The Konoha Shinobi…
They were still here…
And if she was being quite honest, they weren't exactly causing trouble or anything. But still, they were too much for Yoshiko to keep up with. As a civilian, she'd never been past Suna's borders and because of that fact, never interacted with ninja outside of Suna. But she'd heard all about Konoha Shinobi, especially the current generation of Shinobi. They were a bunch of foolhardy morons who did all they could to accomplish their goals. Something was in their waters because every single Shinobi carried that reputation. They were destructive, presumptuous assholes and it was like they were always ready for a fight. They're loud ninja with gaudy techniques and over the top bloodlines inherited from clans that thought too highly of themselves.
She could see that in Naruto and Sasuke. Hinata's traits were more watered down, more tamed but even she wasn't exempt from the stereotype. Even if that was the case, she seemed entirely too relaxed with any of their shenanigans. Which also proved to be rather irritating for Yoshi. The Konoha ninja, when they weren't off spreading misery, were far too laidback. They remained mostly nonchalant and easy going, even in different territory.
"Kazekage-sama, I don't mean to be rude but...your wife's team…" she began on the third day, nearly pouting. Speaking of the team, she could literally see them if she looked out of the window. They seemed to be locked in some sort of disagreement with Hinata trying (not very hard, in Yoshi's opinion) to get them to settle down. "Why haven't they returned to Konoha yet?"
Gaara looked up, throwing a furtive glance out of the window as well. Xin, of course, was with them but whatever they were disagreeing on served to only amuse her. He nearly forgot that Yoshi had asked him a question in the first place. He tended to do that a lot, whenever it involved Xin. "Tsunade made it clear that she wanted Konoha's team to monitor her health for some days before going home. Are they giving you a hard time?"
They were Konoha-bred, their very presence gave her a hard time.
"Well, no, I was just curious…" she trailed off almost sullenly. She didn't want to offend anyone, especially not rabid tempered Konoha ninja. "About your wife…"
Gaara took a deep breath before his eyes finally fell back onto Yoshiko. "Look, Yoshi, I know my wife has a bit of a temper—"
If Yoshiko hadn't been raised with impeccable manners, she would have snorted. A bit? The woman was batshit.
"—and a violent streak but that's only if you push her that far. I know better than anyone that sometimes she's hard to deal with when she's angry but that's only when she's angry."
"But Kazekage-sama—"
"You aren't innocent, Yoshi, and I'm warning you right now that you being a civilian will not stop her from trying to strangle you. When she isn't angry, she's a pleasant woman to be around. Stop trying to piss her off, there's only so much we can do to ease her temper."
Yoshiko pouted like a petulant child. She wasn't trying to do anything; she was just doing her job. "She has to have respect for authority figures, Kazekage-sama. She can't just come back and do as she pleases. What will the villagers think if she comes and goes?"
"She's my wife, they won't think much of it."
Gaara wanted to laugh. The funny thing about Xin is that she respected anyone who respected her. The reason why she butted heads with the council so often was because they constantly tried to play her for a fool. He was sure that if Yoshiko hadn't crossed her when they first met, their relationship wouldn't be so rocky. Granted, Xin still wouldn't like the idea of her being his assistant, but she probably wouldn't be so willing to break her ankles or some shit.
"Yoshiko," Gaara's voice was low and cutting, causing her to shrink back with a blush streaking across her face. "For your safety and my sanity, don't piss that woman off."
She wanted to argue against him, to insist it wasn't her fault. His wife was the one who openly threatened her, why was she being scolded? She was the one who threatened violence against her, shouldn't Xin be the one in trouble? She was innocent. Mai had warned her all about the Kazekage's missing wife. She'd been warned not to let her unassuming appearance fool her into a false sense of security. Her small stature and soft features could easily lead anyone into believing that she was no threat, that she was just some soft faced medic from Konoha.
Only to find out that her temper was worse than a twelve-year-old Gaara and that unlike him, she was totally willing to break someone's wrist to get her point across now. Truly Yoshiko felt as if she'd been tricked by her own grandmother. She was fully aware of how difficult and temperamental the lady could be, but she was unaware of her willingness to hurt people at the drop of a dime. She couldn't understand why Gaara would willingly marry such a woman. She was...for the lack of a better word, mean. She was no good and certainly not good enough for him. He couldn't stay married to that woman.
Especially since she couldn't handle pregnancy.
It was something still unknown to Mai, but Yoshiko knew all about the miscarriage. Well, that wasn't necessarily true, she didn't know all about it, but she knew that the lady suffered one during her time away. It was bad enough that she was stealing letters in the first place, once she skimmed some of the letters and realized the intimacy, she decided to stop reading them.
But still...being unable to conceive was an issue for the couple. Mai had said on more than one occasion that the lady's only saving grace was her Dojutsu. Konoha Shinobi were so arrogant because they could back it up. Aided by their Dojutsu and family's techniques, they could go toe to toe with practically anyone who were dumb enough to do so. And the lady, little as she was, was one of the worst offenders. She was an excellent kunoichi, well versed in her family's techniques and a powerhouse. She was confident in her abilities, but it was her freakish determination that could take down any adversary. And because of her soft features, her small form, people underestimated her, and she used it against them.
Suna wanted that. Suna wanted a powerful Dojutsu, watered down or not. They might turn their noses at Konoha ninja, but they still craved the Will of Fire. The will to do anything and everything for their village, their country. They wanted that sheer determination for the future of Suna, to pass along the lady's genes. Her talented skills, her freakish tenacity, her sly intelligence, her unbreakable will. Everything Konoha ninja were disliked for. The combined genes of the lady and Kazekage could spawn something great for Suna. They could use their children like they'd been used before in their youth. They would twist those children around, send them to wage silent wars with rival villages and the cycle would repeat.
If the lady could carry a pregnancy.
Yoshiko hadn't told Mai about the discovery; Mai wasn't even aware that Yoshiko had hidden away the letters in the first place. Now, she didn't think highly of the lady, she didn't even like the woman. But...but...there was something just so wrong about using a miscarriage against another woman. It just...it felt wrong.
Mai would reprimand her for it. As much as Yoshiko didn't want to admit it, politicians tended to use any means for their gain. That may include guilting a woman into asking for a divorce. If they could twist it to their liken, they could ease her into wanting divorce. They could convince her that because she lost one pregnancy, she had no real worth to the Kazekage.
It seemed just wrong.
She kept the information to herself, struggling with trying to figure out what to do with it. She could use it against the opposing woman. She could use it to her advantage to hold something over her. They didn't like one another, and Yoshiko was convinced that the lady didn't even deserve the Kazekage. Yoshiko had to wonder though; would the lady hesitate on retaliating once she found out what happened to her letters?
No.
Xin never hesitated.
One thing hadn't changed about Xin.
Her odd inability for emotional confrontation. Put her into a physical confrontation and she'd go headlong into danger with barely any questions asked. But when it came to anything that involved her more raw and vulnerable emotions, she floundered.
And that wasn't to say that Gaara was so much better at emotional confrontations. They both fell somewhat short on the emotional spectrum and maybe that could be blamed on their disastrous childhood, but they were adults now. They were two functioning adults who were married and were even considering children at some point. Being emotionally stunted would not bode well for any offspring in the future, the cycle would just be repeated, and they were trying to avoid that.
Gaara wasn't sure what was up with her, but she was...in a sense, avoiding him. It wasn't that she couldn't be in the same room as him, she was just fine in his presence. Everything was fine and normal. It was when he showed her affection that she started to act odd. Chaste kisses were just fine with her but whenever his actions escalated, she somehow managed to get away. He'd catch her alone to press kisses to her mouth but whenever he pressed her against the nearest surface, she'd wriggle out of his hold, smile nervously at him and quickly escape with some excuse or another. He didn't think much of her behavior seeing as how her team were still staying with them, maybe she didn't want them to see her being so affectionate with him. But hell, he could barely kiss her without her freaking out and dashing away.
It was something much deeper, but he couldn't figure it out.
