I use my index finger to plug the top when I shake the bottle, just to make sure that formula doesn't come spraying out of the nipple. Amongst all my pillows, Beth sits at the top of my bed, and she watches me like a hawk while I mix it. I realize that she's probably starving, Bc age she hasn't eaten in the three hours that I've had her. I sort of feel like a bad mother because I haven't fed my child, but I swear I didn't expect to be at my old house for as long as we were. Had I known that we were going to spend an hour there, I would have packed a bottle to bring along.

I know every mother on the planet thinks their baby is special and really cute, but Beth truly is special and really cute. Even when she's staring at me, waiting for the bottle in my hands, I can't take how cute she is. It makes me want to pick her up and squeeze her and I wonder if Shelby feels this way all the time because it's probably exhausting.

"So…" Rachel unties the drawstrings on her pajama pants and steps out of them. "Do you want to talk about it? Or would you rather just… you know?"

"We can talk about it." I shrug my shoulders and hand Beth her bottle. She stuffs it in her mouth like she truly was starving waiting for it, and I can't help but smile at her. Everything she does feels like magic to me, I don't know.

I plop down on the bed next to Beth and pull her a little bit closer to me, just so I can cuddle her while she eats. In nothing but her t-shirt and the pair of black lace underwear that I love on her, Rachel stands in front of my mirror and brushes her hair up into a ponytail. I wonder what Mom would think if she came in the room right now, and saw that Rachel is in her underwear. I wonder if she'd say anything or if she'd just let it go. I wonder if maybe I should give Rachel a pair of shorts to sleep in, even though her sleeping in a t-shirt and underwear isn't out of the ordinary. I just wonder if maybe we shouldn't push the boundaries when Mom's already been pretty chill about letting her sleep over.

"Well?" Rachel asks, swinging the curtain of her long brown hair over her shoulder to brush the tangles out of it from the other side. "Did she say anything about the interview with the social worker? Did she say anything about Beth?"

"Her interview with the social worker isn't until Friday, so no. She didn't say anything about that." I shift Beth so that she's laying down at a certain angle, because I read on a mommy blog while I was pregnant that babies can choke if they're lying flat while they eat. "It was kind of weird, honestly. She tried to make it seem like she wasn't staring at Beth, but she totally was. Which… okay, I understand. She's her granddaughter and she's pretty damn cute, so like, I would stare too. But it was awkward because she kept trying to like, hide the fact that she was staring. I dunno."

"That's it? She just stared?" She ties her hair into loose ponytail then pulls the blankets back on my bed. "Did she cry?"

"She did, actually, which I thought was weird. My mother doesn't cry, Rachel." I scoot over a little so she has more room when she gets between the sheets. "In the entire seventeen years, one month and seven days that I've known Judy Fabray, I can only recall her crying three times. She doesn't cry. But she cried tonight and it made me feel weird."

"How so?"

"I guess…" I lean back and rest my head against my headboard. "Mostly, it just made me feel uncomfortable. Because I walked into that house fully intending on being mad at her, you know? I walked in there, and my sole intention was just for her to see Beth. I was still mad at her for what happened at the hospital and stuff. But then she started crying and I started to feel bad for her when I really didn't want to."

"Well… do you regret it? Do you regret letting her meet Beth?" She asks. She rolls onto her side so that she's facing me and Beth, and the way she uses her fingers to stroke Beth's chubby cheek makes me feel like I'm living out a fantasy.

A fantasy in which I kept Beth and didn't give her to Shelby. And it's just a typical Wednesday night in the house, you know? We ate dinner and now it's time for bed because Rachel and I have to go to school in the morning, and Mom and Dad are going to keep Beth like they always do until I get home. And Rachel isn't Beth's sister. No, Rachel is more like Beth's other mother. Because we're dating and we love each other and she cares about Beth just as much as I do and this is how we spend our every weeknight. We lie in bed while Beth gets her bedtime bottle and we stare at her and love on her and enjoy each other's company. That's my favorite fantasy.

