-Dylan's POV Dec 27 1993 10:00 pm- I was going to bed soon enough, thinking that my memories were just kind of hazy, and nobody would have really understood what the hell I was actually feeling right now. People were probably thinking that I was just some cute kid or something like that. Maybe in a way, I was, but there was something that I was doing that I knew was not going to be viewed as very cute to many people. The fact that I was wanting to so badly go out and actually go outside and play. You know, to actually do something that I knew was actually going to be at least sort of fun here.
I was wanting to finally go out there, and do something exciting for once. I did not want to be stuck here, when everybody was off doing their own thing, and was actually doing something they enjoyed. I had felt like maybe when they were going to do something out there, and basically play their own game at life, I was feeling like maybe I could have gone out and done something more exciting than anything I had done.
But despite what I had been feeling, and despite what I had been wanting to do, I knew that my parents were going to be pretending like I was not going to be ready to do something that could let me go out there and play for several hours longer and stuff. They were going to be pretending like I was too young, and as a result, that I was going to just be saying something stupid for even pretending to suggest that Drake nad I do something more than pretty much stay behind and at this house.
a way, I was having a bad feeling that they were never going to let me be happier. They were never going to let me do something that would have actually been fun. They were going to just treat us like we were unready little kids. But I was not wanting them to be feeling this way, and I was not going to really know what I was wanting to do. I was just wishing that maybe Drake and I were going to just have to share the boring misery of all of this together, and that was something that I had felt like was going to be able bring us all together in some form or fashion.
Despite what I was feeling, something about the idea of not knowing what was out there was actually kind of exciting. The idea of pretty much sort of just guessing what everything would have been like. I mean, I doubt that it would have been that easy, but I was sort of wishing that I could be able to understand what the answers here. And if I would get to know everything, then I would be able to just go along for the ride. And know what was making Lydia barely see us anymore.
I mean, every day up until about a month or so ago, Lydia would come on and see how we were doing. She would say hi to us, and she would grab us, and play with us, and she would actually make us feel welcome in a way. I had wished that she would have done more than what she had been doing lately, and due to what she was doing now, I was starting to wonder if Lydia actually cared for us, and if Lydia was wanting us to be happier in a way, or if she was just sort of doing her own thing without even giving so much as a second thought to this all.
I was seeing that Drake was pretty much already asleep, and that he was pretty much laying still like a rock. I was kind of impressed by how he was able to do that every night. Pretty much just sleep as if nothing was going on. I was wanting to know how I could be able to get Drake to show me his strange ways of being able to do this. But then I was shaking my head, feeling like I was just being a bit silly, and that I just needed to not be thinking too deeply into this right now.
I was thinking about what it would be like to go out and sneak up the stairs, and see what my older siblings were doing. Since they were always making so much noise here, and I was feeling like they were having so much fun all the time, that I was kind of jealous over what they were doing. I had felt like maybe I just needed to go on and get to know what they were doing, and then once I would know what they were doing, then maybe I could join along and play with them.
Sure they might have considered me too young to know how to play with them, but I was feeling like it was going to be worth a try. I was thinking that the worst that could happen was that they would pretty much just tell me that something like this was just not going to really work out too well, and they would tell us to sort of just end this whole charade. It would suck, and I would not really like it, but I would be able to get over it soon enough.
Maybe if they were going to be able to explain the rules of their games to me, then I would be able to sort of know what was going on, and then I would be able to sort of play with them better, and then I was going to finally feel like I was going to be fully accepted into their social groups. All that I had needed to do was just get them to finally reach out to me, and get them to at least act as if I was sort of able to know what the hell I was doing. And if they enjoyed my company, maybe we could have more of a fun time than they ever imagined.
I was feeling like if anybody was going to be accepting of telling me what they were doing, that it would be Lydia. I was feeling like Lydia would be cool with letting me tag along with some of her things. I just wanted to find the most likely person to be letting me do something like this. Even if the chances were not that good, I was feeling like I needed to just reach out, and see how well I would make something like this work.
In a way though, there was a small part of me that was feeling like I was needing to not even try to do something like this. If I even tried to get to know some information from them, they were probably just going to tell me to go away. And while I was aware of the fact that they were wanting to do their own thing, I was feeling like maybe if I was going to get Lydia to talk, maybe we would be able to work out something better for us.
I was wondering why mom and dad had the whole five years old rule for playing outside. I mean, Henry didn't go outside that much. In fact, the last few weeks to month or so was the first time that I had seen him do anything of the nature. And I was feeling like perhaps I was needing to just see what the heck he was doing. I was going to just try to get to know what he was doing, and when I would know the truth, I was feeling like I would be fine with putting it aside, and just leaving the case alone.
It was just the fact that all he did was watch movies every day for several hours a day, and I was feeling like if you tried to actually get him to explain why he liked these movies so much, he would probably just say that it was not a big deal, and that he likes to watch people get killed in creative ways. Kind of dark and disturbing, but I guess that as long as he enjoyed it, I was not going to be getting in his business on this whole thing.
Besides, I was feeling like maybe there was a small part of him that was feeling like the movies were the only way to be feeling like he was going to be himself, and while I don't think that I would ever come close to getting it, I was not going to be trying to be forcing anything onto him, in fear of the over reaction that he could be able to produce if I were to do this. And with that, I once again decided to just not be getting in his way on this.
Once I was at the living room, I was seeing that the only one who was awake was Seth, and when I was seeing him awake, I was seeing that he was talking on the phone with somebody. I was not needing to be a genius to know that what he was talking about was super serious business. That he was not really playing around with whatever was going on at all.
"I think that everybody in this house has gone totally crazy, and there is nothing even remotely resembling normalcy going on here. I feel like every time people talk about how insane it all is, they do not even realize that they are contributing to this." Seth was saying, and I was seeing him clearly looking like he was willing to hear what the other person say first, before he was going to be continuing this tirade that he was in the middle of going on right now.
"I mean, I feel like I need to let people be doing their own thing, and that I need to sort of just let them mind their own business, but good god, is it hard to do something like this. I wish that I were able to be taking this easy." After he was saying this to whoever was on the other side, I was seeing him rubbing his eyes, as if deep in thought on every single thing that he had been saying so far, and he was feeling like maybe he was needing to sort of pretend to understand where this guy was coming from.
"In all seriousness, I feel like maybe when I sort of see what the hell everybody has gone crazy over, I can perhaps pretend to try and make some difference. But in all reality, I do not really want to know what is happening here. If I learn what the truth is that they are getting into, I might be thinking that everything is blowing over." After Seth said that, he was sitting down on a chair finally, to continue talking here.
"I mean, yeah I do know some of the details on what is going on. But that does not mean that I am super interested in going any further in this. I mean, it feels like very few details that I do know are totally insane, and that people just need to take a chill pill, and sort of think about what they are doing." After Seth was saying this to the guy on the other line, I was seeing that he was clearly considering what he had been saying just now.
...
-Dec 29 1993 8:27 pm- I was really unsure of what I was going to be doing that day to make it less boring, and to get the day sort of over with faster. I mean, my parents were even around for me to do my once every week or so harassing of trying to get them to let me play outside or anything. I felt like doing this was the most exciting part of the day. Because at least with something like that, I was able to sort of have something that I could rely on that could make me pretend like what I was doing was not super boring. And there was only so much you can get out of toys.
My twin Drake was always too busy doing his own thing, playing with his own toys, that I could barely get him to pay attention to me on any regard whatsoever. In all honesty, I was kind of annoyed with the way that he was acting, and I was sort of wishing that he would just show some interest in hanging out with me or something like that. But in the end, I was feeling like something like this was just not going to be happening. And while it was kind of sucking, I was just wishing that he would at least be honest with it, and just tell me flat out in the start of this all.
But there was something that I had wished that I could be able to know that would maybe make this seem to be less hard for myself. I was kind of wishing to have Drake just tell me that maybe he would be able to find something else for me to do instead. At least if he was able to give me some ideas on what I could do instead of just sticking around to him like a sore thumb, then I would be able to branch out, and I would have a chance to not annoy him with anything like this.
But in a way, I was almost kind of wondering if his life was actually as exciting as I was wondering that it was. Maybe he was actually doing all of this stuff out of total boredom for his own thing, and that he was needing to do something on his own. I was kind of wondering what the chances of this would be. But then I was sighing, feeling as if maybe I was just needing to not focus on what my brothers were doing, and that maybe I just needed to try and do something for myself, if I was going to be making anything seem to be coming of more interest to this.
Eventually, I stopped thinking about it too much, knowing that it was none of my business, when I was seeing Henry coming along down stairs. I was seeing that he was looking like he was kind of busy, and I knew that if I was going to try and reach out to him, he would probably be annoyed as shit with me, and he would tell me to not be getting in his way about this. But at the same time, I was feeling like I just needed to try and see what was happening at this rate, and maybe if I tried harder, he would let me know, and maybe I could help him out in all actuality.
"Hey, are you really busy right now?" I asked, and then I was seeing him looking right at me. I was seeing that he was just trying to be patient with me, and I was seeing that he was clearly not wanting to be annoyed with me. But the way that I was suddenly approaching him, trying to get to know some stuff out of him, I was seeing that he was just wanting to sort of get this over with. And that maybe if he made his point clear, we could be able to get this whole thing over with.
"Yeah, I am busy. There is something that I have to take care of. Something with Jack." After Henry was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wondering if I was going to press him any further. I was feeling like maybe if he was going to be doing something like this, the two of us could maybe learn some information from each other. But the way that I was seeing him looking at me, and the way that I was seeing that there was a slight hint of annoyance, I was feeling like maybe I needed to be careful on what I was going to be doing now.
"Well, if you were fine with me coming along or something, maybe I can tag for a bit." I said, and I was just desperate to be doing something else with my time. As he was looking at me, I was seeing that maybe this was a mistake to even say something like this in the first place. But then he was sighing, clearly looking like he was not even in the mood to try and say more to me right now. But then I was seeing that Henry was clearly wanting to find something to say that would make me shut up.
"I am just playing detective with him. You probably wouldn't like it. Besides, mom and dad made it clear to us that we have to be at least five years old to go outside." Henry was saying, and I was seeing him clearly looking tired of this whole thing. I was seeing that he was wanting to say more. But that he was just not going to be wasting my time on this anymore. I was clearly wanting to know more, but I was feeling like his patience was going to wear out soon.
"Can I play along?" I asked, and then I was seeing Henry looking like his mind was on over pilot as he was looking at me at that moment. I clearly able to tell that there was no way that he was prepared for something like this. And I was feeling like maybe I could be able to get to know what was bothering him about such a thing. Then he was scratching his head, as if feeling like maybe he was going to be needing to just bail out of here as soon as possible, and make it look like he was able to do this without looking like a total douchebag.
"Maybe you can play along. I don't know. I think that this might not be a good idea. Please just understand that this is something that I think Jack might not be very supportive of." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was just wanting to get the hell out of here, and that he was needing to just wrap this up for his own sake. I was feeling like maybe I was just needing to be looking at a better solution to this whole thing, and that he was needing to just clearly plan harder in the future.
I was genuinely unable to see what the issue was, and I was feeling like maybe I was going to need to try and understand where Henry thought that this was a bad idea, and that maybe if he told me why this was a bad idea, I would be able to roll my eyes, be annoyed with this, but then get over it, and understand that maybe he was just wanting to have some time to his older brother, and have a good time.
In a way, I was almost feeling like it was kind of nice that he was able to try and reach out to Jack like this. And while I really wanted to play along, and while a small part of me felt the need to do so, I knew that there was that rule. So I was looking down, and then just trying to hide the small amount of tears that I did gather over something like this. Since even if I did get it, that did not mean that I had to much like it.
