Ch 54 – The Chemist

October 1921

"Charlie?" Elsie asked.

"Hmmm?" Carson raised an eyebrow.

It was late at night and the Carsons lie in bed. He read, and she lie curled up with an extra pillow, unable to sleep.

"I…" Elsie bit her lip, finding it difficult to ask.

"What is it my Mrs. Hughes?" He questioned, concern in his gaze.

Elsie propped herself up on one of the pillows she'd been cuddling with, almost gathering herself in the way she rose from the bed. "Charlie I… Why don't you touch me anymore?"

Carson lowered his book, watching her carefully as she waited for an answer, but said nothing, not having any idea what to say.

"I'm so sorry." She bit her lip, "that we've stopped making love. I suppose…" She considered, pausing. "Mr. Carson, if you didn't desire me anymore after watching me … suffer as I did having Lucy lass …"

It'd been nearly a year since Carson and Elsie had had sex. It'd been something that had been a huge part of their relationship from the night they married until… well, now. The longest they'd gone before was six weeks, following her surgery, and eight weeks, following Sam's birth, an extraordinary statement considering they'd hid their marriage for nearly eighteen years.

But this long stretch of abstanaince following Lucy's arrival in the world, was beginning to worry Elsie. She'd taken a long time to heal after the hard birth, and then found herself too tired and far too busy to worry about the state of her love life… But now, after all this time with no mention of sex from her normally very interested husband, she had to wonder if he'd gone off her: and the idea that he had really hurt.

"That was such a traumatic birth." He reflected, biting his lip sadly. "Actually… I've been meaning to speak with you about this."

"Oh?" She asked, concerned.

"Hmmm." He didn't know how to say it. "Mrs. Carson…I don't care as much about all of that as you might think."

"Oh?" Her heart sunk, her mind racing. Perhaps he really didn't find her desirable anymore after all?

Carson could feel his heart start to break at the very thought of Lucy's birth. He took a breath, the feeling and the anxiety over it amplified after Sybil's death. He wouldn't admit it, but Carson had found himself terrified all over again, not for his daughters so much, as Elsie had thought, but knowing it could've easily been Elsie who died having her baby and not Lady Sybil. In fact, the odds were in favor of it, but somehow his brave, wonderful Elsie had pulled through… but he was terrified to do anything to jeopardize that.

He paused before he spoke, his eyes growing a bit misty as they drilled into hers sadly. "Of course I miss making love to you my Mrs. Hughes, I miss it very much! But. I also realize, you see, how blessed I am to have simply kept my Elsie when I almost lost her."

"Oh Charlie…" She whispered.

"I'd thought it anyway. But … what happened to Lady Sybil… It brought all of those feelings back: and those fears… over losing you. My Elsie, I was so tremendously afraid when Lucy was born."

Elsie nodded, certainly agreeing with that. Sybil's death had reminded her of how blessed she was to be alive.

"Elsie, I love and desire you so much. Its sometimes difficult for me to not look at you, and think only of one thing, to not pounce you, or pull you into my pantry and lock the door."

"Charlie!" She cried, rather amused but pretending to be ashamed.

"But Elsie, I love and desire you so much that we could never make love again, and it wouldn't matter so much to me, because at least, then you'd be here every day, by my side, to continue to be my partner and my best friend." He closed his eyes, tears running down his cheeks.

Elsie scooted in close and he looked up, rubbing his nose against hers, almost brushing her lips with a kiss, but not quite touching them.

He had yet to fully confess it, but he'd been so scared during Lucy's birth, more scared than he knew how to be, or to put into words, and knew that nothing, not even the love he felt for his children, could ever match the tremendous relief he'd felt upon realizing that his Elsie would be all right. It was then that he'd realized he had to die first… he couldn't bare the pain of losing her. It'd finish him off.

He'd thought on it all for months now, but in light of recent events, he felt compelled to explain it. Elsie closed her eyes and kissed him softly, tears of relief rolling down her cheeks.

'Oh, thank goodness he still desires me, I don't know what I'd do if he didn't love and desire me…' She thought.

"Elsie don't cry."

"I'm crying because you still want me warts and all." She giggled.

"Oh Mrs. Hughes. Yes, I want you. And I miss you." He whispered, pulling her in close. "And yes, I desire you. Madly, deeply, passionately."

"Get away with you." She bit her lip, teasing him.

"I feel such relief that you're here with me. I feel it every day."

Carson almost had a heart attack when he'd thought of the life he'd imagined without Elsie. Him, and the twins and Samuel all alone, all of them lost and heartbroken. Carson felt a weight lifted from his soul every time he looked at his wife, right then being no exception.

"That's all that matters to me Mrs. Hughes, being able to spend the rest of my forever with you. I don't care what I have to sacrifice to ensure that." He gulped. "So, we'll make love again whenever you're ready, not a moment before..."

Carson paused, having only mentioned this for her benefit, for he didn't truly feel this way deep inside. As much as part of him was relieved, another part of him was angry and filled with pent up lust. He'd never say it, for he didn't give that part of him any power, but he found himself resentful at times over the loss of their love life. He didn't want to wait for her, he wanted her: and now. But his anger and frustration gave away easily to his fears, fears that ran so deep he didn't dare consider challenging them.

"Oh Charlie." Elsie smiled deeply, appreciative of how loyal and understanding of a husband she had. She knew, and had known, too many women could not say the same.

"In truth, Mrs. Carson. I'm very afraid to make love to you, that I should lose you if you become pregnant again." He gulped.

