I felt like I needed to get this out there because the world is chaos right now. Like, that doesn't directly correlate in any sense except in my head, but here. Take this. Whatever it is. I couldn't begin to tell you.
I'm dedicating this to my grandma. Not my actual grandma, because she died, but the other one. I love her, and she's going through it, so. Anyways.
"All your love overgrown
All your body undersold
All above, all your waiting coming home"
"I'm bored."
Harvey looks up from his phone to the seat across from him at the pouting ten-year-old staring at him.
"I'm sorry," he replies, but with zero sincerity.
"Can we play a game or something?"
"What kind of game?" he asks, intrigued.
She shrugs, "I don't know. I'm just bored."
"So you said."
"Harvey," she whines.
"Rosie," he whines back mockingly.
"Do you have to work right now?" she groans. "Just talk to me or something. This is taking forever."
"It's four hours, Shortstop," he shakes his head. "I told you, two movies."
"I couldn't find any good ones," she says with a sigh. "The only one I wanted to see was Finding Dory, but it's still only in theaters."
"I can take you to see it when we get home," Harvey offers.
"That's okay," Rosie sighs, and before he can ask why she adds a soft, "Mike was going to take me, so I think I'll just wait on him if that's alright."
Harvey gives her a sympathetic smile that she doesn't return, "I understand."
"I miss him, Harvey," she admits sadly.
"I know. I miss him too," Harvey tells her in a moment of pure honesty. "Which is why you should let me get back to what I was doing, so I can keep working on getting him out of there."
Rosie rolls her eyes, "I don't think four hours is gonna make a difference. Besides, you promised Mom no work this weekend."
Harvey smirks, "I promised her no work in Boston. We're not in Boston yet, hotshot."
"Lawyers," Rosie scoffs, looking pointedly out the window, and Harvey chuckles.
"Okay, okay," he concedes. "No more work. You're right. There's nothing I can do for Mike right now. But no games, let's just talk."
"Talk about what?"
"I don't know. Whatever you want to talk about. Hit me with your worst. I can't run away from you here."
Rosie seems to consider this for a moment before deciding.
"Let's tell each other the deep stuff."
"Deep stuff?" Harvey asks, eyebrows raised.
"Yeah, you know, the kind of stuff daughter Rosie should know about Harvey but friend Rosie doesn't."
Harvey smiles, "And what kind of stuff would that be exactly?"
"The deep stuff," she repeats emphatically. "Like what side of the bed you sleep on, and whether you're a shower in the morning or shower at night kind of person, and if you eat dinner at the table or on the couch."
Harvey chuckles, "That deep stuff, huh? Well, I sleep on the right side of the bed, I shower in the mornings after I go running-"
"You run?"
"-and since I'm usually alone for dinner, I eat on the couch, while I watch Netflix."
"Figures," Rosie scoffs. "Favorite show on Netflix?"
"The West Wing, hands down," he replies instantly.
"Never heard of it."
"That's because it's way too mature for your ten-year-old brain to handle."
It's Rosie's turn to raise her eyebrows, "What's it about?"
"It's a political drama about the people who work in the West Wing of the White House."
"Political drama?" Rosie laughs out loud. "You don't even like politics."
"No, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy a good Martin Sheen show when I see one."
"Who's Martin Sheen?"
"Okay, I'm done with this one. Your turn. What's your side of the bed?"
"Right, but you already knew that," Rosie sighs. "You've tucked me in, like, a billion times since I was little."
"Fair. Night or morning shower?"
"Night."
"And I assume your mother makes you eat dinner at the table?"
"Sometimes. Sometimes we eat pizza on the couch and watch Project Runway."
"Sounds about right," Harvey nods.
"Harvey," Rosie murmurs, and he can tell immediately that she's switched from playful banter to introspective just in the way she says his name. "While we're, ya know, talking about the deep stuff. Can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
"The morning of the trial, when I was having those panic attacks, how did you know so much about them?"
Harvey sighs. He'd be lying if he said he hadn't seen this coming for a while now, but he'd also be lying if he said in all that time he'd managed to put together a good response. How do you tell your kid that they're messed up for the rest of their life because of you?
"Remember when I told you I learned those tricks from my therapist?" he asks, figuring he can ease into the heavy stuff. "She taught me all about them when I started seeing her about a year ago."
"When Mom left you?" Rosie adds, ever inciteful.
"Yeah," he nods. "See, I started having them too, when I was about your age, but as I got older, I got used to them more, so they were easier to handle, and after a while, they started happening less and less as I grew into my job and felt like I had everything under control. But your mom leaving, it triggered some old issues, I guess, and it all came back. I couldn't control it anymore, so I started going to therapy. She gave me medicine that's supposed to help with my anxiety, and even though it did get better, the panic attacks would still come up every now and then, so she gave me a few tricks."
Rosie nods, but doesn't seem completely satisfied, "What's anxiety?"