Maybe she wasn't...attracted to him anymore? Maybe with her being gone for so long, she'd fallen out of love with him. Yoshiko had once questioned her faithfulness and he brushed it off, dismissing the thought. It wasn't in Xin's character. Besides, he rationalized, Xin didn't have an 'old flame' back in Konoha. She hadn't the time to date anyone since she was too busy being a killing machine for Konoha. He doubted anything was different since this time around she was dealing with all the wrongs of her life.
He thought to ask Temari if she noticed some sort of change in the clanswoman but decided not to. It would make for an awkward conversation to explain to his sister than he wanted to throw his wife down and unwrap her like a goddamn present and she'd been avoiding that. Temari would point out that Xin was not an object and she shouldn't be treated as such.
Which, of course, was true and he didn't think of her as an object. He was just...he was just so touched-starved. He hadn't been with her in months and fuck, he missed just touching her. He was so tightly wound that he'd probably come undone by a well-placed brush of her hand.
It was..bad.
But every time he pulled her close, kissed her hard and slipped a hand under her clothes, she was leaning away with a nervous smile.
Gaara watched as Xin mumbled something about needing to take a shower before dashing out of the kitchen without a backwards glance. He took a deep breath and bowed his head, pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation.
He felt like a fuckin' fiend.
From that moment he'd hit puberty and understood what it meant to be intimate with someone, he'd been unbothered. He was a psychotic killing machine back then, he didn't have time for the bullshit. But now, he suddenly had a taste of Hyuga Xin and had been hooked ever since. But he didn't just want the sex. He wanted all the intimacy that came with it, he wanted to just lay with her, naked and unabashed while smothering tired chuckles and lazy jokes. He wanted all of that again. He wanted to just kiss her, to grab her by the ass and just squeeze because she was finally there. He wanted her to flop down into his lap like she'd done many times before.
Something was off with her and he needed to figure out what.
"Gaara? Are you okay?" Hinata was suddenly there in the kitchen, head tilted to the side in question. He was surprised the team was still around, figuring they'd get tired of being out of Konoha for so long. But they seemed to be just fine, more interested in looking after Xin before finally making their way home.
"Fine," he grumbled, barely looking at her. He wasn't in the mood to deal with Hinata, she looked far too much like her damn sister. "I'm fine, Hinata," he said in a firmer tone, finally gracing her with a look. She didn't look convinced in the slightest, eyebrows raised in disbelief. A friendship between the two had been unlikely but somehow managed to develop. It was strange, if he was being honest, but wasn't entirely unwelcome. Hinata was a naturally kind soul. Once upon a time he hadn't thought much of her, having a low opinion on the entire Hyuga family but Hinata proved time and time again that she was willing to support her sister fully. She was a sweet woman and only wanted the best for Xin, no matter how difficult she could be.
"Are you sure? You seem frustrated."
"Your sister does that to me. She's acting odd," he muttered.
Hinata smiled softly, a mischievous quirk to her lips. "That's Xin for you," she hummed, sitting down at the kitchen table. Gaara laughed quietly while joining her, amused that Xin's oddness was just a part of her personality.
He took a deep breath and rubbed harshly at his eye, wanting to avoid the topic. "Did..something happen in Konoha?" he asked before realizing that that was a broad question. "Involving another...man? Romantically?" Gaara nearly cringed at the awkwardness of it all. He didn't know how to deal with these sorts of situations, and it was quite obvious at the moment.
Hinata's amused smile dropped immediately and she drew back like she was actually offended. "Are you asking me if Xin cheated on you? Gaara…" she shook her head, this time clearly offended. "You realize how ridiculous that question is, don't you? For the majority of her time in Konoha, Xin wandered around in an amnesiac fog and then the remaining time was spent mourning that miscarriage. When would she find the time to have a romantic relationship?"
"She's acting odd…" he propped his hand against his mouth. "A different kind of odd. She won't let me…" Gaara paused, cringing again. He didn't want to have this sort of conversation with his own sister and having it with Xin's sister was just as awkward. Gaara closed his eyes at that point, trying hard to gather himself. "She won't let me touch her. She'll let me kiss her, but she always has a reason to run off if things begin to escalate."
Hinata kept her composure but he noticed her slow frown. A sense of dread settled over him almost immediately. "I'm not forcing myself on her, Hinata."
"No, that's not what I was thinking at all," Hinata said quickly, face finally flushing. "I know you love her, and she loves you, you wouldn't do that. Besides, I'm positive that if someone tried to force themselves on her, she'd break their hand. She almost did that in Konoha. A man was being pushy one night and she nearly broke his hand, but Naruto intervened," Hinata explained with a quick smile, realizing her frown was a reason that Gaara was so defensive. "But cheating on you...Xin would never. I'm not sure why she's acting this way…"
"She didn't have a romantic relationship with Sasuke's older brother?"
Hinata paused, squinting at him. "Itachi? You think she had a romantic relationship with Itachi?" she pressed, trying her best to understand. Gaara didn't say anything, continuing to stare at her with an impassive look to his face. "They didn't have a romantic relationship, Gaara. Itachi is like an older brother to the both of us."
Gaara sat back in his chair, frowning all the while. "I can't say for sure what's wrong with her, I have a couple of ideas, but it isn't my place to say. I can speak to her and maybe see if she's willing to talk to you or not," she suggested in a soft tone. He nodded, knowing Hinata wouldn't say much if she knew exactly what was wrong. It was understandable since it was Xin's feelings and not hers to just talk freely about her issues.
"I appreciate it," Gaara sighed heavily, knowing it was the best he was going to get. They both left the kitchen after that, joining everyone in the living room. Gaara watched as Hinata approached Temari, leaning over the back of the couch to mutter into the blonde's ear. Temari listened to whatever Hinata was saying before slowly nodding. He was surprised with how well his sister meshed with Xin's sister. They were the exact opposite with Hinata being a soft-spoken woman while Temari was more of a stern woman. The two would have never interacted under normal circumstances without Xin and Gaara's marriage but it was nice that the two got along so naturally.
Xin came down the stairs moments later, dressed in a black shirt and matching pants. It wasn't like her to dress like that, usually opting to wear thin tank tops due to the heat. He noticed immediately but didn't say anything since they weren't alone. She greeted him with an almost nervous smile, approaching him carefully. Hinata and Temari were both watching as she leaned up on the tips of her toes to kiss his cheek, hands curling around his bicep to lean carefully against him. He noted, oddly enough, that she was purposely not leaning all of her weight against him. She didn't weigh much to begin with and it never bothered him when she actually laid her full weight against him.
"We're going to the hot springs today so don't expect Xin to come toting lunch for you," Temari spoke up at that point, noticing the odd look in his eyes as he regarded the shorter woman. "I'm sure you'll be able to feed yourself, right?"
"That psychotic assistant of yours will jump at the chance to feed you today," Naruto grinned impishly. Xin instantly began to pout violently and for a moment considered the idea of leaving the hot springs early. Sasuke, however, leaned over and smacked Naruto upside the back of his head. He muttered for the blond to shut the hell up. It made Gaara wonder just how close the Hyuga sisters were to the Uchihas.
Temari dragged Xin away at that moment before she could go on an angry rant and threaten to rip Yoshiko's lungs out. Kankuro waited until the door closed safely before looking back at Naruto. "I think you're going to get Yoshi killed."
Naruto continued to grin.
"Alright, we're alone. What's wrong with you?"
Xin paused in meticulously folding her clothes to glance at Temari. She frowned in confusion; head tilted to the side. On her other side, Hinata was sighing. She would have preferred to approach the situation carefully but what's done is done. However, Xin tended to react better with straightforward questions. "Nothing is wrong with me, why do you ask?" she tilted her head to the side. Temari peered over Xin's head to look at Hinata, eyebrows quirked to show just how unimpressed she was. Xin turned to her sister, eyebrows pulling together. "You think something is wrong with me?"
"Gaara thinks that," Hinata answered while turning away. She led the two towards the water, smiling at the herbal smells wafting from the water. "Truthfully, I hadn't noticed anything at first, but I wasn't really looking in that sense since it's….well, it's not usually something I would really be concerned about…" Hinata trailed off. Xin lowered herself into the water, her head falling back almost instantly. Her shoulders lost their tenseness while she literally melted further and further into the water until it reached her nose.
