-Henry's POV Dec 21 1993 12:15 am- I was in my room, and I was wondering what was bothering Jack. I mean, he was clearly looking too annoyed or scared, or fucking something, to be dealing with anything right now, and I was worried that something must have happened to him, and I was just thinking that maybe if I told him what I was fearing, I could get him to finally open up and tell me some things that are going down.

"Hey Jack, I see that something is bothering you a bit." I said, and then I was seeing him looking at me, and I was just seeing that he was not really in the mood to be messing around with me right now. I was just trying to be helpful, and I was wanting to make him feel better. But the way that he was looking at me was clearly a sign that he was not in the mood right now.

"Honestly, I don't really want to be talking about it too much. If I talk about it, I will just be annoyed and angry at everything. I can't believe that nobody ever listens to me on anything. Nobody takes what I am saying seriously, and it just feels like I am that one annoying and random brother." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him clearly wanting to say something else. But he had no idea what to be saying now.

"If people took me more seriously, then I feel like something could be making it all better. I think that every time people ignore me, or brush me aside, the worst things are going to be around here." Jack was telling me, and I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say something else. But had no clear desire to do something like this at all. I was just looking at him, worried about him.

"What is going on that is bothering you in the first place? I mean, you are ranting about people not listening to you, or treating you fairly, and yet you are not really giving me any idea what is going on." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was feeling like he just needed to try and actually explain some of these things to me. But then he was sighing, just looking like he was needing to continue to find something to tell me now.

"The thing is that I was warning people what was going on, and that I was trying to make them know that there were issues. I was doing my best to be making people understand the issues. But nobody actually stopped to ask me why I was like this. Why I knew what I talk about. I know better than almost anybody here, and nobody gives me a second glance." He said, and then he stared at me. For the first time, I truly worried for his own sake.

"Please do not just throw away what I am doing in the future. I know what I am doing, and I want to be able to help out. But if people don't actually listen to me, or take me seriously, then nothing else will matter." After Jack said that to me, I was seeing that he was looking too serious to know what to be doing now, to continue it all going.

"I don't know what's going on anyways. Do you think that maybe something like that is more important?" I asked, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to sort of see what was happening, but I was needing to be seeing what was happening. I was needing to see if he was actually going to be telling me anything, to help me understand more.

"I just know what Gabe is doing, and I know too much. I dug deep. I looked too deeply, and I regret ever doing it. Gabe was right. This was none of my damn business, and that is something I am willing to admit. I wanted to help out. Get people to listen. But I guess that people just don't listen to reason." Jack said, and I was seeing him sort of wanting to see if I was listening at all.

"I mean, I was telling you not to be looking into this anyways..." I said, and then he was giving me death glares. I was seeing that maybe I did push him a bit on this, considering the look on his face. But then he was shaking his head, as if feeling like he did not want to deal with this right now. And almost like he was willing to admit that maybe he was wrong in his own way.

"I should have listened to you. But everybody should be listening to be. I know what I am doing, and the one time that I have an idea what the hell is happening, people just do not seem to listen to me." He was telling me, clearly looking like he was feeling like the one time that he was wanting to do good, was the one time that nobody paid him any mind. I was sort of just wanting to see what was going to be coming with this now.

"I guess that the best you can do is just not get into it yourself. I mean, if you feel like you can accomplish this, then wouldn't it all be some form of success? The idea of not knowing what is happening will keep you good." I said, and then I was feeling like Jack would finally change how he was feeling, and that maybe he was going to be taking me more seriously. Maybe even the family as a whole more seriously.

"Yeah, I guess that maybe there is some truth to this. I just feel like maybe I just have to be accepting the fact that Lydia and Seth and the others should be making their own choices. They are allowed to exercise their own freedom." After he was saying that to me, but I was feeling like I was just needing to see where this was heading now.

"But seriously, you should be happy for what you did." I said, and then I was seeing him looking right at me, and he was clearly looking like he was needing to be seeing what I was meaning. Almost as if feeling like he was just needing to sort of see where this was going on from. "You know, you actually tried to help somebody out. You should that you cared." I said, and then he was looking at me, as if sort of feeling like he needed to not argue with me.

"Honestly, I just wish that I knew what to do. I guess that complaining about this all will not be making any difference. I just thought that maybe if I went beyond, then I could get people to listen. But that is just not happening. Nobody will listen to me. People will view me as a burden, and that is all that I know." After he was saying that to me, I was feeling like I just had to listen for as long as possible with the stories.

"Don't worry about it. I won't go into this. I am not insane. Nobody who is sane would be going into this." I said, and then he was looking at me, as if feeling like he was clearly wanting to believe in me. But that maybe this was something that I needed to change my perception of. Since obviously some people did not feel the same way here.

"Maybe you're smarter than I thought. At least you have some common sense to not be basically throwing yourself into some form of suicide run. Who cares though? I am done with this, and I am going to be leaving this behind. I am done with everything, and that is the only thing that I know now." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him just wanting to say more. But that he was just feeling like there was nothing else that mattered.

"Anyways, thanks for talking with me. Thanks for just listening to me, and trying to be making this better for me." After Jack had said that, I was seeing him sort of feeling like he was coming close to being done with this. I was feeling like I just needed to be letting the subject go. I needed to be letting him sort of be going to bed. When he was laying down fully, I was seeing he was clearly done with this all.

When I was seeing that Jack was clearly done with this discussion, I was thinking about what to be doing now. I was standing up, and then I was feeling like I was needing to finally put this whole thing behind me. I was getting up to the stairs to the top floor, feeling like maybe when I was up stairs, and taking a moment, then I would be able to finally just sort of know what was happening. And I could take a moment of a break.

Once I was up the stairs, I was then just staring at the blank black sky, and I was seeing that the sky was just sort of capturing the feeling that everybody was in. In a way, it was almost symbolic. It was almost like the idea of this town was just sort of evolving from a level of uncertainty. I felt like maybe even if I did not go into this, that maybe I should be looking at what the others were wanting to say, and then I could just find a way out of this.

I was thinking that maybe I was going to just pretend like I was going to not know what was happening. I was thinking that maybe I could be able to go on and talk with one of my older siblings about this, and just see if they were willing to be telling me what the hell was bothering them so much. I was feeling like this was the one thing that I had needed more than anything. I just needed to be having a fucking goal in mind.

As I was thinking everything out, and thinking on what I was going to be doing, I knew something else in my mind. I needed to finally just understand what the heck was bothering my siblings. I was needing to know if they were finally going to be willing to just grow up, and tell me what the issue was. I was just so annoyed with the fact that everybody was acting like they were a chicken with their heads cut off and stuff. But I was sort of not caring at all.

But then again, I was just thinking that maybe I was needing to be listening to my brother Jack on this one. I mean, I did tell him not to be going into this. I did tell him that he was needing to be leaving this alone. And look at how not listening affected my siblings? I mean, even I was smart enough to be aware of how something like this was just a bit of a terrible idea, no matter how much I was wanting to admit it.

I was feeling like maybe I just needed to finally get to know him a bit more. I was feeling like once I finally got to know what was going on with Jack, and I was getting my siblings to finally talk with me, they were going to finally sort of know what to be telling me. I was feeling like I was just needing to make it all work. But before I could think on it, the door to the house was opening, and I was checking to see who it was.

I was seeing that it was Lydia who was coming home. I could tell from the way that she was looking, and the way that she was presenting herself, that she was a bit tired. That she was clearly looking like she was just wanting to go to bed, and not be dealing with any of this stuff. I did not care what was happening. I did not care what she was going to tell me. I needed to know what her issue was, and that was the only thing that I was telling myself to go into.

"Hey Lydia, how are you doing?" I asked, and then I was seeing her looking right at me, and she was clearly not in the mood to even remotely entertain this, and then I was feeling like I was needing to step behind. I was aware that if I said another word, she was going to be pissed at me, and then everything was going to be brought back to me, as if I did something horribly wrong for some fucking reason.

"I am doing alright. I do not want to talk about it though. I do not even want to be thinking about it." After Lydia was telling me this, I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like I just needed to man up, and get to know what was going on, and just force something to be told to me. I was feeling like I needed to get her to know that I was willing to be there for her.

"Seth and Jack were really angry last night. I can tell from the way that they were acting, that something was going on. That they did not even want to be thinking about it at all. I feel like you guys need to talk." I said, and then she was looking at me, as if finding what I was saying on its own to already be annoying as shit. I was feeling like she was not going to be very nice about how she was going to be going at this right now.

"Henry, what about I don't want to talk about it did you not get?" Lydia snapped at me, and I was shocked at the fact that she was telling me this, and I was seeing her looking at me, as if more than willing to challenge me if it had meant that she was going to be seeing me lay off of her. I did not know, and I did not care what was going on, people were taking this way too seriously for their own good right now.

"What is going on? Mom and dad will talk to you about this anyways." I said, and then she was looking like she was about one second away from freaking out at me. Like the very words that were coming out of my mouth were nothing more than a really annoying burden. I was not wanting to be treated like this by my own family, simple as that.

"You can't do anything. Maybe mom and dad will talk with me about this, but you are just getting in the way and you are just getting really annoying. I already told you once that I do not want to talk about it, and that you probably wouldn't get it." Lydia was saying to me, and then she was just sighing, and then I was feeling like I was needing to be saying something else to her. I was not sure why I was doing this, and what I was going to get out of it. But I did not care what was happening here.

"Everybody is worried about you and Gabe. It seems like you two have gotten something into you lately, and you do not tell anybody what is going, and you just act like this is all fine." After I was telling her this, I was seeing her looking like she was clearly on the fucking edge of what she was willing to take with me. She was walking up to me, and she was feeling like she was going to be needing to find a way to prove her point.

But I did not care. Even when I was a five year old boy, and I had no idea what the heck was going on, and I was aware that at least for now, she was still stronger than me. But I was feeling like my point was coming dangerously close to being made, and I was feeling like this was all that I had needed from her. "You are just needing to accept the fact that you need to talk with us." I said, and then I was thinking of one more thing that I can say to her to drive home my point.

"Unless if this is your way of admitting that you do not love us, and that you are no different from the people who come into our lives and then leave weeks later." I said, and then after I had said that to Lydia, that was when she was having enough, as signified with the hard slap that she had given me across my face. Then when she had done that, she was looking at me, clearly too angry at me to even care if I was going to threaten to tell anybody or not.

"Don't you dare ever compare me to those people again! I just don't think you're smart enough to understand it anyways. You're only five, and probably only know how to count to eight." Lydia said, and then I was seeing her looking like her anger was turning into something of sadness. And one of regret as well.

"If you are going to be angry at me, and hurt me, at least own up to it and not act hurt at the end of it all." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like maybe I was maybe just needing to see what the heck we were even getting ourselves into. "I mean, at least if you do that, then I can almost respect what you did. But this is nothing."

But she was looking too sad to even care, and I was feeling like maybe I had made my point on this. I was feeling like I was sort of getting my point across, and that she just needed to sort of be more open on this now. "Sorry that I hit you. It's just that you have no idea what I have been seeing. What I done wrong." After Lydia was saying that to me, she was holding her hands up, and I was looking at her in a calm manner, that was not showing what I was fearing.

"I mean, I find out that most of my older brothers are aware of this tree house in the town that a friend of mine shown me, and then I thought it would be fun to look around. That's all that I thought of it. But then I saw somebody get a bullet in her head, and now they're dead because of me." Lydia said, and then she was looking at me, as if feeling like she was needing to find something else to say to make her point.

"And now I hurt my younger brother just because he slightly annoyed me. Now I am hurting my own family." She said, and I was just keeping my composure, and I was waiting for her to finish up. I did not even care for this anymore. I was needing to just let her finish, and then I was going to be seeing where she was coming from. I was needing to see how she was going to hear where I was coming from here.

"What does it mean when you see somebody get killed? In real life. Not in the movies." I knew what death was. I've seen horror movies like Halloween. I knew damn well what dying as a concept was. But I did not know what it was like to watch somebody die, and I was feeling like maybe if I knew what it was like, I knew what I could say to make her pretend like she was able to feel better on what was happening now.

"It's the worst thing ever. You feel like you have seen the worst thing in the world." Lydia said, and then she was looking like she was wanting to say more, but then she was looking right up at me, and she was clearly looking like she was just trying to be finding something better to say. But that was the only thing she could not really understand right then and there.

"Do you think that it can change you?" I asked, and then I was starting to feel like maybe I was needing to see what Lydia was feeling right now. I was needing to see what was keeping her this way. I was just needing to finally open up, and see what the heck was going on. This was all that I had needed.

"I think that it can make a big difference. I mean, when you go around, and you feel like everything is going to be fine, then you will be fine. I just feel like I should have been more there, more ready for whatever was going on. I felt like I was finally having a chance to do something good." Lydia said, and then she was looking at me, trying to find something better to say to me to make a difference at it all.

"I mean, I thought that I was helping. I thought that this was good. But now here I am, and I realize I made a big mistake. And one that will never be able to make a change in the future." After Lydia was saying this to me, I was seeing her looking like she was truly and deeply worried about what was happening. I was feeling like I just needed to sort of see where this was even going to head in the long run.

"I am so worried about everything that I just made things worse. And now that I know what it is doing to you, I feel like I am kind of being the woman that I was fearing I would become." Lydia said, and then she was turning her back to me, and I was seeing her looking horrified at this, and I was truly wondering what the hell was even going on now here. I was feeling like I just needed to get things together now.

"You did nothing wrong. You just reacted in a way that was showing your emotions." I was saying, trying to pretend like it hurt less than it did, and then she was looking at me, and shook her head wildly, and looked like she was not going to be letting me lie to her to make her feel better. She was clearly just not going to be having any of it right now. No matter how hard I tried to make it seem like it was fine.

"Trust me, I am not that dumb. You clearly were not liking what I did, and none of you appreciate what I have been doing. I need to accept the fact that I made some big mistakes." She was saying, and then I was feeling like I just needed to tell her the truth. Something to get her to realize where I was coming from, and what I was wanting her to really realize right now. To get my point across well enough.

"I was hoping that you slapped me or something." I said, and then she was looking at me, slowly lowering her gaze while still just trying to understand if she had heard me properly. "I was hoping that if you did something like that, you showed some emotion. And I needed to just say what I was telling you. I meant every word." I said, and then she was just looking like I ruined the moment by telling her that.

"You actually think that I don't care? That I hate you all?" She was saying, and I was hearing a level of pain to her voice. I knew that once again, I made a big mistake by even opening my mouth. But it was too late to make a difference, I was too deep into this shit. I needed to just get over it, and get to the point of what I was trying to accomplish here.

"I thought that you might not. I was worried about you. But now that I hear you acting like this. And I hear your regret, I know differently." I said, and then I was looking at her, wondering what she was going to be telling me now. She was rubbing her hair, and I was seeing her looking like she had no idea what she was even wanting to tell me now.

"I guess you were just testing me?" She asked, still confused at me, and I was feeling like maybe I just needed to try and give her more. I was feeling like if she was willing to be doing this, she would be willing to actually listen to me, and she would be willing to sort of at least go on and give it all a go here. But then I shook my head, since it was not a test.

"I just don't know what everybody thinks of us. We're two of the strangest ones in the house. You being the girl, and me being the one obsessed with death and stuff." I said, feeling like maybe this discussion was making us sort of feel like we knew each other a bit better than we wanted to admit. Better than either one of us thought possible.

"Thanks for talking with me. I was wanting to know that somebody actually was caring about what I had felt." She was telling me, clearly wanting to say more. But was worried on what I would react. Scared on what I was going to be saying if I was going to go deeper, and if I was going to start to get deep into the way she was feeling, and make her open up more on that as well.