Harvey takes a deep breath, "It's like...like a Jack-in-the-Box. You remember those? How you'd just sit there turning the handle, waiting for it to pop out, except you just keep turning and turning and you know it's going to pop out any second, but it just...doesn't. And you know that little pop is going to scare you, you're just waiting for it to make you jump because you can't stop turning the handle. You need it to pop out so you can just move on, but it doesn't. It's that feeling, but just, all the time. Every conversation, every thought that goes through your head, everything you ever have to do is that Jack-in-the-Box. And sometimes you snap. Sometimes the waiting is too much, and you just explode, and that's a panic attack. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah," says Rosie. "Yeah, it actually does. I just…I didn't know that was anxiety. I thought that was how people felt, like, normally."
"No," Harvey shakes his head. "It's definitely not normal. It's fairly common, but it isn't normal."
"So...like...that little thing where your heart suddenly feels like it weighs a hundred pounds for a second and you forget how to breathe, is that anxiety?"
"That's anxiety. It's almost a little mini panic attack. I get it right before I have to talk every time in court."
"Really?" Rosie asks, shocked.
"Really."
"It doesn't show."
"Well, that's because I've spent my entire life trying to hide it," he tells her. "When you grow up thinking it's normal, you wonder why no one else ever looks anxious all the time, and you cover it up."
"I guess I've been doing that too," Rosie considers this for a moment. "I always thought I got my acting skills from Mom, but maybe they're a little bit from you too."
Harvey smiles a little despite himself, "Maybe. At least I gave you something useful."
"I'm sure you passed me a lot of useful things," Rosie counters.
"Well, the anxiety sure isn't one of them," he huffs. "I'm sorry you're like this because of me."
"I'm not. Sorry, I mean."
"Why?"
"It's who I am," Rosie shrugs. "And I like that it makes me more like you. I always used to wonder what my dad was like, what part of me was him because all anyone could ever see was Mom. They never had anyone else to compare it to. And even if this isn't exactly the coolest thing to bond over, it makes me feel a little bit connected to you, anyways. I've always sort of secretly thought you were pretty cool, so..."
"Secretly, huh?" Harvey smirks, choosing not to comment on part of her speech that kind of makes him want to cry.
"Besides," Rosie continues. "Like I said, I'm sure you gave me plenty of other useful things. There must be other parts of me that are like you, we just haven't found 'em yet. Let's just keep looking, okay?"
"Okay."
They spend probably a good hour and a half talking about other "deep stuff." Harvey tells her stories from her childhood and what it was like dealing with a pregnant Donna for nine months and that he likes to watch Oprah in the mornings sometimes. She laughs at all of his jokes, and for the first time in over ten years, he allows himself to hone in on the fact that it's his laugh, not Donna's that she got. He never used to let those kinds of things in because it hurt too much to think and not acknowledge, but now he can do both. Her laugh has always been one of his favorite sounds, second maybe only to her mother's, but he's never truly thought about why, and now that he knows it's because it sounds like a female version of his own, he loves it, even more, this innocent and wonderful part of her that is him. She was right. She usually is, but this time he latches onto the idea and doesn't let go.
When she does finally ask him to talk about his mother, he doesn't think before opening right up. Just the way it had come so naturally when he'd first confided in Donna over twelve years ago, it comes that way with Rosie. He tells her as much as her maturity level will allow and remembers that reluctant as he is to reopen this part of his past, Rosie deserves to know the rest of her family. He never would've suggested it on his own, especially not with everything they have going on with the Mike, but it's been a couple months now since the trial and when Donna approached him about mending things, she'd played her biggest trump card, and, well, he hadn't been able to say no. He has a hard enough time denying her anything as it is, but when she looks at him with that look and uses that tone of voice to remind him that he has a daughter to think about now too, he doesn't stand a chance.
He isn't sure what prompted it, exactly. It had come somewhat out of nowhere during their now-reinstated weekly dinners while Rosie was busy looking for a game to play and he and Donna were putting away the dishes. They'd gone from Mike to his family in a matter of seconds, and he thought he was used to her ability to steer their conversations exactly where she wanted them by now, but it'd given him something akin to whiplash nonetheless. Before he knew it he was agreeing to a weekend trip to Marcus's place with Rosie and a promise to make at least an effort with his mother, who, as Donna eloquently put it, was long overdue the chance to meet the grandchild he'd hidden from her for almost eleven years. He wonders if the whole thing hadn't been brought on by Rosie's sudden interest in his side of the family, now that she knows they're also hers. He'd been dodging numerous questions about his parents and brother for over a month now, and he's sure Donna has gotten them too. He can't really bring himself to be annoyed by it, no matter how hard it is to endure. It's well within her right to want to know about his family, her family, especially since he's kept it from her for so long.
It isn't until after a long silence, Harvey resting his eyes while Rosie stares out the window, that he finally realizes he isn't the only one that's more than a little apprehensive about their spur of the moment adventure.
"What if she doesn't like me?"
Her voice cuts into his thoughts in no more than a whisper, but he's long since trained himself to be hyper-aware of her voice, so of course, he hears, and he knows without needing to ask exactly who she's talking about.
He opens his eyes to see an identical set peering at him and tries for a little lighthearted humor, "Not like you? Impossible."
