"Scary Little Green Men"

Ianto was running, his lungs on fire as he forced himself beyond his endurance. Ahead of him Jack was running too, but he was labouring as well, his coat leaving his arms to flutter back around Ianto and Ianto was forced to continue running with the random thought that if that was to cover a puddle or something he might kill him later.

If the fucking little green men didn't get to them first.

Owen and Toshiko were safely back in the Hub, in lockdown but Gwen was still unknown. This was all her fucking fault ya know.

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"Jack?"

Ianto sighed as he pushed off from his lover who he was currently enjoying a great snog with, letting Jack rise awkwardly from his office chair with a look of apology to the man now sitting on his desk with a look of stormy temper. Jack pulled up his trousers and headed for the door, Ianto flopping back on the desk, his own pants around one ankle as he sighed at the veiling "And thar she blows. The biggest fucking cock block to sail the seven seas!"

Jack leaned over the railing and tried for mild interest "Gwen? Middle of the night? Said you could do a night shift without pissing Ianto off? Yes?"

"I know, no … look. What is that?" she waved a hand behind herself like she had farted or something and Jack knew that universal sign for 'whatever' was not going to win over the flustered Welshman that had just joined him at the railing. Shit.

Jack looked.

"Shit" he repeated out loud this time "When is the time stamp on that?"

"Forty minutes ago" she called back "Are they… are they little green men coming out of that bloody hamburger packet?"

"It' not a Hamburger packet. It's a Grelizian Fighter. Those 'little green men' as you call them are rabid little intergalactic bounty hunters. Shit. They followed someone or something here. Look at the firepower." Jack said as he forgot the angry Welshman to bound down the stairs and punch a code into his VM.

Ianto sighed and wandered down to his own station under the stairs, muttering about Gwen and her limited knowledge of Toshiko's system. Speakers crackled and Jack knew he was live.

"Greetings. I am Captain Jack Harkness of Sol 3. You do know this planet is protected right boys?" Jack said with a grin, the live feed on the large screen showing the small green creatures freezing and looking around with surprise then turning to their leader who held what looked a lot like a Star trek communicator.

"Harkness? How did you get this number?" a squeaky little voice demanded. "I need to speak to your leader!"

"I have alllll the numbers to your kit boyo. They handed them out at the academy" Jack said with enough flair for the little men to know which academy he meant and they now looked panicked, hands clamping tighter as they seemed to commune.

"You know … if you tell me who you are looking for we might …"

"Aren't they cute" Gwen said suddenly and Jack's face dropped as did the hands of the little green men who turned to look around with now ominous disgust.

"Ah Gwen… maybe not the best choice of words for our … ah… visitors" Ianto warned but she was not done.

"No. Seriously. They are gorgeous. Might fit in me purse!"

"PURSE!" one roared and Jack slapped his hand over his face in a classic face plum a Gwen said a word the galactic translator would substitute for …a …. A certain part of the female Grelizian anatomy that not all men want to be inside, if ya know what I mean?

"THIS IS WAR!"

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Jack had been glad he had sent Gwen home and not brought her as he turned to Ianto and cheerful said "RUN!"

"So … how do we stop them?" Ianto asked as he caught up to the failing man who had found out a little too late that meeting them in person to apologise might have been a good idea if not for the fact one of them recognised him under a name Ianto had never heard but apparently Jack had.

"Short of giving them John Hart on a silver platter not much" Jack panted glancing back with horror as he saw that they were catching up "They must have followed his VM trail here. Gods, they are gaining on us. So small. So fast?"

"How did they get past the satellite security?" Ianto was now seizing Jack and yanking him around the corner of a building for a moment of respite while the green men ran straight past, clearly not used to their prey doing something like that.

"I don't know. The Moon Base clearly fell over at the switch" Jack said sarcastically.

Ianto went to reply and froze as his eyes widened and Jack slowly turned to find a little green man standing behind them with his gin in his hand.

"Hi" Jack said with a smile "How ya doing?"

"I… I've lost …"

"They went that way" Ianto pointed and the little man waved a tiny hand and took off after his team, both men leaning aroudn the corner with disbelief as he ran off into the falling darkness.

"So what now?" Ianto asked.

Jack opened his VM and tapped a few buttons "I call John."

"Jax, miss me lover?"

"John! Grelizian Bounty Hunters are rampaging about in the park, a squirrel may lose his nuts" Jack barked "Who did you piss off this time?"

"No! Really? Awwwwww"

"Johnty!"

"Well … OK. sorry petal. Goddess! SOOOOO picky these days. Tell me lover … is the suited one there?"

"Hi-Ho John" Ianto called out and Jack glanced over at him with… what… really? Ianto blushed as Jack showed a bit of passiveness in pushing a button to silence the call.

"Why did you call him of you were going to…" Ianto started to ask the reasons for that when Jack held out a finger and they watched the alleyway as the little green party raced past, one of them holding an empty candy wrapper above his head like a trophy.

As the tiny packet shaped ship blasted off Ianto turned to Jack. "Don't tell me. They have his trail again?"

"One of them" Jack grinned "But seriously Ianto … when not trying to kill you via entering your big toe … they are kinds cute. Right?"

Ianto rolled his eyes and looked at the little light in the sky then said softly "whatever."

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"Scary Little Green Men" Ozzy Osborne (Jason Momoa in video SIGH)

Their colours are blinding me again (I don't belong here)
The skyline is bleeding black and red (How did they get here)
How long, how long, have they been living in my head
How long, how long, we bite our tongues and play pretend

They want us, they need us
They might just try to eat us
They'll greet us, deceive us
Say, "Take us to your leader"

Everybody wants them
Until we meet them
Everybody wants them
It's the end
Scary little green men
Do you believe in
Scary little green men
It's the end

They're hiding amongst us everywhere (They don't belong here)
They're silent, they may be violent, I don't care (I don't belong here)
How long, how long, have they been living in my head
How long, how long, we bite our tongues and play pretend

They want us, they need us
They might just try to eat us
They'll greet us, deceive us
Say, "Take us to your leader"

Everybody wants them
Until we meet them
Everybody wants them
It's the end
Scary little green men
Do you believe in
Scary little green men
It's the end

Men on the moon, won't you tell us the truth
Is there anyone out there
Feeding us lies as we look to the sky
Is there anyone out there now

"Take me to your leader"
"We come in peace"
"I'm human safe"

Everybody wants them
Until we meet them
Everybody wants them
It's the end
Scary little green men
Do you believe in
Scary little green men
It's the end

Men on the moon, won't you tell us the truth
Is there anyone out there
Feeding us lies as we look to the sky
Is there anyone out there now

Look up to the sky
Is there anyone out there now
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

Scary little green men
Do you believe in
Scary little green men
It's the end
Scary little green men
Do you believe in
Scary little green men
It's the end

"We will not kill you, we want to come in peace"
"Don't worry, we are here, friend"
"That's good"