A little angst...
As Jack held Elizabeth in his arms he was grateful beyond measure for the gift of her. Of the life they were able to have, which he knew would not have been possible had Elizabeth not been determined to forgive and absolve him from the heart break he had inflicted upon her years before and the pain he knows she was subjected to on days like that day. Unconsciously he pulled her closer to him. Elizabeth stirred and turned into his embrace.
"Baby, you need to stop thinking so loud. I'm trying to sleep," she murmured as she draped an arm on his waist as his arm encircled her. Jack chuckled,
"I'm sorry Sweetheart,"
"Stop worrying. I'm okay, we're okay. Everything is okay. Today, is a part of our lives, it will always be. It's never going to be an easy day for me, for you, or even Logan you need to stop overthinking it." She said softly as she looked up to meet his gaze. Jack kissed her tenderly before placing his lips on her forehead. He knew what she was saying and he appreciated it, but he was well aware of the delicateness of their situation.
Elizabeth was grateful that Jack had taken the time off those first few weeks after she gave birth. It has made their transition from their family of three to a family of four. When he had returned to work Charlotte had flown back to Sydney to be close at hand, she had flown back to Hope Valley short after Annabelle was born to give their family time to bond. Elizabeth appreciated her presence, how she provided support without taking over. How she doted on each of them. It made Elizabeth miss her Mom all the more but grateful for the gift of Charlotte.
"Mom, can you come to parent teacher?" Logan asked as he climbed into their car kissing her cheek hello.
"Of course, I wouldn't miss it. How was your day my love?" she asked affectionately. Annabelle was with Charlotte at home staying out of the cold weather. Elizabeth also wanted to take Logan out for an afternoon Mom and Kid date which she tried to do regularly.
"Belle okay?" he asked, most days when Elizabeth picked him up from school his little sister would be in tow, which he loved.
"She's fine honey. I just thought you and I can spend the afternoon hanging out. Maybe grab an ice cream, get you new soccer cleats because your current ones are looking for a little worse for wear kiddo." Logan grinned,
"Yes!!!" he replied excitedly. He loved their dates.
Jack called the home phone when he couldn't reach Elizabeth's mobile. He knew that she was taking Logan out for the afternoon and wanted to make sure that they had arrived home safely as there were heavy rain and storms.
"Hey Sweetheart," his Mom answered as his name flashed on the phone
"Hey Mom, Elizabeth and Logan home yet?" he asked concerned as he looked out the window.
"Not yet Jack. They're probably waiting it out at the mall."
"She's not answering her phone,"
"The storms pretty bad so the reception may be sketchy" she said trying to reassure him trying not to worry herself. She knew where his mind was about to go if it wasn't there already.
"I'm sure they're both fine Sweetheart."
"When they get home, can you ask Elizabeth to call me back?"
"Of course, try not to worry Jack," she replied knowing that ship had sailed.
Elizabeth and Logan arrived home much later than anticipated. Due to the heavy rains and storms they had waited it out at the mall as Charlotte had guessed. Jack was home by the time they had arrived. Wordlessly he hugged them both tightly as they walked through the door.
"Hi Baby, you okay?" she asked worriedly.
"I'm fine." He replied before releasing her and excusing himself. Confused Elizabeth watched him head on upstairs without explanation. Charlotte hugged them both hello,
"Give him a few minutes. He's just had a little fright. The heavy rains and storms, not being able to reach you," Elizabeth met her gaze questioningly and it hit her.
"I had no service from the time the storm started, and I still don't. There was a blackout at the mall and there was nowhere to make a call. I'm sorry. I just wanted to get home as soon as possible, I didn't think. I mean I never knew," Elizabeth explained. Charlotte realised that Jack had never disclosed the full details of Emily's death, but his reaction to their delay told the story that remained untold. Charlotte drew her into a reassuring hug,
"He'll be fine sweetie, he just needs a moment."
Elizabeth had checked on Annabelle and asked Logan to take a shower before they had dinner so she could check on Jack. She found him in his office, looking out the window at the rain that had finally slowed.
"I'm sorry if we worried you. I had no service and the mall we were at had a blackout. There was no way for me to call. I still don't have service. I didn't mean to worry you. I'm okay. Logan is okay. We're both okay." She said softly trying to coax him out of his own head. She walked up to him and placed a hand on his arm, as if she startled him Jack had frozen at her touch. Elizabeth's heart hurt at the sight of him, without saying another word she withdrew her hand and left him to unpack on his own.
