CHAPTER 53
"Liv, I wanna marry you—!"
Like a bullet shot through her heart, Olivia stunned.
She kinda expected him to storm away, to catch up and yell an explanation out of her… but not this.
Where on earth did this come from?
She wondered if her brain made voices again, or he was… drunk?
The next second, she found she was looking at him in the eyes.
The white steam blew out of his parted lips, announced that she was not in an illusion, not at all, unfortunately, but a living nightmare more like, and that worried face fogged in his warm breathing was where she dared not to look at.
"Please, please hear me out, Liv." His hands reached out, but withdrew as she flinched. "Sorry, sorry… I know I don't, even have a ring in my pocket…" As they stood under the street lamp now, he was like a blind regained eyesight, stunned by what he was seeing. "…Where's your coat?"
Her skinny shaky body wore just a red slip dress and a barely buttoned white shirt, which obviously was some guy's for it was so long that already covered the dress hemline (and that dress might be the shortest one he'd ever seen on her); down there, her long bare legs trembled even more visible, that he couldn't help but fear those high heels would hurt her at any minute.
She tensed up as his shocking eyes moving down. "The hell are you staring at?!"
Face turning aside, his hands wasted no time to unbutton his anorak.
"No need. I'm-"
He'd already put it on her fast and gently, "You're freezing." trying to pull her into his embrace.
"I said I'm fine!…" She even surprised herself by how hard she pushed them apart.
It was like another punch in the face, but Elliot said nothing. It wasn't her, wasn't normal… just the trauma.
As her nose catching the familiar smell of his aftershave, Olivia subconsciously shifted shoulders and saved the coat from slipping in her sudden move, despite she didn't really dare to breathe in. This man truly felt like home, always and forever… but funny thing was, now she probably preferred anywhere the far away from this reality the better. Home was where you licked wounds, where you bared your soul… And she hadn't even looked in any mirror for only God knows how long.
"Ok, ok." His sigh sounded cautious.
Part of her was guilty as hell for treating him like trash, again, while the other part irritated deeply by the "I don't blame victim's aggressive" all over his face.
Eventually, she put arms through these sleeves, zipped up. "I'm sorry… Let's just- Can we pretend nothing happened?" She whispered in a soft, cold tone.
Elliot's gut twisted.
Somehow, a memory came up in his brain. Since he was a teen, he'd always known it was blood or mucus running down his nostril, before actually saw it on the tissue, but he was always eager to wipe and look anyway, expecting no surprise.
Bad news were better than surprise.
"So," a shiver ran down his spine in the cold night air, "…it's a no. I got it. I understand… Worst timing, huh? Damn. Sorry… But, why?" It burst out as he regretted already. All his life, Elliot always looked down at someone asking this kind of stupid questions after propose was turned down. What why? Because she doesn't love you, she's gay, she's waiting for Cabot. And you raped her, hurt her, hurt her too many times… You don't deserve. How about that.
He felt like an ass, as she literally was struggling for an appropriate answer. "Liv, it's ok. It's ok… I don't want to put you in a tough spot. I just, you know, sometimes a guy couldn't help but need to try his luck, no matter how slim the chance felt… as long as it means a lot to him." A sad smirk on the corner of his mouth died within a second. "Yeah, I know, maybe I got my chance before…"
Olivia's eyes reddened.
"It was just… I felt I hadn't, I haven't yet gathered enough courage to ask for a second chance, to prove that I love you with all my heart. Cuz deep down I feel I don't deserve it… but not a day goes by that I don't feel that you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Every meal, every drink, I really want you to be my side, safe and sound… You don't know how hurt it is, that every step with you all along this bloody hard road but unable to do any fucking thing! You never-… How I wish you could just let me in and help you, Olivia. I'd scoop my damn heart out and put it right on your hand as long as you fucking accept it!"
