The hotel room was different to the one they'd been in before. Perhaps they'd had to change it to avoid the authorities? Or perhaps they just didn't want him knowing where they were… He pushed the thought from his mind, though it lingered, pacing back and forth through his subconscious, waiting for the moment to strike. The door seemed more ominous, somehow, than it had done before, it's thick oak panelling so solid and real it was almost as though it didn't want to be opened. Or that's how it felt to Noctis, at least.
Ravus apparently noticed his hesitation, because he turned to face him just as he put his hand to the door.
"My sister will likely already be within. I myself am quite late. Are you ready?"
Noctis sighed, and scratched the back of his head.
"Ready as I'll ever be."
Ravus narrowed his eyes slightly, then nodded, pushing the door open.
Noctis instinctively flinched back as the door swung open to reveal the five people sitting within. It felt too close to Lestallum, when everything had started going wrong. He thought he should be strong enough to deal with this sort of thing by now. But he wasn't.
"Apologies for my lateness," said Ravus, striding into the room and leaving Noctis standing awkwardly in the doorway, "I found someone on my way here."
"Noct?" cried Prompto, jumping up from his seat and rushing over to him before Noctis was quite sure what was happening. "Are you okay? Do you need to sit down?"
Prompto was already ushering him into the room before he had time to complain, so now he had no chance of running from this. Why was he still so focused on getting away from them? He was just...frightened. All he had to do was stay calm and try to focus.
"I'm fine," he said, before remembering that might annoy them. "I mean, not fine but I can stand up. It's okay."
He slumped into the chair Prompto pulled out for him, probably not creating the best impression. Oh well. He might not be an invalid anymore, but he was still exhausted.
"How is it you came to be wandering Altissia, Noct?" asked Ignis, staring at him from across the table. "Are you sure you're quite alright?"
He had a few choices with that question, he knew, but which one to go with? He didn't want to worry them too much, but saying he'd followed Gentiana in the middle of the night wouldn't create a great impression either. But he'd also already given Ravus a version of that story so it wasn't like he could make up something completely new...
"I saw Gentiana early this morning," he said. Luna's eyes widened a bit as he said that, which was curious, but he decided not to linger on it. "She asked me to come with her, so I did. Then I ran into Ravus."
"Sounds like the Gods wanted you to meet us," said Gladio.
Ravus was giving him an odd sideways look. He'd probably guessed that that wasn't all there was to Noctis's story. "Indeed," he said. "It was very fortunate."
"But how are you feeling Noct?" asked Ignis, bringing the subject back around to what he wanted to talk about even less.
A large part of him wanted to just explode and tell them all that he'd seen while unconscious on the altar—all those memories, all that pain, just so they knew what they were dealing with. Just so it didn't end up like him trying to conceal his time travel: with them worried and angry, and him sick and paranoid. But. There was always a 'but'. And this one was that he'd seen how this had gone before, and he'd never liked it.
The brutality of what he'd witnessed in those memories—how he stopped caring for them, stopped caring for anything but himself—for a way out of the unceasing nightmare—it still scared him. And what's more, in those worlds when they knew what had happened, it rarely turned out well. Sure they got the job done: killed Ardyn and saved the world, but he could always sense a certain...anxiety. A tension that wasn't there when they didn't find out. The fear of knowing that even if Noctis did die, perhaps not all would be right with the world after all. And of course, as soon as he did die, they all died too; crushed and remoulded into younger, more ignorant versions of themselves once again. And he stayed the same. Always the same.
Could he inflict that on them again? Could he force upon them the knowledge that was so slowly but surely crushing him—that this was his final chance?
The two sides of himself warred within his mind. His present knowledge—all he'd done in this world up until now—was sick of secrets, was sick of lying to them time and time again, hoping it would turn out for the best. It insisted that they'd somehow guess, find a way to uncover his darkest secrets, and claw away at them until he had no choice to bring them to light. And then he'd regret not telling them sooner. And they'd hate him for lying to them, again and again and again.
But the other side; the older, lonelier, angrier side, kept an iron grip on his heart. It told him it had seen all this before, and that he knew how it ended. It told him how if they knew they'd be crushed all to pieces to discover the monster he'd become. That if they found out, rather than be filled with hope for the future, they'd become just as hopeless and miserable as him, and hate him for telling them the horrible things he knew. It reminded him of their tiredness and fear in the old worlds—not of fate, but of him. Of his knowledge. His treatment of them. It pounded a grim drumbeat of death in his ears, calling him to silence. Silence or be damned again.