"I don't know," I admit. "It's like I don't think I made a mistake or anything. But then there's also a part of me that thinks that maybe she didn't deserve to meet Beth… and that's selfish, I know."

"It's not selfish," Rachel shakes her head and looks at me instead of Beth. "I don't know why you feel the need to hold yourself to this ridiculously high standard, but it's not selfish.

"What do you mean?" I wrinkle my eyebrows when I look at her.

"I mean that you treat yourself like you're inhuman but you're not." She uses her free hand — the one that's not supporting her body — to tilt Beth's bottle up to a higher angle so she can suck out the last few drops. "You allow everybody else to be human and feel human emotions, but when it comes to yourself, you're super hard. What if it was Frannie? What if Frannie was the one who told you she felt like it was selfish to not want your mom to meet Beth? Would you still think she's selfish?"

"Well, no," I start to explain myself and Rachel is dead silent so I know I have her attention. "I would totally understand if it were Frannie, but that's different. My dad did something horrible to Frannie. She has a reason to keep her children away from Russel and Judy."

"See? That's what I mean. Why can't you give yourself the same courtesy? Why hold yourself to an impossible standard if you're not gonna hold anybody else to the same one? It doesn't make you selfish because you want to keep Beth away from them. It makes you human." She sits up straight and pulls Beth onto her lap to burp her since she finished her bottle. "Yeah, maybe your dad didn't do what he did to Frannie to you, but he did other things… things that still haunt you."

"I hate it when you're right," I mumble and use my thumb to wipe the remnants of formula off Beth's chin. "It just seems stupid to me, I guess. Like maybe I should let bygones be bygones because they're my parents. And even though she's never really shown it, I know my mom loves me."

"You know you can forgive her without forgetting, right?" She nudges me with her elbow once she gets Beth to burp. "The two aren't mutually exclusive. Just because you forgive her doesn't mean you're forgetting everything she's ever done. It just means that you're done letting it control you. It means you're done being angry about it. Same with your dad."

I don't say anything back to that because… well… the truth is that I don't have anything to say at all. I don't have anything to say because she's right and I know she's right and I'm letting what she just said fully sink in. It's like when you first take your bread out of the toaster and spread butter on it. The toast doesn't immediately get soggy. It doesn't get soggy until the butter melts and sets into all the nooks and crannies of the bread. That's what Rachel just said is like. It's like spreading butter on toast and I'm letting it sink in.

I wonder if she knows just how important what she just said is to me. I wonder if she knows that she spoke to me about more than just my parents by saying that.

There's a small part of me that wants to open my mouth and tell her that I think I need to forgive Puck, too. If I'm going along with this whole idea of forgiving people for the sake of me moving on, then I think it's only fair that I forgive Puck for raping me too. But that part of me is small, so I'm able to ignore it and let the other part of me — the bigger part that knows I've done enough deep soul searching for one day — take over.

So I tuck that little tidbit about forgiveness away. I tuck it somewhere in the back of my mind where I know it'll be safe until I decide to find it on a rainy day.

"You sure you're gonna get enough rest for school, sleeping over here like this?" I ask her as I sweep a piece of hair away from her beautiful face.

"Oh, I'll be fine," she nods and cradles Beth in her arms like she's going to put her to sleep. Beth shouldn't be tired, though. She took a nap when she first got here. "It sure beats the hell out of being home. Is it bad that I don't even want to be in my house anymore?"

"No, I know the feeling," I roll my eyes but not to be smart, just to let her know that I empathize with her. "I'm really sorry you had to spend your birthday here. And I'm sorry it was so crappy."

"Who said it was crappy?" She says to me, but her attention is fully on Beth and she smiles so honestly and wide when Beth puts her hand against her cheek. "I think it was pretty great. I got to spend it with the person I care about. I couldn't have asked for anything else, I just did NOT want to be home today."

