Neon Genesis Goonvangelion Book 3: Pointless Kombat
Chapter 9: The Wool Story / Dress Rehearsal I
Misato arrived at the briefing room with half of her attention set on ignoring the growing sense of unease clouding her senses. She was still in her working uniform, and it still drew Waddell's eye as she came close to him, stopping an arm's length away.
"Welcome, Major." Jared smiled politely and gestured to the open door leading into Briefing Room Three.
Misato paused, sparing the open door a glance before peering into the nearly full room.
As if reading her mind, "There's reserved seats for the command staff in front."
"Uh, thanks."
"Think nothing of it."
She fidgeted. Having a single shred of respect for the goon was throwing her off of her game. "Are you directing this play? I expected you to be busy getting ready."
Jared smiled, this time with genuine humor. "Some of the engineers owe me little favors; they'll be managing the play. I am a mere playwright."
Another question came to mind. "Didn't you write this before the Angel?"
"I did."
"I read Ritsuko's report. Did you make any changes after…"
His eyes remained steady, locked on hers. Too steady. "Just a few changes, mostly to stage directions."
She stood still for another handful of seconds. "You're greeting people at the door."
"Yes."
Sighing, she walked into the room. The entire command staff, the alternate shifts, the other pilots, and many engineers filled the room. Some others she recognized from the armory, and there was one woman at the back, with a dynamite figure, who appeared to have either lost a bet, or enjoyed wearing fetish outfits to work.
A few of Ritsuko's personal guards were even hiding in the back row. The doctor herself was down in the front row next to the only open seat in the room. "Major."
"Doctor." Misato sighed and sat down. In front of the projection display, someone had set up a podium with a cardboard box on top. The box had been trimmed and colored with some crayon to make it look like a tiny stage.
Misato wanted to ask Ritsuko what she knew of the play, but it felt pointless. She'd debriefed Waddell, and Misato had read the debrief and watched the video several times. There wasn't really a reason to attend this play except they'd asked for it, and Waddell had delivered. It would have been rude not to attend now.
The lights dimmed, and a lanky fellow in glasses ambled up to the cardboard box and welcomed the audience. The play was soon underway.
Waddell paced back and forth before the locked and sealed Briefing Room door like a nervous first-time father. He had stopped four times to check the time on his Mini-MAGI and commend the soundproofing of Briefing Room, but damn if that fact didn't leave him nervous as hell.
He stopped pacing, checked his Mini-MAGI for the fifth time, and bit his lip. "That's it. They'll be rolling the-"
The door slid open and The Creature From The Foodfight emerged with fire blazing in its eyes and catsup dripping from its-her… well, her... that was Misato and she was-
"WADDELL!"
Jared gulped. "Well, what did everybody-"
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
That demon spitting steam from its ears behind her must have been Ritsuko. And there was Asuka, faintly glowing blue.
Jared took a deep breath. He could take criticism. Really, he could. He wouldn't cry. "Too much special effects catsup?"
"YA THINK?!" Misato thrust her arms out sideways, flinging arcs of the red stuff onto the walls and floor with a chorus of wet splats.
The day following the first showing of 'The Ninja Experience' went slightly smoother, and by Wednesday was a bona fide attraction within NERV. By Thursday, the Goons' newest flavor of fame had become passe, and the trio retreated to their office to toil away without recognition.
And by early afternoon, the toiling had worn the trio down to nubs. Andy gave up screaming at various construction crews over the phone in Spanish, consulting his Mini-MAGI and hanging up with an expression of surprise and a shout of alarm. "Crap! I'm going to be late."
"Late for what?" Jared asked.
Andy shook his head, putting a hand on the door's release button. "Feh! You should be preparing for your doom, Waddell, not questioning me!"
With that, the larger goon was gone.
Jared shrugged and returned to poking at a large display on his desk.
John looked up from his mountain of paperwork. "What is he late for?"
Jared shrugged again, then stood and walked towards the door. "I'd better get going too. Promised I'd hang out with Rei for a bit."
John sighed. "Yeah, you do that."
Thick storm clouds drew a veil of gray across the sky, choking out the sun and throwing rain upon Tokyo-3 in great drenching sheets. By the time Andy made his way to the surface, the streets were slick and the pedestrians huddled under umbrellas or sprinted from cover to cover. The goon ignored both them and the rain, and began walking in a random direction. He was drenched within three steps.
After a few blocks, he gave pause. The rain beat down on the buildings and umbrellas and streets without mercy. Each drop was a splash, barely audible, but the sound of thousands upon thousands landing in cacophony muffled softer sounds. Finely tuned senses took in every detail.
"Waaark…"
Andy turned on his heel and nearly knocked over a startled old woman.
"Well, excuse me!"
Andy ignored the woman and continued for a block, crossed a street, and entered a narrow alleyway. Another call drew him forward. He emerged between the buildings, facing a partially flooded street with penguins lined up on the sidewalks. "So…" Andy walked boldly into the middle of the street, and faced a single distinctive penguin also in the middle of the street.
"Wark!"
"Pen-Pen."
Lightning flashed across the sky.
"Wark."
Andy grimly dropped into a fighting stance. "It ends tonight."
At an invisible cue, goon and seabird charged at one another through the driving rain, fists raised. As they met, Pen-Pen darted under Andy and flipped the goon ass over teakettle.
Mid-air, Andy spun around to land a kick on Pen-Pen that sent the bird slamming into his compatriots at highway speeds. Andy landed upright on his feet with a full Saiyajin smirk. "What's the matter?"
Pen-Pen stumbled away from his friends, rain-slick feathers ruffled, like knives sticking out of a pool of tar. "Waa-"
"Gettin' old?"
Pen-Pen's eyes flashed with anger.
Andy met the inevitable charge by blocking, then a red aura flared around him and he countered, cutting through Pen-Pen's barrage with a blindingly fast double-punch that sent the penguin reeling.
While Andy gloated, Pen-Pen socked him in the stomach. "WARK!"
Andy snap-kicked the seabird in the family jewels, and both stumbled away in agony, glaring at each other. The kids gloves were removed. The pair drew themselves up, and clashed again and again. Each snuck in hit after hit and soon both were covered in bruises. Finally, after several epic blows, the seabird fell unconscious.
The many penguins lining the street watched Andy carefully.
The goon rubbed his arm where Pen-Pen had pecked him several times, and sighed. "Boom... whee…" He pulled a whole salmon out of somewhere and threw it at the seabird.
Pen-Pen instantly revived, rolling to his little webbed feet and catching the fish in his beak. He stared at the goon for a minute, blinking several times, then turned and waddled away. The other penguins did likewise, leaving the goon alone on the street.
"My battles are not complete," Andy intoned gravely.
Jared found Rei still within NERV, dressed in her school uniform, reading a book, sitting on a bench. Where in NERV? The Pervert had no clue…
"Hey," Jared sat down. "How are things going?"
"Fine." Rei did not look up from her book.
Jared waited for a minute, looking around and counting off the seconds in his head. He was into the triple digits when Rei spoke again.
"I still do not know you."
"I had this big speech all prepared for that, but I don't think I can help you."
Rei read through a few pages before Jared said out loud, "Bored."
Rei said nothing.
Jared started poking her in the side. "Poke… poke…"
Rei did nothing.
"Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke."
Still, Rei did nothing.
"Poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke!"
Rei remained silent and unmoving. An ocean of undisturbed calm against the Rock of Stupidity. Or was that Stupid as a Rock?
Jared jumped to his feet and Posed. Power flowed through him. "WADDELL SCHOOL ULTIMATE ANNOYANCE ATTACK!" The goon started screaming the word 'poke' at air raid siren volume, suiting action to words.
At about poke one hundred and thirty-two, Rei's left eyelid twitched. Once.
Her hand flew towards Jared's face, open and with the fingers held straight as fence boards. The mach cone formed around it created a mach cone before it slammed into Jared's cheek hard enough to crack a tectonic plate. The goon bounced down the hallway, ricocheting off of walls, floor, and ceiling like a super-ball, until he crashed into a large garbage bin about thirty meters away.
A white number floated into the air above Jared's head, reading '9999'.
"Goooooooooaaaaaaaaal."
Rei briefly exchanged her novel for a notebook, and made a single mark before returning to her recreational reading.
Jared walked into the Apartment of DOOM, clothing torn. One side of his face was a big purple bruise. Tissues stuffed in his nose, spotted with blood.
John looked up from making some notes. "There you are! I haven't-"
Andy walked through the door, clothes a mess from his fight with a certain animal. His lip bled from a small cut, one arm sported a patchwork of bruises and red marks. A nice shiner was parked around one eye. He adjusted an imaginary tie, and screamed, "WE'RE DOOMED!"
"OH GOD!" Jared chimed in.
"NOOOOOOO!" Andy continued.
Jared swayed in horror. "OOOH WHAT A WORLD!"
Andy dropped to his knees and beat upon the floor with his fists in sorrow. "YOU BASTARDS! YOU BLEW IT ALL UP!"
"HOW COULD YOU?!" Jared added.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Andy howled.
Jared dropped to his knees. "WHY GOD... WHY?!"
"OH THE HUMANITY!" Andy wailed.
Jared tore at his clothes and beat upon his breast. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"WHYYYYYYYYY!" Andy added.
