…now what I didn't tell her was as a tax lawyer myself…I already knew the numbers. Everyone calls me the numbers man, and since your giving me the pleasure of dating your daughter if things keep going well, six months from now who knows what we'll be celebrating…right Livvie?" He sits back crossing his leg in confidence pulling her tightly next to him knowing that Liv would not deny him in front of her parents especially now that she knows her mother set this meeting up to bring them together and Olivia always follows her mother's rules and live by her mother's expectations. Eli watches Liv and sees the uncertainty in her face but before Liv could speak her mother puts on one of her performances filled with drama "Oh…Oh may…may goodness you guys are going to make me cry, I will get to plan my biggest event yet. I think I need to pop a bottle of my best wine." Everyone moans at Maya's dramatic speech and accolades.
Liv is pisses…no she's beyond pissed she has never defied her mother before but today just may be the day to start but before she could get her thoughts out Edison whisper's in her ear. "I like your hair on that picture you should let yours grow." Liv get a shiver down her spine and all the hairs on her neck, back and arms stand up. She jumps from her seat "Mother can I have a word with you please?"
"Not now dear we have guests." But Liv is not backing down "How could you…you know that I am dating Fitz?" Even though she wasn't currently she figured they didn't need to know that. "You're being very disrespectful towards my relationship."
"Oh Liv you've had your fun with the gardener. Edison is the proper man for you and you will not make him feel uncomfortable while in my home."
"Fine then I will leave." Olivia grabs her things and runs outside the front door,
Eli just shakes his head. He would have to have a talk with Maya soon. She didn't get enough the first time she pushes Liv into a relation with that arrogant boy Russell.
Edison jumps up and tells Maya he will talk to her. Harrison is seeing now that Liv is really serious about Fitz.
Liv is livid as she speed walks to her car she hears Edison calling her name. "Liv wait up. Liv please can I speak with you for a minute…please?" Liv stops and turns to him but doesn't give him much chance to speak. "Edison I'm sorry. I had no idea. Look you are a good guy, but I'm seeing someone."
Edison ignores her statement about seeing someone. "Look I know you're not dating anyone you told me yourself, if you're not ready it's alright. I will wait for you…for as long as you need. I understand no pressure" He places his hand on both of her bare shoulders causing her to take a step back because pressure her was exactly what she was feeling right now. The look on Liv's face says it all and Edison is in disbelief he thought for sure his plan would be full proof but the looks she giving him tells him different. "I can't do this." "Okay let me drive you home?" "No, I'll drive myself." Edison is somewhat frustrated "Why?"
Liv repeats "I can't do this…no matter how much my mother thinks it's what's best I just can't. You're a great guy…perfect for someone but not the guy for me. I hope you understand." She walks around to the driver side of her car when Edison throws another question still not believing his plan isn't working "Wait, was it something I said? Something I did?" Now thinking he may have come on a bit too strong, but her mother guaranteed Liv would go with the flow. "No, it's me…I'm umm just looking for something. I don't know what it is really but it's not with you." "Straight like that, without even giving us a chance?" "I'm sorry, goodbye Edison sorry my mother got your hopes up." She gets inside of her car and leaves. Everyone inside the homes was shocked except her dad of course. He knew someone else had his sweet peas heart.
Liv cries as she drives off. Tears filling her eyes as she chastises herself for making the biggest mistake ever or did she. Her internal battle was real and it was strong and conflicting. Why did dating Fitz feel so right and dating Edison feel so wrong and sometimes in reverse order? Did she mess up breaking up with Fitz or did she mess up not dating Edison. Is what she wants right or is what her mother wants for her right. She needed someone to talk to and from a black person's perspective to help her figure this out.