"What about Kurt?" I ask and I know she's probably confused about what I mean, so I'll explain. But I just had to ask while it was on the tip of my tongue. "Is he your Mercedes?"

"My Mercedes…?" She replies as she leans over the edge of my bed and grabs the package of Oreos we stashed away back when we were watching Extreme Couponing. She opens the package and takes one out that she can share with Beth.

"Yeah." I grab an Oreo from the package and twist it until the top cookie pulls away from the cream. As she chews on her cookie, Rachel's eyebrow raises like she's silently asking me what I mean. "I just mean that…" My voice trails off becauseI have to think of how to say exactly what I want to say. "When I felt like you… like when I didn't want to be home, I mean. I came here. Mercedes… She made me forget why I didn't want to be home. She gave me some place safe. Is Kurt your Mercedes?"

"You know, Quinn," she licks her lips free of cookie crumbs and swallows. "I don't know. I know it sounds really bratty and entitled and probably even a little spoiled, but I never had to go through that. You know? Up until this, I never felt like I didn't want to go home. I never needed a place to run to." She's silent for a few moments, but I know that she's just thinking. "I guess… I guess it would be Shelby. Ever since things hit the fan with my dads, I've been kinda hanging out over at her house."

"You have?"

"Yeah," she nods. "Like last night, I went over and sat with her and Beth for a little. She made breakfast for dinner and I ate with her. It… it made me feel kinda sad, actually."

"Why?" I pause on my own chewing so I can hear her as clearly as possible.

"It just made me think about what I missed out on. I have a mom who makes breakfast for dinner… and I went sixteen years without ever knowing her." A sad kind of smile pulls at her lips, but she's pretty efficient at wiping it away. She just takes a bite out of another cookie and starts chewing like everything is fine.

"...I'm sorry it couldn't be me," I whisper and I didn't realize just how much I actually wanted to be that person for Rachel until I realized that I'm not. I wish I could've been there when she needed me. I wish I could have been the one she ran to. I wish I wasn't so tied up in my own shit.

"Don't be," she shakes her head at me. "Sorry, I mean. Don't be. I'm just glad that you're okay. I don't think I would have made it if you weren't. With my dads and everything… I don't know what I would have done if something happened to you, too." She bites down on her bottom lip. "...I think I might have done it."

"Done what?"

"Don't make me say it, Quinn," she rolls her eyes at me but just like I rolled my eyes at her, it's not in the smart kind of way. In her case, it seems like she rolled them to keep herself from crying because her eyes are glossy.

I nod my head just one time and that's all I need for her to know that I get what she was trying to say. And it's weird, because I get why I did what I did when I did that. Tried to kill myself, I mean. I know my reasons and I can understand my reasons and rationalize my reasons and I'm able to tell myself that I should suck it up. But it's weird because with Rachel, it mostly just makes me sad to think about her ever feeling that low. It breaks my heart to think that she could ever feel the same way I felt in those desperate moments.

"...I never thought of it that way," she says, louder than the voice she was just talking in, but still pretty quiet. "But you just said all that stuff. About having a Mercedes and stuff. And I never thought of it that way." She clears her throat then looks at me instead of down at Beth. "...She means a lot to you. Mercedes, I mean. She's really important to you."

"SO important, Rachel." I can't help smiling when I think about her. Mercedes really is my best friend and I know Rachel might not be able to understand that, but it's okay. She doesn't have to understand it, she just has to accept it for what it is. "You know, she's the only person in this world that I can just look at. I can just shoot Mercedes a look and she just knows what I mean. She knows what I'm thinking, all I have to do is look. And I've never had that with anybody before. Ever."

"She's your C.C.," Rachel half-smiles, but I don't think she's upset. I think she's just taking it in.

"My what?"

"To your Hilary. She's the C.C. to your Hilary."

I forgot about Beaches… wow, me and Rachel have come a long way… we've come a long way from watching Beaches in her bedroom and trying to pretend like we didn't have crushes on each other….

