My dear little broccolis 💚💚💚
💚 So remember that this pic is RATED M, and it is not only for the sexy times. Some dark moments will be approached in this story, and they can trigger some people. This is a fair warning to remind you that this story sets place in a dark world, which means it is bound to mountains dark themes.
Love, Mina 💚💚💚
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Chapter 46: Bonding Over Tears (3,0K)
💚So, in case you missed it, Kate referred to the time Ana forgave Christian for killing Lincoln. And sure, he was under an order, but Ana doesn't know that. So yes, Kate feels that it was a big deal for her to forgive this and that Christian is being a d-bag for holding the grudge.
💚Also, yes, I know that Theresa had never been mentioned by name, but she isn't such an important character, which is why I did not bother. And since we know since chapter one that Carla's maiden name is Wilks, I just figured that you would put two and two together. It wasn't really a riddle or anything.
💚Also, also I wonder if anyone picked up on the fact that Mia thinks that Christian is the one reluctant to make a commitment in his relationship?
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Christian's PoV
When Christian got to the Steele mansion, it was already the middle of the night, and the house was dark and silent. No matter how fast he had arranged for his transportation back to New York, this was the earliest he could arrive. Thankfully, he had already finished all he had to do back in Moscow and just needed to find a way to apologise to his Japanese counterpart to leave him without properly saying goodbye.
Silently, he made his way to Ana's room and crept inside, and he was barely surprised to hear her sob. She didn't take well her grandfather's death, Christian doubted that it would go any different with her grandmother's. After closing the door, he walked to her bed where Ana moved a little so she could see who just came into her bedroom.
When their eyes met, tears welled up in hers before she put back her head on her pillow, bringing her knees to her stomach as she sobbed, "if you came to break up with me, can you just postpone it? I can't deal with much more loss today."
Christian walked the few steps separating him from her bed, and knelt, removing the hair that stuck on her face as he looked at her with compassion. "Babe …" He started, before stopping himself, at a loss of words. She hiccuped, her sobs more violent, and so he said the only thing that came to mind in such situations, "I am so sorry."
As soon as the words left his mouth, she burst into uncontrollable weeps. Christian moved so he was laying against her, over the covers and holding her in his arms. It seemed that she was even more devastated than when her grandfather passed away a few months ago.
For the longest time, she silently cried in his arms, her tears intensifying, even more, every time it seemed that she had some control over them, and Christian simply held her in his arms, caressing her hair. He did not tell her anything, sure that words were not what she needed nor wanted at the moment; and little by little, the minutes turned into more than an hour of cries.
Finally, she calmed down, hiccuping a little, and Christian tightened a little his hold on her as his mind started to wonder if he would ever feel that sense of loss. He wondered if he would be devastated like her if he had been raised by Grace and Carrick, having the normal apple pie life. But then he quickly dismissed the thought, he knew that even before they bailed on him, he did not have any grandparents for him to mourn.
"You know," Ana's crooked voice suddenly said in a whisper. "The doctor said that she died of a broken heart. That she lost her will to live after Grandpa died."
Christian remained silent, not sure of what he could say that would appease the girl. Especially since he knew of one other person who had his heart broken after his spouse died. Her father, who only kept on living for his children. Ana snuggled against him and kept her tale,
"It's so sad. I mean, with Grandpa, we were expecting it. He hadn't been feeling well for months and his Parkinson had gotten worse. But Grams was in good health."
Her last words were barely understandable, mixing with a wail as new tears escaped from her eyes. Christian kissed her forehead, once again holding her close to him, and his whole body tensed when she said,
"I think I'm cursed." He tilted his head down, and though she did not look up to him, he calms rationalised her,
"People die all the time, Ana. Especially old people."
He saw her hesitate a little, before she sat up, making him do the same before he gently caressed her cheek. She kept her eyes down, and told him,
"You know, I don't remember much of Mom. I mean, I remember her laugh, and how Dad would always smile when he would see her. But … I don't remember her face. Even now, after Dad showed me pictures after you took me to that place in Ebisu, I don't remember her face. It's just a vague memory.
But what I do remember is our last moment together. I remember it so clearly. I was so hot and laying on my bed. I think I was sick. And Mom came to kiss me goodbye. I remember her red gown and her beautiful hair down. She looked like a princess. A princess without a face. And then, she kissed my hand and left a mark of red lipstick, telling me that by doing so, she was leaving a part of her with me.
Then, she left, telling me that she loved me, and I said it back. Those were the last words I told my Mom. That I loved her. And Mike. And Uncle Eic. And Grandpa. And now, Grams.
