While I'd like to think my friends hadn't made much of a point with their intervention, it was Dr. Guest's prompting that I decided to carefully analyze the past nine months. There wasn't much time until my meeting and I was still flipping through the pages of my diary. I hadn't written in it for a few days. Not that there had been much to add. It had been even longer since I had bothered to look back.

I flipped to the part I had written about my first day of college. It almost seemed embarrassing reading about my past self. I thought Katerina was a bitch and was too good to bother with anyone not up to my standards. And then there was Matt. Someone who actually listened and enjoyed what I had to say about the most insignificant things. Someone who encouraged me to look more outside my own bubble. He brought me so many new experiences and feelings that my chest tightened reading the words. I had been so happy. Even before I had acknowledged I had feelings for him, I was gushing about him all over my diary pages. How nice he was to deal with a spaz like me. How cute and quiet he was and that all I wanted was to get to know him better. Almost every entry had centered around Matt.

I frowned as I turned through the pages. I could see myself turning into a better person. With one huge exception. I hadn't realized how many of my entries had centered around Matt. I shook my head and returned my diary to my hiding spot. I had to make my meeting with the academic advisor.


Despite looking back though my experiences since the first day, I found myself drawing a blank sitting in the lobby. I still had no idea what I wanted to major in.

"Jules, " one of the academic advisors called out.

"It's Jules, " I said reflexively and stood up. I was confused for a hot minute there. Had she actually said Jules the first time?

"Come on in, " she said.

I followed the advisor into her office.

"Now, " she said. "It looks like you're in the exploratory program." she flipped through some papers from a file with my name on it. "It looks like every teacher thought you did well in each of the portions. What did you think of the experience?"

"Honestly, " I sighed. "I learned a lot. I definitely found things I liked and didn't like. But I wouldn't be able to tell you what I wanted to major in. There are lots of things I was interested in. Like journalism and IT and marketing and business and music and everything."

"From my understanding, you've been running a blog about your college experience."

"Oh..." I said awkwardly. Had Arthur put that in the review about me.

"It's very popular. Has that been something you've enjoyed doing?"

"Yeah, " I said. "But that doesn't have anything to do with choosing a major."

"Why not?" the advisor asked.

I was starting to get flustered. "Because I just talk about a lot of awesome random stuff. I can't stick to one topic. I wouldn't even call what I do any sort of journalism. I'm just messing around."

"No one ever said you had to stick to one topic, Jules. You may consider it just messing around right now, but have you considered making that a little more sophisticated?"

I looked at them with disbelief. "I'm listening."

"Part of what makes your blog entertaining is your passion for a variety of subjects. Sort of a jack of all trades and master of none. I'm saying that there is a way for you to be a master of sorts at being a jack of all trades. Have you ever considered majoring in independent studies?"

"I..." I sat back. "I didn't think that was a real thing."

"It is what you make it to be, which is probably the hardest part about it. You'd need to work closely with an academic advisor and department heads to figure out exactly what your curriculum would entail. Not many people are up to the task and end up settling for a conventional major, but I feel like this may be a worthwhile option for you."

"What exactly would I need to do?"

"Over the summer, we'll have to come up with a gameplan. I can send you a course catalog for each department and you can decide what seems interesting to you. After that, we'll nail down our options, get approval from the department heads, and then follow through."

"Then, yeah, let's do that, " I said starting to feel a weight coming off my chest and back.

"Alright, " she said and started writing down some notes.

"So...does that mean you're a fan of my blog?" I asked teasingly.

"I'm a fan of you, Jules," she said. "The blog itself can use some work. But I for one can't wait to see where you'll take it next."

I felt heat building up in my face. "That...that actually means a lot. Could I get a hug?"

"Sure, Jules. Whatever you'll need. We'll work on it together."


I don't know what made me do it. Maybe it was the adrenaline of figuring out a little bit more about my future. Maybe I was just desperate to have my friends back. Maybe I was just nostalgic. But I decided to walk by Chicks.

It had been about a month since I had even been in. But I was just walking by. That was all. Still, I felt my stomach clenched when I looked through the window at our table. At Matt's table. It was empty.

I don't know exactly why I decided to go in. Janet noticed me right away.

"Jules!" she exclaimed. "It's been too long sweetie. How are you?"

"I'm...fine, " I said, a little thrown off from her niceties.

"Sit down. I'll get your order fired up."

Semi-reluctantly, I sat down at a booth. Not our booth, but a booth nonetheless. Way back in the corner

"I didn't think I'd see you again until next semester, " Janet said as she brought out a coffee for me. "Matt already paid off his tab."

"Oh, " I said.

As much as I enjoyed the familiar feeling of the cloth seat cushion and the smell of coffee and bacon, I needed to distract myself. It was somewhat of a relief that I knew Matt wasn't going to catch me here.

I brought out my laptop and went to my blog. There was less than 10 minutes before I was supposed to go live. I suppose this was as good a place as any. I made some of the preparations and got a live chat going. Already there were a few people on the site ready to chat.

I tried to think about what I wanted to talk about. My options were few and far between as the timer got ever closer. I was just going to have to wing it. I turned on the webcam.

"Hey everyone!" I said cheerily. "Here I am! Pretty hot, right? It's the last day of the semester. I finally figure out what my major should be, so that's pretty awesome."

Sparkles96: What did you decide?

"Independent studies, " I answered. "I obviously couldn't decide on one thing. I'm selfish like that." I could feel my smile starting to slip off.

