My room faded before my eyes.
My body faded right along with it.
My surroundings became more and more distant, like I was seeing them in a dream. The sensations of my body lessened and lessened and then disappeared completely: my crossed arms, my clenched teeth, my pounding heart.
I felt Yalran there with me the whole way, hugging me, comforting me, supporting me. But even so, I couldn't help but think of the sheer power she now had over me, of all the things she had done, of all the things she could do.
It would be different with Calgiss, after the war. Calgiss could show me any memory at all, and I could relax without difficulty, assured that Calgiss would never misuse the power a yeerk held.
I couldn't have that much trust in Yalran - not now, not yet.
But even as I doubted her, Yalran stayed the course. She continued to hug me, lightly yet firmly, as the last vestiges of my world went away.
I could see nothing now. I felt nothing, thought nothing, was nothing. I was a little lonely nothing, floating in nothing, surrounded by nothing, sinking into nothing, sinking down and down…
…and down into the cold sludge of the Yeerk Pool, the liquid flowing between my soft palps. I squeaked, felt the squeak reverberate around me, made out the throng of silently swimming bodies surrounding my own. I swam along with them, propelling myself forwards in little scrunch-thrust motions.
My name was Yalran Five-Four-Eight. I was a yeerk. My host was caged now. And I was alone.
I swam and I swam, little wordless yeerkish squeaks surrounding me all the while - the sounds of yeerks like me struggling to find their way. I brushed one by mistake, jerked away, propelled myself on. I'd go down deeper, where it was colder, where there'd be space, where I could-
((Gariss One-Nine-Two to the infestation pier! Gariss One-Nine-Two!))
That new artificial voice cut right through me, freezing my movements. It was loud - way too loud. And no matter where I swam, I could never get away from it. The Yeerk Pool had speakers set up everywhere, endlessly droning out orders, impossible to escape from, impossible not to listen to.
I kept swimming, pushing myself deeper and deeper still. It was colder here, and quieter too. There were less yeerks down here, and fewer echolocations. I listened out for each and every one.
((Nolris Four-Five-Two to the infestation pier! Nolris Four-Five-Two!))
It was still too loud. Even down here in the cold, it was too loud. The yeerks around me were silenced for a moment, impossible to hear over the speakers' command.
But soon, I could hear them again. And as soon as I could hear them, I heard her.
Kessam Eight-Zero-Five.
I sensed her right away. Every yeerk's echolocation sounded slightly different, and hers was impossible not to notice amongst the crowd. I sped towards her, eagerly echolocating right back. We always waited down here for each other now, whenever we knew we'd be feeding together. There was space down here - a little space, at least. Here, we could talk, and not be disturbed.
She approached me slowly, twisting her body gracefully from side to side. I sensed the other yeerks around us with my sonar, but they didn't matter now. She swam a slow circle around me, protective and close.
((May the Kandrona shine on you, Yalran Five-Four-Eight.)) She spoke in little yeerkish squeaks - squeaks that I naturally understood.
((May the Kandrona shine on you, Kessam Eight-Zero-Five))
We were both being careful and quiet. We were here to feed on the light of the Kandrona, before returning to our hosts in the world above; we weren't here to talk, like host-less grubs. Not that we'd be punished, unless we really made a fuss; it just wasn't done!
Even so, through these hours in the Pool together, we'd shared much. She knew about my plans for recruiting more hosts, and I knew all about her own schemes too. I knew she was recruiting her host's friends, one-by-one. I knew she was using her host's reputation, as a popular girl at school, to recruit other human hosts besides.
The speakers cut in then, ordering some other yeerk to go up to the pier. I didn't listen; I didn't care. I stayed close to Kessam and waited for those hated speakers to quiet down.
((Are you well, Yalran?)) Kessam asked, as soon as she could.
((Of course,)) I replied. ((My host's friends will be hosts, soon. And I will soon bring many hosts more.))
She swam around me, her palps tantalisingly close. I swam with her, twisting myself around her body, my own palps faced determinedly away.
((I know that,)) she said. ((But what of you? Is your host still upsetting you?))
I sensed her concern immediately. She asked me this every feeding cycle - not out of any sense of suspicion, but as a friend, as more than a friend.
((No. I disciplined her again. She's given up at last.))
Lies - all lies. I knew she'd never give up - not my host, not Beth.
Kessam brought herself closer to me still. ((That's wonderful, Yalran! Involuntary hosts are so selfish. I hope I never have another.))
A sudden pang rushed through me. Beth wasn't selfish - far from it! I was almost grateful when another order boomed out around us, saving me from saying something I'd regret.
