A/N: So I know I said this is going to be 78 chapters, so by that logic, the next chapter is the final chapter. But the more I looked at it, the more my OCD kicked in and I want it to be an even 80 chapters. So I split this chapter into two, and then the final chapter will be two chapters as well. So you might be seeing shorter chapters for these last ones, and the reason for it is because I want it to be 80 chapters.
Enjoy!
"Quinn!" When Mom yells my name, it startles me and it almost makes me mess up on applying my makeup. I can tell by how close she sounds that she's yelling from the bottom of the steps.
"Huh…?" I call over my shoulder as I screw the cap back onto my tube of mascara. I haven't checked the clock in a little while, but last time I did it was almost six. Winter Formal starts at seven, but I told Rachel to come over a little earlier just in case my parents want to take pictures.
I already know when I go downstairs that Mom is going to ask me for the millionth time today if I feel okay enough to go to the dance. And the truth is…
I actually do. My throat still hurts a little bit, but only when I swallow hard so that's not really an issue. What I mean is that I feel okay in every sense of the word… not just physically. It's like for the first time in my entire life, I don't have this cloud looming over me. I can hold my head up to the sky and take a deep breath and know that everything is okay. And even when things aren't okay at the time being, they will be okay soon enough. I'm okay. And for the first time ever, I'm not lying when I say that.
"Rachel's down here! Come on so I can take pictures before you're late!" She yells back, and it's a good thing I just finished my makeup.
I use my index finger to smooth my lipstick out and erase a part that smudged onto my chin. I'm excited to see what Rachel looks like. She kept trying to send me a picture of herself in her dress on Snapchat earlier, but I refused to look at it. I kind of want to see her when I get the full effect, you know? I want to see her when her hair is all done up and her makeup is fresh. When she looks at me climbing down the steps and our eyes meet and for a moment, we're suspended in time and everything is magical. That's the way I want to see her, in all her glory.
I stand up from my vanity and smooth out my own dress just to make sure there's no wrinkles in the fabric. It's not prom, so when me and Mercedes went dress shopping yesterday after Mom gave me the official seal of approval to go to the dance, Dad set our budget at $100 a piece. He said the only time he'd spend more than that would be on our prom dresses or our wedding dresses. When he said that, I think that's when it finally hit me.
In the future, when I get married to Rachel, it'll be him that I dance with at my wedding. And it'll be Mom who's busy fixing my hair and making sure the train of my dress lays flat before I walk down the aisle. The ones who give me away will be Jared and Patrice and if I decide to invite them, Russel and Judy will be spectators in the second or third row. I have two parents who love and care about me now, and this doesn't have to be temporary anymore. The Joneses can be my forever.
Anyway, my dress only cost eighty bucks so it's not like it's very grand and poofy and Cinderella-ish, but I do actually like the way I look in it. It's a two-piece dress, and the bottom skirt is made of white silk. I bought it because I liked the flowers on it. The background of the silk skirt is white, but lots of coral-colored and navy blue flowers with jungle green leaves are patterned all over it. The top of my dress is a little more intricate and Mercedes says that only someone with my body could pull it off. It's long-sleeved and the bodice and sleeves are all made of a dark, navy blue lace. The back is open and very low cut, but the front is higher up and modest so I think it's the perfect balance of sexy and mature.
I pull the straps on my navy blue heels tighter, adjust my "R" necklace that I've taken to wearing again, and run my fingers through my hair just one more time so my curls appear loose and lax. I look as good as I'm possibly going to get, with my hair pinned back with a silver barrette and loose curls framing my face. I'm beginning to think that maybe the blue eyeshadow and the coral lipstick was a little much, but it matches my dress…
I don't know, all I care about is making sure that Rachel looks prettier than I do.
I swat my lightswitch and turn it out as I leave my bedroom and walk steady, heels pressing into the carpet, down the hall.
"That color is actually really great on your skin," Mercedes says and I'm assuming she's talking to Rachel. "Did you go tanning today?"
