As promised, here is the next chapter. Thank you to those of you who left me a note. It was great to hear from you and I'm so happy that you're still reading. To those of you that read but didn't reply, I hope that you are also enjoying the story.
4/4/2020
Chapter 34 - Alternatives
By the time they got back to Hitsugaya's temporary home, the young man looked much more like himself. His reiatsu was completely under control, as if he'd never let it run wild and unbridled. Hitsugaya's posture was as stiff as ever and, even out of uniform and in night clothes, he looked very official. That was part of the issue, Ukitake mused. Hitsugaya was still an adolescent, but he he'd never really been given the chance to be one. He'd grown up too fast and too soon. Now, the adult persona that he'd worked so hard to cultivate was cracking and falling at his feet.
Ukitake had sent messages to Yamamoto, to let him know that Hitsugaya was under control, and to Matsumoto and Hinamori, to reassure them that their friend was well and was being taken care of. Ukitake had considered taking Hitsugaya to the 13th division, but decided against it. As vulnerable as Hitsugaya was at the moment, he needed privacy; he needed a safe place to let his guard down and to grieve. He wasn't going to get that in Ukitake's division, even in Ukitake's private quarters
"Are you going to say all night?" Hitsugaya asked as they entered the house.
"Do you mind?" Ukitake asked.
Hitsugaya regarded him with serious, red-rimmed and puffy eyes. Then shrugged.
"I guess not," he replied. "I'm not going to be getting much sleep anyway."
"I didn't think so," Ukitake said as he made himself comfortable on one of the chairs in the living area. "I thought you may want the company."
Hitsugaya placed Hyourinmaru at the foot of the chair opposite Ukitake and sat down. He drew his knees up to his chest and hugged them. The redness of his cheeks made the scars that cut through them that much more apparent, which was a stark contrast to the child-like posture he'd taken on the chair.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Ukitake asked.
Hitsugaya's eyes darted in his direction for a moment before moving away.
"Where do I start?" he finally said, still not looking at Ukitake.
"Wherever you want," Ukitake replied.
Silence reigned for some time, and then "I feel like a fool," Hitsugaya admitted. "I shouldn't have lost it like that. It was irresponsible and dangerous."
Ukitake smothered the urge to chuckle. Of course the young man would think of the lack of responsibility in his actions before anything else.
"Yes, it could have been dangerous, and we need to make sure that it doesn't happen again," Ukitake responded. "Having said that, you didn't hurt anyone… except maybe yourself," Ukitake added and pointed to the small cuts on Hitsugaya's face and arms. "It also seems like it was something that you needed to do."
"Hyourinmaru was gone for such a long time," Hitsugaya started. "There was a huge hole in me that nothing could fill, no matter what I did or how hard I tried to fill it." He paused to rest his chin on his knees. "Now that he's back, it felt good to connect with him again, to use the power myself, to not have it used against me."
Ukitake pondered at just what that last sentence meant. He wanted to ask, but didn't want to risk causing further upset.
"How did you know Hyourinmaru had returned," Ukitake asked instead.
Teal eyes looked his way. "I think he freed himself more than I freed him," the young man replied. "Even buried and sealed, he knew that I was in danger. Self-preservation, probably."
Ukitake chuckled at the humor that momentarily lit up Hitsugaya's face. He and his zanpakutou didn't have quite the relationship that Hitsugaya seemed to have with his, but Ukitake could imagine what it was like. What he couldn't imagine, however, is what it was like to permanently lose the connection to his zanpakutou. He'd probably lose his mind, after all of the years that they'd been together. As powerful as Hitsugaya's zanpakutou was, it was likely a good thing that Hitsugaya was so young. Hitsugaya hadn't yet had the centuries to grow and bond with Hyourinmaru. Their connection would no doubt deepen as Hitsugaya matured, and separation of any magnitude then would likely be deadly.
"What are you thinking?" Hitsugaya asked.
"I was thinking that it's a good thing you're so young," Ukitake replied before he could think about what he was saying.
Both of Hitsugaya's eyebrows climbed almost to his hairline. Instead of erupting in anger, however, the young man looked thoughtful. "How so?" he asked.
"I was just thinking about our connection to our zanpakutou and how it depends as we grow more mature and evolve," Ukitake said, watching Hitsugaya for any signs of anger or distress. "When you mentioned how empty you felt at losing Hyourinmaru, I thought about how I would feel if it happened to me. I've been alive for a very long time and have been connected to my zanpakutou most of my life. I think I would go insane if I lost that connection, that piece of me."
Ukitake paused for a moment to gather his thoughts. He wanted to get his point across without seeming insensitive or cruel.
"As young as you are, you've not had the time to fully mature with Hyourinmaru. That may have helped you deal with losing the connection to him. It may have also helped you survive the separation without losing your mind."