((Does your host still talk?)) Kessam asked, once the quiet had returned.
She knew I talked to Beth. I shouldn't have told her that, but I had.
((Yes,)) I replied. ((Often.))
She darted forward suddenly, and then turned herself to face me. I followed her closely with my sonar, focussed on absolutely nothing else.
((You could request a transfer.)) She spoke quickly, and energetically. ((You could try for a voluntary, like mine. That would be so much better for you.))
Not it wouldn't. Not now. Not when I'd already told Beth so much. And not when I didn't know who would replace me if I-
((Yalran? Are you alright?))
She was so close now! She was floating right in front of me, her palps right there, right in front of mine! We'd have been touching, had I moved forward just a tiny amount.
((Yes, I'll think about it,)) I told her. ((A transfer sounds good.))
More lies. It felt so wrong, to be lying to Kessam like that. But I didn't dare tell her the truth.
She swam over me, a palp faintly brushing me as she went past. I echolocated after her, wanting to reach out, wanting to touch her, but she was already too far away. I powered after her, caught up easily, and then slowly swam at her side.
We swam like that for many minutes: wordlessly, side by side, echolocating far more than needed, reminding each other we were there. We didn't need to talk when we were together. Sometimes, it felt better not to talk. Sometimes, it felt better just to swim, like we were doing right now.
The speakers continued to call out their orders, of course. I wished that they would stop, but I knew they never would.
Eventually, Kessam spoke up. ((We should go. We'll be called soon))
We swam up together in perfect sync - scrunch, thrust, scrunch, thrust. We headed for the infestation peer, into the throng of yeerks who always swam there, and lost each other in the crowd.
((Kessam Eight-Zero-Five to the infestation peer! Kessam Eight-Zero-Five!))
We'd been close that time - way too close. If one of us was late, we'd be punished, and punished bad. We'd have to be more careful next time around.
I swam around near the surface, nothing left to do but to wait my own turn. I didn't like to be alone in here. I didn't like to be without Kessam, or without Beth. Being made me feel bad. Being alone meant-
((Indril Four-Six-Five to the infestation peer! Indril Four-Six-Five!))
A sibling! For a moment, a range of memories ran through me: memories of darting through warm liquid, memories of freely touching palps, memories of…no, no, it didn't matter now. Those were old times, childish little things, not for an adult like me. And I was an adult! I was! I was an adult who'd had hosts, who'd fought!
I thought back to that fighting now. I couldn't not think about it, with no-one to distract me. I thought of my Hork-Bajir's blades slicing against soft alien flesh, of the dead silence of my host's mind, of the TSEEEEEW of dracon beams, of crawling from my bloodied and dying Hork-Bajir, of those venom-filled needles that had ripped through her flesh and-
((Elgat Four-Seven-Four! Elgat Four-Seven-Four!))
Had to keep moving, I told myself. Couldn't stop and think - not like that, not about that. I pushed myself forwards harder and harder, seized by a sudden energy that refused to leave. My body ached from the effort. That ache was good, felt good.
((Iniss Four-Two-Eight-One to the infestation peer! Iniss Four-Two-Eight-One!))
I sensed yeerks everywhere through my sonar: above me, below me, to my front, to my rear. No-one talked - no-one! Theor echolocations were the only breaks in the maddening silence.
This was my whole world, without my host: an endless sightless prison, with nothing to do, with nowhere to go. Kessam made it bearable, but Kessam was gone now. I missed my eyes - no, Beth's eyes. I missed her whole body. Hers was a real body, with sight and taste and limbs! Hers was a body that could walk, could run!
((Yalran Five-Four-Eight to the infestation peer! Yalran Five-Four-Eight!))
My turn, I thought! Me! Me! I hurried to my host's waiting ear, the yeerks around me scattering as I came. And then, right in front of me, I sensed it: the ear of Beth, my own human host, with her eyes and her limbs and her mind!
I squeezed myself in, squirting my numbing fluid. I reached her brain, flattened myself down. I sensed the familiar electrical signals, sensed the workings of her brain. I felt her body and forgot my own.
A Hork-Bajir hand held her head down. That hand withdrew, and I pulled her head up. Immediately, her ears were filled with the sounds of the Pool: of industry, of Empire, of screaming hosts. I opened her mouth, breathed in, felt the wondrous expansion of her lungs.
I smiled with her mouth, and then I opened her eyes.
My eyes opened - my real eyes opened.
I was in my bedroom again. I was human again. I was Beth.