"Don't make a deal on it. We are just doing what we want." I said, and then I was feeling like I was going to be looking deeper into this, and that by doing this, I was going to try and see where she was coming from. Seeing how she was feeling was the only thing that I had felt like even mattered anymore. No matter how rough it could have been here.

"Thanks for listening to me. I was scared that you guys didn't love me anymore." After she was saying that, I nodded, feeling like maybe there was something of minor merit to this, and that I just needed to sort of see where she was coming from now. But then I was feeling like I was needing to just place it all behind me. I was hugging her after she had held out her arms.

Eventually, once we had let go of the hug, I was feeling like I was needing to be seeing what was going to happen now. I was feeling like this was all that I had ever wanted to do. I wanted to make one of my siblings feel complete, and make them feel like what I had done was right.

As we were done, I was then feeling like we were finally going to be done. "Thanks for talking with me. Strangely enough, you made me feel better." After she was saying that to me, we went down, and we were going to bed, and I was over it. Over all of the pain and suffering that was going on at the house, and I was feeling like I was going to see how it was going to work out.

I went down the stairs, and I was going to my room, and my bed, feeling like I was just sort of needing to find a way to make some sense out of this all. I had no idea what was going on, and in a way, I was not even caring anymore. I was just needing to do all that I could have to bring it together at the end of the day, to make it better.

...

-Dec 21 1993 5:20 pm- I was sitting down in the living room, and I was needing to find something to do. I mean, I had nothing to keep myself busy besides watching some movie or tv. I mean, I loved doing those two things, but at the same time, even at my younger age, I would have to either be stupid or not caring about my family to not focus at least a little bit on what the hell was going on at all with my older siblings. I just needed to find something to do.

But if Lydia was right about one single thing from that entire tirade, it was this: I was too young to understand, and I was too young to be able to do something about it. Again, even at five years old, I was aware of something like this. Although I was wondering if this was going to get in the way of them being at my birthday, considering the fact that Josiah was not at my birthday last year, and god knows what it was like on previous years.

I was probably the only person in the entire family, maybe even the entire town, that was more interested and excited for my birthday than for Christmas. The thing was that when your birthday is only a few days after anyways, you are willing to wait the extra few days to have the big stuff. My parents decided that since I had my birthday and Christmas so close together, that they would split my gifts of the two in half, and then do it that way, unlike the others, where they put in some effort to sort of provide for both in a regular way.

I was watching on the screen a person getting stabbed to death. I think it was some girl who was the best friend of the main character, and she was stabbed by the guy in the Halloween mask. I knew that people thought that what I was doing was a bit strange, and kind of creepy. But I did not really care. I enjoyed watching this stuff, and I was willing to go on and continue the practice up, because it was something that I actually liked to do.

As I was watching another couple of minutes of the movie, and thinking about half a dozen other things, I was seeing Todd Jr coming by, and then he was looking at me. "Oh you're watching another one of those strange movies. Isn't this like the fifth or sixth time you've seen this one anyways?" He asked me, and then I was looking at him, as if mildly offended at the fact that he was pretty much showing that this was why I wasn't allowed to watch it. The fact I've sene it 'too much'.

"There's nothing else interesting on." I said, and then I was looking at Todd, wondering what he was going to be doing now. I was clearly seeing him looking like he was wanting to find something else to say. But the more that he was looking at me, I was seeing that he was just wanting to basically find literally else to do to make it all change. "Is there something you needed?" I asked, trying to be patient with this whole thing.

"Well, I was thinking about going on and grabbing some stuff in a few minutes. I am planning on going on a date with Bebe soon, but I think that she needs some time to get ready. So perhaps we can go and take care of the stuff that is going on." Todd said, and I was looking at him, and when I was looking at him, I was able to tell right away that I was aware that he was totally staging this, and that he was having this whole thing planned from day one.

"What do you need to find?" I asked, and then he was thinking about the fact that I was pushing a bit too hard on this, and that I just needed to be taking this more calm and casually. I mean, he was giving me a chance to be getting out of the house, and I was going around and asking a bazillion questions on this. I was seeing him just looking like he needed to find a way to give me a answer, and make it seem like he needed somebody here.

"I was planning on grabbing some stuff like batteries, and do some Christmas shopping." Todd said, and I was seeing him looking like he was wishing that I would just say yes to this, and then I was feeling like if the latter was true, then maybe I could be able to spoil myself on what I was going to get, and know what he was going to buy me a few days early.

That was literally the only reason that I had found myself saying "Yeah, I can do it." I said, and then I was seeing him looking kind of glad to be seeing me looking like this, and then I was standing up, and then I was looking right at Todd, and then he was sighing a bit, and then he was walking towards the door to the house, and I was feeling like maybe I was just needing to be getting this over with for the best response.

Once we were out of the house, I was seeing Todd looking at me for a second and we were going inside of his car, and once inside, that was when Todd basically already lost his disguise, and while he was driving to the store still, his reasoning for this was just not going to work. "Hey Henry, I've heard everything that is going on, and I feel like I need somebody to just tell me what is going on right now." He was saying to me, and I was feeling like I needed to find a better way to go on this whole thing.

"I don't know what's going on. All that I know is that Lydia is upset with this. Then you have Seth and Jack who were furious last night. Then Gabe is out every night. It seems like you and Josiah are the only ones who are even close to striking normal here." I said, and then I was looking at Todd, wondering what he was going to be saying to me. I was clearly seeing that he was wanting to find a place to start with this whole thing.

"What is going on with all of you guys? I mean, Jack being upset isn't too strange, and he has been sort of on edge for about a week or so. But Seth? I mean, say what you will about Seth, but he is always polite, and you have to really piss him of to get him to be mean. And Gabe is so deep down with this that none of what he is doing is shocking me. But then you get with Lydia. Last time I checked, she was hanging out with her friends." As you can tell, Todd was clearly as confused as I was with this stuff.

"Do you have any idea what is going on?" I asked, and then Todd was looking at me, and I was seeing that for a second he could not believe that he just heard me ask this. But then after he was taking a moment to express his shock, he was then going down, and looking like he was wanting to just come up with a proper answer with this whole thing, and not be getting in my business here. Then he was getting back to the point.

"I wish that I knew what was happening. I mean, when I see all of my siblings acting like they were pretty much going wild, it is just bothering me. I don't want to drag you into all of this. I would hate doing anything to you now. But it seems like you clearly have some idea on what is going on." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was just needing to be finding a better response to this. I was kind of sad at the way he was feeling now.

"Honestly, I just am tired of not knowing what is going on. But I need to get over it I guess. I think that I might need to try and get my siblings to tell me what is happening. I mean, I think that maybe if I find out what is going on with one of them, I will learn what is going on with them all. And it all started when it was with Gabe. I think that I need to at least get him to talk." After Todd was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely deep in thought about all of this.

"Sorry for all of this. I can't help you about any of this." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to be keeping him feel better about this all. Todd was looking at me, as if feeling like the mere idea of forcing me along into this was just a bit silly, and that I needed to not beat myself up on this. That I had done nothing wrong at all.

"How are you supposed to be helping me out? I mean, you're just a small kid. There is nothing that you can be able to do about it." After Todd was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was just wanting to find more to say, but felt like maybe he was needing to be leaving it all alone. "Honestly, I never thought that just in a couple of weeks, that everybody was going to be going crazy and out of their mind right now."

I was feeling like that was one thing we were going to be able to agree on. I truly had no idea what was happening, and despite the fact that they were all my siblings, I was feeling like I just needed to be taking some time to be actually knowing what was going on. But then he was taking a moment to try and process what we were doing.

"I feel like there is no way in hell that I will be able to help out myself. And I am kind of getting over it. But that does not mean that I have to be in love with this idea either." Todd was saying to me, and then he was clearly wanting to be saying more. But then he was just thinking about how we could be able to continue this discussion up, and both be able to talk as brothers on this issue, and get to know how it was bothering the two of us.

"What does Bebe think about it? Have you told Bebe yet?" I asked, and then Todd was looking at me, and I was seeing him clearly looking like he was wanting to just deny this subject, and that this was too much for him to consider. But then after a moment, he was sighing, feeling like he might as well just tell me what is actually going on with the two of them. Maybe with her perspective, we would know what to be feeling.

"She was told about all of this, but I feel like she was just thinking that maybe I am over reacting to this all. And maybe she is actually kind of right. I mean, there is no real reason to suggest that any of them, besides maybe Gabe, have done anything wrong." Todd said, and I was wanting to tell him about what Lydia did to me, but I felt like she deserved more than what was going on here, and I felt like she was just under a lot of pressure. And given how sorry she seemed, I decided I would let her pass.

"Maybe Bebe is right. I mean, we might be caring about them. But maybe we are only worried because we live there, and outside of the house, it is nothing strange at all." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to find more to say to this. But I was feeling like I needed to try and get Todd to see that we were probably just trying too hard with what to be doing right now.

"I don't know. I'll give it the rest of the year. If by New Year, something like this is still going on, then I feel like I will need to continue pushing in on this. I mean, after all, we are going through winter season, and winter is infamous for having a lot of rough emotions going on and stuff." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was just trying hard to bargain himself into feeling like this.

"Do you think that you are going to get them to tell you the truth?" I asked, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to see how I was going to be able to make a difference on this, and then I was seeing Todd was maybe needing to find a different way to go at this whole thing. I was seeing that Todd was clearly wanting to find some better way to respond to all of the things that I had asked, since that one simple question already captured so many clauses.

"The thing is that I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I don't think that I can get them to tell me everything. I don't think that I can get them to tell me even half the things that are happening right now. I think that if I were to even try, I would be just failing miserably at this entire thing." After Todd was telling me this, I was seeing him clearly looking like there was just too much to be trying to understand about what was going on.

"Sorry for asking. I thought you might have known what your plan was." I said, and then he was looking at me, and then I was clearly seeing him looking like he was thinking about what I had just said. I was seeing that he was clearly wanting to be taking things easily. But then he was thinking about the fact that this whole thing was already going to be a bit hard for him to actually accomplish all of this stuff.

"It's not your fault. I mean, I know that your heart is in the right place. You want to help out. But the thing is that even if I had a idea what the hell was going on, I would be going crazy. I think that I will just need to try and get them to talk with me. That is all that I think even matters." After he was telling me this, he was looking at me, clearly looking like he was needing to just sort of consider what I was feeling right now in a way.

"I just thought that you would have known some stuff. But maybe that was my fault for assuming so much about you." Todd said, and I did not have any offense to what he was saying. He was just trying to sort of know what was going on, and I was seeing him sort of just trying to be finding more to say. To be finding more to sort of give him a damn clue on what he was supposed to be feeling at the moment.

Eventually, we parked the car where the store was, and then he was taking off his seat belt. I was taking mine off as well, knowing that if I stayed here, it would look bad for him and the rest of the family. So with that, we were walking towards the store, and I was seeing Todd just looking like he was almost glad to be having at least one of his siblings with him doing this whole thing.

...

-Dec 21 1993 9:00 pm- I was feeling like I just needed to try and keep my head down low, and not make any deal with what was going on, and by doing this, I would be able to sort of just pretend like nothing was going on at all. I was feeling like this was the best that I was going to be able to do for my own sake, my own fucking family. I cared about my family. And I wanted to see them well, but I knew my best way to do that was to just not do anything.

As I was feeling that way, I was wondering if maybe I was going to be able to maybe get Seth to talk with me. He was the only one that I was going to even remotely try and talk with, since I knew that if I had tried to talk with anybody else, they would either just simply reject me, like what Jack had done, or get really defensive about it, sort of like what Lydia did last night. And even if I forgive her, I needed to know that others would not be so easy with me.

I was wanting to help them all out. But I was feeling like this was the only way that I could get anything to work out in the long run. I was scared out of my mind on what my school life was going to be. Since when I was not dealing with anything like that, nothing was happening. But the moment that everybody was going to school, was the moment that literally everything went to the shitter.

I was feeling like I just needed to try and see how this was going to work. I was then seeing that there was just a couple of my older siblings doing their own thing, and I was feeling like maybe I was going to just see what one of them was feeling, and see if they were going to want to talk with me at all. I was feeling like at least one of them would have been willing to talk.

I was staring out the window, and I was just wanting to be thinking about Christmas. I was feeling that if I thought on Christmas more, then I would have been able to end this whole thing much easier. But Christmas was something that I guess that was just not going to be that big of a deal in the next few days. I mean, with everybody acting the way that they had, I was feeling like maybe Christmas was just not going to even be a huge priority on anybodys list, for better or for worse.

As I was thinking a bit longer, I was hearing Seth's voice, and I was seeing that there was a small amount of uncertainty with the way that he was talking. Almost as if he was certain that there was going to be something that would be coming up if I were to try and talk with him. He was clearly feeling like maybe I was going to be trying to talk with him for a bit. "Hey, I am going to be hanging out with one of my friends for a bit. You know, to talk with him about some things." Seth said, and then I felt like maybe if I was light on it, I could get where he was coming from.

"Are you talking about the whole thing that you, Jack and Lydia went through last night? What was that about anyways?" I asked, and I was feeling like maybe I was going to get some truth from him. I really wanted some truth from him, no matter how he was going to be going on at this whole thing. Then he was sighing, feeling like he might as well give me a little bit of info.

"I had to personally deal with the lies that everybody was going around and telling us. It really hurt to be knowing all of this. But I guess that people were just wanting to go on and look like they were the big person. But I think that maybe I am no different from them. I thought that I could have helped." Seth said, and I was seeing him feeling like he was almost finding that idea to almost be funny in his own way.

"I had wished that I would have done something good. I wished that I would have helped. But nobody else took me seriously. Nobody else thought that I wanted to actually help. And now that I was forced to deal with what everybody was telling me, and I was forced to choose, I had no idea where this was going to go." He shrugged, and I was feeling like I just needed to see where he was coming from now.

"What made you care so much anyways?" I asked, and then I was seeing him looking like he was finding that to be the best question anybody could have asked him there. Almost as if feeling like maybe he was being a bit of a idiot here. Then he was coming together, and finally giving me an answer that he felt he would have worked with.

"To be honest, I thought that I would have at least been able to have a chance to make a difference. You know, do something right. I thought that when Lydia was telling me about helping her out, that we were going to be coming somewhere. But that was the biggest lie that I was coming up with for myself." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him just sort of wanting to be finding a bit more to say. But he was feeling like maybe he had made his point.

"Lydia told me some of what happened yesterday. I do not know how much of it was honest though, or how much of it she was just saying for the sake of show." I said, and then I was looking at Seth, wondering if he was going to be giving me some information. Then he waved me over as he was opening the door, and I was confused at what he was trying to accomplish here.

"Come on, maybe we can talk about it more as we are heading down to where my friend Manny lives. I think he will be fine with one of my siblings coming along. If you remember, he liked you anyways. So if it had to be anybody, I think he would be fine with you." Seth said, and then I was looking around, feeling like maybe this was a terrible idea. But I decided that I would do it anyway, for his own sake.

"What is going on? Do you have any idea what she was talking about? She seemed like it was something that was kind of hurting her deep down. I mean, I have no idea what it was." I said, and then I was feeling like I might as well give him some of the details that I knew. "She said that she saw somebody die that night. But that's about as far as it went. And a tree house." Then he was placing his hand on his shoulders in annoyance.

"Am I the only one who does not know what this tree house is? I mean, literally everybody and their mother is talking about it." He said, and I was clearly seeing him wanting to be finding more to be saying. But as he was telling me this, he looked at me, and was shaking his head, as if feeling like maybe I was needing to just find something better to be say to him to make him feel better.

