I struggled madly against my yeerk's control.
My arms tensed, and so did my legs. My entire body jerked and shook, my mouth open in a silent scream. I heard the lash of rain against my window, heard the rumble of thunder through the air.
((Beth! Stop it!)) She clamped my mouth shut and grabbed at my arms. ((Stop!))
I couldn't stop. I refused to stop. She'd numb me if I stopped. She'd punish me if I stopped. She'd-
My family.
She'd infest my family.
No! No! I had to warn them - had to! I twisted madly, aiming for the floor. I'd land hard, hard enough to be heard, hard enough to-
She kicked my legs out, stopping my fall. I hurled myself at her again, and she stumbled, her balance gone. She went to my hands and knees, too quietly to be heard over the rain and the wind. I threw us down, but she landed smoothly, rolling me onto my back.
((Stop it! Beth!))
I opened my mouth, tried to scream. Yalran tightened my throat, and nothing came out - nothing! I twisted hard, and she balled my knees, going gently onto my side. I fought and fought, clawing at her control, my arms shaking with the effort. She crossed them over and wrapped them around my chest, trapping them, pinning them.
Lightning flashed in the corner of my eye. Thunder roared. Rain drummed against the window's glass.
No, no, no! I thought of all those screaming and crying people in the cages below. I thought of Helen, trapped inside her own mind. I thought of all the times I'd fought, all the times I'd been hurt. I thought of Mom and Dad and Ben, sleeping away in their beds, heedless of the danger that all of us were in.
I had to do this - for them, for everyone. I had to get out a warning. I had to win this before Yalran got the upper hand.
I strained at her control with all my strength.
My shoulders twitched weakly.
No! No, please! No!
I kept struggling, kept on fighting, but it was useless now. I couldn't feel my body. Yalran had me. Yalran was in complete control.
Oh God oh God oh God.
I'd actually done it. I'd fought her - physically fought! I'd done the one thing I'd promised to never do. That had been our deal: she'd keep my family safe, and I'd cooperate, and not fight.
And Yalran was right there, hovering over my mind, getting closer and closer and closer. She was going to punish me - with my memories first, and actions too! Why had I done it? Why had I fought her? Why had I been so stupid as to-
She closed my eyes. ((It's fine, Beth. You're fine.))
I could hear her breathing slowly in and out. And after a few breaths, I felt the gentle rise and fall of my chest, at the same moment as I felt her gently rubbing my arms.
((Wha?)) What was she waiting for? Why wasn't she punishing me? And why was she sounding and acting so…gentle?
((You're fine…you're fine…))
She sounded so subdued, but so mature too - especially for her. She wasn't going to hurt me; I knew that now. I tested her control, tugging half-heartedly over and over. I could feel my entire body by then, but I still couldn't move.
Yalran sat me up. She leaned meforwards, hugging my knees. ((You don't need to worry about that stupid deal,)) she told me quietly. ((I mean, you could just report me, right? For sympathy, or whatever.))
Would I, though? I'd threatened that once, down on the beach - but could I really? Could I really bring myself to replace Yalran with a yeerk I didn't know?
No, I thought. Stupid. Stupid! How could I think like that, when it was the only thing keeping her in check? How could I be thinking about me, and no-one else? You weak, stupid, selfish-
((No you're not.)) She rested my head on my shoulder. ((You're really not.))
It was comforting. It was comforting - maddeningly so. I shouldn't be comforted by this, I told myself. I shouldn't let her comfort me. I should be fighting this, fighting her, fighting-
((Shhhhhh…))
She lay me flat on my back, and then rocked me slowly from side to side. I relaxed into it utterly, hating myself for doing that and yet doing it all the same.
((I didn't think you'd fight like that,)) Yalran murmured. She stopped rocking, and lay my body still. ((Heck, I didn't think you could fight like that. And you kept it up for so long, too.)) She let out a long sigh. ((I've never known anything like it.))
I tested her control again - still nothing. I mentally nodded her way, my thoughts all in a tangle.
