Kurama's POV:
To say that Hana was furious upon waking up is an understatement. She still was not feeling well, thoughts swarming wildly in those wide eyes. She felt trapped, controlled, backed into a corner for everyone to see, however I understood her. In all honesty, as dangerous as the thought was, I truly believed she could not feel her life slipping away, that's how invested she was.
I had to back down and give her space, especially with a week of work ahead and planning for the annual summer office party. She did not want to see me either, going from hot and cold, to freezing all in one day.
Hiei also backed away, retreating after he alone submitted his memories and thoughts to her, perhaps he too wanted some time for himself. Kazuma wanted to remain at the temple, Hana in the end leaving with Keiko and Yusuke. When he called to provide me an update on Tuesday evening I honestly thought I would be sick. In just a few words Yusuke was afraid, angry and generally confused.
It was not that as if I did not believe him, I could not. Not until I made my way to the clinic Minoru Kamiya had opened. It was late, after closing ours, inside just him, Hana and Yusuke. Hearing her muffled screams broke something inside me.
Logically speaking she was doing exactly what needed to be done. Hana saw her own weakness, realised that pain inhibited her, clouded that hectic mind of hers more, thus not allowing her to use the healing abilities.
But this? This was her torturing herself. Yusuke was there to ensure nothing would go wrong, however all the power was in hers and Kamiya's hands and if one of the aforementioned failed then Yusuke with all his demon and spirit energy would be rendered useless. How she managed to convince them to partake in such savagery was beyond me, yet there they were, Yusuke watching, Kamiya cutting, Hana healing. I knew the events in Demon World took a toll on her, if not for Hiei, she wouldn't be alive.
And so every night she would push herself a bit more while Yusuke would curse and yell, all spiralling so fast and out of control that I did not even realize when Friday night came. Getting dressed for the office event felt false, a lot more than other tasks that required me smiling when I did not mean it. Between the days that went away and the weekend calling upon a new relocation in Mushyori city, I honestly least expected her on Friday night.
"What are you?" surprise became the very essence of my body as I could not even finish the question, words refusing to leave my tongue. Breath hitched in my chest, burning through me as my eyes could not leave her form. I have never seen her in a formal attire, the satin of her dress hugging her curves, tightening around her body in all the best damn right places. The makeup on her face subtle, made to draw attention to her deep eyes, rosy cheeks when a smile hit her face. The only spot of a true rich color was applied to her lips, a dark crimson drawing out desires from deep within my core. Braids created a loose bun on her head, shoulders bare in that strapless dress.
"I always keep my promises, Shuichi." The pause between her words and that name stung. What was this form of torture? Clearing my throat to buy some time, we both remained lodged in the same place. My body itched to close the distance, reclaiming her. Hana should have been mine, not on the opposite side of the camp as she was now.
"Make me understand please." Her head tilted slightly as I spoke, the light bouncing off whatever was applied on her cheeks "We are no longer friends." Shaking her head she confirmed it "We are most definitely not lovers anymore." Sadness hit her eyes with that subtle second head shake, my muscles tensing under the suit I was wearing "Then how come you decided to honour your promise?"
She took two steps, her eyes shifting from my face to my body, she was analysing me "A man like you looks good in such events with a woman by his side." A small hesitation came from her however she still gently took me by the arm urging me to walk but I could not budge "Besides, even if I am mad at you and everything happening, the love I feel for you can't be so easily replaced."
Lowering my face, I could barely contain the shame felt. Why? I knew there was absolutely no chance to get her back, not with all that was happening. Everything about her spoke those words to me. Why are you now saying you love me? How could you even?
"Hana" I barely pronounced her name in an attempt to pull myself back from inside my head and her attention to me "Please do not say such things just to cause more pain." With unexpected grace, she let me go stepping in front of me, close to my face, too close to not have a thousand more thoughts spring to life.