Elizabeth threw on her running gear, grabbed her rain jacket and slipped it on needing to be anywhere but there. Needing air. Needing space. She needed to silence the whirlwind that was in her mind.
"Mom, do you mind watching the kids for a bit. I'm just going for a run."
"Honey, it's late and raining."
"It's not that late. It's just rain, and I'm not driving." She assured her,
"I just need a moment, several to be honest. I just, I just can't be here right now." Charlotte nodded and hugged her tightly,
"I'm sorry sweetheart,"
"I don't know what's worse, that he never told me the circumstances or that it wasn't me that he was worried about,"
"Sweetheart, it is you. He is so scared to lose you."
"Why?" Elizabeth challenged sadly before answering her own question.
"Because it's how he lost her. She's still his point of reference." Elizabeth took a deep breath,
"I'm not going anywhere Mom. I'm not bolting. I just need to work it out in my head and in my heart because it stings a little."
Elizabeth grabbed her keys and specifically left her phone by the door in plain sight, placing her watch beside it not wanting to be summoned back until she had composed herself. With her kids in the safe hands of her mother in law she knew she could take the liberty of being uncontactable for a couple of hours.
Elizabeth ran until her lungs burned doing her best to drown out the voices haunting her in head. She had chosen to avoid her normal running route instead taking one she hadn't taken in a really long while and found herself standing in front of her old apartment.
Tom had moved out only weeks before to move in with his girlfriend to a bigger house. Auggie and Antoni were due to move in a few weeks when their lease ran out therefore it was empty leaving only the little furniture that was left behind when Jack had moved her into their now home. Taking the spare key from the secret hiding place she let herself in. Comfort filled her immediately as she stepped into her old home. Without turning any of the lights on, she wandered through her apartment allowing the moonlight to be the only source of lighting to fill the place. Elizabeth sat on the floor beside the bay window of her bedroom, back against the wall and closed her eyes. She knew she did not have the luxury of being gone too long. She had kids to return to, but she needed to regroup.
Jack emerged from the office a while after Elizabeth. He knew that they would need to talk. That he owed her an apology. He checked their bedroom but she wasn't there. He was about to check Annabelle's room when Charlotte got to the top of the stairs realising that he was looking for her.
"She's not here. She went for a run." Jack nodded and entered his daughter's room. Annabelle Charlotte Thornton had a way of engaging anyone she came across and her father was always her immediate captive audience. She was laying contently in her crib waiting for someone to come and get her with her arms up high demanding to be picked up.
"Hi Ladybug, are you ready for dinner?" as she gurgled in response. As if on queue Elizabeth had appeared from behind him,
"Hi Sweet girl, Momma's here to feed you." Jack glanced at his wife, she had taken off her rain jacket and slipped into dry sweats before entering Annabelle's room. Not long after she was at her apartment her body told her that Annabelle was due for a feed and reluctantly ran back home. He could see that her hair was still wet which meant she ran in the rain. She reached over to lift Annabelle out of her crib and into her arms. Holding her daughter close she sat on the rocking chair to feed her. Elizabeth found herself covering herself as she fed Annabelle which did not go unnoticed by Jack. When she was done and Annabelle was burped she placed her back in her crib.
"Goodnight my sweet girl." She said softly kissing her daughter's forehead before leaving him to say his own goodnight without a word. Elizabeth tucked Logan in for bed before heading into their bathroom to take a long hot shower.
Jack entered their room and he could hear that she was in the shower. Unbeknownst to him Elizabeth was sitting on the floor of their shower unmoving with quiet tears rolling down her cheeks. Jack went to check on her after awhile to find that the door was locked which she never did.
"Elizabeth," he said knocking on the door. Elizabeth looked up hearing his voice that sounded so foreign to her in that moment. She stood to her feet and turned the shower off. He could hear her move around the bathroom but she had not uttered a word. She emerged a few minutes later in her pyjamas. Without looking at him, she climbed on to their bed and curled up with her back towards him. Not knowing what to say he changed into his pyjamas and climbed in beside her. He felt her move away from him as though she couldn't bear to feel him against her.
"Sweetheart," he said softly,
"It's fine Jack. I'm tired. I'm going to sleep okay." She said cutting him off as she moved closer to the edge of the bed. Not really knowing where to begin, he sighed and let her be.
When Elizabeth was sure he was asleep, she rose gently off their bed and moved to Annabelle's room silencing the baby monitor. Elizabeth picked up Annabel from her crib and cradled her in her arms before sitting on the rocking chair, rocking them booth soothingly as Annabel lay comfortably against her chest asleep bringing peace that Elizabeth needed. Jack watched Mother and Daughter asleep on the rocking chair. Wanting to allow Elizabeth some rest, he did not disturb them.