"If you want to go and hang out with him alone, go ahead." I said, and then I was wiping the tears up a bit. Then I was seeing that there was a genuine split second of regret on his face. I was seeing that Henry was clearly looking like he was not wanting to be dealing with this, and that doing this was rather annoying, but seeing me like this was something that he did not want much either.
"Dylan, I do not want to do this to you. This is really important. Trust me, I have no choice but to do this with just him." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be thinking about what to say more. But then he was shaking his head, as if feeling like maybe he was just going to leave the subject alone.
"Well, have some fun." I said, and then I was just wanting to examine the look on his face. To see if there was going to be something that he was going to say to this now. As I was seeing him looking at me, I was able to see him almost looking like such a idea was going to be hard. But that he was going to just pretend like what I had told him was within the realm of possibility. As I was seeing him looking like he was willing to at least pretend like this was not a issue, he was standing up, and then he was looking right at me, and then he played with me for a split second.
He was doing that thing were you rub peoples hair on top of their face, and you were trying to do it on a playful gesture, but a lot of the time, it just ends up feeling weird, and you end up feeling like they just want to treat you like a really little kid. Which I guess that I was. But that did not mean that I wanted him to basically rub it in my face every single second of the day.
"If there is something fun, I might be able to tell you." Henry said, and I was seeing him clearly looking like he was just wanting to say more, and that he was kind of worried about what he was saying, but that he was just not going to be much taking the risk, in fear of what I was going to be saying. But in all honesty, I was just sort of keeping all of my thoughts to myself. I was seeing that he was just trying to be nice, and I was feeling like him trying was more important than anything else in the world.
So with that, I was just feeling like it as time to be letting him go, and that he really did need to head out this time. And that I was not even going to be stopping him anymore. Henry was then looking at me for a second as he was grabbing a bunch of random stuff to put in a small back pack, and then he was walking to the stairs, and then he was just thinking of one final thing he would be able to say to me to make me feel better.
"I can invite you to play along when you turn five, if you wanted. You know, to sort of make up for everything that is going on. Just remind me later." Henry was telling me, and then I was seeing him sort of looking like he was wanting to be leaving the subject alone, in fear of what I was going to be saying next. I was thinking that I would just leave the subject alone, thinking that maybe this was going to be good enough, and that I was going to need to make him keep his word.
Once Henry was outside of the room, I was feeling like this whole thing was just a bit of a fucking lie. I was feeling like maybe Henry was wanting to just tell me that, to try and make me feel better. I did not really feel that way though, and I was feeling like maybe I should just remain quiet about it though. I was feeling like if I were to say anything on it, my siblings would probably just be laughing at me, and probably be talking about me behind my back and stuff.
As annoying as it might have been, a small part of me was feeling like that if I had continued to look into this, I would have been going crazy myself, and I would have been sort of wanting to play their game, and then I would be getting way too deeply into it, and I did not want them to be annoyed with what I was doing. Even if I was feeling like what I had been doing was perfectly valid in its own right. But to be honest, I was unsure what the issue really was going to be here.
I was just telling myself that if for nothing else, I was always able to just focus on one main thing that I was feeling like could have tried to make me feel better. You know, feeling better about the fact that my siblings were clearly thinking that maybe I was just needing to be taking things way less seriously. As much as something like this would have been annoying to me, I was thinking that stuff like respect with age was going to be a situation that I was going to be dealing with in spades soon enough, and that I just needed to get used to it soon enough.
As I was thinking about that though, and I was thinking about what it would be like to have my family to actually try and treat me with respect, and take me more seriously, I was feeling like this was just going to be the highest order that I would have even dreamed of trying to achieve. I was just sort of telling myself that I needed to be taking this easier, and that in the end, there was no way that this was anything different from just a random game.
I was feeling like this did have to be a game, and that there was no way that my siblings would be playing with something without at least letting us know what was going on. They would have let us know what they were doing if they were actually going much different than what I was assuming. This was the one thing that I had been telling myself over and over again, and was slowly just trying to get myself to change my entire perception that I had been creating here.
I was up the stairs, and I was looking around, to see that barely any of my siblings were around. I was feeling like perhaps Henry and Jack were out now, so I should not really be expecting any time to try and see what was going on with them. But at the same time, I was starting to think about what the heck I would even need to be doing now. I was thinking that perhaps I would go on and talk to Seth about what I heard a couple of days ago.
I was feeling like reaching out to Seth, and seeing what the problem was, and seeing how I could help that bloke out, was going to be the only thing that I had felt like mattered at the end of the day. But despite what was going on, I was thinking about what Seth would try to tell me if I were to attempt to speak with him. He would probably be annoyed with me, while also finding himself hating what he just got himself into, since he knew that there would probably be no way he was going to get out of this.
But at the same time, I was thinking that I would not be able to try and get deep into this conversation, since to be totally honest, I had no idea what he was talking about with his friend at all. Most if not all of the stuff they were saying was totally nonsensical in my mind, and I was thinking that he was going to just brush me off if I tried to reach out to him, and as a result, I was going to be feeling like I would waste my time with this whole thing.
The main difference is that I truly had no idea what to be feeling when approaching these people, and I was thinking that they almost were sort of just sort of speaking words that I was not able to comprehend and that I would just need to let them be doing their own thing. As I was going along, and trying to mind my own business, I was seeing that Lydia was at the fridge, and that she was clearly looking for something. I was thinking that maybe I was going to be able to speak to her, and see what she was feeling on this. Maybe she would have something that she would be able to tell me to sort of get me to change my mind on this whole thing, or maybe she would actually agree with me, for better or worse.
But to be honest, the idea of either happening was a bit out of what I was wanting to consider, and I was feeling that no matter what was happening, I just needed to be happy to speak with her in the first place, and that I needed to just be happy that at least she out of all the siblings did not seem to be having a problem with seeing how I was doing on a normal situation.
...
-Dec 30 1993 2:15 pm- As we were getting near the new year, there was a small part of me that was just wanting everything to all be tied up in a nice bow. And everything to be all fine. I knew that it was going to be virtually impossible to make everything just sort of seem like it was all fine and stuff, but I was truly desperate for the idea of everything being alright. I was not wanting there to be any damn issues at all. Because in all honesty, I as just wanting this new to sort of be a new slate in a way.
I mean, 1994 was going to be the first year where Ridge was going to be with us every single step of the way, and I was just hoping that I could make him happier, and make his life easier at first. You know, make him feel like somebody was actually going to be there to make him feel like he had a actual family that liked him, and was there for him, and was able to actually go on and make a difference for him. I knew that I just needed to do my best to make him feel welcome in every way.
I had no idea how much of the year was going to be something that I could really enjoy, and I was silently dreading the idea that maybe my parents were still going to just baby me like crazy, and that there was no way that I was going to be able to do literally anything that can make my day more exciting or anything like that. I was just sort of tired of the way that they were treating me, but there was a small part of me that was sort of trying to understand what it was like if I was in their perspective.
I was sort of thinking about what it would be like to have eleven children, all of which had different ideas and personalities and stuff, and different life styles, and just so many conflicting ways that things can be done, that in all honesty, they were probably just uncomfortable with the idea of letting us do something without them knowing because they felt like they could be able to do something to help us out.
I still felt like it was extremely unfair that Henry was able to go out, and he was able to have the time of his life, and that people were allowing him to just go nuts, but I was stuck here basically forced to accept the fact that in their mind, I was a fucking baby still, and that I could not go out and actually do something that I knew would have been fun with me. And now I was here, just waiting day by day until I can play outside.
Eventually, as I was thinking about that, this was when Todd was showing up, and he was looking at me, and he was sort of wanting to just talk for a bit. "So Dylan, have there been any calls today?" Todd asked, and I was looking at him confused, as to why he was asking me this, and why he was wanting to know if I was the person that could have been able to give him the answer to this. I was looking down, totally unsure of what the hell I was going to be able to tell him, and if he was actually caring what my answer was.
"No." I said truthfully, and I was seeing Todd scratching his head, as if feeling like this was the one thing that he had never expected to hear, and that he was just thinking about what he was going to be doing now. I was just thinking about what the point of this even was, and why he was wanting to know what I was dealing with so badly. Then he was sighing, talking almost as if I wasn't even there in the first place.
"I was hoping that Bebe would have responded by now. She rarely doesn't respond for so long. I mean, I know she is probably busy, but she usually calls for at least five or ten minutes before she goes to work." After Todd was telling me this, I was totally confused as to what he was talking about, and I was feeling like he was totally losing me on this, and that maybe he was just needing to tell me something that I was able to actually comprehend. But I did not want to say that to him.
"Anyways, I hope you have a good day. I doubt that you will be doing anything too rough." After Todd said that to me, I was seeing him looking at me, but I was looking down, as if angered at him saying this to me, and I was just feeling like he was making it a jab or something, due to my younger age, and I was not really appreciating it.
"I can't go out anyways." I said, and then I was sort of wondering if he was going to be affected by what I was saying, or if he did not really care what was going on too much. Todd was just thinking about how he was able to possibly make me feel better, since he was aware of the fact that I was the one who was taking this whole five year old thing the most seriously.
"Yeah, you just have to wait one more year. I think you can be able to handle it. Besides, I doubt that mom and dad will want you to go out for New Year anyways, since that will be Henry's birthday." After Todd was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like the idea of Josiah already possibly not beig there for the day was going to be rough, and that maybe he was just needing to sort of find a way to make this whole thing seem a bit easier for us all.
"But it is going to be so boring." I said, and then Todd was smiling at me, as if feeling like what I was saying was at least sort of funny, and that maybe he was going to try and see what I was feeling, if he was going to be expressing himself hard enough. But he was just sort of feeling like he was not even really needing to try, since I was not going to be listening to him anyways.
"Honestly, I think that you will be fine. I mean, when I was younger, the idea of waiting around was a bit annoying. But I don't care anymore. I just do what I want, and I will be happier when I work harder. I mean, if you meet Bebe, you will love her and you will think she is the coolest person you ever met." Todd said, and I was seeing that he was being genuine with what he was saying, and I was wanting to find a way to know what exactly he was going to do with this Bebe person, and if I could meet her again.
"Who is Bebe?" I asked, and then he was smiling for a second before he answered. I was feeling like maybe whoever she was, he might not have been lying when he was saying that I could really enjoy her. But then he was shrugging, as if he stopped caring what he was feeling right now.
"She is my girlfriend. That is somebody who you are in a romantic connection with. Somebody that you think and feel like you love. I know that when I see her, I feel differently, and I feel like she makes me feel a bit better about myself and others. I want to actually be happier with her, no matter how much that is going to take in order to get there." After Todd was telling me this, I was sighing, wondering what the heck I was going to say now.
"Can I get a girlfriend?" I asked, thinking that what he was describing was going to be awesome, and that maybe I was going to just have to see how I could make something like that even work. Even though I was much too young to understand that there was a lot more to that than I had ever thought, and that I just needed to be more realistic about what I was feeling at that moment. In a way, I was wondering if getting a girlfriend could have made me seem old enough to play outside.
"You probably will some day. But I would not worry about it right now. You know, just think about having fun here until then." After Todd was telling me this, I was thinking about what I would be able to ask him to learn more about this whole girlfriend process, and if maybe I could get some information by just simply digging around for a bit more.
"How did you get one?" I was asking, and I saw Todd looking like that was a rather funny question, and I was unsure as to why he was finding this one so amusing, but I decided that I was not going to really say anything on it, if it turned out that what he was saying was actually funny. Then he was sighing, as if thinking about how he was going to get me to believe in how simplistic the entire thing really was.
"It seriously all just started with me ordering a pizza, and her coming along, and letting me have it. Seriously, it was as simple as that." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to see what I was going to be telling him now, or if I was just going to never believe what he was telling me. Then he was just shrugging, as if feeling like there was no real point in speaking on this any further.
