I've been meaning to use this quarantine time to update this story as much as possible, but I honestly haven't been able to get out of this current state of mind block I have going on. I want to finish the story, I really want to do it, because I don't like leaving my stories incomplete, but it's proving to be very difficult for me, so I'll just try to finish it as soon as I can.
Love in the Time of Cholera: The Final Road
Seattle, Washington. 1986
It was Christmas and although in other times, these holydays would be a cause of happiness for the Torres family, now it was a cause of sadness for the first time in many years, if not ever. Nothing was the same again after that Sunday. To relatives of the family, it was clear that something was different and some tried to fix it, the children were intermediaries, friends listened patiently and gave their support, but months passed by and anger and pain seemed to never say goodbye the close-knit family of seven.
Malicious words were spoken, feelings of guilt were revived, frustration was evident to all who were involved in the matter and those innocent of the facts, lost their innocence after knowing the whole truth.
It was a truth that tormented.
It was a Truth that hurt still. A truth that evoked painful memories for all involved.
It was Christmas, it was supposed to be time for recollection and love and family, but Arizona Robbins felt further away from her family than she had ever in a long time. Since Simon was born, to be more exact.
"This feels bad, mama." The sweet voice of a girl, turned into a woman, said over the phone. Anguish was heard in her voice. "You have to go back to the house, please." Her request was genuine and although she had made it multiple times before, she couldn't help but ask for it again and as many times as necessary. "It's Christmas ..." She mentioned it as a fact. "Your place is at home with your children." Her words were heard almost as a reproach at the end, which denoted tiredness of knowing the current situation of the family.
After a few seconds with those words echoing in the air, a distant and emotionless response came. "When are you getting home?" it was what she got asked instead.
The young woman on the other end of the line sighed heavily, sounding more exhausted by the second. "Tomorrow. I know it's Christmas Eve but I couldn't leave earlier." She was tired of her mother continuing to ignore her words, it was what she had been doing for months now.
"So I look forward to seeing you tomorrow." The woman said on the phone. "And about your request," She took a deep breath before speaking again. "I don't think that's possible for now."
At that, the young woman on the other end of the line quickly added. "Then when? It's been months, mama." The frustration was evident in her tone.
"When I feel ready to go back ... if I ever do." She didn't see it, but her response caused pain reflected in her older daughter's facial expression. "I have to go, Madison. I have patients to attend to, I love you, goodbye."
It wasn't easy for Arizona to hang up on her daughter, but she was tired of hearing the same thing every time she received a call from Madison or any of her children lately.
In fact, she was having a hard time doing a lot of things lately, like forgiving and forgetting, but somehow she felt it was her right to be angry and hurt for as long as it took. She was grieving.
She had lost a child again and the people she trusted with her life had lied or omitted information to her and that, to her, was the same as betraying her trust.
She was hurt and she needed time, how much exactly? She didn't know, she just knew she wasn't ready to forgive and let go yet. But even so, she was also hurt knowing that her children were suffering from her absence and she was eager to return to being at home, sharing with her family as in the old days, especially in these times that were so special for everyone; but every time she tried to think about those moments of happiness, she was also thinking about the lies and the deception that she suffered at the hands of the person she trusted the most. What made everything more painful was that there was no remorse or regret for what had happened. "What's done is done." It was the response she got in return.
That stopped her.
Months before
Arizona entered the house looking pal, head down and crestfallen, many things went through her head, so many that she didn't even know how to organize her thoughts, she didn't know where to start, but one thing was clear ... She needed to find Andrew.
She needed to find him and beg him to give her a chance to explain herself. She has dreamed of finding her son for so long and now she could have a real chance to get him back, so she would not rest easy until she succeeded.
"I heard some screaming, what was that all about?" Callie's voice broke the silence in the house, effectively snapping Arizona out of her whirlwind from the mess that was her head right now. "Arizona, I'm talking to you." The woman said when there was no answer from the blonde, her voice still thick from sleep.
"He was here." Her voice was tiny, almost sore, afraid to say it out loud, because that would be admitting that what just happened was real and if it was real, she would have to put on her big girl shoes and assume her responsibilities and consequences of actions from the past.
Callie frowned, confused by the words of her life partner. "What are you talking about? Who?" To her, Arizona was acting weird, her gaze was out of focus and thoughtful.
"He hates me." Those words spoken aloud clouded her eyes with unshed tears. "He was here and he said he hates me"
Arizona's words somehow struck a chord in Callie, strangely her pulse began to race. "Arizona, look at me." She shook the woman's shoulders, forcing her to look her in the eye. "Who are you talking about? Who hates you?" She urged for an answer.