"Do you actually think I want to hurt you?" her glossy eyes spoke of more pain rising from within her, one I was responsible for, a pain she tried to set aside just to be present here "If you want me to go, tell me and I will turn and leave right now." I have never liked her ultimatums, this black and white form of thinking. But then again who even has time for grey areas anymore?
Turning my face to the side slightly since she was taller with those heals I focused on my next answer probably harder than I should have "No, I do not want you to go." I have not realised how I was not breathing properly until I needed to take a deep breath. My body was so tense some muscles were starting to hurt. Her on the other hand was still too close, all I needed to do was wrap my arms around her and she would be mine. All I needed to do was lean in a bit and claim her lips.
Glancing at her she waited to catch my eye "Then don't push me away please." Her hands reached the buttons on my suit undoing all of them with practised precision. The palm of her hands rested on my chest, heart ready to burst out of my rib cage. I did not have the power to stop her. I could not even dream of denying her and myself what happened next.
This woman who shunned her emotions on any given day was now in front of me, soul bare, easily falling apart, already broken by me and events that followed. However, just for a night, the focus shifted, us becoming the only important ones.
Her lips brushed mine in a tender kiss, too short to even realise when she managed to get the upper hand. A small distance was created, enough to see questions swimming in her gaze, enough to make me want more, a lot more. But I bit back the desire, suppressed it until I could have sworn it hurt. I do not know what she saw, but she pulled me closer for a second kiss, fingers tangling in my hair as a soft moan escaped her sweet lips when I decided I would take her breath away with my own two lips and tongue.
Deep inside my structure a trepidation began. Almost insignificant at first, barely noticeable. But as my tongue tasted hers, those bursts of feelings began to nudge at my soul. My arms held her so close I was afraid I would break her apart with my force, my soul breaking at the seams. Her breasts pressing against my chest made me want to just take her, turn around, go home and tear that dress off her with my teeth. But the pain hit me again, the raw emotions behind out display, past the tremble in our bodies. Stripping desire apart, the hurt shinned through, blinding all other senses, making us pull away from one another.
Touching my lips I was surprised we were both not a mess of smudge lipstick. Licking her lips her hands opened a small compact mirror taken out of her clutch bag. Her eyes were analysing the makeup, but the red rims forming around them made me wish I would have pushed her away. But wouldn't the outcome have been the same?
"Are you ready now?" thoughts shifted once more in my head as something dangerous lurked in Hana's eyes. Confidence cascaded off her and I could not understand where this was all coming from. Offering her my arm she gracefully took it, back held straight, chin up. Hana is not a confident girl when out of her element…unless she actually planned for all of this to happen. For me to break composure like this.
"How?" her brows lifted but she did not ask for any clarification for my question. High heels clicked on the pavement with every step taken but none of us made any inclination to stop and order a taxi to our destination.
"You care about me yes?" her eyes travelled to me awaiting for the confirmation to her question, answer she knew all too well. Placing my free hand over hears we continued our slow walk.
"You are well aware that I do." There was absolutely no reason to not tell her. Nodding her head reconfirmed her suspicions? Perhaps. She was fading from my grasp, shifting in ways she always does, making me question all that I knew about her behaviour.
"Are you ever going to hurt me again?" these questions directed without even a second thought felt like daggers digging deeper and deeper in my heart. Looking forward I decided my next answer was the best option.
"More than likely yes." Her pace did not waver and neither did mine, however I was fearing this night might be the last night I would get to see Hana. My heartbeat echoed in my ears like war drums threatening to cast out all other sounds. However when she spoke once more it rang so clear in my mind that an involuntary twitch made me tense.
"Good answer, at least you're not lying to me you bastard." Glancing my way "Or should I say bastards?" the look provided from my part told her not to push it further, to leave it to the fact that I accepted one ill intent and I would not be so kind when the next one would be directed my way. Yet something inside me laughed, an outrageous annoying loud laugh and that was when I was certain the side I have tried to leave behind, the me from the past took a liking towards her as well. How could I not? Hana just smiled, light hitting her eyes and for a second I wondered if Yoko managed to show himself if only for a fraction in some way.