"So if I order pizza, I can get a girlfriend?" I asked, starting to get excited once again, and then Todd laughed at this, and I was confused as to why this was so funny to him, since if it worked that well for him, maybe it was going to be able to go that well for me. Then he was just shrugging, as if feeling like maybe I was never really going to be able to understand how it was really. And that there was nothing wrong with this.
"I would not place it down to being that easy. You know, there are a lot of steps to it all, but that was the first one." After he was telling me this, I was looking down, kind of sad at the fact that he was telling me this, and if I was going to be able to see if maybe I was going to be able to show him that I would have been fine with this. But then he looked at me for a second, as if thinking on what he was going to tell me to get me back to feeling good.
"Just remember that everybody is going to be fine with you at this house. You will be fine, and soon enough, when you meet somebody you like, you and her will get along, and you will love her." Todd said, and then he looked at the time, and then he looked at me again. "I need to go now, but I hope that you remember that." After he was done saying that to me, he was heading out, and then I was seeing that he was just looking worried for something, although I did not know what.
As Todd was gone, I was then feeling like that was going to be the next mission of my life, was getting a girlfriend, and making her know that I enjoyed her, and loved her, and wanted her to be happier. I was feeling like this was the least that I could be able to do to sort of show her that I was not going to just be there to be kind of using her or something.
I did not know why I was caring so much about something like this, but in a way, I was just not caring what I was feeling. And I was feeling like maybe when I would get to know her better, she and I would be able to start to have a bond that I had felt like could have made us feel differently. But I guess that for the time being, the two of us were just going to have to wait a bit longer until we could meet each other, and I would have to wait a little bit longer before I could do what I knew was the right thing.
As I was starting to feel all of these things, and I was feeling like maybe the two of us really had a chance of connecting, I was just telling myself to be doing fine. I was thinking that maybe I would not tell Drake what I was doing, to make sure that he did not get a head start in this whole thing, and that I would beat him to having one, if he was even wanting one, and then I would be able to laugh at him over it for the longest period of time.
I was then just thinking about what life would be like when I got one, and I was thinking about the whole idea of them sort of being like the apple of eden, and that maybe if I wanted them so badly, I would have just looked harder, and I would have been able to get them when I went to school and stuff. You know, since my parents would have to let me out of the house for that, and I would be able to take advantage of something like this if I had wanted to go and make the best of it.
I was thinking of what it would be able like if I was able to get Lydia to help me out. You know, since she was girl, I was feeling like she would have been able to help me out here, and then afterwards, I would thank her for what she was able to do, and then I would be able to show her how much happier something like this, a simple gesture of kindness, would have been able to make me feel for the most part.
One of these days, I was going to make it work. One of these days, she and I would fall in love. One of these days, I would finally feel like I am going to get something that I had wanted in my time, and something I wanted with my life. It was going to be the one thing that I had truly god damn needed for my happiness.
...
-Dec 31 1993 6:47 pm- I was feeling like the new year was going to be the most exciting thing that we would be getting ourselves into, and I was so badly just wanting to get right into it. I was so happy to be in the new year of 1994. I would say happy birthday to Henry when I would first seem him, and then when I was done with that, I would be able to just put this whole thing behind me, and then I would just pretend like there was so much more to be living for.
I was honestly really looking forward to what was going to be happening now, and while I had no idea how well it was going to work, but to be honest, I did not give a crap. I was kind of wanting to put 1993 behind us forever, and then be able to see how much I would be able to make of 1994, and if I was going to enjoy the first full year with Ridge at my side, and if I could be able to help him feel like a properly integrated part of the family, and make him feel like he was going to be rather respected and cared for.
I was wondering what the hell the issue of the new year would have brought forward to me. I was wondering if I was going to hang out with my family longer and if Henry was wanting to be at my side. I was thinking that after all of this time, it was a fact that maybe Henry was just needing somebody to have him know that his next year was not going to be as boring and bad as the previous one, since he seemed to not enjoy 1993.
It was not my fault that this was happening, but I was feeling like maybe I could have been able to help him out feeling like he was going to be adapted into this whole thing, and I was feeling like perhaps once he was going to be made happier, then I would have done something sort of decent with my life for once. And I was just sort of feeling sad for him, knowing that people were always going to be spending his birthday partying, but never for him, and always for the idea of a new transition. He was never going to be feeling properly loved by most people here, and even I knew this.
And when I was sort of letting this whole thing come to mind, I was sort of thinking about what the hell I was even worrying about here. I was feeling like perhaps Henry was going to try and tell me that everything was fine, and that he was not worried about it, and that he was used to it, when I felt like only the third of those three would have been true.
I was standing up, and when I was going around, I was seeing that Drake was sort of playing with something that he probably got for Christmas, and I was wondering if there was a chance he would be willing to let me play along with him. I was really wanting to hang out with him, and see if he was going to be having something fun for me to check out. But I was feeling like something like that was probably not going to be working out as well as I had wished.
I was still feeling the wish to go on and talk with him for a bit, and see if he was wanting to maybe change how I was feeling on this. So I walked over to Drake, and then smiled when I was looking above him, and he looked up, and he was clearly unsure of what I was trying to accomplish here. I was seeing that he was probably just wondering if I was going to be trying to do something more profound here.
"Do you like the toys?" I asked simply, feeling like there was no real need to worry about something like that. I was just thinking that maybe I could get Drake to enlighten me on why he liked those type of silly toys over the more action packed and awesome toys that I liked to play with. He was looking at me, as if feeling unsure of what to say on this.
"They are so cool. So nice to play with as well." Drake said, and he was looking like there wasn't a slight bit of worrying that he was having over the fact that I was asking him this, as if he was not really thinking that I was trying to get something out of this. I was smiling at him, as if almost glad to know that if for nothing else, even if I did not like the toys, that he was not disliking the stuff that he got.
"Do you like your toys?" Drake asked me, and then he was standing up, looking like he was going to possibly try and play with my stuff, and even if I was not wanting him to do this, I was sort of feeling like as long as he was nice about it, and did not destroy it, I would really not need to worry so much about it all.
"I played with it a few times, and I like it so far." I said, and then I was feeling like maybe I could have given more time to play with them but with the fact that I was unsure of how the family was doing, and what they were doing, I was feeling like perhaps I just needed to try and worry about something else for the time being, and play more when I was feeling better.
"Are you excited for tomorrow?" Drake asked, clearly referring to new year, and I was thinking about it for a second or two. I was unsure of what I was going to be excited for, or not excited for. I was feeling like maybe I was just kind of needing to see if there was a girlfriend that I would get that day, and then I would be feeling like I got the gift that I had wanted. Still thinking hard about what had happened with Todd and I yesterday.
"Yeah, I am excited enough. Just sort of wish that maybe I could do more with it. I want to go outstide still." I said, knowing that until I finally got that done with, I was never really going to be feeling like I was going to get what I was wanting, and that I was going to be feeling like perhaps the days were never going to be as exciting as I was wishing, until something like that was going to be coming together.
"Do you think that mom and dad will want to do something with us?" Drake asked, and I was thinking about what he was asking, and while I was unsure of why he was asking, I was still feeling like the question was valid enough in its own right, but I was just feeling like we were never going to have the time or luck to all be together once again.
"I don't know if they can. So much stuff going on, and now Gabe and Todd leaving soon." I said, being able to be smart enough to sort of pick up on this alone, without needing to have somebody tell me what was going on. I was seeing that Drake was looking pretty sad over the prospect of our oldest siblings leaving. But I could not really lie about what was going on, and I was just sort of hoping it would go well myself.
"Do you think they will come by?" Drake asked, and then I was absolutely unable to answer that and be able to give a answer that I had felt like would have been honest. Since the idea of them coming back would have been what I had wanted, but I was unsure of if this was going to be the practical answer.
"They might." I said, and then I was sighing, angry at myself for not giving them more, and wishing that they had more from me, but I was thinking that they were needing to do their own thing, and help out in their own life, and that maybe part of that was just going to have to accept the fact that I was not going to be there for them forever, and that they were going to be off doing their own thing, without us at their side.
"Don't worry too much about it." I said, and I was looking kind of worried about my brother and how he was going to be taking this, and if he was going to want to be knowing more, or if he was going to be sort of leaving it alone after a while. "I mean, it's almost new year." I said, trying to get back into that level of excitement again, since I truly did want this year to be going well, no matter what was going to happen.
"I hope that Ridge talks." After Drake was saying that, I was thinking about that for a bit. By that point, he would have a little bit more than a year on his belt when we would be getting to 1995, and in a way, I was feeling like maybe he might have been able to say basic words, and that would have been a sign of what was going to come out of this. I did not really know, but in a way, I was just too excited to care what people thought.
"What will his first words be?" I said, kind of curious on this, and was sort of starting to play out all of the situations in my mind, and wondering how likely all of the choices were going to be. I was feeling like they were going to be rather dissapointing, but it was something that I was certainly wanting to sort of think about for a bit, and see how it was going to be working out. I wanted to see if he was going to mention us when we were in his first year.
"Something with food." I said, and then laughed at that idea, trying to be making this whole thing a little bit funny, and I was wishing that maybe Drake was going to try and say something better for him, but decided that maybe I was probably right, and as he was thinking about how much of a let down something like this would have been, I was seeing him just not even saying anything at all, and leaving it all alone.
"How many more will they have?" Drake asked, and while he did not really say what he was thinking exactly, I was feeling like I kind of had a idea where he was coming from. That being the fact that he was wondering when my mom and dad were not going to be having any more kids, and that they were going to just take a god damn chill pill with that. I had nothing against them, but it as a bit overwhelming.
"Probably another one or two. Mom and dad said they're done though." I said, and then I was sighing, thinking about how much it would be taking before they really did actually go along with that. Eventually, I was choosing to think about something else, and something that I was feeling like would have been a bit more interesting.
Eventually, I was seeing something out side that I was feeling like I had seen too many times to care, but every single time that I did see it, I was confused, and I was feeling the utter need to go on and see what it was. So I walked right towards the couch, and then I was sitting down the couch near where the window was, and then I was seeing that there was a guy under some form of a street light, and I was sighing, staring for a bit.
I did not know how much I triggered Drake with the fact that I had stopped talking to him so suddenly, and if he was going to be demanding that I tell him more. But when I was staring, I was just too busy to care what he was going to think, and I was just wanting to see what was going to be happening though. And if he was just there, and nothing was going on, I would be let down, but I had felt like I needed to have more of a idea where to go.
I was seeing that Drake was sitting there, and he was looking more confused than angry at what I was doing. He knew that even if we sometimes did not get along, I was never really going out of my way to be rude to him, and I was always sort of having a good reason to do this. Or that I was just trying to have a good reason to make it all work. Eventually, Drake was just looking like he was wishing to see if he could, and he was starting to walk a couple of steps over, but stopped for some reason.
I was seeing that the guy was smoking a cigarette, and he was currently taking a drag out of it, as if feeling like watching us was going to be the most important thing in the world. I was just wondering what was going to be happening next. He was going for a bit longer, and I was seeing that regardless of what he was doing, I was just wanting to know what he was planning on right now. Eventually, he was placing his left hand in his pocket, and with the way he was moving his hand around, I knew that he was going to be trying to get something out of it.
Eventually, he was pulling something like a small cell phone from his pocket. It was the first time that I had seen anything like this, so you would guess that I would naturally be interested in what this was going to be, but I did not want him to be thinking that I was going to do something, and I was wanting to be careful with this, feeling like he had something going on right now.
