The office was understandably quiet as the couple quietly stared at one another. A tense feeling washed over them as they both tried to make sense of everything from their different standpoints. Temari's earlier insistence that he wrote to her smacked her upside the head, causing her even more confusion. Nothing made sense. She knew damn well she'd written him several times while staying in Konoha.
"I didn't write back at first," Gaara confessed quietly, holding her gaze. He felt her try to pull away, but he held onto her. "I didn't know what to say, I wanted to come to Konoha but Temari wasn't having it. I had to stay in Suna, but it was...agonizing.
I already felt guilty for leaving you behind to sort everything else by yourself and now on top of that, I get a letter that you've miscarried a pregnancy neither of us were aware of. Nothing I said in a letter would have been good enough."
Xin felt some of the tension ease, but she was still upset with him. She could see it from his perspective, she was still beating herself up over it despite it not being her fault. But still...just a simple 'you'll be okay' would have been appreciated.
"Temari was upset that I didn't write anything. She and Kankuro lectured me about it and she practically forced me to write you a letter. She didn't read it, but she wouldn't leave until she was sure I wrote this time. You never said anything back, but I kept sending you letters but nothing came of it."
Xin blinked up at him, struggling to wrap her brain around the revelation. That didn't make sense. None of it made sense.
"Gaara, I wrote a letter every single week. I was the one waiting for something, but nothing ever came."
"This doesn't make any sense," Gaara muttered, thinking hard. "Tsunade sent letters and the letters I sent back to her were always received. It doesn't make sense that our correspondence was interrupted but the one I had with Tsunade was just fine."
Xin pursed her lips, utterly at a loss. It didn't make any sense that the both of them claimed they were corresponding, yet nothing ever came of it. Especially since Tsunade's letters made it there just fine.
Something was up.
Gaara took a deep breath and coaxed her to him once more, hands threaded together and resting at her lower back. "In any case.." he rumbled, talking against her lips. They weren't done trying to figure out what went wrong, but she would relent for the moment. What was important was that she was finally home.
"Did you miss me?" she grinned against his mouth, anger and confusion forgotten for the moment.
"Don't be coy."
Before she could say much else, someone knocked at the door. Gaara chose to ignore it, too busy peppering her jaw with kisses. "Gaara, someone's at the door," she reminded him, laughing breathlessly when he pressed a kiss just under her ear.
"They'll go away."
Xin laughed again but managed to untangle herself from him and took a step back. She smoothed the wrinkles from her clothes away, making it a point to avoid Gaara's gaze. He grumbled incoherently under his breath and folded his arms tightly against his chest. With a loud grunt, the door opened.
"Kazekage-sama," Jura cheerfully greeted, stopping abruptly at the sight of Xin. She smiled warmly at him, rocking innocently on her feet. He turned back to Gaara, blankly watching as Gaara continued to lazily recline against his desk with his arms folded. "That's not funny," he pointed at her, under the same impression Gaara had been.
"I didn't think so either," Gaara shrugged a casual shoulder.
Xin was amused but she shook her head. "For fuck's sake…" she rolled her eyes. "Jura, it's me!"
Jura squinted at her, not sure if he believed her or not. But she stood there, looking both annoyed and amused with her arms out to him and suddenly he just knew. Without warning, he charged forward. "Holy shit!" he cheered, sweeping her up in toned arms. "Oh my God, you're back!" Jura hugged her close, squeezing tightly while she laughed. She managed to free her arms from his grip, throwing them around his neck. "Are you better now? Did you remember everything?"
Xin continued to laugh, throwing her head back in joy. "I remember, I remember!" she answered jovially. "I just got here about an hour ago, Kankuro thought it would be nice to surprise Gaara."
"Kazekage-sama doesn't like surprises."
"I know."
Jura grinned widely, happiness rolling off of him in waves. He set her back on her feet but kept his arms around her. He hadn't been expecting a surprise like this, exhausted from his mission, but now he felt completely energized. He leaned down; arms so tight around her that it nearly hurt. "Not so tight, Jura, I'm not going to vanish into thin air," Xin jeered, smacking at his shoulder.
"We can't be sure," Jura shot back. He let her go completely only to cup the back of her head. "You're sure you're alright?" he asked slowly while she nodded enthusiastically.
"Peachy keen!"
For a moment, his vision flickered and instead of Xin's smile, he could see her screaming. Surrounded by dead bodies, blood splattered everywhere and mind on the brink of shattering, he could see her screaming.
He still has those dreams, seven months later.
He could tell that she was lying, that she still had some issues to work out. Whether the issues were connected to her psychotic break or something else was anyone's guess. He learned as much from Ukyo that despite healing, there would always be a small inkling of trauma left behind.
"Ukyo's gonna flip," he grinned widely, all teeth despite his somber thoughts. Xin's smile toned done, eyes becoming almost foggy at the mention of the younger girl. "She's out on a mission right now."
"A mission?" Xin's eyebrows shot up her forehead.
"Yeah, Kankuro recently decided to let her back on missions, mostly as a medic-nin," Jura explained while folding his arms across his chest. Truthfully, he wanted to wrap Xin back up in his arms and never let her go. But that would be pushing it, they were friends and nothing more.
Xin glanced towards Gaara, biting her bottom lip. "It was a C-ranked mission," the redhead assured her. She didn't seem all that convinced, anything could happen while being out on a mission. A low ranked C mission could easily turn into an A-ranked mission. "She'll be fine, Xin. She's not helpless."
"We've gotta celebrate," Jura said quickly in a bid to steer the direction of the conversation elsewhere. He didn't want to get her down so quickly after finally coming back. They'd been waiting months for her and nothing could ruin it.
Except maybe Yoshi.
The redhead let herself in, pausing to assess the occupants of the room. Her lips puckered in thought, dark eyes falling onto Xin. She squinted slightly at the sight of the other woman, a dark gleam to her eyes. Xin glanced at the woman, frowning. "What's this?" she asked in a dead tone, motioning to Yoshi. "What's her role and why wouldn't she let me in the office?"
Gaara turned his stare towards Yoshi, a look of disbelief causing her to visibly slump. "You wouldn't let her in, Yoshi?"
"I need an appointment, apparently."
Gaara looked fed up, "Yoshi."
"Kazekage-sama, we can't just let anyone into your office! There're important documents here and I couldn't let Konoha ninja just wander in here. I didn't know their intentions!" Yoshi insisted, stepping around Xin and Jura. They both watched her, Xin looking somewhat bewildered while Jura sighed. It was a given that the woman would clash but Jura figured it would at least be a day or two, not as soon as Xin got back.
"Oi," Xin broke off from Jura, one finger jabbed into Yoshi's face. "Konoha ninja are a lot of things but thieves are not one of them, my team can be trusted here."
Jura rubbed the back of his neck. "Yoshi, Xin is Kazekage-sama's wife, I don't think she needs an appointment."
"How was I supposed to know that?"
"You know what Xin looks like, Yoshi," Gaara was not amused. "If you weren't aware, for whatever reason, I'm sure you could have made an educated guess. If a team from Konoha shows up, I'm sure it could be assumed that one of them would be Xin," Gaara pointed out, not at all surprised with Yoshi's behavior. "I've told you before that you've gone overboard with your duties."
"And what exactly are those duties?" Xin cut in, hands on her hips.
"She's my assistant."
Xin's eyebrows shot up her forehead again. Jura reached out, hand resting at her waist, just in case. "She's your what?" her head tilted to the side; lips puckered in thought. Jura's hand curled into the fabric of her top, ready to yank her backwards.
"Xin—"
"Since when have you needed an assistant?"
"It's a very stressful job," Yoshi pointed out, irritated that Xin spoke as if she wasn't even standing there. She hadn't been here for the past seven months! What gave her the right to come back and ask these questions?
"He was doing just fine when Temari and I assisted him."
"Well, Hyuga-san," Yoshi began curtly with a snide look. "While I'm sure you and Temari helped as much as you could, neither of you are trained for a stressful job such as this one."
"Are you saying that I'm incapable?"
"I didn't say that specifically but if that's what you gathered from it—"
"You know what I'm about to gather?" Xin cut her off, shoulders squaring as she began stomping towards Yoshi. Ready for such an occurrence, Jura easily slipped his arm around Xin and dragged her back to his side, pinning her there.
"Woah, woah!" Jura exclaimed, grip tight on Xin. "It's a bit early for a murder, yeah? Xin, how about we get you back home so you can shower? We're gonna celebrate you coming back. Maybe we can all go to that barbecue restaurant," he began chattering relentlessly, dragging her back towards the door. "How about it, Kazekage-sama?"
"It's a good idea," Gaara said quickly, not in the mood for a murder as well. He didn't like the idea of Xin going off so early with Jura but figured it was for the best. "Yoshi, we'll have another discussion about boundaries before I leave," he directed at his assistant, eyes narrowed in annoyance.
"Great!" Jura cheered, slipping out of the office with Xin in tow.
Everything was already looking up.
"—an assistant, she says! Can you believe that, the fuck does he need an assistant for?" Xin ranted angrily while violently dragging her brush through her hair.