"I don't know anything about it. I mean, I only heard about it last night." I said, and then Seth was shaking his head, and then he was just rubbing his eyes, as if feeling like what he was dealing with was the worst thing that anybody could be able to deal with, and I was wondering why he was hating this whole thing so much. I was feeling like maybe I just needed to try and see what I could do to help him feel better.

"I feel like everybody else is just playing one big prank on me. That nobody is taking me seriously. But I guess that maybe nobody wants to try and help me out. But if people wanted to help me out, then by god they would have given me some hints already." After Seth was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was willing to be seeing where I was going to be trying to change how he was going to look at this now. Like he would have loved it.

"What type of act would they even be willing to play anyways?" After I asked him this, he was just rolling his eyes, as if he was feeling like this was just a figure of speech, and that I needed to be laying off of him, and not be trying to get to know every single little detail of what he was saying right now and stuff. But he was still able to answer anyways.

"I don't know. I feel like if I were to try and get to know some information, she would be just telling me that I was going insane, and that I burned some bridges. If I try to talk to a older sibling, he would be telling me that he is unable to tell me anything at all, like I am just some stupid boy." Seth was telling me about this, and I was seeing him wanting to say more, but he was not even going to dare and try to express more emotions here.

"Sorry for saying anything. I was just trying to be helping out was all." I said, and then I was seeing him looking at me, and when he was looking over at me, I was seeing him looking like he was almost feeling kind of feeling bad for this, and that he was feeling like he was just feeling kind of bad for it all. "What are you going to be telling your friends?" I asked, feeling like that was going to be a relatively important question now.

"I don't know. Probably just tell him anything that I know. Well, what I saw, and then I know that Jack warned me against this, and Lydia might not like it, and Gabe knows what is going on, I feel like I just need to see where this is going to head." After Seth was telling me that, I was sighing, and then I was feeling like maybe I could connect with him a little on the whole situation with Jack.

"Yeah for some reason, Jack is really hyper focused on thinking that everything that is going on is terrible, and that I should never look into it." I said, and then I was seeing Seth looking like he was just sort of trying to be finding more to say to make it all come together. Seth was sort of feeling like he was needing to be finding more to say to change it all.

"I think that maybe he is right. I mean, I don't really want to know. That being said, I will certainly not reject any information that is going to be given to me." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was just wanting to be saying more. He was clearly wanting to continue, but did not feel like he had any real motivation to continue this. I felt bad for virtually all that had been going on.

Eventually, we were at Manny's house, and then Seth knocked on the door. I was seeing Seth looking like there was a small part of him that was clearly looking like this was just something he was forced to do because he did not want to be dealing with. I had seen that he was wishing to just pretend like he did not have to deal with any of this, but was sort of accepting it all.

Manny opened the door, and he was looking at Seth and I. The Seth part did not shock him at all. But the part with me was just a bit strange. He was sighing, feeling like he was just needing to see what was going on with me. "What is your younger brother doing here?" Manny didn't even sound angry or anything. I was just seeing that he was trying to figure out what the hell the whole situation really was here.

"I was wanting to talk to you about some things that I was actually hoping you could be able to help me out on." After he was saying that to Manny, this was when Manny was looking like he was sort of just wanting to kind see where he was even coming from in the first place. Then Seth was adding an extra bit to sort of get himself to seem more clear now.

"I have had to see and deal with some really annoying stuff right now, and I need to just talk with you a little bit more." After he was saying that to Manny, that was when Manny was just sort of getting it in his mind that this was something he needed to be patient with, and that he was just needing to wait for a bit more, and that I was going to need to see what the hell he was going to be trying to accomplish now.

Once we were inside of the house, and the door was closed, Manny was looking right at Seth, and he was pretty much just pretending like I was not even here. I mean, I did not know if that was offending me a bit, but as I was listening to them more, part of me was feeling like I wanted nothing to do with their fucking conversation.

"So did you hear the news last night? Tell me the truth. I feel like if you know what was going on, then we could work on talking a bit more here." After he was saying this to Manny, I was seeing that Manny was just looking utterly lost on what was being talked about. But that he was aware that there was no way he was going to brush this off. Then he was shaking his head to the question.

"No, I did not watch anything. I really fail to see what even matters about this." After Manny was saying this to Seth, I was seeing that Seth was a little annoyed with this, but not at all surprised. I was feeling like maybe I was just going to have to wait a bit, and by doing this, I could get some answers on what the hell was happening now.

"Well, there was a person who was shot dead last night, and Lydia and her friend Claire saw it happening." After Seth was saying that, Manny was suddenly looking confused on this. Not confused in the way of trying to see why things were important. Confused as to why they were forced to witness something like this in the first place. But then I was starting to realize that if everybody was saying this, there was no way it was a lie.

"What the fuck was going on?" Manny asked, and then he was looking at me, as if suddenly realizing what he had done, and he was already starting to regret saying this out loud in front of me. Then Seth was waving it off, as if feeling like there were more important things to talk about right now.

"We swear all the time at the house anyways. I don't think he is going to care if you let it slip one or twice. Just don't go crazy and do it all the time." After Seth said that to Manny, I was seeing him slowly taking a deep breath, and then looking at Seth, as if feeling like now that we got this over with, we needed to talk about the more important stuff.

"Alright, if you are saying that it is alright, I will not be too worried about it this time. Anyways, so what the heck was going on that made this whole thing happen in the first place." After he was asking this to Seth, I was seeing Seth slowly nodding, feeling like he was going to be able to focus on the subject a bit more. But the way that Seth was looking, the whole thing was just a bit rough, and I was seeing that Seth was not wanting to really discuss this anyways.

"Anyways, so she was hanging out with her friend Claire, and she was clearly just trying to find a way to talk to Claire about what was going on, and sort of making all of the answers come together. I was feeling like I needed to sort of hear both sides of the story, since it was just a bit crazy to be hearing all of this stuff going on. But then there were a couple of men in black who were walking along and talked with her." Seth said, and then he was waiting to see what Manny was going to be reacting to this start.

I was then seeing that there was no response. "Anyways, now that they had shown up, they were thinking that Claire and Lydia were believing that there was some big conspiracy that they were thinking was going on, and I am certain that if they were trying to make them stop looking into these, that this is proof that these theories are true." After Seth was saying this, I was nodding, feeling like what he was saying was probably correct, and that I was just needing to sort of see where this was going to go now.

"After they were talking for a bit, and Lydia was mentioning this whole thing with a tree house, that was when there was a woman who showed up to the house, and I was later told that this was Claire's mother. When she tried to intervene, the second man shot her in the face and killed her." Seth was saying this to Manny, as I was seeing even the lord of darkness Manny looking shocked at this whole thing.

"I drove to the house, yes I did that despite being several years too young, and I was having Jack at my side. We ended up beating them up for a bit until Claire and Lydia got in the car, and then I drove them back to the house, and found out all of this stuff." Seth was saying this to him, and then I was feeling like I was just never going to be making this whole thing really make any sense. There was no way it would make sense.

"Now that I am here, I am sort of just wondering what the heck was going on right now. I feel like maybe I just need to find a way to learn if there is something that I could be able to do to help out. if that is just at all possible." He was saying, and I was seeing Seth looking like he was wanting to say more, to this whole thing make some sense in the long run.

"I think that if you do not want to be looking into this, I think that you should probably just try and be safe here." After Manny was saying this to Seth, I was seeing Seth nodding, as if feeling like this was the only way that this was going to be making any damn sense. Feeling like I just sort of needed to kind of see what was happening. But I did not know if it even mattered at all.

"I know that this would be logical. But when I see that my siblings are pretty much just acting like nothing is happening, and not explaining anything to me, I feel like this is something that I just need to sort of be making some peace with." Seth was telling Manny and I, and I was seeing her looking a bit unsure of what to be saying right now. I was feeling like this was something I was going to need to kind of accept it.

"Do you think that you are actually going to be looking super deep into this, or that you will just sort of be leaving the whole thing alone?" After Manny was asking Seth this, I was seeing him just looking like there was nothing else that even mattered. I was feeling like maybe Manny was just too scared to continue to think of what to say, as a argument or to help.

"I want to know what is happening. I think that when I see my siblings acting like they can just treat me like I am some fucking idiot who does not know anything, I am just a bit angry at it all. I feel like I just need to try and finally get some of the answers here." After Seth was telling Manny this, I was seeing him looking a bit uncertain of what the heck he was even feeling the need to tell me right now.

"I think that maybe I just need to look a bit deeper, for my own sanity. Once I finally start to feel like I know what is happening, then I can sort of just finally get some answers to all of this now." After Seth was saying this, before Manny could even respond, I was already seeing him shake his head again, as if he could not believe that he was suggesting such a thing in the first place. Could not believe what he was doing.

"I need to stop. I already know that this is insane. Even I can tell that I need to find something better to be doing than just this." After Seth was saying this to Manny, I was seeing him looking like he was just trying to be finding more to say to get a sort of change in answer, or a change in idea of what to be feeling. I was seeing Manny looking like he was kind of glad to be seeing that Seth himself was seeing how insane this had seemed, and that he was willing to let the idea die.

"Good for you to try and retract from this. That was starting to make me worried, and I was going to be willing to try and fight you on this." Manny said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was feeling like he was kind of needing to be counting his blessings here, and that he was just wanting to see what the heck we were going to be doing now. Then with that, I saw Manny looking like he had wanted to find more to go off of.

"Well, what do you think is going on? Even if you don't look into it, surely you must have a theory here." Seth was saying to Manny, and I was seeing Manny looking uncertain on what to be telling me. I was seeing Manny looking like he was just trying to sort of know what he was actually thinking. Almost as if feeling like the idea of answering was a bit impossible.

"I think that maybe there are just some important operations going on in the town, and that we just need to respect their business. I think that if we try and get in their business, then it is our fault more than anything else for being kind of stupid. I mean, I know that this might not sound nice or anything. But I feel like we just need to try and be honest about this whole thing." After Manny was telling Seth this, I was seeing him looking like he was just being scared, and needed to see Seth play it safe for our sake.

"Maybe you're right. I guess that just the idea of having so many things going on right now is just a bit strange. But I guess that maybe you could be right. That maybe we just need to be leaving them alone." Seth was saying, and I was seeing him looking like he was sort of willing to accept such a notion. Even if such a notion was going to be a bit rough for him to fully be getting used to in his own way.

"Honestly, I just feel like if I wanted to know what was going on, I would wait until I was older. I would wait to sort of see if this was not just a bad set of memories." Seth said, and then he was just sitting down, feeling like he was going to need to at least think every single thing out a bit more. That he was going to just need to find some way around this. But then Manny was almost looking like he was wanting to think more on this as well.

"Manny, thanks for talking with me. The whole thing just seems strange." Seth said, and then he was looking right at me, as if feeling a small amount of pity. I was confused as to why he was giving me this look of pity, and thinking that all and all, he did not really make any big mistakes on this whole thing, and I was just needed to see what was going on in my own right.

"Sorry for dragging you along into all of this. And sorry for saying all of this stuff if I ever feel like I am going to be changing my mind on this whole thing." After Seth was saying all of this, I was seeing him sort of looking like he was unsure of what to be saying. I was then shaking my head, feeling like that was the best answer and the honest answer.

"I would not be too worried about it. You needed to try and find something, and that is important." I said, and then I was looking at Manny, and I was feeling like I was just needing to see what was going on now. Then with that, we were all thinking of what the future of this family, friendship, and life in town would be like with some doubt from now on in our brain.

...

-Dec 22 1993 9:00 pm- I was thinking about the conversation that Seth had with Manny, and I was just sort of doing my best to be able to understand how serious it truly was. I was feeling like maybe I just was never going to understand how they really knew anything that was going on, and that maybe I just needed to be sort of putting that away once and for all abut it all. I was feeling like maybe Manny was probably just trying to be a good friend by helping Seth out, but had no idea what to be doing now.

I was feeling like maybe when I knew what was happening with Seth, and I knew what was bothering him, or keeping him feeling like, then I would sort of be able to kind of understand what was really happening all around me. I felt like maybe Manny was just scared that we were going to be trying to be some big hero or something.

I did not want to be making a huge difference on this whole thing, but I was feeling like maybe I just needed to be making this whole thing better. I was feeling like maybe my family was just going to be sort of confused, and they were going to be doing their own thing, and that I just was sort of needing to get over it all. Despite the fact that maybe Seth was going to reject any advancements that I could make here.

I was just sort of getting over it all. I was wanting my family to treat me with a form of respect, but I doubted that anything like this was really going to happen. I was feeling like maybe if I wanted some respect, they were just going to be pretending like they were going to try and give it to me, but I was sort of just not making a huge ordeal out of it. But in a way, I was feeling like any form of respect that I could get was just a bit out of the line.

But the whole thing was just confusing. There was no better way that I was going to be able to describe it as possibly the most confusing thing that I had seen in a while, and I was just sort of feeling like maybe the people who were around me could have answered at least some of my questions, but that this was just not a huge deal in any real sense of the word. I was just thinking about the movies that I had been watching, to try and make me feel better.

I was feeling like as long as I was going to be watching the movies, then I was going to be feeling maybe making some of this just sort of be forgotten, and then everything was going to be alright. I was truly thinking that the movie was going to be the answer to everything that was wrong with my time right now.

But that all was stopping when I was just seeing something strange at the house. I was confused at what I was seeing, and I was standing up, feeling like maybe I was just going to have to be looking more intently, and when I would do this, I would sort of know what I was supposed to be doing. I was seeing that there was somebody like a person in the yard.

I was looking outside the window, and I was seeing that the guy was smoking a cigarette at the yard, and then when I was looking at him just taking a long drag, I was feeling like if I wanted to be getting somebody to believe in what I was seeing, that I was just going to have to be showing them this cigarette. I was feeling like this was still all that I just was going to need to check out.

The guy was then looking up, and he was seeing me, and he was seeing that I was the only one in the room. As he was looking at me, and just trying to see what I was going to be doing, I was seeing that he was looking like he was progressively more relieved to be seeing that I was not making any deal out of anything at all. Like he was just wanting to see where this was going to go.

Then with that, I was seeing him just walking off, and going to a black car. I was seeing that he was almost looking like this was the best outcome to what could have happened. A small kid who was coming along and seeing this, and that was all that it was going to be. I was feeling like maybe he was just not wanting to let anybody know what he was really looking into.

But as he was driving off, I was feeling like I was just needing to be leaving this whole thing alone. I was needing to just let him sort of get away, and be that one guy who I had seen at the front yard, and have it be as simple as that. But then again, I was feeling like certainly at least one of my older brothers would have been able to get it. That they would want to know the truth.

One thing that I was sort of remembering at the end of this was that the guy was wearing a blue arm cast. As if he had been facing a recent injury, and was recovering from it all. I mean, I was too young and stupid to be letting that thought get in my mind, what it was going to be meaning. But when I was finally getting the realization to be coming to mind later, I realized that this was probably the guy that Jack and Seth had to deal with earlier with the whole Lydia and Claire thing.

When the car was gone, I was feeling like I was going to be able to be fine and safe. But I was feeling like I just needed to take the time to be telling one of my older siblings what was going on. Maybe when I would do this, he might try and fix this whole thing, and he was going to be sort of letting me know that I was going to be safe, and that I was needing to just be happier here.

I was looking around, and I was feeling like maybe since Gabe was the one that started this whole thing, and probably knows more about this than anybody else, he was the one that I needed to go on and check. Todd was already on a date with Bebe anyways, who I was wanting to meet as she sounded like a hot lady. Josiah was always having a way to follow his passion with music, and I was feeling like he deserved some chance to sort of be able to continue on that without dealing with me trying to be annoying or anything like that.

