Soon, it was Kurt's last week. Blaine was counting down the days, already knowing he was going to miss Kurt like crazy.
"So, how is this going to work? When will you see him again?" Sam asked, at lunch.
Blaine swallowed his bite of food. "Um, well, I guess I'm off in April. Maybe I'll spend some of it in New York."
It wasn't something he'd thought about much. Cruise contracts usually went from three to six months. Blaine tended to work 6 months a year in the Caribbean, and 4 months a year in Europe, either in the Mediterranean or on smaller river cruises. He took a month off in the spring and fall between contracts.
Suddenly April seemed ages away. Could he go two months without seeing Kurt?
"Oh, are you talking about Kurt? I know! I keep going to see his show even though I've been so many times already," Angela commented as she joined them.
"Maybe I can sneak out to watch him again. What time is he onstage again, more or less?" Blaine asked, buttering a bun.
Angela looked pleased. "Oh yes! Come join me. Um, I think he's on around 8:10 for the duet, and a little after 9 for his solo."
"Solo? He has a solo?" Why hadn't he heard about this before?
"I think you broke him," Sam chuckled, looking over at Angela.
They were joking back and forth, but Blaine had tuned them out. Kurt. Singing. Solo.
...
Blaine was there, right at 9 pm, ignoring the way Angela was sending him amused glances.
The screen at the back of the stage was mostly emerald green, with abstract images of clocks.
Kurt walked to the microphone stand in the center of the stage, dressed all in black. Doc Martin boots went up to his knees, tight jeans clung to his thighs, and a gothic style jacket made his shoulders look wide. His hair was spikier and messier than normal, his pale skin seeming even lighter in contrast to the rest of the outfit. Black eyeliner was smudged around his eyes, making them seem enormous.
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
The song was perfect for him, an extensive range with high notes many women would struggle to reach. Kurt planted his feet and sang with his head at a proud angle, owning it. Letting his voice soar out to every corner of the room.
Blaine had goose bumps, watching the performance. He knew why Kurt's friends had been so insistent he come on this tour. It was to be able to sing this fantastic song six nights a week to an appreciative audience. This was pure Kurt. This was bringing him back to himself, with every night he sang it.
Angela passed him a tissue, and Blaine dabbed his face, not even aware tears were coming down.
There was a standing ovation that lasted many minutes, and Blaine's hands were sore from clapping so hard.
"Fuck, I have to go," Blaine said, and rushed back.
...
Can you meet me on the Promenade Deck at 1:30? -BA
Blaine's hands trembled as he hit send, his emotions still so stirred up. He had gotten through his set, with only Florence giving him a funny look. She knew he was a bit off tonight.
Maybe it was too late. Maybe Kurt was already asleep. Their show was done before 10pm. Blaine just hoped he wouldn't have to wait until tomorrow.
He kept an eye on his phone again his whole final set, nervous anticipation curling in his belly. He was nervous if Kurt said yes. Nervous if he said no. But anything was better than this limbo.
During his last song, Blaine saw him slip into the back of the room. Immediately, he felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest.
Don't stop me now,
I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball
Don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time, just give me a call
Don't stop me now ('cause I'm having a good time)
Don't stop me now (yes, I'm havin' a good time)
I don't want to stop at all
He gave it his all, pounding on the keys, infusing it with his energy. It wouldn't have been the song he would have picked to sing to Kurt now, but he did his best to show off anyways.
It was a good song to end his set, always getting the crowd on their feet to stomp and sing along.
Tonight, he got away from his fans as soon as he could, working through the crowd to get to Kurt's side.
"You got my message," he said softly.
Kurt nodded and led Blaine out of the crowded pub. He was still wearing most of his costume from before, the boots, jeans and a simple black t-shirt. The gothic coat was gone. He'd washed his face but a bit of the eye make-up that was still there, along with his messy hair.
Blaine had the feeling Kurt was more comfortable in clothes like this, layers of clothing and boots. They suited him.
He felt nervous still, but too full of emotions to hold them back anymore. He had no idea what to say and was deathly afraid he would fuck everything up.
They found an area where they often read during the day, with a good view of the sea but tucked away in a corner that didn't get many people walking by. Kurt dropped on to a lounge chair, stretching out his legs that looked even longer than normal in the skinny dark jeans and boots.
Blaine sat on the lounge chair beside him but didn't lean back. He faced Kurt, feet still on the floor.
