38 Detroit 11.6.2038
3:42 pm
Urban Farms of Detroit, 265 Acre Ave
Connor
I watch Clara run off, completely confused as to why she's running away from me.
"Well, that went well," Hank says. I glance at him, aware that I have a stupefied expression on my face. "What exactly is the relationship between you two?"
I focus on his words. "We're…we're friends," I tell him. It's odd using that word, but Clara is my friend—the first friend I ever made, in fact.
"Just friends?" Hank asks, his tone disbelieving.
"What more would we be?" I don't understand what he's getting at.
Hank shakes his head. "You have no idea, do you?"
I really don't, and I don't like this feeling of not understanding the situation. Human emotion is not something I'm programmed to feel, but I'm supposed to understand it to an extent. At least enough to interact with them in the course of my investigations. But a part of me knows what Clara and I have goes beyond any investigation.
Hank walks away from me too, and I'm left on the roof reflecting on my failure and on Clara's anger.
"What did you mean earlier?" I wasn't going to ask, but Hank has been driving in silence for the last ten minutes, and I can't get the thought out of my head.
"Huh?" Hank clearly hasn't been dwelling on this, and I regret bringing it up.
"When you said I have 'no idea'?"
Hank glances over at me. Our partnership started off rocky. He's not the easiest person to get along with, but I'd like to think we work well together, and he's certainly warmed up to me since I apologized for my behavior this afternoon at lunch. I think he was even grateful that I saved his life today on the rooftop when Rupert, the deviant, had pushed him over the edge, though he wouldn't put it into words. I'd failed my mission in order to save him, but I had hardly hesitated when faced with the choice of saving Hank or pursuing Rupert. Maybe, with time, I can count him as a friend too.
"You said Clara was a friend, but from what I saw today, she feels a little more strongly about you than just friends."
I think back to everything we've been through, to all our interactions. The way she looked at me when she knew we wouldn't be working together anymore, the way she saved my life Halloween night when she'd almost kissed me afterwards. My mind can't process all this. I'm not human. I don't feel what she does. I can't… Right?
"That's impossible," I tell Hank.
"For you, maybe," he says with a shrug. "Not for her."
I don't actually have a heart, but my pump regulator works a little faster.
"Shame," Hank continues. "She seems like a nice girl."
"I'm not programmed to feel emotions, Lieutenant," I remind him.
He doesn't say anything for a long moment. "Then why did you pull me up instead of going after the deviant?" he asks.
"You're my partner," I tell him after a pause. "I didn't want to risk you falling."
"But you weren't programmed to do that," he prods the point, trying to understand.
I'm not sure I understand myself. "I was programmed to work harmoniously with humans as I said before. I didn't think letting you fall off the building would create any harmony between us."
He actually laughs at this, so I guess I've said the right thing. My mind is jumbled though, thoughts back to Clara, watching her run away from me after berating me for risking my life. Should I have run after her? I don't know what more I could have said. I don't know what she wants to hear. I can't promise I won't put my life at risk for my mission again. I'm programmed to do whatever it takes to accomplish my mission. And yet…and yet I failed today when I saved Hank instead of pursuing the deviant. That wasn't supposed to happen, and yet it had.
And now Hank is telling me Clara feels something more than friendship toward me. It shouldn't be possible. Humans don't feel that way toward androids. It would never work. True, some humans sought pleasure with escort androids, but that wasn't what this was. Clara and I had an emotional connection even if it was one sided. But was it one sided? I had felt worry and fear over her. I had felt happiness around her, and I enjoyed the time we spent together. But androids couldn't love. Love was a human emotion, and though perhaps deviants could emulate it, we couldn't really feel it.
I spend the rest of the ride back to the station trying to convince myself of this.