Seth was clearly looking like he had already been through enough to not go on with this anyways, and if I dare mention anything to Jack, he would be thinking that I was insane or maybe even stupid. Lydia was barely any older than me, and probably thought that she was needing to be leaving this alone. Dylan and Drake were just three years old and probably couldn't help me, if they were barely giving out full sentences. Levi was only two, and clearly too out of it, and I am not even going to pretend to ponder what Baby Ridge was going to be able to do to help me out.

So as I was thinking about all of the solutions, I was thinking that it had to be Gabe. So with that, I was walking to the room where he and Todd shared, and I was feeling like he was certainly going to be able to help me out here. I was feeling like he was going to just give me some answers, even if he had no desire to do this, or he was going to make the promise to be helping look into what I was telling him about, and then I was going to let him take care of this.

I was seeing that Gabe was inside of his room, and he was wearing no shirt, which I almost never saw him do in my nearly six years of life. I was seeing that he was clearly looking like he was in some form of pain. But I was feeling like maybe I was going to just pretend like I was going to know what was problematic for him. But despite the presentation, the stuff on his back was scaring me more than the shock of seeing him shirtless.

There was something like a couple of cut marks, and I was seeing that they were looking to be relatively recent, and clearly there was no way that he had put them on by himself. Since there was no way he was going to be able to reach his back that way. Then he was looking at me, and then he was quickly putting on a shirt. Both for respect, and to keep up the act a little bit longer without having people realize this was all a lie.

"What's the issue? Do you need to have something done right now?" He was asking, and I was clearly seeing that he was wanting to get this over with, and that I was just needing to get it out, if I was needing for him to do anything for me. "I mean, I was going to be heading on out soon. Going to talk with some of my friends, and seeing how they are all doing." Gabe said, and I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to continue the act up a bit longer.

"Well, I was wondering if you were going to help me understand who the guy on the yard a moment ago was." I said, and then Gabe was looking at me, and then he was just sort of placing everything all down, trying to be just focusing on what was happening right now. I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to just sort of get it over with. I was sighing, feeling like I just needed to explain what it was real quick.

"So it was a guy wearing black, and he was looking like he had a broken arm, and he was examining the house for a couple of minutes. Then when he was seeing me, he was heading off, and he was looking like there was some really funny secret between the two of us. I feel like he knows something here." I said, and then I was seeing Gabe just looking like he was wanting to find more to say, but was too worried to continue.

"I think that I might know who these people are. But I think that I should just leave you alone on it. To be honest, I think you just need to be letting this whole thing go." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him sort of just wanting to see if I was going to listen to him. But then he was getting on his knees, looking like he was needing to be finding more to say.

"Honestly, I do not want you to be looking into this whatsoever. I think that if you even dream about looking into this, your life will never be the same. Just be smart and for once, just do not let it get to your mind." After he was done saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like there was utmost sincerity to what he was telling me right now.

"I have seen how it has hurt all of you guys. I do not want to look into it. I was just wanting to see if you were able to know what was happening." I said, and I was feeling like the truth to the matter was the only thing keeping me feeling different. When Gabe was looking at me, and he was seeing that I was being honest, I was seeing him looking like he was just glad to know that I was not falling into this lie.

"Good, I am glad to know that at least one of us is going to be getting out of this fine. But how much do the others know?" Gabe asked, and I was seeing that he was almost looking like he was sort of failing what had happened. I was feeling like maybe he was just needing to enlighten me on why he was clearly looking like this. Maybe when he would explain this to me, I would sort of be able to put it all behind me.

"Well, Seth was wanting to know why you did not show up to his talent show. That really offended him, and made him feel like you did not love him. But then Lydia was looking into a tree house. Todd feels like you are just kind of lying to us, and then Jack says that he already knows about everything, and needs everybody to just be not looking into this whole thing at all." I said, and then Gabe was looking at me, and I was seeing him just sort of looking like he had wanted to find more to say, but just could not get it in himself to do it.

"Damn it, I thought that I was able to just put it all in a way that nobody would have gone to look into it." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing that Gabe was looking like this was the worst mistake that he could have made. I really did not comprehend what was happening, and I was feeling like I just needed to at least sort of understand what we were getting ourselves into in any form or fashion.

"I really do need to look into some stuff right now. I can't mess around anymore. Thanks for telling me everything you know, and I appreciate it all." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him placing his hand on my shoulder, as if feeling like he was just needing to take in a moment to understand what was happening. I was seeing Gabe just looking so damn sad over whatever was happening around me.

"I think that you might have done something important here telling me that. I feel so sad getting everybody stirred up about this whole thing. I thought that what I was doing was helping people out. I thought that I was being a hero. Now I feel like this is the exact opposite." Gabe was just placing his hand on his head, feeling like he was just sort of needing to wrap his mind around all that was happening, and I wanted to help him out.

"What are you going to do?" I asked, feeling like telling him this would have been a massive mistake, if it was going to be getting him in danger or anything like that. This was just not going to be worth it if I was placing my brother in some form of danger, even if he was lying to me, and even if he was making some big mistakes on this. But then he was just looking at me for a moment, sort of knowing what the heck to say.

"Honestly, I think that I am going to be having a very long and serious discussion about what is going on here, and I am going to be trying to hopefully get the people I know to be taking me seriously. It is genuinely the least that I was going to be able to do. To sort of make things right." After Gabe was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was sort of wanting to see what I was going to do now.

"Sorry for bringing up what I have seen to you." I said, and then I was feeling like what I had been saying was just a bit awful, but then I was seeing Gabe was just wanting to be finding more to say. I was seeing that he was wanting to tell me off, but then he was thinking something else in that moment. That telling me off was going to be a bit criminal. And that I just needed to be letting him sort of know what I was trying to accomplish now.

"Don't worry about it. If I never knew any of this, I would have never helped you. I would have never made a fucking difference. I feel like I just need to finally take what I know, and make it all work." After Gabe was saying this to me, I was seeing him sort of looking like he was feeling like this was the one thing he needed to sort of get it all together. Then he was shaking his head, feeling like there was nothing to say now.

"And when this is all over, and you are much older, and know what it is like to be taking this seriously, then I think that I will be telling you everything that I know." After Gabe was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was just sort of fine with this all. Then I was smiling a bit, knowing that Gabe was offering me to eventually know what the hell was going on here, and finally know who was in the right, and who the villain was to this whole story.

As Gabe was starting to be placing his hand on the house door, I was feeling like I was needing to be finding something to say to him that was much more important than anything else in the world in my mind. "Gabe, no matter what is going on, please just be safe." I said, and then I was seeing him looking so happy to know that no matter what I was telling him right now, and no matter what was going on, at least one of the kids in the house believed in him.

"I would never let anything happen to this place. I am going to be making sure that no matter what happens, you will always be safe." After Gabe was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be finding more to say. But then he was clearly just trying to be finding a proper answer to what had been going on. I was seeing him sort of just clearly wanting to find something else to say. But he was totally lost.

"I never wanted to know what was going on. I feel like if I was going to look into this I would be going crazy." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and then he was feeling like when he was seeing me openly saying this, knowing that I was finally feeling like this was the one thing that he was wanting to talk more on, but that if he were to explain more, he was just going to be sort of on his own, and just sort of wasting his time even wanting to make it come together in anyway.

"I think that you are doing yourself a massive service. If you were to learn what is going on, and learn what I know, then I think you would be probably going just as crazy as the others here. It is just something that will be sort of too hard to be looking into here." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to know why I was going to be getting so damn serious with all that was being spread to me.

"I will not tell anybody what we discussed. I do not want anybody to be getting in our business." I said, and then I was feeling like telling him that was the best thing that I was going to do. Gabe was just looking at me, as if feeling like he was clearly wanting to tell me that he did not deserve a brother like me, and that he had deserved to be getting so much worse here. Then with that, he was sighing, and just sort of walking away, sort of wanting to let me do my own thing, to make me feel better on what I was doing for the sake of making me feel differently.

As I was seeing him heading off, and sort of feeling so glad over what was being said to us, and I was seeing he was clearly finally looking like he was going to be able trust me on this entire thing. I was feeling like maybe I was just going to have to work harder for him to know that no matter what was going to happen, Gabe and I were sort of going to be together on this. That we were going to sort of just be making peace with what had been happening.

Then I was sitting down, feeling like I just needed to know the truth of what was going on right now. I was feeling like I was going crazy right now. I was feeling like I just needed to know the fucking answer, and when I would get the answer, I would sort of be able to finally sort of put it all behind me once and for all. I was just needing to know what the hell Gabe was wanting to do. I was feeling like the uncertainty was going to always drive me crazy in my own way.

But at the same time, I was feeling like I just needed to know why the others cared so much about this whole thing in the first place. I mean, even if what Gabe was doing was a bit strange, it was entirely his choice, and he was having every right to be doing what he was doing. I was feeling like maybe when I was going to get the answers to this, I was going to see what Gabe was wanting to accomplish.

I was also going to be able to see why the others were going to be going through a huge wave of motions to go through some answers that were probably going to just be a bit anti climatic, and that we were sort of all just wasting our time looking into something that was really not all that big of a deal. But I did not want to be pushing him on this whole this, to make it all different to us all.

I was looking out the window, sort of just wanting to be finding the answers that had been going through my mind. I had felt like I was going to be getting close to the answers. I was feeling like as strange as people might be saying that it was that I was feeling like this, and as much as people might be thinking that I was saying this, but I felt like I would be the first to learn the truth of it all.

As I was feeling like there was a chance that I was going to be the first one to learn about this whole thing, I was feeling like it was only a matter of time before everybody else was going to be able to give it a rest, and then only a matter of even larger time before I was going to be able to get to know all of the stuff of this place, and then maybe even enlighten my siblings on this whole thing.

As I was thinking about the chances of something like this happening, that was when I was seeing Lydia coming along, and she was looking right at me, and when I was seeing her looking at me, I was seeing her sort of looking like she had wanted to be saying more, but was too worried that I was going to be over stepping this all, and that I would not be taking this whole thing very well at all.

But then she was starting to talk, and she was starting to try and get to know me, and see how I was truly feeling once and for all, to try and feel like we were going to be able to connect somehow. "Hey Henry, is something bothering you right now?" She asked me, and then I was shaking my head. I mean, confusing me, sure, but not bothering me, and I would be lying if I even pretended to say that this whole thing was bothering me in anyway.

"I just don't know what you guys are up to, and it is too much to handle." I said, and then I was looking at the screen again, realizing that I had missed out on the end of whatever movie was playing. I was kind of let down, but at the same time, I was feeling like something like this was not really all that important, and that I just needed to be thinking about what was going on, to sort of try and change the subject.

"Sorry if you are over this whole thing. We just thought that you did not need to know about anything. Besides, it seems like you are already sort of getting worn out of this all." Lydia was saying to me, and I was slowly nodding, feeling like she was going to be right on this, and that I was needing to just find a way to be focusing on whatever was going on. I was then feeling like I was just needing to focus on what was happening.

"Do you think that you will be able to help me know what is happening?" I asked her, and then she was shaking her head. As if feeling like even such a thing was just going to be impossible to joke or entertain. I was seeing her then looking like she was just sort of thinking about all that was going on, and that she was just needing to find something to tell me to sort of make me feel better on this whole thing.

"I was planning on hanging out with Claire tonight. And maybe the other girls. If you wanted to come along." Lydia was telling me this, and while I was wanting to tell her no, considering all that was going on, as well as the fact that I was already hanging out with Seth to some extent, I was feeling like saying no was not going to be a viable option to have right now.

I was then feeling like I was just sort of needing to get over it, and not be making her feel like I was leaving her hanging. "I guess we could be able to do it." I said, and then I was looking at her, sort of wondering what she was going to say to this. I was seeing her looking so damn glad to know that I was having some sense to this. That she was going to be seeing me looking like she was going to sort of get along with all of this. I was needing to need to find a way to get this over with.

"Claire has been wanting to meet some of my brothers anyways. You know it is only a matter of time before you will see her." After she was saying that to me, I was seeing her looking like she was just wanting to tell me that no was not an option, and that I just needed to get over it. I was sighing, and then forced myself to nod.

Eventually, I was placing my shoes on, and then I was looking right at her, trying to find a way to be getting my mind into this whole thing, to try and understand how we could continue this discussion in a civil way. "Hey Claire, what is going on with your friends anyways?" I asked, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to be seeing what she was going to be telling me in the first place. But I just felt like I needed to go on and get further.

"Honestly, I think that she just knows how fun you guys all are, and that she does not want to lose on something like that. Please just do it and go along with it. There is nothing wrong that she is doing right now." She was looking at me, and then I was feeling like I just needed to get over it, and just pretend like it was totally fine and dandy here.

"I guess that she might have a different perception of interesting than I do." I said, and then I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to just say something to me, to try and me feel different. But in a way, I was feeling like this whole thing was going to be a bit rough in the long. We were heading on out of the house, to sort of just find a way to make it all make some sense.

After we were heading out of the house, I was feeling like I was needing to be more firm on what I was going to be expecting about this whole thing. I was feeling like maybe I just needed to let Lydia know that I was going to not be having a huge issue with the whole idea of almost wasting our time in some form or fashion.

As we were out of the house, I was looking at Lydia, and I was seeing her looking like she was clearly confused on what to be doing, and that she had no idea where to be heading with whatever was going on in her life. I was feeling like I just needed to sort of know what the hell was going on right now. "Hey Lydia, do you think that you are going to continue checking into all that stuff you were worried about earlier?" I asked, feeling like I just needed to sort of know what to be doing now.

"Honestly, I think that I am going to continue to check into it short term. You know, sort of just seeing what I might learn, but not going too deep into it. You know, just being smart enough to know when I need to sort of be leaving it all alone." After Lydia was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was just needing to finally open up about what was going on here.

"Do you think that something like this is even a good idea anymore? I think that you are just going to have to look at all of the options presented." I said, and then I was holding my hand out to make her understand what I was feeling. She was looking at me and I was seeing that she was clearly not even wanting to debate on me with any of this. She was clearly just wanting to sort of be putting this all behind her, and not make a issue on this whole thing.

"I know that you must be thinking that there is a way to be putting this all behind you. But when you know what I am dealing with, and you see what everybody that I knew saw, and you saw how much it hurt them, you know that something like this is not an option. I can never let this slide anymore." After she was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to be saying more, but clearly could not find it in herself to be saying a damn word.

I was feeling like I just needed to be finding more to say, to sort of make it look like nothing was a huge deal to me. But when I was seeing her just sort of acting like I was not aware of what was happening, and not aware of what was driving this family crazy, I was feeling like I was just needing to god damn keep myself from going crazy right now.

"Do you feel like you are going to be able to put this all behind you anyways? I mean, I think that knowing what your friends are dealing with is much more important." I was telling her, wanting to be taking this very seriously, and I was wanting her to see that I was not going to be making her feel bad over this. I just felt like I was needing to be seeing where this was all heading in the first place, to get some answers.

"I don't know what to be saying. It is all just too much to know. It is too hard to give you an answer when you are pushing so hard on me to be giving you some write up." Lydia was telling me and she was looking at me, and I was seeing her clearly looking fatigued, and seeing her like this, seeing her looking clearly lost, and clearly tired, and clearly broken, was the thing that I was just needing to tell myself to relax on.

"Sorry. I did not mean to be bothering you on this so much. I thought that you would have been willing to give me some clues on what is driving you." I said, and then I was seeing Lydia looking at me for a second, as if trying to decide if she really believed that it was really that simple, or if I was lying once again. I wasn't lying. But I was seeing her clearly just not wanting to even think on it all that much now.

"If it is that simple, then I guess that I can give you that." She was telling me, and I was seeing her sort of looking like she was willing to just accept the fact that I needed to let go on this, and that she was not too worried on what I was going to be saying if I found out some basic little things, and then left it at that.