"I actually didn't, I'm just really dark for some reason. I'm usually super pale in the winter, but it's been a really sunny week, so maybe that did me some justice." Rachel replies. "Is Sam's suit white or black?"
"It's white, and we got him a red bow tie to match my dress."
"Have you seen Quinn's dress?" Rachel asks. "I've been trying to send her a picture of mine all day, but she won't open it. I just wanted to see if mine and hers match. She said that hers was dark blue and lace with flowers and I tried to go off of that, but I don't know for sure."
"Rachel, trust me, you —"
"Look amazing," I finish Mercedes' sentence as I stand on the second to last step, frozen and in love. I'm... awestruck. When she spins around and turns to look at me, I feel like her eyes have melted me into a puddle of mushy, drippy goo. I've never met anyone so… so… beautiful.
She has her hair down and parted to the side with her bangs tucked back, soft curls falling in waves almost touching her waist. She has on makeup — I can tell — but it's so natural, so subtle that she hardly looks like she's wearing any at all. Her heels — her silver, sparkly high heels — make her legs look longer than they actually are. And her dress, God her dress…
Like mine, it's navy blue and it's lace. But the entire thing is covered in navy blue floral lace, and it's the most basic shape of a dress I've ever seen, yet she looks absolutely incredible. It's long-sleeved, just like mine. It's very low cut in the back, just like mine. But it clings to her body and shows off her curves, form-fitting from her arms to her chest to her stomach and all the way down to where the fabric stops just above her knees. Her "Q" necklace dangling around her neck is a fantastic touch.
"Oh my god, you look great," she gasps and looks at me from head to toe. "Your hair… and your makeup, it's… you…" she shakes her head slowly and looks down at the ground with a guarded, gentle, half-smile. "You're really beautiful, Quinn."
"Not like you," I say softly enough so only she and I can hear it. "You're incredible."
"Alright, alright, come on now," Mom comes buzzing into the hallway where we're all standing, and she already has the camera on her phone set up.
Mercedes is all annoyed with her and stuff, and I know I probably should be annoyed with her too because it's just a staple for your mother to embarrass you by taking a thousand pictures when you're off to a school dance, but I just can't help but think about how it wouldn't be this way with Judy. She'd never let Rachel into the house to take a picture with me… she'd never let me huddle close to my girlfriend while we wear coordinated dresses and matching necklaces and smile genuinely enough to take a picture. For that reason, I just can't find it in me to be annoyed with Mom.
"I want pictures of you three separately first, then altogether, then Rachel and Quinn, then Quinn and 'Cedes. Rachel, you wanna go first since you standing by the Christmas tree?" Mom asks, stepping back to position herself. "JARED! Come on in here, the girls is ready!"
"I… um…" Rachel pauses and stumbles over her words. She clearly wants to run away and hide because I don't think she expected my mom to want to take a picture of her separately. I think she was a little surprised by that. But she looks at me and I give her a subtle thumbs-up for encouragement, and she sighs. "Sure."
She hands me her clutch and her phone and scoots a little close to the Christmas tree so it's a perfect background. I know I'm biased, but I really truly do have the most beautiful girlfriend in the entire world. That navy blue against her caramel skin, the deep brown of her hair just flowing off her scalp like a hypnotizing river… she's just… perfect.
"Alright, gimme a smile…" Mom tilts the camera to the side to get a better angle. "Rachel, you are wearing the hell outta that dress, girl. You go 'head now."
She really is wearing the hell out of her dress.
Rachel starts laughing as soon as Mom hits the middle button to snap the picture on her phone, and I haven't seen the finished product yet, but I already know that picture is going to be my absolute favorite. Something about capturing her in the middle of a smile just really sets it all in for me. I'm here, I'm alive, I have a girlfriend that I really love and care about, and I live in a house where that is okay enough for my own mother to want to take a picture of her by herself on the day of winter formal. Crazy, isn't it?
"Okay, now gimme a pose… any pose you want," Mom directs and Rachel picks a really cute pose with her leg bent at the knee and her foot popped out. I also never realized how photogenic she is… "Okay now Quinn, you go 'head and hop in there."
