There comes a point in someone's life where they've fucked up so much that it doesn't seem possible to further screw things up.

In fact, when (Y/N)'s pained groan brought Saeran—the real Saeran, not the Elixir-brainwashed one—back to the forefront of his mind, he'd been almost relieved as he sprinted away with her in his arms, thinking that at the very least, things wouldn't get worse.

But then he'd realized that he had to do something about the Elixir in her bloodstream, make sure that he got it out of her system before the damage was as irreversible to her as it had been to him...so what did he do?

I fucked everything up even more, Saeran thought to himself as he hid a knife in his boot and one in his sleeve. That's what I did.

The boy was a pro hacker, bested not even by his twin. No one in the entire Mint Eye could hold a candle to him, not when it came to raw intellect. But when Saeran glimpsed down at (Y/N)'s face, completely scrunched up in pain, every rational thought left him and he brought her to the only place he knew for certain there would be a cure: back to the Mint Eye.

Back to the hellhole that had gotten them into this mess in the first place.

Asking help from Saeyoung and V would have been better than this, the boy thought to himself as he patted himself down, making sure that he looked like a true and proper believer before exiting the medical room he'd brought (Y/N) to. For a moment, he almost turned around in hopes of seeing her delicate face one last time, before forcing himself forward to open the door.

I will only deserve to see her once I've gotten us out of this mess, Saeran resolved to himself. He'd left a laptop in that room. If he didn't return, (Y/N) should be able to hack her way into the Security Room and buy enough time to escape.

But at the moment, Saeran's objective wasn't just to escape the Mint Eye.

No, the years he'd spent here were too many and the anguish of the Elixirs too great for him to simply walk out. He'd been the Savior's right-hand man from the start, and now it was time to fix things.

It was time to use all his power to destroy the Mint Eye: by removing their leader.

Saeran kept his gaze low and his hood high as he walked down the corridor. He didn't need to see the hall to know where he was, and he didn't need the disciples' coordinates to know where they'd be gathered.

As much as he hated to admit it, the Mint Eye was more familiar to him than the back of his palm.

Which was was perhaps why he knew that his plan might be suicide. The disciples are trained to defend, not to kill, he tried to reassure himself, but he knew that all of them would do anything to get in good favor with Rika.

He stood before the doors of the Planning Hall, wondering if he would leave the room alive in chains or dead on a gurney. The more Saeran thought about it, the more realistic the latter seemed.

But if there was one thing Rika had respected him for, it was his resolve.

Nothing, not even the prospect of death, would stop him now.

Saeran pulled the small dagger he'd hidden in his sleeve, brandishing it up in an intimidating pose.

Then he pulled open the doors and started screaming.

~Timeskip~

It took the disciples less than a minute to restrain him, and another minute to get his hood off and reveal his identity.

Honestly, he was relieved that they didn't kill him on the spot, and they probably would have, if not for the fact that he'd drawn too much attention to himself to actually hurt anyone with his knife. They tore the weapon from his hands and bound his arms together, stuffing a ball of cloth in his mouth to quiet his wild screaming as they shoved him into the dungeon.

Saeran spat the cloth out of his mouth when they left, leaning back against the dungeon wall. It was grimy and gross, but acting like a psychotic monster was surprisingly tiring. The boy needed a moment to catch his breath.

His next immediate objective was to remove his bindings.

Saeran must have looked like an extortionist, trying to get the rope around his wrists to catch along the edge of one of the metal bars encaging him. Once he did, though, it was only a matter of time before the ropes gave into the wear and tear he was forcing them through as he rubbed them vigorously against the metal, almost giving up before they finally split and came undone.

The boy sighed in relief.

If he'd still been restrained when the Savior came down to meet him, his entire plan would fall apart.

And it seemed that the bindings had come off just in time.

Saeran heard the door open and a delicate pair of footsteps trail down the stairs that would lead to him.

Rika, he knew, from the sound alone.

The hacker immediately dropped to the floor, cautiously placing himself in a position close to the bars that would enable him to pull the dagger in his boot with ease if need be. He needed to look weak. Weak and pathetic and lost, just like she thought he was.

He didn't look when he heard the footsteps grow near. No, that would be giving her too much power; Saeran kept his gaze fixated on the ground in front of him, the ruined concrete where even the ground broke under the terrifying weight of the Mint Eye.

"Saeran," A voice murmured, calm as usual but far from sweet.

He ignored her.

"...I must confess, the last thing I expected today would be news of your return. What did they say you tried to do? You had a knife and were trying to attack a room full of my disciples?"

Saeran bit his lip, sensing the amusement in Rika's voice. Did she perhaps see through his plan? What if he had sacrificed himself for nothing? Did she know him that well?

Calm down, he told himself, realizing that panic would only lead to more panic. And at this point, if Rika had even the slightest intimation that something was wrong, his chance for redemption would disappear.