"ALL IS LOOOOOOOOOST!" Jared continued.
"NOOOOOO!" Andy began to wind down.
"DOOOOOOMED!" Jared also began to quiet slightly.
"You foooools!"
"Doomed I say, doooooomed!"
John remained silent, face blank, until after Andy and Jared came to a stop. Both stood and fretted over the remains of their clothes as if they wore 'Armani' instead of 'hobo rags.' John waited patiently until they finished and looked at him, silent.
The doorbell rang.
All three exchanged suspicious looks before Jared shouted at the door. "We're not home!"
John face-palmed.
Andy opened the door. "We aren't buying any."
"I'm not selling any," Said Director Yamanaki, and walked inside. "How are things, gentlemen?"
"They're… going," John said.
Yamanaki gave Waddell a chiding stare. "Mikuru asked me to tell you 'hi' for her." He then slipped around the goon and made use of a seat at the kitchen table. "We have a few more things to discuss. Sit down, please."
"Uh, thanks?" Jared glanced at Andy.
Andy glanced back, mirroring the puzzled look. John shrugged and sat at the table.
The Intelligence director spared Jared and Andy a patient look, then glanced around the kitchen. "I thought you three had another appliance here."
Jared and Andy exchanged another look.
"A blender," Yamanaki prompted.
All three Americans answered simultaneously.
"We don't have one," said John.
"I sent it out for repairs yesterday," said Andy.
"I broke this morning," said Jared.
Yamanaki looked at his fingernails for a moment. "Well, it sounds like there's some confusion about what happened to your labor-saving device."
"There isn't." John said, glaring at Jared.
"It's like bigfoot. No real evidence for it even existing, but one can find lots of stories from unreliable witnesses." Jared shrugged.
"I just said it's out for repairs," Andy insisted.
"Sounds like it went missing," Yamanaki added, then gestured to the two empty seats. "Please, sit down."
Jared reluctantly took a seat. "It's not missing. It's just not here."
"You know where it's at?"
"I didn't say that."
"So you don't know where it's at?"
"I didn't say that either. I just said it is not lost."
"Waddell, it wants to be found…"
"What are we talking about?" Andy put in.
John shushed the bigger goon with a hand gesture.
Yamanaki lowered his voice. "Is it safe? Is it secret?"
"It is now." Jared glanced at John. "And if there is any doubt, it will soon be able to secure itself."
John nodded back. Barely.
Yamanaki sighed. "That's for the best, I expect."
"It is?" John asked.
Yamanaki gestured to Andy and the last free seat. "Please, sit down."
"No thank you. What's going on here?"
John sat up straighter in his seat. "The Jet Alone Mark II."
Yamanaki looked at the ceiling. "I didn't say anything about a purely hypothetical piece of equipment that the United Nations definitely isn't investing time and money fruitlessly pursuing."
"The test is tomorrow," John noted.
"You three shouldn't do anything to interrupt it." Yamanaki was still looking around the apartment.
"Waddell and I shall be too busy to interrupt anything!" Andy declared.
"Of course!" Jared decided. "We could sabotage the Jet Alone test!"
"Why sabotage what we could simply blow up?" Andy asked.
"No one is planning to blow up a nuclear-powered Angel defense system!" Yamanaki declared.
"A nuclear-powered Angel defense system that definitely doesn't exist," John clarified.
Jared had this thinking face on. "I mean... don't they already suspect us of sabotage? What's to lose?"
"The problem," John insisted, pounding the table to get Andy's attention. "Is that the next Angel is going to arrive at the most inopportune time possible, and we don't even know what form it will take."
"We never know what form it will take." Yamanaki observed. "Now, if you three have some information you would be willing to share with the rest of the intelligence department…"
"I can volunteer something!" Andy said, finally grabbing a seat and sitting on it in the wrongest way possible.
"Yes?" Yamanaki prompted.
"We don't know what form the next Angel will take!"
Yamanaki recovered from his faceplant with remarkable aplomb. "Duly noted, Mucha."
Jared blinked and nodded to himself. "Hey, Chief. Why were you asking us about a blender we obviously don't have in our apartment?"
"The Japanese government was concerned about some data theft. Nothing for you three to worry about."
"Cool."
"Nice to know that when some important data gets stolen, the government sends our own boss after us first." John added.
"Oh, you weren't the first notified."
"Kaji? Kaji was supposed to find it?" Jared piped up.
Yamanaki coughed into his hand.
"And that's what we call progress," Andy nodded sagely.
Yamanaki checked his watch. "Well, I think we've made a few things clear."
"Who what now?" Andy looked around, startled.
"Perfectly," John added.
Yamanaki stood. "Oh, and about that trouble with the Evangelion equipment: other intelligence assets found an issue with some of the suppliers. Luckily, a computer error held up delivery and the problem is now being dealt with. Anyway, I think that's it for business. Now, there's a few beers out there with my name on them. Gentlemen, I take my leave."
After the boss had left the apartment, shouting erupted.
Upset, "What Evangelion equipment?! What computer error?"
Puzzled, "Did he actually say 'I take my leave'?"
Offended, "Who is he calling gentlemen?!"
After a moment of pointless shouting, the three finally managed a coherent conversation of sorts.
Jared cleared up the Evangelion issue first. "Okay, I had Vikki re-route the equipment for the new unit."
"Why?"
"Uh… I forgot."
"That wasn't funny."
"I wasn't joking." Jared frowned. "What the fuck did I do that for?"
"Indeed. Andy, you and Jared cannot get into some grudge match during the Jet Alone test, and we have to get ready for the 13th Angel's appearance. It should be something big and obvious, but-"
"Simple, Genoni, it's going to infect the Jet Alone MkII!"
"Cool, that'll cut the number of fights left in this book to just two." A ceiling tile bounced off of Jared's head. "Ow."
"Then you two can't get into a pointless fight!" John insisted.
Andy was still rambling and ranting about the Jet Alone. "And just one nuke? That's it? Why can't we battle something more terrifying? I need a challenge!"
Jared turned slowly to face Andy. "Is that a challenge?"
Andy raised an eyebrow. "...I may have mentioned a challenge."
Jared also raised an eyebrow. "A challenge, eh?"
Andy nodded slowly. "A challenge could be involved."
"A challenge would be... excellent." Jared nodded slowly as well.
"Yes... excellent…" Andy grinned like a toddler in a room full of red buttons.
Jared grinned like Happosai in the Playboy mansion.
John's face became that of a scientist who just realized the entire human race was doomed to imminent extinction without even the slimmest possibility of survival. "No... NO! You... you two walking disaster areas are going to be ready to take down the Jet Alone! For the last time, you two are NOT to get yourselves into an unauthorized grudge match while I'm out of town! DO YOU HEAR ME?!"
Andy and Jared continued to grin until John whipped out a pistol and fired it into the ceiling. Dust settled on the table. Someone on the floor above them screamed and dropped some dishes that crashed audibly into tiny pieces. John quickly put the gun away.
"We'll behave." Both goons said in stereo.
"Promise?" John pressed.
Andy smoothly replied, "Of course, we'll never listen to a word you say again, Amen."
"Amen," Jared agreed quickly.
John began growling.
"I'm... uh, going to Kensuke's house." Jared put two fingers to his forehead and disappeared.
"I'll continue training, I must be ready to defeat Ja-the Jet Alone." Andy put two fingers to his forehead and also disappeared.
"Fuck." John Forced the cordless into his hand. "I need to prepare NERV." After dialing, "Hello? Hello?! ...No, I am not looking for Cutts the Butcher! I'm trying to reach NERV! ... NERV! ... N-E-R... What? ...No, I did not dial 555-oh screw it." He hung up and dialed again. "Hello? What? ...What? ...No, "Lum" isn't here. Who is this? ...Hello? Hello?" He looked at the receiver, frowned, and dialed again. "Oh well, third time's a charm… Hello, Ritsuko? Hey, I...what? ...Stop that! Quit speaking Chinese damn it, this is serious! ...Ew! That's gross! ...No, don't-hang... up…"
John glared at the phone. "Bastards! We! Are! Doomed!" In a huff, he hurled the phone out of the nearest window. From below came the sound of a phone shattering, followed immediately by a familiar female shriek.
"SHINJI!"
John looked around the apartment. No witnesses. Now all he needed was an alibi.
A few days later, John, Rei, Shinji, Misato, and Ritsuko assembled in a parking lot adjacent to the train station out of the anime. John gave the place a couple of odd glances upon arrival; he was walking on hallowed ground.
Once everyone was present and had their attention on the Major, Misato began. "It will take us about fifty minutes to get there. We'll have fifteen minutes to get seated, and there will be a forty-five minute lecture. Assuming the demonstration works, the Japanese government will be ordering six of these ridiculous contraptions immediately. We are not here to prevent this from happening."
"Yet they won't put additional funding into NERV..." John mused.
"Not surprising, considering the amount of collateral damage you and your two cohorts have managed to inflict on the city." Misato took off her driving sunglasses. "Look, we're not permitted to operate here. We set the Evas at some nearby elevators anyway, on the far side of a large suburban area, just in case that stupid robot wants to start something."
"Then I guess it's time for a... ROAD TRIP!"
"I am long since past asking what the hell is wrong with you Americans."