Hinata cringed at the rough treatment and snatched it away from her sister before she could rip her hair out of her scalp. "Well, I suppose being a Kage could be stressful," she murmured softly, treading the brush through Xin's hair with a gentle touch.
"He was doing just fine when Temari and I helped."
"You've been in Konoha for half a year and I suppose Temari isn't always available."
"You're supposed to be on my side."
"I'm always on your side," Hinata laughed, coming to a wet knot. She worked through it gingerly. "Although I will say that her attitude is unfavorable."
"You are far too kind, sis," she replied, not unkindly, with a soft smile before her attitude changed completely. "Something's up, Gaara hasn't received any of the letters I sent to him."
Hinata paused, blinking down at her sister's head. "How can that be?"
"I'm not sure but he said he sent me letters as well that I never got."
Hinata's usually kind eyes narrowed in thought. "You two have been corresponding and yet no letter has been received?" she asked, just to confirm. Xin only nodded, fingers twitching in agitation. "Oh dear…" she trailed off, a little nervous.
"I want to know where the hell those letters are and whose withholding them," Xin confessed quietly. "And when I find out, I'm breaking someone's shit in half."
"I thought we were working on your violence."
"It wouldn't be me if it weren't violent."
"Just because that's true doesn't make it right."
Xin smiled despite her dark emotions, appreciating that her sister hadn't left for Konoha yet. She hadn't realized how attached she had become to Hinata during her bout of amnesia. It was like she had the chance to get to know her sister all over again without her misery dogging at her heels. She would truly miss her once she left for Konoha.
"It probably has something to do with his council," Hinata murmured quietly, setting the brush aside. She weaved her fingers through Xin's hair, humming softly in thought. "You've said before that they're not fond of you. You threatened that Mai woman before, didn't you?"
"Well yeah but goddamn, what kind of evil shit is that to steal our letters? What the hell did they think we discussed in those letters? Suna's secrets?" Xin snorted in annoyance. "Okay, I threatened to kill Mai's family but that old witch had it coming. How the hell did they expect me to act when I witnessed Gaara being blown up and carried off to be killed?"
Hinata tried not to laugh, knowing that Xin had a point. Perhaps she wouldn't threaten to murder someone's family, but she would be angry if someone kept her from protecting Naruto if he were in danger. Especially if it was the kind of danger Gaara had been in.
"You know they'll never make it easy for you," Hinata pointed out in a soft tone, shifting around until she was seated on the edge of the bed next to Xin. During their time together in Konoha, Xin remembered and confided to Hinata about the tension between her and Suna's council.
Xin leaned backwards on her hands, sighing heavily. "Yeah, I've accepted that they'll never make anything easy. Honestly, if they are behind this, they know all about the miscarriage. They'll probably try to talk Gaara into divorcing me since I can't carry a child."
"Xin, that's not true. We can't say for sure that you can't carry children. You were under a lot of stress during that time and your body suffered because of it. Your body is usually in peak condition."
She didn't immediately reply, staring at nothing for a long time. "Mom could barely carry her three pregnancies," she whispered nearly under her breath. "What if it's the same for me? What if I'm just not meant to carry children?"
"Then you'll adopt. I'm sure this situation won't change how Gaara feels for you. It's understandable that you miscarried since you were under so much stress. No one blames you; you must know that. The Council may try to say otherwise but it's up to you to let them knock you down and keep you down."
She noticed that after her words, Xin's expression seemed softer, more at ease. She was positive that Xin would always carry guilt over the miscarriage for the rest of her life. There was no helping it, she would never forgive her body for betraying her. Perhaps it would get easier to carry but she would always carry the guilt, no matter what.
The door swung open, halting their conversation. Naruto came waltzing into the bedroom, grinning as he did. "Aren't you girls ready yet?" he asked loudly, stopping in front of the two. "We've been waiting forever!"
"You're exaggerating, Naruto-kun," Hinata mused.
"And don't you know how to knock?" Xin scowled.
Naruto grinned innocently before effortlessly scooping up Hinata. She went with a squeal, gripping at his back after being thrown over his shoulder. Xin let out a surprised squeak when he reached forward again, grabbing her and holding her under his arm by her middle. "Naruto!"
"Time to go!"
When Gaara finally arrived, albeit late, to the restaurant, he immediately went straight to Xin. Her eyes brightened the minute she spotted him, standing up to throw her arms around him. She didn't care that Kankuro, Naruto and Jura immediately began poking fun at the display of affection.
She waited seven months for this, goddammit, and no one was going to keep that from her. Knowing they wouldn't shut up either way, she pulled her face from Gaara's neck and dramatically planted a kiss on his mouth. The three of them loudly groaned and Xin pulled back with a cackle.
The night was spent celebrating, drinking and toasting to Xin's recovery and return. She was glad to be surrounded by such cheer but deep down, guilt gnawed at her insides. Despite Hinata's earlier words of encouragement, her miscarriage weighed heavily on her mind.
It was an understandably short conversation between her and Gaara at the time, but she couldn't help agonizing over it. There were other ways to have children and she wasn't sure if she couldn't handle a pregnancy, like Hinata had said. But still…she felt like everyone was unknowingly celebrating the death of her child.
It was a dark thought and obviously not true, but the guilt persisted despite her rational thoughts. It was like she couldn't help it.
Realizing that she was beginning to feel overwhelmed, she quickly excused herself. She found herself outside of the restaurant, back pressed against the wall as she took a deep breath. It served to ground her, to steady all of her frazzled emotions.
Her fingers twitched and for a moment, she wished she had a cigarette. She nearly picked up the habit with more frequency, but Sakura wouldn't have it. Sakura and Ino teamed up and practically bullied Xin out of the habit despite her argument that it helped with stress.
What if smoking was one of the reasons her body rejected the pregnancy? Maybe her insides had been turned to tar because of the nicotine.
Xin rubbed her fingers against the wall, trying to snuff out the need. She was being ridiculous, she knew that without anyone telling her, but it was still so hard for her to get a proper grip.
"What are you out here agonizing over?"
The young Hyuga glanced up, blinking at the sight of Sasuke. Her eyebrows twitched as she squinted up at him, lips twisting in thought. "Did Hinata send you out here?" she asked with a sigh, ignoring his question. "I just needed some air."
"She didn't," Sasuke answered easily, leaning against the wall next to the smaller woman. "You've touched your stomach a lot tonight."
"I'm fine—"
"Lie to your husband, not to me."
Xin took a deep breath and rolled her eyes. "What's with you lately? Since when have you been so concerned? Did Sakura and Mikoto put you in therapy too?"
Sasuke didn't immediately answer, finding the moon far more interesting. Xin leaned her head against the wall, watching the moon as well. She didn't mind the silence, not the kind of silence shared between a Hyuga and Uchiha. She knew that she had to be more upfront with her feelings but didn't want to saddle Sasuke with her emotional problems.
"You know that I don't hate you, don't you?" Sasuke suddenly asked, ruining the silence. She turned her head, confused gaze falling on him. "We've been friends for a long time, before entering the academy."
"I know," Xin agreed slowly. It was weird to hear Sasuke say such a thing. He was never one for sentiments, not that it ever bothered her. They'd always had an antagonistic friendship that was unlike the rest of their friendships with everyone else. "I'm never going to be okay; you know? A miscarriage..well I don't expect you to know but it's an ache unlike anything else."
Sasuke was quiet while her eyes were far away at the moment. She was probably reliving that horrible incident in his bathroom. "It's just...hard."
"It's always going to be hard," Sasuke replied evenly. "Whether you let it keep you down or not is what's up to you. I'm not saying what you experienced is easy to brush off but...you have to keep going."
It was silent again and Xin continued to stare at the Uchiha. "I know that you're trying to be a good friend, but I have to admit that this is really weird."
Sasuke glared at her before pushing off of the wall. "Fuck off, Hyuga."
"Wait, no, come back! I was just joking!" Xin laughed while watching him go. She wasn't alone for too long when Naruto joined her, sporting his signature grin. Xin smiled up at him, wondering if Hinata would appear next.
"What'cha doing out here? The party is for you, last time I checked."
"Just needed some air," she shrugged a casual shoulder and watched the big blond with an expectant look. Naruto took Sasuke's place, leaning against the wall next to her. "Yen for your thoughts?" she prompted with a curly smile.
"You know, it's still really hard to believe that your marriage was just an arrangement," Naruto finally admitted, staring at nothing in particular. "I felt angry when I overheard Sakura say it. Gaara has been a good friend and you and I have been friends since we were kids so you guys lying about the marriage…"
Xin didn't reply, she was fully aware that the majority of her friends felt like she betrayed them by not telling the truth. While she insisted that no one was really concerned for her wellbeing, it had been pointed out that Xin wasn't concerned about anyone either. She had lied to them about a big part of her life and continued on with no issue.
"I tried to think of the handful of times that I saw you together, that there was a sign that your relationship wasn't we thought it was. You guys were really good at making it seem like you were in love."
"We had to make it believable," Xin chuckled softly, fingers twitching. Naruto noticed the twitching and reached forward, grabbing at her hands and engulfing them in his larger grip. "We didn't get along very well at first, but things worked out the way they were supposed to."