Hitsugaya looked thoughtful for a moment before replying. "I wouldn't say that I survived entirely in one piece," he said. "I'm here, Hyourinmaru is also here, but who is to say that we are who we used to be?"
Ukitake leaned back in his chair and studied the young face in front of him. A face that looked decades older than it had a right to look.
"I wouldn't have expected you to survive your ordeal without some repercussions," Ukitake said. "What you went through would have broken many shinigami much older than you."
"Are you saying that it didn't break me?" Hitsugaya asked.
"Do you think you're broken?" Ukitake countered.
There was a slight hesitation before Hitsugaya said, "some."
"Some?" Ukitake echoed.
Hitsugaya dropped his feet to the ground and also leaned back in his chair, his arms crossed. A sign that Ukitake had learned meant that the young man was troubled and a bit defensive.
"Care to elaborate?" Ukitake prodded.
"You have no idea," Hitsugaya replied.
"Tell me, then," Ukitake pressed. "Give me an idea of what it was like. Tell me that you didn't do what you had to do in order to survive. Tell me."
The shocked look on the young man's face would have been comical if not for the very serious matter they were discussing. The shock gave way to neutrality as Hitsugaya tried to distance himself from the conversation.
"I started this, I guess," the young man finally said. "I should finish it."
Ukitake gave him time to gather his thoughts and sort out the jumble of emotions he was no doubt feeling. There was no rush, and this wasn't a conversation that was going to be easy for either of them. Ukitake wished that he'd thought to make them some tea. A good, hot brew would go a long way to soothe them both.
"I'm sorry that you had to see what you saw out there," Hitsugaya final said. "To say that it wasn't my most stellar moment is a massive understatement."
"I'm not sorry," Ukitake said.
"Get stuck babysitting unstable adolescents much, do you?" Hitsugaya countered.
"Is that what you think you are, an unstable adolescent?"
"Unstable, probably," Hitsugaya replied. "Adolescent, well…" he trailed off and broke eye contact. "As much as I like to pretend otherwise, yes, I am an adolescent."
Ukitake could tell that the admission was hard for the young man to make, but he was glad that Hitsugaya wasn't shying away from the topic of the conversation.
"Why do you like to pretend otherwise?" Ukitake asked.
Hitsugaya gave him a look that said really, you have to ask, but Ukitake didn't take back the question. He could guess at the myriad of reasons, but he wanted to hear them from Hitsugaya.
"I needed to be taken seriously," he finally said. "I wanted people to believe that I could be responsible for myself, for my actions, and for my division. I needed to believe it." A pause, then, "I fooled myself, but I apparently failed to fool everyone else."
Ukitake frowned at that. He expected self-recrimination from the young man, of course. Hitsugaya held himself to a ridiculously high standard that it was a wonder he excelled at all. The tone now, however, was bitter and almost sad.
"Aizen didn't come after you or Kyouraku or Unohana," Hitsugaya continued, "because he knew that he couldn't defeat you. He came after me because he knew that he could… and he did, very easily."
"From what I remember seeing that night," Ukitake countered, "you put up quite a fight."
Hitsugaya shook his head in denial. "I was a captain-level shinigami and I was easily subdued- "
"By another captain-level shinigami with a century more of experience," Ukitake interrupted. "Not to mention that he also has the Hougyoku," Ukitake added. "It was an unfair fight no matter how you look at it".
Ukitake paused for a moment to figure out how he was going to proceed. He wanted Hitsugaya to listen and understand, not to shut down and tune him out. He needed Hitsugaya to believe in what he was going to say, because Ukitake believe it.
"Aizen targeted you. The reasons for it are inconsequential," Ukitake said. "We can argue about the 'whys' and the 'hows' all night, but nothing you and I say will change the fact that you were kidnapped, tortured, and almost killed because a self-righteous bastard thought that he could. The fact that you need to focus on is that, despite Aizen's best efforts, you're not dead and you're not crazy. You're sitting here with me in one piece."
"One unstable piece, and even then, I wonder about how whole that piece is," Hitsugaya interjected, making Ukitake wonder when the young man had picked up sarcasm and wry humor. "What if what happened tonight happens again," the young man continued. "What if next time I hurt someone?"
Hitsugaya had a valid point. Ukitake had been thinking about just that since the moment they'd walked out of that cave. Looking at the agitation, fear, and guilt that scurried across Hitsugaya's face, Ukitake didn't think that it would happen again.
"Can you work something out with Hyourinmaru so that he can help snap you out of it if it happens again?"
Hitsugaya thought about it, and probably conferred with Hyourinmaru in the process, before nodding. "It's worth a try."
They fell into a comfortable silence then, each lost in their own thoughts.