In the real world, he knew he'd been quiet for a long time. That he was getting concerned looks across the table. Even if he wanted to tell them, the atmosphere suggested it might not be the best time. So he wrenched himself back to the present, and forced his lips into a tired smile, like a puppet-master tugging at a string.
"Sorry," he said aloud, sounding tired but not too wretched. "Got caught up in my own thoughts there. I'm very tired, but I don't think I'm permanently injured or anything like that."
Not on the outside, anyway.
"That's good to hear," said Ignis, though he didn't look too happy to hear it. Ever the discontented one, was Ignis.
"Anyway," he said, mostly to prevent them from asking any more questions, "what's been going on while I was asleep? Anything exciting? It doesn't look like we've been invaded or anything."
"Well the daemons have been encroaching day by day, but nothing like a full-scale invasion just yet," said Ignis, not looking too happy that Noctis had changed the subject. Noctis noticed Ravus glaring a bit at this juncture. Ignis apparently noticed as well, because he quickly continued. "Ravus has kindly agreed to stay until he could secure us transport to Niflheim, which has been proving difficult. Lady Lunafreya still insists on accompanying us."
"I do wish you didn't make it sound such a burden," sighed Luna. Noctis got the impression she was almost as tired as he was. "I am capable of fighting."
"Nobody doubts that, Lady Lunafreya," said Gladio, "but you're the only one who can still heal people from the Starscourge. If anything happens to you—"
"Then Noctis is quite capable of rising in my stead," she said, looking directly at him. "I understand your concern, but my part in all this is practically over. Noctis's life takes precedent now. You understand that, don't you Noctis?"
He wanted to argue with her, tell her that her life was worth more than being wasted trying to protect him, but he knew that would only make him a massive hypocrite. He sighed and leaned back in his chair.
"She's right." Luna smiled at him while Ravus's glare only intensified. "I still don't like the idea of you putting yourself in danger just to help me but...I can't stop you. If that's what you want to do then it's your choice. And I promise to respect that."
Luna beamed at him, and while he still didn't like this whole set-up, he felt a little easier about it.
"So you're definitely on our team now?" asked Prompto, sounding a lot more excited than Ignis and Gladio. Luna nodded. "Sweet!"
Noctis turned to Ravus, who'd been silent for most of this.
"So, what are you planning to do now?"
Ravus sighed, his scowl lightening a little.
"I must return to Tenebrae. The situation there has been...escalating, of late." Noctis didn't like the sound of that. Neither, it seemed, did Luna, because she turned to give Ravus a sharp look at that juncture too. But he ignored it, and continued on as though nothing had happened. "However, I have agreed to stay until I can secure you transport from Altissia. All the boats, including yours I'm afraid, have been seized and nobody's being allowed in and out of the city unless they're foreigners or government officials."
"Didn't you say you were going to help evacuate?" asked Noctis, alarm beginning to rise in his chest. "People can't stay here, they've not got much time until—"
"I'm well aware of that," said Ravus, testily. "I've done all I can with regard to getting my people to tell others to evacuate, but I'm afraid with our small numbers we no longer wield the power we once had. The Accordan government appears to have worked out that Niflheim is not in any state to launch a large offensive at this stage, and they're very skeptical of me as a result."
"It's true," sighed Luna gravely. "Ravus and I spoke extensively with the First Secretary yesterday, but after the attack by the MTs she's refusing to listen to anything we say."
"She believes we were planning a coup," said Ravus, looking less than impressed with the idea.
"That…makes things difficult," sighed Noctis. And that was the last thing he needed with the state he was in.
"Yes," said Luna, "and it makes getting out of the city very troubling."
"But we've got a solution to that, haven't we?" asked Prompto, finally speaking up.
"Indeed," said Ignis. "Commodore Highwind has agreed to transport us out of the city."
"She has?" asked Noctis, surprised. "Can she help anyone else get out?"
"Not large numbers," said Ravus, in a slightly pained way, "but she's agreed to leave some of her men behind to assist with negotiations, yes."
Noctis sighed. It wasn't all he'd hoped for, but it might be the best option they had. "I suppose that's something."
"We assumed the train would be a route you'd prefer to avoid on the occasion, so the only other option was by airship," said Ignis, looking at him with his brows furrowed.
Noctis thought back to the train, to the argument, shoving Prompto off, the tunnel of daemons...yes, he'd prefer to avoid the train at all costs.