Naruto smiled gently, studying her hands. She wasn't sure what was going through his head as he focused on her wedding bands. "You guys are so happy. I don't think Gaara even acknowledged the rest of us when he first came in."
A blush heated her face and she tried in vain to hide it by looking away. "I want that," he confessed in a tone that was surprisingly soft.
"You probably could have had it, but you were too busy chasing after Sakura," Xin pointed out smartly. Naruto swiped a thumb across her knuckles, focused now on her patchwork of tiny scars.
"Yeah, I pretty much had tunnel vision.."
"I think she'd marry you in a heartbeat. Hinata, I mean."
Naruto's thumbnail pressed into her skin; a silence fell over them. "It's...what if I mess up? What if I make her unhappy?" he asked in a quiet tone, completely unlike himself. Naruto and Xin were alike in many ways, which is why they got along so well. Naruto was loud and boisterous and often bulldozed his way through life. Xin simply wasn't used to him being so quiet and uncertain.
"Well, honestly, there's no way to really know. There's going to be days when you mess up and the relationship gets hard. One of you will get upset with the other but…" she trailed off, trying hard not to cringe. "That's the thing about love. It's not always perfect and grand. It's hard and ugly and sad sometimes.
But you work through it and you talk things out and learn to compromise. You don't just live for yourself anymore, there's someone waiting for you," Xin explained as best she could, a far off look in her eyes again. "You could never make my sister unhappy. Annoyed, maybe. Angry. But not unhappy, never unhappy,"
Naruto's blue eyes roved over Xin's face, taking note of her relaxed expression. "You've just started dating so maybe rushing into marriage isn't ideal…" she trailed off as that relaxed, vacant expression vanished. She was smiling in amusement. "But then again, I literally only knew my husband for maybe half a year before marrying him, so…"
Naruto laughed at that, snorting boyishly at her joke. "Love is funny, you know?" Xin hummed, tilting her head back against the wall, eyes closing. "It's funny and scary but it's fun. It's so fun. Being married to someone you love, to your best friend is a different feeling. I completely recommend."
"So, I have your approval?"
"Why not? She's been in love with you since we were kids. You...I think you might love her, or, you're getting there. Whatever makes her happy. Although I'm not sure why you'd need my approval in the first place."
"Because you love her and want the best for her," Naruto pointed out simply. "She still beats herself up over everything that happened with you. Not being able to tell that your relationship with Gaara wasn't real."
"S'not her fault. I made it a point to keep it a secret."
Naruto only shrugged, deciding not to argue. Everyone was to blame. Xin, for keeping her secrets and the rest of them for blindingly believing her lies. It would take a long time to repair and rebuild the shattered trust, but he was certain it was possible. Even within a week's travel away, it was possible.
"Besides, shouldn't you be more worried about getting our dad's approval? Or Neji?"
"Maybe. But I'll just tell them that you knew and encouraged me to marry Hinata."
"Wow."
Naruto let out a bark of laughter, releasing her hand to sling his arm around her neck. He pulled her towards him, hugging her tightly. Xin threaded her arms around his torso, chuckling softly. "Just take care of my sister and everything will be fine."
The big blond pulled her back inside after that, stepping into the middle of Kankuro wildly retelling everyone about the time Xin threw a bench at a person. Pensive mood forgotten, Xin quickly jumped into the conversation, defending her actions and pointing out that she 'hadn't killed the motherfucker, at least!'
Gaara's eyes fell on her the minute Naruto dragged her back into the restaurant. He was relieved to see her smiling broadly but he still worried for her. They still had a lot to discuss such as her progress, her relationships, her miscarriage and their missing letters.
It was still hard to think that she had been pregnant. They could have had a child and they were only nineteen. He had no idea if he'd even make a good father, it's not like he had the best example growing up. And besides that, she'd thrown herself into danger, chasing him down and fighting psychopaths off while pregnant.
They could have been parents, he realized somberly.
And how she must have felt, in that goddamn bathroom, alone and bleeding everywhere. Watching the proof of their child escape her, staining her thighs. He wished he could've been there, to wrap her up and comfort her while she inevitably blamed herself. To tell her that it was okay, and it wasn't her fault and he loved her the same.
Where the hell were those letters?
He wondered for the first time if it wasn't Xin that was forsaken by the Gods but the two of them as a couple. Were they just meant to have a difficult life until they finally died? Would they ever be completely happy?
Of course, he didn't really believe that, it was already enough that Xin constantly had her doubts. It wouldn't really help the situation if Gaara began doubting things. He had to be levelheaded enough for the both of them until she understood that yes, she deserved to be happy. They deserved to be happy together.
His thoughts were put on hold when Hinata dropped into the chair next to him. The rest of the party carried on loudly, sharing laughs and different anecdotes of Xin's whacked out situations that only seemed to happen to her, leaving Hinata and Gaara in a small bubble of peace.
"Xin told me that her letters were never received and that you also wrote letters that were never found," Hinata began quietly, smiling as Xin and Kankuro bickered over one thing or another. It wasn't often that she got to see how Xin interacted with Kankuro and Temari, but she was glad to see them getting along so easily. "Is that true?"
"It is," Gaara answered truthfully, wondering where Hinata was going with this conversation.
The oldest Hyuga nodded slowly, face drawn as she rolled her thoughts over in her head. "She was really upset for a long time once she realized that you weren't writing back. She didn't say it out loud, but I knew she was blaming herself for the miscarriage," Hinata told him, eyes dropping to her lap. "She didn't speak much for a while after it happened."
Gaara kept his eyes on Xin, watching as she smacked the table to get her point across. Despite her aggressive actions, her face split into a smile as she defended her violent actions. He felt his stomach sink uncomfortably as Hinata's words burrowed into his ears.
"I don't think she'll ever tell you this, but I think it's important for you to know," Hinata said after a pause. She leaned in closer, voice dropping into low murmurs. "I'm not sure if she still believes this but she was sure that her miscarriage was punishment from the Gods. Xin has a special knack of not dying and she believed that the Gods wanted some sort of retribution.."
Hinata paused, eyes watching him unabashedly. "We all knew that wasn't the case. She was under a lot of stress, she wanted to remember but she didn't want to remember at the same time. It's not my place to tell you everything but just know that she'll probably never forgive herself."
Hinata's words stung. They were true, Xin would never really forgive herself. It didn't matter that everyone would try to convince her that it wasn't her fault. Rationally she knew that she didn't have any control over it, but it didn't matter. It would always be her fault. It would always be retribution for being a willing murderer.
"I know she won't," he replied after a long pause.
"I trust that you'll take care of her," Hinata murmured with a voice laced with steel. "The letters, I hope they'll be found and whoever is hiding them will be dealt with."
Arms folded tightly across his chest, Gaara looked Hinata straight in the eye. Despite the two being twins, it was always easy to tell the difference between Xin and Hinata. Their choice of clothing, their mannerisms, the length of their hair or even the way they smiled.
But now, he'd seen that look in Xin's eyes many times before. That look of cold steel, of unwavering fire and dauntless strength. The look Xin had right before a nasty argument. The look that took over right before she knocked someone's jaw off. There was no telling Xin from Hinata at that moment.
Gaara was staring at the Will of Fire in the face.
"The letters will be found and whoever is responsible will be dealt with," Gaara answered in a careful tone while holding her gaze. It was easy to forget that Hinata was the true heiress of the Hyuga, that she was just as dangerous as Xin or Neji. At that moment, he wasn't sure which Hyuga would be easier to deal with. The hot-tempered Xin, the steel-edged Neji or Hinata's gentle facade.
Gaara was powerful in his own right and didn't scare easily but he wasn't sure if he'd ever want to deal with the hassle of Hinata's wrath. Something told him that she could do a surprisingly amount of damage if pushed enough.
"And you can trust that I will take care of her," he said in a firm tone. He would take heed of her silent warning, but he wouldn't back down. "She's not used to being taken care of, but she'll get used to it," he insisted, knowing it was a bit petty to take a jab, but he almost felt the need to do it.
The conversation ended there, not that either were bothered by it. There wasn't any bad blood between the two of them, both aware that they just cared too much for Xin. If Hinata was going to leave Xin in Suna to live her life, she wanted to make sure that she would be well taken care of and looked after. Her sister was a capable woman, but she always forgot to take care of herself.
The party carried on for some time before finally ending for the night. The group left together, still sharing raucous laughter as they moved through the village. To Gaara's wry amusement, Jura and Kankuro got along seamlessly with Xin and Naruto. When pointed out by Asuna, Sasuke replied with what he deemed as a reasonable explanation.
"Idiots of a feather flock together."
Hinata tried not to laugh, "birds of a feather flock together, is the saying, Sasuke."
"I know what I said."
The Mikawa siblings eventually parted with the group, Asuna and Jura hugging Xin tightly. They whispered things into her hair, voices far too low for the others to hear but Xin was smiling almost bashfully when she was finally let go. It was far too obvious that the older Mikawa siblings truly missed Xin and were elated to finally have her back. They separated after that, promising to come visit tomorrow.
She was sandwiched between Sasuke and Kankuro for the remainder of the walk back home, frustrating Gaara. He almost felt irritated that he still had to share Xin with everyone else until they would be ready for bed. Of course, he was aware that he hadn't been the only one to miss Xin during her absence. Temari and Kankuro had the right to want to be around her just as much as he wanted as well.