"What is happening?" Drake asked, and then he was probably just wanting to make sure that he did not have to see it, in case if I was scared, and in case if it was going to be a big deal. I was seeing that Drake was just wanting to see what was going to come out of this. Eventually, I was able to sort of find the words to be talking again, and just get something out of my mind.
"Just a guy outside. He's just strange." I said, and then I was feeling like that was all that I had needed to say. I was not wanting to say anymore regardless, and I was feeling like if I were to try and say more, I would just be sort of making it unclear why I was caring so much. But with this, I would have made my point enough, and he would be able to leave me alone for the time being, and let me stare longer.
"Don't stare at him." Drake said, probably just to get me away, as I doubt he really cared all that much what they guy was thinking about me. He was probably just wanting to see what we were doing, and I knew that it was probably something I was over reacting towards, but in a way, I was just not even really caring what the truth would have been.
"He's probably interesting though." I said, trying to find a way to keep going with this, and see if I could get something out of this. If I would be able to see if this guy was going to do something else. Once I would get my answer, I would leave it alone, and I would go off and mind my own business. But until then, and until I was able to just learn what he was doing, and why he was doing this, I was going to be going crazy. I would be needing my fucking answer, and just get it over with.
"I'll only look for a few more minutes." I said, and then I was feeling like maybe when I was done with this, I could just move on, and then not be looking like a total loser anymore, and then I would be heading on to hang out with Drake again. And I was feeling like it was rather interesting and annoying that this was going to be the last thing that I would be seeing in 1993, and not really something with our siblings or anything like that.
In a way, I was sort of wishing that we ended up having more, but I was feeling like maybe I was too worried over something that was probably not all that big of a deal. I was just looking at a odd guy, and I would leave him alone. He was seeming bored too after a while as after another two minutes or so, he was walking off, and leaving me alone for good, and then I was wondering what the hell any of that was for.
...
-Jan 1 1994 10:42 pm- I was feeling like I needed to make up for the fact that I had yet to say happy birthday to Henry today, since I was so taken into the idea of just having a good first day of the year. So when it was getting near my time to be going to sleep, I went right to his bed, where I was seeing that he was still up to something. Not too shocking since he was a guy who liked to stay up late anyways, and I had no idea what he was usually doing during those moments, but I was just sort of not really caring too much what he was dealing with.
"Hey Henry, how are you today?" I asked, and he was looking at me, and I was seeing him looking kind of annoyed with me, and I was feeling like there was a small chance that he would have been pissed at this whole thing. I was just seeing that Henry was needing to go easy on me at least until I was having a chance to speak with him first. "Happy birthday." I said, and then after I had said that to him, I was seeing him looking calm and unsure of what to be saying now.
"Thanks." After Henry said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was totally unsure of what the hell he would have even wanted to say now. I was feeling like maybe I just needed to be more patient with him, and just see if he was wanting to rant at me, and then sort of just make his point heard, and then when I was done hearing him being like this, then we would be able to finally move on for good.
"I just wish that I had an idea what to do." Henry said after about five seconds, and had felt like I was not needing to speak with him anymore, and then when I heard him saying this to me, I was turning around, just confused where he was planning going with this, and I was sort of scared on what he was wishing to say now. Almost as if he was hiding something from me in a way, and I was just wanting to see more of where this was going.
"What do you mean?" I asked, and I was waiting for him to be more open with me, since I was feeling like this was possibly the most important conversation that we could be able to have, and I was wondering if perhaps he was wanting to talk with me more, but at that moment, he was clearly just too deeply into thought to even dare say something else at all. I was wishing to help him out, but if I was going to do this, I needed to listen to him.
"To help Lydia. She is doing something really important right now, and I want to help her out. It is the only thing that I can focus on right now." After Henry was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more, but was just clearly going to leave the situation alone. I was sighing in annoyance, wishing that I could know more of what to tell him in order to make him feel better about this.
"We had our differences, but when I see her going out there, and I see her in danger, I feel like I should be going out to do more." Henry said, and then I was seeing that he was just sort of out of his mind. I was feeling like whatever Lydia was doing was none of his business, and I was feeling like he was needing to get the hell out of this. But when I was feeling like telling him this, I was just sighing, feeling like it was too much for me to bear.
"Maybe she doesn't want help." I said, and then I was seeing him shaking his head, as if feeling like that answer was absolutely unacceptable, and I was wondering what his problem was, and I was feeling like maybe he needed to relax, and not be taking this so damn seriously, and that he needed to just Lydia be off doing her own thing. After all, she was his older sister. But then again, with him being my older brother, he was probably going to be acting like I was needing to listen to him more.
"I don't care if she wants help. I'm six years old. I should be allowed to make my own choices." After Henry was telling me this, I was looking at him, and I was finding what he was saying to be rather strange. I mean he had barely turned six, and he was going to be waving that age around as if it was some big deal. But I guess that it was really not all that big of a deal, but I was wanting him to find something else to say, that could change my perspective on this possibly.
"Henry, let her be fine." I said, and then Henry was looking at me, and I was feeling like I was doing nothing wrong, but looking at the way that he was glancing at me, and seeing how he was going to be taking what I had said, I was feeling like maybe I was going to have to be more careful on what I was going to be telling him now. Since he was sort of clearly on a mind of his own.
"I feel like helping her out is the only way that I can do this." After Henry was saying this, I was seeing him looking like he was one step away from having enough of this, and I was just feeling like maybe for my own sake, I was needing to be more careful with it now, and not be pissing him off any further.
"Do you think it will help?" I asked, and I was not even saying this to argue with him, because I genuinely did not know what he was planning on doing, and this whole thing was just a bit odd. I was feeling like maybe I just needed to sort of see what he was going to do to get me to sort of understand what I was supposed to be feeling a little better.
"I have to try at least. I want to be making her feel better. Not making her feel like nobody cares for her." Henry said to me, and then I was seeing him cross his arm. Only later on down the line would I learn the irony of what he was saying, considering the fact that he had really hurt her, by punching her in the nose that one time. But at the same time, he was probably just doing his best to sort of be making up for something like this.
"Do you think that she believes in you?" I asked, and I was referring to the idea of him being able to help her out. If she believed in him that he was going to be able to make a difference. As he was looking at me, I was seeing him looking sort of unsure of what to tell me, and I was feeling like I needed to see his perspective, when I was older, and when I was more in tune to what he was feeling in his own right.
"Maybe she does. I think it is worth it." Henry was saying to me, and I was seeing him just sort of looking like he was wishing to see what I was going to do to make it all work. "If for nothing else, at least we can talk." He was telling me, just trying to find a way to sort of make his feelings more heard, and I was just seeing him clearly kind of at the end of his wits, and that there was virtually nothing that he was going to say to really say more to get his point finished.
"Does it make you happy?" I asked, and I was seeing him unsure of what he was going to say. I was seeing that this was a big debate that he was having. That there was no way he was going to be able to respond to that very well, considering the fact that he himself had no idea how the hell he was going to be feeling, and he was having even less idea on how he was going to be happy, and I was feeling like this was a bit awful. I wanted Henry to do well, and I wanted him to live a normal life, for no real reason besides that he was my brother.
"It is something that might make me happy." Henry said as honestly as possible, and I was seeing his mind looking like he was running through the motions on this, feeling totally unsure of what he was going to say, and I was wishing to see what his plans were going to be, and if he was wanting to reveal what the point of this really was going to be. "Seeing Lydia happy makes me happy. I know that." He said, and then I was nodding, feeling like I did not need to hear any more of what he was saying, since I was feeling like there really was no point in trying to debate him any further with this.
"I have a year ahead of me. Need to do good." Henry said, and I was seeing him looking like maybe he was having a new sense of purpose. I didn't know if it was the fact that he was six now, or his birthday, or it being new year, or if I was so young that what he was saying sounded like confidence, but I was seeing him looking like he was really doing much better than I thought he would have been doing. And I was sighing, unsure of what to say now.
"Good luck." I said, and then he was looking at me, and I was seeing him looking like he was feeling like I should have given him more than just that, but did not need to worry about such a thing. That he was feeling like what he was going to say would have made no real difference. I was feeling like maybe if Henry was going to want to say more, he would have just told me right away, and I would have made some attempt to get this along better.
"I might need it." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him not exactly smiling, but I was seeing that he was looking better, and that once he was going to be giving me that look, I was feeling like this was the only way that he would really know what I was going to be feeling now. I was nodding, just sort of wondering if he had any plans to make me feel better on this. I was wondering why I cared so much about what Henry was feeling now.
"Thanks for talking with me." Henry was saying to me, and I was sort of just glad that he was reaching out to me, and saying this to make me feel better in the first place. I was sort of wondering if he was having anything else that he was going to say, or if he was sort of feeling like he had made his point enough, and did not desire to drag the issue out any longer.
"It is the least I can do after brushing you off on your day." I said, and then I was wondering if Henry was going to be saying something else about how he had felt over the people sort of just not talking with him on his big day, or if he was feeling like he had made his point, and that saying any more on it was just going to be pissing him off, and that he was not even wanting to think about it any further, for his own sanity.
"I think that as long as people say happy birthday, I will have to be happy." After he was done saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting say more, but was just sort of feeling lost at what he was wanting to say. He was clearly wanting to try and say something else, but was feeling like maybe if he was going to try and speak more, then there would be something that he was wanting to try and hide, in the fear of sounding weak.
"I guess that it might be the worst day to have a birthday." I said, and then he was slowly nodding, while also shaking his head. The fact that he gave me both answers was what confused me, and I was feeling like I needed for him to just explain to me what the issue was, and what the benefit was, so that way I could learn more of what he was actually feeling on this whole thing. Maybe Henry would help me understand if I was willing to actually listen to him more.
"It's the best day because it represents a new clean slate, and everything that year is part of that age. But it sucks because people barely pay attention my own personal part of it." Henry said, and then I was nodding, feeling totally unsure of what I was going to even try to say to make him feel better, and I was wondering if such a thing could have been possible. And if it was, maybe I could have tried to hear more on what I could say to help him out.
"Next year will be better." I said, and then Henry was looking at me, and I could see from his look that even he deeply doubted that, and I was wondering if he was going to be feeling like any birthday was going to be 'better' than the last one on this regard, or if he was totally not wanting to buy something like that. I wanted to try and make him feel differently, but I was feeling like something like this was just not going to fucking work, and that I just needed to let him sort of feel this way.
"Maybe it will be. Will require some luck for that to happen though." After he was telling me that, I was seeing that he was going to just leave it at that, feeling like he had made his point, and that going on any longer for this was only going to be making him feel like he was sort of going in a loop, and that I could probably not even get it, and that him talking with me would not get me or him anywhere at all here.
"Well, good night." I said, and then I was walking off, and then after I had made it about half a dozen feet or so away, I was then looking at Henry again, wondering what I was going to be able to ask him now, and see if maybe he was willing to enlighten me on this one, since I was feeling like maybe he would be able to give me a answer to this one at the very least. "What is Lydia looking into?" I felt like maybe if I knew what she was doing, then maybe the two of us could be able to team up, and work out with helping her, and then everything was going to be good.
"She wants to know about secrets. That is all you need to know." Henry said, and then I was looking down, let down at this answer, and feeling like I deserved so much more than what he had just given me. I was feeling like maybe he was going to need to finally give me something better. But if he was not going to give me any answers, maybe I would ask Lydia what was going on, and she would be able to tell me what was happening.
"Would she tell me?" I asked, and I was not even meaning this to make Henry feel bad. I was just genuinely unsure of what he was going to be saying here, and if he was going to be saying yes to this, then maybe I was going to have the next step of this journey later and he was not going to leave me alone. I was feeling like it was the least we were going to do to sort of come to some form of a understanding with each other.