"Why I… NO! I'll never-"
"But I did it already! I sold the house, sold the business, borrowed some, and, plus the pension…"
"You- what?! …" Her face went deadly pale as her bloodshot eyes widened. "No. No, no… How could y- You got children to raise, send to the college… Are you, are you losing your mind?!"
"Losing my mind… Tell you what, if I was crazy, I'd totally make a Goddamn cage to lock you in, until take care of everything, and send you directly to that operation table all the way without you foot touching the ground!… so I wouldn't have become the biggest dumbfuck in the world, barely aware of any shit, even… Aw, fuck." His poor hair was rubbed roughly in his own hands. "I trusted you, trusted you so much, Olivia. At least that's what I've been lecturing myself to, let alone you did such a brilliant job to convince me that everything was perfect, and as stupid as I am, I …" He took a second to control the surging emotion. "Why?!" Great. The second why. But this time he just let go of his arrow for couldn't hold any longer. "How could you do THIS to yourself rather than for God's sake treat me somehow like a… a friend?! Am I still a friend to you?… Jesus, Olivia… You want money for the surgery, wanna find out the truth about McAlinden, and yes, I know you're seeking a revenge… You think any of these I can't understand or I won't back you up?! We could've pull through all these troubles with fucking minimal effort, Olivia! You never should've to be like THIS!"
This.
A brutal sting hit Olivia in the gut. She nodded. "Well, it is what it is. I did this to myself." {"Once a bitch, always a bitch." }
"No, I'm not saying it's your fault. I mean-"
"You didn't say anything wrong, except for the shit hole part. It's not. They got what I need, I provide what they want, no one owes anyone. Isn't it beautiful?"
She smiled.
He didn't. "You called it beautiful? What the hell is wrong with… Fuck. All these costs I can only imagine-… Oh, nope, I can't. I probably will never be able to get half of it… Just, honestly, Liv, for God's sake, you know it's totally not fucking worth to feed those beasts with what you life relies on, all the preciousness, dignity, the goodness of existence… It killed me! Killed me in a fucking excruciating way!" His voice broke. "So what the fuck I am to you, I'm still waiting. Such a horrible move, but you haven't even leaked a fucking word to me!"
"I can't! I can't… Because it's not fair to you! Because it will be nothing but my pathetic ass begging for money if I come to anyone."
"Am I anyone?!"
"No! But you're not a millionaire! I've never doubted that you'd totally do every fucking thing in your power to drag me out of the mire." I'm your partner for better or worse. She looked down, hiding her welling up eyes from him. "I'm not ungrateful, El. I remember everything, every time you helped me to pick up the pieces and put them back in place… But putting you through my shit is not what I want. It's the least I want, on the contrary! I don't have any right to do so. How much more I'm gonna keep taking from you? You got family, kids… the rest of your life to live, and out of all these, this hollow… is not something you can fill."
"But you can fill on your own?"
"Gold and diamond is just toilet paper for those rich perverts in and out here." She looked away from him.
Every word squeezed hard on Elliot's stomach. "How big is the hollow we're talking about?"
Olivia's mouth opened and closed, but nothing came out.
"Tell me, please."
"Doesn't matter." She frowned. "Forget it."
"TELL ME!"
"Fuck off!" Her snap sounded like scream even, but her face and entire body language had frightened written all over.
Damn. Realizing he scared her, Elliot quickly raised hands half in in surrender half in protection, in case she tripped or something, but he knew better not to touch her brusquely now, even though she started to sweat and breathe quickly. "Liv, look at me. You ok? I'm sorry... Breathe slowly."
Recognizing his voice out of all the horrible shouts and laughs in her head, Olivia crawled back to where they were. "It's over." She hated how weak her voice sounded. "All the plan, everything… All fucked the fucking up! I was so close to solve him, when out of nowhere your Goddamn UC suddenly jumped out and turned the table!"
Mind was racing, Elliot stilled. Him?