"Has Gaara done something to make you uncomfortable?" Temari suddenly asked, never one for beating around the bush. "I know you've had issues since your miscarriage and it's understandable," she said while watching Xin's eyes pop open. "But has he done something that would make you uncomfortable?"
"What? Like touching me inappropriately?" Xin snorted while sitting up.
Neither woman was fooled, knowing full well that Xin tended to deflect with humor when she was generally uncomfortable with the topic of discussion. They weren't sure if Xin would ever break that particular habit.
"Just because you're married doesn't mean you owe him anything," Temari replied in a surprisingly soft tone.
Xin blinked wide eyed at her, jaw tightening. "I know that," she said quickly. "But Gaara hasn't done anything to make me uncomfortable, Temari. You know he's not the type to do something like that…" she trailed off, almost horrified at what was being implied. "What is this even about?"
Temari looked at Hinata, eyebrows raised. Hinata's shoulder slumped. "I was talking to Gaara in the kitchen this morning. He thinks...maybe you aren't attracted to him or that there might be..someone else in Konoha."
"Someone else?" she repeated sharply, at a total loss. How Gaara could come to that sort of conclusion was beyond her. "What the hell? Where would he get an idea like that from?" she demanded, nearly surging to her feet.
"I'm guessing you, you idiot," Temari rolled her eyes.
"He was telling me this morning that you..you've been acting a little strange every time he does more than kiss you."
A red blush took over Xin's face. She purposely avoided their prying stares, pouting all the while. "I...that isn't the case...oh my God…" she managed to say, skin practically glowing red. "Shit, this is embarrassing…"
"Xin, you can tell us if there's something wrong."
She didn't seem so sure but eventually relented. "There isn't someone else or anything ridiculous like that," she said more for Temari's sake. Hinata spent too much time with her to already know that. "It's just that..ah...I…" she was struggling to form words. "I don't like how I look anymore. I wasn't really training and staying in shape, so I lost a lot of muscle mass…"
Temari and Hinata were quiet as her words sank in. Temari sat up a little straighter, frowning all the while. "You're acting out of sorts because you're...embarrassed?" she pieced together slowly. She watched with squinted eyes as Xin's face heated while sinking down into the water. Hidden from view at the moment, Temari tried to see Xin's appearance in her mind. Honestly, she didn't look all too different. Sure, her muscle mass had diminished, and she looked more soft than usual, but it wasn't unattractive.
Of course after stressing her body to its breaking point, she would need time to recover. No one expected her to get right back up and stay in shape. She couldn't speak from experience because Temari hadn't suffered from a breakdown nor a miscarriage, but she couldn't expect anyone to just bounce back from that. It was understandable that Xin wasn't in peak condition at the moment.
"Xin…" Hinata trailed off in a tone of disbelief. "You can't possibly believe that Gaara would think differently of you because you aren't as physically fit anymore." She was disappointed but Sakura had stressed that a lot of Xin's way of thinking had to do with her instability. Logically she knew Gaara didn't have a problem with the way she looked but her emotions were all over the place.
"I can't help it," Xin said quickly with a stiff lip. "Every time he touches anything besides my waist, I think, 'Fuck, he's gonna see how out of shape I am and be turned off'."
"Maybe you should express that to him. He'll just make his own assumptions until he probably snaps and this whole thing turns into an argument," Temari suggested, watching as Xin seemed to pull into herself. She pursed her lips before slowly making her way over to sit next to Xin. "Be honest, what is this really about? I know you. I know there's something deeper."
Hinata slid around to Xin's other side, essentially boxing her in. "We're not here to judge you, you know that…"
Xin didn't immediately reply. She rolled her lips apprehensively. She wanted to ask just how the hell Temari knew there was an underlying problem but realized that she spent enough time with Temari and Hinata for them to just know. "It's just...what if we get careless and there's another pregnancy? What if I can't...what if there's another miscarriage?" Xin asked while steadily avoiding their gazes. She began twisting her fingers together. "I didn't want to be a parent, I thought I would be dead now. When Sakura told me the bad news, I felt so..disappointed. And I don't want to feel that again."
"I think that's fair. You're scared, Xin."
"I am not—"
"You are. You're scared of the trauma; you're scared of the aftermath and you're scared that you're going to disappoint Gaara."
"You sound like Sakura."
Temari shot her a meaningful look. "Look, you feeling not up to par is understandable. Having the doubts you have, that's fine too. What isn't fine is avoiding telling your husband these things. You're married, your problems are his problems and vice versa."
"Temari is right, Xin. Gaara can't support you if you don't tell him what's wrong, he isn't a mind reader."
Xin sank down further, feeling outnumbered. "I'm just supposed to know all of this."
Temari shrugged, "It's basic human decency."
"I'm not a decent person."
"Shut up, Xin."
Xin took a deep breath, puffing her cheeks out in exasperation. Her conversation with Temari and Hinata weighed heavily on her and she felt a sense of guilt overtake. She hadn't meant to make Gaara feel like she wasn't attracted to him anymore. Hell, she was afraid that it was going to be the opposite. But still, Sakura was always going on and on about expressing herself and Temari had said the same thing basically. And really, how the fuck was she just supposed to know these things? When the hell did everyone become therapists all of a sudden anyway?
She tapped her foot against the floor nervously. One thing hadn't changed and that was that she hated having emotional confrontations. Physical confrontations, she could deal with. Angry arguments, fine, she could take those. But those heart-wrenching talks with watery eyes and wobbly lips? Those made her cringe. Usually because she was the one with the watery eyes and wobbling lip. It made her feel vulnerable, weak. Xin hated feeling that way. Sometimes she liked it better when she was emotionally stunted and didn't have to deal with these sorts of things. Before she got married. Before Gaara.
But Hell, she'd been lonely.
Relationships aren't perfect and hers was far from it. However, it would never flourish if she continued on her with behavior. She had to be held accountable for her actions and her actions were hurting Gaara, involuntarily or not.
Xin knocked and then opened the door, peeking in. Gaara glanced up, eyes lighting up in both confusion and affection. She felt a bit of guilt because he looked so happy to see her. She noticed, with obvious relief, that Yoshiko wasn't currently present at that moment. "Honey," she sang sweetly while stepping into the room. "Can I talk to you? It's important," she muttered under her breath. He blinked at her, somewhat surprised that she was being so formal. Under normal circumstances, she would have stormed in there on a rampage. Gaara nodded and motioned for her to come forward, wondering what was bothering her so much.
She approached and rounded the desk, leaning her weight against it. Her arms folded defensively against her chest; lips pursed almost stubbornly. "Hinata and Temari talked to me while we were at the hot springs today.." she began, avoiding having to look at him. "They told me some things…."
He didn't say anything, knowing it was best to let her just take her time. She'd get flustered and angry if he pushed her buttons.
"I'm still attracted to you," Xin said quickly with a frustrated look. "And I wasn't seeing anyone or something like that in Konoha," her arms tightened with each passing second. "I would never do something like that.." she mumbled in a tiny voice.
"Not even for the older Uchiha?"
Xin finally looked at him, looking quite disturbed. "Itachi? You think I had a thing going with Itachi? Oh my God…" she trailed off. "Okay, you know what? I had a crush on him when I was a kid, before I lost my shit. It would have never gone anywhere," she slid along the desk until she was leaning against it right in front of him. Her arms finally uncurled from her chest, small hands reaching for his larger one. Gaara let her grab his hand, letting her run her fingers across his knuckles. "I am so undeniably in love with you," Xin said earnestly. "It was a crush, but I got over it and Itachi has always looked at me like a little sister. And I'm still very much attracted to you, that will never change. Me acting weird lately has nothing to do with you and entirely to do with me. I'm sorry for making you feel unsure, we're married, we should never feel unsure about one another."
"You're sure I didn't do something to make you feel uncomfortable? You can tell me," Gaara pressed, knowing Xin had a habit of bottling up her vulnerable emotions. Xin smiled sadly and pressed her lips to the tips of his fingers and to the palm of his hand.
