A/N: This one-shot takes place shortly after Eileen's birth when Rose's parents are still staying with them.
Naming Eileen:
"What's wrong?" Severus demanded at once. Rose was sitting on their bed looking down into Eileen's cradle. Silent tears were rolling down her cheeks. Eileen was fast asleep and looked perfectly alright. Rose raised her red eyes to Severus, who stared down at her with a look of concern on his face. "Are you unwell?" Despite what kept Rose telling him, she still looked paler and more tired than usual.
Rose wiped her eyes and sniffed a few times. "No, it's not that," she said. "I'm fine."
Severus grimaced. "Stop telling me you're fine," he hissed.
"I was just thinking about what my dad said earlier," she said unhelpfully.
"About what specifically?" Severus said with a bit of impatience, not ready to give up the topic of her health.
"About Eileen's middle name," Rose replied.
Severus was silent.
"I don't want you to think that I hate Lily," Rose said in a small voice. When her father suggested that they give Eileen a flower middle name because Esme is Esme Rose, Rose immediately shut it down. She felt guilty for doing so. On occasion, she had thought that she hated Lily Potter and instantly felt sick with herself. She didn't hate Lily. She hated how she made her feel jealous and insecure.
Rose had no reason to question Severus's feelings for her, yet sometimes if they had argued or if Severus was distant with her as he got lost in thoughts of the past, Rose's imagination would go off in unpleasant directions. She loved her husband deeply and the idea of sharing his affections with another woman hurt horribly, even if she should have understood completely the ability to love two people.
Severus sighed and sat on the bed beside her. He pinched the bridge of his nose and then looked at her. "I do not believe that you hate Lily," Severus told her. Anytime that Lily was brought up in any manner between them things became uncomfortable. Rose, however, had shown interest in talking about Lily and learning about her. Severus never gave away much. This made Rose feel even more insecure that Severus would not open up about his previous love, making Rose fixate on the feelings he was hiding from her.
Severus never expressed any desire to hear about Tiberius Malfoy. In the past, Rose would voluntarily share information with Severus about Tiberius. Severus could see the signs that Rose needed to talk about him, that she missed him terribly, but Severus never encourage her confidence and often times shut down these conversations abruptly. When he did this, he could clearly see the hurt in Rose's eyes, but she would get the idea and not say any more about it. Eventually, Rose avoided bringing Tiberius up around Severus. Severus vaguely wondered if Rose had confided in Hannah, which he didn't like either. Being her husband, he should be her natural confidant, but the idea of Rose being with another man was more than he could stand.
"I should have asked you if you wanted to call name Eileen after Lily," Rose said. Her voice was shaking even if her tears were suppressed. "But I didn't even consider what you wanted."
"I thought we had agreed on Eileen Rachel," Severus said dryly.
"She cried when I said it," Rose said. "I don't think she likes the idea."
"You are being ridiculous," Severus told her. "Eileen is an infant."
Rose narrowed her eyes at him. "Women usually don't like to be called ridiculous when they're upset," she said. Some of the grief in her voice was replaced with irritation.
Severus preferred that over Rose sounding so forlorn. He never quite knew how to comfort her. "Look," he said sternly, taking up her hand in his. "Give Eileen whatever name you see fit. It makes absolutely no difference to me and Merlin knows it makes no difference to her."
Rose's eyes began to well again.
He grabbed her at once and held her to his chest. Once when Rose had been upset about something trivial, Severus couldn't even remember what, he had scolded her for overreacting. In a similar fashion as she did now, Rose had complained that women don't need to be scolded when they cry, they need to be held. He wondered if he would ever understand what women needed, what she needed or wanted him to do. Her father had made that comment hours ago and Rose had seemed perfectly calm. Why now was she getting upset?
"I think we should call her Eileen Lily," Rose cried into Severus's chest.
Severus's body stiffened. "Why?"
"Wouldn't you like that?"
"I-" His brows knit together. "I'm not sure," he said, looking down at Rose. Her face was still hidden against his robes. Of course, he would like to honor Lily in such a way, but he was not sure he should say that to Rose. Besides, this was a one-way street. If Eileen had been a boy, Severus certainly would not have wanted to call their son Tiberius.
"You can tell me," she said intuitively.
"Rose," he pleaded.
She looked up at him, but still stayed in his arms. "Severus, I know what she meant- what she means to you," Rose said, trying to keep her voice steady, yet her eyes were puffy.
Severus's face was white and stoic.
Rose pulled away from him. "When you do that it makes it worse." She kept her voice down, but Severus felt that if Eileen was not asleep beside then, Rose would have been yelling at him.
"What is it that I'm doing exactly," he said with forced calm.
"Why won't you talk to me about her ever?" Rose said wounded.
"Because," Severus said through gritted teeth, "Every time Lily is mention you become upset."
Rose didn't look remotely upset anymore. She looked angry. "I get upset," she corrected in a fierce whisper, "because you get all closed off about it and I feel anxious about whatever feels you're keeping from me."
"I am not keeping anything from you," Severus retorted. "You say you know what she means to me. Fine. There is nothing else to discuss about it."
"I know you love her," Rose mumbled. "It just feels like we can't talk about her, like I'm forbidden from that part of your life."
Severus surveyed his wife. "You are not forbidden from any parts of my life," he breathed. "I know you like to," he paused, "talk about things," he said flatly. "But some things are better left untouched."
"I don't see it that way," Rose pleaded. "Lily was the reason you started working against You-know-who. She was your best friend. She's a part of you. I want to know every part of you. I don't want you to keep that from me. Why are 'some things better left untouched'?"