"Yeah," I half-smile too. "Yeah, I guess she is." I pop another piece of Oreo into my mouth and suck on it until it's soft enough for me to swallow. "...It really did suck to see you guys arguing like that. And ur sucked to have to choose between you for that whole solo shit storm."

"I know, I know. But you can't keep holding that against me. I apologized…" She sighs. "But I'll keep apologizing if you need to hear me say it. I'm sorry for doing that to you. I'm sorry for making you feel like you have to choose."

"Yeah, that can never happen again. Okay? You can't ever make me choose like that. Because I won't." I reach over and hold her hand just because I think it's important for her to know that I do still love her even though I can't choose. "I want you to know that I do still plan on talking to her, because she can't hit you. She —"

"Quinn, seriously," she squeezes my hand. "It's fine. Trust me on this. It was just a slap. I'm sure it won't be the last time someone slaps me, it's not a big deal. Plus, we talked about it. It's water under the bridge."

"Well, yeah. Maybe. But still," I bring her hand up to my mouth and kiss it. "She can't hit you. Like, ever. That's not cool. I don't ever want to have to choose between you two, but she can't hit you. And you can't ever make me choose."

"I won't," she promises. "Ever."

"Good. Because I can't. I'm not saying that you'll lose and I'm not saying that she'll lose. I'm saying that I can't choose and I won't choose. Ever. You guys are both my favorite people in the world. I love you both equally, just in different ways."

"I know, babe," she lies her head on my shoulder. "I know. We talked."

"...Babe?" I say, trying my hardest to keep myself from laughing because Beth is trying to fall asleep on Rachel's lap.

"Shut up. It slipped." She swats me with the back of her hand and laughs and I swear to god, I feel like this moment is magic.

I never once considered if I was happy that I didn't succeed in killing myself. I just never asked myself that question. It's always just been something that's been absolute and concrete, I never gave it anymore abstract thought. I mean, the fact is that I tried to kill myself by swallowing a bunch of pills. That's a fact. I didn't succeed. Also a fact. Trying to kill myself was just another thing I could add to my ever-growing list of things that I can't do right. Fact.

But I never thought about if I was happy to be alive or not and I can say without a shadow of doubt in my mind that at this moment… I absolutely am. I have this feeling in my gut. It's warm and tingly and it's kind of like that feeling of satisfaction you get when you pop a really big pimple or scratch the dry spots off your scalp. It's the feeling of knowing that everything is going to be okay.

I'm glad I stuck around to form a relationship with my baby. I'm glad I got to know Shelby. I'm glad I got to see through a relationship with Rachel and glad I got to see myself get closer to Mercedes. I'm glad I got to learn what it's like to lean on family for support and glad I stuck around to get to know Santana past the bitch facade she has. I'm glad I got to have a therapist as caring as Bailey. I'm glad I stuck around long enough to see that I could get better…

"Quinn?" She says my name softly because Beth's eyes are fluttering shut as Rachel strokes her cheek.

"Yep?"

"...I wanna move to New York."

Okay….? I purse my lips together to stifle a laugh so that I don't startle a very sleepy Beth, but it doesn't really work. Instead, air comes shooting out of my clenched lips and making an even bigger noise. Beth doesn't seem to care, though.

"Okay!" I laugh. "I'll get right on that. I'll look up apartments as soon as Shelby comes to get Beth, I promise!"

"Stop, I'm serious!" She swats me again. "Like after graduation next year, obviously. But I'm serious. I wanna move to New York."

"Okay," I agree just to indulge her little fantasy. I don't know where I want to go to college yet but New York seems like it'd be a bit much for me. I want to get the hell out of Lima for sure, but New York? Can't we aim a little lower? "Columbia's in New York. That's Ivy League, isn't it?"

"Yeah," she nods. "You can go to Columbia and I'll go to NYADA. There's Cornell, too."

