Chapter Eight: What Am I feeling
Alice (POV)
"They've been gone too long." I said to no one in particular. A hunting trip was one thing, I feared something else had happened and my visions were locked on the night of the strange visitor. I felt hamstringed, unable to help my family.
"She seemed pretty eager, I bet they are just…" Emmett started, but Rosalie hit him in the side before he could finish his thought.
"Maybe, I'm going to go check on them." I said taking off before anyone could argue with me.
I followed their scent across the river, and along a deer trail where they were clearly tracking prey. At the end I found Bella alone, sitting on a what looked like a dead tree, staring at her hands in a beam of sunlight pouring through a break in the clouds.
"He told me." Bella said quietly, looking up as I entered the small clearing.
"Oh, yeah that explains why you're not naked." I said trying to lighten the mood a little.
"Probably." Bella closed her eyes tightly for a moment and shook her head again. "I told him to go." She continued with a sigh. I moved over to her and sat next to her on the downed tree she was perched on. As I did, I realized it wasn't hollowed at all, I glanced around and realized half of the trees in the clearing had some damage, from torn bark to a couple that looked half uprooted. I ignored it for a moment but wondered if maybe her self-control wasn't perfect after all.
"Is he?" I started, trying not to sound like I was blaming her for anything. But I knew Edward, he would go and never come back if she told him to.
"Gone, no. I made it very clear he cannot just leave. I just said I didn't want to look at him for a little while." She frowned and looked at me. "I think I get it. He was protecting his family, and he was under no obligation to save me. It just hurts to know he could have and chose not to."
"Yeah, I still don't understand why he held back. I didn't, even though I wasn't fast enough." I said feeling shame for taking too long to help that day. She looked up at me with gratitude on her face.
"Thank for trying, that's enough. Honestly though, it doesn't matter anymore; you are all my family now so eventually I'm going to have to forgive him. I just don't know if I can love him." She kept eye contact and her voice was even, but I could tell she was suffering.
"Do you, love him?" I asked, not really wanting to know the answer.
"Yes, and no. I thought I did, but I don't think I know him. So how can I love someone that I don't know, who let me get hurt? It's the same with Carlisle, how could he do this to me without explaining it? I'm feeling torn too, because I feel right. Powerful, in balance for the first time in my life." She looked back down at her hands as she spoke.
"I'm not sure I follow you." I admitted feeling confused.
"I've literally stumbled through my life, and I never felt connected to my body and to the world. I felt like an outsider. Now, it's like suddenly I have an answer to the question that has haunted me all my life. I think I was always meant to be like this. Well, I've never been that angry, and I'm not exactly prone to throw tantrums so all of this is, unsettling." She motioned around the clearing and then down at the tree we were sitting on.
"All newborns go through growing pains, a fit of anger taken out on some trees is not so bad in comparison to most in your position." I offered, trying to sooth her concerns.
"Oh? How so?" She asked curiously.
"Ask Rose, her story is kind of legendary." I replied simply, unwilling to elaborate.
"I'll do that. It's just. If someone had told me I could have this amazing gift and the price I had to pay was several months of pain and humiliation, I probably would've been glad to pay it. I wish they had trusted me. I just don't know if I can ever trust him again with my heart. I'm so confused Alice." She closed her eyes and rested her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her closer.
"A few weeks ago, Jasper left me." I hadn't told either Bella or Angela about the breakup because it was still too new, and the reasons were a part of our secret. Bella pulled away and looked at me.
"Alice I'm so sorry." She pulled my hands into hers and gave me a sympathetic smile.
"Don't be. I think I knew this was coming. He never truly fit our lifestyle, and while I know he loves me, it was never enough. That strain pulled us apart eventually, and now here I am, alone." I couldn't keep eye contact with her, but when I was finished, she lifted my chin up to meet her gaze again.
"You're saying don't start a relationship on shaky ground." Bella guessed, and even though I hadn't been trying to make a point it made sense. I thought about it and shook my head a couple of times.