"I am telling you; you didn't do anything. It's me, it's just me and my…" she trailed off, pausing. Her eyebrows drew together, and her sad smile dropped in favor of an embarrassed smile. "My silly insecurities. I was insecure, that's all...it's fine.." she felt angry at herself for backing out, but she felt ridiculous. She told Temari and Hinata that she would be truthful with Gaara but now that it was time for it, she was losing her nerve.
Gaara loved her, she knew that much. Her appearance changing, even in the slightest, wouldn't change that. She knew that for a fact but there was just this little...niggling at the back of her head. The 'what if?' niggle. It wouldn't go away no matter how hard she tried to ignore it.
Gaara pulled his hand away from her to catch her by the wrist before she could retreat and run off to hide away. His expression was serious, almost stern. "You can't keep running from your problems, Xin. It's not fine. Tell me what it is so I can make it fine."
"Gaara, you can't make this fine. It's just something I have to eventually get over," she said quickly. She hated that she was still so uncomfortable with talking about her more softer feelings. It was an issue that she might always struggle with, having been so used to locking them away.
"Getting over it is not the same as getting past it."
Xin huffed, wondering if he'd always been quite this stubborn. She inhaled deeply, feeling quite silly. "I just...it's….when I was in Konoha, I had a hard time doing anything. I didn't have the motivation or the energy. At first it was because of the amnesia but then it was just the stress, the miscarriage, everything was overwhelming me at once. I didn't keep up on my training a lot. I sparred every now and then, just to keep myself from getting stiff but…"
Gaara listened intently, hairless brows crinkling with every word that fell out of her mouth. He blinked several times, head twitching to the side. "Are you trying to tell me that you think I'm not attracted to you anymore because you aren't as physically fit?"
Xin pouted petulantly. "I told you that it was just silly insecurities."
Gaara took a deep breath and coaxed her closer, pulling her to his lap. He settled his arms around her, hands against her thighs. "If it makes you feel a certain way, it's not silly," he said instead. "Xin, you don't have to kill yourself trying to say in shape or anything like that. You look fine to me. I'm still very much attracted to you; nothing will change that."
She didn't look the least bit convinced, still pouting. "You're just saying that. I'm not...I look awful," she muttered sullenly. "I can't believe you actually thought I was fooling around with someone else looking the way I look."
"You have no idea just how attractive you are," Gaara muttered with a deep sigh. "I think you look fine, Xin, perfect even. You don't have to worry about me being turned off."
Xin finally smiled, albeit weakly. "Does that mean I turn you on?"
Gaara shrugged a shoulder, "all the time."
Xin's head leaned back as she released a laugh. She was blushing but he could still see the traces of sadness in the shadows of her face. "I just…" she began once she got her fits of giggles under control. "What if we aren't careful again and I..what if I have another miscarriage? What if something is really wrong and I keep losing children?"
"We'll be careful if that's what you want. We're young, children can wait."
"But we're ninja...nothing is promised.."
"So you do want children?"
"Well….yes…"
Gaara blinked at her, somewhat surprised. He always assumed that she would have children more so because he wanted a child. He wasn't even sure if it was something that she really wanted for herself. "So...we try for children then…" he trailed off, not entirely sure of what she wanted. He wouldn't push for her to make a choice, knowing it was a real struggle for her to overcome.
"I'm just scared," she confessed quietly. "I don't want you to get your hopes up for a kid and then my body can't handle it again."
"We can adopt, Xin, if you're really that afraid."
Her voice dropped to a soft whisper and her eyes looked as if they would fill with tears at any second. "But...but I want your children," she revealed with a sad look about her. "I want them to look like you. I want to see you in their smiles and eyes and….I don't know, I'm just so scared…"
Honestly, Gaara was touched by her confession. They had come a long way from vehemently arguing and hating one another to actually wanting to have children, willingly. It was enough to give someone actual whiplash. Hell, it nearly gave him whiplash. Like Xin, he never thought he'd be married and discussing children. Not because he thought he'd be dead like her..he just thought it would be difficult in meeting a woman who'd be able to look beyond his past.
He pulled her closer and pressed his face into her neck, smiling quietly. He shouldn't be so happy when she was feeling so insecure and upset but he couldn't help it. He wanted to have children with her, he wanted them to look just like her. They were complete opposites. He wanted those kids to have her smile and beautiful eyes and infectious laughter.
"We'll get there someday," Gaara decided, talking into her skin. He filed the thought of miniature Xins away for the moment. "Let's focus on 'now', okay? You're insecure and that's fine but you have to know that whatever you look like won't change how I feel about you."
"Really? Not even if I blow up like a house and all my hair falls out?"
"Why the hell would your hair fall out?"
"Because of stress, you moron, it could happen."
Gaara snorted into her neck. "Fine, whatever. Yes, even if your hair falls out and you blow up like a house, I'll still love you. You're fine to me, Xin, perfect. You aren't heavy so stop trying to shift your weight back and forth in your legs."
Xin flushed; having thought he hadn't noticed that she'd been trying not to rest all of her weight against him. "Promise?"
"Yes, you silly woman, I promise."
Of course her insecurities wouldn't just go away that easily, nothing was that easy. But now he at least was aware of what was bothering her instead of assuming things. They'd have to work together for her to overcome her issues but Gaara could be patient. He could be patient for her, always for her.
Just as he was about to kiss her, really kiss her, there was another knock at the door. His face pulled immediately, fed up. He patted at her bottom, allowing herself to stand up. Xin looked way too amused, smiling weakly but opting to stand at the edge of his desk to maintain a professional. She was already aware of who was about to come in and she was not in the mood to be berated for showing affection in a workplace environment.
Yoshiko came right in, pausing at the sight of Xin. She was surprised to see Xin, not used to having the woman constantly around. She tried her very best not to violently frown at the sight of her, taking a deep breath instead.
Xin completely ignored Yoshiko, eyes lighting up at the sight of the figure standing behind her. Ukyo peered around Yoshiko, lips pursed into an 'o' shape and eyes wide. "Sensei!" she all but screeched, scaring the living hell out of Yoshiko. No one seemed too concerned for Yoshiko as Ukyo rudely dashed around her to throw herself at the older woman. "You're back!" she continued to screech with a tight grip around Xin's waist. Xin nearly toppled over but laughed instead, arms thrown over Ukyo's shoulders. She was taller than she remembered but to be honest, she really couldn't remember for sure about Ukyo's height. She had a lot of blank spots in her memory, sometimes she just couldn't recall the smallest detail about something. "I can't believe you're finally back, oh my Goodness!" Ukyo continued to cheer. "When did you get back? Are you better now? It's okay if you're not, you know. Oh, I'm so glad to see you. Things weren't the same without you. I kept up with my medical training. I can't wait to show you what I've learned while you've been gone."
"Slow down, Ukyo," Gaara placed his chin in the palm of his hand, smiling in amusement. Ukyo smiled back at him, nodding quickly.
"I'm sorry, I'm just so excited that she's back!"
"Me too," he agreed easily.
Xin laughed almost breathlessly. "It's almost been a week since I've been back. I'm not completely better but I'm okay. I'm so glad to see you too, I've missed you," she replied earnestly, laying her cheek against the crown of Ukyo's head. "I'm glad you kept up with your training even if I wasn't here, I'm proud of you."
She vividly remembered the last time she saw Ukyo. Heartbroken and betrayed that she would leave her behind in Suna to run off after Gaara. She was upset that she had to be so harsh with Ukyo, but the younger girl couldn't cling to her. Xin being away in Konoha was the best thing for Ukyo. It seemed as if she finally began to make the right steps in recovering.
"Are you okay?" she asked quietly.
"I'm….I'm better. Some days are hard but I'm better," Ukyo whispered back, arms still tight around Xin's waist. "I'm just so glad that you're back. I..I thought you were gone for good when everyone came back and you weren't with them…"
"I know, I know. I'm sorry," Xin stepped back out of Ukyo's grip. "Forgive me?" she asked.