"Look what are you doing here, Elliot, seriously. To arrest, or propose? You don't want marry me, El, you just want the same old Olivia Benson to come back and take away all the shame and misery you're now too tired to deal with!"
This accusation set angry fire on his bleeding heart. "I am hurt, but I'm not shamed. You hear me? I'm here because I KNEW something went wrong that day in the hospital elevator, and you're not gonna tell me a shit. So I worked on it, got some help, just in case anything goes wrong and put you in danger. Yeah, I fucked up eventually. If I hadn't run into your doctor today, who told me about your tests and surgery schedule, I probably would never come to check your 'empty' place," he paused, doing an air quotes. "and follow you here… Long story short, I'm… I'm here to take you home, to be your home. Just this simple. In my eyes, you ARE exactly the same old stubborn Benson yourself, nothing superfluous, nothing lacking."
Am I? His burning eyes were looking back and forth between hers, making Olivia want to run away and die here at the same time.
However, her heart cooled down.
"You sure you know the old stubborn Benson? If you do, you'd know that if she were here, she'd probably be an emotion wrack now, kissing God's toes for been hearing her teary prays and confessions all the years, finally let the man she spent more time with than anyone else in the world, the man she had the longest relation with, open his eyes and realize she was the one he couldn't live without… But sorry. I'm just not her."
She didn't even blink, while his hot tears dripping.
"What you want from me? This is my life, El. I assume that you want me to live, to eat, sleep, recover… I want, too, but life is not all about just these. My battered, leftover life still got some purpose in it. You know how long I've been waiting for this? How many horrible days, hours and minutes I endured for just getting a perfect moment to be with him?!… You took that from me, and you're no difference than those sick beasts! …" {"Swallow it!" "You like that?… Bet you do… I knew what you bitches like. Turn around. TURN AROUND!"}
Flashbacks poured into her ears and head all over again. The brunette squeezed eyes shut, biting on her lower lip hard, waiting for everything to pass. Breathe… Breathe…
When she came back, she literally felt her stomach contents already waving in the bottom of her throat. And there were a pair of strong hands holding her both elbows tightly, saying something in deep concern.
"I'm ok." She assured him.
"Bullshit. What they… what they did to you?" It took him so much not to pull her into an embrace and let her tears just fall with his.
Olivia brusquely brushed her eyes, turned away. Her tone hardened. "I was with him, alone, while my fucking hand pressing right on the .38 on the back of my thigh… So close. I was so damn close to blow his fucking head off!"
Elliot felt he got who the hell that he was. "You mean…"
"Yeah, 100% it was Ryan McAlinden, even with that fucking silicone mask on his face."
"Mask…?"
"I knew it was him. The way he staring at me, smiling at me…"
"Just, a pair of eyes-"
"T Walker is a fucking skeleton! Couldn't just walk in, come to my face with that, with a tree branch in hand!" Her body trembled harder, as her face turned green. "Bet that bastard did a lot of homework to learn the details of my case."
The image Elliot played in mind, sickened him to the gut. "Wait. Wh- What mask? Like, a, a silicone mask made from T's face? You sure?… Why do this? What was his purpose? For scaring you or…"
The two former partners looked silently into each other's eyes, searching for sense.
"You are doubting my sanity, aren't ya?" Olivia caught the tiny questioning gleam in the bottom of his pupils.
"No. No…" Elliot denied, but. "… just, when was your last real sleep?"
"Fuck you!"
Elliot dropped eyelids, letting her glare burn holes on him. Yeah, she was right. He did doubt it was her illusion, based on her mental condition, besides, there was no other direct evidence showing Ryan was alive…
But his gut felt that, too. All the time, always, he knew that sonofabitch was still out there, hiding, watching, luring her out, as hard as she luring him.
The siren got louder, Elliot cleared his mind. "Ok, let's just get the hell out of here. They're coming."
Though the brunette didn't move. "I'm not going. I need to be here, in case… I feel he could be running out from that door in any minute."