"I am wanting to know what happened to Claire and her mother. I feel like when I know what is happening with that, and I can finally be able to make things right, then I will be able to put it all behind me. But I just need to know the truth." After she had told me this, I was seeing her sort of looking like she was wanting to continue, but feeling like what she had said was good enough, and that I was just needing to be leaving this whole thing along.

"That was not your fault. That was a bad event, and you are just beating yourself up for it." I said, and I knew that this was not true. I knew that it was her fault, and I knew that she was feeling terrible for doing something that she should not have done. But I was seeing her looking genuinely sorry for everything that was going on, and that she was just sort of wanting to be finding a way to change how I was feeling to all of this in a way.

...

-Dec 23 1993 1:30 am- As we were with Claire that day, I was not daring to say anything on the fact that she had just dealt with something really awful, and I had felt like I just needed to be more respectful with what was going on with her, and that I just needed to sort of at least pretend like I was going to be able to understand where she was coming from. I was wanting to see how Lydia was doing, and maybe if we knew what was going on.

"So now that you are clearly showing some signs of wanting to continue to be looking into this stuff, what do you think would even be a good starting place?" Lydia asked, and she was just trying to be sounding like she was not having any issues with this. But I was seeing that she was clearly just wanting to find a way to get Claire to be feeling better on this whole thing. To see what her friend was feeling at that very moment.

"I think that first we need to convince Rosa and Lily. I think that once I convince the two of them to be coming along and doing this, then everything is going to be good." After Claire was saying that, she was looking right at me, and she was clearly looking like she needed for me to be saying something. As if she had somehow thought that I was going to be the one who would have made some difference to this whole thing. I was unsure of what she was trying to accomplish here.

"I saw some guy with a arm cast. But he was just outside the house. I don't think you guys should be doing anything. Just enjoy playing with each other." I said, and then I was smiling at that statement, thinking that what I had said was relatively normal, and that I was saying nothing wrong with that. Claire was looking at me, as if wondering if I was crazy for even suggesting that we would be doing something like that. I did not see what I was doing wrong with saying that.

But before Claire was able to start to tear me apart, she was sighing, feeling like there was a part of her that was needing to remember that I was just trying to be helpful, and that I was wanting to be helping her out, and to be making her feel a little bit better in the long run here. "Sorry, but I guess that maybe you would just not get it. I should not be annoyed with you for that." After she was done with that, she was looking at Lydia, wondering if she was going to be saying anything else here.

"Anyways, so Lydia, what are you thinking that we should be doing? I want to go and just look around a bit. That is all that I want to do." After she was saying that to Lydia, I was seeing her looking like this was innocent enough, and that she was truly seeing nothing wrong with what she had been saying right now.

"I think that we should be hanging out with Rosa and Lily." After Lydia said that, I was seeing that she was trying to be clever by not saying anything of what to be doing if they were to hang out, just that they should be doing that. When she was suggesting that to Claire, and looking at Claire for a bit, I was seeing her looking like she was feeling different here.

"I guess that maybe doing such a thing would not be so bad after all. I just do not really know what to be doing here. I feel like something like this could be a bit of a rough idea." After Claire was saying this, I was seeing her almost wanting to be saying more, and that she was sort of looking like she was needing to just sort of accept this before anything else.

"Lydia, if you think that we go on and hang out with Lily and Rosa, what do you think we should do? What do you think we should be doing with Henry?" Claire asked, and then I suggested a idea that I knew was going to be making them both think I was crazy, but at the same time, they were both looking like they were willing to sort of go on and give this a try, to see how it would work.

"I think that maybe I could be staying here. You know, maybe call this a sleep over where you guys do something and I stay here for the time being." I said, and then I was aware of insane this idea was. But at the same time, I knew that if anybody was insane to be going along with this, that maybe Claire and Lydia would be going along with this.

"I mean, I doubt that anything will be happening to Henry while we go on and do something. I think that maybe we can just give him a chance to sort of be on his own, without forcing anything on him." After Lydia was saying this, I was seeing her looking like she was genuinely meaning what she was saying, and not just to be doing this as a getting away technique.

"Yeah, I mean, and if something was to happen, he would probably just tell us what was going on right away, right?" Claire was asking me, and then I was feeling like I needed to say this for her sake, and that I needed to sort of pretend like I was a real boy, that was going to be able to handle this right away.

"I am fine. It will only be for an hour or two. Besides, I should sleep anyways." I said, thinking that this was a genuine thing that I was having some to my mind. Both Lydia and Claire were looking happy to be seeing me looking like I was being so supportive of them on this.

"Well, if you are so certain that you will be fine, then we will be letting you along now." After Lydia was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was feeling like maybe she was needing to give me more credit than she had been before. But then she was sighing, feeling like they were just needing to get right to work, and be glad that at least one member of the family and friend group seemed to sort of be supportive of what was going on.

With that was all done and set in stone, both Lydia and Claire were getting up, and Lydia hugged me a bit. As a way to be thankful for me, as well as just to be happy with the fact that I was being such a good brother. With that, the two of them were heading on out of the house, and then I was looking at the wall. The idea of being alone was indeed sort of exciting, and was something that she was sort of wanting to sort of take advantage of in her own way.

I was wondering if Lydia and Claire were going to be fine. I mean, I knew that there was always something that was going to be possibly going on, but at the same time, I was feeling like I just needed to sort of give this a chance. I was needing to let them have a chance to be able to be alone. I had felt like it was the least that I was going to do to make it all come together, and to be better for us right now.

I was thinking about what it would be like if I did know what was happening. I was thinking that the answer of knowing what that was going to be like would have made things even worse. Would have made it scarier than ever before. And I was feeling like maybe I was needing to sort of just remember what it was going to be like if I was going to want to know. I was thinking that I needed to just sort of be ready to accept that this was out of my league.

As I was feeling like that, I was just sort of making peace with the fact that I was going to be off and just having a night to myself. One of the first nights in my life where I was going to be alone. And it would have taken until I was only slightly less than six years old. I was thinking that I was certainly going to be the one who would have the record in my family on that regard, which was both exciting and a bit strange for me.

...

-Dec 23 1993 12:45 am- I was waking up that night after I was feeling a slight touch on my arm. I was confused at what I was doing, but I knew that whatever was happening, to wake me up this early in the morning, that something really serious was going on. I was starting to get up, and I was looking right at Lydia, who was looking like she was almost sincerely regretting something. I felt like I needed to just know what the hell she was scared over.

"So Henry, were you wanting to know the truth of what we were talking about when we were hanging out? You know. Claire, Lily, and Rosa and I?" After Lydia was asking me this question, I was looking right at her, and I was confused at why she was starting to be telling me this. But at the same time, I was feeling like I just needed to be seeing what she was trying to accomplish. I also knew how important this really was, and that was something that was bothering me just a bit more than usual.

"Yeah, if you need to tell me what is going on, then I can listen to you as well as I could." I said, trying to be keeping this as calm and quiet as possible. I was feeling like I was just needing to sort of be making peace with this whole thing. But in a way, I was looking at her just sort of wanting to get this whole thing over with, no matter what.

"So we were talking about some plans to go on and hang out with each other more, and that the more that we do this, the longer we were thinking that we are actually going to try and understand as much as possible on this information. I think that this is something that is rather important." After Lydia was telling me this, I was looking at her, as if thinking that what she had suggested was a little bit insane. But I did not want to say anything. But I was feeling like maybe I knew too much to be sort of telling her off and not have her have issues in knowing what to say to me.

"This is crazy Lydia. Trust me, I know. You are acting like you need to know what is happening. You don't." I said, and then I was looking at her, wondering what she was going to be telling me right now. What she was wanting to say. If she was truly feeling like she had needed to try and tell me to stop. But she was looking like she was just sort of willing to accept that I was going to not be accepting what was happening, no matter what was really happening, and no matter what she was wanting to believe.

"I don't care if it's crazy. I have no choice. I want to help my friends, and I will do whatever it takes to accomplish this." After Lydia was telling me this, I was seeing her looking totally serious about every word of what she was telling me. I was scared of her, knowing that she was not going to be taking no for an option, no matter how much I was wanting to make this different.

"Well, do you think that they are going to be super into this idea as well? I mean, I think that this is important. To know what you are getting into, and knowing how the others might be affected by this." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like I was needing to be taking this seriously now.

I saw her looking uncertain of what to be telling me. She was clearly not wanting to be dealing with me acting like this. She was clearly not wanting to have me to try and tell her down on a idea she was making. I was seeing that she was going to try to get me to sort of see where she was coming from, but in a way, I was not able to ever see it at all.

"Henry, I need to be doing this. I think that if I can make Claire happier, then it will be worth it." She said to me, and then I was seeing her looking at me, as if willing to challenge me if it would keep me from fighting her. As I was looking at her, and I was seeing her looking honestly worried about how much I was taking this way too seriously. I was looking down, feeling like maybe she was right on this. Maybe I was pushing too hard.

"Fine, just don't get yourself hurt. I do not want to see anything happen to my older sister." I said, and then she was looking at me, as if feeling like what I had said was going to be making her feel better. But then once she was sort of getting over it, she was sighing, feeling like she was just needing to sort of get over it.

I was seeing her just clearly looking like she was wanting to continue this debate with me, but did not want to be wasting any time on this in the moment. "Thanks for letting me know that. It makes me feel so much better." After she was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was just finally acting like this was the one thing that she had needed to hear me say.

"I will do my best to be taking this whole thing into consideration." After Lydia was telling me this, I was feeling her looking like she was sort of making peace with this whole thing, and she was clearly not even wanting to be fighting with me on this anymore. She was clearly just wanting to finally see what was to come out of this.

...

-Dec 23 1993 9:15 pm- I was really just unsure of what the hell my siblings were doing, and in a way, I was just not caring at all. I was kind of feeling like even just the remote idea of figuring out what was happening with them was just going to be a bit fucking pointless, and I was feeling like I did not want to know what the hell it was going to be anyways. I was feeling like I was just sort of needing to find a way to go along with all of this.

I was feeling like I needed to find a way to just sort of brush it all off. I was feeling like doing such a thing would have been the only thing that would have actually made any difference at all. I was feeling like maybe I was just needing to honestly leave the whole thing alone. As much as I was wanting to know more, I had felt like trying to push harder was going to make them honestly just pissed at me, and hate me here.

I was just needing to sort of know what the truth could have been here. Despite whatever was going on in my mind, I was seeing that Todd was just getting ready to go on a date with Bebe, and I was feeling like I was just sort of needing to sort of see what the hell we were going to do. I was scared to know that he was totally oblivious to everything that had been happening, and while I did not know what the heck it was, I was feeling like at least I had an excuse.

I was feeling like no matter what was going to happen, I just needed to remember that he was unaware of it all either, and that I just sort of needing to keep all of this stuff with my mind. I was wanting to start to talk with him as well, but at the same time, I was feeling like this was just not even going to be all that big of a connection that we were going to create here. I was truly feeling like there was virtually no way that he was going to be taking me seriously here.

I was feeling like if I even dared to try and tell him something, he was going to be really angry at me. He was probably going to just tell me that if I wanted to talk about this, and try to make a big deal about this, then I was just needing to be taking things way less seriously, and pretend like I was going to be alright. I knew that there was virtually no way in hell anybody was even going to pretend to take what I was saying seriously, not because of only my age, but the fact that I was too oblivious to all of this as well.

Eventually, I was just sort of letting go of the fact that Lydia was out doing whatever the fuck with her friends, and I was feeling like in a way, I was not even wanting to know what she was doing. I was feeling like if I had wanted to truly know what she was up to, I would have just tried to approach her, and I would have told her to just tell me what I was going to have to try and make some sense out of this whole entire thing.

As this was happening, Seth was showing up and he was looking at him, and I was just sort of wondering what the hell was even going on. "Hey Henry, you seem to be thinking about something. What was going on?" After he had asked me this, I was looking at him, and I was just shaking my head, not even wanting to pretend like this whole thing was fine, and I was going to be really annoyed with him just trying to be acting like he was not aware of how fucked up this whole thing was now.

"Honestly, I don't know what is happening right now. I just think that Lydia is just out with her friends, but I am still worried about her." I said, and I was feeling like I might as well be honest about what was going on, and that the longer that I was going to lie about what was going on, I was just feeling like he would not really forgive me super easily and he would probably be thinking that I was just only making things worse for him.

In a way, he was not really wrong. But at the same time, I was just not giving a crap. "I think that you know what she is doing? Do you think that she has not let this whole thing go?" After Seth was asking me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to actually take this seriously, and not be messing with me here. I was just looking at him, wondering why he cared anyways. But I decided not to say anything on it.

"I think that she just wants to do something that she feels like will be important. I don't know, but honestly I don't really care anymore." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was wondering what the heck he was going to be saying to me. I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to debate more with me, but was just not sure if I was open to it at all.

"I really do not think that something like this is smart. I think that you are making a big mistake. But I mean, you are not the one who is looking into this." After Seth was telling me that, I was just seeing him looking like he was just wanting to let it all go, and that I was going to just be making this all worse for me.

"I am going to stop with this subject. The whole thing is just too much to talk about. I don't know what to think on this anymore." I said, and then I was looking right at Seth, wondering what the heck he was going to be telling me. I was feeling like when we were looking at each other, and I was seeing him deep in thought, I was wondering if his comedy act was a lie or something.

I was feeling like when I was seeing the look on his face, and I was feeling like he was just not going to give me any concrete answers, I was telling myself that maybe I just needed to let the subject go. "Fine, if you really do not care what Lydia is doing, then I will pretend like you don't know." I heard Seth say, and he was sounding kind of mad at me right now, and I was wondering what the hell his problem was, but I did not think it was going to matter anymore.

"I never said that I didn't care. I just know that I can't make any difference." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was seeing him just clearly looking like he was not convinced what I was saying here. Then he was just looking like he was kind of over this whole thing, and that he was not even going to mess around with me right now. I was then just wanting Seth to talk with me more, but I was aware that this was going to be a bit rough now.

"Well, I guess that maybe that might be true." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him just sort of wanting to continue to talk with me, but that he was going to just let this subject go. And as I was seeing him sort of looking like he was no longer dealing with this, I was kind of surprised about one thing that I never really wanted to explain right now. Since it would have made him look like he was not a caring person.

"I never thought that you would have been the sibling of all of them that would be going out of your way to be making a huge deal out of this. I thought that you did not care for anything at all besides your comedy." I said, and I was sort of meaning it with a mold amount of malice, but I was just too shocked to be caring at the end of the day, and I was wanting to see him do better.

"I do care about other things. I just don't show it, because I know my comedy is the only thing that I have any chance of getting somewhere at." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him clearly wanting to debate with me more on this, but I had felt like he had made his point, and that I needed to just be sort of leaving him alone right now. And then I was sighing, feeling like I just needed to take this alone.

"Alright, I will leave you alone." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just sort of needing to pretend like I was not at least slightly hurt by what was going on. "I just wanted to try and make you feel better." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was not even wanting for me to pretend like those were my intentions, and that he was well aware of the fact that he was the least favorite of the kids among out if the ten of us, and that the more we lied about it, the more he was to be angry at this.

"Henry, I know that you just want to be saying more. I know that you would love it. And to be honest, I do not want to be hearing it right now. I am tired of everybody acting like I am just somebody who does not know what to be doing here. I am just wanting people to actually understand that I am not a bad guy." After he was telling me this, I was just wanting to let the subject go, and I was not wanting for him to be rough on me anymore, and that I just needed to relax.

"Sorry, I will stop now. But you are right about one thing. I don't care about what Lydia is doing. I think that what she is doing is not important. What I think is more important is if she is doing well, and I think that maybe I should look there more." I said, and then I was looking at him, and I was seeing Seth looking like he was willing to accept this statement a bit more now.