"Eh, Cornell's barely Ivy League. You know, I was kinda aiming for Princeton or Yale…" I make my voice sound like I'm annoyed with her, but I'm not really. I'm just messing with her. "...But I'll shoot for Columbia. Only for you."

"You're gonna love New York." She scoots even closer to me so that we're full on cuddling instead of the half-assed cuddles. "They have good pizza and hot dogs."

"We're gonna make it our mission, okay? We're gonna try a hot dog at every vendor in the entire state."

"So now you want me to eat meat?" She nudges me.

"Eh, we can make it cheese pizza. We'll try a slice of cheese pizza from every pizza shop in the state. Better deal?"

"Well…" she sighs with mock dramatics. "You're giving up Yale and Princeton for me, so… I guess I can eat a few hundred hot dogs for you. I can't promise I'll like them, though."

"Everybody likes hot dogs, Rachel." I rest my head against hers and inhale the scent of her shampoo. "Are we getting an apartment or are we going to live on our respective campuses?"

"Living on campus would be way cheaper, don't you think?" She muses. "But then you definitely have to get into Columbia so we'll be in the same city. I don't know how far away Cornell is from NYADA, but I know it's in a city called Ithaca and that just sounds like it's in the boonies somewhere."

"Okay, Columbia it is." I can't stop smiling through this entire conversation. I know this probably isn't how things are going to pan out for us, but it's nice to dream. "Maybe we can get a really nice house on the upper east side when we graduate."

"Ooh, or an apartment. Like one of the ones from Gossip Girl!" She gets a little too excited and Beth stirs, but she calms down pretty quickly.

"I could get down with that." I shrug. "You sure you won't want to move to California to do movies or something?"

"No, my heart lies in theater." She shakes her head and yawns and now that she yawned, I realize that I'm kind of tired too. "...Do you want a baby?"

"Do you?!" Honestly no, Rachel. I don't. One was enough. I'm never going through that shit again.

"I think a baby would be cool!" She beams. "It'll look like Beth. But with my dark skin. Tell me you can't see it. A little girl with olive skin and blonde hair and green eyes. She'd be so pretty…"

"Are you having it?" I raise my eyebrow at her and she laughs but I'm being dead serious. "Because I'm not. I'm not getting pregnant again."

"Come on, Quinn! You did it once!"

"Yeah and once was enough! You wait, you'll see. Once the pains start shooting in your ASS, you'll see!"

"In your butt? Babies don't come out of your butt, they —"

"YEAH I THOUGHT THE SAME THING, YET THERE I WAS WITH PAINS IN MY ASS." I yell a little loud and thank god Beth is a heavy sleeper like me. Rachel's laughing but I am being so freaking serious about this. This is nothing to joke around with. "Rachel, it feels like you're literally shitting out a knife. Sideways."

"So… it doesn't hurt your hoo-ha? It hurts your butt?" She tilts her head.

"It hurts everything! It hurts your ass, it hurts your vag, it hurts your stomach, it hurts your throat from screaming so much… that shit is ridiculous. Nothing in this world should hurt that much. And I did all of it for NOTHING. I took home NOTHING." I look over at the way my little baby is sleeping on Rachel's chest and I can't lie. She was so worth it. "That's why I'm glad Shelby does let me see her. For all that pain I went through, I'd better get something out of it."

"So… no baby?" Rachel pokes her lip out.

"Hey, I'm all for it! I'm all for having a miniature Rachel Berry that I can love and kiss and nurture. I'll even supply the egg, honestly. But it's not coming out of me. I refuse."

"Okay, deal. We'll take your egg and pick a sperm donor that looks like me. I'll birth the kid." She rolls her eyes at me and if this ever does come true, I'm going to remember this conversation when we're in the delivery room and she's screaming at the top of her lungs because her butt hurts so bad. She agreed to this and acted like it's not that bad. I will remember this day.

"Are we having a boy or girl?" I yawn.

