Author's note: CW: this chapter contains a descriptive episode of a PTSD flashback. Please note that none of the stories I write ever describe, or even mention sexual violence in any way. Any adult-themed things are enthusiastically consensual.
Also, excuse the general reply to folks' comments, but: heya! Thanks for reading this stuff. I hope wherever you are, you're keeping safe and being kind to yourself. Don't look to this fanfic stuff for medical advice, but if you notice any symptoms in any of these chapters that line up with you and you're worried, see a doctor if you haven't already. Help is available, and you deserve it!
The months trickled by without any hint of progress for Celebrían in therapy. Still stuck in the first phase of treatment, she struggled recounting her trauma the tenth time as much as she had the first, and there was no hint of being desensitised at all. By the twentieth, there was still no difference, and I was left baffled.
Alongside the prolonged exposure therapy, I had tried to weave in a few other techniques to help her manage the stress she was feeling at any given moment, like breathing and muscle relaxation exercises. Even then, there was no hint of improvement. Nothing she did was enjoyable; nothing offered any relief from her symptoms. She gave the impression of being perpetually imprisoned in her trauma.
If anything, things seemed to be getting worse. She ate even less than the already pitiful amount she consumed, and her diet was fast becoming 100% lembas based. It's hard to describe how frightening a wasting Elf looks. Humans are worrying enough to watch in those conditions, but ageing does inevitably take a toll on their appearance of vitality. Elves are in a consistent state of hale and heartiness from birth until their eternal adulthood and are totally immune to diseases. They're almost impossible to imagine any other way, and to see them unwell is a jarring experience indeed.
Things came to a head about eleven months into treatment, at which point I had tried almost every technique I could think of without any results whatsoever. After another session that had left Celebrían exhausted, I suggested that we take a short walk through the corridors and count the stained glass windows, both as a means of distraction and also to get her out of that study, where she seemed to spend most of her waking hours. She agreed, and we set off.
"It's amazing how much you discover when you're actually looking out for it," I said to her as we stopped and examined our tenth window, an intricate, dazzling lead light depicting Manwë and Varda in all their semi-deific glory.
"I made this one," Celebrían said with a vague gesture at it.
"Wow," I breathed. "It's stunning. Must have taken an age to make."
"Oh, only five, six weeks," she replied with a shrug.
I smiled to myself as I thought about the stained glass window I had hanging in my apartment back in London: a leadlight portraying the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
"What are you thinking of?" Celebrían asked, noticing my silly grin.
I told her about the stained glass window I used to own, and a brief mention of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (taking care to omit the word 'monster').
"You mean you and your people would worship food?" Celebrían raised an eyebrow and had she had the capacity for it, she would have roared laughing.
I glanced from side to side. I personally didn't worship it, but I sure as hell got a kick out of a bowl of pasta being iconised. "In a manner of speaking, yes," I murmured, feeling slightly nervous that I was the only person in an entire population who had possessed such a thing. Celebrían shook her head a little and pat me on the shoulder absent-mindedly before we moved on.
As we turned the corner, we saw one of the gardeners walking toward us with a rather large potted tree- a cedar sapling that was found in the regions south of Imladris that was probably ready to be put outside.
And just like that, catching sight of the tree, Celebrían's composure totally dissolved. She let out a piercing scream that could probably have been heard from Valinor and crumpled onto the floor, shielding her head as she curled her thin frame into a tight ball. Her body shook as loud, inconsolable sobs came out. Doors in the hallway started flying open as people burst out to find the source of the noise.
"Celebrían," I said clearly as I dropped to my knees beside her. I held up a hand to ask the onlookers to go about their business.
"Celebrían," I said again evenly when there was a break in her wailing. "It's Rhodri, Celebrían. You're in Imladris and having a flashback right now."
And then, the strangest thing started to happen. Her normal voice, full of the warmth and vigour she had before, started to speak, calm but imperative.
"No," she said. "Stay. Please."
Was… was she talking to me? I frowned in confusion. "I'm right here, Celebrían." I reassured her. "I won't leave your side."
Her howling resumed, more tortured than ever. Her fingers dug into her forehead so hard I had to move them away gently before she broke the skin open.
"Celebrían, I need to hold your hands so you don't hurt yourself. You are safe right now. You are having a flashback," I repeated. "You saw a tree and it set off a reaction. You are in Imladris with Rhodri."
I was alerted by the sound of hurried footsteps and looked up to see Elrond running as fast as he could toward us. Concerned that his display of alarm might further upset Celebrían, I held up a hand and gestured for him to slow down.