John got into the van. "Killjoy."
One hour later, the group was suffering through a lecture on the capabilities of the Jet Alone MkII. The table NERV was given swallowed the group with room to spare. Oddly, there was no food served, just water and lots and lots of coffee. The new man at the lectern was short, severe, spoke only in formal Japanese, and wore glasses thick enough to protect his eyes from an N^2 detonation. Once the lecture was completed, the audience was invited to watch the nearby proceedings on a thankfully un-sabotaged projector screen.
As the lights dimmed John said, "I've got that bad feeling again."
Ritsuko nodded. "I feel it in the Force. There is something... coming for us. Coming here."
John poked at his Mini-MAGI. "Let's see if this works. Vikki? You there?"
The watch-like device answered promptly. "Present."
Ritsuko raised an eyebrow.
"Where are Jared and Andy?" John asked.
"Public train number 72." Answered the watch.
Ritsuko raised an eyebrow, looking at Misato. The Major shrugged in reply.
"Their security detail?" John asked.
"Meeting Room 8, NERV."
Shinji looked away from the lecturer.
John frowned. "Is there a camera in train number 72?"
"Security feed. Identified. The feed is encrypted."
"Okay, that's-"
"Encryption cracked," Vikki reported. "Security feed is available for viewing."
Ritsuko glared at John.
The goon shrugged. "Show me the feed, and is anyone else on that train?"
"Twenty-four other passengers." Vikki said as the camera feed came up in the watch's holographic display. A few people nearby glanced over to see what the NERV crew was looking at, but the lecture continued without interruption.
John watched Jared and Andy talk to each other. Andy sat up straight, eyes glaring at the far wall of the car. Jared slumped back in his seat, glancing at Andy every time he spoke. Despite their difference in size being measured in a handful of centimeters and a few kilograms, Jared appeared half as large as the other goon; he almost blended into the background.
The rest of the car was empty.
"Can you show me a view of the other passengers?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"The camera feed in the adjacent car has failed."
John thought for a second, then whispered to the Major. "How would Vikki know there's passengers in the train if the camera's out?"
Misato rolled her eyes. "Duh. Passengers have to pass ID through the readers at the gate to get onboard."
"Vikki, list the age and sex of the other twenty-four passengers on that train."
Vikki began rattling off ages between twenty and thirty-five, all male. At the sixth name, John stopped her, then turned to Ritsuko. "JSSDF."
Shinji frowned. "I thought their security detail was at NERV."
"It is." John said, deflating into his seat. "The JSSDF are after the both of them."
"Sucks to be them," Misato said. After a pause, she added, "They're going to ruin our day."
John put his attention back to the feed above his Mini-MAGI. Jared's mouth was drawn into a tight line, tense with anger. Andy's hands were repeatedly flexing into fists and unflexing to claws. Jared's occasional glances had turned into searing mechanical stares interspersed with a look at the far wall of the train car as if it had murdered his parents.
Just as shown in the footage John was viewing at that very moment, Jared and Andy sat in the middle of an empty car on one of Tokyo-3's public transport trains. Jared in casual khakis and a button-down shirt, with Andy in his nearly trademark loud Hawaiian shirt and equally nearly trademark loud Bermuda shorts. The train was no place for them. An elevated maglev affair done up in future utopian white and chrome, with advertisements proclaiming the effectiveness of colorfully-named energy drinks and reminding riders that the police and NERV were here to help, thank you and have a nice day.
Neither goon appeared to pay the slightest bit of attention to their surroundings. They spoke in clipped sentences, barely acknowledging one another.
"So Waddell, when are we going to get started?"
Jared glanced at his comrade. "Started? Started doing what?"
Andy sighed, turning the exhale into a subtle growl. "Our fight."
"What are we fighting over?"
"Well… you are you. And I am I. Therefore, we must fight."
Jared considered this for a minute before answering. "Well, it's a concise answer. I'm not going to fight with you for no reason. You want to train? Let's go train."
"We're ON a train. Waddell, what is wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me? Lots of things! Let's start with how we're in a fictional fucking universe with implanted memories and after my fucking MIND RAPE BY AN ALIEN INVADER, the best 'humanity's defenders' could come up with was a pat on the back and a 'hope you feel better, Jared'."
Andy raised a single eyebrow. "Do you feel better?"
"Not really."
Both stared at the far wall.
"Why not fight me?" Andy asked.
"I…" Jared went quiet for a minute.
"So your entire reality is a lie, so what? Has the world somehow changed since you battled the Twelfth?"
After Jared finished glaring at the side of Andy's head, "I've changed."
"GO GO GO!"
The far door burst open and small round objects started flying into the car. Andy looked up, bored, while Jared rocketed out of his seat and intercepted the objects with a string of flying kicks that sent the things flying back through the car's small windows.
His feet had no sooner hit the floor then a dozen burly men in cheap suits that did little to conceal their body armor rushed the train car. Andy watched, only half paying attention to the team moving into firing positions with compact automatic weapons aimed at the pair.
Jared smoothly moved from an easy landing to dashing at the disguised soldiers as they readied their weapons. He leapt into the air with such speed that for a split-second the group lost track of him. Then he was upon the soldiers like a wrecking ball plowing into a stack of wine glasses. Bullets flew in random directions, neither striking a goon, and in a few seconds the only people left alive in the train car were goons.
Andy stood and looked at the pile of bodies while Jared's assault continued into the next car. He waited patiently until the sounds of cranage stopped and Waddell came back.
Waddell looked slightly confused and more than a little resigned. He sized up Andy with dead eyes, then casually tossed aside a pistol he'd taken from someone. He touched the streaks of crimson leading from his lips to his left ear while the wind gnawed at the shards of glass clinging to the window frames.
"You just… killed a whole bunch of people in cold blood." Andy summarized.
Jared slowly rubbed his fingers together, watching the blood run across his knuckles. "And?"
"You aren't supposed to kill people for no reason."
Jared stopped paying attention to his bloody fingers. "They attacked me; I was defending myself."
Andy pointed at one of the bodies. "You tore that guy's face off."
"Only part of it."
Andy pointed at another body. "You kicked that guy between the legs so hard his head is still stuck in the ceiling."
"Ah yes, forbidden technique: American Kicks Army Privates. But back to us fighting. What was the point of that again?"
"Originally, Waddell? To increase my power level. You are a powerful combatant. One almost able to equal me on the field of battle, and thus an excellent foe to test myself against, and grow stronger." Andy took a deep breath, and gave Jared a calculating look. "Now? I think I need to beat some sanity into you."
Jared's expression didn't change. "So, Vegeta vs Goku?"
"If you wish to call it that."
"Because you're a bad guy?"
A vein in Andy's head throbbed so powerfully it was audible. "Because you're the bad guy!"
"I'm a ninja with mental problems, you lunatic!"
"Your brain worked just fine until that Angel came along!"
"Then blame the Angel for it! Don't try to beat me up!"
"Right, I have to challenge you! Waddell, we will fight. If you fall or submit, you won't kill people unnecessarily."
"And if you fall or submit?"
Andy glanced at the bodies on the floor, then steeled himself and met Jared's eyes. "Do your worst, demon. Do. Your. Worst."
The train flew past a few buildings. Quickly. The whole thing was doing at least a hundred kilometers per hour.
"Agreed," Jared said.
"Finally. NINJA VANISH!" Andy jumped nearly sideways with incredible speed, crashing neatly through a nearby window before Jared could move to intercept.
His sideways momentum combined with the train's forward momentum to slam him into the side of a skyscraper at truly painful speeds. A sizeable plume of dust and debris erupted from the impact site.
Jared stood at ease, eyes glancing up to watch the notification box on the ceiling display the next station as the train began to slow down. "Okay."
John mutely killed the entire Mini-MAGI display. He then carefully met the eyes of exactly no-one in the entire room. Many more beside the people at the NERV table had witnessed the events on the train's security camera. A few dismissed the rude display as little more than the idiots from that one government agency watching some obscure, violent action movie on their fancy taxpayer-paid toys. Most looked away, mulling over this development.
The lecturer calmly wrapped up as if nothing had happened.
"How long will you need to write this apology?" Ritsuko asked in a whisper.
"Rit-chan, let's not be hasty."
"And don't call me that."
"What did you expect? Jared's still reeling from re-experiencing the most tragic event in his life. Andy thinks this is a great chance to nearly get murdered and increase his power level. Andy can probably be redirected at any problems that pop up here, but we have to get Jared out of the picture. He's off the active roster, right?"
Ritsuko looked away.
"Major?"
Misato gave him a sad look.
John ran shaking hand through his hair. "Really? Well, fuckity fuck fuck fuck."
Andy stopped three blocks away from the train platform, brushing bits of concrete and cubicle walls from his sleeves. The train doors opened, and JSSDF soldiers launched flash-bangs into the car. Andy unwrapped a Snickers bar and began chewing, watching the show.
A whisper tried to interrupt him. "Psst! Andy!"
The great Andy continued to chewing. No mere whisper would interrupted his Very Necessary Snack. As soon as Waddell showed his face...
Louder whisper, "For fuck's sake-Andy!"