"If you want to try to, sure..." Henry said, and I was seeing that there was something about my question that for some reason was deeply bothering him, and I was telling myself even that maybe I needed to just leave the subject alone, and that if I went any further on this, he was going to start to get pissed at me, and I was not wanting to make him want to snap at me or anything like that. If he snapped, then I was going to be feeling so lost now.
"She will be cool." I said, and then I knew that this was one thing that Henry and I would probably come to some form of an agreement on, since nobody ever denied the fact that Lydia was the second nicest out of all the siblings, next only to Gabe, who was basically a walking courtesy clerk when I would be looking back on it in hindsight. Which makes me feel like maybe that was both his biggest benefit, and his biggest weakness when he was out in the real world.
Henry was then laying down on his bed, and I was seeing that whatever was bothering him was going to be a much bigger deal than I was ever going to be able to look at. Even I knew that there was no real way I would help him out. Not really help, beyond the idea of simply just being nice to him and stuff. I was sighing, feeling like maybe when I was going to help him out, I was going to have to give it some time, and maybe soon enough, he and I would learn more about the issues that we were feeling.
I was walking up the stairs, and I was feeling like maybe when I was going to be out of this room, the more that I was going to be able to think about what I would tell my older siblings if they were worried. Maybe I would tell them about the 'secrets' that Lydia wanted to learn of. I was feeling like maybe I was going to be kind of able to get some good laughs out of it. I was feeling like maybe they would indeed actually find a small amount of humor to it, and that we needed to just take it easier now.
Eventually, I was feeling like maybe I was going to have to question another thing to myself. Something that I was feeling like was another valid thing to be looking into. If this was actually going to be worth it in the first place. If Henry was really even wanting to have anybody try and help him out. Maybe he did not want anybody to help him out, so doing this would have sort of just been a waste of time. But in a way, I just felt like I had to sort of know if I could make a difference to his entire outlook on this.
Eventually, I was sort of settling on the idea that maybe I just needed him be alone, and that I just needed to accept the fact that maybe he and I were just needing to be sort of doing our own thing, and that maybe he was really fine without me. I mean, I did not want to admit something like this, since I did not want to admit to letting him be alone, but I knew it was not that big of a deal.
Once I was upstairs, I was feeling kind of tired, and I was feeling like this was not a good way to cap off the first day of the year, but at the same time, I was feeling like I just did not even care anymore. If I was going to try and learn more about Henry, and what he and the others were going to be doing, I might need to see what I would do to sort of make it all come along finer and better for us all.
I was wondering what my older siblings were doing anyways, and I was feeling like maybe when I was going to be seeing how they were doing, everything with Henry was going to be the last thing on my mind, and then I would be able to just sort of put this whole thing behind me, and not even fucking think too deeply about this whole thing, for my own sake.
Eventually, I was seeing that for once in the last several weeks, Gabe was with us, and that he was looking really happy. I was feeling like when Gabe of all people was finally able to sit down for the first time since Ridge was brought home, and was able to laugh alongside all the others, I was feeling like maybe I could have been able to try and see how he was doing, and if perhaps the two of us were going to be able to get to know each other more, and perhaps the two of us were going to see why we were even doing what we had been doing.
I had no idea what to say, but I will say that seeing Gabe happy was the biggest relief that I had ever seen, and the one thing that instantly change the outlook that I was going to be having in my life. But then I was sitting down next to Gabe, and I was feeling like maybe the two of us could talk and get to know each other better, and maybe even try and hang out for a bit, to sort of get things a bit better.
"How are you?" I asked my second oldest brother, and then he was looking right at me, and he was seeing that it was me. When he was seeing me, and seeing that I was being sincere about my question, I was seeing that this was the one thing that he had really needed to hear me say to try and make it all differently. But then I was feeling like I was needing to find something else to say to make it all better for us.
"I am doing good. Just hanging out with my friends some times, and doing things with school. It can be a real pain in the ass, but it works out well enough." He was looking at me, and then I was seeing that he was clearly wanting to say more, but was hardly willing to say something if I was not really all that interested in seeing what he was feeling. I was feeling like maybe when I would see how he was doing, and what was bothering him so much about school, then perhaps I would be able to learn how I would be able to actually help him out.
"What about school sucks?" I asked, and then he was looking at me, and he was looking like there was no end to words that he would be able to have when it was coming to school, and I was feeling like maybe I could be able to see what the main issue to all of this really would have been. I was sort of feeling like this whole thing was just a bit strange, and I was wanting to see if perhaps I was going to see what Gabe would be able to warn me about for school later on.
"All the homework, the teachers are really fucking rude, and there is no sense of ending to it all. Even though I leave in six months, it feels like there is just no end to the level of bullshit." Gabe was saying to me, and I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to say something about it more, but that he was clearly feeling like that if he were to be doing something like this, he was not really going to be having a big fucking reaction to this.
"I mean, I think that I will have be fine with suffering for a few more months, but I am tired of it. I am tired of this whole thing, and I will feel like I am going to have to see what the hell the next few steps of my life are going to be, without having to deal with my fucking teachers trying to pretend like they cared for what I was wanting to do, and without having them go around and try to give me advice, when I know they are just doing it for the money." Gabe finished his rant, and then looked at me for a moment, as if feeling bad for how much he was going off at me for this.
"Are we okay?" I asked, and then I was seeing Gabe stopping what he was saying and looked at me the second that I was asking him this, and he was looking really worried about what I was saying, and I was feeling like there was that brotherly instinct kicking in, and I was feeling like he might not have gotten what I had felt, but that when I explain, he would be more willing to deal with it all, and that he would explain better.
"What do you mean? Everybody is doing alright." Gabe said and while he was saying this, I was seeing him looking unsure of what to tell me, and I was seeing him looking more and more like he was willing to do anything it would take for him to get me to feel differently on this. But then I was sighing, feeling like maybe I was going to have to make my case here.
"It's like everybody is in a mystery. And I can't join." I said, and then Gabe was sighing, as if feeling like maybe there was a level of truth to what he was saying, and I was feeling like when he was hearing me say this, I was going to be able to get him to enlighten me further on this. But I was feeling like Gabe would never talk with me. He was never going to hear my point, and that he would be acting like we were all safe and good.
...
-Jan 2 1994 12:36 am- When I was feeling like I was finally able to go to bed, I was feeling like maybe I could see what Gabe was doing, and maybe if I tried hard enough Gabe would be willing to hang out with me, and talk with me further, and see how I would be feeling on this whole thing. I had felt like maybe when I would see him, and see how he had felt, I would be able to make him know better on if we could hang out a bit longer.
"Hey, can you help me?" I asked, and then Gabe was looking at me, looking worried for a second, and I was seeing that whatever he was feeling, was not going to be pleasant, and I was seeing that no matter what he was saying, or what he was feeling, the two of us we were going to be making a giant issue here. Gabe was then just sighing, feeling like there was no reason to be holding me of any longer, and see if he would help me out here.
"Yeah, what is the issue?" Gabe said, and then I was sighing, feeling like maybe I could be able to just make my point, and not be hiding the way that I was feeling right now, and that maybe if we helped each other out, the two of us could be able to make some form of a difference here. I was starting to just explain what I was feeling right away, and not hiding it at all.
"I was seeing a guy outside, and he was wanting to examine the house or something. He scared me." I said, and then I was seeing him looking unsure of what the heck I was going to be able to tell him, and then Gabe was sighing, feeling like maybe when we were going to talk, the two of us were going to be able to just sort of help each other out longer. I was feeling like whatever Gabe was needing to know, I would say the best I could.
"What was he doing? Do you feel like there was something he was looking for? I can try and talk to him peacefully if I needed to." Gabe was telling me, and then I was seeing him looking like nothing that was going on was going well, and I was feeling like maybe I needed to just lie, and say something else to make this better for us, since this was a bit scary for all of us.
"I don't know. He was scary, but I didn't try to find anything out of him." I said to him, and then he was looking at me, sort of feeling like maybe Gabe was just never going to be able to give me any form of consolation. I was just feeling like maybe I was going to have to go farther and deeper than I did, and that maybe if we just talked on this a while longer, we could make each other sort of feeling like we were doing better.
"God damn it, this is just never ending. I thought that I would have been able to make something else work harder. I guess that maybe I can just see what he is needing, and them maybe he and I could be able to have some form of peaceful debate." After Gabe was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking long and hard into this idea, and I was feeling like maybe he was wanting to say more, but was too scared to.
"Thanks for letting me know." He said, and then was thinking about the fact that I was now dragged into something that was none of my business, and I was scared, and now he was going to have to learn how to be making this fight work for me, and make it seem like we were going to have a chance to work out better, and maybe I could help him out. Even if something like that was possible for me to do.
"Will you be safe?" I said, and he was looking right at me, and then he was shaking his head, and I was seeing that he was at least wanting to be honest with me, no matter how much I was not wanting to him to be. But at least with sheer honesty, I would know what I was getting myself ready for, and we would be able to prepare better for this whole thing.
"I want to be safe. But I think that safety is out of the option right now." He said, and then he was looking right at me, and I was seeing that if I was going to ask more, then he was probably going to be feeling like I was going to break him a little bit too early, and I was wishing that maybe I was needing to at least try and be more open minded to what was going on right now, and if he was having a plan of action.
"Can you come home?" I asked Gabe, and then he was looking like this was something that he was able to go on and give me more, and that maybe if I was going to be given this, then he might be able to get out of this fine, and that this was the only thing that I was truly worried about. It wasn't, but when I was seeing him looking like he was willing to at least think things out, I was just hoping that things could be fixed better.
"I will do my best. I feel like it is the least that I can do. But I doubt that it will really work." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking sort of tired of this, and I was seeing that he was just going to do whatever he could to sort of get out of this matter, and make it seem like he was in control of his emotions, since maybe Gabe was going to be a hero at the end of this all.
"I am going to be leaving right now, and I am going to make sure that nothing happens to you." After Gabe was telling me this, I was seeing that he was clearly not handling this too well, and I was feeling like maybe I was needing to work harder to not be making him feel like shit, and that this was all my fault. I hated the way that I was treating him, and I was feeling like I should have done a bit more now.
"You don't have to go." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was hoping that he would take what I had told him to heart. As I was looking at him longer and harder, and seeing his range of motions, I was seeing him shake his head, as if feeling like what he had heard was not going to change how this was going to work, and that I was just going to have to work with him to sort of make the best of this that I could.
"I do have to go. It is the only choice that I have." Gabe was telling me, and then I was seeing that there was a part of him that was looking like he was sort of in denial of this all, and that he had wanted to say more, but was just unable to keep going with this, and that if I tried to say anything else, he was just going to not really feel fully into this whole thing, and like I was just never going to be able to understand how he had felt now.
"Just don't hurt yourself." I said, and then after he was done looking at me, I was aware that nothing I could say would make any difference, and that I was gone from this. The more that we talked, the less that I would be able to get him to want to speak with me, and the less that we were going to be able to actually make this work. I was just sort of sad for him, and I was kind of hating myself for what had happened, and what I had done to him, and I wanted to change the way that I was going to handle this all.
"Have a good night. You need to go to sleep." After Gabe was telling me this, I was seeing him looking kind of worried over me, and I was seeing that he was not going to be taking no for an answer, and that he was going to be making sure that I took this seriously, no matter what, and when he was looking at me like this, I was sighing, feeling like there was no point in fighting with him on this, and that I just needed to let him be doing his own thing without having me getting in his way on this so much.
Eventually, when he was looking at me, and I was seeing him looking kind of sad, and worried over me, I was seeing that this was just something that he was not wanting to spend any more of his time doing. And that soon enough, he was just kind of over it, and that he had wanted to have people treat him better, but that something like this was just not going to be happening, and that he was sort of just getting used to that fact himself, and that he was kind of getting over it.