I put my stuff and Rachel's down on the steps and stand beside the Christmas tree, right next to Rachel. She moves in a little closer to me and slips her hand around my waist, and we both plaster those fake, teeth-revealing smiles across our faces. Once again, I haven't seen the finished product of the picture just yet, but I already know that I'm going to look incredibly ordinary next to Rachel, who looks extraordinary. But I don't mind. I think for one night, she deserves to feel as beautiful as she actually is; she deserves to have her moment in the limelight.
"Okay, one more… make a silly face."
I stick my tongue out and hold up a peace sign with my two fingers and Rachel puckers her lips up into an exaggerated duck-face and I already know that picture is going to be my favorite one.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I can't wait to post our pictures on Instagram. I mean yeah, I'm a little worried about what people might say and worried that I'll get comments that say that our relationship is disgusting, but there is another chance that we won't. There's a chance that everyone will support us and admire how beautiful we look as a couple and even despite the people who might think being gay is a crime, I want to be proud of who me and Rachel are.
"Alright, now 'Cedes. You hop in there." Mom adjusts her position again once Mercedes stands beside me so she can get all three of us in the picture.
Mercedes looks really pretty too, by the way. Her dress is dark red and it's made of a really light, flowy chiffon-like fabric. It ties around her neck and cascades all the way down to her ankles, but the train of it is short and has really pretty layers and folds and drapes in it. Since it's an open-back dress and also a halter top, she bought a furry white cardigan to drape over her shoulders, but we all know that it's coming off as soon as we step foot into the gym.
"Well I'll be a monkey's ass," Dad grins when he walks into the hallway from the kitchen, hands on his hips like he's checking us out for approval. "You three do clean up well."
"Oh my god, Dad," Mercedes rolls her eyes at him. "Is it really that hard for you to just say we look nice?"
"Yeah," I chime in. "A simple 'you three look beautiful' would've gone a long way."
"Listen, listen," he laughs. "I'm just saying. Quinn, it's a step-up from the way you ain't combed your hair since you got home from the hospital, 'Cedes it's nice to see you know how to wear something other than them beat up Nike's, and Rachel… way to come back from the pajamas you wore for three days the last time I saw you up in the hospital."
"This was my near-desperate attempt to prove to you, Quinn's parents, that I am, not indeed a bum." Rachel replies with a laugh and it's like every little thing she does tonight feels like it's brand new to me and I'm discovering new parts of her that I didn't even know existed.
"You look great honey," Dad winks at her with a new seriousness to his usually playful demeanor. "But Mercedes… you make sure that jacket stays on you all night and Quinn, I want you on constant alert to make sure the top of your dress don't show no skin. And Rachel, don't bend over. If you need to pick something up, kneel down and —"
"Jared!" Mom swats him with the back of her hand. "Leave them girls alone. They look fine. They look perfect."
Good thing me, Rachel and Mercedes all have a pretty decent sense of humor and we know that Dad was only joking. You know, the thing is… he's not really like that, which blows my mind. He doesn't police me and Mercedes about what we can and cannot wear, he doesn't make sure that our shorts are two inches below the knee or make sure our tank tops have that middle layer to protect our boobs. He doesn't give much thought to anything about how we dress and maybe… I don't know, maybe he should. Police us, I mean. Maybe he should watch us leave the house every morning for school and break out a ruler to take measurements if something is too skimpy. But the point is that he doesn't. He's not like that. And maybe he should be, but I'm grateful that he isn't because I don't have uncontrollable anxiety when I pick out my clothes in the morning anymore. Jared is nothing like Russel.
"Alright, you three ready to go?" Mom asks, pulling me out of my thoughts. She hands me the keys to my car and takes one last look at the three of us, but pays extra attention to me and Mercedes in particular. "Quinn? You ready, baby?"
"Yeah mom, I'm fine," I reply as I grab me and Rachel's things from the spot I put them in on the steps. "I'm ready as I'll ever be, I feel great." I even throw a smile in there to be extra reassuring. "I'll call you when we get there?"
