Even though Whitney and Bobby are barking like crazy since Rachel rang the doorbell, I can still hear the door open as Dad swats them away. They know Rachel and the kind of like Rachel, but Dad hates it whenever they jump up on people, so he always makes them get away from the door when we have company over. For the most part, Whitney and Bobby listen.

I don't know why I told Rachel that she can come inside and we can talk, but I did. I don't think I'm ready to hear her out yet. I don't think I'm ready to face the reality of what she did with Finn. When I think about it, I don't get as angry as I used to get, which I think is good. That's a step in the right direction, isn't it? I don't get angry anymore, I mostly just get sad and I mostly just start thinking about the reasons why she could have done it and I can't come up with any. Maybe if we had been in a bad place before she kissed him I would understand. Maybe if we had just argued and fought like crazy, I would have been able to rationalize why she felt the need to kiss him, and I could try to move on. But we were perfectly fine before she kissed him, so really… I just don't know.

"Hey, Rachel," I hear Dad greet her from the hallway and I sit up. "What do you need, sweetie?"

"Is Quinn up?" She asks even though she knows I am. It's good that Mom and Dad don't seem to be holding a grudge against her. It's good to know that even when I do forgive her eventually, she'll still be welcomed by them. "I just wanted to see her… make sure she's doing okay, you know."

"Yeah, she's in there on the couch. She's not feeling real well, but she —"

"Who's that at the door, Jare?" Mom calls out from the kitchen. She's been really weird about who's allowed to come and visit me. She's been acting like my own personal security guard in a way, but I'm not all that worried. I think she's still just really upset about what happened when my mom showed up at the hospital.

I see Mom shuffle into the hallway from the corner of my eye and I can't help but wonder if she's going to let Rachel through or if she's going to tell her that she has to leave and let me rest like she told Tina a little bit ago.

"Oh," Mom sounds like she has a smile in her voice. "Hey, Rachel. You here to see Quinn, baby?" Baby. She called her "baby." Mom really does still like Rachel. That's really good to know.

"Yeah, is she… I texted her and she said she's okay, so I just… but if you want me to leave, I'll go." Rachel seems nervous and I wonder what she's nervous about. I mean, it sure seems like they still like her, so there's no need to be worried about it. Maybe it's Mercedes she's worried about.

"She up in the living room laying on the couch. You can go 'head in and see her." I hear the door close after Mom says that and that's how I know Rachel's officially been allowed inside.

Luckily, Mercedes went upstairs to change out of her school clothes, so she's not here. Thank god she isn't, because I can only put out one small fire at a time. I'm barely ready to hear Rachel's excuse for kissing Finn. I can't handle extinguishing their hatred for each other too.

"Um," Rachel clears her throat. "I was actually wondering if… um," she clears her throat again. "I was wondering if I could borrow Quinn. Just for a little while, like maybe half an hour? I know she just home and probably needs to rest, but I swear we'll back in half an hour and I promise we'll be sitting the entire time."

"Ah, Rachel," Mom sucks her teeth. "I dunno about all that. She really needs to stay up in this house and I don't really want her to be out and about when it's cold outside. Maybe some other time."

Where is Rachel trying to go? She said we'll be sitting the entire time, so it's probably not anywhere far. But still. I don't really want to go anywhere with her. I barely want to sit down and listen to what she has to say… good job telling her no, Mom. Thanks for that.

"I think it might be good for her to go, 'Trice." Dad chimes in and I think this might end up being the first time I hear Mom and Dad argue… "She's doing okay. She's been in there on that couch all day. She's okay, she can walk and stuff. Might do her some good to get out and go somewhere. Might make her feel normal again."

Dad… what?!

"She just got home. You 'spect me to let her go up out the house the day she get home from the hospital?"

"It's not like she's fragile or anything. She can walk, she's coherent. All I'm saying is that we can't shelter her forever. Let the girl go out with Rachel. She said they'll be resting the whole time and she's been resting since she got home. Ain't no reason she can't go rest with Rachel."

"Jared, I..." Mom sighs hard. "...Half an hour, Rachel. Mmkay? You have her back in half an hour."

"I promise I will." Now Rachel sounds like she has a smile in her voice too. "Half an hour and not a minute later. I promise."