"Is this part of your misfit program?" my hands let her go as I twirled her just so I could get a better look at her. A radiant smile greeted me once the pirouette was complete and I begged inside my head that this was not just a game she was playing, that I had not fallen into a permanent prank loop with her. Slapping my arm in a playful manner I felt like she would make me swoon at any given moment if she continued to watch me in that manner.
"No, no ill intentions here. If you need to name it then you can call it your shape up regime."
My heart took a tumble, jumping in my throat like a scared mouse. Hope, such a sinking feeling. Placing my hands in my pockets I tried my best not give away any animosity, but my chest hurt from the pounding, my vocal cords did not work properly as I felt a painful lump in my throat. She's playing, she's not giving me another chance.
"Do not toy with me."
Her smile remained stuck to her lips, a little too forced as her eyes widened. One second, two seconds and her chest expanded, hands trying to look relaxed next to her however I knew she was ready to let out her anger.
"Look" her speech was strained "don't." I blinked in confusion. Don't what? She must have seen it as all her attention was on me "Just don't."
"Don't what Hana?" it was driving us both insane, this annoyance tainting our judgement, creating scenarios that more than likely were not going to happen, were not even there, real. A heavy sigh broke out as she shook her head.
"How can you be so brilliant and yet so…so…" her hands clenched to fists as she tried her best to not call me stupid to my face but I honestly had the impression she wanted to strangle me with her bare hands if she could.
"Stupid?" her eyes flickered away from me as she stared down the empty street "I know I am. No smart man would have made the mistakes I did. No brilliant man would have hurt you." I wanted to do anything to ease the tightness growing wildly in my chest, suffocating but not ending me "Only a fool would dare let you go."
"That's unnecessarily cheesy." Yet she sniffed her nose and did not dare look back at me. Her hands wrapped around her naked arms as if she was cold, but the temperature did not call for a jacket since the heat emanated during the day worked its way out of the pavement late into the hour. She was being defensive "I'm not playing any games. I'm mad yes" her eyes travelled back to me "but that doesn't mean that under that anger my true feelings changed." I shuddered, breath leaving my chest as I took a step forward "To be honest, I don't even think I can call this being mad."
"What are you saying?" frustrations travelled through her showing on her face as clear as day. Her voice rose a few decibels when asking me and I quote "What do you fucking think genius?" suppressing a chuckle my hands left the depths of my pockets "It looks like you are ready to make a mistake and give me another chance."
"A mistake?" hunching forward the streets echoed with her laughter bouncing lively off the buildings "A mistake he said, oh lord." Straightening herself, one hand travelled to her waist as she cocked her hip to the side "I know you're damaged goods you don't need to tell me that, but from one broken person to another take my advice please. Get out of your head and breathe for a moment, offer yourself a chance."
No woman has ever loved me and was ready to forgive me apart from my mother. She was the only one who still smiled despite of who I was and how I acted. But a mother's love is different than the one Hana had offered me. She had no obligation to stay by my side, no true reasons being provided by my selfish soul. Yet regret entrapped my soul when tears streamed down her sweet face. Shame once again burned my checks so I looked away from her loving eyes, I could not. Looking up at the dark sky above us, my lungs struggled to function within parameters. Fright…I cannot.
"I will consider you words." Turning back to her a faint smile was forged just for her. One to provide her a modicum of comfort.
The following word leaving her mouth came out as a whisper and I hated that word in her mouth "Liar." With no warning her territory erupted engulfing me. More out of instinct both my hands were placed over my chest however the idea in itself was laughable at best, there was no possible way I could hide "Do you know what happens when we cause pain to ourselves?" the clicking of her high heels barely made any sound as she ventured closer causing me to take a step back "We rip apart our souls, raw new cuts shining through above the rest, fresh, pulsating, calling out, wailing with such pain as there is no dignity or escape in that suffering and the soul knows it." As she extended her hand out to my chest I jumped back as if she was ready to sink her teeth into me. I was exposed, no matter the lies my tongue would forge if it was causing pain to myself she would see it in a second carved into me.