Elsie paused, having not given much thought to this since the night Lucy was born, although it'd never left the back of her mind. "That's right." She reflected sadly, as if realizing. "Dr. Clarkson said I cannot have another babe…"

Elsie stared off in the distance a moment, overwhelmed by the thought.

"Are you alright?" He asked, noting right away that she seemed crushed by the idea.

"I just… I suppose…"

"Go on." He urged gently.

"I don't know. I worked so much harder than most women to be able to have a babe. Most women are married a few months and that's that. But for me, it's a little painful now that the possibility is gone when I had to suffer to earn it." She looked down as he started to rub her back.

"It is for me too, my love." Carson didn't know if it was painful or just simply disorienting. He felt too old to have a baby but like the window for it was shutting so suddenly.

"To be honest Charlie, if Lucy had not come the way she had…" Elsie hesitated, not sure she wanted to tell him this.

"Yes?"

"I'd have tried for one more."

Carson raised his eyebrows, in an instant supposing he shouldn't be surprised about this: after all, she was a very dedicated mum. He'd felt too old to be a father again with Samuel even though he had been the one who'd wanted to try for another at the time, and with Lucy he felt blessed but ridiculous… Another following her would've just been absurd…But Carson's err of concern soon softened into a smile, and he couldn't help but chuckle.

"That've been nice, Mrs. Hughes. Very nice indeed." Absurd or not, Carson knew he could never say no to having a child with her. "But four is a lovely number, a bigger number than we ought to have got to." He reminded.

"Yes." Elsie bit her lip, unable to help but feel a bit sad. "Charlie?"

"Hum?"

"Mr. Carson, I'm afraid to make love too, but ... I refuse to live the rest of our lives together too afraid to show you how much I love you."

"Oh, Elsie I…" He moved to protest.

"We will not grow apart you and I." She warned, straddling him as she turned to face him. He looked up in shock, but before he could speak, she placed her hands on his chest and leaned down, kissing him.

Carson breathed deep, his heart skipping a beat as he sunk into the kiss. Part of his soul simply sighed, feeling great relief, but abounding passion at her simple touch. Carson broke the kiss, unsure he'd be able to hold back if they didn't stop.

He looked up, searching her eyes hopelessly wishing she'd stop tempting him so.

"My Mrs…"

"Shuu Charlie…"

"What are we going to do? I could not bear to hurt you and yet, I know I cannot hold back forever."

"Then we will get help."

"Help?!" Carson panicked.

"Welcome to the modern world Mr. Carson." She joked. "There are ways now."

"Ways?" He raised an eyebrow suspiciously.

"For all that time we sought help trying to become pregnant, other people were looking for ways to keep from becoming pregnant."

"That sounds… rather risqué…" He said, almost disgusted, and Elsie giggled.

No sooner had they set off than Elsie regretted her decision to bring Mrs. Patmore to the chemist with her. The never-wed cook was a little over interested in the proceedings, just as she could be a little too nosy about the Carson's love life. But Elsie tried to pay her little mind, knowing that bringing her along was the easiest way to also tote both Samuel and Lucy into the village with her.

Besides, she was nervous: what if they were to say no?

Elsie was so eager to get this help, that she felt she needed to make a case: thus, the need to bring both of her babies. Part of her realized that the fact that she had two babies, at her age, made a case for itself. Even so, she'd thought of grandstanding, of bringing Daisy and the twins, and presenting them as three of her other children, but Daisy had bolted from the room at the mere suggestion of coming along, and at the end of the day, Elsie knew her clever twins would come away with too many questions she did not want to answer.

Mrs. Patmore cuddled Sam in her arms as he chewed on his rattle. "This is so exciting it's a bit taboo after all!"

"Mrs. Patmore!" Elsie shushed.

A little bell chimed as the two middle-aged women entered the chemist's shop, causing Elsie to jump nervously. Lucy babbled, her chocolate eyes wide as she looked around the strange place. Being so little and small for her age, Lucy had rarely had occasion to leave the abbey and was just now growing aware of the outside world. She blinked, clinging to her mother's lapel from a wool tartan sling Elsie had made to carry the twins around in long before.

"Well go on then…" Mrs. Patmore pushed Elsie up to the counter.

Mrs. Carson cleared her throat nervously.

"Can I help you?" The shopkeeper asked.

"Thank the Lord it's a woman." Beryl whispered.

"Mrs. Patmore." Elsie growled under her breath. "Yes, I would like to..." Elsie didn't know how to say it. Beryl looked on eagerly, as if waiting on pins and needles for her to say it.

"She'd like to get some contraceptives." Beryl whispered, leaning over Elsie's shoulder.

Elsie turned, she and the shop-woman both staring at her a beat in surprise.

"May I ask why?" The woman asked, her tone growing strict.

Elsie and Beryl found themselves taken aback, feeling, for a minute as if they'd been bad at school.

"Because…"

Beryl was having a difficult time keeping restless little Samuel calm, and now held him like she was going to lift him in the air and have him pretend to fly, neither his godmother or mother noticed that he'd leaned over, taking note of the tiny sister he didn't yet like or understand. Lucy fussed as he poked her face, but again, neither adult took notice. Finally, he pulled her little bit of her light red (nearly blonde) hair, causing her to shriek. Sam giggled.

"Ha! Lucy!" Elsie cried, immediately tending to her now crying baby. "Samuel! Bad boy, why did you do that?!"

The shop-woman looked on, keeping a straight, but judgmental face.

"It's for her health, you see." Beryl clarified.