"Call me in an hour," she brushes my hair away from my forehead. "You ain't gotta call when you get there, just call me in an hour so I can hear your voice and make sure you alright. Mmkay?"
"Mmkay."
"Alright now," she pulls me and Mercedes into a hug in one sweep. "I love you two… have fun tonight."
"We will," me and Mercedes say in unison and you know what?
I think we actually will.
"Seasons change and our love went cold. Feed the flame 'cause we can't let go. Run away but we're running in circles. Run away, run away."
As my heels clack up the hallway leading to the gym, I can feel the vibrations from the music radiating from the floor and ricocheting throughout my kneecaps. I could hear the music from outside as we circled around the crowded lot for a place to park. The way it bounces off the walls and makes everything around me seem to shake, I can tell it's going to be a pretty good night. I just have that feeling inside of me.
"I dare you to do something. I'm waiting on you again. So I don't take the blame. Run away but we're running in circles…"
"Run away, run away, run away…" I mumble the last part of the lyrics to myself as I stuff my car keys inside of Rachel's clutch for safekeeping. Rachel grabs ahold of my hand as we approach the open double doors, and I can tell by the way her palm is sweating that she is nervous. So am I.
Mercedes isn't, though. She breezes right past us and goes inside all in the same stride, probably in search of Sam. It's easy to be like Mercedes, though. It's easy to walk inside by yourself when you have someone you're looking for, and it's even easier when the person you're looking for is of the opposite sex.
Me and Rachel aren't supposed to do this alone, though. We're not supposed to be the only girl-girl couple walking inside this gymnasium hand in hand. I loosen my grip on Rachel's hand so I can turn around in search of —
"You see Santana and Brittany?!" Rachel yells so
I can hear her over the music, and she took the thought right out of my head. "I thought you said they were gonna meet us here, by the door!"
"That's what Santana said!" I scream back, but not quite as loud as her because my throat hurts when I scream. "Gimme my phone out of your purse, I'm gonna text her and see where they're at!"
"What?!" She screams as the song switches to something way more upbeat and ten times louder.
"I said hand me my phone!"
"I can't hear you!"
"Give me my —"
"Oh my god, finally!" Someone screams from the opposite end of the hallway and even though the music is deafening, nothing beats the sound of her high heels angrily clacking along the floor as Santana charges over to us. "Me and Britt were hiding out in the bathroom waiting for you two!"
"Sorry!" I say as my eyes are on Brittany walking right behind her. "We took pictures and they ran a little late! Did you guys go in yet?!"
"Not yet!" Brittany says. "Santana said we had to wait for you and Rachel so we don't have everyone looking at us but I kinda want to have everyone looking at us, so!"
"Here, take some of this," Santana unscrews the cap off of a small, silver flask that she pulled from the middle of her boobs. "We're gonna need it to make it through the night. Britt and I have already been sipping, you and Rachel need to catch up."
"Oh thank god," I mumble to myself and take a long, drawn out sip from the flask. When I pull it away from my mouth and swallow, my face involuntarily turns up. That tastes SO bad… "What IS that?!"
"It's a little bit of everything that I found in my abuela's sock drawer. Just pinch your nose while you're drinking and it goes down smooth."
"That is awful…" I resist the urge to gag and hand the flask to Rachel, who looks at me with round, concerned eyes. "Just sip it," I shrug at her.
"But Quinn, I don't… I mean, I don't… I don't know, won't we get in trouble?" She looks at the flask and if I didn't know any better, I'd say it looks like she's going to cry. "Like big trouble?"
"Only if we get caught. Just take a sip, trust me. It'll take the edge off and we need that for tonight. Anything that'll help us deal with people staring, the better." I put my hand on her shoulder to be reassuring. "Trust me, Rachel… I'm not trying to pressure you, but we need to be drunk for this. Or at least buzzed."