The Goon of Power turned his head from the military spectacle to see Jared crouched behind an EV charging station in front of a convenience store. Andy raised an eyebrow. Had The Waddell returned to normal? He returned to eating his snack. If the challenge had been accepted, he would wait for Andy to finish.
"Dude, gimmie a bite."
"No."
"C'mon, don't be a dick about this."
Andy pointed at the treat, employing a tactic that sometimes worked to train dogs. "My candy bar. Mine."
Jared pointed an open palm at the platform swarming with soldiers.
Andy glanced at Jared's stony face, the platform, and back to Jared. "You wouldn't."
The goon's expression didn't change as a string of energy blasts flew from his hand, struck the support pillars of the platform and track, and sent the whole works crashing to the ground.
Andy grimly stuffed the rest of the candy bar into his mouth. Then he spent several precious seconds furiously chewing to get the nougat and peanuts to cooperate. Finally he stood tall, ready to trash talk and follow words with action, and flexed his ki to clear the platform of dust.
Waddell stood two whole steps away as if waiting for his beating to arrive.
Distantly, someone screamed for a medic and complained about their leg or something being stuck.
"Done running away and firing ki blasts and innocent people?"
"Are… are you referring to the soldiers wearing body armor who were firing on us, from an elevated position and behind cover, with automatic weapons loaded with armor-piercing ammunition?"
"Don't change the subject, Waddell!"
"You wanted to be the good guy!" Jared interrupted.
"I wanted to fight you!" Andy shouted back.
"So fight me!"
Andy's response was to pull his fist back for a haymaker labeled with Jared's name and address. The smaller goon exploded into motion at the same time, delivering a suckerpunch to Andy's gut before simply fading away.
The huge goon locked his guard, forced to wait momentarily while he regained the ability to breathe. Waddell was nowhere to be seen, but the fight was on. One way or another, the God King of Combat was going to hunt that asshole down and beat some sanity into him.
Back at the conference center, the NERV crew watched the Jet Alone MkII walk around the test area, working perfectly. The new design featured thick arms and massive shoulders, framing an armored head set atop a stout barrel neck. Reinforced joints held the sturdy limbs together, giving the beast the build of a lumberjack.
John fiddled with his Mini-MAGI every few seconds, whispering updates to Ritsuko as he received them. "The control system is a physically separate system this time. Locked down pretty tight… there's nothing indicating the old men have control of it now. Of course, this is beta code… warning system is totally clear."
"I'm still not calm," Misato muttered.
The presenter gestured to the screen. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now bringing the Jet Alone into Parking Mode."
The Jet Alone unit stepped towards the docking gantry where it started the demonstration. At the last second, it turned ninety degrees, marched over the hill dividing the gantry from the facility's visitor parking area, and stomped squarely on-
"Isn't that-" Shinji was cut off by a short scream from Misato.
In the shocked silence, Ritsuko sighed. "Parking Mode. Of course."
Whispers sprang up throughout the room. Misato regained control of her voice. "My... van... MY VAN! YOU BASTARDS! THAT'S MY FUCKING [VAN]!" She reached for an empty holster, not even noticing Ritsuko covertly pocketing the plastic handgun she had just Forced away from her friend.
The mecha cleared the parking lot, leaving the Minivan From Hell undamaged, but wedged into a Minivan From Hell-shaped hole at the bottom of a foot-shaped crater.
"It's not stopping." Rei noted dryly.
The presenter sputtered into his microphone. "Stay calm, everyone. This is a minor error. We will have-"
John grabbed the other pilots in a big hug. "It's heading for the elevators!" He got two fingers to his forehead, and the trio vanished.
Ritsuko grabbed Misato's arm, using her other hand to make a strange gesture while speaking calmly to the fuming Major. "Your car will be okay."
"MY CAR IS RUINED!" Misato wailed.
Ritsuko repeated the gesture. "Your car will be fixed."
"You're damn right it'll be fixed..."
Another repeat of the gesture. "We've got to get moving."
"These assholes will pay for destroying my car."
Three figures appeared in a cramped underground maintenance station kilometers away from the rogue Jet Alone. Rei and Shinji stumbled away from John, dazed. A door a dozen meters away stood open, revealing a massive storage room with Unit-01 surrounded by several crews. Hoses and cables were plugged into the Evangelion, presumably keeping it ready for combat. A catwalk ran around the room and lead to doors that appeared to lead to similar storage rooms nearby.
John had a 'I'm a Space Marine' air about him, and immediately spat out orders. "Shinji, get in, use the manual close function and wait for Vikki to launch you. I'll take Rei closer to her platform."
"Good luck," Rei said to Shinji, just before John grabbed her hand and disappeared.
Shinji nodded and ran through to his Evangelion.
Minutes later, in the lower valley area ahead of the Jet Alone unit, three Eva elevators rose to the surface and disgorged their cargo. The reflective Unit-03 with Rei behind the controls, the purple Unit-01 helmed by Shinji, and the urban camo finish of Unit-05 holding John. Unit-03 and Unit-01 held fast behind a trio of grain towers, the only Eva-sized cover in the valley, while Unit-05 stood out in the open, taking a defensive stance with small conifers reaching up to its knees.
"No long range weapons, Misato's orders," John said.
Shinji immediately started in. "No long... she wants us to engage it in hand-to-hand?"
"Nuclear reactor; hit too many coolant lines and we get to see a big glowing boom up close. This valley will funnel the majority of the explosion towards Tokyo-3. We're going to smash it until it stops moving, but not rip it apart, cut it to pieces, or pepper it with bullet holes."
Shinji growled. "Got it."
"Understood," Rei said quietly.
03 and 01 moved out from behind cover and also took up defensive stances.
"Vikki, call up Andy and Jared; order them out here. Shinji, you press it from the left and I'll take the right. Rei, you hold back and strike it slips past us. There's not enough room for all three of us to pile on it."
"When did you get so fast?!" Andy barely blocked a trio of blows, threw a kick at the only opening, reversed Jared's trap, deflected the reversal's reversal, and dodged the follow-up. The whole string of moves was clearly just a ruse, for as Andy dodged, he ran into a waiting elbow strike. He barely blocked the follow-up that would have torn his throat out, and rolled backwards to get some distance from Waddell.
The quiet goon regarded him with a blank stare, hands slowly returning to his side, no doubt to draw Andy into another clash.
Mucha was not going to fall for this trick again. He had to be in control of this fight. "I said, when did you get so fast?"
"I thought you wanted to fight."
Andy hid a sigh. Waddell was in one of his moods again. Fighting Waddell was always annoying since the goons had so many sneaky tactics at his disposal. There was often a plethora of distractions that could both ensnare the goon and be employed against whoever was fighting him, although unless the military showed up again…
Andy slowly began to walk in a circle around Jared. The smaller goon moved likeways, leaving the pair slowly orbiting an unremarkable spot in the middle of a wide, empty street in the middle of a town under lockdown and ready to retract its buildings should the distant fight become, well, much less distant.
Mucha did want a fight. For all that Waddell boasted, he did indeed possess great skill, and would be a challenge truly worthy of Mucha's skill in most important task of keeping the goon distracted and murdering… well, murdering more innocent people. Or, well, military people who were maybe not so innocent.
He shook his head; no time to wonder about that now, Waddell's face needed some rearranging. Andy wound up a wild punch, and threw it expecting the dodge. Several moves into their clash, he unleashed the kick that would catch Waddell completely off-guard.
Jared dodged the wrong way and swept Andy's other leg.
From the ground, Andy shook his fist at Jared. "Quit cheating, you cheating cheater!"
Jared raised one eyebrow a tiny bit.
Shifting tactics, Andy used his outstretched arm to fire a blast of hot ki, then twisted around to kick at the goon. His opponent cowardly danced away. While this left Andy enough room to impressively return his feet unharmed, the unnerving blank stare on Waddell's face would not do.
"Predictable," said Jared, lifting his own arm and firing two ki blasts.
That would not do. Andy stood his ground, mightily slapping the two blasts out of the air. The first slammed into the road before him, digging a hole big enough to swallow a small dog. The second flew down the road with a keening wail until it impacted a small sedan and picturesquely blew the car into hundreds of tiny flaming pieces. Slowly lowering his fist, to meet Waddell's stare, Andy pondered his next move. He hated doing the warrior therapy thing with someone like Waddell. There was honor somewhere inside of that mostly-empty Engineer's skull, but the mutated form it took was more puzzling than useful. How could he therapy something so warped?
Jared's look was not one of anger, or even intensity. He looked… bored.
Andy nodded to himself, agreeing with himself that more punching and kicking was needed. Jared appeared to get the hint, dashing to meet him in a flurry of blows, despite the dead stare.
The next several seconds were increasingly stupid and frustrating. Stupid because the smaller goon kept using more and more little irritating tricks to slip out of a solid blow, and frustrating because when he did land a blow, that idiot Jared was fully braced for it and he just kept looking bored.
Finally their epic clash ended with Waddell landing an extremely lucky blow while balancing on his hands. Andy wisely moved to a more strategic position, leaving Jared to flip around like an idiot until he was standing on his feet like a normal person.
The God King of Combat also spent a few seconds catching his breath before rather reasonably asking of the goon, "When the hell did you get so fast?"
Jared's expression didn't change. "I've just stopped warning you before I attack."