Rosie doesn't look convinced.
"I just mean...she never even knew she had a granddaughter all these years, and what if she doesn't want another one? What if I don't fit in right? With them, I mean. No one ever likes the new kid."
"Well, I beg to differ, but even so, I think you're overthinking it too much," Harvey tells her. "She's going to be more than thrilled to have another little girl to spoil, and you'd never not fit it. You know they're your family too."
"I'm coming around to that idea, yeah," she says with a little smile, and he thinks that might be about all the progress he's going to make considering he's struggling with it just the same.
"It's going to be fine," he adds, both for her sake and his own, "and I'm going to be right there with you, okay?"
"Okay."
When they finally make it to Boston, Marcus and Katie pick them up at the train station and carry their luggage to the car. Katie is insistent upon finding out everything there is to know about Rosie on the trip from the station to the house, but Marcus is more concerned with harassing Harvey about the fact that he somehow managed to keep a secret daughter from him all these years, and one that was half Donna's no less. Harvey had spent so much time worrying over how he'd be around his mother that he hadn't really stopped to consider what his family would think of him having a kid with Donna. It's not like Marcus has kept his thoughts on their relationship a secret ever since the first night he brought her to one of Gordon's gigs way back in the day. His father had been bad enough, but Marcus had egged it on for so long that Harvey's concerned he worried too much about the wrong family member.
"Look," he stops Marcus as Katie and Rosie move to get in the car while the men put the suitcases in the trunk, "I know you've got this wild fantasy about me and Donna, but just keep it to yourself this time, will you? I don't want Rosie getting any ideas. She hears enough as it is."
"No worries," Marcus agrees surprisingly easily.
The car ride to the house lasts about twenty-five minutes during which Katie informs them as they previously planned that Lily is there waiting with the kids and still completely in the dark about the whole situation. Harvey had insisted they didn't tell her anything so he could be the one to tell her himself. She deserved that much from him after so long. Harvey's leg shakes uncontrollably the whole time in the car, and only when Marcus informs them that they're turning into the neighborhood does Rosie seem to notice. She reaches out with her hand and takes one of his, which is cold and sweaty and gives him a reassuring smile.
"You got this," she says quietly enough for only him to hear. "And I'm right here if you need me."
He squeezes her hand, finding it in himself to smile a little at the irony of her being the one to comfort him this time, even using almost the same words he'd given to her on the train.
"We got this," he corrects with a wink, and she nods.
They pull into the garage, and Marcus and Katie lead the way up the stairs and into the house. Harvey keeps a safe distance behind, making sure Marcus has enough time to reach their mother before he comes around the corner with Rosie right at his side.
"Mom," Marcus calls. "There's someone who came to see you."
"To see me?" answers a soft female voice that Harvey hasn't heard in so long that he feels his heart stop for a second. Part of him considers running right back out the door that second, but he feels Rosie brush up against him.
"Just like the Jack-in-the-Box, right?" she whispers, and he finds the strength he needs in her gaze. And then he steps around the corner, and she's waiting for him.
"Hi, Mom."
She seems in shock, his name falling from her lips so carefully, "Harvey?"
Rosie goes practically unnoticed for the next five minutes or so during which Harvey and his mother collide into a hug that lasts for quite some time, both of them murmuring apologies amidst tears. It isn't until they finally break apart that she seems to realize there's a bigger question to be asked.
"Why now?" she wonders. "What made you come back?"
"Someone very special to me convinced me it was time," he tells her vaguely.
"Oh?" she questions, but before he can speak anymore to that, she finally notices the little redhead who is standing awkwardly behind him. He sees her confusion as her eyes fix on Rosie, and he takes his daughter's arm, pulling her forward.
"Mom, meet Rosie," he says evenly. "Rosie, meet Grandma."
Rosie's face instantly breaks into a smile, but Lily still seems lost.
"Grandma?" she repeats slowly, both a question and a realization at once.
Harvey nods, "This is my daughter."
"I…" Lily starts. "How did...when did you…"
Harvey lets her trail on for a moment before explaining everything with as much detail as he can in as little time as possible. The whole time, Lily watches with eyes wide and a hand over her mouth in complete shock.
"Once Rosie knew the truth, Donna wanted her to have the chance to meet the rest of her family," he finishes, hands gripping Rosie's shoulders. "We both knew that meant I had to establish a real relationship with you, and it's going to take me some time to truly get there, but I thought coming here with an apology was a good start. And Rosie just couldn't wait to meet her Grandma."
Lily just shakes her head, otherwise frozen in complete amazement, but finally reaches out and grabs Rosie by the wrists to bring her closer.
"Just let me look at you," Lily says, and that's all she does for a long while. Harvey knows Rosie must be incredibly anxious, but she doesn't protest. He thinks maybe part of her needs to get a good look at the older woman as well. "I just...I can't believe...all these years, and here you are."
"Here I am," says Rosie, and Harvey suddenly realizes it's the first time she's spoken since they came inside. Lily must realize it too because she instantly bursts into tears at the sound of the girl's voice.
"Can I hug you?" she manages between sobs.