She drives to Lisa's because now that Lisa found love she sees things different. She's relieved to see her and Marks cars in the driveway because she needs both a male and females prospective. She drives up and goes to the door and Lisa opens it because she and Mark saw when she pulled up. "What's wrong honey? What happened?" Lisa says hugging a teary eyed Liv pulling her inside. Liv breaks down and cries with depth and heart felt emotions. Mark and Lisa both help her to the sofa. Mark sits on the ottoman while Lisa sits next to her both comforting her until she finally calms down. It takes Liv several moments to get her barring's then she begins "I messed up I really messed up." Lisa and Mark don't comment they just patiently listen. "I think I just made the biggest mistake of my life. I went against my mother's wishes and rejected a Edison who's she thinks is the perfect IBM for me. He was fine and smart but there was no fizzle…no no spark no magic and certainly no attraction."
"Livvie look don't beat yourself up you gotta listen to your gut." Lisa expresses
"Yeah but what if my gut is screwed up?"
"Your gut is fine you did a brave thing. You let your heart do the talking. Not your parents, not society not black people not…your girls. You decided for you love." Lisa continues
Mark then speaks up because he sees clear as day what's going on with Liv "So…you gonna give Fitz a call?"
She looks at Mark shaking her head defiantly "This is not about Fitz…I mean it would be if he were black but he's not that's just the reality."
"Look Liv, as a black man, I must say I was a little suspicious of the guy when I first met him but at the end of the day it's not about skin color or race it about the love connection, the vibe that's between a man and a woman." Mark explains hating to see Liv suffer any longer
"Does he make you feel loved, make you feel alive, make you laugh, he make you just forget about all the bullshit and enjoy life because that's what you had with Fitz. Baby girl I don't know when you're going to wake up and realize that." Lisa expresses as she wipes away Liv's fallen tears removing the smeared mascara from beneath her eyes.
Liv smiles a genuine smile "Thanks guys I have a lot to think about." Liv stands and they stand with her as she gives each of them a hug before heading home. Lisa and Mark's words keep running through her head. She never expected them to go to bat for Fitz. She just knew they would tell her to take her mother's advice and date Edison. It seems all roads lead to Fitz. Her road to happiness, her road to peace, her road to painful difficult devastating life changing extraordinary love all started and ended with Fitz. She needed to find him and make it right but fear and shame along with embarrassment wouldn't allow her to.
….
Since leaving the store that night Fitz has just kept himself busy. He and Stephen had spoken several times over the week but he refused to tell Stephen where he was. If Stephen didn't know he couldn't tell Abby nor would he have to lie to her. This week would have made a month if he and Liv would have lasted. He took on a million dollar project and decided to just let his team handle it. It was much too big for him. He needed to return back to LA soon because Karen and Kevin's wedding was this weekend and he couldn't miss their big day. After about three days on the job he wanting nothing more than to go to his condo he owned in New York and have a drink and sulk in his own misery which is what he did for over a week. Tomorrow he would fly home and sulk some more.
Alone with his scotch all he could think about was her as he twirled his mother's ring on his smallest finger staring at it. He again read the inscription inside which read "The Love Of My Life". After staring at it for several more minutes he places it back in its velvet box and back in his pocket. He wondered if she missed him, if she was thinking about him, it she was sorry. He concluded she wasn't because she had not called or texted or attempted to reach out to him. Maybe he was mistaken and she didn't really love him. Maybe he was blinded by his love for her or her amazing sex game. Was she using him for sex? Yeah that's it she was addicted to his sex game not him. Maybe they had sex too soon. Maybe he gave her too much Grant loving and she was just using him to get off women sometimes did this to men, right?
He really thought she was the one how else could he have fallen in love with her the moment he saw her? They had so much fun together. They made each other laugh, she learned to love his dog and she didn't do dogs, or hiking, or white men. Was he deceiving himself into believing she could love him? Maybe he should have just listened to her that day in the store and kept his mouth shut. He missed her, her touch, her scent, her soft skin, her smile, the sound of her laughter, the way she crinkles her nose when she's unsure or being silly. The way she moans when he touches her, how her eyes buck and her mouth forms a silent o-shape when his hits her g-spot just right.