She blinked my eyes hard. ((I didn't think…I mean, I guess, I…))
She abruptly stood me up, and began to pace back and forth across my room. A crash of thunder sounded from outside, and she instinctively turned towards it. She half-walked and half-stumbled towards it, and then opened my curtains wide.
((You have an amazing world,)) she told me softly.
Rain continued to beat against my window. She stared through my eyes at all those little droplets as they hit the glass. Lightning lanced down from a distance, followed by a fresh burst of thunder filling my ears. Yalran grinned at the sight.
She loved my eyes. She'd always loved my eyes.
((An amazing world,)) Yalran said. ((And an amazing body for living in it.)) The grin on my face dropped. ((But…it's yours, isn't it? It isn't mine.))
She closed my curtains and then stepped away.
((I took that from you, didn't I? Just like I took…everything else.)) She looked towards my door.
I mentally nodded, again. She wasn't wrong.
((I'm not infesting your family, Beth.)) She went over to my bed and flopped down, crossing my arms over my chest. ((They're…good to me. Not that they know I'm here, but they are!)) She made my body go limp, allowing my arms to flop down at my sides. ((And they'd be involuntary, probably. There's no way they'd keep going. Not the way you do.))
So they were safe, then. They were safe. For as long as I had Yalran, they were safe.
((I shouldn't have to keep going, Yalran. No-one should. It's wrong.))
Her voice, when it came, sounded calm as could be. ((I know.))
((They're not your family, Yalran. It's not your life. It's mine.))
((I know.))
She sniffed hard. I was sure I felt pressure behind my eyes.
I must have lay like that for a good minute more: unable to move, unable to do anything but to listen to my breathing and to the storm outside.
((Yalran? Can I have control now?))
My breath caught in my throat. I felt her unspoken question right away after.
((It's okay,)) I assured her. ((I'll be quiet.))
She nodded my head slowly.
And then just like that, my body was mine.
I didn't do anything with my restored control at first. I just continued to lie there, focussing on the sound of my own breathing. Then I flexed my fingers experimentally, before shifting around my arms and legs, and then finally sat myself up. It all worked- no problem at all. She'd given me everything, just as before.
I pushed myself to my feet, and then looked to my door: that still-closed door that continued to bar my way.
And at that moment, I made up my mind.
((I'm going out there, Yalran. Tomorrow. Out of my room.)) I stood up straight, ready for her to argue. ((Me. It has to be me.))
I braced myself as she touched my thoughts. I was ready for her to complain, ready for her to beg, ready for her to try anything and everything to get me to change my mind. I felt her slip forward, felt myself be nudged back. I saw her bow my head, saw her fidget with my fingers.
And then, in a voice more quiet than I'd ever heard her speak: ((Okay.))
And that was it: no argument, no complaint, no resistance of any any kind. She just stood in place, huddling over a little, tensing my arms a little, shaking a little. She'd numbed me again, but I don't think she meant to.
((Should I…should I go now?)) She spun slowly in a circle as she spoke, both looking and sounding utterly lost. ((Should I give you control?))
She'd give me control if I asked. I knew she would.
((No. It's fine,)) I told her. ((Stay if you want.))
She nodded. She did want to stay just then. Of course she wanted to stay.
She stumbled back to my bed slowly, keeping my eyes determinedly away from my door. She tucked me in and shuffled around a little, hugging me gently in my mind. I relaxed into it fully, hugged her back with all the warmth I could muster.
I have no idea how long we stayed like that in the end. We lay with no words passing between us and with no words needing to be passed. I couldn't move, but I didn't want to move, and I knew she'd let me move if I wanted to. We were equals right then: host and yeerk, sharing a body and sharing a mind.
Eventually, Yalran yawned. Or maybe I did. Or maybe we both did. We broke off the hug, and Yalran turned me onto my side. She stretched my limbs pleasantly and then closed my eyes.
((Ready to sleep now?)) Yalran asked.