"Not exactly. I miss Jazz, but I'm not torn apart. He left, and I think I'm okay. So, I guess what I'm really trying to say is, make sure you love the one you're with. It is very easy for us to fall into complacency because we live so long. Rose and Emmett are hard to be around sometimes they are so in love. Carlisle and Esme have the kind of love that people write books about. If you don't love Edward that way, don't commit to him." I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek and pulled her into a deep hug. She held me close for almost a full minute and when we let go, I stood up.
"Angela is waiting for your call, and honestly I don't think you're going to have to stay away from her for long, because despite all this," I motioned around the clearing. "You're entirely too sane for a newborn. I also may have decorated the house a bit." I fidgeted; I knew how she would react when I told her.
"Decoration? Oh Alice, you didn't!" Bella said with a massive frown.
"Happy Birthday." I grabbed her hands and pulled her up, and momentarily she was only an inch away from me. We caught each other's gaze for a moment, and something intangible passed between us. We lingered that close for ten long seconds, before I began to feel self-conscious and backed away.
"I need a few more minutes alone is that okay?" She asked, and I nodded back.
"Of course. We'll be waiting." I said and raced off back to the house, risking one glance back at her. When I did, I was surprised to see her watching me go. I waved, and then I passed by a tree blocked her from my view. I ran for another minute and stopped dead in my tracks.
"What's wrong with me?" I asked myself, trying to understand what I was feeling. I knew Bella, she was my friend and basically my sister and I loved her implicitly. She was my family, just like Carlisle and Esme, Rose, Emmett and even Edward. Except, I didn't feel the same about her. She felt more important somehow.
More important… "Oh no." I whispered as I realized a strange truth. I didn't just love Bella; I was in love with Bella. I pushed down that realization and rushed back home. From a distance I could hear the end of a heated conversation.
"I have no problem with Bella. If she makes Edward happy then I'll like her. But she seems to change her mind a lot, so until I know for sure she isn't going to up and leave him I'm remaining neutral." I blinked, that was the first time I'd ever heard Rose stand up for our family, especially Edward in that way. I stopped and waited for her to continue. Everyone else must have been giving her incredulous expressions, because she continued with a defensive tone of voice. "What? Can't I be protective of my family? Contrary to popular belief I do love you all."
"We know you do Rose, and I'm happy that you're worried about Edward." Carlisle paused before continuing. "Bella is a part of this family now, and you will need to at least try and build a relationship with her."
"Fine. I'll play nice." Rose relented. I smirked and continued back towards the house. They all turned as I entered, and I bit my lower lip a little knowing I had to break the news.
"Okay, so they are physically okay. Bella is just a little angry right now." I tried to soften it a little before elaborating further.
"How so?" Rose said narrowing her eyes.
"He told her the truth about the accident." Everyone held in their breath.
"She's thinking about it and may have killed a couple of trees." I quipped but shook my head. "Rose, to placate your worries some, Bella doesn't change her mind very easily. She is in fact the most stubborn, unmoving, and frustrating people I've ever meet once she decides on something. Right now she is trying to make up her mind, if her choice is Edward she will stand by him no matter what." Rose looked at me with a raised eyebrow.
"Will she leave if she doesn't choose him?" Esme asked with a worried expression.
"I don't think so, she said she already thinks of us as family. Although Carlisle, you really need to explain your reasons. When I suggested you turn her, I didn't mean lie to her." I gave him a glare, which he flinched away from and looked down in shame.
"True, a lie through omission is still a lie. I thought at the time that it would be too overwhelming for her to hear. With the surgery hanging over her head. Or maybe I was afraid she would say no, and I took the coward's way out." Carlisle looked upset. "I'll excuse myself from your party."
"Some party." Rose snorted, and I gave her an unfriendly glare. "Sorry. Maybe if could come up with a reason to change Angela, then you would have friends to enjoy your parties." She grinned and I almost growled at her.
"Rose, we don't talk randomly about changing humans. It's bad manners." Although Esme scolded her, she didn't seem upset by the comment.
"I'm already worried that Angela will have to join us eventually, please don't throw fuel on that fire." Carlisle said from the doorway, and then entered his office, closing the door behind him.
"One big happy family." Emmett said sarcastically. "Do we need to wrap the presents?"
"Not unless you want to." I answered easily knowing how much Bella hated gifts in the first place. I heard a small sound from Edward's room and excused myself. I found him staring out his window, playing Beethoven's 9th symphony.