"Um, I snuck in to hear you sing 'Defying Gravity' tonight," Blaine started.
Kurt brightened up at that. "Oh really? What did you think?"
Blaine couldn't resist. He reached out, taking Kurt's hand. Needing to touch him. "It was perfect, Kurt. Incredible. It gave me chills."
Kurt seemed pleased, a closed-lip smile curling his lips upwards. "Not many places I can sing it in public."
"Maybe there should be a gender-bent musical. Change everything up. I often sing women's pop songs. Why the fuck not?"
"You were great tonight too, Blaine. That crowd loved you."
Blaine shrugged. "You've heard me sing just at that bar. Someday I'd like to sing something that I pick just for you."
Kurt nodded, but pulled his hand away. Looking a bit uncomfortable. "Why did you want to speak to me tonight, Blaine?"
This was it. Blaine took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Kurt, I've only known you a few months, but I'm starting to have really deep feelings for you."
Kurt looked down, his shoulders sinking a bit. "I think, ever since the waterfall, we have become friends, Blaine. And more since New Year's, of course."
When he met Blaine's eyes, he could see the confused emotions in them.
Blaine swallowed hard. "Yes, but I think there is more. I think our friends see it too. Tina and Sam obviously organized that waterfall day. We've been acting like a couple for weeks now."
Kurt bit his lower lip, looking a little stressed. "Um, I don't do this type of thing very often, Blaine, but I thought it was just for fun. You knew I was only going to be on the ship until the end of January."
"Look, Kurt, I know you aren't ready for this. For me. You are still dealing with the loss of your father and figuring out what you want to do next."
Kurt sighed. "Yes, I don't think I'd be good for anyone right now. But how could this even work? You live on a cruise ship. I'm in New York."
"I'm off a couple months each year to spend with you. You must have gaps in your schedule when you could visit me. Or maybe you could work on the ships sometimes? I spend the summers in Europe. You'd love it, Kurt," Blaine said, reaching out to take his hand again.
But Kurt got up, walking to the rail to look out over the waves. "I don't know, Blaine. We've led very different lives. You come from a rich background, and my Dad and I had to use coupons to buy healthy food."
Blaine joined him at the rail. "We both love music and art. Fashion. Travelling. We can live in a way that we are always around that."
Shaking his head, Kurt turned away. "Blaine, you have always lived in a bit of a bubble. You are lucky. Insulated from the harder things in life. You told me yourself. You were gay-bashed once, but then stuck in an exclusive boarding school with staff to watch over you. I had years of being thrown into dumpsters and against lockers, with staff turning a blind eye."
"And it was crappy that you had to deal with that-"
"I've had to work hard for everything I have. I was cooking and cleaning and helping my dad in the shop since elementary school. I sewed my own clothes, and shopped sales. I worked in a diner to pay my rent in New York, and still got top grades."
"Yes, but that doesn't mean- "
"Blaine," Kurt sighed, "I told you from the start I'm a one-man kind of guy. I don't want to get involved with someone who isn't a good match for me. I do like you, do find you attractive, but we are too different for a long-term relationship."
"I work hard. Nobody's handed this job to me," Blaine said, feeling a bit insulted now.
Kurt looked out over the waves again. "I think I should shut up now. I've probably said too much."
Blaine sighed in frustration. "Just give it to me straight, Kurt."
"Maybe you could ask yourself if you'd be able to live outside this safe little world. Could you figure out how to rent an apartment, cook and clean and do laundry. Work, commute, and try to fit in a social life. Live like a regular person."
"Why?"
"For art. You are talented, but you could do so much more than singing covers six days a week. Get out there and live a real life around real people. Write songs about that."
Scoffing, Blaine turned away. "You think I'm soft. Took the easiest path. Live in a fantasy vacation lifestyle instead of the real world."
Kurt's lips pressed together into a thin line, but he didn't say anything.
"So, I should quit my job and move into a crappy apartment with a dozen poor people and look for regular jobs. And that will transform me into a better, deeper person you'd deign to be with?"
"Deign to date. See if we get along well enough to be serious. I don't throw myself around," Kurt snapped, eyes glittering with challenge.
Blaine scoffed. "And I do. I'm a slut. I'm surprised you are even talking to me."
Kurt sighed, and took Blaine's hand. "Look, before my dad married Carole, it was years of just the two of us. We were different but he was my world. He gave me his version of 'The Talk' when I was in high school."