Thinking about moment between the two in the short time they were together brings him solace knowing he gave his all. How the look in her eyes always broke his resolve, the way she looked at him it was as if she saw him. She saw through him. He thought she saw him. He thought she knew him. He thought they were in this together but instead she pushed him over the cliff…alone. She did not go over with him. He needed her to choose him. She didn't choose him. She didn't trust him, she didn't see him. She lied to him. They were not in this together. He was alone broken and hurt once again. She promised. She promised. She promised. She didn't keep her promise. She thinks she was above him, better than him even. Yeah she did. What was he thinking….that's just it he wasn't he instead was being led by his heart? This was it for him no more relationships. She had ruined him for any other woman and any other relationship because he was in love with her and only wanted her but he understood he couldn't have her because she didn't choose him. She never chose him.
…
The following morning when Liv arrived at work she was informed the all the partners would be meeting a 9am for the final presentation of the Hollis Doyle account. Liv had an hour to prepare. She was ready as she listened to the words Fitz had said to her. Even when he was not there he was forever present in her heart. She needed push through this before she completely breaks. At 9am on the dot everyone is in the conference room Cyrus is sitting at the left of the head seat of the table with James on the right of the head seat. The other silent partners and associates were along the side as Hollis sat at the other end of the table facing the head seat. Olivia was the last one to walk in. All eyes were on her as she walked to the head of the table taking a seat. It really surprised her that Cyrus and James even left this seat open for her, but Cyrus purposely told Liv to be the last one to enter the meeting. The room was silent as Cyrus nods to Liv and she begins.
"It is my recommendation that the Doyle group does not acquire Net worth Consolidated." She pauses "You don't want this company Hollis. I'm not going to paint a pretty picture by being creative with the numbers and I will not stand with the firm in in recommending you purchase it. I'm sorry but that's my position."
Hollis leans back in his chair tapping his fingers on the table. "This is not what I wanted to hear." He says look directly at Cyrus.
Without immediately looking at Liv Cyrus speaks "Olivia…" He turns to her "Do you think we can have a moment alone with Hollis?"
Liv nods "Sure." She grabs her binder and pen stands and goes to her office closes her door and sits in her chair. Her nerves are on edge. Her stomach is in knots. The taste of bile is in her throat. Sweat is making its way down the back of her neck. Her nerves are getting the best of her as she waits. She becomes nauseated so she reaches for her waste basket and hurls all of her breakfast from today. She quickly gets up while holding the basket under her as she makes her way to her private bathroom. She can only hope that she gets this under control before Cyrus calls for her. Finally after about 10 minutes of puking she rinses her mouth and searches her purse for gum and sits back at her desk feeling flush and waits. Moments later there's a tap at her door and Cyrus walks in.
He doesn't say anything at first because Liv almost looks like she going to be sick. "Liv are you okay?" Liv composes herself the best she can "Yes Cyrus I'm fine." She says standing. He accepts her answer "Okay well I must say that was some show you put on back there Olivia…and that's precisely what we want at this firm guts, smarts and integrity. Without your good judgment this firm would have made a big mistake. Outstanding work Olivia." She inhales a deep breath and exhales with a sigh of relief. "Thanks." Cyrus walks towards Liv "I know the votes tonight but let me be the first to congratulate you…partner." Cyrus shares shaking Liv's hand. Liv has a look of disbelief on her face "I made partner?" "You've made partner. Congratulations." "W..wow that's great." "Told you we had our eye on you, your input is invaluable to this firm and James and I are very lucky to have you." Liv is overjoyed "I appreciate that." Cyrus nods and walks out turning momentarily to congratulate her again before walking out and closing her door.
Liv is so happy and filled with excitement she grabs her phone to call Fitz and share the news, but is quickly reminded that she broke up with him. The best thing that has ever happened to her and the first person she thought to share it with was Fitz. Her moment was lost. She didn't feel the same excitement or urgency to share her news with anyone else. Not even her parents. So she kept it to herself going home after her day was over to drink a large glass of wine by herself. That large glass turned into an entire bottle leaving her drunk and asleep in her back yard crying and missing Fitz wishing he was there to share the moment.