"A girl, of course." She yawns too since yawning is contagious. "Her name's going to be Eleanor."

"Eleanor? Really, Rachel? We're not naming our baby Eleanor."

"We could call her Ellie for short!"

"Eleanor is gross." I shake my head at her.

"Well what were you going to name Beth? I know you had something picked out your whole pregnancy, you didn't just not look at baby names… did you?"

"I don't know," I shrug. "I tried not to get too attached because I just kinda knew that I wasn't going to keep her." I brush my baby's blonde curls away from her face and smile at the way she's snoring very softly. "...I liked Nora, I guess. Or Vada."

"Like the little girl from My Girl?"

"Yeah, like her," I nod. "I watched My Girl for the first time with Puck's mom while I was staying there and I liked her name. I always thought I'd name her Vada if I was going to keep her."

"Vada," Rachel tries it out. "Vada…. Vada. Vada Berry-Fabray. Or Fabray-Berry."

"I don't care which comes first," I shrug again. "...I do have a request for her middle name, though."

"I'm open to suggestions."

"I would like for it to be Patrice."

Rachel smiles so wide that her cheeks probably hurt. "I love it. Vada Patrice Berry-Fabray."

"I can't believe we're naming our fictional kids…" I look over at her even though we're both super tired. "...I can't believe I'm actually looking forward to my future."

"I can't believe I get to plan a future with you." She smiles and leans in and I can't really remember the last time I kissed Rachel. I mean really kissed her, like deeply. My throat's been too sore to really make out with her and before my throat became sore, we weren't exactly on speaking terms. I can't remember the last time I kissed her…

But it doesn't seem like this time will be the last time either, because just as our lips are about to touch —

"Quinn! Rachel!" Mom screams from downstairs. "Shelby's here to get Beth!"

…and I'm beginning to think Mom can just sense when me and Rachel are about to do something.


"She just fell asleep about ten minutes ago," Rachel explains as she hands my sleeping baby over to Shelby. "Quinn gave her a bottle before she fell asleep, so she should be good for a while. She should go home and be asleep for the night."

"How big was the bottle?" Shelby asks as she kneels down on the floor to strap my baby into her car seat. "Like how many ounces?"

"Eight," I reply as I help by shoving all of Beth's things back into the diaper bag. "With two tablespoons of rice cereal added. She ate the whole thing."

"Oh, that's my big girl," Shelby leans into the car seat and kisses Beth's forehead before she zips the cover up. "Did she have any table food while she was here?"

"Mercedes' mom gave her pieces of biscuit dipped in soup at dinner," Rachel answers since I'm busy trying to organize the diaper bag to fit everything inside of it. "She didn't eat too much of it, though."

"Okay, okay, good. Did she poop at all while she was here? She hasn't gone for me since yesterday and I'm wondering if maybe I should get her some kind of medicine or something, I dunno." Shelby mumbles and picks the car seat up.

"She didn't go for me," I hand her the diaper bag since it's fully stocked and ready to go. "But she seemed okay, so."

"She's probably okay. I just worry too much, probably." She takes a few steps towards the door. "Okay, so I've got everything?"

"Yep, that's everything," I fold my arms across my chest to watch them off.

"Thanks again, Quinn. You're the best." She gives me an awkward side-hug sort of thing and I side-hug her right back. "And Rachel… I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Kay," Rachel nods and gives her a thumbs up.

"Happy birthday again, honey. I love you."

"I love you too, Mom," she smiles when she says that and even though she's trying to be calm and collected, I can tell that hearing her mom tell her that she loves her meant something special to Rachel. I can tell by the way she glows after Shelby says it.

"Okay. Goodnight, girls," Shelby waves at us as she opens the door to let herself out.