"And he knew you were gay by then?" Blaine asked, trying to imagine his own parents trying to have the sex talk with him and couldn't. They were far too conservative and stuffy. Blaine had learned things from friends and the Internet.
"Yeah, I'd come out to him, although he wasn't surprised at all," Kurt said, nodding, one corner of his mouth curling up a bit at the memory. "I was pretty naive about sex for being that age. He warned me- "
He felt like he was back in their old kitchen, his Dad in his ever-present baseball cap.
...With two guys, you've got two people who think that sex is just sex. It's gonna be easier to come by, and once you start doing this stuff you're not gonna want to stop. You just, you gotta know that it means something. You know. It's doing something – to you, to your heart, to your self esteem. Even though it feels like you're just having fun...
Emotions rose up, and Kurt dug in his pocket for a tissue to dab at his eyes. He carried one for times like this, when grief hit him.
Blaine put a comforting hand in his back, and Kurt turned towards him. He lowered his face down to his shoulder and took a few deep breaths, collecting himself.
"I'm so sorry, Blaine," Kurt said softly, lifting his head to meet his gaze. "We became friends and I shouldn't have let it go further than that. I was a bit drunk and feeling lonely at New Year's, and let things happen I normally wouldn't."
Blaine scoffed, feeling hurt. "And almost every night since? Hanging out together during the days?"
Kurt shrugged a shoulder. "Most of it was hanging out like we had before, with our friends..."
"Come on, Kurt. You know it was more than that," Blaine tried to keep his voice level.
Sighing, Kurt pulled his hand away, and crossed his arms tight against his chest. "Yes, I know. I guess part of me figured since we'd had sex once, it wasn't a big deal if we had more. You knew I wasn't going to be on the ship much longer, and sex is a pretty casual thing for you."
Blaine got up, feeling angry and hurt, and looked out at the sea for a few minutes. He eventually turned around. "So, it really didn't mean anything to you? It was just friends with benefits while we were both on board?"
Kurt got up got stand beside him. "I thought that was what most of the single guys of the crew did."
"But what about your big speech to me, months ago?" Blaine threw back, feeling even angrier now. "How you were a one-man guy and all that? I thought everything we were doing lately was because I was that for you."
"Fuck," Kurt said, and put a hand on Blaine's shoulder. "I'm so sorry. I never thought of what we had that way. We have such different lifestyles and you are really happy here. I'll be back home in a week."
Blaine sniffed, trying to hold back tears. "And your little cruise ship fling with the slutty musician will be just a fond memory then? Something to confess to your next boyfriend? The naughty exception to your rule?" He shrugged off Kurt's hand.
"I'm sorry, Blaine. I didn't know you felt this way. I didn't mean to hurt you," Kurt said, his voice rough. And then he turned and walked away fast.
...
Blaine stayed there, feeling a bit shocked and numb still. He eventually went to his cabin, avoiding chatting with crew mates, giving a quick subdued greeting and walking fast. He just needed to be alone.
He had been such a fool. For Kurt, they had been friends, and added sex the past few weeks.
He couldn't keep from rehashing every second with Kurt. Feeling instantly attracted to him, having a hard time getting to know him, and feeling so good after the waterfall. Kurt didn't let in people easily, and he could tell from the Broadway group he was loyal to his friends. They had grown closer, and Blaine knew the attraction was building too. New Year's hadn't happened out of the blue. It had been the result of all those weeks.
And even if Kurt hadn't had that many lovers in the past, he couldn't deny things were incredibly intense between them. It didn't fizzle after a few nights when their curiosity was satisfied. It kept getting better, more open and intimate. He knew every inch of Kurt's body. They spent hours and hours in bed, just touching and exploring. Those times after sex when they cuddled and talked.
He'd let himself be blinded by that. He'd gotten a guy who didn't take sex lightly to sleep with him. He'd jumped to the conclusion that he meant something to Kurt from that. The morning after, the next day, there had been no regrets and pulling away. Kurt had given no signals like that.
But had he given any signals he wanted a full relationship? They hadn't talked at all about the future, about how they'd manage things when Kurt was off the ship. Blaine hadn't brought it up either. Had he been fooling himself too? Unwilling to look deeper at things in the moment?
Sam has even warned him, and Blaine has brushed him off. Shit...
...
-'Defying Gravity' is from the musical 'Wicked' (2003), and was originally sung by Idina Menzel.
'Don't Stop Me Now' by Queen is from their 1978 album 'Jazz'.