And obviously Naruto's team would want to be around her for as long as possible, knowing that they would eventually leave Suna without her. She'd been with them for seven months and had grown used to having her around, just like old times before she married Gaara. They would miss her after leaving and were trying to soak up as much time with her as possible.
He was patient though. He'd waited around for seven months for Xin to come back; he could wait a little while longer. He hadn't been the only to miss her and he wouldn't be the only one to miss her.
When they finally arrived, Temari was glad to show them where they would be sleeping for the night. Having the same build as her sister, Xin offered a sleeping yukata to Hinata for the night. Gaara busied himself with a shower, offering everyone a goodnight as he and his siblings retired for the evening.
Xin finally joined him two hours later. She stepped into the bedroom, wet hair piled high on her head and dressed in a large black shirt that looked more like a dress on her. She didn't say anything to him, eyes instead roving over the room. It was almost like she was trying to make sure everything was just right. A slow smile graced her lips as she continued to study the bedroom before her gaze finally landed on him.
"We argued about me decorating our bedroom this way," she mused in a soft voice. He was aware that some things would still be foggy for her and could only assume that she suddenly had the memory resurfaced "I hated how plain the room was."
Gaara watched her from the couch. "You hated a lot of things when you first came here, including me," he pointed out with no ill-will, putting aside the scroll he'd been reading over before she came in. He motioned her forward, wanting to just feel her next to him. She immediately crossed the room to sit next to him, sitting up on her knees.
"Oh—well…" she smiled sheepishly. "To be fair, you hated me too."
"No, I really didn't," Gaara chuckled dryly, arms spread across the back of the couch. "I thought you were batshit and a brat, but I didn't hate you. I understood that we asked a lot of you," he confessed quietly, reaching up to swipe his thumb across her cheekbone.
"I'm still batshit," Xin muttered, slowly leaning forward. She inched forward, straddling his waist and sitting comfortably on top of him. She was still smiling when she eased a kiss against his mouth, not noticing that he hadn't reacted.
Gaara's hands settled at her waist but he pulled back slightly, frowning. "Xin, stop," he muttered quietly against his plush lips. It took nearly all of his control to deny her kisses, fingers digging in deeply at her waist. "Tell me about the miscarriage."
He felt her stiffen against him, lips stalled against his mouth. Her legs locked tightly, nearly constricting him like a snake would its prey. She pulled back slowly, fingers slowly curling inwards as she stared at him. Xin's face had gone blank, eyes portraying nothing.
"Why are you asking me about that."
She hadn't worded it as a question, it tumbled from her tongue as a frosty demand.
"Because I don't know anything about it."
"There's nothing to know."
Gaara didn't say anything, fingers tapping at her waist. He watched, gradually, as her walls crumbled. The hard look in Xin's eyes faded, replaced with something akin to a mournful look. "I didn't know I was pregnant," she began in a soft mutter, lips barely moving. "I, uh, bled out in the Uchiha's bathroom. I thought I was finally dying but Itachi rushed me to the hospital—"
She paused, gaze almost becoming vacant as she relieved that nightmare of a day. "I don't know what caused it. Stress, maybe. Or maybe it has to do with my smoking habit or...or...it's my genes. Too much inbreeding in order to keep the family's Dojutsu strong. It could be that I simply can't have children."
Her mouth pinched like she had some awful taste in her mouth. "Sakura said it wasn't my fault but how could it not be?"
"You couldn't control what happened," he spoke in a low tone, ready for her to turn cross. She had every right to be cross about it, to not want to talk about it but he had to understand it. He had to know what she'd gone through; he had the right to know.
"I was nine weeks, you begin to show around ten weeks," she continued on as if he hadn't said anything. He was positive that she heard that same line several times over. She sat back a little, hand falling away from him to prop against her flat stomach. "It was weird to wake up after that and to be told that you miscarried. I couldn't wrap my head around it for a good minute.
It was hard to even accept it. I wasn't really showing any signs, physically. My stomach was still flat, and my hips were wide to begin with, as Sakura said. Some kunoichi don't really show since our bodies are trained into peak condition."
Gaara pulled her hips closer to him, dropping his hands to wrap his arms around her waist. "I went into the bathroom and the blood was...it was just coming out of me. I was getting dizzy and I thought I was going to die. I know I'm a medical ninja and I don't know if it was the amnesia or the panic I was going through, but I couldn't comprehend anything besides that I was going to die in that bathroom."
She didn't seem to even realize that his arms were wrapped around her. There was a faraway look in her eyes, a look she'd been seen sporting frequently these days. Of course, she looked the same to him. Still beautiful with all eyes and plump lips with a cute nose. She looked completely the same but there was something so startlingly different about her. She didn't look tired like she'd been looking the past couple of months before her mind cracked.
Xin looked sad.
It was all in her eyes, in the curve of her lips and the soft set of her jaw. He was sure that she would forever carry that sadness in her face, until the day she finally died. It made his stomach twist and turn because he was aware that he'd never understand what she felt, what she went through. He hadn't even been there to walk her through it, to hold her hand and reassure her that she would be okay.
"I didn't sleep much after that, I was having too many nightmares. Sometimes they were memories and other times they were just made up dreams. It started getting hard to tell what was real and what wasn't. Didn't have a lot to say to anyone either. I didn't tell Sakura or anyone for that matter, but I dreamt of the child a lot. It got to the point of Itachi using his stupid Sharingan on me to get me to sleep."
"Xin…"
"I know, I know," she said quickly, fingers reaching for her messily piled hair. She managed to pull a lock free without disturbing its chaotic perch on top of her head and began pulling harshly on it. "I know it wasn't good, Itachi scolded me for it. I just couldn't help it. I was getting so tired. Everyone kept saying I had to remember but I didn't want to remember shit. I was truly a horrible person before, and I was sure that me going through a miscarriage was the Gods wanting retribution."
"You can't keep linking everything back to your past, Xin. You have to know that your miscarriage had nothing to do with karma or the Gods or anything like that. It simply happened. You were stressed and your body suffered."
She didn't look entirely convinced but she finally smiled, slowly and surely, it formed at her mouth. The sadness was still there, permanently in the shadows of her eyes and in her smile, but she looked so happy to be around him at that moment. "You love me?" she asked and to him, it was completely out of the blue.
"Of course, I love you," Gaara replied, far too easy. It still shocked him to think about him actually being in love. Knowing that when he looked at Xin, despite all of her massive flaws and her odd little quirks, he loved her wholeheartedly. "I love you despite your psychotic tendencies, I love you despite your awful temper and I love you despite whatever you think you did wrong in life. Nothing changed."
Xin held his stare for a long moment, face heating gradually to his amusement. She dropped her head at that point, letting out a laugh that toed the line of a sob. Xin pressed her head against his shirt, and he could instantly feel the tears. "I'm sorry," she whispered wetly, tears coming faster. He wasn't sure what she was apologizing for but tightened his grip on her and held her either way.
He didn't blame her, and she knew that, she knew that well. She might have let go of her guilt for her past, for her wrongdoings in the name of Konoha but she would never forgive herself for the miscarriage. It was as Hinata said. It wasn't about him forgiving her, not really. He never blamed her for it in the first place. It was another obstacle in her life that she would have to overcome herself, without anyone's reassurance.
Xin cried all night long.
Xin slept long into the afternoon, tangled in the blankets and Gaara's scent in general. Gaara woke early that morning, like he did every morning, and quietly snuck from the room. She would whine about it later, but he knew that Xin just needed to sleep.
That's how she found herself, waking late into the day and blankets wrapped haphazardly around her legs. She clutched her pillow to her face, groggy eyes scanning the room. For a moment, she forgot that she was in Suna, back home in her own bed. She looked for the wooden floors, for the big window that overlooked the Hyuga's courtyard but came up empty, momentarily confusing herself.
But then it all sank in. Leaving Konoha with Naruto, Hinata and Sasuke for Suna. Feeling the balmy breeze and hot sun against her skin. Meeting Yoshi. God, she hated that girl and she'd only know her all of five minutes. Reuniting with the Sand Siblings and spending the night with two different sides of her friends and family. It was funny how well everyone meshed together effortlessly, and she wondered if she owed it to Konoha's natural charm or Suna trying their best for her sake.
And then...oh. Coming home and talking to Gaara. Telling him about the miscarriage and how it was her fault. Explaining as best she could about something she wanted to lock away and never speak of again. Admitting to the nightmares that involved a deceased child that she never told anyone about.
A small part of her, the self-doubt that lives in the darkest corner of her mind, insisted that he really didn't love her like he claimed. That he was only staying with her out of obligation, because he needed to be with her for the sake of Suna. It whispered that she was a child-killer, that she'd killed children before, and now she killed her own child.
That his words were just empty promises to keep her compliant.
Her blood became hot in her veins. Her arms tightened around the pillow, smashing it even harder against her face. Her usefulness and what she was willing to do did not equate to her worth. She repeated that mantra in her head while shaking the sleep away. Her hair fell around her face chaotically, but she simply gathered it back up on top of her head.