She bites her bottom lip softly and grips the flask with shaky fingers. She closes her eyes and takes one quick sip from it… and her face turns up just like mine does. For a second, it looks like she might spit it out. She hands it back to Santana roughly and sticks her tongue out.
"That is DISGUSTING!" She keeps her tongue out while she speaks and I think she's adorable. "That is the worst thing I've ever had in my mouth!"
"Maybe," Santana laughs and takes another sip herself before shoving the flask back between her boobs. "But it'll get you drunk."
"Okay guys," I sigh and stand in the middle of both Rachel and Santana, holding out my hands. "You guys ready?"
"Ready," the three of them say altogether.
"Here goes nothing…" I mutter and the four of us, united together and holding hands, enter the gym.
I don't know what I was expecting, but it kind of looks the same as it always does for basketball games and Cheerios practices and pep rallies. I mean, of course there's the food table and then there's the DJ and his speakers, and there's a Christmas tree in the middle of the dancefloor, but everything is the same. Except for the red and green strobe lights projecting little circles everywhere.
And as I look around me, at the crowds of my peers are dressed up and sparkling clean, laughing and living in the moment, I realize that it's weird moment again, the one that only ever happened after Karofsky committed suicide.
It's the moment when you look at all the people around you and realize that they're just as human as you. You realize that inside school, everyone has molds to fit into and norms to confine to. But outside of school, where there are no rules and no cliques and no assigned cafeteria seats based on social status… Everyone loves each other. The students of McKinley High School stand as a united front and we look out for each other. Everyone loves each other, but nobody actually really likes each other. It's a tender moment, one that isn't lost on me. One that makes me feel like we are exactly what we are; the many students bound together by one low class, underperforming high school in Lima, Ohio.
The weird part is that this feeling will be over once we're all back in school after Christmas break.
"Quinn," Rachel says my name in her normal tone, and the only reason I can hear her over the music is because she's directly in my ear. Her palm is still sweaty as it's locked inside of mine. "Quinn, nobody's staring… nobody's staring at us."
"I know," I nod my head and take one step closer to the dancefloor. "Wanna dance with me?"
"Of course," she smiles and pulls my hand, leading me to an empty space on the dancefloor just beside Santana and Brittany.
Okay, so I know I might be biased once again, but I really do think that Rachel is the best dressed one here. Don't get me wrong, I see a lot of pretty dresses. Like Sugar's dark green one with stars all over it and also Tina's light blue one makes her look like the queen from that Disney movie about ice and stuff. Frozen, I think it's called. Yeah, she looks like that. Her dress is gorgeous. And so is Santana's, actually. It's plain red and just very sleek fitting, but she looks amazing in it, especially when she stands next to Brittany in her black and red tuxedo.
But Rachel… She's just above and beyond. She looks so good in her dress that it's actually unfair. It fits her like a glove and I really think that it shows the entire student body a side of her that nobody thought she had. I mean, I always knew she was sexy. But when she wears her plaid skirts and sweaters and doesn't really dress to show off her beautiful body, it's kind of hard for anybody else to realize that she is, indeed, sexy.
"Oh my god, I love this song!" Santana screams as soon as the next song comes on and she starts dancing like a wild fool, swinging her hair and her hips and it's just like she's having the best time of her life…
And I join her because… well, I love this song, too. And everyone on the dancefloor is letting loose and cutting a rug so I don't look too ridiculous and plus… when I dance, Rachel feels confident enough to dance too.
Like Santana is holding Brittany's hand and shaking her hips, I grab onto both of Rachel's hands and do the same thing while I sing to her. She gets a kick out of the lyrics, I can tell because she throws her head back and laughs with her entire body.
"She got the mm, brown eyes! Caramel thighs! Long hair, no wedding ring!" I sing to her while we dance and she has the biggest smile that I've honestly ever seen on her face. "I saw you lookin' from across the way and now I really wanna know your name!"