"Gently, meldir," I whispered when he dropped the pace to a walk and approached me. "You must be calm and even-tempered. She is reliving a traumatic memory, and needs quiet reassurance."
Elrond's terrified face was forced into some sort of equanimity as he bent down beside me.
"Celebrían?" he said in a hushed voice. He leaned in further and repeated her name until she looked up, tear-stained and quivering. I let go of her hands now that I was sure she wouldn't scratch her face off.
"Elrond," she murmured, holding out a hand which he quickly took. He looked at her tenderly and I had every reason to believe I could hear his heart breaking in the silence that followed.
"Might be time for a rest, Celebrían," I said with a small smile. "It's starting to get late now."
Celebrían and Elrond both nodded. Elrond scooped Celebrían up in his arms, and together we walked back to her study, where I retrieved her file and, saying goodnight, went to my office and shut the door.
Locking her file up, I sat at my desk and drummed my fingers on it as I considered the situation at hand. Her treatment was not having even the slightest effect- not emotionally, behaviourally, or even thought patterns. Not a thing had changed since she first woke up, and I had no idea what to do about it. I had never had a client who had nonstop symptoms of post-traumatic stress for almost a whole year. How was this even possible?
I stood up and started looking through my books on the shelf, none of which were very useful at this sort of thing. There was usually something relevant and of interest to be found in something there, but this time, instead of a repository of knowledge, all I could see were stacks of paper. There was something not quite right about this situation.
Unfortunately, though, I had nobody to speak with. Whom would I tell?
I scuffed my foot against the rug and plunged my hands into my pockets. The entire thing was most odd. Had I missed something? Was her case so severe that symptoms might not even start to remit for centuries? That would have been disastrous. We hadn't even gotten to the most unsteady times yet. She would be seeing and hearing about a lot more triggers than now, and they would be far more frightening than a potted tree in the corridor.
My contemplations kept me in my office until late into the night, long after everyone had gone to bed. In need of a change but still not ready for bed, I locked up my office and made for the observation deck.
There was no need for a lamp up there; the unobscured moon and stars glowed radiantly, bathing everything in a silvery light. I watched my breath condense in the chilly winter air, trying and failing to blow fog rings like Olórin had.
I flicked a small stone off the deck, for the first time feeling resentment. A Maia sent to Middle-Earth to provide assistance for mental issues? Who then can't even marginally improve a case of post-traumatic stress? What kind of Mickey mouse establishment was behind all of this, anyway?
"This really is terribly cruel of you, you know," I murmured coolly in Valarin. Originally, I had meant for it to simply be a cathartic siphoning of thoughts, but by the end of the sentence, I was beseeching my would-be Vala, Irmo. "She shouldn't suffer like this." I shook my head as Celebrían's terrified screams echoed in my ears.
"Have compassion, Irmo," I implored, standing up and staring intently at the sky. "I've exhausted every option I can think of now. It's been months. You fought Tulkas tooth and nail to convince him to let you tutor me. Now's the time, I need your mentoring. I need new tools. Help me out here."
The sky didn't rumble and have a majestic being materialise in the clouds. There was no voice in my head. Hell, not even a butterfly landed on my shoulder. The night was as still and quiet as ever, my exhaled mist dissipating before my eyes. I sighed in resignation and leaned against the balustrade, feeling totally helpless as I racked my brains for the hundredth time for any diagnostic hint I might have missed.
"I thought you might be here," came a low, mellifluous voice from behind me. I got such a shock as I was jerked out of my thoughts that I jumped a foot in the air.
"Glorfindel," I squeaked, clutching my chest as I automatically tottered over to him, putting my hands on his waist. "What are you doing still awake?"
An amused smile crept over his features. "I might ask the same of you."
I shrugged. "Ah, couldn't settle down enough to turn in for the night."
"I can believe that," he said with an understanding nod. "Elrond told me what happened with Celebrían this afternoon. Are you well?"
"Well enough, I think," I replied.
"Come, then," Glorfindel said as he steered me to the middle of the deck and sat us both down. He produced a hand from behind his back, revealing a plate of grapes. "Let's throw and catch these in our mouths for a while."
I smiled and leaned back on him. "You're excellent, you know," I murmured as I picked a grape and chucked it in the air. He craned his neck, snapped the grape up in his mouth and grinned down at me.
"And what of you, then?" I continued. "How have you been today?"
"Ah, it's been rather quiet," Glorfindel admitted, "especially during these last few hours, what with Elrond having to suddenly depart the way he did."