The sun was high in the sky and she was fully aware of how late it was. She wasn't sure if she was annoyed or not with sleeping in, but she carried on, brushing her teeth and stumbling down to the kitchen. Temari and Kankuro were there to greet her, both watching in amusement as she shuffled into the kitchen.
"Coffee?"
"It's two in the afternoon, Xin."
"Is that a no?"
Temari shook her head but Kankuro pushed a mug forward, smiling at her. "Gaara figured you'd sleep all day," he began to explain as Xin slumped into the seat across from him. "Jura stopped by earlier and took your sister and the others out around Suna."
Xin greedily gulped down her coffee, humming around the edge of the mug. She peered at Kankuro from over the rim, a thoughtful look in her eyes. "So," she hummed against the rim of the mug. "Yoshiko," she continued against the mug. "Or, as I heard Kankuro refer to her as: Yoshi. Yosh, even."
"Uh oh…" Temari muttered while turning away. She busied herself with the coffee pot.
Kankuro rubbed the back of his neck nervously. Xin wasn't happy with Yoshiko, understandable, but it wasn't his idea to take the girl on. Why was he getting the third degree? She was Gaara's assistant, after all.
"Look, Xin, she's just his assistant."
"I was born at night, but I wasn't born last night. Do I have stupid written on my forehead?"
"So, therapy. Did that do anything for your temper or…"
"Don't fuck with me, Kankuro. Someone better start explaining or I'm gonna lose my shit in this kitchen."
"I'd say that's a no for doing something for your temper…"
"Actually," Temari chose that moment to turn back around. "Normally she would have just attacked you. Giving you a warning is new," she pointed at while joining them at the table. She smiled in amusement despite Xin's dark look. "Jealousy isn't really your speed, is it?"
"Didn't she threaten to cut Matsuri's hands off because she was jealous?"
"Shut up Kankuro," Xin snapped, finally setting her mug down. Temari wordlessly picked up the coffee pot and refilled Xin's mug. "You seem awfully close with her."
"Just because I called her Yosh?"
"Is that her name?"
"No, it's Yoshiko."
"Okay," Xin quipped simply with raised eyebrows, picking the mug up once more. She'd seemingly proved her point and continued on. "Should I know anything about her? She seemed dead set on keeping me out of Gaara's office yesterday."
Temari shook her head. She hadn't been there to witness the very first meeting between wife and assistant but Kankuro filled her in. It hadn't gone well but then again, they all figured that. Gaara even had his own story to tell of their second encounter with Xin on the verge of hurting Yoshiko. Luckily Jura was there to stop her but truthfully, there was no stopping Xin. Eventually Xin would catch Yoshiko without anyone around to stop her.
Or maybe someone would be around, and Xin would just bulldoze her way past them. Little as she was, Xin was not to be underestimated. Ever.
"She isn't a kunoichi," Temari said into her own mug of coffee. "So, it's probably unwise to hit her," she pointed out, smiling when Xin loudly scoffed.
"She certainly talks like she has the skill set of one."
"Yes, Gaara mentioned the...tiff."
"Tiff, Temari? You've been hanging out with Baki too much, that's some shit he'd say."
"Like you haven't spent the last couple of months around your stuffy clan members?"
Xin tilted her head back with a smile. If Gaara had been receiving her goddamn letters, they'd all know that she actually spent most of her time avoiding her clan members. That, she supposed, was a conversation meant for another day.
"Anyway, you're deflecting."
"You're the one who made the comment about hanging around Baki too much."
"Don't take offense to her trying to keep you out," Kankuro finally spoke up. "She sort of takes her job a bit too seriously. She wants villagers to make formal appointments now if the issue isn't pressing. I'm guessing only Shinobi who've been summoned or expected can just pop in."
"I'm his wife. I don't need an appointment."
"I know but to be fair, Yoshiko wasn't expecting you."
Xin's eyes narrowed in the slightest. "What is this—Protect Yoshiko at all cost?" she snapped in irritation. "I don't give two fucks what she was expecting. I'm not having some random ass villager, assistant or not, telling me where I can and can't go. Who the hell's idea was it to even hire an assistant?"
Temari and Kankuro glanced at one another, silently holding a strained argument. Neither wanted to be the one to tell her that it was the council's idea to hire Yoshiko. Her being Mai's granddaughter made it even worse.
"Oh, fuck sake!" Xin sat back in the chair, looking exasperated. "This has the council written all over it. Who does she belong to? Who planted her? It was that old fuck, Bando, wasn't it? I know he still doesn't like me!"
"Probably because you keep calling him Bando instead of his actual name."
"That's not his name?"
Kankuro let out a bark of laughter. "His name is Bunta, Xin."
"...huh."
"No wonder he doesn't like you."
"Well—yeah, that's fair."
The table erupted in guffaws at Xin's odd forgetfulness when it came to that councilmember. "You know it's really weird. I've been living in a fog for the past couple of months, struggling to remember even the slightest thing about me. Couldn't remember how old I was but I remembered how much the council hates me," she chuckled with a curly smile. "So, does she belong to Ban—Bunta?"
"Uh. No. She's actually Mai's granddaughter."
They both watched with stiff shoulders as Xin's relaxed form became rigid. She sat up abruptly, all mirth gone from her features. Temari reached forward, sliding the heavy pot of coffee away from Xin's hands. She eyed Xin's mug warily and wondered if it would be worth it to take the mug away.
"Mai's granddaughter is Gaara's assistant?"
"So...therapy. How'd that work for you?"
Xin threw a severe look at Kankuro, mouth twisted up in a hard frown. "I had a mental breakdown, Kankuro, how do you think that worked? It was long and hard and frustrating as hell. It pissed me off a lot to talk about shit I did not want to talk about. I had a fucked childhood and fucked my teen years up in retaliation for some damn attention from my clueless ass parents.
I married a man I didn't know to be used, just like I'd been used by my village and somehow managed to actually fall in love with said man. Killed a fuck ton of people for that man and stressed myself out so bad that I inadvertently killed my unborn child. I had to realize that all of this misfortune leads back to my obsessive need to be needed and wanted." Xin began to spout out words.
"On top of all that, I had amnesia—which has to be the cheesiest shit I have ever experienced in my sad ass life. Not only did I have to dig up my childhood trauma, I had to relive every single shit that went wrong in my life. It was dark. I spent the first month or so constantly crying because I had no idea what the hell was wrong with me."
Xin briefly pulled her hands away from her mug, running fingers violently through her hair. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before pinching her mouth shut stubbornly. Temari reached forward again, grabbing the mug to pull away just in case. She'd give it back if Xin promised not to chuck it at Kankuro.
"I'm sorry," she abruptly apologized, rolling her lips into her mouth. "I'm still working on my temper," she admitted while pressing her hands to the table. "Honestly I don't think I'll ever really have a good grip on it."
"Wouldn't be you if you didn't have a bad temper," Kankuro quipped in a helpful tone. He wasn't put off in the slightest by her snappy rant. The past couple of months were stressful and maybe it was too soon to joke about whether her therapy worked out or not.
Xin took a deep breath and began muttering under her breath. It sounded like she was counting back from ten. "Okay," she took another deep breath once she reached one. "I'm okay."
"Are you?" Temari pressed blandly.
"I don't like it," Xin said truthfully. "Are they aware that I threatened to kill everyone Mai loves if she pissed me off enough?"
"I told Gaara about it but I'm not sure if Mai bothered to tell Yoshiko. It would be kind of weird if she just went home and told her family that the Kazekage's wife threatened to kill them all out of retaliation," Kankuro pointed out, eyes following as Xin reached for her mug again.
Xin pinched the bridge of her nose. "Anything else I should know about?"
"Pretty sure Yoshiko has a crush on Gaara."
Xin pinched even harder at her nose, taking another deep breath in an attempt to control her waning temper. Kankuro grabbed at her wrist, tugging it away in fear that if she pinched any harder, she'd break the cartilage of her nose. "Come on, Xin, you know you don't have to worry about a girl having an innocent crush on Gaara. It's like Hatsune or Matsuri."
Xin didn't pull her wrist away from Kankuro, instead allowing him to draw mindless patterns into the palm of her hand. "Hatsune knows not to step out of line with her crush because I've snapped her wrist on two different occasions. Matsuri also knows better," she sneered. "She's a politician's granddaughter, they can't be trusted."
"I told you," Kankuro was seconds away from spitting his tongue out at Temari in a childish manner.
Temari rolled her eyes, "It's not like I was the one who decided he needed an assistant."
"It's not the fact that he has one that bothers me."
"No? You have more of an issue with her being young and pretty?"
"Young and pretty?" Xin yanked her wrist away from Kankuro. "Fuck are you trying to say? That I'm old and not? How much younger is she than me? And that's barely the issue. The fact that she's related to Mai, of all people, is what bothers me. That old bag has it out for me."
"Well, given the fact that you called her an old scheming bitch and threatened to kill her family…"
"Kankuro, if you defend these scheming morons one more time, I'm gonna—"
"Remember your therapy," Temari hummed pointedly.