And I know I shouldn't complain because they left with my last words to them being words of love, not words of anger, but … It's like I'm seeking a reaper on the ones I love."
For a moment, Christian wasn't sure of what to say, because Ana was going towards a territory unknown to him. He was not a religious person, and even less a superstitious person. He could understand that some people were, but it wasn't him, or how he perceived the world. Ana was trying to lead him somewhere where reason had little to do with the order of things, and Christian knew he would never like such a place.
"Don't you tell your father that you love him?"
"It's different. Dad … Dad cannot die, he promised me."
Christian slightly frowned, a little bit surprised that Raymond would make such a promise to his daughter when he was playing with the Angel of Death on a daily basis. He knew that he would never make such a foolish promise to Ana because it didn't depend on him, he could be killed at any moment, and that was without taking into accounts the small accidents of life. When he had promised her that he would be back from Russia, it was because he mostly went to settle down some paperwork and make some alliances.
Still, he didn't linger on that, and cupped Ana's face, making sure she looked at him, when he told her, "There is no curse, Ana. Life is just a bitch, and sometimes we take it a little too personally."
She didn't argue about that, but he could see on her features that she was not convinced by his words. Still, he understood why she still did not tell him consciously that she loved him. If she believed that she was cursed, Christian doubted that she would risk saying the words when he was travelling across the world half the time.
And as this realisation came down to him, another followed, he didn't care for the words. Even if she hadn't said it in her sleep, he knew that she loved him. He could feel it. In the way she looked at him, in the way she touched him, in the way she cared about him. And if abstaining from saying the words was the way she felt safe, Christian was not going to push her against it. After all, what were words compared to actions and feelings?
With a small sigh, he moved Ana so she would be in his arms again, between his legs, and he hummed Tears In Heaven, rocking her back and forth. He felt a few warm tears on his forearms as he kept on singing of sorts, and when he was done, she looked up, her face puffy, her eyes red and swollen, and her nose bulgy. And no matter how grotesque she looked at this moment, Christian still thought that she was beautiful.
She sadly smiled, before leaning her head against his torso and hugging him as she said, "Thank you for being here."
"You know that I'll always be here for you, Ana."
He had expected her to nod, or to say something, but she remained silent, not even looking up, and breaking their embrace. So he lifted her head by the chin, forcing her to look at him, and he insisted,
"You do know that, right?"
Once again, she did not have the reaction he wanted, and simply shrugged, avoiding eye contact as she mumbled, "I don't know. You were so angry at me."
"I was," he conceded, and finally she looked up.
If his opinion was asked on the matter, Christian would have rather keep this conversation for another day and not talk about their spat on the same day Ana buried a loved one. But on the other hand, this conversation was long overdue, and he didn't like that their quarrel made Ana doubt his feelings or even his commitment for her.
"You have to understand, this is who I am. Betrayal is not something I can condone. Because of the way I work. Because of the way I survived in the streets. Because of who I am and how I am perceived in this world. Had someone else done what you did … I wouldn't have simply yelled at them and told them we would settle this later …"
Ana looked down, though Christian could not tell if it was because of embarrassment or because he was getting dangerously close to the invisible veil behind which was her father's criminal career.
"I'm sorry. I just wanted to give you your parents back, just like you did for me."
"I know, I get that," Christian calmly said because he knew she did not go behind his back for malicious reasons. "But I don't appreciate the way you did it, I told you before, and I'm telling you once again, don't go behind my back. If you want something, just tell me. I'm not a monster, I can be reasoned."
Of course, he kept for himself that she was one of the few people who could actually reason him. Maybe he was a monster to other people, after all.
"You would have refused to see them," Ana argued, sure of herself, making Christian wonder how she perceived him. Did she think of him as a person she could never be fully honest with, because he would never try to hear her out? Because it was anything but true. If anything, she was the only person in the world that could make him bend one way or another,
"You have no idea how much I'm willing to comply to simply put a smile on your face, babe."
She slightly blushed, looking down on her knees as she asked, "So? We're still together?"
"Yes." To be honest, the question should not even be in Christian's mind. They had a squabble, but it wasn't something that was breakup worthy. Of course, he knew that had Ana had demanded an answer the night of their fight, he would have broken up with her, just out of spite.
"And you're no longer mad at me?" She inquired, making Christian think about it. He knew that he was one to hold the grudge for as long as he would live, but in this case, the anger was simply gone,
"No."
"And you forgive me?"
"Do you promise to never do that kind of thing again?"
"I do!" She promptly said, making Christian smile and lovingly kiss her forehead.