"Isn't that what grandmas are for?" Rosie chuckles a little, but Lily's only response is to clutch her tightly against her chest as if she has no intention of ever letting go.
Harvey watches for a few moments while they embrace, and if he's not mistaken, Rosie's eyes even get a little misty.
Soon after, Marcus's kids, Alex and Hailey, come over to greet Harvey, and he does his best to introduce them to Rosie without making her even more nervous. They all stand around the kitchen talking for a little while before Lily tells them she's making chili that's going to be ready soon, so they ought to get the table set. Harvey and Rosie hover awkwardly by as the rest of the Specters hustle around the kitchen, retrieving silverware and placemats and even a couple folding chairs from the garage for their visitors. The whole time Lily seems reluctant to be too far away from Rosie and even makes sure they're seated next to one another at the table, Harvey on the other side where she won't be completely overwhelmed, of course.
Dinner is relatively casual. Harvey and Rosie are entertained by plenty of stories about the everyday life of the Specters in Boston, they even talk a little about Gordon, and Rosie engages them in a couple of Harvey's least favorite moments from the past decade. Harvey is pleasantly surprised to see that Rosie and Hailey actually hit it off pretty well. Being that they're only a year or so apart, he shouldn't have been that surprised, but Rosie generally has a hard time making friends her own age. Alice and Casey are the only ones she ever mentions, so he hadn't come here expecting her to form a bond with his niece, but it's nice to see, at least. He supposes maybe being family gives them more in common than he'd realized.
Everything is going perfectly fine, more than fine really until Hailey starts in on a story from something that had happened at Alex's baseball games. She mentions someone she calls "Grandpa," and Rosie interrupts her, very confused.
"Grandpa?" she asks. "Do you mean your mom's dad?"
Hailey opens her mouth to explain, but Harvey beats her to it.
"She means Bobby," he says, voice tight and low, but everyone hears.
"Oh," Rosie nods. The rest of the table is completely silent, waiting for Harvey to react probably.
To their credit, he almost does. There's an accusation right on the tip of his tongue, but before it can fall out he feels Rosie grab his hand under the table, squeeze, their eyes meet.
Just like the Jack-in-the-Box, he thinks, takes a deep breath, counts to three, and smiles. Maybe he never realized until that exact moment that Rosie can control his anxiety-fueled mood swings just as well as her mother. When she's not causing them, that is.
"Where is Bobby?" he asks. It's forced, but genuine. He's had a lot of practice making his interest seem minuscule when really it's anything but.
"He's out of town for the weekend, actually," Marcus offers. "Went camping with some friends."
Harvey nods in response, and then it's over. He feels a little more withdrawn and little more unsure that he's as ready for this as Donna said he was, but he's come this far, and he has Rosie, so he can stick it out for another day and a half, especially with Bobby gone.
When it's time for bed, Katie guides Harvey and Rosie both to Alex's room. He has a set of bunk beds, just for the sake of it, Harvey assumes, but Katie claims it's good for company. Alex has been banished to the couch for the weekend, but he doesn't seem to mind. Marcus brings their suitcases up, and Harvey thanks them both before shutting the door.
"You mind if I get in the bathroom first to change?" Harvey asks Rosie. "I mean, you're a night shower person, so…"
She smiles, remembering their conversation on the train, and nods, "Go ahead."
He comes out a few minutes later in a pair of sweatpants and a white undershirt, "All yours."
While she's showering, he decides to give Donna a call. She picks up on the first ring.
"Hey."
He finds himself smiling at the sound of her voice. He's been doing that a lot more lately, probably ever since Mike's trial. It turns out being an actual co-parent with Donna requires a level of intimacy they haven't experienced since her pregnancy, and he's having a hard time trying to keep those thoughts from popping up all the time.
"Hi."
"I'm assuming because it's after 11:00 and this is the first I'm hearing from you since you got to Boston that everything went well?"
"It did," he replies, unable to keep the smile he's still wearing from affecting his voice.
"I'm glad, Harvey."
"Thank you," he tells her sincerely. "For making me do this."
"You're welcome," she replies, and he thinks he detects a smile in her voice as well. "Though it wasn't entirely for you."
"I know. But I never would've been able to do it without your support. And Rosie's."
"We're your family, Harvey. We're always going to support you."
The "we" catches him a bit off guard. Donna saying she was his family wasn't something he'd heard from her before, but it feels good. It feels natural.
They transition into work talk for a bit, mainly just her catching him up on what he'd missed when he left early today. But then work talk turns into regular talk and before long he's making her laugh and she's doing that thing where she flirts with him without really flirting with him, but mainly they're just chatting like best friends often do, and he doesn't even notice when Rosie comes out of the bathroom until she's asking him, "Is that my mom?"
He nods, putting the phone on speaker, and she sits on the end of the bed. It's only then that he sees the timer and realizes he and Donna have been talking for over thirty minutes.
"Hi, Mom," she says casually.
He lets them talk for a little while longer and just listens. When Rosie is finished, they both say goodnight, and he presses end.