"I'm glad you went to her." He whispered, acknowledging my presence at least.
"I was worried." I said in explanation, afraid he would pick out the thing I didn't really want him to know about.
"When she comes back let her know I will stay away from her sight as long as she needs me to." He looked at me, and I found his expression hard to look at. He was suffering, but I couldn't help but feel a touch satisfied that the tables had turned on him, while also feeling like shit for reveling in his misery.
"I will Edward, and if makes you feel any better, I don't think she has any intention of making us chose between the two of you." I offered.
"Thank you for that, but I won't make that choice difficult if the times comes." Edward said, and a flash of the future with him beheaded by the Volturi crossed through my vision like a fleeting ghost.
"Don't ever think that again." I warned him, feeling suddenly guilty for my own feelings.
"I won't, I promise." He said with a sigh and reached over to turn up the music. I left him then and tried not to think about him as I waited for Bella to return.
Ten minutes later I heard the door opened softly, and Bella poked her head into the main foyer.
"Anyone home?" She called out. I cringed as I remembered the state of her and her dress which was torn and bloody. I rushed over and covered her eyes quickly. She squeaked a bit and I dragged her upstairs. As I uncovered her eyes, she leveled a withering glare in my direction.
"Why did you just drag me to… your closet?" Her emotions changed in a split second from livid to confusion as she looked around.
"I'm getting you into a new dress, because that one is completely unsalvageable. You'll need to get a shower since you're an utter mess. But first!" I looked and found a blue silk dress that would partially fit her and would need only minor alterations. I already had her measurements, and made the adjustments in a minute, and then I practically pushed her into my bathroom to shower. She took longer than I expected, and I grew a touch impatient waiting for her. So, I opened up the door and stuck my hand through the opening, holding up a towel.
"Sorry, I lost track of time." She said a little sheepishly. The shower turned off and she took the proffered towel. After a few more seconds she opened the door and stood awkwardly. "I don't have underwear here."
"You don't really need them but give me a moment I did some shopping for you before you arrived." I located the bags of clothes I had gotten for her, including several items in the style she preferred before she lost her legs. I returned a few seconds later and she smiled and ducked back into the bathroom. She came back out still wrapped in the towel but looking a touch less awkward. I held out my hand and led her to my vanity. I spent several minutes playing with her mane of hair, which had already sloughed off the water from the shower, pulling it up and giving it some style. Then I led her to her new outfit and gave her a bit of privacy to dress, even though I was tempted to look.
"All done." I turned and smiled, she looked lovely.
"Close your eyes and follow my lead." I clasped her hand greedily, happy with the contact.
"Okay." I led her downstairs checking to make sure she was complying with my wishes to keep her eyes closed. Then I positioned her to get the best effect of the room and danced over to the rest of the family. Rose, Emmett and Esme were waiting, along with a small pile of exquisitely wrapped presents. I had already done up the room in tasteful decorations in Bella's favorite colors.
"Open your eyes." I could barely keep my excitement in check as I waited for her reaction. Bella cautiously opened her eyes and let a small smile curl at her lips.
"Happy birthday Bella!" I was joined in the sentiment by the rest of the family. She cocked her head slightly, in the same way she used to blush.
"Thank you all, you really didn't have to go to the trouble. For once I thought everyone forgot." She looked modest and resigned to the attention.
"Blame Angela, most of us were so wrapped up in your transformation that it slipped our minds." I grinned at her and gave her a wink. Bella rolled her eyes and muttered something unintelligible under her breath.
"Ok present time!" I said quickly loudly, hoping she would at least enjoy herself. She looked over at me and chuckled a little.
"Thanks for the party Alice." She said with such genuine sincerity that I felt phantom tears well up in my eyes.
"My pleasure." I said happily and squeezed her hand once before walking us over to the table.
Author's Note: So yes, Bellice is a possibility. So is Bella and Edward. I will not force this, so we'll see where things end up.
As always please review, I love reading your thoughts on the story and where it might be going. I'll tell you plot has already started, it is just a bit of a slow burn.
Thank you for reading! Please check my profile for updates for when to expect the next chapter.