Severus's brows knit together. Rose could clearly see that he was deciding if he was going to answer her honestly. "Somethings are just more...painful than others."
"More painful for you?"
Severus nodded. "And for you."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I know how it feels be the second love," he told her.
Rose's eyes widened. "But not second best," Rose said softly.
"No," he agreed. "I know. Believe me, I know."
"I still want you to be able to talk to me about her without fear of hurting my feelings," Rose said. "I mean if you want to talk about her." Rose shook her head slightly. "I would guess that sometimes you do." She was thinking of Tiberius. "When you miss her."
Severus always missed her.
Rose seemed to gather his feelings from his silence. She nodded to herself once.
Severus was frowning at her, trying to work something out. "It's different, I think," he said barely opening his mouth. "You and Tiberius," he suppressed his scowl, he didn't even like to say his name, "were..." he trailed off. "and Lily and I never..." He shook his head. It wasn't often that he struggled with speech. He could tell the Rose was following his meaning. His eyes widened and his jaw was set. "I feel very-" he cut himself off, not sure he should say what he actually felt.
"You can tell me, Severus," she said.
He still looked unsure but as his dark eyes bore into hers something changed. Rose felt an energy radiating off him, pulling at her like a magnetic force. "I feel very possessive of you," he waited for her to protest, but Rose remained silent. She knew that he was not objectifying her. "The thought of you with another man," Severus continued, "it drives me mad because you are mine."
"I know you dislike it when I talk about Tiberius," Rose mumbled.
Severus winced slightly. "I see your need to do so."
Rose grabbed his hand and held it between both of hers. "Don't worry about that," Rose tried to brush off.
Severus let out a humorless laugh. "It would be much easier if I didn't worry about it," Severus told her.
"I just wish you wouldn't project your feelings on me," Rose told him. "Yes, there are many similarities between how we feel but the situations aren't identical. I desperately want you to be open with me about Lily. And if you are ever feeling insecure about my past relationship with Tiberius," tears reappeared in her eyes and flooded down her cheeks hard and fast, "I could tell you that you and I have a deeper bond than I could ever have had with him." She felt sick with guilt as she spoke these words. "We're married, we have children together, and..." she couldn't continue. She hid her face in her hands, muffling her sobs. Her mind was mentally crying out to Tiberius, begging him to forgive her, hoping that wherever he was he could not hear her words. The truth was, and she had known this for a while now even if this was the first time she truly said it, her love for Severus was beyond anything she had ever known before, only equaled by the love she felt for her children.
"Rose," he breathed, draping his arm around her shoulders and she buried her face in his chest. He knew what it must have cost her to say what she did. She had hinted at it before but never said the words out loud. Rose knew Severus needed to hear her say it. Severus had been craving, his whole life, to be someone's top priority, to be cherished above others. It was Rose who answered his silent plea, Rose, whom in return, he cherished above others, whom he loved more than he could ever tell her. He held her tightly until her breathing steadied.
She peered up at him with red rimmed eyes.
"I will tell you anything you want to know about Lily," Severus told her. He stroked her cheek with two fingers. "Is that what you need from me, Rose?"
She nodded.
Severus sighed. "Well, I won't insult your intelligence and tell you that I have learned to love Lily like a sister."
Rose gave Severus a halfhearted smile and nodded again.
"Lay down beside me," Severus said gently. They adjusted themselves on the bed. Severus laid with his front to Rose's back. "Are you comfortable?" he breathed in her ear.
"Yes," she uttered.
"What exactly do you want to know?"
"Everything," Rose answered. "I want you to start from the very beginning, when you and Lily first met."
Severus was silent for a moment and Rose was holding her breath. "Alright," Severus agreed. He began.
At first his story needed much prompting from Rose, but soon enough Severus embarked into fluid speech. He hadn't spoken about this in a long time, if not ever. As he spoke, he felt a weight lift from his chest. Rose was an attentive listener, trying to commit everything to memory, not sure if this opportunity would ever come again. Severus unconsciously played with the ends of Rose's hair as he spoke. When he got to the point in his tale where his friendship had ended with Lily he paused.
Rose turned in his arms so that she was facing him. "If it's too painful..."
"No," Severus told her and continued, his face stony.
"I owe her so much," Severus conclude.
"Do you still feel indebted to her?" Rose asked.
Severus considered this for a moment. "Not indebted." Something darkened behind his eyes. "Nothing I could ever do would possibly make up for the damage I caused."
"Severus," Rose breathed grasping his hands.
"Where would I have been without Lily?" he said. "Certainly not here with you."
"Then for that I am eternal grateful to her," Rose whispered.
Severus smiled slightly and kissed the top of Rose's head.
Rose's eyes bore into his. "Thank you for sharing that with me," she told him.
"I love you," he replied.
"I love you too," she told him. She sat up and moved towards the cradle. Severus followed suit.
Eileen was awake and was quietly listening to the sounds of her parents' voices.
"And I love you too," Rose cooed at the baby. "How long have you been awake, Little one?" Rose scooped Eileen up into her arms.
Severus placed his hand over Eileen's heart and gazed at her thoughtfully.
"Eileen Lily?" Rose asked.
"Eileen Lily," Severus agreed still looking over their beautiful baby.
"See," Rose pointed out, turning towards Severus, "she didn't cry this time like when we suggested Eileen Rachel."
Severus smirked. "I guess she approves then."
XXX
Dear Readers,
Thank you so much for following this story. Please review and let me know your thoughts. If there are other one-shots you would like me to write, I am always looking for suggestions.
Sincerely,
Thora Jane