A small silence grew between them as they embraced one another, that Ana broke by asking, "So if I invite your parents over, you will hear them out?"
Christian repressed a grimace. In all honesty, even if he knew what happened, he wasn't really eager to meet them. He didn't care much for them, because they belonged to his past. He had buried them, and he was not fond of talking to 'ghosts'.
"I would, but it wouldn't change a thing for me."
"But, Christian —"
"Ana …" Christian stopped himself, wondering how he could make her understand why he was not head over heels about meeting them. "Would you even consider ever leaving your child? In the care of total strangers, nonetheless?"
"No, of course, I wouldn't. But they did not have a choice."
"Of course they had a choice. There is always a choice, they just chose wrong."
He glanced down when she did not retort anything and saw that this topic was making her sad. Which he could not understand. They weren't her parents, and it wasn't her life, so, "Why do you care so much?"
"Because you can still have a Mom, and you're choosing not to. There is this luxury thrown your way, and you're turning your back on it. Your Mom was so sad at the restaurant. She was asking so many questions about you, about your life, about your hobbies, and you just refuse to be with her."
"You don't understand because you didn't live my life," Christian calmly said, stating the obvious. This was something they would never be in accord with because they had such different upbringings. For starters, Ana had one, when Christian had to make his own.
"I know. I know that you had a terrible life because of that decision your parents made so long ago. But … you don't understand either. You don't try to put yourself in anyone's shoes. Well, I do. I put myself in your mother's place, and it breaks my heart. I would be so devastated if I knew that my son wouldn't even want to speak to me. She's not asking for your fogginess, nor your blessing. She just wants to talk to her son. She wants the opportunity to at least once again, be a Mom to you. And you just deny her that simple thing."
When Ana finished her little speech, Christian didn't say a word as he let her words sink down. She was right, he rarely tried to put himself in the other's shoes and see things from their perspectives. Mostly because this was how he made himself an image. Trying to understand someone else was showing compassion, and, in his line of business, he would rather be feared than loved.
The only people he ever tried to see with their point-of-view were Ana and Mia. Ana for obvious reasons, and Mia because he felt that they had a rather similar start in life, with the only difference of her being a girl. Even with Jose, he never got the need see things his way because Jose was always rather raw the rare times he talked about his feelings.
"Not now," He finally gave in. "We will see and talk to them and whatever you want, but not now. I don't have the time or the patience to deal with them right now."
Ana's smile was reward enough, and she sat on her knees, taking his face in her delicate hands, "I truly am sorry to have handled things so poorly. I hope you can trust me again."
And that's when it hit him. That's when he understood what people said when they said that the heart overruled the brain sometimes. Though Ana had betrayed him, his trust wasn't shattered, not even chipped, he still trusted her. He knew that anyone else would have pulled that kind of thing on him, he would never trust them again.
"I trust you," He reassured her, and she paused a little, apparently taking his hesitation as proof of the contrary. He smiled, and clarified,
"Sure, I wouldn't put my life in your hands, but I trust you more than you know. You have no idea of what you mean to me."
And as he said those words, he kissed her with love. They shared an intense and passionate kiss, before Ana laid back, putting her head on Christian's chest, and forcing him to do the same, and she asked him, "Can you stay with me the whole night? Please?"
Christian didn't say a word, but removed his shoes and held her against him, though he barely slept that night, not really eager of Raymond finding about them by catching him in his daughter's bed.
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‼️PLEASE DON'T BE A SILENT READER AND LEAVE A REVIEW
IT REALLY DOES HELP‼️
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💚Your thoughts and opinions are always welcomed💚
💚So I was curious, I have been experiencing first hand this whole 'one spouse dies of a broken heart when the other is already dead' a few times, and I was wondering if any of you witnessed that in their family, or friends as well?
💚And I know you wanted crazy makeup sex, but … the girl buried her grandma hours ago… I mean, who feels like being all sex when you're still grieving? But that doesn't mean you won't have sexy time anymore … 😏(you pervs, haha)
💚And before you start jumping at my throat, Christian told Ana that he wouldn't put his life between her hands because he is a criminal, and Ana is a civilian. So if he has to rely on someone for backup, it will be at least someone who can hold a gun…
~ Anyway, question time:
💚 So what do you think of Ana?
💚 How about the convo between her and Christian?
💚What did you think of this chapter overall? And what do you think will happen next?
💚What was your favourite part?
Anyway, E L James owns the names of the characters from the Fifty Shades franchise, everything else is mine.
Love, Mina💚💚💚