Implying that he was always warning-
A fist unceremoniously slammed into Andy's nose, seriously bruising it and temporarily robbing him of sight. Andy's fists deployed on instinct, but something grabbed them and threw him through a small window onto some upholstery. Quickly realizing that was safety glass his head passed through, Andy smartly and swiftly put some ki into his feet and kicked. There was the screeching sound of rending metal, followed by the crack of decently thick glass breaking across the back of a very annoying goon.
Andy cleared his eyes and crawled out of the ruined car. Across the street, a crumpled thing that was once a car door lay on the sidewalk before an utterly shattered storefront. Jared was brushing glass off of his ugly polo shirt as he stepped off the curb and back onto the roadway.
"What's the hold up?"
Andy wiped at his nose and considered the blood that came away on his fingers.
The Waddell folded his arms over his chest. "You wanted to fight. So fucking fight already."
Andy fired from the hip with another quick ki blast. The ball of energy left of a keening wail that strongly implied it was unstable and would explode at any moment.
Jared calmly leaned to one side, letting the projectile past. Behind him, something expensive exploded.
A new voice rang out. Feminine. "That was a priceless statue, you idiot!"
"Who said that?" Andy asked, hiding his smoking hand behind his back.
"No idea," Jared grinned. "Shall I murder them in cold blood? Can't have any witne-"
"No!" Andy shouted. "You need to keep your eyes on me!"
Jared dropped the grin and frowned. "Why?"
Andy smirked, for it was time to play his first trump card. "Because I am your most dangerous opponent! Get your sleeping bag, Waddell, you're in for one ludicrously long power-up!"
Waddell did not get his sleeping bag. He charged like a runaway truck the instant Andy stopped talking. Now that Waddell had taken the bait, Andy blocked the kick and went on the offensive. Jared blocked everything with that blank expression on his face, then launched his own offensive. The next minute was some variation of the same-Andy would get some distance, start to power up, and Jared would attack, distracting him. The attacks wouldn't do a lot of damage, but they stung, and he counter-attacked. Jared would intercept the counter, back off a few meters, and the pattern would repeat.
The fourth time Jared attacked, Andy tried to rip his head off with a haymaker. The smaller goon dropped into a sweep. Andy held his stance, then cursed as the sweep changed fluidly to a kick and took one leg out completely. He swung at Jared with one arm as he went down, determined to land a clean hit on the bastard.
Jared slapped the fist aside.
Andy rolled back to his feet. "What the hell, Waddell?!"
Waddell dropped into a stance mirroring Andy's efforts to power up. "Andy… more like this." Ethereal crimson flames exploded from the goon. Mucha just barely maintained his footing as the energy pouring off Jared grew stronger and stronger with every passing second. His eyes turned red, then glowed with power. A nearby street light slowly bent over as Andy dug his feet down into asphalt to keep from being blown away.
He screamed taunts into the storm of energy. "Oooh... look at the little pervert! He's real angry! Oh! I better run and hide! Look at that cute widdle aura..."
That cute widdle aura grew darker and collapsed around Jared, twisting about and upon itself. Every window within a two block radius shattered and cracks spider-webbed out from his feet. His aura looked like a nest of vipers devouring one another until only the deadliest and most ruthless remained. When the glow sank into Jared's skin, smoke began to rise ominously from the goon. Face wreathed in shadow, his eyes burned like two coals of pure Hellfire.
Andy reached deep inside himself, and with every ounce of courage he possessed, ran away from the goon while screaming like a little girl. Two blocks passed in panic and a continuous high E before he bounced off of a hard wall that appeared in the middle of the sidewalk. Andy stopped screaming, found his feet, and shouted at the wall. "Hey, who put that-oh SHIT!"
The wall was actually Jared, hovering half a meter off the ground. He raised one hand and in the blink of an eye, a bolt of red lightning missed Andy by millimeters and melted an ATM to slag. Jared adjusted his aim. "You shall not escape..."
Mortal danger was the wind beneath Andy's wings. In the next heartbeat he was less than a meter tall, and unbearably cute. A cute aura flickered around him, deflecting red wisps of energy. "Behold, I am the King of Chibi! I cower before no man!"
Waddell raised an eyebrow, then shrugged. The aura exploded off of him like a bomb; Andy's own aura protecting him completely. The energy appeared to pass through the surrounding environment without harm. Jared, no longer hovering or featuring glowing red eyes as a new fashion accessory, brushed a hand through his messy locks. "Bored now."
The little Super Chibijin-Andy Posed and pointed at his chest. "Hey, I'm the King here! Don't forget I'm-"
Jared flickered across the half-dozen meters separating them and casually punted Andy through the second-floor window of the nearest building. He clapped his hands together to brush off any errant dust. "Well, that's done with, wonder if I should-" A trio of bullets cut off the rest of that sentence. The impact knocked Jared back a step. "Oh. A volunteer."
The red glow came back immediately, and his hair moved by something not at all like air currents. Then he was gone. A loud boom punctuated his exit, a trio of bullets ripping through the space he used to occupy. From above the four story building into which he'd kicked Andy, Jared descended like a meteor, body sheathed in a red aura, one foot aimed at the building like a rifle. His kick hit the roof like a cannonball, driven nearly half a meter into the roof before the building emitted an ear-splitting sound like a thousand tons of concrete shattering. Then every window and piece of tasteless facade on the top floor shattered into a hail of broken glass and gritty dust.
Jared appeared back on the sidewalk, glowing red eyes watching the building casually as the top floor collapsed and sprayed yet more debris out from the building to rain down around the street.
In another second, a tiny fist was waving to get his attention. "Idiot! Moron! Dunce! What did that building ever do to you?"
Waddell pulled something from his shirt pocket and tossed it at the tiny goon.
Andy plucked the things out of the air and gave them a glance. "Full metal jacketed 5.56 rounds?"
Red eyes looked down at the glowing, tiny, cute Andy. "More soldiers, I think."
Super Chibijin Andy's limbs blurred and he hovered a meter into the air to glare cutely at Waddell. "You didn't confirm your targets before killing them? What if civilians were on that floor?"
"Right now they would be just as dead as the soldiers."
"...You monster." Andy stated, still glaring.
"WADDELL!"
The voice came from a huge figure standing atop a nearby building, wreathed in a cloud dust, glaring down at the goons with two eyes that burned with unholy fire. Two hundred and four centimeters tall and as wide as a refrigerator. Covered from neck to toes in black body armor. Grey minigun clenched in fists the size of cured hams. A huge beard framed a face only a mother could love, and he was currently chomping on a cigar the size of a billy club.
Super Chibijin Andy had a cutely flat look on his face as he glanced at Jared. "You have all the luck."
Jared frowned.
The huge man pulled the trigger. Dust clouds were glaring at each other where the goons had been standing. A stream of bullets slaughtered the clouds, then walked across a dozen meters of pavement in pursuit of a tiny figure Tokyo shuffling down the road.
Waddell stepped out of a shadow behind the man, and was intercepted by a sleight figure in a tight urban camo uniform. A mask with a pair of bug-eye lenses covered much of the figure's face, but the mouth was pressed into a tight, angry line as it stabbed at Jared. The pervert grabbed the knife hand and threw a kick at the huge man, who dodged out of the way with surprising speed. The next move was to punch the slim figure, who blocked, forcing Jared to resort to grappling. A second later, the figure was sailing off of the roof.
The huge man lunged with his minigun, allowing the slim figure to grab one barrel and swing around it to land next to the man.
Jared was nowhere to be seen. Andy had shuffled out of view while the huge one was dodging. He shifted the cigar to the other side of his mouth, the movement somehow oozing anger, and growled. "FLASH! STOP THEM!"
Something left a sonic boom as it departed the roof.
Down the street and around several corners, Jared found a tiny Andy fuming cutely inside of a food cart. He parted the curtain enough to poke his head inside. "Hey, dude. We gonna murder each other or what?"
"You!" Andy shouted, pointing one paddle at the goon.
"Me."
"Don't start!"
"Freeze!" Said a sultry voice from outside. "Of course, to someone of my capability, you are always frozen. OHOHOHOHOHO!"
Ears bleeding, Jared sighed and removed his head from the cart. A woman stood casually next to him. She had short black hair, yellow eyes that appeared unnaturally large, and a large, firm bust. He gave the skin-tight uniform-unzipped to the woman's belly button-a glance. "Can you make this quick? I'm supposed to be killing people at random and being an asshole so Andy can feel better about himself."
"Fuck you!" Shouted the cart.
Jared raised one open hand, and fired an energy blast at the woman.
The ball of violence appeared to pass through the woman's torso while she smirked.
The entrance of the orphanage behind her exploded, spewing glass and bits of wood and blankets out onto the street. A cute widdle face peeked out of the cart and scowled at the pair. "What did that poor orphanage ever do to you?!"
Super Chibijin-Andy said the last half of his sentence to a pair of pneumatic chest accessories that spilled out of a skin-tight military uniform.
Jared scowled at nowhere in particular.
The woman Jared had been sort-of fighting squealed and exclaimed with delight. "KAWAII!"
"Unhand me, wench!" Andy struggled cutely in her grip.
"Dude, you need to... un-power up."
"Why!"