"She got the mm, white dress, but when she's wearin' less you know that drives me crazy!" She sings right back at me, through her hysterical laughs. And I know I probably shouldn't push it because nobody's staring at us so far, but I can't help it. She's moving her hips from side to side and gyrating to every beat of the music and I'm weak… I'm so weak… so I put my hand on her waist…
"The mm, brown eyes, you know I love watchin' you do your thing!" I mouth the lyrics this time, because I feel like if I sing out loud, I'm going to end up losing my mind. Now isn't the time or place for me to have these feelings — this heat swirling at my core — but I. Can't. Help. It. The way her hips move…
"So join me in this bed that I'm in.
And push up on me and sweat darlin'.
So I'm gonna put my time in.
I won't stop until the angels sing…"
"Jump in that water, be free! Come south of the border with me!" Me and Rachel both sing that part — our favorite part — together, and along with everyone else. There's not a single soul in this gym sitting down right now and everyone kinda screamed that in tandem. "Jump in that water, be free! Come south of the border with me!"
I'm not sure if the alcohol that she drank is maybe taking its toll on her or not. I didn't think she drank enough to even get a slight buzz, but I really think she might be a little bit drunk because when the next part of the song comes on, Rachel grabs my hand so tight and yanks me with all her strength.
"She got them mm, green eyes, givin' me signs that she really wants to know my name, hey!" She doesn't sing, she just mouths Camila Cabello's part of the song but she really puts her all into lip synching… I mean she REALLY gives it her all… "I saw you lookin' from across the way and suddenly I'm glad I came, hey!"
She keeps mouthing and pulling me closer to her. Our bodies go crashing into each other and she grinds her hips against mine, then even turns around so her butt is against me while she shakes her hips… and none of this makes any sense to me…
Not until I look to my left and see that Santana and Brittany are also dancing like strippers. Then I can kind of figure that they gave Rachel her courage.
"Ven para acá quiero bailar, toma mi mano Quiero sentir tu cuerpo en mi, estás temblando!" Santana sings the Spanish part fluently to Brittany and I think that maybe I'm just a big ball of raging hormones right now because even seeing Santana sing in Spanish really does something to me… "I love her lips 'cause she says the words, 'te amo mami, ah, te amo mami.' Don't wake up 'cause this love is like a dream…"
"So join me in this bed that I'm in.
And push up on me and sweat darlin'.
So I'm gonna put my time in.
I won't stop until the angels sing…"
"Jump in that water, be free! Come south of the border, border, come south of the border with me!" Since the song is drawing to a close, I take the last few moments of it to take a page out of Rachel and Santana's book and dance like I'm in my room and nobody's watching.
And I'm really into it, I think. I'm pretty on beat and I'm pretty sure my hips are on beat and I'm pretty sure Rachel likes it because she touches my butt, but the song slowly draws to a close as the DJ transitions into the next song and honestly… I'm a little grateful that South of the Border is over. It was a little too steamy and if I went on a little longer, I'm fairly certain that I would have probably dragged Rachel to the nearest bathroom.
"You need a drink?" Santana asks, breathless and sweaty. She looks around to make sure none of the chaperones are looking, then pulls her flask out of her boobs.
I grab it off of her first and take another sip. Man, it's still pretty gross but it's smoother going down this time. Probably because I already know to expect straight nastiness. To my surprise, nobody has to talk Rachel into it this time. She just grabs the flask out of my hands and takes several gulps before handing it back to Santana.
"Don't throw up like the last time you got drunk, hobbit." Santana let's Brittany take a sip before putting it back in its hiding place. "I'm not about to babysit you all night because you can't handle your liquor."
"Guys, I'm fine," Rachel laughs and smiles and that right there tells me that she isn't fine… oh god this is going to be a long night. "I don't even remember the last time I was drunk. I think I kissed Quinn the last time I was drunk."
"You did and you threw up in my mom's bathroom," I roll my eyes just for dramatics.
"Last time I was drunk I woke up pregnant," Brittany sighs. "I wish the stork would've let me keep my baby."
"Yeah, well last time I was drunk I kissed and fingerblasted Quinn, so." Santana shrugs and my cheeks turn red.