Great… I can't take it back and tell her I don't want to go anywhere with her because I already told her I was willing to talk and it would be a little messed up if I turned around and told her I don't want to talk now that she drove all the way over here and stuff. So it looks like I'm stuck going somewhere with the big cheater.

This is just great.


"Two large Tropical Banana Smoothies?" The cashier says as soon as he opens the drive-thru window. "It's going to be $9.49." Rachel nods and hands him her credit card.

She's been acting really weird ever since I got off the couch. I tried to go upstairs and put on regular pants since all I've been wearing is pajama pants all day, but she stopped me and told me I didn't need to go put regular pants on. Then she kept opening the doors for me, which isn't that unusual since we usually take turns when opening the door. But she's just been really chipper and cheerful and it kind of makes me want to throw up, punch her or both. She's acting like everything is fine between us, like she didn't cheat on me and like I didn't almost die. It feels like I walked into The Twilight Zone. I don't like this feeling.

"Thank you," Rachel smiles at the cashier when he hands her our two orange drinks and I feel something inside of me come completely undone.

I forgot how much I missed seeing her smile and… well, I guess I just really wish that smile was directed at me again. I'm trying to still be mad at her and I'm trying to hold onto the fact that I walked in on her kissing Finn, but seeing her smile like that… I don't think I can anymore. I don't think I can erase the way I feel about her and I don't think I'm strong enough to even try.

She taps her foot on the gas pedal and pulls into the nearest spot in the Baskin-Robbins parking lot, and it's like my fist is finally unclenching, only I didn't know I had it balled up into one in the first place. The tension in my shoulders is released, my tongue is pulled away from the roof of my mouth, and I'm breathing. I'm in the car right next to Rachel. This is real. I can reach over and touch her if I wanted to, I can smell the scent of her perfume surrounding me. I missed her. I missed having her around me, I missed knowing that she is here. Even during the times where we'd sit in her room and watch a movie saying absolutely nothing, and even the times when she'd lay on my lap and we'd both just be scrolling through our phones. I missed her presence.

"Is it okay?" She asks, nodding her head toward the untouched smoothie still in the cupholder. I haven't touched it yet, and she's making it known that she noticed. "I can, like, get you another one if you want a different flavor."

I pluck the paper off the top of the straw and swirl it around before I bring it to my lips and take a sip. I know Rachel well enough to know that she didn't plan on taking me out for smoothies. She came over and expected me to be upstairs in my room or something and when she realized that I was downstairs and we wouldn't have any privacy unless I moved from the couch, she decided to ask Mom if I could come out on a whim. She didn't plan this, but if I asked her, she'd say that she figured having a smoothie would make my throat feel better. While I know she didn't think this through, I think maybe the second part is true. We could have gone anywhere in the world, just the two of us with a full gas tank. But she decided an ice cream parlor was the best way to go because she knows I have a very sore throat.

See, that's the part of her that I can't let go of. That's the part of her I love. It's easy to sit here and think about how angry and hurt and confused I was to see her with her lips wrapped around Finn's lips, but then there's the part of her who thinks about things like if my throat hurts and that's what makes me love her, you know?

"Good." I mumble to her, wincing at the way the smoothie burns as it runs down my throat. It doesn't hurt as bad as it hurts when I suck on the Oreos and swallow those. The coldness actually does feel kind of good, but it burns. "Thanks."

"It's okay," she half-smiles sadly, then uses her straw to stir her smoothie just to avoid making eye contact with me. She wanted to talk, but now that we're together and it's time to actually do it, she doesn't have anything to say. Maybe she just doesn't know where to start.

"You cold?" She tucks a piece of her hair behind her ear and leans forward to turn the heat up a little. "I can put the heat up a little higher if you're cold, it's no big deal."

"I'm fine." I say and I know I probably sound like I'm being short with her but I don't mean to. It just hurts to talk, so I'd rather not say anything that I don't need to say. I take another sip and it burns a little less this time.

Even though I said I'm fine, she still reaches across my lap and opens the vent next to me to ensure I'm getting whatever the heat is kicking off. I'm sure she's noticed that I haven't made eye contact with her since we've been together, and I'm sure it's bothering her. But I can't look at her, I just can't. If I look at her, then all I'm going to see is the look in her eyes that I saw when I started to lose consciousness in the hospital after she and Mercedes argued, and I don't want to see that. Maybe it's an even playing field now because she broke my heart and I scared the hell out of her, but I never wanted to do that to her. I can't look in her eye and see the pain I've caused. I'm sure she probably thinks I won't look at her because of what she did with Finn, but that's not the case.