Jared turned around, squared his stance, took a deep centering breath, and fired a second ki blast into the orphanage. The concussive force of the explosion disintegrated any wall that wasn't load-bearing. Flames licked at the openings, casting a dull evil glow onto the asphalt.
Cutely shaking with rage, Andy finally popped from handy travel size, to inconveniently large.
The woman, eyes closed, tapped experimentally at the hard chest she was now snuggling up against. She opened her eyes, and took in the brain-searing flower print. "Uh… you're Andrew Mucha."
Andy's voice picked up the gravelly tones of restrained violence. Eyes locked on Jared. "Indeed."
In a flicker, the woman stood before Jared, putting the smaller goon between her and the Massive One. "I-"
"VILE MURDERER!"
Jared's eyes locked on the woman's, and whatever she already couldn't say over Andy's battlecry crawled back down her voice box. She shut her jaw, holding down a shiver.
"HAVE AT THEE!" Andy was flying through the air in a charge, his guard tight. His eyes literally blazed with fury, red ki flames leaking from deeply squinted eyelids.
Jared's counter was a single back-kick delivered with inhuman speed and force. He caught Andy completely unawares, square on the chin, launching the goon over the street in a high lazy arc to land squarely on the burning orphanage.
The woman gulped.
"FLASH!" A single syllable cut through the tableau like a broadsword through cake, and the woman was gone.
The pervert immediately dived behind a parked car. The whine and roar of a firing minigun hailed the arrival of a wall of projectiles. After a second of firing, the woman was crouched next to Jared, looking at him intently.
The minigun stopped.
Jared looked down at her open uniform, then at nowhere in particular. "The Flash. I get it." A ceiling tile bounced off of his head. "Ow."
"Your file didn't mention random psychotic behavior. You're a ninja-not a mass murderer."
"Funny thing about ninja-"
"I HAVE YOU."
Jared stopped gesturing as he spoke. "-They have trained your squad leader well. He's fucking quiet for some huge freakin' guy carrying a goddamn minigun."
"DO NOT EVEN THINK OF MOVING."
Waddell spent a moment watching the reflection of the fire in Flash's eyes. "If you want to win, you will have to team up with Mucha."
The Flash took a breath, and steeled herself. "Mucha's dead. You just killed him. His body is being dragged out of that inferno by my squadmate."
"No my dear, you and your friends are already dead." Jared made no move, didn't change his facial expression. Waited.
Flashed exchanged a look with the huge guy, then frowned at something coming from her earpiece. Finally, she returned her attention to Jared and opened her mouth to reply.
Then several things happened at once:
A male voice rang out from across the street, "Trap!"
A ball of energy rocketed out of the orphanage and flung away the car Waddell had been using as cover.
A ki shield flickered into being around the huge minigun guy, protecting him from the blast.
"Cheap shot bastard!" Andy yelled, pausing to beat some flames off of his shorts. His shirt was little more than a memory and some ashes, while his shoes were no worse for wear.
The ki shield vanished, and Jared grabbed the end of the minigun and swung the big guy through the air and into the ground where the car used to be. The man hit the asphalt so hard he bounced, and chunks of asphalt went flying into the air.
The man in camo froze in the middle of the street, eyes darting from one side to the other. A large knife was in each hand, in a guard position while he re-evaluated the situation.
Andy rotated his head, neck popping. "Killing women already? My, you have fallen."
"I've only done what you asked." Jared replied in a bored tone.
The huge soldier rolled to his feet, and took aim at Jared. Confusion clouded his expression, then he dropped the busted minigun and pulled a large assault rifle from somewhere and drew a bead on the goon.
"I told them they'd better team up with you," Jared added.
The huge man paused. "HE DID SOMETHING TO FLASH."
The thin man in camo nodded. "Ki adept. Very high level. Briefing wasn't worth shit."
"Briefing?" Jared scratched his ear. "You make it sound like this was planned out in advance and timed to coincide with the Jet Alone Mark II test. Surely, I must have misheard you."
Camo guy and minigun guy exchanged an uncomfortable look, like they had both bitten into the same rotten apple. Once the look was over, camo guy turned to Andy. "Well?"
Andy rushed right past the knife user to engage Jared in hand to hand. The Pervert met the Maniac blow for blow. The huge man gave a nod to the knife user, then moved to get a better angle on the lithe goon. The camo guy moved to check on the Flash, whose prone body was still slightly smoking. Jared moved to intercept camo guy, and got body-checked by Andy into a random parked car.
The huge guy fired most of a full magazine into the base of a nearby light pole, which began toppling.
Jared kicked his way free of the wreckage, fixed his eyes on Andy for a second, then side-stepped the light pole. Behind him, the sidewalk took the brunt of the impact.
"AN OPENING!" Andy screamed, charging at Waddell. There was not an opening, and Jared casually flipped the bigger goon into an architectural feature that looked sturdy enough to stop a dump truck.
Big guy opened up on Jared, emptying a full magazine at the glowering goon. Dust blew out from the center of Jared's mass, and by the time the gun ran empty, there was only a gray cloud of dust were the goon once stood.
Without pausing to even gasp in shock, the big man ejected the magazine. While snatching a fresh one from his vest, he spared a fraction of a second to verify that camo guy was getting Flash out of the immediate area, only to see Waddell engaging the knife expert.
"WADDELL!" The big man shouted, reloading the gun as fast as his hands would move.
"WADDELL!" Andy echoed from his place embedded in the wall.
Camo guy was too busy also try and distract Jared, and finally lost the short exchange went a kick sent him flying a dozen meters away. "Flash!"
Jared stomped on the woman's neck, then kicked a piece of debris towards the huge man.
Said huge man had finally cycled the action on his massive assault rifle, and merely chomped down even harder before firing at Jared-through the flying bit of debris.
Jared was no longer in the line of fire, but he was intercepting Andy with a suicide throw.
"Bastard!" The once-again airborne Andy screamed.
The huge man set his bead on Waddell, and pulled the trigger. He hit nothing but air, while Jared deftly caught Andy in a fireman's carry.
"Hey, bud."
"Put me-"
Jared swung Andy one direction while he dodged the other way around a huge knife.
"Waddell, I-"
Jared pushed Andy's face into the concrete as the huge guy opened up on them. Pinned between bullets and blades, he rolled to his feet to face the knife, which plunged into his chest with comical ease. His lip curled up for a moment before his entire body and clothes turned black and puffed into a cloud of dark, acrid smoke.
The camo-clad knife fighter pivoted to dive away from the cloud, but a pair of hands snaked out of somewhere to grab his head. With a loud cracking sound, the body was sent flying in the opposite direction.
The huge man opened fire, swearing up a storm.
Andy joined with a flurry of small ki blasts.
Between them, Jared made 'gun barrels' with his index fingers and pointed at the destruction down range. "Pew! Pew! Pew!"
Andy and the huge man stopped firing. Then both slowly turned to look at Jared.
"Pew! Pew…" Jared glanced from one furious glare to the other. "Was it something I-"
The Goon of Destruction and the massive military brute attacked at the same time. Waddell dodged both and flung Andy into the soldier. They went down in a tangle of limbs and the soldier came back up first with a pistol in one hand and a grenade in the other.
The Goon of Perversion was already there, pushing aside the gun with one hand and removing the pin from the grenade with the other. Andy fired ki blasts in random directions, one of them hitting the pair and sending Jared flying. The smaller goon rolled to stop in the middle of the street and instantly kicked himself to his feet, only to catch the grenade thrown at him and absently toss it over his shoulder where it exploded harmlessly behind a bread van.
The huge soldier got his feet carefully. His ruined cigar was spit out with a look of disgust. Then he considered the pistol in his hand, Waddell, and the pistol again. He slowly holstered the weapon, no longer taking his eyes off of the goon. "YOU'RE TOYING WITH US."
Andy was back on his feet in an instant, and looked positively murderous. He glared at Jared until the big soldier made his declaration, then began doing a couple of stretches.
"WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? DESTROY HIM."
"I'm going to have to fight him for real," Andy said solemnly.
The big man's glare shifted from Jared to Andy. "WHAT?"
"He wants a real fight. For real. This isn't about our power levels, or even about him being 'the bad guy' or whatever. He's lost his mind. Well, part of it. Now he's just exercising his true power because he's not holding back that part."
The big man finally blinked. "WHAT?"
"Andy's trying to tell you something about us that your briefing missed. John still lives with demons. Andy has his own demons fully chained up. But I… I don't have demons haunting me because I killed them all."
"THAT MAKES EVEN LESS SENSE THAN MUCHA."
Jared shrugged. "Bored now."
Andy aborted further stretches and fired a massive ki blast after massive ki blast at Waddell. The smaller goon dodged and weaved between the attacks, closing the distance with Andy in less than a second. The big man attacked Jared as soon as he neared striking distance of Andy. Instantly Jared shifted his assault from Andy to the soldier, and after a few blows, pushed him in front of one of Andy's attacks.
The Maniac stopped firing as the man went down under the flash of a small explosion. Jared promptly jumped on the man, slamming his feet down so hard the pavement rippled away from the impact site like the surface of a pond disturbed by a body getting thrown into the water. Andy glanced at Jared's feet, noting how they crushed the big soldier's neck. "Stop doing that!"
"Why?"
"Because I said so, foul murderer!"