I blinked, and smiled at my ability to do so. I breathed out slowly, flexing my fingers and bending my toes. I was back on my bed, head on my pillow, my limbs all splayed out and relaxed. Rain pattered lightly against my window outside.
I could feel Yalran's attention on me. Her presence was cautious, hesitant. It remained that way when I sat myself up, and when I began to rub at my eyes.
Hands, I thought. Such wonderful things.
((They are,)) came my yeerk's reply. Her voice in my head was quiet and soft. ((Your whole body is, compared to mine.))
I nodded faintly, and blinked some more. My eyes felt wet and heavy. And when Yalran started to hug me in my mind, and when she guided my head back down onto the pillow, I couldn't help but feel both grateful and relaxed.
I assumed she'd say more to me. But just as before, she said nothing. She just stretched me out and toyed with my hair, waiting for me to say more.
((So that's the Pool,)) I said.
I felt her nod my head. She dropped her control at my wordless request, and I rolled over to my side.
((It's always like that,)) she told me then. ((It's just so quiet. And yet too loud as well.))
((You mean the speakers?))
((Yeah. Those.)) I felt myself shudder a little - Yalran's doing, for sure. ((I mean, it's not completely quiet I used to manage to talk to people sometimes. Just…not often.))
I started to speak. ((But how would you do that while you're-))
And then I stopped.
Because Yalran was a yeerk, wasn't she? She hadn't been talking about the human hosts, or any hosts at all. She'd meant yeerks when she'd said "people". Yeerks were people to her.
((So…then…)) I began, grasping for something - anything - to break this fresh silence. There should have been so much to say, after that experience, but it all felt so jumbled that I hardly knew where to start. I had been Yalran, for those few moments - Yalran, with her yeerk body, with all her memories and all her fears.
Those memories of Yalran's felt distant now, like they'd been nothing more than a horrible dream. But even so, I remembered them. I remembered the cold. I remembered the quiet, remembered those too-loud speakers that periodically broke in.
I remembered the terror of those old battles, the terror of being alone to remember and relive them: the screech of yeerk dracon beams, those burning needles, the stench of blood.
That was what she'd experienced, before she and I had ever met? That was what she thought back to now, whenever solitude allowed? No wonder she hated being away from me. No wonder she hated feeding. No wonder she hated the Pool.
((I shouldn't have shown you that,)) Yalran said sullenly.
I didn't respond to her, nor did I really react in any way, but she must have known that I was listening closely.
((It was supposed to be about what the Pool feels like,)) she explained. ((Not…all that other stuff. I should have just shown the part with Kessam. Not anything else.))))
I shook my head. ((But…Kessam makes it easier for you, doesn't she?))
Yalran nodded my head silently.
Of course Kessam made it easier. Kessam was someone for Yalran to talk to. Kessam was someone to distract her when she didn't have me. Showing me her times with Kessam would never have been enough - not to truly show how the Yeerk Pool felt for her.
I heard a lone car drive past outside. That, and the continued pitter-patter of rain, were the only two sounds I could hear from the outside world.
We lay quietly together, Yalran squeezing my hands together every so often. We must have looked so relaxed, lying there like that - a far cry from how either of us really were.
Finally, I tested my yeerk's control, and found that I was once again in command. I got up and began to pace, anxious to move, anxious to remind myself that this body was my own. I glanced in the direction of my closed bedroom door, and then looked away.
I thought back to those alien memories, of swimming blind and limbless. There'd been so many yeerks around me, all echolocating, all making their presence known. And yet, none had spoken to me - spoken to Yalran - save for Kessam. Yalran would have loved it if the others had talked; I didn't even need her memories to know that.
((Hey, Yalran? Why don't more yeerks speak in the Pool?))
She hummed with my mouth. ((Because it's…rude!)) she exclaimed. ((It's for grubs! And tripartites!))
I blinked again, and frowned. That word, "tripartite" - had I heard it before?
((It's a…set of three. Three yeerks. You know, for…more grubs.)) She bit my lip gently, and I could a feel a faint embarrassment flowing through our connection. She moved one of my hands up to my face, as though stifling a giggle. ((We still need a third, you know. Not for grubs or anything, but…it'll be nice, right?))
She sounded so sincere when she said that, like it would indeed be nice, like it would be the nicest thing she could ever have. I should have been angry, I told myself; I should have been furious, even. Who was she to fantasise about getting her third, when I'd be locked away in a cage the whole time?
And yet…it would be nice for her. I knew that it would. A third member of her little "tripartite" would mean more time together, less time alone, less time to think about things that were better not to think of.