I do break the ice, though. I realize that I can't just not look at her for the entire time we're together, so I break the ice by glancing at her while she's trying to open my vent. And the first thing I see is the large, softball sized bruise on her cheek. It starts at the lobe of her ear and extends all the way down to the tip of her chin. From the lobe of her ear, it curves up to the top of her cheekbone and stops at her nostril. I can even see where the skin on her lip was split at the corner of her mouth. The rims of the bruise are turning yellow so it'll probably be gone soon, but it still looks like it really hurts.

I'm really gentle with the way I reach out and stroke my fingers across it.

She sits upright really fast when she feels me touch her and for a second, I think that maybe I hurt her, so I pull away. But I can tell that I didn't by the way her hand goes up to her cheek in place of mine and I don't see any signs of pain on her face.

"...Okay?" I ask her, and she understands me as a person. She understands me enough that I don't need to add the " are you" before the "okay."

"I'm okay," she nods. "Don't worry about it, it's just a bruise."

"Ow."

"Yeah, well," she slips her tongue inside her cheek like she's thinking, and parts of the bruise sort of disappear when the skin pops out. "I deserved it, so."

"No."

"No, seriously, Quinn," she puts her smoothie in the cupholder and turns her head so she's facing me. "I did. I'm not too proud to admit that I did. Mercedes was right. I did know. I knew all along that you were throwing up and I did absolutely nothing to stop you." She exhales long and hard through her nose. "I guess I was just hoping that it wasn't as big a problem as it was. And I didn't really want to step on your toes when you were already seeing a therapist."

Maybe Mercedes blames her for knowing and not doing anything, but I don't. In all honesty, there wasn't anything Rachel could have done to stop me. There wasn't anything anyone could have done. I've been this way for a very long time and in my naïveté, I never thought it was going to get that bad. In a way, it feels like my eating disorder is a part of me. It's woven so intricately into every fiber of my being that nothing I do isn't revolved around it. I eat breakfast and immediately I'm thinking about what I have to cut out of my lunch to make up for the extra calories I consumed at breakfast. I'd eat dinner and then I'd feel guilty. Then the days when I'd go on a binge, I'd eat until it hurt and wouldn't stop until I knew that it was all out of me and into the toilet. It's just a part of who I am. Rachel couldn't have changed that. Nobody can.

"I thought you were gonna die, Quinn." Her jaw starts to tremble after she says that and she puts her head against the steering wheel. She's loud when she sucks in a deep breath and I can tell she's crying.

I'm so sorry. Really, I am. I… I stole something from everyone that night, didn't I? I stole everyone's peace. Bailey talked to me about that way back when she first started seeing me for trying to kill myself, and I think I finally understand what she meant. I didn't get it back then, but I understand it now.

Everyone is afraid now. I can't go upstairs and use the bathroom without Mom worrying that I'm up there throwing up, I can't have a really bad day at school without Mercedes worrying that I'm going to try to kill myself, and I can't lock myself in my room to cry with my phone off without Rachel worrying that I'm dead. I can't do that anymore because I stole something from them. I stole their sense of security. They fear for me now because of my actions and my actions do not only affect me. I affect everyone around me. I'm not the only one who went through what I went through. I'm not the only one who was afraid that night. I affect them because they care about me. I affect them because they love me.

"Sorry," I have to bite my lip to keep the tears in my eyes. I rest my hand in the middle of Rachel's back and watch her in silence as she cries. She cries because I scared her. She cries over the thought of losing me. "I'm so sorry, Rachel…" I whisper, not only because it hurts to talk louder.

"No, I'm sorry Quinn," she picks her head up and her face is red and blotchy, but she pulls ur together. She sniffs and clears her throat. "It's me who's sorry, not you. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you when you needed me and I'm sorry that I haven't been a better girlfriend, and I am… SO… sorry that I kissed Finn."

Oh yeah, that's right. You did. I forgot about it for a minute. One glorious minute.

"I don't have an excuse," she shakes her head and her jaw trembles some more. Really…? Well. At least you're honest, I guess. "I know you're probably waiting for this big long explanation and this excuse for what I did, but I can't give you one because I don't have one. There's no excuse for it. I shouldn't have done it, you didn't deserve it, and there's no excuse for it."