I was seeing him walking off, and I was feeling so lost and confused, and I was just wanting to know so much more, I was needing to know so much more. But that trying to talk with him was just going to be leading me nowhere, and that if I was going to even try and speak with him more on this, he was just going to be leaving me alone, and he was going to be telling me that I was going to need to be off.
I was sitting down on the chair in the kitchen, and I was angry at myself. I was angry at not letting Gabe know that I needed him to stay here, and stay safe, and that if he was going to be out doing something like this, I was needing to have him sort of just tell me what the issue was, and that maybe we could be able to work together better. I just wanted to know how he was doing, and I was going to give him something to keep this all together.
But despite what was going on, and despite what I was wondering, and despite the fact that I had felt like maybe I could help him, I was sort of just making peace with the fact that Gabe might not have needed this. He might not have wanted this, and as a result, if I was going to try so damn hard, I was just going to be sort of wasting my time, and he was going to be telling me that I was being stupid, and I was just being a kid.
I was sighing, just letting it all go. I was aware that if this was going to keep up all year, this was going to be the worst year of my life. Sure when you are going to be turning four, that is not a very high bar, but right now, I did not know that, and to be honest, I was just sort of not caring. I hated what was going on, and that was the only thing that fucking mattered.
I was wondering if there was somebody that I had known that could have made this whole thing better, and I was feeling like maybe if I was going to get to know some people, and use some fucking connections, that I was going to be doing alright. I was feeling like maybe if I was going to work with Gabe, and work with him to know what I could do, then I was going to be doing alright. But maybe Gabe was doing alright. Maybe Gabe was doing fine without having people pester him, and that us doing this was only making this worse.
I was feeling like when I would sleep, I would let this whole thing take me off. I was going to be good. I was going to be happier. I was going to just feel like brushing this off would have been able to make me feel like I was not doing too badly, and then everything would have been fine. I was thinking about what I would do if Gabe knew what I was feeling, and how I would change the way that I was going at this, for his own sake, and his own prosperity.
...
-Jan 3 1994 1:10 pm- I had no idea what the heck I was going to be doing, since I was feeling like now that I was aware of the fact that Gabe was out there, doing something for me, and the fact that he had felt like it was his responsibility to make sure that we are all safe, and now I was just feeling like I was needing to just sort of make everything work together. I was wishing that maybe Gabe did not need to have the feeling that he was supposed to do all of this to try and make me feel better.
I was wishing that maybe I would be able to just try and see his happier. I did not know how something like this was going to be working out, but in a way, I was finding myself not really even caring anymore. I was also telling myself that he was safe in his own right, and that maybe if it was such a big deal, Todd would come in, and he would talk with Gabe, and the two of them were going to be able to work something out.
Now that I was thinking about that, and that I was thinking about what it would be like to make sure that they were both safe, I was sort of just telling myself that it was not that big of a deal. But maybe when I would see how Todd would react, and see if he was going to react at all, then perhaps he might be able to give me a gauge on how he and Gabe were connected, and how much they really were going to be able to come together in such a situation.
I had known that such a idea was probably sort of insane, but in a way, I was just not really caring. I did not really care if Todd and Gabe were going to be annoyed by this, and I did not care if they were going to understand it at all. I was doing what I had felt like could have helped my siblings be happy, and be safe. It was the only way that I was feeling like I would have made any form of a positive contribution to this house.
I was kind of worried about the stuff that was going on, and I was wondering if perhaps I would be able to get my parents involved in what I was fearing could happen. Maybe if I tried to talk with them, and if I tried to get them to feel differently, and if I tried to get them to know what I was feeling, then maybe we would be able to work together, and we would be able to sort of just have a clue on where we were supposed to go from here. And I would feel sort of proud of the fact that I was supporting my family in a very important manner.
When I was in the main room, I was seeing that Josiah was still making some music, although I was wondering why he was needing to when he already had his performance a couple of days ago. He had made his point, he had left his mark. He did not need to be trying so damn hard anymore, and I was feeling like maybe he was just going a little too deeply into this, and that after he made his performance, he was sort of taking this whole thing just a bit too far.
I was coming up to him, wishing to speak with him, and wishing to see how he was feeling, and I was just going to be seeing what he would have wanted to even get out of this. "Hey Josiah, what are you working on?" I asked, and then he was looking at me, as if sort of feeling like there was no real need to say anything else, and that he was just going to be letting me figure out what I thought of his music, and see if I was going to like it or not.
He was playing for a couple of seconds longer, and I was seeing that he was just sort of in the proper mindset to make everything work, and I was kind of curious to see how long this would last, and how much longer this soothing but also rough, this charming but also disgusting, tune would have kept playing. It was just a bit confusing what I had felt on this.
"Do you like it?" Josiah asked, and he was looking like this was something he was really proud of, and something that he was enjoying doing, and that he was wanting everybody to just know how much he liked getting himself into that field of music. "I have been working on it for a while, and every time I ask, there are varying responses from great to just bad to sort of indifference." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking kind of unsure of what to say now.
"Why do people think its bad?" I asked, and then I was seeing him looking at me for a couple of seconds, as if sort of unsure of what to be saying, and he was clearly thinking that maybe if he was even going to try and explain it to me, then it would sort of be going through my head, and I would be utterly confused, and I would not understand a single word of the context to it all. But I guess that maybe he was almost interested in enlightening me.
"Sort of gets people into the wrong type of stuff. Like drugs and sex and stuff. Or wreckless driving. Not really all that big of a deal to me, since I feel like people are going to make their own choices sooner or later anyways, and not need anybody to push them through it. But I guess that people just need to find a way to justify shitty teaching and shitty parenting." Josiah said, playing a few more seconds while I thought of what to say now.
"Are you into that?" I asked, hoping that him making that type of music was not a total metaphor for what he was into, and that he was not really doing anything too bad for himself, and that maybe the music was just that, a piece of his imagination that sort of represented something different than intended.
"Not at the moment at least. Maybe I will one day, but not now. I have no interest in basically selling my soul to the devil. Just because I play 'his music' doesn't mean that I believe in what he is trying to accomplish, and I think that even thinking that way is a bit silly to be honest." Josiah was telling me, and then he was laughing, as if trying to find something to say about it beyond that, but did not really feel the need to do this.
"Honestly, I think that if I wanted to do this, people would not be letting me hear the end of it, and that maybe I just need to let them know that I am doing whatever the hell I wanted. Besides, it's just music after all." After he was saying that to me, I was shocked to be hearing him of all people just saying that it was 'just music'.
"Never thought you would admit that." I said, laughing, and I was seeing him looking unsure of what to say. As if feeling like maybe there was no need to pursue this any further. Then after that, I was seeing that he was just clearly wishing to see how this was going to be heading now. "Do you want to play with friends?" I asked, thinking that the concept of friends was a bit strange to me still, but I was sort of wanting to see how it could be able to work out.
"I do play with my friends already. We make a lot of work with this, and I really enjoy doing this in the first place." After Josiah was saying that, I was seeing him clearly looking like there was nothing for him to be fearing, and I shrugged, thinking that maybe I needed to just let him play, and that if I talked more, and questioned him more, then his patience towards me was going to be running out, and that I was going to just be making him tempted to kick me out.
"Was the show a couple of days ago good?" I asked, and then I was seeing him looking at me, as if feeling like I was showing way too much interest in something as simple as one show that he had, and one song. And that maybe he was kind of starting to feel the mild annoyance of this whole thing come in. I never wanted to annoy him with this. I was just deeply interested in something like this. "I know you seemed to enjoy it." I said, wishing to see how this was even going to go.
"Yeah, it was good. It was just a bit longer than I was expecting though. You know, the fact that it was like all over the place. I mean, I think that perhaps I should have just done more to keep it more open to people to actually enjoy. But I guess that something like this is just not happening." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing that there was a small part of him that was wishing to say more, but could not find it in himself to do this.
"I was angry at people who would not show up, and who would not give me a chance. But I know that deep down, not everybody has to like what I am doing. I know that people don't have to like what I have been getting myself into, since it is just so fucking annoying to them. And I feel like maybe I could have at least tried to sort of see it in a different light." After Josiah was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was having wildly mixed feelings on this whole thing, and that even trying to find more to say on this was just going to be driving him absolutely crazy.
"How many people didn't show up?" I asked, feeling like maybe he was needing to give me more of a total understanding on how he was feeling, and that maybe Josiah was needing to just have somebody try and listen to him ramble for a while longer, even if I did not understand what the whole point of what he was saying had been. I knew that he was wishing to hear more from me, but this whole thing was just a bit strange and confusing.
"Enough to make me feel like maybe people were just not really even caring anymore. That people just needed to sort of work on their own regard. But I guess that maybe I should not have expected most of my classmates to show up. Even thinking about that assumption now seems a bit silly." Josiah said, both annoyed, and amused by the way he was going at this. I was feeling like maybe he just needed to find something that could make him see that people were fine with his shows, and not wanting him to quit or anything like that.
"I like to play, and I am going to keep doing it, but I will be doing it for myself rather than trying to impress them. I would go crazy if I was going to try and impress everybody who goes to school with me, and I know that something like this would not even come close to happening." Josiah was saying to me, and then I was seeing him wanting to try and say more, but was sort of looking like he was kind of lost on all of this, and had no idea of what was going to be happening if he were to try and say more.
"How can you get everybody to like you?" I asked thinking that it was possible, and I was wondering if there was something that I would be able to do to help him out. He was shaking his head, and I was seeing him clearly looking as if even such a idea would have been insane. I was wondering why he was not wanting to try it out. Since he was talking so much shit about himself that I had felt like I needed to try and see if I could make some form of a difference.
But in a way, I was feeling like perhaps Josiah was just going to want to do something else without my help, or without anybodys help, and that he would have to sort of let himself run for his own right in his way. "Honestly, I just want to accept that something like that is literally impossible. There is no way in hell everybody is going to like me. Not even fucking close. But that is the part of me that just refuses to let go of the whole thing. But I guess that maybe in a way, that sort of idea of people just doing their own thing, letting themselves have their own opinion is something I have to get used to." He said, shaking his head kind of annoyed at the mere prospect of this.
"Josiah, why do you want to get them to like it?" I asked, and then he was looking at me, as if feeling like perhaps he was unable to understand what he was even going to be saying to get me to change my mind. Maybe he was just going to see that if I was to have a different opinion, I would have to go to school myself, and really experience it all. But until then, I would sort of just be left in the dust to his ambitions.
"Maybe one of these days, I will be able to give a clear answer to why I care. I mean, I just wanted to make sure that the people that I go to school with could be able to walk away with something, and be able to feel like I gave them something that they might enjoy. But until then, I am just sort of lost. I can't appease everybody. Even trying to do something like that would drive me crazy. So instead I am shooting for the next best thing. And you want to know what that is?" He asked me, and was giving me a look of genuine interest, and I had no idea what to tell him.
So I just simply nodded, as if feeling like I would let him have his turn to talk, and I would let him clear my confusion up, and then I would start to see what the issue was here. "Honestly, I just want to be there for myself. As long as I am happy with the way that I am going at this, it will have to be enough. I can't make everybody happy. So I am not even going to try to make something like this work. Instead, I am going to be making myself happier, and I will see if maybe my increase of motivation will change the way people look at me." Josiah was saying, and I looked at him, sort of looking like he was willing to see what I would have felt to such a thing. In a way, I did not know, or care, and I was just wanting him to continue his enlightening.
"Music is something that I feel like can be able to capture what I want to really convey in my life. It is the only thing that I feel like really will show people what I am into, and I have to just sort of go as far with it as I can. You know, to just never let down on the sincerity of my opinions and goals." After Josiah was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to see what I was going to be saying next, or if I could say anything at all.