What? Elliot narrowed eyes. "You can't be serious… Oh, great. What if he took the other way, or taken down already, or… Just saying, that you ever thought about that he wasn't there at all?… Ok, ok, he's here, he runs out, and then what? You beat the SWAP and takes him down first?"
The way she met his eyes, said he guessed right.
"Damn, Liv. You're not undercover or… You know what the police gonna do when they find a woman dress like this wondering around here, in the middle of the night? Here? C'mon, let's go!"
"Like I care." She leaned back, gun in her hand suddenly. "Back off. Leave!"
Couldn't believe he was facing the barrel, Elliot widened eyes. "You're gonna shoot me?"
"Don't make me, El." She gasped, looking back and forth between where the sirens came from and somewhere behind Elliot. "Listen. My damn knees are fucking killing me and I need to ran down those side stairs before the cops are here. I'll hide there and wait for him. Don't make things any harder to me, Elliot. Just go!"
"You won't make it!"
"I count three. One, two…"
"Olivia, think! That man wore a mask, and you could still tell?"
Just one brief distraction, Olivia found her hands were empty already, and she barely remembered him moved.
"Sorry, Liv, Liv!… Stop, please. Listen…"
He tucked the gun in his belt quickly, a little sad as how easy she gave up fighting. "C'mon... You must be exhausted, cold…" He took her into his arms and rubbed her back. "Damn. You're freezing. After a hot bath and some sleep, you sure will be glad in the morning that you didn't do anything stupid tonight…" Before he finished, a loud crushing noise made both of them jump.
Elliot jerked around, and completely petrified.
A bloody man seemed like just… fell off, or jumped off the building and hit hard on the top of a car. Red blood splashed everywhere, steamed down along the sagged ceiling and smashed windshield.
He was about to turn to Olivia, and another loud noise startled him again.
The same door where Olivia just got out of, was kicked open. A dark figure stumbled out, who was average height, in a black hoodie coat, quickly glancing everywhere around, like not sure which way to go.
Suddenly, he spotted them.
Just one look at those eyes, which mostly hid in the shadow of the hoodie, Elliot immediately comprehend what Olivia just said. "I knew it was him. The way he staring at me, smiling at me…"
Their eyes contact was barely a millisecond, and Elliot's instinct had drove his hand to the gun. Too bad, it felt a little late, as he heard the slight click of a gun drawing.
"WATCH OUT!"
Honestly, he didn't think he heard gunshot as he grabbed Olivia and fell. Hitting the ground, out of shock and horror, Elliot was grateful that he basically enveloped Olivia with his whole body and her head felt landed on the side of his shoulder instead of the cold hard cement. Checking on her and himself as fast as he could, Elliot had already pulled out the gun, rolled to a shoot position.
But the man had already run around the corner of the alley.
"FUCK!"
"That's McAlinden. It's him. Go get him!" Olivia yelled from behind.
Turning back, Elliot couldn't help but recheck her from head to toe as she dragging herself up on feet. "Liv, you ok?"
She nodded. "I'll be waiting at that intersection. Pick me up there. Hurry!"
Elliot's brain was crazily calculating the distance, time and risk. The fastest way was he just leave her and got him all alone. But no. No way he could leave her…; And if he carried her and got back to the car together, that bastard would be long gone. And this shitty alley was definitely too narrow to any car... Shit. And it wasn't safe neither for her waiting alone at the intersection in the middle of the nigh.
"What the fuck are you waiting for?!"
He could hear the police siren was getting very close. "I'll Call 911. And stay at somewhere bright I can find you easily, ok?"
"I will. And give my gun back."
Big hesitation suddenly made his arm as heavy as a mountain. But he did as told, anyway. That was his partner, who he had to trust, always had and always would trust... and the woman he just proposed. "To protect yourself, only. Promise."
Taking it, "I can't." Olivia walked directly passed him.
—-