Yep, she's honest. At least she's got that going for her.

"I guess I thought it would… make me feel something? I don't know. I… don't know. I was hoping that I would feel something when I kissed him but I felt… I felt nothing. The whole bus ride there, the whole time we were getting ready, the whole time we were rehearsing, I felt nothing. You kissed me and I felt nothing, you fingered me, I felt nothing, we watched a movie, I felt nothing, then I kissed him and I realized you saw me and then… I felt everything again." She's crying in a way that I have never seen Rachel cry before and I'm a little worried… I'm more worried than angry or hurt… I think something's wrong with her… I think something happened… I knew she was acting weird on the bus ride to regionals… I knew it...

But I don't interrupt because she's on a roll explaining herself and I think I should let her finish before I say anything.

"I didn't mean anything to me, Quinn. And I know, I know that's what everyone in the history of cheating says, but I SWEAR to you… I swear on my LIFE that it meant nothing. I'm… I'm sorry that it was Finn and I'm sorry that you had to see it and I wish to god it was anyone but him, but it was him. I could have been anyone… if I had a duet that I was rehearsing with Brittany, it would've been Brittany. If I had a duet with Blaine, it would have been Blaine. I'm so sorry that it was Finn, but I just… I had to feel something. I had to feel something, I couldn't walk around feeling nothing anymore."

I try to hand her some of the napkins they gave us from our smoothies, but she doesn't take them. She should really take them, though. Her face is soaked and she's crying so much and so hard that her coat is getting wet too.

"I wish they would have waited until after regionals to tell me, but I knew something was up and they never lie to me, so when I asked, they… they just…" She finally takes the napkins as new sobs rock her body.

"What are you talking about?" I ask, trying to resist the urge to reach over and hold my hand. It is so hard not to comfort her right now when all I want to do is pull her close to me and kiss her cheek until she calms down. "Who told you what?"

"They're separating…" She takes a breath and rolls her eyes up to the ceiling. "I got up in the middle of the night — which I never do — and I saw him on the couch. I went back up to my room and tried to pretend like I didn't know what I saw, but… they were acting different, you know? The next morning at breakfast, Daddy didn't make Dad's coffee like he always does. And Dad put ham in my omelet when he knows I don't eat meat. It was just different. So…. so I asked. I asked why Daddy slept on the couch last night. And they told me…"

"Oh," I feel my own throat closing up and tears threatening to fall. "Rachel…" I finally hold her hand. She lets me squeeze it. "I'm sorry…"

"They say it's just temporary or whatever, but… I dunno, it feels pretty permanent to me?" She dabs her eyes with the napkin. "All my dad's clothes are out of the closet, and they don't have a joint bank account anymore. It feels permanent. They asked me how I felt about it and I… I didn't say anything because I didn't feel anything. I felt nothing, Quinn. Nothing. But now… now it feels like my parents are gone. I don't know who they are without each other."

I use my thumbs to wipe away two fresh tears that trickle down her cheeks. "That's what was wrong on the bus? Because I knew, I just didn't really know if I should say anything. But I knew something was up. I knew."

"I wanted to tell you, and I was gonna tell you. I was gonna tell you. I knew you'd notice, I knew you'd see that I wasn't really playing the dodgeball game with you guys and that's why I kept wanting to go to sleep and I wasn't really talking during the movie and… I wanted to talk to you about it. But then you started telling me all that heavy stuff about your dad and your sister, and I just… I didn't think it was the right time."

"You should've told me," I reach over and grab her other hand too. "Look at me… You could have told me. There's nothing in this world that is more important to me than how you feel and if you were going through something like that…" I rub her hands with my thumbs. "You could have told me."

"I just didn't want to seem like I was trying to make my issues more important than yours," she sighs and looks into my eyes.

"So tell me now," I bring her hands up to my lips and kiss them. "You couldn't tell me then, so tell me now."

"Quinn."

"I'm serious, Rachel. Don't worry about me, I'm fine. I don't matter right now, I don't need you to hold me up. I'm not fragile, I'm not going to break. All I care about is you. Tell me now. What's going on? How are you feeling?"