I continued to pace around. Yalran kept quiet, but she was listening to my thoughts, and she was listening closely. I don't know how I knew that, but I did.
'It would,' I whispered. I wiped at my eyes. 'I know it would.'
I hardly knew what to think, nor what I was even supposed to think. There I was, smiling - smiling - at the thought of my yeerk having her tripartite in the Pool, even as my eyes threatened to spill with tears.
((Beth, you…you really…)) She took control suddenly, crossing my arms over my chest. ((You're amazing, Beth. You really are.))
I practically melted into her hug - a hug that encompassed my mind and my body both. She closed my eyes, sighing slowly, relaxing my shoulders. It was impossible to not feel relaxed, impossible to hold onto the tension within me. Yalran's grip on my body was light as a feather, and I was sure I could have moved. But moving would have broken the moment, and I didn't want to break this moment - not not, not yet.
((Hey, Beth?)) Yalran asked softly. ((Can I show you something else?))
That broke the moment. I couldn't help but shudder, knowing as I did what "showing me" would mean. Could I really be immersed in Yalran's world again? Could I really be a yeerk a second time?
((What is it?)) I asked.
Yalran had pulled away from her hug, though she still had my arms crossed over, and I worried for a moment that I'd hurt her feelings.
((Memories,)) Yalran replied. She didn't sound hurt - far from it. ((Memories of…being in you.))
She wanted to show me. She desperately wanted to show me. I could hear that desperation in her voice.
((You…)) I began. ((You…do it. Do it.))
This was what I'd wanted, was it not? To know the life of a yeerk, inside of a host and out. I'd gone too far with this to back down now.
Yalran numbed my body. My room swam before my eyes. And Yalran was there, right there, ready to flood me with memories I couldn't possibly hold back.
Oh Lord, I was so not ready for this.
((Beth? You okay?))
And just like that, I'd snapped back to reality. Her hold on me lifted. My body was mine.
((I…yeah, I'm fine,)) I replied.
I wasn't fine. Yalran would know I wasn't fine. I wasn't ready to be a yeerk again. I'd probably never be ready to be a yeerk again.
((I'll be fine, Yalran. Really.))
She nodded my head, numbed my body, closed my eyes.
For a moment, I felt her at the edge of my thoughts, tantalising close and yet so so far. She seemed to grow and grow around me, a building phantom pressure in my skull, like a raging river ready to burst its banks.
I was floating in darkness, floating in nothing, floating…floating…
And then the memories came and consumed me whole.
I felt the gentle breeze against Beth's skin, and saw the blue sky above. She was walking under her own power, looking all over at the gorgeous world around her - an involuntary host, fully in control!
My name was Yalran Five-Four-Eight. Human school was finished for the day. Beth and I were alone now.
And I'd given her control.
It was amazing, more amazing than I'd ever hoped. I'd thought she'd try to shout out if I gave her the chance. I'd thought she'd try to run, and leave me no choice but to take control right back.
But she wasn't doing that. She was just looking around, walking slowly, enjoying the control, enjoying her body.
I nudged at her mind. ((You really are amazing, you know.))
My host stopped. 'Hmm?'
No, I thought. No! What if someone noticed? What if someone saw? But even as I went to take charge, she started forwards again, and I fell back without a word.
((What do you mean?)) Beth asked me.
She didn't know - she honestly, truly didn't know! I sensed her confusion, and her curiosity too.
((Well, just look at you,)) I said. ((You have your whole body, and you're not even thinking about trying to run. Or thinking about shouting. Or anything, really. You're just…))
Living. Watching and enjoying the world around her. Knowing her body's gifts and appreciating those gifts in a way that so few humans ever did.
((You're doing what you always do, aren't you?)) I said.
((What's that?)) she asked. She kept walking without even missing a step.
((Making the best of it,)) I explained. ((That's what you do, right?))
It was what she always did. Or nearly always, at least. She was truly the best host I could ever have had.
She stopped at a crosswalk. Humans in their cars whizzed by from side to side - all those colours, all those shapes! I watched them, moving Beth's eyes, wanting to take in every last drop of the view before us. And my host - she stood there, letting me do it, without the slightest complaint! Her whole body was hers, save for her eyes - and she wasn't even thinking of trying to run, or trying to fight!
The traffic light turned red. I gave her eyes back to her, and then watched her cross the road.
((And that, right then!)) I exclaimed. ((How many hosts are actually okay with being used like that? How many think hosts think like that?))
((Oh come on, just my eyes? That was nothing.)) She shrugged her shoulders, and a surge of elation swept through her at having made that simple motion. ((Besides, I know how much you like them.)) She smiled gently.