"What do I do now?" Hitsugaya asked. "Yamamoto is going to come knocking on my door in the morning, and I'm pretty sure that the conversation isn't going to be a good one."
"Why do you say that?" Ukitake asked.
"He's not going to let me go anymore, is he? I'm useful to him again."
As much as Ukitake wanted to refute that statement, he couldn't. He knew Yamamoto even better than Hitsugaya did. Yamamoto would not let a powerful shinigami like Hitsugaya go to waste, that was certain. The freedom and leniency that the young man had enjoyed up to now was certain to be taken away now that Hyourinmaru had returned and Hitsugaya was able to wield him. Hitsugaya may not be ready to be a captain again, but he could be a soldier… a very powerful soldier.
"Don't bother answering the question, Ukitake, I can tell from the look on your face."
"Do you know what you're going to tell him?" Ukitake asked.
"I have until morning to figure it out, so I better start thinking."
By the time morning came, Hitsugaya was no closer to figuring out what he was going to say to Yamamoto. He had figured out one thing, though. He really didn't have much choice in the matter. He was fortunate that he'd gotten a choice in the first place. It wasn't like Yamamoto to let people make choice, at least not when it came to leaving Seireitei. Leaving was no longer an option, Hitsugaya knew that much. He would hopefully have a choice in what he could do, so that's what he focused on.
Ukitake had left a few hours ago, after making sure that Hitsugaya was not going to lose it again and go hurt some more defenseless stone. Hitsugaya cringed at the thought of what had happened. He'd been out of control, inexcusably so. He couldn't remember the last time he'd lost it like that… couldn't remember the last time he'd given in to the raging emotions and just let them out. Thinking back, he couldn't remember what had happened, not that he would admit that to anyone. One minute he'd been sleeping in his room and the next he'd been in the cave, unleashing his rage.
It had felt good to unleash Hyourinmaru. Not only that, but it had been satisfying to be able to use that power once again. He'd felt like himself again, in control and no longer at the mercy of everyone and everything around him. He could defend himself again and he was damned sure that he would do so, even if it was against Yamamoto.
Speaking of Yamamoto… the older man's reiatsu flared momentarily form outside, letting Hitsugaya know that he was there. That was unusual, as the man usually summoned people to see him. Hitsugaya had expected a summons, not a personal visit. Looking around the living area of the place that had become his home, Hitsugaya decided that he didn't want to talk to the man inside the house. The conversation was bound to be contentions and Hitsugaya did not want to be reminded of it every time he was in this room.
On his way out, Hitsugaya stopped in front of a mirror. His eyes were still red and puffy from crying and his hair was in disarray. Two new bruises had bloomed on his cheek and his face was red and splotchy in places. He was dirty and still sweaty, but he was too damn tired to make himself more presentable. Shrugging, he went outside to meet his fate.
Hitsugaya found Yamamoto by the pond, silently contemplating the fish that broke the surface every now and then. The man's back was to Hitsugaya, but he had no doubt that Yamamoto knew he was there.
"To what do I owe this visit?" Hitsugaya asked as he stopped beside Yamamoto. "You don't often make house calls."
Yamamoto didn't respond or acknowledge Hitsugaya for a good while. Mentally shrugging, Hitsugaya stood in the silence of the morning, knowing that Yamamoto would speak when he was ready to. He slowed his breathing and tightened up on his reiatsu, not wanting to let Yamamoto feel his anxiety. He'd left the sword inside, but Hitsugaya could feel Hyourinmaru's presence in the back of his mind. He basked in that calming presence, knowing that he'd get through whatever happened next.
"Rough night?" Yamamoto said, breaking the silence.
"You could say that," Hitsugaya replied. "I'm sure Ukitake gave you a report already."
"Indeed," Yamamoto replied. "Even if he hadn't, what I felt last night was more than enough to confirm that your zanpakutou has returned." Yamamoto paused and then the corner of his mouth quirked up in what could have been a half smile. "I'm sure there were a lot of frightened shinigami last night."
"I wasn't exactly thinking clearly, but I apologize for any distress I may have caused," Hitsugaya said.
Yamamoto waved the apology away. "Shinigami are best when they are on alert, even inside these walls."
The lapsed into silence again. During his previous life before the incident with Aizen, just being in Yamamoto's presence was enough to unnerve Hitsugaya. Not in a bad way, but not everyone liked being around their boss. Hitsugaya had never enjoyed feeling as if he were being judged and his actions dissected, and spending any time with Yamamoto had made him feel very insignificant. He had no doubt that Yamamoto was still judging him and dissecting his actions, but he found that he didn't care anymore. Whether or not he had Yamamoto's approval didn't seem very important right now.
"You should be aware that I can't allow you to leave Seireitei," Yamamoto said.
"I am aware of that," Hitsugaya replied.