"Andrew." A single word. A singular name and Callie understood immediately. "He was here and he told me he hated me. My son was here, Callie. My son." Her body tensed and her expression hardening at the blonde's words.
"How do you know it's him?" Callie asked calmly but tensely. "How do you know it's your son?"
"He told me. He told me everything." The blonde doctor answered not understanding the double meaning of the brunette's question in front of her. "He told me about Lexie and Mark and my parents and everything else, it's him, Callie. He was here." Arizona started pacing the room, her thoughts still all over the place, failing to realize how nervous Callie's behavior was.
Callie leaned back on the kitchen counter, her head in her hands, recognizing Arizona's words and what they meant.
"Good morning!" Simon and Emily said at the same time as they entered the kitchen, with an Evelyn still fighting against sleep. None of their mothers responded, and this caused concern to all three of them. "What's going on?" Emily was the first to ask, finding the silence a bit strange. "Mom?" She directed the question to Callie who was still leaning against the kitchen counter with her head down.
"Don't worry sweetie." Callie finally looked up and tried to give her children a smile, even Evelyn was already expectant and frowning. "Let's start breakfast –" Her words were interrupted.
"I have to go back to that town. To Elizabeth!" Arizona said out loud, surprising the other family members.
Callie quickly approached her. "Arizona, you can't go back to that town again. Don't you remember what happened the last time you were there?"
"But I have to, Callie. I have to talk to Lexi, I have to find a way to talk to her and Andrew, don't you understand, Callie? I can get my son back, finally." She said with tears in her eyes.
"So what? You're going to leave your family because you're going after your old family?" Callie reproached immediately, raising her eyebrow. "You have nothing to do in that town, you don't even know if he's your son, Arizona." She mentioned again, with disgust in her voice, her words surprised both Arizona and the kids, that although they didn't know what was happening or what their mothers were talking about, it kept their interest.
"I told you, he told me everything, why do you doubt his word? He was here, Callie!" Arizona was beginning to lose patience with Callie's refusal. She thought that out of all people, the brunette would be the first to offer her support, knowing in advance how much Arizona has wanted this, to see her son again and get him back. "Mom, why don't you calm down a bit?" Emily tried to intervene.
"Emily, stay out of this!" Both women said at the same time. The girl could only raise her hands in surrender.
"Arizona," Callie started again. "I'm not talking about him telling you the truth, I'm talking about that we don't even know for sure that he's your son at all. For all we know, Lexie lied to you about it many years ago." In her mind, Callie really intended to rationalize with whom she considered a rather impulsive Arizona.
Arizona frowned, shaking her head in disbelief. "Callie, Lexi wouldn't lie to me and she certainly wouldn't lie to her own son, what's your problem?" She really couldn't believe that the brunette, who knew her story completely, was not on her side. Because that's how it felt, like if Callie wasn't on her side.
Callie snapped up, "Oh please! She can say anything, don't you get it. Between you, a hardworking, beloved and respected person and Mark Sloan, the owner of a brothel in a nosy little town, do you really think it wouldn't be easy enough for her to choose a father for her son?"
"Wait son?!" Evelyn yelled in surprise at her mother's words, finally catching up on the conversation. "Does Mama have another son?"
"Evelyn, please stay out of this –" Arizona tried, but was interrupted by the following words, from she considers to be her wife.
"No! She does not, Eve." Callie said disdainfully, surprising everyone.
"I am so confused." Little Simon's comment came.
Evelyn nodded without taking her eyes off her mothers. "Yeah, tell me about it."
Emily meanwhile struggled with the desire to say something, but her submissive personality wouldn't allow it.
Meanwhile, Arizona was so shocked by what Callie said that she simply couldn't find the words to follow through on this argument. Her mind and body flooding with pain, bewilderment, rage, frustration, how could Callie say such a thing?
"You know it's the truth. Don't look at me like that; you know it's the truth." Callie repeated again. It was what she always thought and she was tired of pretending it wasn't. She seriously didn't believe, not even instantly, that this boy could be Arizona's son. No matter how much they looked alike.
"Callie, he's my son. You know he's my son, I trust Lexi's word." Arizona said calmly, but rage could be heard in her dry, tense tone. "There is a reason why I married her all those years ago. I was the one to blame, I was the one doing the wrong thing, not her. She had no reason to lie to me –"
Callie laughed at the other woman's words. "So you do believe her, but not me. So she did deserve to be your wife and her child a family, but my daughter and I, didn't? Is that what you're saying?" Old wounds were reopened, the minimally healed ones.