Liv woke the next morning about 5am with a pounding headache and nausea which didn't wait for her to get inside of her home but decided to exit her body right there on her garden next to where she had fallen asleep. After what seemed like forever the nausea finally lets up, but Liv doesn't have the energy to go inside. So she sits for a while longer but when she feels the nausea making its way back she left with no choice but to make her way inside before her neighbors heard her puking her guts out. By the time she made it inside there was a trail of vomit from her patio into her bathroom. Now where in the hell will I find the energy to clean this shit up? Why did I drink the whole dam bottle? Now I'm paying for it dearly. The entire day Liv felt like shit. She called into work and Cyrus gave her to the entire week off if she needed. She was a partner and even though they may work long hours someday she pretty much made her own schedule and she did just that.
Liv was bed ridden for two days. She had to force herself to clean up her own puke not very well but good enough. She slept on her sofa because that was as far as she could go once she half cleaned her puke up. On Wednesday Liv knew she needed to put some food and water in her body so she slowly made her way to her kitchen and grabbed her 1 liter of salsa water and a box of saltines with a jar of peanut butter then dragged herself to her bedroom because her living room was ratchet and reeked of sickness including dried vomit. She sat on her foot lounge at the end of her bed and slowly fed herself and forced herself to drink. She waited for some sign of energy to show up in her body so she could at least take a PTA (pussy tits ass) wash or at least sit in the shower and let the water rinse some of the stench off of her body. This became a 3 hour affair but she got it done before making her way to her bed popping in a Tylenol for the headache and soar stomach muscle from puking and finally falling asleep. Each time she's wake she take a cracker and place peanut butter on it and make herself eat it and chase it with water adding another Tylenol every 4 hours then dose back off to sleep.
By 3am Thursday morning she was feeling better, not much but better. So the first thing she did was take a real shower with a lot of soap this time washing her hair in the process. She fixed herself some canned soup and ate all of it along with some vitamin water she normally drank when she went on her run. She hoped and prayed she did not throw it all back up. She didn't and took this opportunity to clean her house mainly the areas where she puked. She even hosed down the patio after spraying bleach all around the outside of the door. Within two hours she was done. It not as good as she normally does but good enough. Thank goodness she was a stickler for a clean house and didn't have much to clean.
Liv decided she would change her linen and clean her bathroom in her private bath as she does she stops to change the calendar to the new month and she shakes her head at how fast time can fly. She then flips the calendar back to the previous month and sees where she marked the no sex zone for Fitz so he would know that was the time he couldn't come near her. "Fuck fuck fuck. "It is officially 12 days past that time. This can't be happening. There's no way this is happening. I can't be. It has to be stress. There's no way! But I haven't had my period. Liv lifts up her shirt and presses on her belly. Then she runs to her full mirror and inspects her stomach from every angle. I look the same. Fuck but I feel like shit. Liv walks over to her night stand and retrieves her computer and begins google searching. Symptoms of pregnancy, percentage of getting pregnant when taking birth control; Can drinking wine harm a pregnancy? Chances of harming a fetus if drinking wine? What are you doing Olivia you don't even know if you're pregnant? No better time than the present to find out. Liv dresses in comfortable clothing after eating some toast and grabbing another vitamin water and drives to the pharmacy and purchases 3 EPT tests and returns home. She checks her phone and notices no one has called her except her father in the last 3 days. Wow some friends I have. She thinks to herself.
With shaky hand and bated breath Liv waits on her results after peeing in a cup and dipping all three tests then placing them on the bathroom sink. She finishes changing her bed and putting the used linen in the washer before going back and checking the results. Positive…Positive…Positive She says three times as she reads each one. The last one also read 5+ weeks. The very first night the very first time how in the hell am I going to explain this to Fitz? For the first time ever Fitz is the only person's thoughts and feelings Liv is concerned about. Not her mother, not her father, not her brother, nor her friends. Only Fitz.