"Always, Sensei," Ukyo replied, knowing there was no need to bring up old wounds. They would be okay; things would be okay. They'd been hurt in different ways and had to recover. Now, their bond could be stronger than ever after having to go through hardships. "Ah...before you left...I said some things and I was wrong. Would you please forgive me?"
Xin laughed again; this time much softer. "Of course I forgive you. I could never stay mad at you." She didn't know how to tell her that she simply couldn't remember what Ukyo had said. She was aware that it was bad, recalling frayed and angry emotions but she couldn't remember what had been said. Perhaps it was for the best. "Come on, you can tell me everything that's been going on with you while I've been away. I'm sure I've distracted Gaara enough as it is," Xin looked behind Gaara to shoot him an apologetic grin. He shook his head and waved her concern away. If she was a distraction like she thought, she was well needed.
"That would be for the best," Yoshiko finally spoke up.
Xin glanced at her; head tilted to the side. "Oh, Yoshi, I didn't even see you there. Good afternoon," her smile almost turned mischievous as she walked Ukyo by her. "See you at home, honey! Don't be late either, I think my team is going home soon."
Gaara watched her go, waving at the two. "She forgot about the mission report," Yoshiko sourly noted while approaching his desk.
"She was excited to see Xin; the report can wait."
"You're far too lenient with your wife, Kazekage-sama," Yoshiko shook her head. "Here, the mail for today," she handed him the pile.
Gaara paused, glancing down at the mail. His eyes squinted in thought and then slowly trailed up to look at Yoshiko. She only offered a smile, not following his train of thought.
…..huh.
Gaara was a bit surprised when Naruto and Sasuke dropped by just an hour or two later. Xin and Hinata weren't with them, causing even more confusion. "Your assistant is psychotic," Naruto said first by way of greeting. He was grinning his usual grin but Gaara could see a twitch in his eyebrows.
"She takes her job seriously."
Sasuke arms were folded across his chest and there was a tense set to his mouth. Gaara wasn't that surprised, they never could learn how to get along, and seven or so years later after the Chunin Exams did nothing for their relationship. It wasn't that he disliked Sasuke, he just didn't like him. Either way, he was one of Xin's childhood friends so he couldn't just kick him out of Suna.
"Xin told us that your marriage is an arrangement," Naruto cut right to the chase. Gaara didn't immediately say anything to that. He hadn't been aware that Xin even spoke about the marriage and a heads up would have been nice. But with their luck, she'd probably written about it in one of her missing letters.
"Do you want a confirmation?" Gaara asked after a moment's pause. There wasn't a reason to lie, he was sure they were only aware of the marriage because Xin told them. Why she felt the need to tell anyone was beyond him and he'd have to find out later, but for now, he had to deal with Naruto and Sasuke. "Yes, the marriage was an arrangement."
"So, you used her," Sasuke finally spoke up, dark eyes narrowing to go along with his tense frown.
"No more than Konoha used her," Gaara replied almost immediately. He wasn't sure what it was about the Konoha ninja, but it seemed like they constantly brought out his inner pettiness. It wasn't like he was proud to drag Xin from Konoha and force her into marrying him. She could have said no if she really wanted to. The only problem, he realized somberly, was that she couldn't say no.
Naruto's jaw ticked at the jab. "She says that she's happy, being married to you. We don't have a choice but to believe her—"
"And if she wasn't happy? Would you steal her back?" Gaara asked blankly.
"If she wanted us to," Naruto answered easily.
Gaara tried not to snort. "How would you know if she's lying or not? It's been a year since we married and you're just now becoming aware of the arrangement only because she told you. Xin's a good liar and it's obvious that Konoha will just accept whatever she says. On top of that, it's obvious that Xin will do what's necessary." Gaara wasn't all that impressed. The office was heavy with tension as the three stared at one another. "It's admirable that you think it's necessary to intimidate me because you're concerned for Xin's wellbeing but it's too late for that now. She's fine here."
Sasuke's head twitched to the side and Gaara noted that it was vaguely familiar to all of Xin's odd twitchiness. "Fine?" he scoffed with a hard look in his eyes. "She had a breakdown; you think that's fine?"
Gaara felt a spike in his temper. "Let's not forget that Xin was not of sound mind her entire life. Her breakdown would have happened regardless. Don't pin the blame on me, she came to Suna screwed up. At the rate she was going, Xin would have either had her breakdown or Konoha would have killed her. It's noble that you want to make sure that she's okay here but it's unnecessary. Xin won't have to worry about being sent to her death or spiraling out of control under the radar."
"Are you implying that we don't care about Xin?"
"If you cared more about her, she wouldn't be my wife in the first place."
The room stirred with that heavy tension. Naruto glanced in between the two, frowning. He knew this wouldn't be an easy conversation, but he'd been hoping that Gaara's temperament was better than Sasuke's. But apparently when it came to Xin, his temper was significantly shorter. "Gaara, we love and care for Xin. Maybe we didn't show it enough and we were wrong for that but if Xin can put it behind her, so can you. We just want to know that she'll be okay after everything she's gone through," Naruto tried to say, keeping his tone neutral.
He remembered that day at the graveyard, where they practically ambushed Xin after finding out about her marriage. He remembered seeing her fiery Will come roaring back to life after months and months of wandering around in her depressed fog. He remembered, very clearly, feeling shocked that Xin was borderline suicidal.
"And maybe I was subconsciously suicidal, not that anyone fuckin' noticed!"
Naruto had been thinking about that a lot lately, especially since coming to Suna and seeing Xin practically come alive. Xin hadn't been happy in a long time, hell she hadn't been happy when they were kids in the academy. But now she just seemed genuinely happy in Suna. He wished he could have helped her more, but everyone had their own issues to sort out. Still, he kept thinking, that wasn't a good enough reason to let her spiral out of control. They should've stopped her, talked to her or showed her that she was valued and that she didn't have to fight so hard to feel valued.
It was a lot that should've been done but simply wasn't. They couldn't pigeonhole themselves on what should have been done and what shouldn't have been done. Of course, he would always regret letting one of his oldest friends slip through his hands, but Xin was meant for Suna. She was meant to be with the Sand Siblings, with Jura and the Mikawa family and Ukyo and everyone else who loved her in Suna.
The sound of a sword being pulled from its sheath pulled Naruto from his thoughts. He blinked and drastically paled, Sasuke was pointing his goddamn sword at Gaara.
The blond nearly groaned. He was aware that Sasuke and Gaara didn't necessarily like each other, but this was ridiculous. It wasn't supposed to turn into a fight, it was just supposed to be a conversation concerning Xin's wellbeing, for shit's sake. If she found out about this, she'd strangle them all. "Sasuke…." he trailed off, reaching for his friend's arm. "We didn't come here to start a fight," he reminded the Uchiha with a frown. Honestly, he was more afraid of upsetting Xin than anything else. Sure, she'd gone through therapy and she was better now, but nothing would change that violent ass temper of hers.
"I don't care how you feel or what the circumstances involving the marriage are. Take care of her. You want to be angry with us for casting her aside in the past, fine, whatever. We're not talking about the past anymore, we're talking about 'now' and now she needs to be looked after. Do it right or don't do it all."
Gaara didn't react to the sword pointed in his face. He continued to stare up at the Uchiha, face a blank slate. Honestly he couldn't say he was all that surprised by Sasuke's actions, he was a Konoha Shinobi, after all. They were all a bunch of dramatic idiots in the long run, they just couldn't help themselves. And if threatening Gaara gave Sasuke some peace of mind over Xin, well, so be it.
"If we're talking about 'now', then you don't need to worry about her being taken care of. Regardless of the circumstances concerning our marriage, I won't do what Konoha did to her. Despite that, Xin is her own person and as she's said before, she's inherited the Will of Fire, she's bound to make dangerous decisions if she feels it's necessary. But, bottom line, she's mine and she's fine here."
Naruto waited with tense shoulders to see who would back off first. Gaara was powerful enough to take Sasuke on again and he'd hate it if he had to get involved. Xin would literally lose her shit if they had an all-out brawl in the middle of Suna.