"Well, maybe you will understand some day that this type of stuff connects much more than you might be thinking that they do. You can't really have one but not the other. If you are wanting to know what to do, you should just try and find a way to maybe learn what she is doing, and then find the best route to go out of it." After Seth was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was just thinking that nothing really was going to be coming out of this. I was thinking about something else now though.

I was feeling like maybe I was needing to actually consider that a bit more. That I needed to consider what he was telling me, and that maybe he was actually right on this after all. "Thanks for letting me know this." I said, and then I was looking right at Seth, and I was wondering what the hell I was going to be telling him now. Seth was just nodding, feeling like he was glad to have made his point now, and will leave me alone.

As he was walking out, I was feeling like maybe I was just needing to be strongly consider what he was telling me, and I was feeling like maybe when I would do something like this, I would finally have a path that I felt like was going to help me out here. I was finally going to know what I was supposed to do to help Lydia out. And as a result of helping Lydia, helping Claire and my siblings. I was sighing, unsure of what to feel.

I was thinking that while my idea might be insane, while my idea might be dangerous, while my idea might be getting my siblings mad at me, I was feeling like I just needed to sort of give this a try. I did not give a fuck what everybody was going to be telling me, and I was feeling like they would not have in my situation right now. But I was feeling like what Seth told me was going to change the way that I was going to be going at this all.

I was going to be going to where Claire lived, and when I was going to see her, and I was going to see how she was doing, I was going to just make her understand that I was going to be on her side here. After all, I was her younger brother, and I was going to make her understand that despite her being the older one, I would be able to protect her if I really needed to.

I was feeling like protecting her was the only thing that really mattered. Or at least knowing what it was going to be like to have one of the older ones would be able to protect her. I was sort of feeling like I was finally doing something that was going to be good, and something that was going to be right. But at the same time, I was unsure of what she was going to be seeing to sort of know that I really did appreciate her, and that I appreciated all that I had done.

When I would see her, we would be a fucking team. We would know what it was like to finally be people who would go out there, and actually do something bigger than arguing with each other, than doing something for our friends. We were going to do something for our friends and our family. If I even had any friends.

I knew that Claire and Manny accepted my presence, but that did not mean that they were my friend. I knew that they probably just tolerated me out of loyalty to Lydia and Seth respectively, and I did not even know the friends of my other older siblings, so I was not even going to try and figure that out at all.

But before anybody was going to even try and tell me off, and before I was going to try and stop myself, I was going off of my couch, and I was heading out of the house, and as I was leaving the house, I was wondering how things were going to be. I was feeling like maybe when I would see my sister Lydia, and see if she was good, she would probably be shocked to see me, but be happy to know that somebody cared.

Walking around at night was kind of scary, and I was not even going to pretend like it was nothing bad. I mean, when you would be alone, at the age of five, just walking around, and pretending like nothing was bad, then you would be seeing how maddening something like this was, and how awful it would be to do something such as this in the first place. But I was sort of just not really all that worried about this in the first place.

If any of my siblings knew what was going on, I would tell them what Seth was letting me know about making sure that if I cared about Lydia, then I was needing to just find a way to show her that I was going to do whatever it would take to make things better for us all. And they were going to probably just think that I was right, and that I was the good guy.

I was wondering what the hell they would even want to tell me anyways. I was wondering what they even cared about. I was wondering if they really even knew what was happening, and if they did not, if they were even wanting to go on and try to check it all out. I was just telling myself to just be taking it easier, and not be making a huge deal out of all of this, and that I was needing to be taking this slowly and easily.

Eventually, I was getting close to where Claire's house, and if she was not there, I would try Lily and Rosa, and if they were not there at all either, then something much worse was going to be in my mind. That they would be insane enough to go back to that tree house, or even fucking worse, to see what was 'going on' here, and make things seem like it all made sense.

But despite all of the stuff that I was worried over, I was telling myself something else. Something that I needed to just constantly remind myself of in spite of all that was going on. That I was not going to be making a huge difference on this whole thing. That I was going to just need to accept what was happening. I was needing to just accept that I was never going to help her out too much, and that I was going to need to just kind of get over it.

...

-Dec 24 1993 12:30 am- I was at the door, and when I was knocking on the door, I was scared out of what Lydia was going to be telling me if she was going to be seeing me. If she was going to tell me off, and tell me that I was wrong for everything, I was going to be feeling like nobody cared for me. I was feeling like if I was going to be seeing her telling me off, I was going to be sort of just annoyed with her, and I was going to start to wonder if she had ever cared for knowing me.

Eventually, as I knocked on the door, I was seeing Lydia and Claire answering the door. As I was seeing them looking at me, I was sort of feeling like I was just needing to relax a bit more. I was seeing Claire and Lydia looking like they were horrified at the fact that I was here, and the fact that I was wishing to confront them this way. It was something that I knew was going to be making them feel like I was making a big mistake, and they were going to act like I was a boring and stupid fucking baby here.

"What the heck are you doing out here so late?" Claire asked me, and she was sounding like this was the most horrifying thing that she would possibly be seeing. I was then sighing, feeling like bit of a asshole and a loser when I was doing this, but at the same time, I was just not even caring anymore, and I was going to do whatever I could to make this whole subject seem a bit less strange in the long run.

"I was just wanting to make sure that you were fine. I mean, Seth was telling me that if I cared about you guys, and wanted to see you doing well, I should be coming along, and just seeing how you are doing." I said, and then I was seeing both Lydia and Claire just looking shocked at the fact that I was talking like this in the first place.

"You are making a big mistake doing this. I think you need to be going home." Lydia said, and I was seeing her sort of sounding a bit angry at me, and I was feeling like the way that she was treating me was going to be making no damn difference. I was not going to give a shit what she was going to tell me. I was feeling like this was the one thing I needed to do for her.

"Why are you not letting me help you?" I asked, and I was feeling like looking at them, and being totally sincere on the way that I was going to be asking this, and looking totally sad and lost here, which I was, would have made them change the way that they were going at this right now.

"Because you will not be able to understand how much we are really needing to focus on this. You are thinking that this is a strange game. You probably don't know what is going on." Lydia was telling me, and I was feeling like she was certainly like this because of the fact that she was annoyed with the fact that I had randomly showed up, and did not speak with her before hand. I was feeling like I was just needing to get over this whole thing.

"You do not know anything either. That is the main reason Seth was telling me. He is worried about you, and I am worried too." I said, and then I was looking at her, and then I was just sort of wanting to say something else, and then I was sighing, thinking about how the hell we were going to be making this whole thing out for the best.

"He was wanting to know that this whole thing is just a lot to handle, and I think that he just wants to make you see that he cares about you, and I think you need to understand that you need to return." I said, and then I was seeing Lydia looking like she was needing to take a second to think on it before she was looking right at me once again, to sort of get to the point.

"Seth doesn't care for any of us. He is just doing this because he wants to get back at Gabe for leaving him behind." Lydia was saying, and for once, it was seeming like the roles were reversing between Lydia and I. I was getting utterly angry at her, and I was unable to take it anymore. I was feeling like I just needing to make my fucking point here, no matter what was going to do to change the results.

"Maybe you don't understand what it is like because you are just trying to act like you are some hero. I get it, Claire saw the worst thing ever. But you need to understand that one of these days, you are making things worse." I was seeing her looking like she was just not even caring a bit on this. I was seeing her just sort of wishing for me to just shut up, and move on with my life and accept the fact that I was wrong here.

"Henry, please go away. I am going to be doing this with Claire. I have some friends that will help me out. Get over it." Lydia was saying, and then I was just wanting to hold it back, and I was wanting to get her to stop, and listen to me, no matter how much it was going to take, and no matter how much she was wishing to make me feel like I was making a big mistake on whatever was even happening at all.

"Can you give me one reason to leave you guys alone?" I asked, and then I was wishing to hear her genuine perspective. I was feeling like I just needed to finally get this over with. I was seeing Claire looking like she was wanting to find someway to get into this, and feel like she was finally going to be able to make this whole thing finally work out for the best.

"Guys, I think that arguing about this is not going to help. How about we let Henry stay this time, and then from now on, he leaves us alone?" She asked, trying to finally make it looking like she was just going to be able to make this whole thing coming together. I was sort of just trying to be finding something else to do, to get her to understand the way that I was feeling right now.

"I want Lydia to let me help out. That is all that I care about." I said, and then I was seeing her looking like she was just sort of wishing to help her get it all. Lydia was looking like she was just really tired of this whole thing, and that she was just needing to finally make me understand that this was not a fucking joke anymore.

"I don't want you to help out because you're nothing more than a utter annoyance. You act like you are a helpful guy, but you only make things worse. You just talk around us, and act like you know what it is like to be in this group. But you do not." After she was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was finally making her point, and that she did not need to be saying something like this anymore. That she had made her point now.

"Is being caring and wanting to help out being an annoyance?" I asked, and then I was just wanting to find something else to say. I was feeling like there was more that I could say. But then Lydia was finally feeling like she was just needing to finally say one more thing here. To finally just get this whole thing over with. To get me to finally understand my side of the argument.

"I do not want to hear another word out of your mouth. Get it in your head that you are not helping me out. I think that you are only just making things worse for us all." Lydia was saying, and then she was just holding her hair, feeling like I was just finally over this whole thing. "You are being the worst brother of all time right now. Go away, and go home." After she had said that, this was when I was basically losing it, and I was feeling like I could not take it anymore.

I punched her right in the nose, and I was giving it my entire effort, and then she was falling down to the ground, and when I was done, I was seeing the blood coming out of her nose, and she was looking scared of me. Claire was just shocked to be seeing this right now. I was not even caring that she was a girl. I was not even caring that she was my sister. She had pushed me, and I was fucking over it, with no better way to explain it.

"You need to stop doing this. I want to help you, and I want to make you know that this is not something you have to do on your own. I do not want to hurt you. I want to help you. But you need to stop everything you are doing, and just finally get realistic on this whole thing." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like I was going to be making this whole thing work out for the best. I was scared of her, knowing that I was going to be known as the worst person ever depending on how this went.

"You need to understand that we love you. Even if we have a hard time showing it." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to stop, and that I made my point, and that she was never going to like me anymore. I was seeing that Lydia was wanting to be saying more, but that she was feeling like I was not going to be leaving it alone, and she was just going to be letting me have my moment, and be leaving it all alone now.

"We need to actually for real take her home. Maybe we can find something to help her out." Claire was saying, and I was feeling like she was going to chew me out later, and that she was going to be taking Lydia's side, and that any form of respect that she had for me was gone. I did not care though. I was finally able to have the courage to do something that I never knew was possible, And that was being able to finally have the balls to be able to fight back, and not hold back when I was doing this.

"I hope you will know that I am doing this for your own good. I also hope you know that I am sorry for this." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to be seeing where she was going to be taking this. I was feeling like she was going to be following me better. I was then over it. I was getting up, and I was going to be heading home, and I was going to just be ready for any punishment that I was going to be taking from this whole thing, and be proud that I stood up for myself.

...

-Dec 24 1993 3:51 am-: I was sitting next to Lydia, and the entire time that I was doing this at home, I was letting the regret of what I had done slowly seep me through. Despite what was going on, and despite how awful this whole thing was for me, I was seeing that there was a look on her face, and I was feeling like maybe I was just needing to be seeing what I would say to her to make me feel better. If such a thing was even possible.

"Hey, sorry for all of the things that I have been telling you lately. I just was wanting to be looking like I was able to have it all together. But I guess that maybe something like this is hard for you to process." After Lydia was telling me this, I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like I just needed to really get to see where I was going to be going with this. "Honestly I just feel like Seth might not have been the best person for you to be using as an example."

I was feeling like whatever she was saying to me was just a bit strange. "Lydia, we want to help you out. When we see you going around, going crazy, and fighting all of this stuff, we are scared for you." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to be seeing where she was going to be coming from. I was just wanting to finally get her to be feeling better about what the hell was even going to change at the end.

"Hey, seriously do not tell anybody what is going on here. I mean, I do not want anything to happen to you." After she was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was genuinely meaning every single word. She was looking so sorry for everything that was going on that I was feeling like maybe I was just needing to be taking her a bit more seriously now.

"I want to not let this continue on any longer. I am just feeling so bad for treating you like this. I just needed to do whatever was needed to at that moment to show that I was not going crazy." I was saying, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to see what the hell was going to get her to feel different. I was feeling like maybe Lydia was needing to sort of make peace with what we were doing, and I was feeling so damn awful on it all.

"Lydia, tell me and be honest with this, are you going to be going on and checking more of this or not? Tell me the truth." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to see what was happening, and I was needing to see if maybe Lydia was going to actually give me an honest answer here. I was feeling like any thing would have been a start.

"I have to. I know that you are probably not liking that answer, but I feel like I have no choice." After Lydia was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was just needing to be making me feel different. I was just sort of wishing for Lydia to just fine a way to be doing this without forcing us into something worse. I was sort of wishing for Lydia to know that we were going to do anything to make this whole thing better for her, no matter what was happening at the end of the day.

"If you are going to do this, I will leave you alone on it. But please do not force anything to Seth and Jack. I see them hurt." I said, and then I was standing up, and I was not even caring if Lydia was going to be giving me a lecture on how much she was hurting or something stupid like this. I was not wanting to hear her trying to make herself a victim. She was wrong for all of this, and I was hoping she would see this eventually.

"You do realize that sooner or later, Claire herself will be over this, and will be doing her own thing. I think you are needing to just remember that if Claire wants to leave it alone, you need to as well." I said, and then I was looking at her, wondering if she was going to argue with me here. I mean, I was telling the truth, and I was not giving a shit what she was going to tell me here.

"If it gets like that, I will let her tell me ahead of time. You do not need to try and pretend like you get it." After Lydia told me this, I was looking at her, sort of just giving this up, and I was feeling like I was going to be leaving this alone, and that we had both made our voices heard, and I was feeling like this entire debate was sort of just a waste of time, and I could not take it anymore, and this debate was just getting worse now.

"Just stay safe." I said, and then I was walking away from her, not letting her even try to continue this subject with me. I was not in the mood to be hearing her tell me something else. I was sort of just over it. I was going to be placing this whole thing away, and I was going to just be pretending like what Claire was doing was not a huge deal. I knew that this was not true. But I was wanting to sort of give my older sister of all people the benefit of a doubt in the long run.

...

-Dec 25 1993 1:45 am- I was feeling like I was needing to sort of just find a way to be making her feel better. I mean, I was always regretting what I had done to Lydia, and I was feeling like it was going to be making me the worst brother in the world. I was feeling like I just needed to try and finally reach out to her, and just say what was on my mind, and then be able to sort of see how I was going to be able to help her out in a way.

"Henry, did something happen last night?" Jack asked me, and I knew that he was already asking me about the incident that happened with Lydia, and I knew that I was just needing to find a way to sort of make him feel like I was not going to be a liar to him or anything like that. I was wanting to actually make him feel better on this whole thing, to sort of know that I was not lying to him or anything like that.

"Yes, it did, and that is all that I want to talk about." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was feeling like the way that I was going to be saying the next stuff to him, was going to be the way that we were going to be breaking through, and maybe making some form of a difference in the long run here. I just wanted to see how this was even coming together. But I was just too worried over nothing else, in all honestly.

"Can you at least tell me what it is? I think that this might be really important." Jack was saying to me, and I was feeling like this was going to be the most annoying thing that I was going to deal with. But in a way, I was just not even caring anymore. I was feeling like Jack probably cared, but I was not really in the mood to be dealing with any of this.

"Lydia got roughed up, and we had to make sure she was fine. I think that this is all that you need to know." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was seeing him just sort of looking like he was wanting to force more information from me, but that he was aware that doing this was just not going to be helping either one of us out in the long run here.