"What took you so long?" he asks her as she climbs up the little ladder into the bed above him. "I was on the phone for thirty minutes while you were in the shower."
She peers at him from over the railing on the bed, strawberry blonde curls falling in a way that masks her expression a little, "Looking this good takes time, you know."
Harvey rips the pillow out from underneath his head and throws it at her.
"Hey!" she calls back, but she's laughing. "I'm gonna get you back for that."
"Can I just have my pillow back?"
"Nope," she says and retreats back over the side of the railing.
Harvey lets out a dramatic sigh before standing up so that he has a good view of her lying flat on her own pillow, his clutched against her chest, pretending to be asleep. Fortunately for him, he's much stronger than she is, and he manages to yank it out of her grasp.
"Harvey," she says, suddenly turning serious. "Did I do good today?"
He cocks his head slightly, "What do you mean?"
"With Grandma and Hailey and them," she adds. "Did I do good? I was trying really hard to be nice to everyone, but it was...it's a lot."
"You did great," he tells her, hand brushing her hair from her face.
"Are you sure? I guess I'm extra worried now because I know I have anxiety, and I know what it does. I just didn't want them to know there's something wrong with me."
"Hey, look at me," he tells her sternly, almost harshly. "There is nothing wrong with you, got it? Plenty of people have anxiety. It's not something you should be worried about or ashamed of. Do you hear me?"
"Yeah," she looks unconvinced.
"All that stuff I said on the train, it wasn't to make you think there was something wrong with you. It was to make you aware because when you're aware, you can take care of yourself better. You can find out what triggers your anxiety, and you can learn to avoid those things, or how to act when they come around. And we're going to work on it together. You and me. Just like the Jack-in-the-Box. Remember what you told me?"
She nods.
"I'm sorry you have to worry about all this," he sighs.
"Harvey, it's okay," she assures him. "It's not your fault."
"Well, it kind of is, right?" he laughs bitterly. "You're like this because I'm like this. You're fifty percent me, remember?"
"It was a fifty-fifty chance," she shrugs. "Don't beat yourself up about it. At least I got Mom's hair."
"And her confidence."
"And her fashion sense."
"Hey!" this time it's his turn to act indignant.
"It's true," she argues. "I'm glad we came here."
"I'm glad we did too," he agrees. "Told you you had nothing to worry about with Grandma."
"Yeah...I think she likes me more than you."
"Oh, definitely," Harvey replies without missing a beat. "You didn't hide her grandchild from her for almost eleven years."
"Well that," she pauses, "and I'm prettier."
"Okay, I think I've had enough of being abused by you tonight," he tells her. "I'm gonna go get some sleep. "Goodnight, Shortstop."
He gives her a little kiss on her forehead and she smiles, "Goodnight, Harvey."
He wakes up in the morning to a pillow whacking him in the face.
"Rise and shine," he hears Rosie say and opens his eyes to see her peering down at him. "I smell syrup, and I bet there's pancakes."
"Then go get some," he mutters groggily, taking the offending pillow and using it to cover his face.
"I don't want to go by myself," she protests. "And you still have to take a shower."
He groans into the pillow, but he's up within the next two minutes.
"Told ya I'd get you back," she winks at him just as he shuts the bathroom door with a grunt.
The rest of the weekend kind of goes by in a blur. There's baseball practice and lunch at a local diner with great milkshakes and a family game of monopoly and dinner and a movie night afterward. Somehow Rosie convinces them all to watch The Parent Trap (he thinks Lily might possibly do anything Rosie asks for the rest of time), and they both end up annoying everyone by quoting all the lines. He once again ends the night with a long phone call with Donna, and when he tells Rosie goodnight, she asks him to sing to her, which he does, of course, but he finds it a little odd because he hasn't sung to her in years. Maybe watching the movie is making her nostalgic. He hates the way his voice sounds. He never could sing like his dad, but Rosie doesn't mind. It's a little while into the song that he hears her singing along and realizes she does have a nice voice.
Rosie falls asleep after thirty minutes or so, and he lets the easy sound of her deep breathing above him lull him to sleep.
Their train leaves at 10:00 AM, so they're up 8:00 to get packed and eat breakfast before saying their goodbyes. He's not surprised to see Lily at the table when they come down for breakfast. She said she'd probably be here to see them off. Alex and Hailey are still asleep, of course, being that it's Sunday, so they try to at least be little quiet as they mull around the kitchen. Once they're through eating, Marus helps Harvey load their luggage into the car, and he tells Rosie to make sure she goes to the bathroom before they leave, which she does without protest. For a few moments, it's just Harvey and Lily standing there by the refrigerator while he waits on Rosie, and he finds himself at a loss of what to say. This weekend had been good for them, but he doesn't feel ready to be best friends or anything yet. That's still something they have to work at, and until then these moments are going to be incredibly awkward if he doesn't make some small talk. Though, as it turns out, he doesn't have to initiate it. She does.
"My students have an art show coming up in a few weeks," she says, finally breaking the silence. "You should come and see it.
He smiles, "I'd like that."
"You're welcome to bring Rosie, of course," she adds. "And Donna too. I'd love to meet her."