Luckily for him, Xin decided to return to the office at the moment. Sasuke's sword was away within moments and he took on a more relaxed stance once the door opened. Xin peeked in for the second time that day, blinking in surprise at the sight of Naruto and Sasuke. She stepped into the office, looking quite suspicious. "Is something going on that I should know about?" she asked slowly, Ukyo following her into the office. The younger girl smiled broadly at Naruto, offering a shy wave. He waved back at her, grinning just as brightly. "I thought you two were out with Kankuro and Jura again.."
"We were," Naruto chirped pleasantly. "We dropped by to see Gaara for a bit to talk about your progress."
"Yeah? I thought Hinata would monitor that."
"We all were," Naruto said easily while approaching her. He threw an arm around her shoulders. "Anyway, I thought you were out shopping or something. What brings you here?"
"I don't need a reason to see Gaara," she pointed out with a raised eyebrow. "I stole Ukyo away before she could report to Gaara about her mission. I figured it would be for the best to bring her back and get it done before she gets even more sidetracked," she explained, seemingly forgetting all about her suspicions. "Sorry honey!"
Gaara waved her apology off, not the least bit upset that Ukyo had forgotten about her report. He hadn't been able to concentrate on work when Xin first came back. Sasuke joined the two, allowing Ukyo to step forward. He kept a watchful eye on Xin during Ukyo's report. She was behaving just fine with Sasuke and Naruto, all smiles and twinkling eyes. So unlike earlier, when she was seemingly falling apart.
He wished it didn't take all of this chaos just for them to show they cared about her. She had her faults, but Xin was a good person down to her core and it was sad that she'd been slowly unraveled to her breaking point. But if she'd been normal, had a normal upbringing and healthy relationships, he would have never had the opportunity to meet her. It was cruel to think that way, but Xin's psychotic nature was the only reason they met in the first place. It worked out, he supposed, but at the cost of her sanity, he wondered if it was truly worth it.
Not to say that he didn't love her, he did. It was almost dangerous how much he loved her. He'd do anything, even wait a lifetime for her. In a perfect world, they would have been two normal individuals that eventually found their way to each other. But this wasn't a perfect world. She was screwed and he was barely any better, but they at least had one another.
And for now, that was good enough.
When Gaara returned home later that night, the house was abuzz with raucous energy. He was surprised to see not only the Konoha team and his siblings but the entire Mikawa family along with Ukyo present. "Gaara's home so we can get started on dinner!" Xin exclaimed almost immediately when he stepped into the living room. She was holding Momoka and came darting towards him to greet him with a smile. Armed with Momoka, he had a strange feeling as she leaned in to give him a kiss along his jaw. "Can you please lean down? We've been over this," she whined amidst the teasing laughter.
Seeing Xin with Momoka felt oddly right, seeing her with a baby felt right. He could see her armed with a dark headed child and pretty light eyes coming to greet him. He nearly zoned out at the thought of it, mindlessly leaning down to receive her kiss, hand at her waist to help balance her. She was gone almost immediately, making her to the kitchen as everyone else headed for the dining room. It was almost too good to witness, Xin bouncing around armed with Momoka. Kids were in the future, he was sure of, but suddenly he felt the overwhelming need that kids should be in their immediate future.
Of course, he wouldn't push Xin into it. She wasn't ready for it yet and he was fine with that, but he knew Xin. She would persevere because that's just who she was as a person. She didn't yield, even to herself. So, he was okay with waiting for her to come around and be comfortable with the idea. He'd wait as long as she needed, he'd wait a thousand years for her.
Dinner was a loud affair with far too many personalities. Konoha ninja were often criticized for their ways but Suna ninja were getting along just fine with them so Gaara had to wonder what that said about them. They got along seamlessly with Gaara, Hinata or Temari grounding the others when things got too out of hand.
It was….nice.
Before, they didn't have nights like this. It was always just him and his siblings. They didn't have friends over; they didn't host dinners. Things had been quiet before and..stagnant. Quiet and stagnant and that's just how it had been for years. And then Xin dropped into their lives and flipped shit. He remembered thinking marrying this woman would be the single worst decision he'd ever make. It was essential but it was likely that he'd regret marrying her in the long run. He'd come to terms with that and accepted it.
So color him surprise that just a short year later, they were happily married to one another and discussing children.
Fate had an odd sense of humor.
Dinner was finished only for Kankuro to break out the sake. Gaara wasn't positive that it was wise to mix alcohol with the group, but Xin waved his words off. It's fine, she amended, Konoha's team was leaving the day after tomorrow and tonight would be spent celebrating. Temari herded them out the back door to drink out on their back porch and watch the stars. It took all but two seconds for Gaara to realize that Xin hadn't joined them. He stepped away from the loud merrymaking, finding Xin in the kitchen. She was busily doing the dishes, Momoka strapped to her back in a baby sling.
That earlier feeling came back.
"This...impromptu party is supposed to be for you," Gaara said by way of greeting, approaching her. "Doesn't make much sense if you're the only one missing."
Xin glanced over her shoulder, holding a soapy finger up to her lips. "I've been out drinking with Sasuke and Naruto enough times to know how things can get. Mix Jura and Kankuro into that equation and you've got a recipe for disaster. It's late and Momo was getting tired so…" she carefully shrugged in order to avoid jostling the sleeping baby.
He stepped closer, leaning down to brush a kiss against her temple. "You look better than I imagined with a baby.." he trailed off, lips moving against her skin.
"Gaara…" Xin uttered in warning, frowning. He reached for her cheek, coaxing her to look up at him. She was still frowning. "Have you gotten into some sake as well?" she pressed but didn't resist when he drew her in for a kiss.
"Just an observation," he muttered against her mouth, bracing himself for her to nervously pull away. Instead she hummed and leaned forward to press back. It caught him off guard and he pulled back, looking at her curiosity.
"I'm still sorry about the misunderstanding earlier…" she mumbled, turning back to the dishes. He wondered how she could move so easily with a baby strapped to her back.
"I don't want you to think I'm forcing you to do anything you're uncomfortable with, Xin."
"No, no. Kissing is fine, I missed it. I just...you haven't done anything, like I said, it's me. But kissing is fine, it's always fine."
"You practically fled this morning when I tried to kiss you."
"Because I thought you'd feel how fuckin' soft I've gotten and would be disgusted. Now that I know that isn't the case, kisses are in order."
"Xin, you've always been soft," Gaara grabbed at her hip and squeezed, humming in delight as she squeaked. "I've always liked the softness," he said as his hand dropped from her hip to the curve of her ass. Another squeeze elicited another squeak.
"I'm trying to clean here," Xin huffed with a red face.
"You're breaking your own rules. If you cook, you don't do the dishes. You haven't done the dishes in months."
Xin paused, blinking her big eyes. "I didn't remember," she muttered almost sullenly. "There's some blank spots, small things I should remember but don't. I can't remember what Ukyo said to me when I left to hunt you down," she told him with a disappointed sigh. Hand still on her ass, he drew her into him until her side was pressed to his chest. "I have a baby strapped to my back," she reminded him, despite tilting her head to the side to let him drop kisses to her skin.
"You could always give the baby back to Asuna," he mumbled into her skin.
"You are not making out with me with an entire group of people sitting just outside."
"Bedroom then. Bathroom, I don't care."
Before she could protest, he reached towards her chest to undo the wrap. Momoka slid from her back and safely into Gaara's arms. She opened her mouth, no doubt to reprimand him but paused. A warm feeling burned somewhere in her chest, eyes blinking at him. She never really wondered if Gaara was good with children or not but if she had to guess, she'd say he probably wasn't. Not to say anything bad about him but with his background and childhood growing up, she figured he would struggle.
Clearly she'd been wrong.
Gaara turned from her before she could demand Momoka back. He ventured towards the backdoor, peering out to speak to what she assumed to be Asuna. Moments later, she heard Kankuro and Naruto making lewd jokes. Asuna joined Gaara with a smile, Hideki and Ukyo tagging along. "It's rather late so I suppose it's time to get the kids home," she said simply, taking Momoka from Gaara. Ukyo and Hideki loudly protested being called kids and having a bedtime but Asuna waved them off with a laugh. "Good ninjas get enough rest so that they won't make rookie mistakes when it counts the most."