"Can I be into something?" I asked, genuinely curious as to what he was going to be telling me, and I was seeing him shrugging, having a very mixed idea on what he was feeling right now, to such a proposal. But as he was looking at me, I saw him look like there was not much that he was needing to say, or much that he could say, since there was just no real end goal to his ideas.
"Yeah, I mean, there is no real reason for you to not find something that you enjoy. You just have to look into it, and you have to try things over and over again, and then eventually find the one thing that you enjoy." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him sort of smiling at that idea, and I was just kind of curious as to what he was wanting to say now. Maybe he had more to say, but lacked the way of saying it, or thought that I was not ready for it.
"When I was younger, I had different goals than music. It was only really in middle school, in more in the last year or two, when I was getting into this. You know, because it was just something that had only shown up after I had tried virtually every other thing on the menu, and I was feeling like I had just needed to try and look into on my own." After Josiah was done with that, I was looking just sort of unsure of what the hell I was even going to get out of this.
"I was even into the idea of becoming a director at one point in time. As crazy as that sounds, and as impossible as it may be to actually comprehend for me to be into something like that, but it was the goal that I had at one point in time. I would have made an action flick that captured a metaphor for all the stuff that had happened in this town." After Josiah told me that, I was confused at what he was saying, and I was just wanting to know what he was meaning.
"I mean, when I was looking at all of the monster attacks, or what I was assuming was monster attacks, and I was seeing the mass hysteria, the people who went crazy and lost their ever loving minds over something that made no sense to me, I wanted to make a movie capturing that fear. I thought it would have been fun and that it would have been awesome. But I guess that something like this was just not going to really happen. Not that I couldn't do it, but I realized it just wasn't in my field in all honesty. It never had been, and it never will be." Josiah was telling me, and then I was seeing him looking sort of mixed on what he was saying, but was wishing to sort of keep myself more subdued.
"What monster attacks? Were they real?" I asked, and I was scared, thinking that if monsters were real in this town, and they were going all over the place, and ruining the lives of my brothers, and only making things worse, I was not really sure if I was ready for such a thing, and I was feeling like I just needed some form of a better answer, to sort of make me feel a bit differently than what I had been looking into.
"I think they could have been. If they were, then I would have no idea what to tell you. Just that you would need to be glad to not witness any of this, and that you were able to go away, and just find something of yourself to enjoy." Josiah was saying, and then he was just clearly wanting to play more, as can be shown when I was seeing him lightly grazing some notes as he was looking right at me, almost looking sad.
"I mean, I was only eight at the time. I was just trying to make some friends at town, minding my own business. You were not even born then, and my mother and father were sort of in the middle of getting ready to have Lydia at the time. Honestly, I was not really worried about that at all, as much as I was just worried about making my summer as fun as possible, and as much of a joy that I could be able to accomplish. I wanted to make this summer good. But then something happened, and something that I was never going to comprehend came along.
"It was all stopping when I was hearing my older brothers telling me about the big scary serial killer. They thought it would be the funniest thing in the world, and that I would have been scared out of my mind. You know what, they were right. I was scared, and I had no idea if they were telling the truth, and I had no idea if they were just saying this to pull my leg. But when they were telling me that they were not supposed to be looking into it, I was feeling like I needed to defy that in every way possible." Josiah said, and I was seeing him enjoying that memory, and savoring it for a moment.
"I could not leave good enough alone. I needed to know the truth. I wanted to know if these people that my brothers were talking about had been real, and I was just feeling like when I would learn the truth, and it could be done, then I would be able to come back home, and I would pretend like I did not see anything. You know, the perfect in and out operation, and then I would laugh at them when they would hear that I knew that the killer never happened." Josiah was saying, and at this point, he was kind of losing me, and I was wondering why this was related to monsters.
"So a couple of my friends and I, I think you know of Tyler at least, decided that we would go scouting, and that we would try and learn what was really going on, and see what the fear that my brothers were having and if it was actually justified in any real way, or sort of something that they were just hyping up for no real reason, which I would not have been shocked over, sadly." After Josiah was telling me that, I was seeing him sort of looking like he was finally reliving some memories that he was kind of happy with, and just needed a chance to go on and explain them all to me, and then I would see if maybe he and I had anything in common now.
"We were at this old house, and when we were going around, it was honestly the most exciting thing that we could be dealing with, and we decided that maybe that if there were really monsters here, we could be able to find them there, and that was what we were deciding to go in there. We went inside, and when we were inside, there was something a little bit strange about the whole thing. Something that I still don't fully get." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to sort of see what was the house was really like.
"Once we were inside of the house, I was seeing that there was a small mini fridge in there, and my friends and I decided that we would go on and see what the fridge contained, and it had some small sets of beer, which was not too strange, although odd considering the fact that we thought it was impossible that somebody was here in the first place. Then we were seeing that there was a couple of stains on the wall, and even we were smart enough at eight to not touch them." Josiah was saying, and while the story was interesting, I would be lying if I said I wasn't sure on how much of this was real or not.
"We went around the house, and saw too old and gross looking sleeping bags, and I was confused at this, and even my friends did not know what it was. We touched the sleeping bag, to sort of have a way to figure out what we were dealing with, and it was just hard and rough, and other more gross adjectives that I could use to describe it. The point was that this was just not normal, and we had no idea what the heck we were getting ourselves into." Josiah said, finally taking a break long enough to look at me, and to see my confused face, and he laughed, as if in agreement here.
"Strange, right? Well, we never really went any deeper into this, in fear of what we were going to be finding, and I think that even if we were needing to, none of us would have wanted to get any deeper into this. I think we would have just let the subject die, and we would have sort of pretended like everything was going to be fine. But I think that when our brothers were seeing that we were gone, part of them felt worse for what was going on, and I was feeling bad for them feeling like they had to look for me, and had to take care of me." Josiah was saying, and I was seeing him actually looking kind of mad when he was saying this.
"When we were walking around, minding our own business, and just having some fun, that was when we were starting to see that maybe there was a level of truth to this whole monster thing. We were seeing something on the streets, and it was looking like a thing with a green cape and a pumpkin mask on. I had no idea what it was, but when I was seeing it, trust me when I say that I had a feeling that this was part of the answer we were looking for." Josiah said, as if wanting to see what he was even going to be able to say, to really capture the mood he was truly in here.
"Did you go after them?" I asked, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to say something else, but was too worried to say anything in fear of what I would be reacting with, and even if I would be able to believe where he was coming from here. I just genuinely felt like I needed to know what the story was, but I was too scared that he would have tried to brush me off on this whole thing.
"I did try and see what they were like, but they were really fast. Like much faster than I could have expected. And when we were trying to see what it was doing, the things were just sort of not even playing attention to us. They were too busy just sort of trashing the streets apart, and making this whole town pretty much looking like we were going through a small term war zone. I really had no idea what we were getting into, and I was thinking that maybe if we looked harder, the two of us would have been able to find something to make it all work out." After Josiah was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like if there was nothing else to say, we were going to be sort of just going down a great and rough road.
"But you wanted to know, right? What was the secret of the house?" I had no idea how much of the story was true or not, and to be honest, I did not care. I just felt the need to know what was happening, and I was feeling the need to see if maybe he and I were able to go on and make more of a conversation from this whole thing. Josiah laughed, as if thinking that maybe I was giving him too much credit here.
"I never got to see the secret of the house, and to be honest, I don't think I would have wanted to. The whole thing was fucking creepy. You know, spelling doom, and making me feel like we were walking on incredibly thin ice. I think that when we were going to have to see what was there, I would have never been able to sort of move on." After Josiah was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to say more, but decided against it for my own sake.
"The house was just something that was on my mind, and something that I would have been interested in, but could never force anybody to learn about. I feel like if I was going to try and understand what we were seeing, then maybe anything that we once held dear to the town would have been thrown away. But in a way, I just feel like if I ever needed to go back into this, I would have gone on and been able to have a hear start on what to be looking into." After Josiah was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was just wanting to say more, but was feeling like there was no real need to say anything else, and that he would be able to leave it all alone now.
"I will leave you alone on this now. You know, just to sort of get this over with." After Josiah was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more, but felt like there was no real point in going any deeper than he had been. He had made his case, and that was all that he had needed to do. And now I was just wanting to see what the next stages of his plan could have been from here.
"Maybe I will tell my friends about it soon, remember the memories, and see what they say, and depending on what they say, we might be able to go on and learn more." After Josiah was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking totally mixed on what to be feeling here, but in a way, he was looking like he was wanting to sort of see what was going to come out of this.
...
-Jan 4 1994 3:24 pm- I was sort of feeling like the conversation with Josiah was making me feel a bit differently, and I was sort of just wanting to make sure that nothing was going to happen that would too overtly piss my family off with me looking so deep into this whole thing. Despite the fact that I had truly wanted even more information than I had been getting, I did not want to do it at the expense of pissing my family off, and making them wonder what the hell I was trying too accomplish. I needed to get on their good side first.
I was wanting to know what my family was up to, since I was feeling like doing that would have connected me, although when I was seeing that many of the members to be pissed off at the fact that I was doing this in the first place, I was wondering what the hell my problem was that I could not get into this whole business in the first place. Maybe I just needed to stop being so worried about what my family was doing. Maybe I just needed to remember that my parents were just wanting what was best for us.
But despite my mixed feelings on if I should be a good son or not, I was just curious about one bigger thing. One thing that I was feeling like would have been a valid question, if I was willing to entertain myself on this. What the hell was Josiah talking about when he was talking about monsters? Was he actually telling the truth, or was he pulling something out of his ass, just to see if he could scare me a bit, and see what I would be doing now.
I was feeling like he might have been doing that to pull my leg, but I did not think that it was going to be all that big of a deal. I was just scared of the fact that if he was not lying to me, or just pulling my leg, I was just scared on what the hell my siblings were up to, and I was wondering if perhaps they were going to try and make me more scared over nothing that was really happening in the first place.
Eventually, I was sort of keeping myself calm and collected, and I was sort of feeling like as long as I was not going to be making a issue on any of this, then there could be no monsters that would come along, and nothing would be making a big deal out of what was happening, and if there were monsters, I could just brush it off, and if there were monsters, I would have a chance to fight back. That was the only thing that mattered.
As I was sort of making peace with that idea, I was keeping myself calm and collected, and I would make myself feel like nothing else really matters anymore. I was thinking about what Josiah would have had to deal with if monsters were real, and in a way, if he was able to get himself through that, I was able to admire him more than I already had been, due to what he would have had to deal with in the first place.
As I was sitting down, I was seeing that there was that guy once again, and whatever slight amount of moving on I would have been able to accomplish by telling myself that even if he was there, it was not that big of a deal, had been totally thrown over the window, and now I was feeling like I needed to be ready for battle. I was feeling like whatever was going to happen now, I needed to just keep my family as safe as possible.
I had no idea what I was going to be getting myself into, and to be honest, I honestly did not care. I was going to be making whatever I can work out of this. I was needing to keep my family safe from this asshole, and whatever he was going to be doing next, the two of us were going to fucking fight, and I would make sure he was going down. Trust me, even at the time, even to three year old me, I was able to realize how insane I was sounding, and I was able to realize that nothing I was going to do would have made any sense.
I was feeling like maybe if I tried to talk with him, he might be able to explain to me what the issue was, and maybe if I was nice, I would tell him to go away, and then he would listen to me, and then I would be able to brush this off as one big set of strange events, and then I would need to not do anything else. I was standing up, and I was going to start to head on my way there, and I would try to peacefully resolve this.