"I'm sure she'd like to meet you too."
"Now that it's just you and me, are you gonna tell me what's going on there?" she questions bluntly, catching him off guard.
"I don't know what you mean," he deflects but knows it isn't any good.
"Mmmhmm," she hums disapprovingly. "You may have avoided me for the past seven years, but I'm still your mother. A mother knows, Harvey."
He sighs, looks at his feet, shrugs.
"I don't know what you want me to say, Mom. There isn't anything to say."
"Don't think for a minute that I'm buying that load of crap," Lily shakes her head. "I've heard enough stories from your father and Marcus all these years. You care about that woman, and she's the mother of your child. I don't have to see you with her to know she's special to you. The way you light up when you talk about her and you don't even know."
Harvey swallows, realizing she's right, realizing he can't hide from himself anymore, so he might as well confide in someone, and his mother seems like a start.
"I...I love her, Mom," he tells her, and the weight that's lifted from his chest just by finally admitting out loud what he's kept bottled up inside for so long is like nothing he's ever felt before. "I think I always have. But it's complicated. She...she has this rule about not getting involved with men that she works with. And she doesn't...I mean sometimes I think she might...but I can't be sure. And I can't risk it. Not with Rosie in the middle of it. If things didn't work out, she'd be ruined. I couldn't do that to her. She deserves a happy family, and what we can give her isn't ideal but it's us. And that's what matters."
Lily stares at him for a moment.
"I think you're full of it."
"Excuse me?"
"You're just scared," she scoffs. "You're scared to risk anything because what I did messed you up badly, and don't think I don't hate myself for it every day, but at some point, you have to just get over yourself. You can't go into every relationship you have expecting it to just fall apart. And Rosie's a big girl now, not just some little kid that doesn't understand why Mommy and Daddy can't live under the same roof. Why don't you try talking to her? I think if she knew how you felt, she'd want you to take that risk for the chance of being happy. Don't you?"
"Maybe," Harvey allows, but he knows she's right. He does.
"Look, just at least think about it, would you?" she presses then reaches into her pocket for something. He watches as she fumbles for a moment and then pulls out something that from this distance looks like…
A ring.
"This was your grandmother's," she tells him, holding it so he can see. "I want you to have it."
"Mom-"
"Just take the ring, Harvey," she insists, pressing it against his palm. "Keep it with you as a reminder that your family supports you, no matter what happens. And if things go well with Donna, then you don't have to look for one on your own. Your brother tells me how bad you are at shopping for people."
Harvey rolls his eyes but stuffs the ring into his pocket anyway.
"Thanks, Mom."
She doesn't have a chance to respond before Rosie comes skipping around the corner.
"Ready?" she asks.
"Ready," Harvey nods. "Tell Grandma goodbye."
"Bye, Grandma!" Rosie says warmly as Lily crushes her in a hug.
"Don't you stay away from me for ten more years," Lily scolds, though all in good fun because they all know it isn't Rosie's fault.
The girl giggles, "I won't. Promise."
"I'll hold you to that," Lily nods, and kisses Rosie's cheek.
With that, they're out the door.
The trip home is much less interesting than the trip there, and Rosie ends up falling asleep with her head in his lap for the last two hours, leaving him to his thoughts and the weight of the ring that now occupies his pocket.
There's definitely something appealing about imagining that ring on Donna's finger. There's also definitely something appealing about the three of them being a real family, all in the same house, decorating Christmas cookies and celebrating birthdays and not having his heart break in half every time he has to tell Rosie goodnight. But he knows that as long as he dwells on the family aspect of it, the more he's just going to stress himself out, and that shouldn't be the foundation of his relationship, or theoretical relationship, with Donna. It shouldn't be based on the fact that he wants a happy family, it should be based on the fact that he wants her. And he does. He wants her so badly sometimes he can't think of anything else, no matter how many years he's spent pretending otherwise. He's got a lot of thinking to do for a little while, but he thinks admitting that to himself is a start. He wants Donna, he loves her, and he's going to fight for her. That he's certain of now.
It's odd seeing her again the first time after this revelation when she meets them at Penn Station. Rosie immediately runs to hug her mother and tell her everything about their trip in extra detail. Harvey trails a little farther behind, allowing them to have their own little reunion before he butts in. He watches their twin smiles with a feeling in his chest that he hopes never goes away. When the taxi drops him off at his building, he gives Rosie a kiss and Donna a smile and drags his suitcase into the lobby with a renewed sense of purpose.
Over the next few weeks, he doesn't end up having much time to think about anything other than Mike. Getting his former associate out of prison takes just about every waking moment he has and then some. Donna is, of course, right by his side for every second of it, even when there's little she can do, but he appreciates her support more than she could possibly know. Tuesday nights are basically all he has to live for during those weeks. The few hours of his day where he can be with his family and not think too hard about Mike are cut shorter and shorter, but he treasures them nonetheless. Months go by in a whirlwind. Mike is home, Jessica leaves, Rosie celebrates her eleventh birthday. He never does end up going back to Boston, but he calls his mom every now and then and makes sure Rosie gets the chance to speak to her too.