"Why must you bring that up?" I ask her through clenched teeth.
"Yeah, why?" Rachel hiccups and giggles. Oh lord she's definitely on her way to being drunk. Damn, it doesn't take her much at all! Lightweight! "What about you, Quinn? When was the last time you were drunk?"
"The last time I was drunk…" I pause to wrack my brain and try to think of the last time I was drunk. I mean, I already know the last time I was drunk. The last time I was drunk, it was that night. But everyone else has such good stories about it. I don't want my story to be one downer of the group. That's depressing, isn't it? To say the last time you got drunk you were raped? But that's the truth… so maybe I should just go with the truth…
I take a breath and muster up the most playful tone I can when I open my mouth and say, "Last time I was drunk, Puck raped me and I got pregnant."
Everyone laughs for a second when I say that, but I know they're only laughing because of the way I said it. I said it so casually, so nonchalantly that the part about being raped flew over their heads and all they heard was "pregnant", which made them laugh. But as soon as the gravity of what I said lands on them, their laughter stops at once. And Santana looks at me with that real concreted, pathetic kind of look. Brittany mostly just looks confused about it. And Rachel's eyes are low, like she can't bear to look at me because she forgot what happened to me and I just reminded her.
"I'm fine, guys," I roll my eyes again and shake my head to lighten the mood. "Fuck men, right?"
"I'll drink to that," Santana shrugs and pulls her flask right back out.
As it's being passed around again, I wait to feel something.
I wait to feel that familiar sensation of shame and anger and sadness and rawness wash over me. I wait for the dark memories of my salty tears and my underwear ripping. I wait for the memories to infiltrate my mind and take me out of this moment that I'm enjoying with my friends and my girlfriend. I wait, and I wait, and I wait…
But it never comes.
It never comes, so I look across the room and have my eyes scan for him. I know he's here, I saw him for a brief second when Circles was playing earlier. He was over by the punch bowl probably trying to spike it. I know he's here… where is he?
Bingo.
I find him on the opposite side of the Christmas tree, right next to Lauren and pressed up against her. The flask makes its way over to me and I take a small sip this time, eyes concentrated on Puck and Lauren. Maybe if I stare at him long enough, it'll come. The anger will wash over me and then soon the shame will follow. And I'll run to the bathroom and cry because no matter how hard I try, I'm not over this and I can't get over this. Maybe I'll feel something as I watch him lean down and go for a kiss while Lauren is eating a cupcake.
Frosting all over her lips, she shakes her head and holds one finger up, denying him a kiss. And if I know Puck.. if I learned anything from what he did to me, I know that he isn't going to take no for an answer. He's about to swat her hand away and lean in and force her to kiss him anyway. He's about to take her arm, grab it hard, and he's going to…. he's going to… going to…
Nod his head? With a smile on his lips? And accept that she told him no?
And there's still no trace of anger or shame or… or anything. I feel… I feel like… I feel like Quinn. I feel like normal, usual, same Quinn. I feel like I'm happy, like it's not in my head anymore, that I'm… I'm over it? That I've moved on, I've gotten past the ugliness of what he did to me… I've gotten past it because I really, truly, feel fine. Even after telling the girls about it so casually.
And maybe he learned from what he did to me. Maybe him accepting Zizes telling him no is the start of something for him, too. Maybe he changed and he grew from his experience and has accepted the fact that he really did rape me and he has to do better. Maybe he's different now.
But honestly? I really don't give a shit if he is or not.
"Quinn?" Rachel's name cuts through the music and pierces me. Her voice makes me feel like coming home. It's warm and it makes me feel warm too, like placing an ice cube in the middle of a cup of coffee. Her voice makes me feel like nothing else matters quite as much as she does. "You okay?"
"I'm great," I nod my head and smile at her as I finally pull my eyes away from Puck and Lauren. "I'm perfect."
"Wanna dance then?"
I look around and finally notice that everyone who is still left on the dancefloor are close to each other, slowly swaying from side to side with their heads on each other's chests.
"You bet," I lean in and kiss her on the cheek as I pull her close to me.