As I was standing up, I was feeling somebody place their hand on my shoulder, as if trying to keep me safe. I had no idea what the hell was happening, but when I was stopping to see what my brothers would say, I was seeing that Seth was looking at me, as if feeling like he was wanting to make sure that no matter what else, I was not going to hurt myself because of this. I was sighing, just kind of annoyed with what he was doing.
"Do not go out there. You do not want to piss him off." After he was telling me this, I was seeing that he was wanting to be more serious on this, but was worried about what we were going to be doing. I was wondering why he was wanting me to go and let this man just make a big fucking display. But in a way, I was feeling like he might have been onto something here.
"He's no big deal." I said, and then I was seeing that Seth was not wanting to fuck with me on this, and that if I was even going to dare say something else like this, he was going to be mad at me, and he was going to try and force me to do something else with my time. I was then sighing, feeling like he was not going to be letting me do this, and that he was making his mind on this, no matter what I was wishing to tell him.
"Dylan, I know that this guy is up to something. You do not need to try and find out what. Just let a older sibling do this, or let him be off on his own." Seth was saying very clearly, and I was sort of wanting to make him see where I was coming from, and I was wanting him to be taking this easier, but I was feeling like if I even dared say something else, he was going to be getting mad at me, and he was going to be just not even wanting to hold back his annoyance.
So as I was looking at him, and I was looking at the man, and I was looking over and over again, I was just sort of wanting to fight with him on this, and I was wanting to make him know that he was being ridiculous, but I was not wanting to make him angry, and I was certainly not wanting to get him to feel like I was stupid or anything like that. So with this, I was just taking a long and deep breath, sort of giving up on this fight, and leaving the subject alone for the time being.
The man was not really doing much this time, and I was feeling like maybe if I just waited silent for another minute or two, I would have Seth's opinion confirmed, and that this was not that big of a deal. As I was feeling like everything would be fine, and that I was being a big baby over nothing, I was then sighing in annoyance, feeling like maybe I just needed to let the subject go, and that maybe Seth was always right on this, as annoying as this would have been.
"Fine, I will stop. He looks like he is not that big of a threat." I said, and then Seth was sort of looking like he did not agree with that, but was just glad to know that I was going to be leaving the subject alone, and that I was not going to be pursuing things too far, and that I was not going to hurt any of our chances on this, for both of our sakes.
Eventually, and not shockingly, there was a black car that was showing up, and it was picking up the guy that had slowly become a piece of my life, and I was seeing that he was not even looking at us, which meant that either he did not notice us, or he was pretty much testing us, and that he was not going to even dare say anything on the chance that we were actually going to be falling for whatever his big act was. And in a way, I guess that what he was doing was pretty smart. As much as I was hating this.
When he was heading off, I was looking at Seth, and I was feeling like maybe if I was nice enough about it, the two of us could be able to discuss what was going on, and he might be able to sort of help me understand what the issue was, and then I would be able to understand why he was so firm on making sure that I did not do anything too stupid. I was feeling like maybe if we talked on it, the two of us could agree on some regard, and be fine with this whole thing.
"Honestly, you really need to make sure that no matter what happens, you do not piss him off. He will ruin your life if you get him on edge, and he will make you regret ever coming along, and trying to see if you can help out. We would rather have you leave this alone, and let us take care of it than you go out, and try and be the hero." Seth was telling me, and I was seeing that whatever had bothered him was serious enough to where he was not going to be fighting with me on this, and I had wanted to know more, but I did not want to piss him further.
But I was feeling like there was something that Seth was owing me, and I was feeling like I had more than every right to try and vocalize this next part. "Tell me what the issue is." I said, and then I was seeing him looking more and more like he did not even want to talk about this any further. I was seeing that he was too scared to tell me what the issue was, probably on the fear that he would get caught or something, which was strange to me, but I did not question it too deeply.
"I seen him a couple of times. Not a pleasant story, and nothing you will want to get involved with. If you see that guy, just run." After Seth was saying this to me, I was feeling like my interest in the subject was going on through the roof, and I was needing a fucking answer. I was needing for him to try and give me something that I felt like I would be able to work out with.
"Did you talk to him?" I asked, and I was feeling like I was still in the form of validity, and that maybe he was going to give me some information that I asked him for, as long as he was feeling like maybe there was something that he could get me to understand, and that maybe if he was telling me this, the two of us were going to be on even grounds, and then I would never even want to try and oppose of him on this now.
"I did not talk to him. I talked with people that knew him. That is already more than enough." Seth was telling me, and then I was feeling like maybe there was a small part of me that did not even want to know more. That maybe if I tried to go further into this, the more that I was going to be going down a path that he would not want to discuss, and that maybe I was needing to just let the subject go, for his sake, which might have been a bit annoying for me to go on with.
"I met them, and they were really not nice. Like a lot harsher than you can possibly imagine." After Seth was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was not even daring to say anything else, and I was feeling like maybe I did not want to know more. I honestly thought that knowing more was probably going to be putting me in danger, and as much as I loved to play the role of detective, I was loving my safety even more, and that was the reason I was not going to keep asking.
"Seriously, if you were able to try and think it was a smart idea to get into this whole thing, then you will be ruining what our family has worked on so far." After Seth was saying that to me, I was seeing him just sort of looking like the conversation was going to be over after this point, and honestly, just to make sure that I did not piss off him too much, and that maybe he was actually telling the truth. I was thinking that I needed to give him a minor amount of greater respect.
"Alright, you made your point, You can stop now." I said, and then I was looking at him, and I was seriously wondering why he was even caring so much what I was feeling right now, and I was feeling like he was just needing to rub me off as just being the strange little brother who would not leave him alone, and then we were going to be able to move on, and pretend like nothing was happening. I was seriously just unsure of what was going on.
"Alright. Sorry for getting a little over board with this. I just wanted to make my point, and get it clear what I was thinking." After Seth was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was fine with this whole thing, and I was sighing, feeling like maybe I would be able to move on from this whole thing. I was just going off on my own, and I was thinking about what it would be like to deflect from what my brothers were telling me, and still going on to look anyways, just to see what I could be able to learn out of this whole thing.
Eventually, I was feeling like that if I were to do this, they might be lecturing me for no real good reason, and they might be acting like I did something terrible, and something wrong. But I did not really care. I was wanting to go on and learn what that guy was doing, and I was wanting to learn what was bothering my brothers so much, and I was wanting to be able to place this whole thing behind me, and then everything was going to be all fine and dandy, as if nothing ever happened.
Seth was starting to head on out, and when I was seeing him leave me alone, I was wondering if this was a way for him to try and go on and look without having to deal with me trying to make my opinions hard and stuff. I was feeling like maybe what he was going to do was just going to be his way of trying to keep me safe. I did not know what his issue was, or if he was having one in the first place, but I was still not having one regardless of what I was wanting to do.
Despite the great uncertainty that I was feeling, and the fact that I was sort of just looking into this too deeply, I was thinking that maybe I was just needing to leave the situation alone, and that if I was going to be leaving this situation alone, I would be able to sort of make this whole thing seem differently. I was thinking that perhaps he was just wanting to protect his younger siblings, and that in a way, he was not really doing anything wrong. He was just a guy that wanted to make his voice heard, and somebody who was wanting to make his point, and then once he did both, he was able to just sort of let the subject go, and be done with it.
I was feeling like what Seth was doing was probably not all that bad after all. I was sort of just telling myself to get over it, and that I was just needing to try and show a little bit of respect for him, since he was just doing his own best, and when I was telling myself this, and telling myself that in a rather genuine light, I was feeling like virtually all the hatred I was feeling had been going away, and that I was able to respect him in a way.
But if I went and found out what the truth was, and if I went on to learn what bothered him so much, I would be able to finally just place this all behind me, and then he and I could be able to play along, and just pretend like this was one big strange event, and then we could be good, and then I was feeling like maybe he would be a slightly worried older sibling, and then we can both move on with our lives, and realize that this whole thing was not worth any distancing between us.
Eventually, I genuinely believed in what I was doing, and I was genuinely thinking that this mindset I was gathering was a proper one, and I was thinking that maybe Seth and I were not really in such a bad spot But that did not mean that I was not wanting to learn as much as I could from this. I was just being smart enough to know when I was needing to place my interest aside, and when I was needing to go on and sort of be doing what was best for the family, since I did care about them in my own strange way, and in my own messed up way.
Maybe Seth was going to be a hero, and if he was going to be a hero, then I could say that I was wanting to be in the role, and that maybe we could have tried to make something work out between us, that could have made it seem like we were going to have a chance on making some amount of memories, and that if Seth was going to deny what I was able to play in his minor transformation, I would be feeling a little bit triggered on this whole thing.
But I was laughing, thinking that there was no way that Seth out of all of us was going to be a guy who tried too hard to have a sense of humor, and the guy who tried way too hard to be getting us to like what his stuff was, I was feeling like there was no way he was going to be the hero, and in a way, I was feeling like there was no way he was going to even try to be one. And I was thinking that maybe Seth was just going to be sort of a co start to the whole thing.
I was wondering if maybe Drake had anything to say on it, and if he was willing to talk with me on this, and if we were going to have something to share out of this whole thing. Maybe if the two of us were going to talk a bit on this, we could be able to sort of just find something that could make us feel a little bit less worried about this whole thing. I was feeling like Drake was just going to have to try and listen to my perspective if he wanted anything to say at all.
I was standing up, and then I was walking to the stairs of my bedroom, where I would see if perhaps I would be able to bother him, and if we would be able to talk for a bit, and see how things were doing, and then once that was over, the two of us were going to be able to walk back to our normal life, and we were just going to be acting like none of this was any form of a issue, which was not really true, but I was needing to just keep up the lie in a way.
When I was getting ready to head on down, that was when I was seeing that Gabe was sitting down, and he was drinking some kind of soda, which I was much too young to be so much as allowed to even touch without my parents around. But I was feeling like I just needed to find something to say to make him more aware of my presence. "Hey Gabe, how are you?" I asked, and then he was looking at me, and he was clearly glad to just see one of his siblings go out of their way to try and talk with them, and see if he was going to be doing well.
"I am fine. Just took care of some things, and did my best to try and talk with the people who I was worried about, and tried to come to some form of a agreement. You know, just to make sure that we knew what we were going to be dealing with, and that maybe we could be able to come to an agreement again, and be fine with this." After Gabe was telling me this, I was seeing him looking happier at this, and that he was almost proud of himself. As if thinking that what he had done was actually borderline heroic, and maybe it was, when I would know the full story.
But despite all that he was saying, and despite the fact that he was giving me no answers beyond this, I was feeling like maybe I needed to just try and learn more of what he was doing, and then we were going to be able to sort of put this whole thing aside, and we were going to be doing alright. I was just feeling like maybe Gabe was wanting to talk to us more, but there was just something about the discussion that was probably worrying him a bit more.
But I knew better than to try and stop him, and try to make him tell me more. So with that, I was stopping, and I was feeling like maybe if we just left the subject alone, the two of us would be able to just go on and do our own thing, and that maybe the two of us had sort of just gotten ourselves worried over nothing that was actually important.
With that, he was smiling at me, and I was glad to see him give me more compassion, and see him be willing to just show me some amount of love, and not be making me feel wrong for everything that was happening. "Hey, thanks for trying to help me out. Thanks for showing some concern. Makes me feel so much better." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he had no desire to say anything else, and that maybe we were needing to leave the subject off now. I was leaving him off, and I was seeing that he was just glad to know that he and I were able to get along for a while longer at least.
I was heading to bed, and I was going to be willing to discuss more things later, when I was feeling like I was able to be off on my own, and that I did not need to worry so damn much about what was going on, and that when we were going to be hanging out again, the two of us were going to be doing it in a much better light. And when I knew how much he was willing to do, and how much I was wanting to make him feel better, we were going to both be sort of there for each others side, when we were dealing with the worst of it all.