I felt so exhausted just then, and yet so utterly awake at the same time. Memories of the long night filled my thoughts: thoughts of swimming in sludge as a yeerk, thoughts of fighting in alien worlds, thoughts of struggling against Yalran as hard as I could. I thought of the moment between us that had only just passed…and thought of just what I should say to everyone when I walked downstairs the next morning.
I could never have relaxed, could never have slept.
Not without her. Not without Yalran.
((Yes. Sleep,)) I said. ((Please.))
And right after that, I was gone.
Some hours later, I found myself blinking away sleep from my eyes. I was still warmly tucked in, comfortable and safe.
((Morning, sleepyhead,)) my yeerk said.
I couldn't help but smile at that. She sounded so much like herself again now, and not at all how she'd been by the end of last night. Then I twisted over to check my watch on my bedside table, and groaned: it was only just after six in the morning.
((Yalran!))
((Sorry, sorry.)) I could swear she was laughing at me. ((But, hey, you don't want to be rushing. Big morning, right?))
I grinned as she said it, even as a heaviness began to lodge itself into my chest. I was going to be going down there today! I was! Me!
I threw of my covers and swung myself to my feet, my eyes wandering immediately to that closed bedroom door. For too long, that door had been an unbreakable barrier, turning my very own bedroom into a private little cage - but not now, not anymore. I smiled wider, my heart beginning to thump.
I felt awake, as ever - far more so I had any right to be, given how little sleep I must have had. I glanced at my watch again, and then looked towards my window. The curtain was still pulled, but I heard no rain now. The storm had passed in the night.
I stood up, and walked a quick lap around my room, swinging my arms all the while. To be able to do those simple things still felt incredible, even within this enclosed space. I did a quick twirl, missed my footing and stumbled a little, grinning all the while.
We talked over a plan. I'd leave the bedroom and go be with my family, but Yalran would take over if things went bad - if I froze up, say, or if I simply started to find it all too much. But if things didn't go bad, she'd leave me alone. This was my time, after all - not hers.
And once we'd agreed on that, it was time. I faced my closed door, and felt Yalran nudge faintly at my mind.
((Ready for this?)) she asked.
((Not really,)) I replied. ((You?))
((No.))
She sounded so quiet just then - so young, so very very vulnerable. But even as I walked over there, she made no move to take over. She was committed to this now, as was I.
I gripped the handle. But then I just stood there, unable to bring myself to turn it. Damn it, what's wrong with me? Yalran was giving me exactly what I wanted, but I couldn't seem to take that final step.
Yalran's presence settled around me. ((You'll be fine, Beth. You're always fine. You're…you.))
I could hear the fear in her voice. But I felt her conviction as well.
She took over my hand, and only my hand - that hand that was still wrapped around the handle of my door. She - no, we - turned my wrist. I pushed the door open gently, and then we both let go.
Yalran's grip on my hand lingered just a moment longer before fading. I moved it around experimentally, playing with my fingers. It was mine now, and mine alone. My whole body was mine for now.
I stepped through the doorway without looking back.
I listened carefully as I walked towards the stairs.
I couldn't hear the shower; that meant Dad was already done in there. But I could hear talking downstairs - two people, Mom and Dad. I couldn't hear my brother, and when I looked behind me, I saw that his own door was still closed.
So, Mom and Dad then. With Ben still asleep, probably. I could talk to them. I could do this.
I swallowed hard, and then edged my way down the stairs.
I found myself listening unnaturally hard as I went down, as though expecting to pick up some hidden conversation. I picked up nothing of the sort: my parents were just talking about some television programme from the previous night. They were in the kitchen together, and I knew Dad would soon be going to work. I took a long hard breath, and then showed myself to them both.
'Hi guys,' I said.
My throat was tight as I said it. I could only hope it didn't show in my voice, or on my face.
'Oh! Morning, sweetie,' Mom said. 'You're up early today. Good sleep?'