"Burning cities and napalm skies. Fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes… your ocean eyes…"
I close my eyes and really take in this moment. This moment of Rachel leaning against me with her head on my chest, of me feeling her breath spilling onto my skin as she breathes through her nose. My hand wrapped around her waist and also on her shoulder while hers are draped, hanging loosely around my butt. I swear, this is the closest to magic I'll ever get in my life.
"No fair…
You really know how to make me cry when you give me those ocean eyes.
I'm scared…
I've never fallen from quite this high, falling into your ocean eyes…
Those ocean eyes…"
"I've been walking through a world gone blind…" I sing to Rachel ever so softly while she lies against my chest. "Can't stop thinking of your diamond mind." I feel her lips spread into a smile. "Careful creature, made friends with time. He left her lonely with a diamond mind… and those ocean eyes."
"No fair…"
As the chorus rolls around again, Rachel lifts her head from my chest and it's like we're on the same wavelength because I already know what she wants. I want it too.
So we both close our eyes and we close the space between eyes ever so slowly, head's tilting just slightly to the side. This might be our most meaningful kiss, it might be our —
"Why don't you two keep it PG?!" Someone's really annoying, high-pitched voice yanks me out of the moment. It's like in those old 90s movies where the record scratches and the movie stops in some sort of freeze frame.
My eyes snap open and I look to my left, where the voice came from. And she's so annoying, so irrelevant that I don't even remember her name. She was in the celibacy club with me for the past three years, and she tried out for the Cheerios like fifteen times and never made it, that's how irrelevant she is. She is IRRELEVANT… So why do I let her make me so angry?
"Why don't you mind your fucking business and wipe your boyfriend's cum stain off the front of your dress?!" I snap at her and Rachel grabs me by my arm and yanks me again, hard this time so I know she means business.
"Quinn!" She puts her hand on my cheek and forces me to look at her. "Stop it! Don't! She's not worth it, she's —"
"I'm just saying, SOME of us still have good Christian values and would rather not witness vile sinning at a CHRISTmas dance," that girl rolls her eyes and gets even smarter with me, but what's worse is that she cut RACHEL off! Nobody disrespects Rachel in front of me and gets away with it!
"Good Christian values like what?! Letting your boyfriend only do anal doesn't make you still a virgin, it just makes you a whore that can shit better." I step toward her and Rachel grabs my arm so hard that I'm sure it's going to bruise…
"Quinn, come on, seriously!" Rachel nudges me. "You're better than this!"
"What's going on?" Santana steps between me and the irrelevant hag. "Everything okay, Q?"
"Oh and now we're going to have comments from the other carpet muncher, give me a break!" She says, and she really must be stupid… because if she thought she had it bad with me?! She has no idea what Santana is capable of.
"Okay…" Santana nods her head as calm and collected as humanly possible… but she's taking her heels off which isn't a good sign. "Let's see if you still think I'm a carpet muncher when I take you outside and bury your face in the dirt, bitch!"
Santana lunges at the girl and throws a punch, but she misses when the girl's boyfriend steps in front of them and me and Rachel both grab Santana's arms and hold her back. She's cussing in Spanish, I assume, because I can't understand a word she's saying. A small crowd has already sort of gathered around us.
The girl wriggles free out of her boyfriend's grip and goes to throw a punch back at Santana, but I guess she has really piss poor aim because she misses… and I'm going to KILL her, I've decided…
Because she ends up punching Rachel right in the cheek.
A/N: I just want to quickly say that I hope every single one of my readers and people who have followed this story up until now are okay with everything that is happening today.
I know I have readers all across the globe, and I want you all to know that I am praying for safety for each and every single one of you, and I hope for good health in the eye of this incredibly scary pandemic. I love all of you guys and if you would kindly let me know that you are all okay, I would greatly appreciate it.
If you are one of the people who are unfortunately sick or in quarantine or isolation, I hope that I can make your times a little bit brighter by giving you something to read.
Love & prayers to all,
Rae.