"Come on, Callie, you know that's not what I mean at all!" To Arizona, everything was already very ridiculous, because she really didn't see it that way.
"That's exactly what you're saying, Arizona!" Callie yelled back.
"No, I'm not!" Arizona defended immediately, but Callie was on a roll.
"Just admit it, for God's sake!"
"Admit what?"
"Admit that if it weren't for Lexi kicking you out of her house and out of her life, you would be with her and your so-called 'son' right now." Callie said with quotes and everything. In the distance, both mothers heard the murmured 'mom' of their children, but neither listened anyway.
"Callie, that's not true!" Arizona felt lost with everything the other woman kept blaming on her, after all these years.
"It's the truth, just admit it!" Callie yelled again.
Arizona physically moved away from the brunette, her hands trembling with anger and frustration. "I am not going to admit something that is not true!"
"Stop yelling at each other!" Emily finally said something or rather screamed over her mothers' screams.
Her daughter's muffled scream seemed to pay off. The rest of the family fell into stunned silence, almost afraid to say the first word. Finally, it was Arizona who took the initiative, feeling that she should be the one to set the story straight.
"Callie," She started calmly and only continuing until the other woman looked her in the eye. "Even if Lexi hadn't found out about my condition, which I doubt would have been too long after we got marry, I still would have kept looking for you and our daughter. I never would have stopped." She took a tentative step toward the brunette, before glancing at her children who were expectant and confused. "I would never have stopped until I found you. When Lexi threw me out of her life, I only had more time to focus on finding you and our daughter. I loved you and Madison so much to give up. I would never have given up." Her blue eyes filled with tears, the sight of it softened the brunette's facial features. "She is my girl, just as Andrew is my boy."
At the mention of that name, Callie hardened her gaze and knew that her next words would cause pain. "Is that why you have been searching for him through all these years?" The contempt and condescension in her tone drove the blonde back, her mouth opening in shock.
"Callie –"
"You keep saying that you wouldn't have given up looking for Madison and me, that you would have never stopped looking for your children, but that was exactly what you did with him. You knew exactly where he was and you didn't care, you just forgot about him, you left, like you always do." The reproach was clear as water and that broke the heart of the blonde mother and doctor.
"Mom, come on, that was a little cruel, don't you think?" Evelyn chimed in fearfully, but even she could see the pain reflected in her mother's beautiful blue eyes.
"What did I say? Stay out of this. Go to your rooms, now!" Callie said over her shoulder to her children. This was not a conversation to have in front of them, but it was too late. Pandora's Box was open.
"No! I want to know what is happening." Simon said suspiciously but shyly. "Mama is it true what Mom says?" The boy asked, looking for answers, everything was just very confusing.
"Guys, please go to your rooms, we will go and talk to you and explain everything at another time." Arizona said calmly, but sadness was evident in her words.
"But, Mom-" Evelyn protested.
"Evelyn, please!" The desperate mother's request to her daughter was enough for the three of them to start walking back to their rooms.
Once they were out of the conversation, Arizona looked at Callie with disappointment. "I, clearly, made way to many mistakes in the past, but I never forgot about my son, Callie and you know it, more than anyone in the world, you know how many times I have cried because I don't have my son with me and how much I have wanted to see him again."
Callie said nothing, looking away, but she was clearly annoyed. "I know it's not easy for you, knowing ..." She stopped, causing the brunette to look her in the eye again. "Knowing that I have a son with another woman." She ended by saying and immediately Callie's face hardened again, shocking her head, rejecting the words of the other woman.
Callie stayed silent, turning her back to the other woman, her mind leading her to dark places, shocking her head before she whispered. "I should have known better." Now she was annoyed with herself. "When he told me all that, that day at the coffee shop, I should have known better, I should have done something, I'm so stupid!" She took her hands to her face in annoyance.
"Wait, he? Who is he? What do you mean he told you everything?" Arizona frowned, approaching Callie from behind. "Callie, what do you mean by that? What are you talking about?"
"She's talking about Andrew." The answer came from Emily, who promised to go to her room as her blonde mother asked, but she couldn't take it anymore with that truth in her throat. "He was my friend, remember, he asked for my help to find his father, it was he who told me your name or at least the name with which he searched for you, at first I thought it was just a coincidence, but then he showed me a photo of you or a male version of you and then I knew it." While Emily talked neither of the two women said a thing, Callie with her face in her hands, while Arizona looked in disbelief among the brunette and her daughter. "When I saw the photo, I came home and looked for an old photo in mom's things and it was you, holding a baby, I showed Andrew the photo a few days ago at the coffee shop and that was when mom talked to him." Without knowing it, Emily deepened her mother's hole with that revelation.