Rachel heads back up the stairs and I start to follow her because I feel like I might do something that will get me into trouble if I don't immediately follow her and go back upstairs. But on the other hand…

I feel like Shelby should know. I feel like the adult thing for me to do would be to tell her because as much as she feels like my child, Beth isn't. She's my baby biologically but she's not my baby legally. Shelby's her mom and she deserves to know everything that goes on while Beth is with me. So even though I know that Shelby will most likely be mad when I tell her…

I know I have to tell her anyway.

"Go ahead and get ready for bed," I mumble up the steps to Rachel. "I'll be up in a minute, I forgot to give Shelby something."

"Okay," Rachel nods and goes all the way up the steps while I head for the door.

I yank it open and I'm able to catch Shelby just as she's putting Beth's car seat into the car.

"Hey," I call after her as I run down the steps in my cloth slippers. There's a little bit of snow on the ground, so my feet are getting wet. But I didn't have enough time to put on shoes. If I had put on shoes, I might have missed them and I think it's important for Shelby to hear this from me right now and in person. "Hey Shelby, wait!"

"Quinn?" She looks up. She uses her hip to close the car door and walks a little closer like she's meeting me halfway. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine, I just…" I take a deep breath before I come clean. "I wanted to tell you that I took Beth to meet my mom tonight."

Her face changes and melts into a different expression, but I can't really tell what it is. It seems like a mix between confusion and shock, but maybe there's a little bit of anger in there too if I look hard enough.

"I'm sorry," I apologize with as much sincerity in my voice that I could muster. "I'm really, really sorry and if you decide that you don't trust me with Beth anymore then I understand. I know I should have asked you first… before I just took her over there, but I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking and I acted on impulse and I'm sorry." I run my fingers along the soft yarn and sigh before I hand it over. "But I'd like for her to keep this if that's okay. It's a blanket that my mom wanted her to have. My grandma made it. It's been in my family for years."

Shelby takes the blanket from me slowly and her face changes expressions again as she looks at it. Maybe the anger has melted away, but I still can't tell for sure.

"...Of course she can have it," she smiles at me like she truly understands. "I think it's a beautiful gesture, thank you for sharing it with me."

"You're welcome," I look down at the ground because eye contact is too hard when I know I've done something wrong. "I'm really sorry I didn't tell you again."

"It's okay," she says, but I can tell by her tone that she means it's only okay this one time. I can tell by her tone that I'd better not do that again. "I'm glad she got to meet her grandma. But next time, just —"

"There won't be a next time," I assure her and finally look her in the eyes. "This was the one and only time."

She looks at me with a deep understanding in her eyes and I think that maybe Shelby is the second person in the world to understand me like that. I used to think that Mercedes was the only person I could communicate with through looks, but now I think Shelby is one of them too.

"...Okay," she nods once and pats my shoulder. "Thank you for telling me. Thank you for —"

"She calls me 'mama'." I spit that one out there too while I still have the courage to tell her about all the things I've done wrong and the lines I've crossed with Beth. "Sometimes. Sometimes when we're together, she calls me 'mama.' Rachel taught her that, not me. But she does call me that."

Shelby closes her eyes for a few moments and looks up like she's looking up at the moon, but I've dealt with Rachel long enough to know that when they do that — look off into space, I mean — they're trying to compose themselves.

"I'm sorry if that's out of line or not what you want or whatever," I keep up with the genuine apologizes. "And I won't be upset if you don't want her to call me that. I'll understand. But… if you don't mind… I'd like for her to call me something."

She looks at me with unshed tears in her eyes and I don't think they're tears of sadness or anything. I think they're tears of frustration.

"I don't want to be 'Quinn' to her," I continue since I'm still feeling brave. "I don't have to be mama, but I would like to be something. I… I don't think I'm able to just be 'Quinn' to her."

She takes a deep breath and again, smiles at me. Her smile is tight, almost like it's forced but it's enough for me to know that she's not very angry. At least not angry in the way that makes me feel like she'll take Beth away and never let me see her again.

"We'll figure it out, okay?" She pats my shoulder again. "We'll figure out what she can call you. Together."