Jared took a breath, and red ki began to radiate off of him. A second later the screaming started. Andy did likewise, and after a dozen seconds, the clouds of energy dissipated, and two new figures stood glaring at one another.
One was the meter-tall cuteness of Super Chibijin Andy, and the other looked a little like Jared in size and build. The hair was longer, however, and a cross-shaped scar had appeared on one cheek. More bizarre were the clothes eerily similar to the psycho sensei, with a simple katana resting in his belt.
Super Chibijin-Andy posed with his tiny paddle-hands on his hips. "Now, Waddell, we shall… what the heck?"
The Jared... thing smiled kindly at the cute widdle goon. "Good afternoon. You must be the diminished form of my comrade- cum-adversary, Andrew G-"
"Don't say it!"
"Oro? Say what? Andrew G-"
"RRRAAARRGH!" Super Chibijin-Andy rushed in for a leg sweep, then followed up with a hair of punches. The man lifted one leg to thwart the sweep, then put the tip of his sheath on Super Chibijin-Andy's forehead to keep the punches at bay. "Take your punishment like a man!" Super Chibijin-Andy howled.
"When it is my place to do so, I shall. I am a man of my word-"
"You've only promised to do terrible things to decent people!" Super Chibijin-Andy Tokyo Shuffled up to head height and flung a roundhouse kick at the scared Jared's head.
The man dodged by leaning back slightly. "Ah yes, small one. Surely you speak of the mask placed upon this mind to protect the future from ruin."
The little Andy dropped to the ground and stared at the man. "What are you smoking?!"
The Jared-ish thing sniffed the air curiously. "Oro? I smell nothing aflame."
Super Chibijin-Andy rushed Jared again, only to have the handle of the sword slam into his face, swatting him out of the air. In a series of ear-splitting crashes, a string of Super Chibijin-Andy-shaped holes appeared in a row of small buildings. The Jared thing eyed the holes, watched Super Chibijin-Andy stumbled to his little dazed feet, and shook his head. "I must make reparations at once for the property damage this altercation is causing."
"HAH!" Super Chibijin-Andy shouted, and disappeared in a cloud of dust.
The Jared-thing jumped back and used his sheathed sword to block a blow from the normal Andy.
The larger goon flipped through the air to land a few meters away from the Jared thing and cracked his knuckles. "Interesting. A sword and a sense of honor. What have you done now Waddell?!"
"Oro? I took my power to the maximum level I was able to achieve in my other form. This... current manifestation, including my mode of dress, seems to be an... unanticipated side effect."
"So... you're an honorable... Giri-jin?"
Super Girijin-Jared nodded. "If you insist."
Andy shrugged and started throwing ki blasts with such speed that he momentarily looked like he had twelve very blurry arms. A wave of ki attacked radiated out from him and converged on the girijin, only to be deflected by that damned sword.
Each blast left a crater the size of a breadbox. Thousands peppered the surrounding buildings, sidewalks, cars, and a helpless mailbox.
Andy grunted and swiped one hand from left to right. A beam of red ki swept across the street and through an apartment building, cutting through the structure like a hot knife through butter. The top two-thirds began to slide towards Super Girijin-Jared.
The transformed goon drew his sword again, and sliced the falling chunk of building in two. Both pieces slammed into the ground and shattered into several million pieces. The dust cloud rose five stories into the air.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAA! He must be dead! No one could survive that much dust!"
"Oro?"
Andy slapped his palm on his forehead. "Oh for fuck's sake... is he too dumb to die now? Well, time to finish this…" Andy powered up only slightly and suddenly found himself less than a meter tall. He looked down at his clothes, distressed. "I've really gotta figure out how to keep this from happening in a fight. I need..." He looked around. "...to power SIDEWAYS!" With a breath, he dropped the chibi form. The dust cloud in front of him began to dissipate as the chords from an old samurai flick reached his ears. "Speakers? NERV Orchestra on the surface level?"
Super Girijin-Jared's voice interrupted Andy's pondering. "Are you prepared to finish this farce?"
"I wish to be done with both you and this farce, Waddell! Change back right this instant so I can beat you up and feel good about it!"
"Oro?"
"QUIT SAYING THAT! And what's with the sword, anyway?! I thought you weren't going to use weapons in this fight!"
"My honored opponent, this is a reverse-bladed sword. I cannot cut or kill you with it, except by dramatically altering its use. Besides, I have cast aside the shackles of a murderer and vowed I will never kill again. This sword is proof of that pact."
"When... when did you kill anyone?"
"That... happened some years ago. I made a mistake then; one I will not make again. That is all you need to know."
"All right, then. Allow me to put an end to your suffering."
"So it shall be, Mucha, but know it is you who will know your end!"
The two began circling one another while the background music changed to a particular feature of the original Star Trek TV series.
Andy finally broke into a charge. "Die!"
Super Girijin-Jared did likewise. "After you!"
The dramatic music built to a climax as the two leapt into the air to meet one another, missing by a whole meter. Andy landed, frowned, then growled in anger as a long gash appeared in his shirt. "You... ASSHOLE! That was my favorite shirt!"
Super Girijin-Jared's clothes and sword poofed out of existence, leaving the normal goon standing on the sidewalk in his street clothes. His voice lost the cultured tones, and boiled with restrained violence. "I thought that shirt was destroyed in the orphanage fire."
Andy shrugged. "You got a sword when you powered up."
"Whatever. Are you ready to take your beating like a man?"
"Kaioken! DIE!" Andy flickered next to Jared, aura flaring. His fist missed the pervert by a few centimeters, and Jared caught the second punch in one open hand.
"Weak."
Andy tore his fist free and landed a few meters away.
Jared fired a ki blast at his face just before landing, knocking Andy from his feet.
Getting back up, chest smoking, "Bastard..."
Jared adopted some Badly Dubbed English. "Defeat...me you cannot."
Andy mimicked the Badly Dubbed English. "You earn no defeat...I will kill you now."
"Fish burger!"
"Elizabeth!"
The two exchanged an incredibly long string of convoluted kung-fu maneuvers, counters, dodges, and special attacks. Neither gained the upper hand after a minute, and they broke away to face each other and stare. For another minute they waited, watched, and tried to kill the other with a look. Finally both took to the air, dashing at one another, fists drawn back and promising violence. Then they met, hands flashing forward and through special symbols.
"Jan!" Jared's voice echoed Andy's. "Ken! Pon!"
Andy's rock defeated Jared's scissors. "Winna!"
Jared's eyes widened. "Crap!"
Andy socked Jared in the face.
The younger goon sailed through a pair of glass doors into a hotel lobby. After a few seconds, his voice rang out. "Time's up!" Jared dashed out of the hotel.
Andy broke out of his 'power up' stance to deflect Jared's punch with his own. An instant later, he was blocking the follow-up, then leaning aside the third blow. Jared's foot slammed into his shin, leaving an opening for Andy to ram a hammer fist strike into Jared's shoulder. The younger goon stumbled away and both fighters shook their injured body parts.
"Fool, have you learned nothing of my power?" Andy boasted.
"Power is useless without control, precision, and timing."
"Feh. What do you know?"
"You wanna know what I know?"
Andy fired a ki blast at Jared, trying to catch him off guard. Jared deflected the blast and fired back his own. The two quickly escalated the size of the blasts, leading to Jared making a tactical retreat to some cover while Andy's wild ki blasts tore up storefronts around the goon. After catching his breath for a moment, Jared returned fire with great precision, actually forcing Andy behind cover. Ki blasts flew back and forth across the ruin that used to be a street while flames licked at the various piles of debris.
JSSDF soldiers burst from the rubble, a dozen descending upon each goon. Jared dodged between the soldiers, taser darts and bullets missing him by impossibly small margins. He struck back with speed that was impossible to counter, slaying opponents with strikes that barely touched their armor. Andy took most of the assault straight to the chest and shrugged it off, slamming fists into heads. In a matter of seconds, the soldiers were cleared away like ants swept from a pair of boots.
Only another second passed before the goons fired at each other, dove for cover, and rose again. Each held two pistols that barked at one another, relentlessly spraying hot lead downrange and further destroying the landscape around them.
By sheer chance, they landed behind some sturdy wooden pews and spent a few seconds reloading. "Nice church," Andy commented, slamming the first magazine home.
"Beautiful. How come it's here in Tokyo-3?" Jared pondered, also slamming the first magazine home.
"I'm guessing Christians built it."
"Andy, let your words know that they still have to make sense after they leave your head."
Andy found the second magazine empty. With only enough bullets for one gun, he dropped the empty spare. "If you insist."
Jared also tossed aside an empty gun and magazine, one pistol still readied in his hand. "I insist."
Both rose, aiming across the rows of fine wooden furniture.
Unit-01 and 03 sprinted towards the advancing robot, the pounding of giant armored feet like rolling thunder. Shinji went high with a powerful flying kick that missed completely. Rei faked a punch, then ducked in with a running elbow. The Jet Alone whipped out an arm and clotheslined the passing Eva smoothly. Shinji leapt into the air immediately, launching himself at the robot.
From its prone position, Unit-03 grabbed one of the Jet Alone's arms, leaving Shinji an opening.
The bio-mecha hit the mecha like a plane crash, the force of the impact causing trees three kilometers away to sway and shudder. A visible shock wave rippled across the ground. Armored plates buckled and shattered, but the Jet Alone shrugged off Shinji. Rei rolled away as John came within range.