Yamamoto's eyes met Hitsugaya's and, for a brief moment, Hitsugaya felt as if he could understand and sympathize with the hard decisions that this man must have made during his tenure as head captain. The span of Hitsugaya's life was a mere spark when compared to the span of Yamamoto's.
"You should also be aware," Yamamoto continued, "that what I felt last night was a once in a lifetime kind of occurrence. In my long tenure as a shinigami, I have never seen anyone recover from losing their connection to their zanpakutou. No one."
Hitsugaya couldn't be sure, but was that pride he heard in Yamamoto's voice?
"Your potential has been readily apparent since the moment that you entered the academy," Yamamoto continued. "You did not disappoint. The immaturity of your power and of your still maturing spirit should not be taken lightly. If anything, you've proven wise beyond your years."
Hitsugaya remained silent. He didn't know how to respond to being called immature and wise at the same time.
"You are headstrong and impulsive, traits that have led you to make hasty decisions in the past. Decisions that have cost you and those around you. However, what I see before me now is not that impulsive young man who acts before he thinks. I see a young man who had lost everything and then crawled his way ahead despite all of the odds. That is to be commended."
"Thank you," Hitsugaya finally said. "I don't feel like the same person that I was before, but I'm still young and rash and will probably make more stupid choices along the way."
"I don't doubt that, so let's start with this," Yamamoto replied. "As I said, I can't let you leave Seireitei. You are valuable to me and to the rest of us in this war that we are preparing for. I would be a fool not to utilize your power."
Hitsugaya nodded, not surprised by what he was hearing.
"I will give you latitude in this, however. You are, again, a captain-level shinigami. When I promoted you to captain, we had just lost Shiba and we couldn't afford to leave the 10th division without a captain. You wanted the job and were more than qualified to do it. I made the decision to let you have it, but not without some major reservations."
Hitsugaya wasn't sure that he wanted to hear this right now. Shiba-taichou's disappearance, and his own subsequent promotion, were still painful topics for Hitsugaya. He'd never discussed this with anyone and he didn't want to discuss it with Yamamoto now.
"Don't despair, young Hitsugaya," Yamamoto said. "My reservations were not related to how well I thought you could do the job, because I had faith that you could, and would, take on the responsibility and perform admirably. My reservations were in regards to the effect that giving you that responsibility would have on you."
"I was already an adult," Hitsugaya interjected, "taking that next step seemed like a logical progression at the time."
"You believe that, even now?"
Hitsugaya found that the answer he'd had ready, the one he'd always given, didn't ring true anymore.
"You've earned a second chance, so to speak," Yamamoto said when it became apparent that Hitsugaya was not going to respond to the question. "As long as you stay in Seireitei, and lend your power to me when needed, I will let you do whatever you choose. If you want to be captain of the 10th division again, pass the captain's exam and the position is yours. You can be a seated officer in any division that has an opening or be a non-seated officer. You don't have to be in a division if you don't want to. I am giving you the ability to choose the path you feel is best for you, not the path that you feel you are obligated to take."
Hitsugaya was speechless. This was probably the longest he'd ever heard Yamamoto speak, never mind what the man had actually said. Could it be possible?
"Take your time," Yamamoto continued. "I don't need to know your decision right away. However, I'm sure that Aizen won't wait. He will likely return to finish what he started. If he does, you'll have our full support."
"I will give this some thought," Hitsugaya replied in what he hoped was a convincing tone.
With that, Yamamoto left, leaving Hitsugaya to ponder what he would do next.
"That was very generous of you," Kyouraku said to Yamamoto after the old man finished briefing him and Ukitake on his conversation with Hitsugaya.
"I took advantage of his sense of responsibility after Shiba disappeared," Yamamoto admitted to the only two people whom he trusted enough to hear this. "I needed him to be a captain then because I knew that he could be."
"You don't need him now?" Ukitake asked.
"Aizen is our common enemy, but young Hitsugaya has a personal and more involved relationship with the traitor. He doesn't need to be a captain in order to help us defeat him."
"In other words, you don't want to trap Hitsugaya in the rules and regulations of the job," Ukitake said, realizing why Yamamoto had done what he'd done.
"Exactly," Yamamoto admitted. "When Aizen inevitably comes to finish what he started, Hitsugaya will no doubt want to finish this, too. I am giving him the latitude to do so in any way that he sees fit."
"What if Hitsugaya doesn't want to finish Aizen?" Kyouraku asked.
"What that young man has gone through is horrific," Yamamoto said. "There is no other way this can end."
The plot thickens. Yamamoto has always been a hard one for me to write, so hopefully he's not terrible in this chapter. I'm also fascinated with how Hitsugaya came to become captain, especially now that we know when it happened, if not exactly how. There are plot bunnies in my head, but who knows where they'll lead.
Thanks for reading!