(("Like" them? Your eyes are amazing, Beth! Human eyes are amazing! All those colours! All those patterns!))
I surged forwards down the sidewalk, my host's hair blowing behind me in the wind. I felt the push and pull of muscles as they smoothly obeyed my commands. I grinned with her mouth, felt the muscles in her cheeks.
Such a beautiful world she lived in - such a huge and colourful wonderful world! Such a…
…Wait, no! No! I stopped at once, realising my mistake far too late. Beth wouldn't start running like that; I shouldn't start running like that! My host's vision darted to and fro as I looked around, fearful of humans' watchful eyes. No-one had noticed me, though - no-one at all. A human walked her dog on the other side of the road, and cars continued to drive past, but that was all. Nobody was looking my way.
And so I slipped to the back of Beth's mind, leaving her to walk home the rest of the way. She deserved that much. She deserved so much more besides.
((Sorry,)) I said. ((I guess your whole body is amazing, really.))
She smiled inside, and outside too. She felt happy, once again. And so did I.
And with that, Yalran opened my eyes.
She had me on my side in bed, my knees right up to my chest, my arms locked in a tight self-hug. She'd wrapped herself around my mind like a warm blanket, and I eagerly relaxed into it.
((That's what it's like, Beth. To have a host. That's what it's like.))
I gave a little mental nod, and felt my shoulders sag. I couldn't seem to bring myself to form words.
((You humans have a whole world up here. A world of colour, and sound, and taste, and…we don't have that. We don't have any of that. Not without our hosts.))
I nodded again in my mind. I even felt my neck twitch a little. I was so overpowered by her hug that I was only half-listening.
((It's why we need them, Beth. It's why we need hosts. You see that now, right?))
I heard myself gasp. And then I realised that I'd gasped myself. I was listening now, her hug forgotten.
((So I can't stop recruiting, Beth. We need our hosts.))
I could feel the covers against the bare skin on my arms. Her hold on me was light, so light.
((No, Yalran,)) I told her, my voice firm.
She rolled me over, huddling against herself. ((But you saw! You saw what it's like. And…and you got it! You understood! I know you did!)) She rolled me from one side to the other, making my vision dart all around. ((How can you still say that we don't need hosts when you-))
((Quiet!))
She froze, tensing up just about every muscle that would tense. Her level of control shifted like mad. Little sensations struck me in bursts, fading and then striking me again.
((I get it, Yalran!)) I kept trying to move, but she just wasn't letting go. ((Being out of me is awful. It's truly awful. I get that!))
((Then you do know why!)) She twisted my body almost painfully. ((I have to recruit! I-))
((Stop!))
She rolled me onto my back. She didn't say anything more, but I could hear myself breathing hard. I clenched my hands into fists, and realised that she'd again dropped her control.
((You don't -need- to recruit, Yalran! None of you yeerks do! And you don't need to do all of…this!))
I imagined the Yeerk Pool, imagined those screaming and crying people trapped in the cages. I imagined myself being dragged to those very same cages and locked inside. Yeerks were doing that. Yalran was doing that.
((But there aren't enough voluntaries, Beth. There aren't enough hosts of any kind!))
((And that makes it okay!? To do what you're doing to those people!? To steal those peoples' lives!?))
I looked at my door: at that closed door that I wasn't allowed to open, that I was never allowed to open. My own life lay beyond that door, utterly out of my grasp: Mom, Dad, Ben, and everything else.
Yalran wanted that life. She'd told me she wanted that life. And she did have that life - my life.
But Helen wasn't part of that life now. My best friend belonged to the yeerks now, trapped in her body, trapped in her own mind.
Because I hadn't fought. Because I'd been a good little host. Because I'd cooperated like a total fool.
((Beth, no!)), Yalran cried. ((Don't think that!)) She wrenched my neck to the other side. ((You're not a fool! You're amazing! You always were!))
She meant it. Oh God, she meant it. I knew from her memories that she meant it. I tried to move my neck, and then tried in vain to move anything at all. Yalran was in control once again.
((But I don't want to be amazing!)) I wailed. ((I want my body! I want my life! I want…I want…))
I wanted to do something. I wanted to not sit back anymore. I wanted to not let Yalran have her way.
Yalran widened my eyes. ((Beth, what are you-))
I wasn't thinking straight. I wouldn't have done what I did if I was thinking straight.
But I did do it, right there and right then: the one thing I'd promised Yalran I would never again do.
I hurled myself at her control with everything I had.