It isn't until he's officially head of the firm that he realizes things have started to calm down. He gets to thinking about the ring again, about all it symbolizes, and after all this time he's starting to think maybe he ought not to get too far ahead of himself. Donna coming to him the other night, saying she wanted something more but not explaining what she meant by it has him in a tailspin. He has no idea whether she means personally or career-wise, and even if she did mean personally, he can't be sure that means him. After a lot of internal debating and overthinking, he finally comes back to the one person who has always made him feel safe, and he knows what he has to do.
When he turns up at her building that morning before work, she's already outside, which he finds somewhat surprising, seeing as he'd planned his arrival early enough that he'd time to actually surprise her at her door, but it doesn't deter him. He hops out of the car with his most charming smile and approaches her with confidence.
"Harvey," she says, aptly surprised indeed. "What are you doing here?"
"Nothing," he responds in kind. "I was just driving this baby around and remembered how much street parking you had."
She raises an eyebrow, "Is that supposed to impress me?"
"Well, I hope so. It sure impresses me."
"Well, it's nice to see you, but if you wanted an appointment, you should've called," she says stoically. He's glad she decided to play along. Much more fun that way.
"I'm not here for an appointment," he tells her. I'm here to ask you out."
She breaks, laughing a little, "You're serious?"
"I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and…" he pauses for a second, enough for her to jump in.
"Harvey-"
He interrupts before she can ruin things.
"Please, let me finish," he insists. "Things have changed since the last time I saw you. I'm not the same man that I was. I made peace with my family, I got my old associate back, and as of this morning, I'm the head of my firm, and when I thought of sharing that with someone, I thought of you."
She considers this for a moment before responding.
"Well, it doesn't matter because I'm eleven years old and you're way too old for me."
"Rosie-"
"No, I mean it," she replies, deadly serious. "I'm not even a legal adult yet. I know you see these celebrities on Oprah doing whatever they want, and you think you can get away with it because you're rich, but I won't let you. Find someone your own age."
He shakes his head and can't help but laugh at her, "You're something else, you know that?"
She shrugs, "I am who I am."
"Seriously," he presses. "I want to take you out, just you and me. Think of it as an extended birthday present. Something to make up for all the dad and daughter things we didn't get to do when you were little."
She pretends to consider this, "Okay. You guilted me into it, Old Man."
"Old Man? You've been spending too much time with Mike."
"What can I say? I missed the guy."
"Me too," Harvey admits.
They walk for a little while in silence, then she says, "Earlier, about the street parking. That was a joke, right?"
"Yeah."
When he picks her up for their date Friday night, she's wearing something he immediately recognizes as Versace, and he has to control the urge to roll his eyes. She's branding herself as a trust fund kid in middle school, and as much as he hates the idea of people seeing her as a spoiled brat, she does look pretty cute in that dress, so he decides to let it go. Donna jokes him about having her back by 11:00, but she winks at him when Rosie's back is turned, knowing full well it'll be long after midnight before she sees either of them again.
Rosie pesters him about the location of their date no less than a hundred times just from the elevator ride down to the lobby, but he refuses to give in until they're in the car, already on the way. Once they've officially left the city, he reaches into his pocket to fish out the tickets that have practically been burning a hole in it since he put them there an hour ago.
"Okay," he tells her. "You really want to know where we're going?"
"Yes!" she cries. "Finally. Please."
He hands her the tickets, watching as she has a chance to read them before her eyes go wide and her jaw drops.
"Taylor Swift? You got us tickets to Taylor Swift? Harvey! This tour has been sold out for months. How did you do it?"
"I have my ways," he replies mysteriously, wiggling his eyebrows to heighten the effect.
"You know what? I'm too excited to worry about what you did. I don't even care if you killed a guy. We're seeing Taylor Swift. Tonight. Like right now."
"We are," he confirms, smiling to himself. He did good with this one. Really good. "And in case you didn't already notice, those are VIP tickets, meaning we get a meet and greet too."
She squeals a little girly squeal that he rarely ever hears from her and launches herself across the seat as much as she can to give him a hug, "I love you!"
"Love you too, Shortstop," he squeezes her back. "Happy birthday."
A little time goes by, and Rosie seems to finally calm down a bit, when out of the blue she asks, "You're not going to embarrass me, are you?"
"How would I embarrass you?"
"You don't know any of the words!" she says as if it were entirely obvious. "You're going to look like an idiot just sitting there while everyone else is singing along."
"How do you know I don't know any of the words?" he challenges.
She rolls her eyes, "Please. Harvey Specter does not know Taylor Swift."
He looks at her pointedly.
"Ray," he calls to his driver. "Can you turn on some Taylor Swift for us?"
Within seconds, her newest album is blasting through the sound system and he's matching her word for word while Rosie watches first with shock, then with amusement. When the song ends, she's cracking up.
"Okay, okay," she cedes between bouts of giggles. "You proved your point. You know Taylor Swift."
"Well I didn't," he admits. "At least not until I got these tickets, but then I figured I ought to learn. I didn't want to embarrass you."