We both heaved a small sigh and turned our attention back to the grapes, the acrobatic eating of which kept us quietly entertained for a solid hour.
"Rhodri?" Glorfindel said, breaking the comfortable silence. He lay back so his head was in my lap.
"Mmm?" I looked down and tucked an errant strand of hair behind his ear.
"Tell me how much you love me." He gave me a winsome smile, and his eyes shone brightly in the moonlight.
"Oh, hmm," I said, thinking carefully. I put a hand on his chest and pat it. "Goodness, that's a hard question to answer. I don't think I have the words to describe it, really. It's too big to conceptualise."
His smile broadened. "Try anyway?"
I chuckled a little. "Anything for you," I answered. "Now, let's see if I can't make this a little more quantifiable… hmm…"
He watched me carefully, waiting for my answer.
"Ah," I said as I had a thought. "Let us assume that love in our personal context is a combination of affection, attraction, and also intellectual appreciation. Given this and knowing that affection and attraction arise in the mind and brain, I love you to the full extent of which my mind and brain are capable, and so therefore, the maximum possible amount." I nodded confidently.
"You forgot fëar in your assumption," Glorfindel chimed in, laughing as a happy blush crept over his face.
I frowned. "I thought I said the mind. Did I leave that out?"
Glorfindel cocked his head in confusion. "You did, but you left out fëar."
"Are they not essentially the same for that purpose? I always looked at the fëa as a representation of our inner self."
"Well, yes, the fëa is an inner self, but it is not the same as the mind. The fëa is the soul. The soul is the inner self."
"Do… do you mean there is a separate system at play here?" I asked in surprise. "I've always divided it into body, brain, and mind."
"We consider it to be body, mind- for thoughts and opinions, and soul, for feelings and personality and the self. Occasionally also heart, but that is a subset of the mind, really," Glorfindel explained.
My eyes widened and I glanced up at the night sky for a moment. Had I just been given the sign I was pestering my superior for?
"Rhodri?" asked Glorfindel, sitting up a little. "Are you all right?"
"Ah... yes," I replied vaguely before covering my mouth with my hand as I thought through this quickly. Perhaps Celebrían had shown no signs of progress because I had been trying to fix the wrong thing. My therapy had all been for the mind, but what if her mind wasn't what was injured?
I let out a gasp as my mind turned back to her scepticism at the treatments, her admission that she was still injured…
"My god, it's her fëa…" I whispered to myself as I shook my head in horror. The symptoms were so similar, but she didn't have post-traumatic stress disorder at all, because that was a brain/mind issue. Her soul, on the other hand, was in deep trouble. I was completely out of my depth here, and had been making her suffer terribly in putting her through therapy.
"Rhodri?" Glorfindel looked alarmed now. "What is it?"
I shook my head. "I'm sorry, I can't tell you yet. I need to speak to Celebrían as soon as possible." Completely blindsided, I drew Glorfindel up and pulled him into my lap, hugging him like he was a teddy bear.
"But just so you know," I added numbly as I rocked him, "I've extended the assumption to include the fëa, and I love you with all of that, too."
He held my hands and murmured, "I love you the maximum amount, too."
The morning came at a snail's pace, my stomach churning all the while as I thought about having to speak to Celebrían. Thankfully, both she and Elrond were early birds, so even though the wait felt like years, it was a few hours at best.
At around seven o'clock, when I was sure they'd eaten, I'd left Glorfindel on the observation deck and stood in the doorway to her study. The door was open, and Celebrían sat in the same chair, but all the curtains now drawn. I gingerly knocked on the jamb. She looked up, saw me, and beckoned me in with a vacant expression, her eyes fixed on the now obscured window.
"Hello, Rhodri," she murmured. I tried to greet her back, but the words never came. A hello seemed too… optimistic at this point.
"It's not your mind at all, is it, Celebrían?" I said to her in a hushed tone.
She looked over at me and with a very weak smile, shook her head.
"Ah, you worked it out," she said with a smile. "No, it is not my mind."
"Why did you make yourself suffer so much?" I whispered, my throat closing up.
"Because you and Elrond were both so hopeful that something good might come of it. I could not bear to disappoint you."
"Oh, Celebrían," I breathed. "I'm so sorry. If- if I'd known sooner-"
"Ah, Rhodri," she said quietly. "Please don't be sorry. It was my choice. But…" her voice trailed off. I knew what she was thinking.