Tiddies6969: What's the matter, Jules?

420Kushinblaze: don't be so hard on yourself!

"No, guys, let's be real. I am selfish. Despite what I portray on here. I'm not perfect or all-knowing. I do some really dumb shit."

MythicalMaid: like at the football game?

Chicks4lyfe: or stealing livestock?

"Borrowing livestock, " I corrected. "And all of those are small fries. I've been doing some self-reflecting since I've just finished up freshman year. I've..." I cleared my throat. "The problem is I think it was ultimately the right thing? It just feels so much like the wrong thing looking back."

PoppyCocks: Want to talk about it?

SplNT: I neeeeeeed the deeeeeets

"It's nothing guys. I had broke up with my boyfriend, and..." Tears did not have permission to well up in my eyes. "I'm pretty sure he was the best thing to ever happen to me. Or ever will probably."

FilmFanatic: awww :'(

Maniacal311: how come?

Tiddies6969: so you're single?

I wiped at my face. "I'm not trying to be melodramatic. I don't really want to talk about what happened here. Long story short, it was my fault. I bailed cause I was scared..." My mouth popped open at that. I hadn't ever admitted that out loud before. "The future is scary, and truth is, I wanted a future with him. He was the only thing about the future I wanted." The tears were just streaming now. "Thinking back over the past year, I felt so much happiness with him. Even just talking or...or sitting across from each other in silence. And now I'm sad and lonely because I'm not confident that he could be happy with me. Not in the long run. So, I hurt him. On purpose. I told a bunch of lies too ridiculous to believe. But I think the biggest most ridiculous lie is when I told myself I didn't love him."

My heart just absolutely broke with my talked out revelation. "I love him. I love absolutely everything about him. His voice, his hair, his touch, his ambition, his personality, his generosity, his demeanor. The face he makes when people call him the wrong name. The face he makes when I-I say his name. The way we fit together. I miss him so badly. I messed up. I fucked up, guys. I shouldn't have hurt him. The consequences are killing me. At least if our break up had been drawn out neither of us would have to feel all this hurt at once."

My eyes were too blurry to read the chat. "So yeah. I broke up with the love of my life kind of dumb. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. It's very personal, and I don't think I could fix it if I tried. I don't think he would even talk to me. And I already deleted his number."

I had one second of warning before I was kissed. I had barely seen him coming over the top of my laptop. My ears had barely registered the delay in audio echoed back to me. Matt practically crashed into the booth. His hands were rough as he held my face to his. His lips were hard and soft as he connected with mine. Again and again unrelenting.

"Matt!?" I squeaked out barely between breaths.

"Jules, you absolute idiot." He wrapped me up in his arms, kissing me and caressing me over my clothes.

When I finally had a chance to kiss him back, I found the feeling all too overwhelming. I held his face and found his cheeks to be just as tear-streaked as mine.

"I d-don't understand..." I breathed.

"Shut up, " he hissed. "I'm absolutely livid."

I was quiet for a few seconds as he kissed all over my skin "You don't seem all that mad," I laughed out nervously.

He held my face firmly, making sure my eyes were locked with his. "Oh, I'm mad. The only thing sparing you is that I love you so much more than I'm angry."

I started crying again. "Matt, I am so s-"

"Stop! That's not what I want to hear, " he demanded.

"I love you, " I said quickly. My heart felt elated. "IloveyouI-"

He interrupted me again, kissing me this time. More softly. With care. Like going back to an old habit.

He still looked mad when he stopped. "Now was that so hard?" he asked.

"It's the hardest thing I've done in my life. Why are you so sweaty? Did you run here?"

"All the way from the science building."

I finally thought to look back at my laptop. The chat was blowing up. Conspiracies were seemingly confirming that Alfie and I were an item.

"Guys, no, this is Matt, " I said awkwardly. "He is my-"

Matt reached out and closed the laptop.

"We need to talk, " he said. "Now. My apartment."

"But I..."

"Janet, " he barked. "Could you please make her order to go and start a new tab?"

"But what about medical school?" I squeezed in.

"What about medical school?" He looked annoyed that I wasn't getting up.

"Your dream. The Ivy League school. I don't want to take that away from you."

"The only reason that was my 'dream' was because it was far away from my family. I'm not giving up my dream for you. My dream includes you. And that means going to an equally reputable medical school here in California."

"Oh."

"And if you had just stayed and talked to me, we could have worked all this through together. I've been miserable, Jules."

"I know. I'm sorry. I love you?"

His face softened marginally. "You're going to have to make this up to me."

"I know."

"And I'll never forget that you did this. I don't even know when I'm going to forgive you."

Janet wordlessly dropped off the box.

"Grab your stuff, we're going."

I obeyed. I put my laptop and box in my bag and followed him out.

"What will I need to do?" I asked.

"Every time you talk to me for the next month, you need to say you love me."

"I love you."

"Good. And for the next year, I want to spend every possible moment together. You can't ever break up like that with me again. I at least deserve to be able to talk some sense into you."

"That's a lot of demands, I love you."

"It's more than my time to be selfish."

"But Matt, I'm still really nervous about when you leave. I love you, and I obviously don't do well with separation. How will we possibly manage that?"

"We'll figure that out after."

"After what, my love?"

"After I strip you naked, throw you on my bed, and make love to you, idiot."

I laughed and picked up the pace.

"Your roommate hates me. I love you."

"He'll get over it."