Xin made a face, drumming her fingers against the tabletop. Her need for a cigarette was growing stronger but she resisted. At least for the moment. She wasn't dumb enough to risk Temari's rage. And anyway, she reminded herself, she was supposed to kick the habit entirely. She didn't want to sound like that woman she'd killed in one of Konoha's base.
What was her name again? She was drawing a blank but then again, she couldn't remember that mission very well. She could remember bits and pieces and she recalled there being a fuck ton of blood everywhere. Something told her she didn't really want to remember that particular memory.
"Right," she grumbled begrudgingly.
"Look, Xin, none of us were happy with Yoshiko being Gaara's assistant. It was pretty clear from the start that she was planted as a distraction," Temari began, knowing Kankuro just didn't have the mental capacity to handle Xin's anger and jealousy in a mature way. "However, she really hasn't done much that would warrant suspicion. Yes, she flirts with Gaara and sometimes she takes her job a bit too seriously but that's not enough to knock her head from her shoulders. Try to remember that, okay? You have to control your temper and jealousy."
"Me controlling my temper is like trying to get a twelve-year old Naruto to stop screaming that he's going to be Hokage one day in our faces. Luckily for you guys, you had the privilege of being spared but we weren't so lucky. No amount of therapy, breathing techniques or cigarettes will ever even out my temper," Xin explained sourly. "And I'm not jealous of that Amazonian airhead."
"Sure sound jealous."
"Kankuro, if you weren't my brother and one of my best friends, I'd shatter this mug and use a shard to slice your goddamn throat out."
"Annnnd there's the threats, sure did miss those. Welcome home."
Xin's angry disposition faltered, broken by a smile. It lit up her entire face and in turn, made both Kankuro and Temari smile as well. It was almost funny how easily they fell back into things, as if she hadn't been gone for half a year. There weren't any awkwardness or depressive pauses, as if they had nothing to talk about anymore. The bickering and teasing came easily just like it had done before their lives were thrown out of whack.
Her voice dropped into a soothing mutter. "I really missed being home," she confessed. "It was funny that I couldn't remember anything about Suna, but I knew it's where I belonged."
Temari nodded, as if she completely understood. "I've lived my entire life with just Kankuro and Gaara and everything felt right when you came along. With you being gone, it felt like an important piece was missing. Gaara was so short-tempered and Kankuro whined all the time about you being gone."
"Oh?" Xin's eyebrows quirked.
"Shut up," Kankuro groaned loudly. "At least I wasn't going around threatening everyone."
"It was mostly you and Jura being threatened. Gaara just glared at the rest of us."
Xin let out a laugh, shoulders slumping while seemingly forgetting about her anger. Of course, she would deal with the issue that was Yoshiko later. She had all the time to hunt that red headed idiot down later but for now, she would spend time with Temari and Kankuro. She deserved it and so did they.
They would get back on track.
Xin brushed her bangs back irritably as she climbed the staircase of the Kage's tower. She avoided walking through the village, not sure how the villagers would react to suddenly see her again. She wasn't even sure what Suna thought of her absence and if the villagers even cared in the first place.
Konoha's villagers had been surprised to see her back. They, of course, assumed the worst. That her marriage dissolved for whatever outlandish reason. It was ridiculous what reasons villagers came up with. Even more so when they loudly whispered their thoughts while thinking that not only was she amnesiac, but she was also deaf.
Morons, she'd mutter each and every time.
She brushed her fingers through her hair once more, working out any knots she might have missed in the long locks. For a moment, she paused at the top of the staircase, staring at the doors to the office. For a small and very brief moment, she felt unwelcomed. Like she no longer belonged and had no right to just waltz into the office as if she'd been doing it for the past half year.
She rolled her eyes a second later, wondering what the hell happened to her confidence. It wasn't like her to be so indecisive. Even if she thought her choices might be wrong, she'd go bulldozing right through it. She'd never find out if it was bad or not if she continued to stand around all the goddamn time, twiddling her thumbs.
Xin approached the doors and rapped her knuckles against the wood, smiling softly when she heard Gaara's familiar voice calling out to her. Easing the door open, she peeked in and was satisfied that only one redhead was currently present and luckily for them, it happened to be her favorite redhead.
"Did you actually knock?" Gaara asked once he realized that it was Xin standing at the door and not some appointment. She was armed with a pack and he almost perked up at the thought of it being lunch.
"I didn't want to be attacked again by the redhead freak you've got employed, apparently Temari says I can't just hit her," Xin replied evenly, carefully approaching the desk. She stood at the side, warily eyeing him while holding up the pack. "I missed breakfast, but I made you lunch," she explained, stretching her arm forward.
"Yoshi doesn't mean any harm," Gaara sighed deeply while taking the offered lunch. He set it down on the desk and reached for Xin, hands encasing her smaller hand easily. He tugged her forward, but she stayed rooted to her spot. "Is something wrong?"
"Yoshi, huh?"
"It's just a nickname."
"Friends use nicknames. You aren't her friend."
"Are you jealous?"
"No. Why does everyone keep saying that?"
"Because you're acting jealous."
"I am not."
"No?"
"No."
Gaara chuckled, causing her to blush. She was frustrated, embarrassed and enamored by him all at once. It was overwhelming to feel this strongly for someone after so long. She remembered waking up and being so confused by everything she felt for a man she couldn't remember. It was disturbing how easily he could bring those feelings out of her. Just listening to him laugh was enough to relax her hunched shoulders. She hadn't felt this relaxed in literal months.
"Xin…" Gaara's chuckles came to a halt. "Yoshiko takes her job a bit too seriously but she's nothing to worry about, you should know that."
"Gaara, I don't really know anything these days," Xin whispered in a quiet confession. "I don't know what's been going on these past few months with you. I come back home and suddenly there's this other girl hanging around, telling me what I can and can't do. You know good and well that I don't like being told what I can't do."
He didn't immediately reply, not that she really gave him a chance before she was speaking again. "And did you know—" she paused briefly as he guided her to sit on his lap. "—that I've been calling that council member Bando when his name is Bunta this entire time?"
"I've told you that isn't his name."
"I don't ever remember you saying that, must have been the amnesia."
"I'm positive that it has nothing to do with amnesia and more to do with the fact that you're just petty."
"No, it's amnesia, I'm sure of it."
"You don't even have it anymore."
"Not true. Some things are a little foggy."
Gaara snorted loudly, arm wrapping tightly around her waist. She leaned her head back against his shoulder. She was avoiding having to look at him, her next question turning her stomach uncomfortably. "Did you mean what you said yesterday? About..having children other ways?"
"Xin…" he trailed off slowly, hand resting against her stomach instead of her waist. He felt her abdomen flinch underneath his fingers. "Why are you beating yourself up so hard?"
It probably sounded harsh, he realized way too late. He was a man and would never really understand how a woman would feel after suffering a miscarriage. He wondered if it would have changed anything if he had actually gone to Konoha after receiving the news. His siblings were right. Xin already had her insecurities and with him not there and taking so long to reply, her confidence waned.
"Well, besides being traumatized by the whole ordeal—it wasn't pretty…" Xin trailed off with her eyes still trained upwards. "I just...I didn't see anything, and I wasn't far along enough but a heartbeat develops around nine weeks. Who knows what that baby could've been. We'll never even know. And like I said...what if this means I can't have children? Or that I'm not meant to have children? You say it's okay now but what happens when you'll eventually want children?"
"Then we try for children."
"Gaara, I cannot go through that again."
"How do you know you will?"
"How do you know I won't?"
"I don't. Regardless of that, it doesn't change our relationship. I still want you to be my wife. That hasn't changed. You can't keep blaming yourself for something out of your control."
"But what if—"
"Xin, remember that your worth isn't based on what you can provide. If you decide that you never want children, then fine. If you do want them, we'll have children. What matters is if we're both happy."
"...I'm happy as long as you don't go running off with that redhead idiot you call an assistant."
Gaara turned his head into her hair, laughing all the while. "Yoshiko isn't my type."
"You have a type? What's your type?"
"Short, pale women with dark hair and light eyes who curse far too much and smell of blood and flowers."
"That's oddly specific."
"I know what I like."
Xin's face broke into a genuine smile, eyes closed. "You know, we've been through far too much for two teenagers. We haven't even hit our twenties yet and we've got a lifetime of trauma between the two of us. Can you imagine what else is in store for us?" she asked rhetorically.
"I'm sure we can get through it if we've gotten through life so far."
"Jesus fuck, I'm too tired for what else is coming at us."
Gaara chuckled again and wrapped his other arm around her waist, hugging her closely to his chest. "Honestly, imagine a kid sharing our genes," she muttered just barely loud enough for him to hear. "Coming from two psychopaths—ow—" she paused when he pinched her stomach. "Okay, a former psychopath and half of a psychopath—I know my faults," she snorted when he pinched her again.
"Still so pessimistic," Gaara mused, drumming his fingers against her skin. "Try imagining the kid having our best traits instead of our worst," he suggested in low tones. She didn't reply, instead trying to do just that. Maybe it wasn't so hard to believe that they could eventually have a kid or two. Hopefully with most of Gaara's best traits because if she were to be honest with him, she wasn't so sure she had any good traits to think of.