"Did you truly think that bringing harm to my followers was the way to go, Saeran?" Rika asked. "Were you that upset...after what you did to (Y/N)?"

Saeran tried to block Rika's voice out, suddenly realizing that it was never her weapons he succumbed to in the past. It was her words. Her sweet, saccharine words.

He had to say something, and quickly, before she could talk his mind into circles and make him doubt himself. He'd already spent the past three hours berating himself over what he'd done to (Y/N), but the wound was still raw, and as soon as Rika began picking at it the memory would open up and Saeran would be at her mercy once more.

"I didn't know where to go," Saeran blurted, his voice sounding rough and uncouth in the dungeon air after Rika had been speaking for so long.

The woman laughed. "But of course, Saeran." He could almost feel her smile growing sinister. "Because there's no place in the world for people like you. Weaklings can only hope to be happy here, at the Mint Eye. So that just leaves one question, hm?"

Rika approached the bars, just in range of Saeran but still not close enough.

"Where did you leave (Y/N)?"

Saeran kept silent, pulling his knees to his chest as if he were a baby that needed comforting.

"If you tell me where (Y/N) is, I'll let you come back to Paradise." Rika dropped to her knees, trying to get Saeran to look into her eyes.

Inside his mind, every fiber of his being began screaming with anticipation. She's off-balance! He knew that this was as good a chance as any, but still...just a little closer.

"Well?" Rika cocked her head down, moving an inch forward.

And that inch was all Saeran needed.

His hand darted out through the metal bars, grabbing the collar of her Savior's gown in a fistful, forcing her body to sway unsteadily with her head pulled close to Saeran. In one fluid motion, the boy had drawn his hidden dagger, holding it close against her neck as she watched the blade with her eyes, the bright green orbs suddenly darkening when she sensed the murderous glint in Saeran's eyes.

Her hands reacted before her mouth, clawed at his arm. It wasn't long before he could feel her digging trenches into his skin with her shaped nails, but the pain only strengthened Saeran's grip, fueling his anger alongside every memory he had of this godforsaken cult.

He held the blade to her throat, making sure she could feel the bite of the steel.

"You will regret this," She told him, her voice no longer calm and serene as it had been.

Saeran pulled the blade back, ready to end his and (Y/N)'s and everyone's frustrations with a swift swipe when he remembered (Y/N)'s last words to him.

"Stop apologizing."

Saeran paused, thinking.

When she'd told him that, Saeran wanted to argue with her. To tell her that he was apologizing because he kept fucking up and that he deserved to apologize when he kept committing such horrible sins. Each apology, he wanted to say, was a new promise to try to be better. So that one day he wouldn't have to say 'sorry' between every breath.

And then his mind wandered to the man who had betrayed him and left him with Rika in the first place: V.

The pair were lovers. If he slit Rika's throat, would he find himself apologizing to V, later? How much sadness would that bring forth?

No! Saeran thought to himself, realizing that his resolve to kill Rika was weakening. If I kill her, I free everyone at the Mint Eye from her trickery. It'll bring more happiness than pain!

But then his thoughts were of Saeyoung.

And he remembered that his brother had abandoned him and left him to Rika and V under his delusion that it would bring Saeran happiness. A decision made without ever consulting the younger, and thus a decision that ended up bringing forth years of pain.

Even though Saeyoung thought he was making the right decision.

And finally, he thought of Rika, not the woman in front of him who called herself the Savior, but the first woman who had ever loved him, who had cared for him and smiled at him and laughed with him.

"You'll regret this," Rika repeated, continuing to claw at his arm. She was desperate, eyes wild with an animal instinct to survive.

But it wasn't her words that forced Saeran to release her from his grasp.

It was the overwhelming realization that if he killed her, it would only bring about more suffering in the world. More pain. To him. To V. Maybe even to (Y/N).

And (Y/N) wanted me to stop apologizing, Saeran realized as he dropped the knife to the ground, releasing Rika from his grasp. How could I do something like this and never apologize for it?

Rika looked at him in disbelief when he slunk back down onto the ground, numb.

Saeran's plan had been perfect. So perfect, that he had actually managed to execute the whole thing properly. But so imperfect, he realized as Rika stood up and dusted herself off. Because if I killed her I would lose myself in the process.

Saeran didn't blink when Rika left, nor when she returned with a monstrous heaping of the blue liquid he'd grown acquainted with. His plan was doomed from the start, he realized right before his consciousness began to grow fuzzy.

When he'd drunk it all, only one thought remained in his mind as he lay on the cold dungeon floor, unmoving.

(Y/N).

One thought, one hope, but above all: one need.

Because if she failed as he had, the two of them truly would be entirely and wholly fucked.

Word count: 2.2k

Notes: idk why but i keep getting all these angsty jumin x reader fic ideas and that's alllll i can think about writing

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Next Update: 04/02/20

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