"Asuna is right, you guys should be getting to bed," Xin nodding along to the blonde's words. She finished with the dishes, drying her hands off with a pleasant smile. "There's always tomorrow, you guys can show me what you've been up to since I've been in Konoha," Xin offered with that same pleasant smile. Asuna thanked them for the night and for watching Momoka before leaving with Hideki and Ukyo. Xin watched them go with a smile, waving as they left. "What'd you tell everyone?" she asked, still smiling. "You know Kankuro, Jura and Naruto are fuckin' children."
Gaara shrugged a shoulder, not the least bit deterred by a little ribbing. They could joke all they wanted, he was the only one married, he thought almost smugly. "That we're just going to bed."
Xin's shoulders slumped but her smile remained. "Boys will be boys," she muttered just when Gaara grabbed her by the wrist. She didn't fight him off, following after him with a laugh. They showered and brushed their teeth for the night, Xin pointing out that they really were acting like an old married couple and not two nineteen-year olds.
"Is that my shirt?" Gaara asked when Xin came in from her shower. As her usual fashion of late, she was swamped in a shirt far too large for her with her hair pinned messily up.
"Yeah?"
"You have your own clothes to sleep in."
"You don't like when I wear your shirts to bed?"
"Not when you're doing it to hide in."
Xin pouted almost immediately, folding her arms across her chest petulantly. Gaara ignored her pouting, striding past her to get to the bedroom door. She watched him lock it, head tilted to the side in confusion, they never really locked their door. "Far too many drunk people in my house, they can't be trusted not to come barging in here. I wouldn't put it past Naruto and Kankuro to try just for shits and giggles," Gaara explained when he caught her look.
"Good point," Xin snorted. She followed after Gaara to the couch, plopping down on his lap with a quick tug of her hand. Her face flushed prettily and turned sideways to face him, still pouting. "You're sure you're not uncomfortable?"
"You do realize that as a twelve-year old, I carried around a gourd bigger than you filled with sand."
"Are you trying to say that I weigh the same as that big ass gourd?"
"You literally hear what you want, don't you?"
Xin laughed at that, laying her head against his collarbone. "Thanks for letting the team stay," she spoke after a comfortable pause. "I know they can be a bit...much at times but they mean well."
Gaara snorted, settling his arms around her waist. "A bit?" he echoed tartly. "You Konoha ninja are a menace to society," Gaara rolled his eyes. "Authority doesn't mean shit to you idiots."
"That's not true, we respect authority. We just don't don't respect bullshit, there's a difference," Xin said in a state of ease, shifting closer until her lips pressed against his neck. "There's still a lot of blank spots in my memory and I'm not sure if it'll ever come back fully," she admitted, voice dropping into low tones. Gaara listened to her with a blank face. He could feel nervous energy radiating off of her. "I'm probably not the same woman you married…." she whispered softly. "Maybe that isn't such a bad thing," she continued quickly. Her eyes closed and he was sure that she was going over the bad memories in her head.
She'd forgiven herself for all of her misdeeds but she still thought about them. She still regretted it all, even if there was nothing she could do about it. Moving on was the only option and she was but dammit, sometimes she still felt guilty. It weighed heavily on her chest, a constant reminder that while she ruthlessly ruined lives, she got to live out the rest of her days.
Gaara let out a thoughtful hum and shifted around until he was laying down on the couch, Xin sprawled on top of him. She tried to roll off of him but his arm was like a band of iron against her waist. He seemed entirely too comfortable with her on top of him. "Of course you're still the same woman," Gaara pressed his fingers into her skin. "So some memories are spotty, that doesn't change how I feel about you. Does it change how you feel about me?"
"No, I still love you."
"What about Temari and Kankuro? And your sisters?"
"Nothing has changed, I still love them too."
"And Ukyo? And the Mikawas?"
"Well, Hatsune is still a fuckin' asshole…"
Gaara snorted and shifted her around until her mouth was nearly pressed to his. "Nothing has changed, Xin. Life goes on. You have blank spots, we'll refill them with new memories. Nothing has to change unless you want it to change." Xin didn't immediately reply, blinking in thought. She rolled his words around in her head. A soft hum escaped her before she began shifting her weight, bracing her knees at his hips. She sat on top of him, smiling all the while and leaned down, pressing her lips against his. She had the sudden realization that she spent half a year away from Gaara, away from Suna and that it was agonizing.
It wasn't just him. It was Temari and Kankuro, the Mikawa family and Ukyo. Baki and Sasori. It was the relationships that she formed in Suna. She missed all of them and it was agonizing to be away.
She loved everyone in Konoha, she did, but it always felt like she didn't quite fit in with them. There was always some weird disconnect that she felt when she was around them. She felt lonely even in the lively company of her friends and sometimes that even made her guilty. But Suna was home. Suna never felt like she was on the outside looking in. For months on end, she wondered why her soul felt empty. She'd been positive that once her memories returned, that empty feeling would go away. And despite her slowly rebuilding her life as best she could, that empty feeling just seemed to grow and grow no matter what she did to fill it.
Then she stepped foot in Suna and everything seemed to just fall into place.
"I missed home," she whispered against his mouth.
Xin rubbed tiredly at her eyes the very next morning. Gaara shifted in the bed, still sleeping deeply. She wasn't sure if she ever saw him sleep that deeply and wondered if she should worry. Deciding to let him sleep longer, she gathered her clothes and set off for the bathroom. Xin let out a squawk, nearly toppling over something pressed right against the bedroom door. She caught onto the doorjamb to stop herself from pitching forward. Unused muscles protest at the strain, causing her to let out an impressive string of curses. Gaara's eyes snapped open at the sound of her distress. He's across the room in seconds, all signs of sleep wiped from his face. His arm coiled protectively around her stomach, hauling her backwards before she could lose her shaky grip. "What the fuck—" she cursed, both of them looking down to see what had nearly taken her out.
Kankuro.
Passed out in front of their door, she had nearly tripped over him. He reeked of sake and he didn't react at all to Xin kicking him straight in the face. The two stared down at him, either highly amused or highly unimpressed.
"This is why I locked the door," Gaara grumbled first.
"Has this happened before?"
Gaara shrugged, letting go of her. "Every now and then," he muttered quietly. She blinked at that, wondering why Kankuro would drink himself into a stupor only to pass out in some obscure spot. He stooped low, grabbing his brother and pulling him to his feet. Xin only eyed the two as Kankuro mumbled unintelligently. Gaara looped Kankuro's arm around his neck and held him tightly at the waist, watching as Xin led the way to his room. He dropped Kankuro like a ton of bricks on his bed, ignoring Xin rolling her eyes. He started to leave, eager to get a few more hours of sleep in before it's time to actually get up, but paused.
Xin leaned over Kankuro, small hand glowing green as she pressed it to his forehead. She was muttering softly to him, an easy smile on her face as she eased some of Kankuro's tension. His eyes slowly opened, bleary and tired as he stared up at her. Gaara watched, leaning against the door with his arms crossed, as Kankuro realized that Xin was leaning over him. A heavy hand lifted, cupping against her cheek. "Xinny," slurred up at her. "I missed you when you were gone."
"I know. I missed you too."
"I love you, just like I love Mari'."
"I love you too."
Kankuro continued his mumbling and Xin nodded along to it, her unoccupied hand resting against the hand pressed to her cheek. She hummed every now and then, trying to soothe him as much as possible. "I'm sorry," Kankuro said abruptly. Xin glanced down, confusion obvious on her face. "For what happened at Seijun's. I couldn't help you."
Seijun. She couldn't remember why but that name meant something. She felt the feeling of anger and despair attach to her soul. Desperation pushed hard at her mind but she just couldn't remember how those emotions correlated to this Seijun person. "The past is in the past, don't dwell on it," she decided after a moment. "What happened is behind us. I'm here now, right?" she continued to smile, glowing hand beginning to dim. His thumb began to stroke against her cheek in platonic affection.