"This time I am warning you, I do not appreciate being put in a corner."
Looking to the side she shook her head again, mocking me in a sense "Of course you don't." stepping to aside I gasped. Reflecting in a window engulfed in her territory I saw myself, my own soul. My right hand came over my mouth as my heart beat picked up. But if I could see myself why could I not see her? She appeared like a shadow roaming inside the territory, not an actual human being.
"Where is your soul Hana?" her head tilted to the side but she did not answer me "Why can I see myself?" desperation clawed at my vocal cords because my mind lacked the ability to comprehend what was actually happening, I had no explanation. The only thing I had was the image of a jagged edged soul, it looked disgusting, so torn and twisted.
"Don't worry, since I am the possessor of the territory I can chose to hide myself since it's my place to control." A small light started shinning from within her, faded and so little I had to strain to keep focus. Slowly, like a scared animal, her soul revealed and my eyes stung. Deep scars with dark jagged edges frowned at me, some so close to the core of her dim flame. All of her smiles and jokes were a mask, I had known this, but I had never imagined it ran so deep "Not so different no? Just that I had a lot less years than you to earn my badges."
"But you have…" I chocked on my own words, squeezing my eyes shut as I took a small breath in "healed no?"
"Yes." her answer came fast and just as relentless as she was. Shameless and bare in front of me and I in front of her. Rubbing at my eyes with the back of my right hand my vision returned blurry "It's alright, it was my choice to spend time dwelling on what was, so pain resurfaced, broke free if you will, plus the majority of the scars and hurt were already there. Add some more this week."
Calling back her territory was done slowly but once it was gone I ran to her, pulling her body in my arms. Tonight, it's all I could allow, but for one night I needed to heal her and myself, to keep her close. Even if it was a lie, even if I just knew this was not real and could never be. No matter how many chances she was willing to feed me I would always be famished for something else.
Hushing me, she trembled against my force, grip barely holding on, such gentleness that I needed to protect. However since I was not willing to forgive myself, how could I save her "Kurama" looked at her lovely face, the mask I always held, the one forged off of countless years of experience and lessons learned, stared back at her "this is not just for tonight."
"Your expectations in me exceed my capabilities." No, she did not believe that. Those eyes held mine, she knew things I myself wasn't yet clear on, I myself still hid "We still have not talked about it Hana and there are so many things to say." Cupping my cheeks, her lips found mine again "Please, there is so much of me that" words felt hot on my tongue, heavy, holding the pain of centuries.
"Is it ok with you if I stay right here? Are you going to accept me holding you from time to time?"
Searching her face for answers I responded with a question of my own "Are you willing to also do those things? Will you let me save you?" this darkness I did not recognise, this raw pain surfacing beyond her light, that distrust cutting through me "Let me be the one Hana."
A sad smile curved her lips, eyes lowering, long dark lashes casting shadows on her face "Come, people are waiting for you." placing my hands around her waist, stopping her mid action brought her more grief. Looking up at me, she pulled so close, whispering against my trembling lips "You do not define me, I can do this without you."
"So can I." words travelled through my teeth, yet she did not back down.
"But I don't want to, I am tired of this loneliness tearing through my soul even if I am with friends. I'm not strong, I'm not wise but I am stubborn and unexpected and so are you." placing open palms on my chest, my hands clenched the fabric of her dress "I don't care what name you carry, or how much blood paints your skin, as long as you continue to look at me like that, we will be alright." As my lips crashed on top of her, she gasped as I kissed her until we were both out of breath and famished for one another.
"I will stop taking steps backwards."
"I'll come to you." you'd better Hana, because if one of us breaks one more time, I do not know how we can recover anymore.
"Do you wish you skip the event?" cheeky Hana, all she wanted was just me and the event. Forgive and not forget? One more small innocent game? As long as you offer me that smile, that radiant smile, I will control my thirst for you one more night.
"No, tonight we dance."