She looks down at our smoothies in the cupholder and hesitates for a moment before she starts speaking again, like she's going through her mind and gathering the words. "...It's like I don't know what love is anymore. Which… sounds stupid, I know. Everyone goes through a separation these days and everyone gets a divorce, so I know, it sounds stupid. But it's the truth. I feel like… like my whole life I looked up to them. I watched people stare when they held hands in public, even heard one of my dance instructors imply that they're both going to hell. You know, there was this one time where we went to the mall to buy me new leotards. They were holding hands as we were walking out of the store and I heard someone yell something at them… called them the f-a-g word or something like that, I don't really remember. But they kissed each other right in front of the person who yelled at them just to prove a point I guess. And next thing I know, my dad's on the floor and someone's kicking him and security steps in front of me and pulls the guy away but turns to my dads and tells them that they shouldn't be spreading that "bullshit" around or something like that. And you know what?"

Wow… that's terrible. She really had to watch that happen…? I had no idea…

"What?" I reply and I feel a little sick to my stomach listening to this story.

"My dads just turned around and held hands again," she shrugs. "And that was the moment that I knew — I mean really knew — what love is. I'm not going to lie and say that it didn't scare the crap out of me and I'd be lying if I said watching them go through that isn't part of the reason I really didn't want to be gay, but… I just always looked at them and thought that I'd be lucky if I could find their kind of love someday. And I don't know what that kind of love is. He kissed somebody, Quinn…"

"Who?"

"My dad."

"No, I meant who did he kiss?"

"Some guy at his office, I don't know. But he came home and told my dad about it. I guess it happened a few weeks ago and they were trying to work through it but I guess they can't because now they're separating." She picks the napkin she used to wipe her face into small pieces. "I was just trying to make sense of it."

I see… I still don't like it, but I think I understand it…

"When we started dating, I felt like I found it. I know I told you that I loved you like… five seconds after we started dating and I know that it was soon, but I really felt it. I felt it and I thought I found that kind of love that my dads had. I couldn't really understand why he would kiss somebody else when they loved each other as much as they did and I thought… I thought that maybe if I could understand it, I would be able to make sense of it and forgive it." She looks up at me with wide, sorrowful eyes. I can tell that she really is sorry… "I'm sorry that it was Finn. But it would've been whoever was there at the moment, I swear."

"I get it," I nod my head. "I mean, I'm still pretty pissed about it and yeah, I wish it would've been someone else, but I get it. I'm sorry that you had to go through that with your dads alone. I'm sorry that you couldn't talk to me about it." I sigh. "...Finn, though? Rachel, really? Finn?"

"If it means anything to you, I talked to him about it. He came to me and told me that he was willing to fight for me if that's what it took and I told him not to. I told him there's no use in fighting for me when it's going to be you. It's going to be you every single time, Quinn." She says and that makes me smile. For what it's worth, I would pick her every time, too.

"...You know, I planned on asking you to winter formal." I lick my lips out of pure nervous habit. "Before all this shit happened."

"You did?!" Her face lights completely up and this is the Rachel I missed. I missed the Rachel that made me feel like everything is magic, even her smile. "Winter formal?! You actually want to go?!"

"I had a whole thing planned, actually. I was gonna ask you on the bus at regionals in front of everybody. Santana said I should. She said I should make a big spectacle. A… winter formal-posal, she called it. I was gonna —"

"Quinn, don't," she puts her finger against my lips to shush me. "You don't have to make a big deal out of it. Of course I'll go to winter formal with you if you're feeling better by then."

"I'll be better," I nod my head with a certain amount of determination because now, I have to be. I have to be better. I won't miss winter formal for the world. I WILL be better by then, even if it kills me. "...One more thing? Since we're being honest?"

"Anything."

"...I kissed my therapist."


A/N: Sorry for the long wait for an update on this story! I was on vacation in South Carolina for a week and didn't really have time to write, but I should update regularly again now that I'm back home. I plan on ending this story by the end of the month, so I should be cranking out updates pretty quickly.

And just to let you guys know, I started a new story. It's called The Keeper, and it's really different from All The Best but I think you guys might like it. It's going to be a really cool story and it follows Rachel and Quinn equally. So check it out and let me know what you guys think so far! If you don't like it by the time I'm ten chapters in, I have another idea that I might try out instead. So just let me know your thoughts.

I love you guys and I missed you over my vacation! :D