"Don't leave again, Xin."
"I didn't leave, remember?"
"We won't leave, promise you won't either."
"I won't leave. It's time to get some sleep now. Hopefully you'll feel okay when you actually sober up." Xin pulled herself away, patting him on the arm as she did so. The moment she detached herself, Kankuro was out like a light, loud snores shaking his body. Amusement was back in her eyes while staring down at him. She shook her head and sighed, backing away to join Gaara in the hallway. "Is there something I should know about?" she asked quietly as they retreated back to their bedroom. She hoped she wouldn't find anyone else passed out in the house somewhere.
Gaara glanced back at her, fully intent on getting back into bed. "It's not my place to say," he said after thinking it over. "You and I weren't the only ones affected the day you had a breakdown. There's guilt but he won't talk about it too much. Maybe he will now that you're home," Gaara explained, trailing off into thought. Xin frowned softly, approaching to lean over and kiss his temple almost thoughtlessly. She left him after that to get some more sleep while she took a shower. She moved with ease throughout the house, stuck in her head about Kankuro and even Temari.
The days leading up to her breakdown were foggy. She remembered small things here and there, traveling to Tanzaku-gai, tracking the Akatsuki member, leading the team towards a remote base. But things fizzled after that. The next clear memory she had was waking up in the hospital, not remembering anything. She'd been so caught up with herself, she hadn't thought of what effects her breakdown had on others. Did Kankuro drink frequently while she was away, guilt gnawing at him for some unknown reason to her? Was it a multitude of things that festered and simply culminated?
Xin sighed heavily as she stepped into the kitchen. She was the only one awake at the moment but she was sure Temari or Hinata would join her soon. Sasuke would come after that, Naruto trailing him with whines of a hangover. She wasn't sure if Kankuro or Gaara would be the last to rise but she left it alone, focusing instead on cooking. Just as she assumed, she was gradually joined by everyone. Gaara and Kankuro both came at the same time, Gaara looking much more alert than Kankuro.
"I slept terribly," Kankuro whined immediately when Xin dropped his plate of breakfast in front of him. "My neck is killing me."
"Well, that tends to happen when you sleep with your face pressed against a bedroom door," Gaara answered blankly from his left. "You gave Xin a heart attack, by the way, and woke me up."
"Yeah, thanks for that," Xin leaned around Gaara just so Kankuro could see her rolling her eyes at his antics. "I think I kicked you in the face too and I'm not sorry about that."
"You're never sorry," Sasuke pointed out almost snidely. Xin's head whipped around on her shoulders, eyes narrowed at him in distaste. He didn't react to her dirty looks, idly continuing eating his breakfast as if she wasn't glaring a hole into his head. "You aren't."
"You said you would help him to bed," Hinata turned to look at Naruto, frowning in disappointment.
"I thought I did," Naruto scratched at his cheek in thought.
"The floor isn't his bed," Temari snorted into her morning juice.
"He seemed pretty comfortable there."
"This is why drinking past your limit is generally frowned upon," Xin pointed her chopsticks at Kankuro and Naruto. "At least I did something for your hangover."
"Yeah, after making it worse by kicking me in the face."
"Oh, like I was supposed to know you were sleeping outside the goddamn door," Xin rolled her eyes again. "I knew I should've stayed up to make sure you idiots got to bed at a reasonable time.." she muttered to herself around a sigh.
Breakfast continued on much the same, filled to the brim with childish bickering. It was the last Xin would have with Konoha's team before they returned home tomorrow and she wasn't sure when she'd see any of them next. It was bittersweet for her, she realized, as they were the last things tethering her to Konoha. A small part of her would always mourn for Konoha, for the Konoha kunoichi and the life that could have been. But she was completely aware that she had little to no chance to have that life. She would have been dead before could even live that could-be life.
Xin smiled.
"Who's house is this?" Hinata blinked but didn't stop Xin from easily picking the lock. One would even say that Hinata kept lookout for her sister. Not that she really needed one, Xin was capable of many things, such as breaking into someone's house in broad daylight.
"Yoshiko's house," Xin answered easily as the door swung open. Hinata followed after into the house, not even bothering in trying to talk Xin out of her mission of breaking and entering. Her sister didn't like the woman and was suspicious of her and wouldn't stop until she was either proved right or wrong. Xin was a paranoid Shinobi and Hinata couldn't think of one time she'd been wrong about her freakish suspicions.
"I suppose you have a reason for breaking into your husband's assistant's house?" Hinata hummed casually as Xin breezed through the living room. She peeked behind several closed doors, muttering all the while.
"Of course I do," Xin hummed, tapping her chin. "I always have a reason. What's the saying? There's a method to my madness? And in my case, that's a lot of madness."
"That isn't funny."
"Hanabi would've laughed."
"That doesn't make it any better."
Xin grinned distractedly. "We're here because Yoshiko is convinced that she can outsmart me," she chuckled before stepping towards the only door she hadn't peeked behind. "I'm not fond of being deceived and I feel as if there's been a lot of deceit while I've been away," Xin explained as she stepped into Yoshiko's bedroom. Hinata watched once more as Xin carefully searched the cutely decorated bedroom. She was looking under the bed when she came to a halt, blinking as if an idea suddenly hit her. Without warning, her head snapped around to look at the closet. "Honestly, I hoped that my suspicions were wrong but…"
"They never are," Hinata pointed out as Xin approached the closet doors. She stepped into it, rifling through Yoshiko's things until she hummed. She stepped out of the closet moments later, holding a medium-sized box in her hands. Hinata joined her sister, watching as she dropped the box on top of Yoshiko's desk. She opened the box and the two leaned over, eyes staring unblinkingly into the box. Two tall stacks of letters stared back at them, one stack addressed to Xin while the other was addressed to Gaara.
They were opened.
Some of them, she tried to rationalize, only some of them were opened. She tried to calm herself but she could feel her grip on her temper waning. Her letters, intimate details of her life and thoughts had been violated and stolen. Their only form of communication for half a year were locked away in an old dusty box, hidden in the darkest part of Yoshiko's closet.
Hinata was talking, trying to calm her down but Xin could feel it. She could feel the anger winning. The murderous intent that had been stowed away for months began to resurface, funneling out through the cracks. Her ears were ringing, her blood pumping and her fingers were twitching. She was going to murder Yoshiko. She almost didn't feel her arms being wrenched behind, hands pinned to her back as she was forced to bend over the desk. Sasuke stood over her, hands tight on her as he held her to the desk. Naruto was there as well, trying to figure out what the hell was going on and why they could feel Xin's murderous intent so clear. Xin didn't fight Sasuke off but her blank stare didn't falter one bit. Her deadly intent rolled off of her in waves and she felt her psyche begin to tremble under the weight of her anger.
"Let me up," she demanded in an eerily calm voice.
"Calm down first."
But Xin was past being calm. She shifted, breaking out of Sasuke's hold and surging up to bash the back of her head into his face. She wasn't sure if she broke his nose or not but she didn't care. She didn't care about anything but Yoshiko. Sasuke fell back with a curse, blood flowing from his nose. They didn't have any time to even think of grabbing Xin when she vanished into a swirl of leaves, leaving nothing behind but the pile of greenery and the feel of her anger.
Hinata cringed, "oh dear."
TeeBeMe: Well, shit. Like I said in the update for WID, the world has gone to shit. Again, as I said, I work in the healthcare so every day is kind of risk but life must go on. Please follow the guidelines set for us and stay safe you guys! Wash those hands and keep 6 feet away from the next person. It's pretty hard living on lockdown, I miss hanging out with my friends but hopefully this'll be all over soon. Are you guys okay? Have any of you been put on lockdown? My city isn't exactly on lockdown but we have a curfew and a stay at home order for non-essentials. Stay safe out there!
And guess what? I was kind of thinking of a sequel for this? Maybe? Depending on if you guys would want that. I even have something of a plotline thought up if you guys are feeling it, although it would be much shorter than this mammoth of a fic. If not, that's okay too! Just thought I'd put that out there. I just love this version of Xin and this universe but like I said, if you guys are down for it, lemme know, yes?