She could see it. A little boy, Gaara's spitting image with just a few small details of hers. Maybe the soft shape of her eyes or the curve of one of her genuine smiles. But all of Gaara's best traits all rolled up snug in a little body.
It could happen, she tried to convince herself. Maybe, if the Gods were done being cruel assholes. Honestly, they couldn't do much more to her to make her suffer. Death was the only thing left and Xin would not go down. Not for a long time anyway. And besides, she wanted it, she realized. Maybe she wouldn't be the best mother, she was quite aware, but she would try her best.
"Eventually," she finally said after a long moment of being trapped in her head with just her thoughts. "Eventually with better planning. It could happen, if you really want it."
"Eventually," Gaara agreed with a nod.
She continued to smile while slowly opening her eyes. She was about to say something when the door swung open. Yoshiko stood in the doorway; eyebrows high on her forehead as she regarded the two. She had a handful of documents and scrolls along with a clipboard. "Good afternoon, Kazekage-sama."
"Yoshiko," Gaara greeted like he normally would, arms still settled around Xin. On a normal basis, he wouldn't be so upfront with his affections for her in the middle of the day in the office where anyone could happen upon them. He was usually more professional about it, but his wife had been gone for half a year. He didn't care what anyone thought at the moment. Tomorrow he would go back to being professional but for today, anyone could fuck off.
"Oh, I have to knock but Yoshiko doesn't?"
"Quiet, Xin."
Xin huffed but said nothing else, picking her head up to watch as Yoshiko carefully approached the two. She readied herself to get up, knowing Yoshiko was losing her shit internally but Gaara's grip wouldn't relent. In fact, it just seemed to tighten around her waist in order to hold her still. She didn't mind either way but if Yoshiko made a snide comment, she was going to bounce his fuckin' chair off the side of her goddamn head.
"Hyuga-san," Yoshiko greeted stiffly. "I wasn't expecting to find you here at this hour. I thought you would need more time to recover at home," she continued in that stiff tone. Xin watched in amusement as Yoshiko struggled to maintain her professional smile.
"I'm a ninja and it was only a week's travel from Konoha. I don't need that much time to recover," Xin pointed out with nothing but amusement shining in her eyes. "And you don't need to keep calling me Hyuga-san. That's kind of...not my name anymore since Gaara doesn't even have a last name."
"You're Xin of the Desert now," Gaara helpfully stated while leaning forward. She leaned with him, allowing him to grab his lunch. She rolled her eyes and tried to get up once more but Gaara was not budging.
"I wasn't even born here."
"No but you live here now and that's what I'm called. Temari and Kankuro as well."
"You guys could take my last name."
"Hyuga Gaara doesn't sound right."
Xin snickered before remembering that Yoshiko was still present. She rolled her lips into her mouth. "Just Xin is fine," she said quickly, remembering that Yoshiko was technically a part of the conversation. "Everyone just says Xin-san or my Lady or what have you," she explained in a fleeting tone.
"Right…" Yoshiko nodded slowly although she physically looked like she was in pain. "Anyway," she turned her full attention on Gaara. "Kazekage-sama, I have some letters from the other Kages about the upcoming summit for you. I also have some reports of all of the medicinal inports we'll be needing…"
Xin blinked, quietly having no choice but to listen. "Letters from the other Kages?" she repeated while blinking, eyebrows drawing together. Yoshiko gave pause, looking quite annoyed as she turned to Xin once more.
"Yes. Letters containing official Kage business, Hyuga-san," she replied tensely.
"Letters about what?"
"I don't think—"
"There's been talk of ushering in an era of peace between the great Villages," Gaara said before Yoshiko could piss Xin off. "A summit is being planned to take place in Tetsu no Kuni since it's neutral ground."
Xin blinked at the information. "Oh, well that's great."
"Kazekage-sama, you shouldn't discuss that so fleetingly," Yoshiko reminded him with a tense frown. Xin leaned forward to give Gaara enough room to rip open the letters to read without her in the way. She didn't have a problem with getting up, but he was entirely against the idea. One arm settled back around her waist as he quietly read over the contents of the first letter.
"It's fine, Yoshi," Gaara mumbled distractedly. Xin continued to smile at her, head tilted slightly to the side. "Xin isn't a spy or something ridiculous like that."
"You deliver all of Gaara's incoming and outgoing mail, Yoshi? Is that right?" she asked with an air of innocence. "And remember, I said there was no need to use Hyuga when talking to me. Xin is just fine."
"Yoshiko," the redhead said pointedly. "And yes, I make sure his letters are sent in a timely fashion and I receive all of his incoming letters to deliver straight to him."
"Interesting. And when were you made his assistant?"
"Oh, I would say...the beginning weeks of January or so?"
Xin made a humming noise, seemingly lost in thought. "Oi, Gaara, who gave you my very first letter that I wrote to you?" she asked, gaze never straying from Yoshiko. The taller redhead was frowning down at her, jaw set tightly.
"Temari," Gaara mumbled, still immersed in the letter.
"And then the job was passed onto Yoshi afterwards."
"That would be correct."
Xin made another humming noise and then smiled at Yoshiko. "That's all so very interesting," she said in a fleeting tone. Yoshiko was still staring down at her, teeth clenching and unclenching. "So, what's the letter say?" she abruptly changed the subject, cheerfully turning her full attention on Gaara.
"It's just the terms being set. Only two bodyguards allowed and what is to be primarily discussed in light of a peace treaty between all five nations. The Sand and Leaf are already on good terms so it's really just the other three Kages that need to be convinced…"
"Have fun, I hear the Tsuchikage is particularly difficult to deal with…"
"Well, he is a lot older and stuck in his ways."
"Kazekage-sama," Yoshiko cleared her throat, feeling as if she'd been forgotten. "Don't forget that there's a meeting in just two hours. With your wife returning so suddenly, the Council would like to discuss things."
"Like what?" Xin prompted.
"Hyuga-san, that isn't really for you to know."
"No? A discussion about me isn't for me to know? That's rather ironic, Yoshi."
Gaara paused to finally look up from the letter. While Xin seemed entirely relaxed, he was not fooled. She was too relaxed, actually. He hadn't been paying attention but if he had to guess, Xin had just trapped Yoshiko in some way or another. Yoshiko, on the other hand, looked agitated with her face flushing deeply.
"They probably want to talk about your amnesia and if you accidentally revealed a secret or two of Suna's to the Leaf," Gaara said slowly, watching the two women. He knew right off the bat that there would be friction between Xin and Yoshi, but this was ridiculous. It was only day two of knowing one another.
"I didn't even remember shit fully until last week."
"Seriously?"
"For the most part, yeah. Some things are still kind of foggy," Xin shrugged a shoulder. "I didn't even talk much about Suna, my therapy wasn't about Suna. It was mostly about what was wrong with me."
"I'm sure that was exhausting for your therapist."
Gaara closed his eyes and sighed when Xin suddenly stood up. Yoshiko stumbled backwards, shocked by Xin's quick movements. "You'd think so," she hummed cheerfully. "I'm going to go hunt down Jura and my team. Jura and Naruto get along far too well to be left alone with just Hinata and Sasuke," she hummed as Gaara's arm fell from her waist. "Eat your lunch, yes?"
"Of course."
Xin nodded and then turned to Yoshiko, smile never faltering. Gaara watched warily, ready to pull Xin away if she attacked his idiotic assistant. "And Yoshi? Just a word of advice, yes? I know I have a temper," Xin stepped closer to the redhead. "I've killed civilians for lesser offenses. I think it would do you good to not piss me off, yes? Just ask Mai."
Gaara pinched the bridge of his nose, blankly staring up at her. "Xin," he warned sternly, silently admonishing her actions with just his tone alone. Yoshiko had gone pale, which could have been funny if Xin wasn't willing to break her knees if pushed to that point.
She spun on a practiced heel, hands innocently going behind her back. "I'm just saying," she said with a curly smile. But he'd seen that smile before, that was her conniving smile. She was planning something in that convoluted brain of hers and it spelt trouble for Yoshiko.
His poor, dumb, assistant.
"I'm being fair by warning her, see? Therapy totally worked."
"That's still to be seen."
Xin let out a snort before leaning over him, curly smile pressed to the corner of his mouth. "I'll leave you to your work for now," she mused against his skin. "Have fun at your meeting," she sang before leaving the office.
Yoshiko watched her go, jaw set tightly once more as the doors clicked shut behind her. She'd heard all about the woman from Mai. That she couldn't be trusted and that she was a brutal kunoichi. She saw glimpses of that kunoichi just now, hidden in that curly smile of hers.
But she also just saw a woman happily in love.
Xin stood outside of the tower, hands on her hips as she wondered what to do next. Ukyo still had yet to return, and Xin wasn't so sure she wanted to go down to the Hospital just yet. It was still relatively unknown that she was even back in the first place..
Although if Jura had taken her friends around Suna, Hinata was probably getting mistaken for her. Suna didn't really know that she was a twin, after all. And if Hinata and Naruto are out behaving like a couple for all to see…
"Oh dear."
Before she could take off running, she was stopped by a casual greeting. "So you are back." Sasori was standing there, looking somewhat surprised to see her. "Jura said you were back, but I didn't believe him."