They were at the kitchen table, Mom and Dad both. Mom was in her dressing gown, and Dad was dressed and ready to leave. It was the sort of sight I'd have barely given second thought just a few months before.
'Yeah!' I faked a stretch. 'Slept great.'
I still didn't feel even vaguely tired, in spite of how few hours I must have slept. I wondered when exactly it would hit me, if it hit me. Then I wondered what I should be doing right then. I was still just standing stiffly in the doorway.
What I wanted to do was to run over and hug them both, right there and right then. I wanted to tell them that I was home, that it was me again, that I was free now - truly free. I wouldn't have even cared that the final part wasn't true.
But I couldn't do that, of course. Yalran would never have let me - and for good reason. Doing that would have alerted my parents. Doing that would have put them in danger.
((Coffee,)) Yalran advised. ((Go get coffee. And pour some cereal. Just act natural.))
She was still scared. I heard it in her voice, and felt it faintly it through our shared connection. But she wasn't going to steal this moment from me - not unless she had to. She continued to hang back as I made my way across the kitchen. I poured some coffee and cereal for myself, just as she'd suggested.
'So what are you plans today?' Dad asked. 'Seeing your friends after school?'
I turned to face the table, my mouth moving wordlessly as I struggled to form a response. Did I even have friends anymore? Helen was all but gone, and Caleb…I'd never even talked to the kid myself.
'No, not today,' I heard myself say. 'I'm coming home after School today. I've got homework.'
Yalran.
I wasn't pleased that she'd taken over, but nor was I not pleased. I'd been hesitating; I knew why she'd done it.
'Not too much, I hope?' Mom chimed in.
I could feel Yalran's fear at that moment. It was stronger now, far stronger than I'd realised. It was the sort of fear that would have had my heart racing had the fear been mine. She'd been holding it back from me, keeping the bulk of it from leaking through. But with Yalran in control, I couldn't not feel it in full.
Yalran mentally nodded my way, even as she made me speak aloud. 'No, not that much.' She shrugged my shoulders casually. 'But I want to stay ahead.' She took a long slow sip of coffee, and then placed it back on the counter. ((Okay, I'm letting go. Ready?))
((Yeah,)) I replied. ((Thanks.))
I could do this. With her help, I could surely do this.
She let go of my body immediately, with zero fanfare. Her overwhelming fear faded to a faint trickle through our connection. I took a deep breath, picked up my coffee cup and cereal bowl, and then sauntered over to join my parents at the table.
I dug into my breakfast right away, doing my best to act as though everything was fine and normal. It all felt so surreal, to be sitting and eating quietly like that, when I knew that so much was going on in the caves under our feet - and when I knew that, even now, an alien was hiding in my skull and seeing all that I could see.
I was thinking exactly that when Ben walked in. He looked bleary-eyed, obviously not awake yet. He said a quick "hello" to us all, and then went to get his own breakfast. He joined us at the table right away afterwards.
I can't even remember what got talked about around that table that morning. All I can remember is what wasn't talked about: The Sharing, secret invasions, body-snatching alien slugs. I simply ate and drank and half-listened to the goings-on around me, basking in being amongst it, basking in being truly home.
Yalran was listening too, of course. She was like a tightly-coiled spring, ready to take over at the slightest sign of trouble - trouble which, as it turned out, never came.
I stood up to leave as soon as I'd finished eating. That's what I'd have normally done, after all. I said my goodbyes and rushed upstairs, doing everything to keep my emotions from showing on my face.
I shut the bathroom door, grinning to myself and blinking a whole lot. I wanted to giggle, but I didn't quite know why
((You okay?)) Yalran asked.
And as she asked me that, I realised I was indeed okay. I was as okay as could be, more okay than I'd been in months. I was more okay than I'd been at any point since being infested.
((Yeah,)) I said. ((I…yeah.))
My words hardly did my feelings justice. But I didn't need to do my feelings justice with words - not with Yalran, not when she was in my head. She could have known exactly what my feelings were without me saying a single thing.
I undressed, and stepped into the shower with my head held high.