Elizabeth woke before he did and went for a run after feeding Annabel and getting Logan up for school. Jack drove him to school every morning and she more often than not picked him up in the afternoon. Elizabeth had taken the same route she had taken the night before and ended up in her old apartment once more seeking normalcy. Seeking solace.
Jack saw the look of concern on his mother's face as she dished out breakfast and he met her gaze noting it. Jack was going to take Logan to school and spend the rest of the day trying to get his wife to talk to him. He knew that she would return before Annabelle's next feed. Jack saw her phone and watch by the door exactly where she had left it the night before. Both were drained of battery so he had plugged them into the charger.
Elizabeth returned home shortly after Jack had left to take Logan to school. Elizabeth took a quick shower and got Annabelle ready for the day.
"Mom, are you okay to pick up Logan this afternoon. I have an appointment with the doctor I forgot about."
"Of course, everything okay?"
"Yeah, just a routine post baby check up. I scheduled it without taking into account after school pick up. Annabelle has a play date with William and I have a play date with Rosie. I'm going to go straight to the doctor's appointment from there."
"Sure honey," Charlotte replied, they were both aware she was avoiding Jack like a plague but Charlotte understood the need for space. Without picking up her phone or watch, Elizabeth left.
Jack drove into their driveway realising Elizabeth's car was no longer there and felt his stomach drop. Charlotte relayed to him what Elizabeth had told her to which he could only nod. It was not lost on him that her phone and watch remained by the door.
Elizabeth had called Rosie and cancelled on their play date with the excuse that she wasn't feeling well, which wasn't at all a lie, doing the same for her doctor's appointment. Elizabeth found herself in her old apartment, parking her car inside the garage. Having picked up provisions along the way, she and Annabelle were able to spend their whole day there uninterrupted.
When Elizabeth had not returned by the late afternoon, Jack was almost beside himself with worry. He had called Rosie and Carson's office who told him that Elizabeth had cancelled on both of them. Elizabeth had fallen asleep with Annabelle and lost track of time. She had pulled into the drive way as Jack was coming out of the house in search of her.
"Elizabeth, where have you been? I called Rosie and Carson, both of them said you cancelled on them. You had me worried sick," Charlotte had come out too and Elizabeth handed Annabelle over to her to take her inside.
"Why, it's not raining." She replied evenly, her eyes challenging him for a fight.
"Sweetheart," Jack's heart broke at the sight of her and reached out as she stepped back,
"Don't. Please don't."
"We need to talk," he pleaded,
"Do we though?" she asked with disbelief.
"Yes, yes we do."
"So you dictate when we talk and what we talk about. That's convenient, you seem to leave out a lot of details which as your current wife I would think I would be privy to. Then again as your current wife, I should be used to that by now." The reference to herself as his current wife was like a slap on his face. Elizabeth shook her head and walked around him,
"Stop walking," Jack's voice stilled her. She heard the hurt behind them, closing her eyes she stopped and waited as he stood before her.
"What?" she asked with tears in her eyes,
"What else is there to say? You're sorry. Jack, I know you are. That you were scared, yeah I got that too. It doesn't change the fact that you never actually told me the specifics of how Emily died, because if you did. I would know. I would have made sure that I would have sent out word by borrowing a stranger's phone, sending a bat signal, or a freaking owl for goodness sake to reassure you we were so that you did not re-live the worst moment of your life. I'm sorry you were frightened, I truly am. But you and I both know as worried as you may have been about me to some degree yesterday, that moment wasn't about me. That wasn't about how much you love me. That was about what you had lost, and I have to tell you Jack I wish there was another way for me to see it because I just feel stupid right now." Jack wrapped her in his arms and held her tightly against his chest as she remained unresponsive.
"Sweetheart.."
"I told you to let me walk away, why didn't you just let me." She said stoically,
"Because I love you, because despite what you are currently thinking I can't imagine spending my life with anyone but you. You are the love of my life and losing you the same way as I lost Emily was unfathomable. The mere idea of taking another breath without you was inconceivable. Baby, I am so sorry." He said cupping her cheek as he looked into her eyes pleading with her to see through him. Elizabeth's eyes began to shed the tears she had been trying to hold in, she gazed down unwilling to allow him to see what had weighed so heavily in her heart since the night before. Jack just held her tighter.