And maybe they didn't always get along, but Xin felt an overwhelming happiness flood her at the sight of the surly redhead. "Sasori!" she opened her arms up and threw them around his neck cheerfully. She rocked forward on the tips of her toes, laying all of her weight against him as he circled her waist to hug her back. "I just got back yesterday; it was a surprise."
"Your husband isn't fond of surprises."
"No, but Kankuro is fond of being an asshole."
Sasori actually snorted into her hair at that, arms loosening until they fell away from her waist. His hands reached forward instead, setting against her jawline and cupping her face. There was no doubt about it, that blank foggy look he'd last seen in her eyes all those months ago was gone.
He could have kissed her right then and there.
Of course, he didn't but the thought still remained.
Realizing that they looked far too comfy to just be considered friends, Xin pulled his hands from her face. It really wouldn't bode well if the villagers witnessed such an intimate gesture shared between her and someone who was obviously not the Kazekage. She took a careful step back but kept her smile in place. It would be really hard to explain her being spotted with Naruto and Sasori at the same time.
As if Naruto was even her type…
Sasori...well...it didn't really matter either way.
"Come on, Jura has my friends out and about and he can't be trusted with Naruto," she said first, beckoning him after her. She noticed immediately that as he fell into step beside her, he blatantly studied her profile. "What? What are you staring at? Do I have something on my face?"
"Just that dumb look," Sasori replied dryly, hoping to distract her from the fact that he was staring in the first place. He didn't want to admit that he was searching for any sign of her amnesia or even that awful breakdown he witnessed. He didn't want to admit that he was waiting for someone to pull the rug from beneath him and tell him that it was just a cruel joke to play on not only him but the Kazekage as well.
But Xin carried on with her casual smile, hands on her hips as she led him aimlessly through the village in search of Jura. "I'm glad you're back," he mumbled just loud enough for her to hear when they began skirting the edges of the crowded marketplace. She glanced up at him, an unreadable look on her face. He could tell, just by looking at her, that she wasn't fully healed. Whether it was because of her breakdown or something entirely different, it still hung over her.
But her smile just brightened. "I'm glad I'm back too," she replied cheerfully before she finally spotted Jura. "Oh, fuck sake," she muttered. Jura was armed with a fried scorpion on a skewer, grinning widely at the team. "He's trying to feed them fried scorpion."
"It's a delicacy."
"No, it's disgusting."
"Don't knock it until you try it."
Xin rolled her eyes. "I have tried it, Gaara shoved one into my mouth when I was talking once. I was not impressed," she huffed with a scowl before cutting a path towards them. Naruto noticed her first, grinning brightly at the sight of her. Jura looked as well, blinking at Sasori trailing behind her. He wasn't sure if the Kazekage would approve of Sasori being around Xin so soon, but it probably wasn't his place to question such a thing. "Jura, please stop trying to get them to try that. It's a Suna thing, we don't understand."
"But Xin," Jura waved the skewer around. "It's so good. How will they know they won't like it if they don't even try it?"
"Because it's not normal to eat arachnid," Sasuke pointed out blankly.
"Konoha ninja, so weak."
Naruto laughed, "I've never heard anyone refer to us as weak. That's new."
Hinata smiled at Xin. "Have you been by to see Gaara today? He seemed a little put off this morning when he let you sleep in," she said in a quiet voice, not wanting Naruto to overhear and tease Gaara about missing Xin.
"Yeah, I brought him lunch but Yoshiko came by so I figured I should head out before I break her fuckin' ankles."
"Her ankles, Xin?"
"Mm, small but important."
Hinata nodded as if she completely understood her sister's train of thought. Xin leaned in closer, whispering something quietly to her twin. Hinata listened with a blank face as to not alert the others of their private conversation. The only visible reaction she had to Xin's whispering was the slight twitch of her eyebrows.
"I'm sure Konoha has oddities they like to eat that we wouldn't understand," Sasori said distractedly as Xin leaned away from Hinata.
"We don't eat bugs."
"Arachnids aren't bugs, genius."
Xin snorted at Naruto's flushed face. "Here, try it, Xin," Jura shoved the skewered snack into her face. She wrinkled her nose cutely and leaned backwards. She raised her hand and gingerly pushed the offered snack away.
"Uh, no. I've already tried it."
"Seriously?" Sasuke looked completely disgusted.
"Not by choice," she huffed while folding her arms across her chest. "Gaara says the only way to get me to shut the hell up is by shoving food into my mouth. I mean, he could use his tongue instead but public displays of affection to that degree are generally frowned upon."
"Disgusting," Sasuke sneered.
"Too much information," Naruto agreed while nodding sagely.
"Oh my…" Hinata trailed off while blushing.
Sasori only reached up and patted Xin on the head. "Some things don't need to be shared, Xin," he said shortly. Jura chuckled but offered the skewered scorpion to Sasori. The Konoha ninja visibly cringed at the sound of Sasori crunching on the fried snack.
"Ooh, dango!" Xin cheered out of nowhere, taking off back across the marketplace. Hinata perked up and wordlessly followed after her sister. Sasuke muttered under his breath but proceeded to follow with Sasori. Naruto didn't follow immediately, instead looking at Jura with an amused expression.
"Man, you are so barking up the wrong tree."
Jura instantly deflated, "that bad, huh?"
Naruto grinned sympathetically and reached up, folding his arms behind his head. "I mean, I was a lot worse with Sakura when we were kids, but Xin is married...so…" he cringed. "Sasuke always acted like he never liked her back so we didn't necessarily fight over Sakura but...Xin's married so I'm not sure how Gaara would feel if he knew you were making heart eyes at his wife."
"I know, man, I know," Jura rubbed at the back of his neck, big shoulders slumped. Naruto felt for him, knowing exactly how it felt to like a girl who just didn't return those feelings, but he knew Jura couldn't continue on. "I know she's married; I just can't help it."
"Well, you'd better try. He's calmer now but Gaara can be scary as fuck when he needs to be. Take it from someone who's actually fought him before. That guy is not the one to be fucked with."
"Believe me, I know. I've been on the receiving end of both of their anger before."
"So, you just don't learn."
"Evidently, I don't."
Naruto grinned and turned to the group. Xin was surrounded by some older villagers, no doubt they were fawning over her returning. She was smiling brightly, nodding along to whatever was being said. She was motioning to Hinata, undoubtedly explaining to them that they were twin sisters and that they actually had another sister as well. One older woman reached out, wrinkled hand cupping Xin's cheek like she would do to a wayward granddaughter. He noted, almost blankly, that Sasori was watching her with a soft look in his eyes.
Huh.
What the hell was with Suna ninja and Xin?
Jura watched her too, smiling like the lovesick fool that he was. Naruto was completely right; he just didn't learn. Xin had already made it clear, said it out of her mouth, that she wouldn't be with him. That she couldn't. And he didn't expect her to, he didn't expect her to betray her husband for him. But sometimes it was hard.
Sometimes he dreamt about her, about her mental breakdown. He felt powerless as everything shattered around her. He lived it over and over again, each dream worse than the last. She said that she was better, that her therapy worked but he could tell there was something wrong.
Something different but still wrong, nonetheless. It was in the shadows of her eyes. There was a new rawness there, a different kind of pain that hadn't been there before. Whatever it was, it was too much for him. Whatever baggage she toted with her was just too much for him to handle.
Whatever she'd gone through, it wasn't his shoulder she needed to lean on. She would never need him in the way he wanted to be needed. She would always go to her husband, think of her husband first whenever faced with difficulties. Jura was well aware of that, he'd known it for months but no matter how many times he told himself to get over her, he just couldn't.
Naruto was right, of course. He had to get over the thought of Xin. They weren't meant for one another and the Kazekage really wouldn't appreciate all of the lovesick smiles and heart eyes thrown her way that she was too oblivious to even notice.
It was hard. So very hard.
Meanwhile, Naruto continued to watch his group of friends. Xin was still interacting with the Suna ninja and it found it almost odd how different she suddenly was in Suna. But if he was being honest, this wasn't Xin being different. No, this was Xin being Xin, the girl she'd always been meant to be.
This was twelve-year-old Xin, before becoming a Chunin. This was Xin before losing her entire team because of her arrogance, before becoming a masked ANBU member. This was Xin before death nipped at her heels and insanity dogged at her soul. Xin came alive in Suna, something she'd been practically forbidden to do in Konoha due to her spiral out of control.
This wasn't that murderous kunoichi who smelled of blood and who bled misery from anyone unfortunate enough to cross her. This wasn't the shell that faked the funk with her friends when they could stand to be around her.
No, this was the quirky medical ninja, the well-meaning wife of the Kazekage with a wicked sense of humor and stern tongue. This wasn't Hyuga Xin, this was Xin of the Desert.
And this was where Xin belonged.
TeeBeMe: If yall read the latest chapter for Heaven's Gate, yall would know that this fuckin' chapter fucked off and got deleted. I had to rewrite a big ass chunk because apparently I don't believe in saving my work. That was nice. That was real nice. I'm at work editing this and all of my coworkers are like what are you writing?? Like how do you explain that youre writing a story about a psychotic ass ninja. You don't lol. Anyway please enjoy because I truly suffered with this chapter lol.