"You wouldn't," she assures him despite her earlier words. "You never do."
"Really? Maybe I'm failing as a dad, then. I thought that was part of the job description."
Rosie shakes her head, "That wasn't an invitation to start. But I'm sure you'll get there eventually. You haven't been at this dad thing for all too long. Cut yourself some slack."
The concert goes about exactly like he imagined it would. Rosie does a lot of freaking out over things he cannot even begin to comprehend and sings the words to every single song (even things he's never heard before) and he sends a couple of videos to Donna when she gets distracted enough that she doesn't notice. She's expectedly pretty nervous once it's over, which Harvey doesn't really get, but he can relate to on some level. He reminds her to pay attention to her breathing and to try and not get too worked up in her own head, knowing that it won't be that helpful but feeling the need to say so anyways.
He's grateful when it's their turn at least because the anticipation is finally over, and when he watches her hug the singer, the smile on her face is worth every penny he spent on this night. He knows that for a fact. He observes with mild interest as the two carry on a small conversation. Taylor compliments Rosie's shoes, thanks her for coming, asks her if she has any special requests for their photo. Once they're done, Harvey moves forward to collect her, but she doesn't immediately come to him.
"Is this your dad?" Taylor asks Rosie, and she nods. "You're a lucky kid. I don't get a lot of dads back here. They don't seem to find a lot of interest in my music. I think it's just bad taste, but either way, your dad must be pretty great for sticking it out this long."
"He's the best," Rosie tells her, but her smile is completely for Harvey.
"Should we get a picture with Dad?"
Rosie looks at him, "I don't know. What do you think, Dad?"
He hears the way her tone lands on that last word with a mocking voice, but he thinks his heart stops at the sound of it. She hasn't ever called him that before. It's kind of a joke, just because they both know something Taylor doesn't and maybe Rosie was being a little sarcastic, but he loves it.
"Sure," he says. He'd agree to anything in that moment.
Another picture is snapped, and before he knows it, they're heading outside to Ray who's patiently waiting for them.
"Thanks for staying out so late tonight," Harvey tells his driver once they're buckled in. "No more weekends for the rest of the month. Promise."
Ray nods his thanks and begins to drive away, leaving Harvey to look over all the souvenirs he'd apparently purchased for Rosie before the show started. She's rattling on animatedly, telling him to make sure Donna gets their pictures when he finally has to stop her.
"You called me Dad."
"Huh?" she looks up, not having truly heard him.
"Back there, when we were taking pictures, You called me Dad."
"Oh," she blushes slightly. "Yeah, that...that was…"
"I know it was a joke, but I didn't hate it. You could...I don't know. You could call me that, maybe, if you wanted. Only if you want to, though."
She looks him over for a minute, "I'll give it a try...Dad."
He smiles, "Is it weird?"
"Kinda."
"Bad weird?"
"Good weird," she assures him. "It's just gonna take some getting used to, Dad, that's all."
He laughs, "Is this going to be like that scene in Parent Trap when Annie first meets her dad and she has to tack that onto the end of every sentence?"
"I don't know, Dad. Guess we'll just have to see, won't we...Dad?"
He hears it a couple dozen times on the ride home. So much so that by the time he's knocking on Donna's door, it's even starting to feel pretty normal.
"Well hello there," Donna greets them dressed in pajamas and a robe. "I see you two lost track of time. What happened to 11:00?"
"You knew," Rosie attempts to glare at her mother accusingly, but it's hard when she's smiling so much.
"Guilty," Donna admits. "Now get that load of stuff into your bedroom and change your clothes. But make sure to tell Harvey thank you first."
"Thanks, Dad," she tells him with a wink.
"Anytime."
She runs to her room with her things, and he turns to look at Donna who's staring at him with one eyebrow raised.
"Dad, huh?"
"What can I say?" he shrugs innocently. "She really liked the gift."
Donna rolls her eyes, but immediately turns very soft, "Thank you, Harvey."
He has a feeling she means for more than just the concert, but he doesn't ask her to elaborate.
"Like I said. Anytime."
"I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah. Goodnight, Donna."
"Goodnight, Harvey."
There's a second when, if he were braver, he might've been inclined to kiss her. But he's a bit of a coward, and it's late, so he doesn't. He just walks away with a smile on his face and a giddy little feeling in his chest. He was going to fight for her alright, he just had to find a good time to discuss it with Rosie. After tonight, he's pretty sure he's got her approval, but he just never seems to know how to broach the subject. No matter. That was a problem for another day. Tonight, he was going to go home and fall asleep to the sound of his daughter finally calling him "Dad" on loop in his head, and that would just have to do for now.
Yay! Happy times! I love family! I'm gonna go out on a limb and say maybe this next chapter will be a bit faster because I've got a lot of it written already, and it's been one of my favorites to write. And I'm pretty sure it will be a joy to read because, well, it just will. You'll see.
(Side note: I really don't know why these things just keep getting longer. I certainly had not intended this one to be longer than the last, but I packed a lot in there, I guess. Oh well.)