"Yeah, that's probably a good idea."
"Aranea said she'd probably be arriving this afternoon," said Gladio, tapping the back of Noctis's chair, "and from here it'd probably take us two days to get to Niflheim by airship if we stop off in Tenebrae to let Ravus go. Assuming you wanna leave right away, that is."
Ah, back to his health troubles. Perfect.
"I'll be okay," he said. He wasn't sure if that was true, but he was banking on it. He couldn't afford to delay his trip to Bahamut much longer.
"How is your fatigue, Noctis?" asked Luna, looking at him worriedly from her chair. He remembered what Ravus had said on the way there, how she'd been worried the pain of the covenant had fallen on him. "You have just slept for almost three days."
Ah yes, that was...awkward. And it wasn't like he could deny the fact he was exhausted...
"I am tired," he said, "but somehow I doubt that's gonna go away any time soon."
"Are you sure it would best not to rest a little longer?" asked Ignis.
Noctis gave a heavy sigh. He knew this was coming. "Well if you won't let me go, then I can't, but I don't think it'd help. I've had more than enough rest already. The only thing that's gonna make me feel better at this point is getting going as soon as possible."
He could tell no one was exactly happy with this interpretation, but no one seemed willing to protest either.
"When's Aranea coming?" he asked.
"About three o'clock," said Luna. "She intends to meet us at the Temple of Leviathan. The people of Altissia are still unwilling to approach it, given all that has happened these last few days."
"Sounds like a plan," said Noctis. But even as he said it, he became aware of a dull ache in the back of his head, something tugging at his mind. He knew what it was; a memory trying to rise to the surface, to crush him beneath it's weight. Not now. He didn't have time for this now.
"If we're going to meet the Commodore then you need to get cleaned up first," said Ignis, looking him up and down severely.
Of course, he had some grit left on him, and his clothes probably looked considerably worse for wear having spent some of the night asleep on the pavement.
"Right," he said, not looking forward to it one bit. "I should probably take a shower and so on."
"No 'probably' about it, princess," said Gladio, hauling him up from his chair. Noctis had to take a moment to balance himself. "We'll catch you up on everything else once you're cleaned up."
With that, Noctis found himself being spun into the bathroom and the door being shut abruptly behind him. The door seemed to be pretty thick, because the moment it swung shut Noctis was left alone in the silence of the bathroom. And in the silence, his thoughts came back louder than ever.
The memory he'd been trying so hard to ignore when Luna mentioned the Temple of Leviathan came rushing back…
He was late. Blood pounded in his ears as he ran through the city, already in pieces from Leviathan's rampage. Luna couldn't be dead yet—she couldn't be. He never let her die. Not again... Wait, was that…? He ran over to the woman dressed all in white, staring blankly up at the huge figure of Leviathan, flying through the sky. Yes, it was her—she was alright!
"Come on!" he cried, grabbing her hand, pulling her away from the wreckage. "We have to get out of here!"
She turned to him as though in a daze. "Noctis?"
"Come on!" he said, tugging her hand. "We've got to run!"
That seemed to get through to her, and she began running behind him, through the wreckage and debris all around. Too late. The words echoed in his head. He'd left it too late.
Finally, they came to a clear plaza, and Noctis bent over, panting from the strain. The Temple loomed behind them, blotting out the sun, high in the sky above. Were they safe? Surely Leviathan wouldn't attack her own temple?
But then a shadow rose in the sky, high above, a serpentine head towering over them. Noctis knew what was coming next, as seconds later an almighty roar echoed overhead, and the rush of water came crashing in from all sides. A wave, higher than anything he'd ever seen exploded over the top of the temple, bearing down towards them.
There was barely even enough time to scream.
Then it was over.
He was staring at the floor, his entire body shaking, his legs having fallen out from beneath him, his arms catching him instinctively as he fell. He felt as though he was going to be sick, bile rising in his throat, pain ricocheting through his limbs as his body remembered the ghost of death. He took several deep, steadying breaths. He was stronger than this. It wasn't real. That was all over now.
He fell back as the tension finally released, and he was no longer convinced he was drowning. Why was it always the worst deaths that came back so easily? He raised one shaking hand to wipe the sweat from his eyes. It was freezing to the touch. That was no good. Was he sick again? Six, he hoped not.