"Why did she get roughed up in the first place?" Jack asked me, and I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be having me taking this very seriously. I was seeing him just wishing for me to just open up, and that I was going to find a way to sort of be more of a man, and be more honorable about how I was going to go on this whole thing, if it was at all possible.

"That is not what is important. She was wanting to know more about what was happening here, and it just sort of came back to her, and it never really was working out the way that she was expecting." I said, and then I was looking at him, and I was seeing Jack clearly looking like he was wanting to fight me on this, but knew that I was never going to to be willing to truly open up with him, and that I was going to be acting like this was the one thing that I wanted to stay away from.

"Yeah, I guess that if it really is as simple as this, then you might be right." After Jack was telling me this, I was seeing him just sort of clearly wanting to see if I knew what was going on, and if he would be able to get me to be honest. But at the same time, I knew that in a way, he was not wanting to know what I was going to say here.

I was just aware of the fact that no matter what I had said, I was going to be treading on very thin ice, and that sooner or later, my family was going to learn about what I had done, and that sooner or later, they were going to be having my head on a platter, and that I was going to just have to accept any form of punishment that I was going to be gathering from this. But in a way, at least I was fighting for my own beliefs, and at least I was willing to go on and go with what I had felt like was the right option.

...

-Dec 26 1993 3:30 am- I was feeling like there was going to be no way in hell that I was going to be able to make it seem like I was not going to be totally going crazy over something like this. I was just feeling like I was just needing to act like nothing else was all that big of a deal. I was feeling like maybe Jack and Lydia were going to confront me more on this, and then make my life totally ruined, but I was not going to be shocked over something like this at all.

I was thinking about how much it was going to fucking suck if anybody even tried to be approaching me. If they were going to try and reach out to me, I was going to just have to sort of make it all look like I was not going to be even thinking about what they were going to try and tell me. I was worried that they were going to try and tell our siblings. If they did something like that, then I was going to pretty much make things a little bit different. I was feeling like maybe I was going to just have to be making it all different for them.

I was thinking about what it was going to be like to maybe go on and see what the other siblings were like now. I was feeling like maybe reaching out to the other siblings were going to be the only thing that was going to capture any form of sanity in my life. I was feeling as if maybe I was going to have to maybe see what the hell my brothers were actually doing, and if they were willing to go on and see how I was actually doing in my own regard.

I was so badly wanting to just pretend like none of this was actually happening, but I knew that to even pretend like something like this was totally fine, I was just going to be rather clear cut on this whole thing. I was thinking that maybe if Seth was going to be hearing what I had done, and if he was going to know what I was feeling bad for, he would have lost his fucking mind over what had been going on now.

The idea of talking with Seth again, and seeing how he was like, and seeing how I was going to reach out to him, was actually something that was looking kind of tempting, and it was going to be sort of just something that would have made me feel like I was going to have some form of a end goal. I was sort of wondering what the hell I was going to even tell them if I were to try and speak to them. Despite all of the issues going on with Seth and Lydia and them getting along, I knew for a fact that Seth was not going to be cool with me doing something to Lydia, and doing it in a moment of self fulfillment like I had done there. But maybe Seth was going to understand it eventually.

That was the main difference I was thinking was coming along with this. If I explained myself, and I made my side of the store clear, I was feeling like he was surely going to forgive me. I was feeling like surely people would be able to understand why I was going to be doing this, and they would have not agreed with it, but they would have been able to sort of just accept that at the moment, in my eyes, this was the only option that I had here. I was thinking about what it would be like to just sort of pretend like none of this ever happened, and that I was going to be able to just live a normal life, and live a life where I was going to feel like people would not hurt me for just being a shitty brother. I was scared of how everybody would treat me, and I was feeling like deep down, they had every right to be doing such a thing, after all that I had done.

I was sort of wondering how much it would have taken to sort of be looking like I was the one who was the victim to everything going on. That I was the one who had to deal with everybody acting like I was the bad guy, and the one who would only make things much worse for everybody who was involved. I mean, that idea did cross my mind quite often. And as much as it would have been nice to sort of just pretend like I did not have the entire family possibly wondering what I had been doing, I knew that such a thing was just not going to be happening, and that I was going to just need to focus on getting myself out of any real issues that I was able to fix on my own.

...

-Dec 27 1993 2:00 am- I was thinking about the huge mistake that I had been making when I was going to be reaching out to different siblings. I was seeing that when I was going to be heading to sleep for a moment, feeling like I was just needing to see if one of my siblings were up at that moment. I was seeing that Seth was probably writing something on a piece of paper, and I was wondering what the hell I was going to be able to say to him.

In a way, I was feeling like maybe reaching out to him would have made things better for us. I was thinking that he might have wanted to speak to me again, or something like that, but in a way, I was feeling like doing this would be throwing me a bit off. He was going to be telling me that I was just needing to sort of be doing my own thing, and that I was not needing to worry so damn much about some of the more minor things here.

I was not able to give a shit what he was going to be saying to me, since I was feeling like this was what I just needed to try and do to get him to listen to me on the fact that I was totally willing to go further, and go to see what was bothering him. I was thinking that he would have been the only one who would have wanted to reach out to me in any manner here.

I was feeling like I just needed to accept the fact that Seth was going to probably be wanting something more than dealing with me. I did not think that what he was doing was going to be all that big of a deal. I was feeling like Seth was just wanting to hang out with Manny, and I was feeling like maybe if I was able to go along and join along with him, then maybe we could have been able to make something actually work out between the two of us.

I was thinking that Seth was just a bit scared on his own right, and that maybe if I was going to finally get to know what Seth was going to accomplish, then he was going to reach out to me, and that I was not needing to press anything on his own. I was thinking that this was all that I needed to tell myself a bit here.

As I had been feeling that way, I was sitting down, and then I was looking at his room, wanting to speak to him, but I was feeling like I was just not going to accomplish much by dealing with this. Eventually, I was giving up on this whole thing, and I was feeling like I needed to go damn relax as there was a chance that I could be able to watch some really fun movies or something before the idea of perpetual sleep would take me over.

As I was looking at the television after turning it on, I was making sure that the volume was only at two, to make sure that nobody would really know what I was doing. I had subtitles on, so I was only going to be listening to the music and the screams of the characters dying and stuff without really caring about the acting and stuff.

Eventually, as I was thinking about what I was going to be seeing in the moment, that was when I was seeing Josiah coming along, and he was sitting down right next to me, and I was seeing him looking at me, and I had looked right at him, as if wondering if he had been planning on this whole thing from the start.

"Hey, were you waiting for me to do something like this?" I asked, and then I was looking right at the screen, pretending like I was not going to be bothered by the fact that he was doing, feeling like I was just needing to not take it super seriously. I mean, he was just probably wanting to hang out for a bit, and I was being rude by not letting him do this.

"I was not really planning on it, but when I saw the giant flashing lights, I decided not to go against it." After Josiah said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more, but did not want to take the risk in the way that he had known that I was probably going to be getting really defensive over it all.

"Sorry, I was just wanting to sort of have a moment of quiet time." I said, and then I was seeing Josiah looking at me, and then I was seeing him slightly role his eyes, as if feeling like such a idea was really funny, and that I needed to not even fall into the idea that such a thing was possible at all.

"If you had actually thought for a moment that you would be getting quiet time here, you are setting yourself up for disappointment." Josiah was telling me, and then I was looking at him, and then I was feeling like there was a level of truth to what he had been saying, and that maybe I was just needing to accept what he was saying for face value, and not be trying to deny the truth on this.

"Yeah, you might be right." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like there was virtually no need to continue this debate as well, and as we were sort of wanting to talk for a while longer, I was just sort of wanting to continue this for a while longer, and then I was feeling like maybe I just needed to let another superficial detail come back to me once again. A detail that I knew nobody cared about here.

The fact that it was going to be my sixth birthday coming up soon, and I was really wanting people to be excited for me. I wanted to have people show some signs of caring about what it was going to be like. But it was seeming like everybody was off doing their own thing, and that they did not really care for the fact that I was turning six. I mean, with as many siblings as this family, they probably thought that it was not that big of a deal.

"Hey, I was wanting to talk to you about something. I have a concert performance for New Years. I know it's your birthday, and you are probably going to be angry at me for this, but it is only during the night time. During the day, if you wanted to spend some time with me, to make up for it, just tell me now and I can set aside maybe half an hour." Josiah said, and I was feeling like what he had been saying was something that almost made me feel betrayed. But then again, he had no obligation to be making me feel better on any day of the year, even my birthday, and I was being immature about this all.

"If you wanted to, I would not mind doing it." I said simply, figuring that there was no way that he had cared, since this was the second year in a row that he had planned on doing something like this, and I was starting to think that maybe he was purposely avoiding me on that day. That he was purposely avoiding me in general. As if I was his least favorite sibling, and he did not have the fucking balls to just say that he was. I knew that I was being rude for feeling this way, but in a way, I did not care anymore.

"Yeah, I think that it is the least that I can do. I know that you were not very happy with me skipping it last year, and I kind of feel bad." After Josiah was saying this to me, I was wondering if he was actually telling the truth, or if Lydia was making rumors about me, and she was telling people not to be crossing me, and making me sound like a fucking monster or something like that. I did not really care how silly I was sounding at that moment here.

"Thanks for trying," I said, and then I was feeling like I needed to at least pretend like I was not a sore loser, and that I was just glad to be having something after all. In a way, I was, and in a way, I was glad to be reaching out, and seeing him wanting to talk. In a way, I was feeling like I would not have been able to hate this whole thing any longer, even if I was going to want to do something like this now.

"I mean, I know that when I do something like that, it is kind of rude, and I feel like I made a big mistake for not letting you have something that could make you happier." After Josiah was saying this to me, I was seeing him sort of looking like he was wishing to try and say something else, but that he knew that any further he got on this, the more that he was going to possibly try to make me less pissed than I was going to be.

"What are you going to perform? Do you like having a band?" I decided to entirely change the subject, not even wanting to pretend to be cool with this shit. Not even wanting to pretend like I was going to entertain this idea anymore. I was in no way going to pretend like I was cool with him acting like this was something he could redeem himself on. But I did want to sort of see if perhaps we could make something work that we had here.

"I am enjoying working at the band enough. It is not the best thing in the world, but I certainly have no objections to it." After Josiah was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more, but then he was feeling like he was not even wanting to dare say more, on the fact that if he had done such a thing, I was going to be feeling alienated from everything, and that my interest was going to be entirely gone at this.

"That's cool. At least you don't seem to hate what is going on." I said, and then I was seeing Josiah looking like he was wanting to say something else. I was feeling like maybe Josiah was wanting to say more, or that I was wanting to say more. But it was going to be a matter on who spoke up first, and not if something like this was even going to happen.

"Henry, you don't need to pretend to be happy for me. I know that you are kind of mad at me, and that you are just wanting to express that out right now. If you wanted to just do it, and get it over with, then just tell me what the issues are, and I will be done with this, and we can get it over with." After Josiah was saying this to me, I was seeing him sort of looking like he was wanting to say more, but that he was feeling like just even doing this was a issue.

"I just don't want you to abandon me on my birthday anymore. At least you are willing to give me some time." I said, and then I was staring at the screen, and I was feeling like the statement was all that I had needed to make, and that I just needed to sort of leave it at that. Eventually, I was starting to think that for better or for worse, our entire point had been made, and that we did not need to be wasting our time with this discussion anymore.

"I didn't know how much it had bothered you was all. I thought that you did not seem to care if one of them was not around for your birthday." After Josiah was saying this, I was able to see from the look on his face that even he did not believe that for a moment, and that he was sort of tired of this lie, and that he was just wanting to make me feel better. But from the look on my face, I think we both knew that this was not happening.

"It just makes me think that you do not care about me when you do something like that." I said, and then I was looking at him, as if feeling like this was going to be a test, and that maybe I was just needing to try and see what the heck I was going to get from him. If he was going to tell me the truth, or if he was going to try and deny the truth once again. Or if maybe he was going to be saying the truth that I had felt like I needed to hear.

"I was just really busy. It was a busy day, and I had totally forgotten about it. I often times forget about things like the birthdays of siblings, there are ten of them, but don't think that I did not care for you. That is not what was going on at all." After he was telling me this, I was seeing the look on his face, and I had felt like I had made my point enough to not make a issue on this now.

"Anyways, do you think that something is going on here? You know, with the others?" I asked, trying to focus on something that even I knew was more important. I knew that something bigger was going on, and I was not stupid, but I was wanting to see what Josiah was going to tell me now.

I was wanting to see if Josiah was going to try and enlighten me on what was going on, or if he was going to straight up pretend like nothing was really going on. But that was failing to be something I would need to worry about when I was seeing Josiah looking right at me, and he was sighing. "Yeah, I know that something is happening here. I am well aware of that. But I feel like it is none of my business. I know that if I try to go any deeper into it, I am going to only be making a issue out of something I know is none of my business." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more, but that in a way, he had made his point now.

"I mean, I think that maybe we can try and learn what is happening, but doing something like that is not going to work. I mean, I see that Seth is always having a issue with this type of subject." Josiah said, seemingly confirming what I had known, but when he had said that, I was glad to know that I was not lying to myself. That I was not going crazy thinking that this was happening. If even he believed in this, then I felt like there was something we could get out of this.

"Honestly, you will not get anything out of it. Just don't even bother." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering what the hell I was going to hear him say. Josiah was looking at me, as if feeling like he was well aware of this, and did not need to tell me off or anything like that. I was seeing him just tired, and looking like even the thought of something like this was going to be deeply bothering him over all of this.

"Yeah, I know. I have not even wasted my time trying here. I think that it would just make me go mad if I was going to even remotely want to reach out. But I guess that they are in the middle of doing their own thing, and that we need to let them be having their own fun." After he was saying that to me, I was looking at him, as if wondering what the hell he was talking about with them having fun. How they would be able to message anything that they had been doing as fun, and if he was insane for feeling like that. But then I needed to remind myself that he had no idea what was going on.

"Hell, if I was wanting to know what was happening, I would be just reaching out and over hearing their really loud conversations. But that is something that I am not doing, so clearly I don't care." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to find something else to say here.

"Yeah, I guess that we are not being very quiet on this whole thing. You know, the conversations we have are decently loud." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just going to try and find more and more that could connect us a bit more, but I was feeling like maybe Josiah was wanting to try and act like he was having a profound thing to say, but did not really want to bother with something like this.

"Josiah, do you have a idea on how you are going to reach out to them? Do you have a idea on how you want to get them to speak to you anyways? If you were interested in something like this." I said, and then I was looking like I was probably desperate to be gathering something. But as he was looking at me like this, I was feeling like we were going to just be sort of wasting our time on something like this, but that maybe we just needed to try and continue to see where were heading on this.

"I have no idea. In a way, I don't want to know. If I were to try and know, I would probably be going insane. You know, because I would be banging my head against a fucking wall." After he was saying this to me, I sort of was feeling like we were just sort of making our points now, and that I needed to sort of let the conversation go, and not drag it out anymore.

"But I think that if I were to try and understand, I would probably be going crazy." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him just looking like he had been finishing up with this whole thing, and that he did not need to say anything else with this now. But then again, I was feeling like maybe Josiah was going to try and say more, but then I was telling myself to just fucking let it go, and not make things worse.

"Well, thanks for talking with me." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was glad to be hearing a small amount of gratitude from me, and that I was actually being a good guy for once. A good brother, and not somebody who was just making things much worse for us and stuff. But I had no idea what the heck was even going on now. I was just wanting to put this whole thing behind us once and for all.

...