She now understood that she was letting her warp way of thinking interfere with her personal relationships with others manly Fitz. She remembers hearing Edison go on and on about all things black vs white and how draining and irritating it was and how Fitz must have felt. She wore him out daily with her racial rants about the exact same thing. She allowed her mother's bias way of thinking dictate her own thinking and actions when all Fitz did was listen and try to encourage her and due to his encouragement she is now a partner. By thinking like the smart business woman she is she only saw the actual problem and not the one in her head. Now she had a real issue…telling Fitz she was pregnant but first she needed to find him.
Liv picks up her phone and dials Fitz's number and waits with a nervous energy as she paces in circles hoping he answers. The call drops. It doesn't connect to voicemail it just drops so she dials it again and the call drops that time as well. So she sends him a text. Baby I'm sorry please can you call me, It's really important that I speak with you. But a message comes back saying Message undeliverable…. Liv realizes in that moment she was blocked from calling him. She would go see him yeah that's what she would do she tells herself but then quickly realizes that she has no idea where he live nor has she ever been to his job. Holy shit Olivia you are such and idiot. You've spent all this time with this man and have never even been to his home or job. You have never even invested in knowing everything about this man that you have been dating and sleeping with. Fuck I never even asked or cared to ask. What kind of selfish person am I? How could I not ask? Why didn't I ask…cause I didn't care to. I was so focus on my wants and needs I never took time to find out his wants or his needs or where he lived. Even if he never forgives me he has to know he's about to be a father.
Liv leaps from her sitting position on the bed and runs into the living room and grabs her purse desperately searching until she found his business card. It simply had his name and title as an architect email address and phone number. She dials the number "Grant Landscaping and Bloom how may I help you?" "H...hi my name is Olivia Pope may I speak with Mr. Fitzgerald Grant please?"
"I'm sorry ma'am Mr. Grant is unavailable for the next two weeks, can I take a message?"
"Can you tell me where you all are located?"
"Which location ma'am, because we have many, New York, Washington, Philadelphia, New Orleans as well as in LA, you have to be more specific?"
Wow many is an understatement "Umm the one here in LA?" Liv says knowing Fitz has an office in the city. She gives Liv the address which is located downtown LA. "Would you like to set up and appointment?"
"No thank you but can you confirm this is still his personal number 213-555-2123?"
"I'm sorry ma'am I cannot disclosed personal information are you family I could get him a message for you?"
"Yes please it's very important that I speak with him again my name is Olivia Pope."
"Yes Ms. Pope I will pass this message along when Mr. Grant returns." Liv is disappointed but except the ladies offer. "Thank you have a nice day." "You too" the lady replies
Liv feels really stupid in this moment. She never knew Fitz had so many business locations. All her selfishness is coming front and center now. The way she treated Fitz, how she spoke to him the last time they were together. The fact that she didn't take time to become a part of his world but only focused on hers. He wanted her to meet his father and she never even given him that simple request. There entire relationship was one sided and selfish and not one time did he complain no that was all her. Liv knew she had to find him not just because of the pregnancy, but she needed to apologize and make things right for all the shit she's done to him including breaking her promise.
….
"Mr. Grant I'm sorry to bother you but a Ms. Pope is trying to contact you, she said she was family and it was important." Fitz takes the message from Lauren his secretary and crumples it up. "Thank you Lauren but as I said, I'm unavailable for the next two weeks my family has my personal number." "Yes Mr. Grant." Fitz nods and continues out the door. He was taking time for himself. He needed to get Liv out of his system but he must admit it felt good knowing she was trying to reach him. His phone alerted him of a blocked caller and message. It's been almost two weeks and now she wants to contact him. He might have been willing if she had tried sooner. He wasn't over her but he was over proving his love to her and wanted nothing to do with her. He got it. All this time he waited to hear from her to tell him she wanted him, but he now knows what she don't want. She don't want this… she don't want them. So he would deny his love and feelings for her because he didn't want her to throw away her whole life for him because that is what she would be doing if she was in a sincere relationship with him…right? He loved her too much for that. Yes he would give her what she wanted an easy out.