The goon closed the gap with the mad, mechanized, nuclear monstrosity, interrupting its lazy walk with a kick to the shin. He blocked desperately once he landed, forced back a dozen paces by a flurry of punches that are barely blocked. He ducked the final strike, catching the passing limb, and executed an Aikido throw. The robot flipped through the air and crashed into the ground. For a second, it looked blankly at Unit-05 and then the destroyed wrist of its own arm.
John sighed. "Crap. It doesn't feel pain."
The Jet Alone's free arm smashed into Unit-05's face, then the robot rolled easily to its feet.
"Misato!" John shouted into the comm.
"Yes Genoni?"
"What I am being paid to take this abuse?"
"I'll call the accounting department and get back to you. Fight on, soldier!"
John ignored the throbbing in his face and closed in on the Jet Alone again. "Fight! Fight! Fight! Win! Win! Win! Rah! Rah! Rah!" He watched Unit-01 deliver a string of kicks to the Jet Alone, then pull back without so much as scratching the armor. "I just wanna kill this thing... Rei! Shinji! Regroup for a coordinated attack!"
The two Evangelions pull back, leaving the Jet Alone to return to its stoic march towards Tokyo-3.
"GO GETTER!"
Shinji paused to glance at Unit-05 in surprise, but by then John was moving and he followed suit. All three Evas charged the robot shoulder-to-shoulder, fists drawn back to deliver simultaneous attacks.
The Jet Alone's counter pushed Unit-05 into 01, but misses 03, which hits one arm and spins the robot in a half-circle. The punching arm grabbed Unit-03, the free arm caught Shinji's kick, and the robot was momentarily undefended.
Unit-05 deftly moved around Unit-01, then began jabbing at the Jet Alone. As soon as the robot switched targets from Shinji to John, the Third Children pressed his advantage with a couple of well-placed side kicks. The robot dropped Unit-03, and the trio began to slowly beat the monster back into the valley.
Misato's voice rang out over the comm."Remaining Evas are inbound! ETA is twenty-one seconds!"
"Where are dumb and dumber?" John asked, helping Unit-01 stay out of the Jet Alone's grasp before delivering a kick in concert with the purple Eva.
"Those hooligans are shooting up a good portion of downtown right now. Can't devote resources to stopping right now."
"Bastards! I'm missing it! Oh yeah, tell them to get into their Evas and get out here!"
The Jet Alone took several quick steps backwards, smashing up someone's storage shed and turning a quad bike into a pile of parts in record time. Then each arm split in two, and where each hand used to be, a progressive knife blade slid into position.
"So much for screwing that one hand," Shinji muttered.
The four-armed Jet Alone dropped into a fighting stance, blades humming.
John sighed, resigned. "Fuck."
Jared sighed, and lowered his fists. Around him the ruins of buildings-principally one really cool church-smouldered in the aftermath of his and Andy's brief skirmish.
A few paces away, Andy swept from debris from his hair. Smoke rolled off of his bruised and dirty form. He watched Jared drop his guard and stare at Andy in surprise.
"That was... so COOL! How did you DO that, with the zing! Woo-pah! Bang! Pow!"
Andy could no longer contain himself. "And that thing you did with wham! Smack! Bang! Plunk! Zing!"
"And then the-"
"-yeah, yeah, and the-"
At the same time, "-that was AMAZING!"
Grins eating their faces, the two charged one another. Shockwaves were kicked up in the wake of their clash. They clashed again, a block away, then again, on top of a short building. In a matter of seconds, their skirmishes moved to the top of a moderately tall building; the tallest structure left now that the big buildings had retracted to their underground bunkers. From there they were a few kicks, one punch, and a good long leap to a copy of the original Tokyo Tower and-hey, where did they get those swords?
The pair landed on the observation deck and brandished their bladed weapons. Dark clouds swirled into threatening positions above, golden lightning arced down to the city here and there. Rose petals the color of blood flowed around the fighters, so thick the pair could barely see.
Jared started swinging his sword at the petals. "What... the... fuck?"
Andy did likewise. "The special effects... they've gone crazy! Help me stop this sani-I mean insanity!"
The rose petal storm slowly faded, leaving the platform, the goons, and their swords covered in little pieces of crimson. Oh, make that one goon.
"Jared? Hey, where are you?" Andy turned around three times, scanning the deck for Jared's presence.
An ethereal voice reached the huge goon. "Andy... I am... your mother..."
"Mom?"
"Andy... you must go to Tokyo-3."
Andy was less than amused. "...I'm in Tokyo-3, mom."
"Andy... now you must…"
The wind kicked up, ruffling Andy's shorts. "Must what?"
Jared descended from above, a flash of lightning glinting off of his sword. "DIE!"
Andy casually blocked. "Lame, dude. Very lame."
Jared hung in the air for several seconds, his sword crossed with Andy's. "Maybe, but I've always wanted to do that." He finally pulled his sword back and dropped lightly to the deck.
A speaker on the railing of the observation deck crackled, and a familiar voice filtered out. "Pilots Waddell, Mucha. Prepare for contact by Major Katsuragi.
"Vikki?" Andy raised an eyebrow.
Jared threw his sword at the speaker post, severing it just below the speaker. "That's enough of that!" Jared performed a backflip right off the platform.
Andy gave chase, finding Jared smirking at him as he fell, slapping his hands together.
"VACUUM BLADE FORCE ATTACK!"
"Shit!" Andy flung his sword to one side so that he could dodge the blade of nearly invisible force that ripped through the air, then into the tower behind him. He slapped his own hands together. "VACUUM BLADE FORCE ATTACK!"
Jared bounced off of the ground, barely dodging Andy's attack. A line of dust puffed up in a straight line from where Jared had touched down, along the street, and up the small bus station down the block. The pervert brought his hands together in a different plane. "VACUUM BLADE FORCE ATTACK!"
Andy stood his ground. "VACUUM BLADE FORCE ATTACK!"
The two attacks passed through each other without even slowing. Andy threw himself prone. Jared fired a wide ki-blast to the side to push his body out of the path of Andy's attack.
The bottom floor of the parking garage behind Andy collapsed with an ear-shattering kaboom and a burst of dust. The building behind Jared swayed a few centimeters. Jared's ki blast hit the Tokyo Tower replica, and half of the observation platform began to fall off, cut cleanly along the line where his first attack had hit. The pervert landed on top of someone's car, faced Andy, and Posed.
Andy got carefully to his feet, dusted off his arms. "What the fuck, dude?"
Jared cracked a smile. It was a far cry from his usual carefree grin, but at least he didn't look like a madman ready to murder his way through the whole city just because it was Tuesday. "Perhaps you need more dust."
Andy clenched his fists, smirked, and Posed as well. "Good idea, Waddell." He took a deep breath. "VACUUM BLADE FORCE ATTACK!"
Jared countered with the same, half of a building slid to the ground and for several moments their attack callouts were cloaked by the continuous clash of concrete and steel upon concrete and steel. Dust filled every street for dozens of blocks in every direction, and several square kilometers of the city were rendered treacherous fields of razor-sharp debris.
When the cacophony ground to a halt, Jared perched on the clean-cut end of a support column, standing only a meter above the nearby dust cloud. The barest hint of wind slowly twisted through the debris, and silence arrived like a very sneaky bomb.
Slowly, Jared's eyes swept across what he could see of the battlefield, ringing ears straining to hear an approaching attack.
Into this silence, the sudden scrape of concrete on concrete made him jump from his perch, aiming a glowing hand at the noise. He landed lightly a dozen meters away, energy buzzing and snapping between his fingers.
Silence returned to the battlefield. Jared slowly lowered his hand. "Calm down. You'll never see him coming if you're tense."
The wind did not answer him, and just barely touched the dust clouds covering the city-er, battlefield. The Pervert took several long breaths to settle his nerves, then gasped and dove from his perch.
A massive sword chopped through the air, and was followed by Andy screaming a battlecry. "WADDELL!"
A ball of energy rocketed from the clouds of dust, aiming squarely for Andy's chin. He smirked and moved to block, only to freeze as the ball missed him by a few centimeters.
Behind the massive warrior, Jared floated, holding a hand to the back of Andy's head. "Stalemate."
"Not really," Andy whispered, and the dust drew up as if a living thing.
A split-second later, the ki ball above the pair detonated, a shockwave pushing the dust away from the two and clearing the area around them.
Jared is everywhere. Literally. He stands on what's left of the street. He stalks between the rubble of cars and buildings. He's perched atop utility poles, standing on the remains of buildings. Perched on the twisted ends of steel beams and sitting seiza style on chunks of concrete walls. Balanced on a few fences that still stand. Idly watching from sidewalks and the middle of streets. Every pair of eyes watches Andy and… presumably Jared-prime? And every one of them is dressed in a cheap black suit.
Andy growls in annoyance. Behind him, Jared affects his best Agent Smith emotionless yet threatening tone. "Well, well, well. What do we have here?"
A Jared standing nearly at their height on a mostly-intact building answered in the same tone. "Me."
The Jared behind Andy replied, smiling coldly though Andy could not see him. "Me too. Me... me... me..."
To be Continued...