Everything clicked in Arizona's mind. "So you two knew? That he was my son and didn't say anything?" Betrayed, that was the feeling she had going on and the one that plagued her thoughts.
"Mom, I am so sorry, I didn't know what to say or how to say it, there are so many things that I don't understand, I was confused." Emily began to cry, afraid that her mother would not forgive her for hiding this from her.
"Oh Emi, don't worry too much baby, I wish you had come to me and told me right away, but I understand." She gave her startled daughter a weak smile before her features hardened as she turned to face a silent Callie. "But you? You knew about this and didn't tell me anything ... from days ago!" Arizona hardened her jaw, her voice sharpened, her face reddened from the anger that radiated from her pores. She knew and didn't say anything and worse part was that everything indicated that she wasn't going to say anything at all. "Callie, say something." She demanded tautly.
Callie let out a deep breath, ran her fingers through her jet-black hair, and cleared her throat before looking at the other woman. "What's done is done." And just like that, as if it were nothing, without remorse, without giving it importance, Callie just said that and saw how Arizona's face broke, tears spilled from her blue eyes in abundance, the feeling of suffocation was too much, so she took her car keys and walked to the door. "Where are you going?" Callie asked.
"You were the person I trusted the most in the world." Arizona started, "Thanks for breaking that up, now I know."
"Now you know what?" Callie asked with disdain in her voice.
"That I can't trust you anymore." She said over her shoulder before opening the front door of her house and walked away.
That night she didn't come home and when Callie walked back home after going to the supermarket could see that most of her things were not in the house or in their room.
She just left.
That was months ago and this is now. With Arizona gone, Elizabeth in military training, Madison out of town, Emily more self-absorbed than ever before, Evelyn and Simon asking about her mother all the time and Callie ... Callie just wanted ...
She didn't know what she wanted. Callie knew she wanted Arizona back, but the brunette was tired of going after the blonde every time, always trying to break through the blonde's self-imposed walls every time there was a crisis. But she also knew the reason for Arizona's self-imposed walls, she wouldn't admit it at first, but when the days turned into weeks and weeks into months, the brunette began to reconsider her decisions, her words, her thoughts.
She knew that she had hurt Arizona, by not telling her immediately about the young man, she had a bad time trying to believe that this boy was Arizona's son, since, that was a constant reminder of their past and what she was initially for the blonde. Just the other woman.
But deep down, she knew. She knew that this young man was the son of the mother of her five children and although she knew that she acted selfishly, she couldn't help but feel what she felt. She didn't want it to be true, her mind refused to accept it, she just...
She just didn't know anything anymore...
She wanted Arizona to come home, but she wasn't sure she would be ready to face the angry, hurt blonde.
Her life seemed to be falling apart, her family seemed to be falling apart. The family she had always dreamed of and that she worked so hard to build with the woman she loved. She just didn't know what to do anymore.
"Are you okay there?" And then there was this woman who, although sweet and innocent, knew her truth and that was enough reason to make her nervous. "It's just that you look upset, I was passing by and I saw you sitting here." Sitting on the front porch of a house, just a house, with the memory of what her family was months before all this happened.
"No, I'm not fine, but I will be." Callie answered quietly without looking the other woman in the eyes, who has become a constant in the last months in her life and that of her children, without realizing it.
The other woman took her hand and squeezed gently. "You know I'm here for you, whatever you need."
Callie smiled weakly, finally looking into her eyes. "I know that, Peny. Thank you."
Peny, the redheaded daughter of a white man who wanted by all means, to take what was Callie's, everything she have worked for with so much effort and dedication, the business she had built together with Addison and Arizona. Peny knew the truth, about her and she did not care, she became her friend and confidant, but in a different way, different from what it was with Bailey or Addison or even April and that sometimes scared her. Peny understood her, Peny knew everything and she didn't care, she connected with the redhead on a rarely good level, she felt good in her company, not in a romantic way, don't get it wrong, but it made her feel good and less lonely, and this days Peny and her children, were the only things that brightened her days through these particularly dark months.
It was strange but good at the same time. It helped clear her mind, but Arizona was still present in her thoughts ... Maybe she should talk to the blonde ... she thought as she watched their neighborhood's children play in the distance.