"I can't do anything for this, can I?" I choked, my eyes filling up with tears.
She shook her head gently. "No, I'm afraid not," she said simply. "At this point, I think the only healing to be had will be found in Valinor."
The words hit me like a freight train, leaving me totally speechless. I looked down at my knees in the foolish attempt to make my tearfulness a little less obvious, but looked back up when I felt her hand touch my shoulder.
"I must ask a favour of you, Rhodri."
"Name it," I said quickly as I swallowed forcefully.
"I need you to tell the others for me. It… it is too much for me to bear, I think."
My insides turned to ice, but I nodded automatically. "Of course I will," I said reflexively, climbing to my feet. Celebrían tapped my arm, and when I looked over, I saw her beckon me to her. I leaned down and wrapped my arms around her gently, terrified I would break her into a million pieces. Her arms draped around my shoulders as she hugged back weakly.
"I'm so sorry, darling," I whispered as I pat her back.
The embrace broke, and she squeezed my arms gently. I took a deep breath, nodded and went next door to Elrond's study, knocking on the door.
A voice from within invited me to enter, and I stepped inside. Elrond was bent over his desk, writing away. He put his pen down and turned around, looking concerned when he saw me.
"Rhodri? Goodness, you look like you've been- what is it? Is it Celebrían?" He stood up quickly, ready to dash out to her.
"It is," I said quietly, holding up a hand to halt him, "but she is fine right now. I need to speak with you about her, Elrond. Do you have a moment?"
Still worried, he nodded quickly and with a gesture, bade me to sit down with him.
"Celebrían isn't having any benefit from my therapy," I began slowly as I perched myself on a chair across from him. "Not that you need me to tell you that; I'm sure you've noticed it yourself."
Elrond broke into a sweat and started to panic, eyes wide and breathing rapidly through his mouth.
"Elrond," I said quietly, waving a little to get his attention. "Look at me."
He glanced up at me, beads of perspiration falling off his face now.
"She is going to die," he whispered, his knuckles white as he balled his hands up into fists.
"No, Elrond, she isn't," I said calmly, shaking my head. "Not right now. But it is her fëa which has been injured, not her mind, and I cannot treat that. I do not think there is anything we possess here that will improve her condition, and so far as I can tell, we have tried everything that is at our disposal."
"What will happen to her, then?" he gasped anxiously.
"She will go on suffering like this for as long as she is in Middle-Earth, I imagine," I replied sadly. "I noticed that when she gets exposed to any of these stressors, she expends great effort in keeping her fëa tethered to her body, so I do not know if she will weather future shocks as well as she has these."
"Then… she has to sail west?" he asked, his voice not quite steady.
"I think so, mate." I nodded regretfully, almost feeling like I wasn't present in the situation. It was all too bizarre, too unspeakably awful to be real. And yet, here it was, screwing shit up everywhere.
Elrond put his head in his hands and sat still for a while.
"Would you like me to speak with the nippers and her parents about it?" I asked when his face, now blotchy and wet, resurfaced.
He shook his head, taking the (clean) handkerchief I now offered him and drying his eyes and nose with it. "No thank you, Rhodri, I- I think I had better tell them myself," he answered thickly. After a moment, he stood up. "I'll go to her now."
I nodded, got up as well, and made for the door with him. In the hall, he turned right and I turned left, desperate to get as far away from their shared sorrow as I could.
At a guess, Glorfindel was taking breakfast now, and so I made my way to the dining hall where, sure enough, he sat quietly and chewed on a slice of bread. He looked up and saw me coming over to him, upon which he abandoned his plate and beetled over to me.
"How did it go? Is everything all right?" he asked, watching my face carefully.
"Yes and no," I said gently. "Let's go and sit somewhere quiet for a minute so I can fill you in."
He nodded quickly, and we headed back to the observation deck, which was always deserted at this time of the day, and possibly the most secluded part of Elrond's house. We sat down and I pulled Glorfindel close to me as I explained what had happened this morning.
"Oh," he said softly, covering his mouth with his hand. He looked around at me, his eyes filling with tears. "This is terrible."
"I know," I whispered, nodding sorrowfully as I stroked his hair. "We'd better leave them for today, let them grieve."
"What should we do?" Glorfindel murmured as he dried his eyes.
"Let's not go anywhere too far away in case they need us," I said pensively, "but we need to do something to comfort ourselves. How about we head to your study and I'll serenade you, hm?"
He smiled weakly and nodded. With that, we slowly got up and made our way downstairs to let my guitar do the talking for a while.