-Dec 27 1993 3:00 pm- I was hanging out at the house, I was sort of just trying to be pretending like I was not really having any real issue to what was going on. I was thinking that the fact that Josiah did clear things up with me was a bit annoying, but it was something that I was able to kind of appreciate. The fact that he was willing to just tell me what was going on, and not give me the illusion that I was going to be seeing him and stuff. Now that I sort of knew what was going on, and I was feeling like I was finally able to get over it, I was feeling like I was just going to find something to do to make the day better.

I was thinking that if Josiah had any real ill feelings to me, he would have tried to talk with me here. He would have gone on and just never said anything to me, and he would have probably pretended like I was going to be making a huge deal out of nothing at all. Which was something that I was not really going to be excited over at all.

Maybe I could bother Jack enough for him to pretend like we were going to be able to get something done together. I was feeling like maybe talking with Jack would have given me some solutions. But despite how unlikely something like this was going to be, I was sort of just wanting to give it a chance. I was thinking that maybe I could get Jack to learn the truth, and then once we were done with that, he might be angry at me, and he would be wanting me to make up with Lydia.

I was just wanting to present myself as if I was not really having any huge issues with this all, but I was just sort of looking like none of the stuff even really mattered anymore. I was just sort of talk with her, and maybe Lydia and I were going to actually not only make up with each other, but maybe I could force myself to get along with her, and maybe even if I did not get it, maybe the two of us were going to maybe work together and find out maybe not what was going on here, but the best way that we could be able to pull this shit together, and that maybe we could make some form of agreement to how she was going to be looking at this stuff, and what I was not going to do, and what I would be doing to sort of make her feel better.

The truth behind this change in attitude was that I was just tired of this dragging on. I was wanting to finally just place this whole thing behind me, and I was just wanting to live my life at the house without making a big issue on this. I was hoping that maybe just the two of us getting this over with would have made speaking with each other so much easier in the long run.

As I was thinking about this, I was seeing Lydia and Jack walking by. I was seeing that they were both looking kind of happy over something. I had no idea what the heck was going on, and I was feeling like I was just sort of needing to see what the hell her excitement was over, and I was feeling like I was just sort of needing to get it over with.

"Hey, what is going on? Are you guys planning on doing something?" I asked, and I was looking down, genuinely wanting to not look at Lydia in fear of how she was going to react to me. I mean, even if she apologized to me, and pretended like everything was fine, I was just never going to be sort of fine with what the hell was happening. I was never going to be fully letting it all go, no matter what was happening.

"We were going to be hanging out with Claire. If you wanted to be coming along." After Lydia was saying this to me, I was looking at her, as if feeling like what she had said to me was insane. I was feeling like she was needing to god damn chill out if she was even going to pretend that this was something that we should be getting into right now. But at this point, I was feeling like I just needing to take things easier than I had been right now.

"I might as well come along, and see how things are right now." I said, and then I was looking right at them, feeling like what the heck I was saying to her was going to be making her feel different. "But can we talk for a moment first? Just you and me Lydia." I said, and then I was seeing her looking a bit worried, but she was deciding to see what the issue was. She was feeling like I was just needing to get something cleared up between the two of us, and that the sooner we got it over with, the better.

"I was wanting to know if you were actually fine with me coming along. You know, after everything that is going on. I feel like I need to make sure, before I do something right now." I said, and then I was seeing her looking like she was just kind of shocked that I was still onto something like this. And despite not wanting to admit it, I was seeing that she was kind of finding it a bit annoying that I was not letting go of it after all of this time.

"Henry, you need to let it go. I am not angry at you anymore. I understood why you did that. I might have hated it at the moment, but you made the right choice." Lydia said, and then I was looking at her, as if wondering what the heck she was going to be saying now. I was feeling like I just needed to find something to keep this going. To see if this was not just some random hoax.

"But I hurt you. I will not get over it." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like I just needed to find something to keep it going. I was seeing that Lydia was sort of wanting to find something else to say, but was just clearly not wishing to say something to anger me any further. I was seeing that she was just wanting to make me feel better, while also not angering me.

It was that second piece that made me know that no matter what she was saying, she was going to be angry at me, She was going to be thinking that I was a monster, and that I needed to find a different way to go along with this. And that maybe she was just wanting to make sure that I never did anything to possibly hurt her any further.

I realized right then and there that despite her being my older sister, I was already stronger than her. I was already able to take her on if I was needing to. On one hand, I was not shocked by this, but on the other hand it kind of was making me sad to be thinking about this whole thing. "Hey Lydia, I am still sorry. Let's just put this behind us, and maybe find a way to keep you going forward." I said, and then I was seeing her looking like she was all fine with this. She was just looking like she was sort of glad to be wanting to see me finally come forward with this.

"Yeah, let's just see how it is going to be." After Lydia was saying this to me, I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to say more, but she was just sort of looking like she was willing to put this whole thing behind us. "Hey Henry, do you think that you and Claire will be able to get along just fine?" After she had asked me this, I was thinking about it a bit more, and I was feeling like maybe this was something that I could be able to give her. That I was going to finally see what Lydia was up to with Claire, and we could make it work.

"Lydia, I will be fine. I need to at least give her a chance." I said, and then I was seeing her looking like she was willing to be accepting something like this. She was looking like she was cool with me telling her that something was fine now. I was thinking that the faster we put this to rest, and the faster that she knew that I was actually kind of liking Claire, the faster this nightmare could have fucking ended.

We were eventually back to Jack, and I was seeing that he was looking unsure of what he was going to be telling us, and I was feeling like he was wanting to say more, but was too scared to say something in fear of us treating him like he was probably a fucking idiot for doing something like this in the first place.

We were walking along, and we this was happening, Jack was clearly thinking of something that he was going to say to make things better for all of us, since he was feeling the silence to everything that was going on was probably making him feel really uncomfortable, and I was seeing that he was just too worried about what was happening for him really let it go through, which I had felt like was a bit strange.

"I have to admit that Claire is a really nice person. You know, I think that when I come back to school soon, I am going to be trying to show my teachers how much I have improved. And when I do this, and show people that I want this to go farther, I will bring her to all of my games." I was hearing Jack actually sounding almost happier when he was saying this. I was seeing that he was wanting to say more, but that he was just sort of feeling like he did not need to say anything.

"You know, I want to make her feel like her trust in me was well placed." After Jack was telling me that, and I was seeing him looking at Lydia, he was clearly wondering what the hell was going on. I was seeing that Lydia was just wanting to see how to go on with this, but was thinking that maybe Jack was just thinking too deeply on all of this.

"Lydia, do you know what Claire actually thinks about me getting on the team? Do you think she actually believes in me here?" Jack asked, and I was seeing him looking like he was suddenly becoming much more modest, and that he was almost worried about what the answer was going to be. Almost as if he was aware that in the grand scheme of things, he was not that good, but did not want anybody to admit it to him.

"I think that she really wants you to do it. I mean, she was talking about you a lot lately." After she was telling Jack this, I was seeing that Jack was sort of looking like he was letting that confirmation take him with a bit of pride. I was seeing that Jack was genuinely looking like he was wanting to say more, but did not have any clue on what was going to keep him going now.

"I know that she wants me to do it. But if I fail, and I do not get on the team, then I will feel so bad for her. I will feel like I made a big mistake." Jack said, and I was hearing the regret in his voice. Almost as if he was genuinely feeling like he would have made a huge mistake in dealing with this whole thing now. I was thinking about what I was actually doing now, and I was feeling like maybe I could reach out to Jack to try and make him feel better.

"Do you think that you can talk with her a bit on what you are thinking is about to happen?" I asked, and then I was looking at him, and he was clearly looking like if he had done something like this, then he would only be making things worse, and that he was not wanting to even take the risk to do something like this, and that he was just thinking about how he was going to get out of this.

"No, I think I will just need to talk with her, and see what she is feeling here." After Jack was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was starting to feel like he was going to be a bit more of a man on this, and then I was feeling like maybe this was when we needed Lydia to be coming along and giving us something to help us out. I was going to see what Lydia would have wanted to do to make it work out.

"I think that you are just too worried about this. I mean, most of the people who apply for the team are not that good in the first place." After Lydia was saying this, I was seeing that Jack was wanting to pretend like he was able to see it that way, but at the same time, I was just clearly seeing that he was wishing to see what was going to be said now. But in a way, I was feeling like we were sort of just going to be wasting our time with all of this now.

"I will try to be looking at it this way, I mean I doubt that it will be that easy, but I want it to be this easy." After Jack had said that to me, I was seeing him sort of looking a bit confused on what was going to be done now, and I was feeling like I was just going to have to see what Jack was feeling at that rate.

"Jack, what are you planning on doing if you do not make the team? Are you going to keep coming back and trying again at a different year?" After I was asking him this, I was seeing Jack looking totally unsure at this, and I was feeling like even the suggestion of him doing it at a different year was just going to be a hard goal for him to really reach out towards.

"I will have to maybe try a different team or something. Maybe just playing a different sport. This whole thing is something I don't even want to consider." After Jack was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was totally cool with whatever was happening at that rate. But at the same time, everything that was going on with him was just a bit strange to look at.

"Jack, if you feel like this is your passion, then there is no real reason to not continue going with it." After Lydia was telling Jack this, I was seeing that Jack was clearly looking unsure of what he was going to tell me. I was seeing that Jack wanted to get on this team really badly, and that it was the only thing that really even mattered at all. But at the same time, I was seeing Jack just looking a bit worried about a bunch of different things.

"It is not really a passion. It is the only thing that I want to do." Jack was telling me, and I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say something different, but that there was no real need to say more. He was feeling like anything that he would have said was just going to make people sort of just not even really process what he was doing.

"And if Claire wants to help me get there, and she feels like we can make a difference, then I feel like we are going to get somewhere better here. I think that seeing people know that I am able to be good, then I think that this is more important." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more, but just clearly had no real plans to go further with all of that stuff.

Eventually, we were getting to the door, and then I was seeing Lydia knocking on the door. I was seeing that she was sort of looking like she was making peace over all that had happened a few days ago, and that she had known that deep down, it was probably not her fault, and even if it was, then she was feeling like maybe just being there for Claire would have been enough for a redemption story, and that there was not much else she was going to get out of this whole thing, as much as she had hated to admit it all.

"I feel like with each passing day, Claire is sort of coming back to her own. I think that it was really the initial reaction that got to her." Lydia said, and I was unsure if she was saying that to make herself feel better, or if it was the truth, and I was feeling like I needed to just not say anything, because truly deep down, I knew damn well I had no idea what the hell Lydia or Claire were going through and it was not my place to be saying anything on the idea that I might be wrong.

Eventually, Claire answered the door, and she was looking right at us, and she was looking almost uncertain of what to be saying now. She was almost looking like she was wanting to be saying more. Almost like she was needing to be saying more. But she was feeling like maybe this was something that she was able to go along with. "Hey, how are you guys doing?" Claire asked, and while the initial reaction was one of subdued uncertainty when I look back, she was looking like she was genuinely just glad to be seeing that literally anybody was willing to be speaking to her in a way. As if she was feeling like there was no way in hell she was not going to be glad that somebody wanted to finally see how she wads doing.

"We were just wanting to see if you were planning on maybe hanging out for a bit or something?" Lydia asked, and I was seeing her looking like she was genuinely wanting to see how Claire was going to react. I was seeing her looking like she was just needing to be seeing how this was going to head. But as we were looking at each other, and I was looking at Jack, to see how he was going to react, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to just keep himself together a bit longer now.

"I was wondering when you were planning on coming back." Claire said, and she was glancing at me worried for a second, and I was looking down, and I was not able to blame her for feeling this way, and I was hating what I had done, and I was wanting to see if she was doing well. Claire was looking right at Lydia, and I was seeing that Lydia was just sort of giving her the look that would indicate that she was willing to put it all behind her, and when she was doing this, I was seeing that Claire herself was sort of just looking like she was getting over the idea in a way.

"Alright, well you guys can come in if you wanted." After Claire was saying this to us, I was seeing her looking like she was sort of willing to place this all behind us, and that she was going to just see how this was even coming together. I was feeling like maybe Lydia and Claire were just sort of willing to pretend like this was not all that big of a deal, and in a way, maybe they were feeling like this was all fine, and that it was just a short moment.

"Claire, how have you been holding up?" Jack asked, and I was seeing him looking like he was just wanting to get right to the point in his mind. The main thing that he had felt like was going to be mattering. I was seeing that Claire was looking at him, and she was just sort of looking like she was glad to be seeing that Jack was willing to actually make her feel almost welcome in a way. I was seeing that this was the one thing that she had wanted more than anything else.

"I just feel like I am going to be alright. I was wondering how you were doing. If you were planning on going out to that sporting team." Claire had asked Jack, and I was seeing him looking down, as if almost finding that question to be the one that was going to be the hardest for him to truly adapt to, and that he was just needing to pretend like he was not having a huge issue with this whole thing here.

"Honestly, I think that joining the team is the main thing that matters. I just want to try out the application when school gets back. I know that people are wanting to see me try, and I want to try. I think that it is the only thing that I want to do." Jack was saying, and I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to go above and beyond with this whole thing, despite how hard it would have been to act like this was fine, I was just seeing that maybe Jack was going to be the man everybody wanted him to be soon enough.

"Good luck on it. I really think you would be good. I saw you pretty good in the few times you played." After Claire was saying this, I was seeing her looking like she was slightly worried about saying this. Due to the fact that her face was red, and I was feeling like she was just too scared to admit that she thought he was good, and that she was worried that he would have taken it a bit too seriously or something. I really did not get it.

"I am not that good. But I am good enough to train that Max guy, so maybe I am not all that bad after all. I mean, I wanted to help him out, so I decided to just give it a go." After Jack was saying this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be saying more, but was feeling like there was no need to continue doing this, and that he was alright enough here.

"But if I get on the team, and I can start to prove people for what I want to accomplish, they will at least be willing to give it a go." After Jack was saying this to Claire, I was seeing him sort of looking like he was wanting to say something else, but that he was feeling like maybe we were going to be having a long path ahead of us, and that this was a path he was unsure of if he was wanting to actually go on through and fully cross.

"Jack, what are you going to do when you get on the team? Do you have any friends that you plan on getting to join you on the team?" I asked, and I was feeling like the question was a valid one, and I was feeling like maybe I was just going to have to be seeing what the hell Jack was actually feeling. I had no idea what the heck Jack was feeling, and I was feeling like if I even tried to see how he was feeling, he would have gone crazy, and he could have thought that I was only pretending to be interested in this.

"I am going to just see how I even perform. And if I make some friends, and they like me, then I will try ti introduce them next year, and slowly I can get the whole team to be just me and my friends." Jack was saying, and I was seeing that he was wanting to go through with that idea, and that he was wanting to actually see what we were going to react with here. But in a way, I was feeling like what he was suggesting was almost insane.

"And if I make the team, I am going to try and get you guys to maybe watch some of my games. I think that you might enjoy something like that." After Jack was saying this to us, I was seeing him almost looking like he was just wanting us to affirm this, and that he was not wanting us to act like this was a tall order. But in a way, I was feeling like Claire and Lydia and their friends were going to be too busy to go on and watch his games, even if I knew that Claire at least wanted to.

"So what are you wanting to do tonight?" Claire asked, and I was seeing that she was clearly wanting to get the subject to one that she was feeling would actually interest us, and not be sort of only focusing on some of us in a way. I was feeling like whatever Claire was going to do would have been a bit rough to accomplish. But in a way, I was thinking that as long as she was wanting to help, she was more than allowed to give it a go, and that nobody was going to be stopping her from giving this a go. As we were looking at each other, and all thinking of ideas on where to go, I was feeling like maybe we were going to just have o sort of see what was even going to keep it all in one area of focus.