Sitting there on that porch, it was how Callie imagined her life would end ... With Arizona by her side, both old and wrinkled their hair full of gray traces, without a hint of youth or strength, probably with pain in their bones, after so many years, but with a young heart, trying to keep two worn bodies alive but happy.
That was what she imagined for her future. She and Arizona, together until their bodies and the years allowed them, but together.
She really needed to speak to the blonde.
Meanwhile Arizona, in her office, painfully remembered the call she had a few weeks ago with a woman, who particularly, unconsciously or consciously had hurt her for years and the mere memory of her, still hurt her.
She dialed the old number, the one she couldn't forget despite the years, she sent a silent prayer to whoever was listening, so that this was still the number of that house, that the memories still haunts her in nightmares.
"Robbins's family, this is Barbara speaking, who do I have the pleasure to talk to?" The cheerful and polite voice came through the line and Arizona could feel her body freeze, her skin bristled, her face warmed strangely. She hadn't heard that voice in over twenty years. "Hello? Is anyone there?" Her voice was clearly more worn, somehow thicker, probably aged, but she still caught the blonde on the other end of the line by surprise, so much so that she hadn't uttered a single word, until… "Arizona? Arizona, is that you?" Until she heard those words.
The question brought her out of that apparent verbal paralysis she had. "Hi Mom." She said in a low tone, afraid to even utter those words. "How are you?" She tentatively asked.
Silence now came from the other line, so Arizona could only feel stupid believing that her mother would want to talk to her as if the last twenty years of her life hadn't passed at all. "Why are you calling?" After a few seconds of tense silence, that was the answer she got.
Arizona squeezed her eyes shut, so hard she could feel her entire body tremble. How stupid could she be to think - "Arizona, are you in trouble? Are you ok? Do you need anything?" Was her mother really asking if she was ok, if she was in trouble, if she needed anything? Was this real?
"No, mom, I'm not in trouble, I don't need anything." She quickly responded upon hearing the urgency in her mother's voice.
"Then why are you calling?" Barbara Robbins asked confused. "You haven't called in more than twenty years, never came back or sent a letter, until now, so I must believe you need something." She continued, however Arizona could hear that there was no hint of reproach, just curiosity.
"Well, the way I left home wasn't the easiest of all, and I thought it would be better for everyone if no one ever heard from me again. I didn't know you would mind." A tear spilled down her cheek until it fell to the surface of her desk.
"Of course I do care, Arizona. You are my child." Arizona nodded at that little hint of her mother not accepting who she really was yet. So she was called just a child, not son or daughter, just child. "I know that I wasn't the best of mothers, but I always tried my best, although now I know, that that wasn't enough." Her words were heartfelt and Arizona just couldn't blame her, she somehow understood. "So why are you calling now?" The older mother asked.
Arizona took a deep breath, before uttering the following words "I need to find Lexi, Mom."
After that call and that conversation with her mother, Arizona was not confident that something would change, after all, her mother didn't assure her that she would speak to Lexi, but still, the blonde hoped that the call would do some good. After all, she gave all of her personal information to her mother, hoping that she would pass that information on to Lexi Grey so that she could communicate with her to talk about the child they had together.
On another side, Arizona couldn't get out of her mind what her mother told her about what was going on with the family. His brother was dying, apparently from an disease only related to male homosexuals, her father had lost his mind and remained locked up in Timotty's room, won't speak, won't take care of himself and hardly ever eat for days, for the last few years. Her mother was the one taking over the house and the malicious comments from people in the town, dealing with the murmurs and public humiliation when everyone found out about her son's homosexuality.
Her family has clearly not been having a good time, and although Arizona could understand all of that, she found it difficult to show sympathy for them.
She just wanted to find Lexi.
See her son.
Have the opportunity to meet her child and tell her story.
"Excuse me, Dr. Robbins?" Her secretary interrupted her thoughts, entering her office almost shyly.
Arizona tried as much as possible to smile as genuinely as possible at the other woman. "Yes, Mary. What can I do for you?"
"There is a person here who came to see you, but it's not on the agenda for the day. She says it is important to talk to you." Mary said doubtfully.
"Is she a patient?" Arizona frowned at her secretary's words.
"No, ma'am, she says it is about a personal matter." Mary said honestly.
Arizona sighed deeply. "What's her name?" In her mind, she could almost believe that perhaps Callie came to her office to talk to her.
Mary saw her notes before answering the question. "It's Alexandra Gray, Dr. Robbins."
All mistakes are mine.