Trembling, he finally managed to force himself to his feet. Although he was acutely aware of feeling like he'd been put through hell and back, he still wasn't quite sure any of it was real. It was as though his awareness of the pain was an inconvenient annoyance, and if he ignored it long enough, he'd eventually find it was gone completely.
It was in this state of not-quite-consciousness that he got undressed, barely feeling the clothes slipping from his skin, and stepped into the shower. Then the warm water hit his head, and suddenly, the feeling was gone. He was back. He still felt wretched, yes, but at least he knew that. Before, it was as though he'd been on a different plane of reality. He leant back against the wall of the shower and closed his eyes, letting the exhaustion run through him.
Maybe Ignis had been right about him needing to rest. His mind still clearly had some catching up to do with the rest of him. Then again, he knew damn well what he was like when he had nothing to but sit around and hope he'd get better. He sighed, his ribs aching slightly as he did.
Why was this all so complicated? Just when he thought he'd come clean to them, taken the weight of the future off his mind, this had to go and happen. And this was far more complicated than having done things once before.
Now hundreds of lives teamed in the back of his head, hundreds of miserable failures he hated to think about. Some of them went well, yes, but they weren't important. And they'd all died, in every single one. He could feel his throat beginning to get tight as tears began to come to his eyes at the thought again. And he'd lied to them about that first one too: that in the end, despite his death, it had all been alright. It hadn't. And then he'd chosen to kill them again.
Would they forgive him for that? Could they forgive him for that? He couldn't. And he wasn't even the one who'd gotten hurt.
He forcibly pushed himself upright in the shower again, scrubbing fiercely at his hair, needing to do something to take his mind off things.
There was one thing that was painfully clear to him though—even if he didn't want to tell them, he was quite obviously not alright. Every time he was forced to recall that all was not as it had been before, it was as though his mind and body split in two, with him either getting upset or angry or numb—all entirely without warning. And if it kept happening then they'd notice. Hell, even Ravus had noticed on the way there, and he wasn't exactly an empathetic person to start with.
So, if he really was intent on not telling them, he was going to need a damned good excuse. And the present part of his mind was already rebelling against the idea, already having been stung before by him trying to conceal his secrets. But realistically, until he could actually work out exactly what had happened in all those years, and how to tell the others in a way that wouldn't make them hate him, he needed to conceal it. He didn't want them to abandon him for this. He'd done so much, so much to cause them pain and…he still couldn't bear the thought of losing them. Not after they'd come this far.
Tears were beginning to come to his eyes again, and this time he made no effort to force them down. After all he'd been through these past few weeks, if he didn't cry he'd probably go insane. So for a while he just stood there, letting the tears roll down his cheeks, washed away by the warm water of the shower.
When he finally managed to stop, he felt somehow a lot lighter than he did before. Sure he still had to face all that was waiting for him out there, but it didn't seem quite so crushing anymore. It was as though he'd cleared his system somehow. Now if no one mentioned anything that set him off again, he was good to go.
He stepped out of the shower and puller his clean clothes out of the Armiger, tugging them on and mostly successfully ignoring the ache in his muscles as he did. He was used to this sort of thing by now.
He stared blankly at his reflection in the mirror as he did his best to tame his hair. He still looked like an absolute wreck. Odd how, even though his memories themselves had been erased, his eyes still looked about as old as he felt.
It was about time to go. He stared at the door. They'd all be waiting for him out there. But he'd delayed long enough.
He finally stepped over to the door, and carefully pulled it open. He tried to look stronger than he felt. He wasn't particularly sure it was working.
"Ah, much better," said Ignis, when he caught sight of Noctis standing in the doorway. "You look halfway presentable now, at least."
"Glad to know you approve," he sighed, entering the room and quickly noticed that Luna and Ravus were no longer there. Perhaps they'd left early to go back to wherever they were staying. He still needed to speak to her about his plan with the Crystal. That would have to wait until later. He told himself there was no need to be nervous about it. He didn't believe himself though.
"Hi, Noct!" said Prompto, sticking his head around the door. "Finally got all that grit off, huh? Did you get in a fight on the way here or something?"
He figured that after everything else, this was something he could at least come clean about.
"Yeah, it was pretty dark out when I ran into Ravus, so we saw a few daemons lurking around before we got here."
"There are more of them lately," said Gladio, finally looking up from his book. "I guess that's Ardyn's fault, right?"
"Yep," sighed Noctis.
"At least the Chancellor seems to have vanished for the time being," said Ignis, though he frowned as he said it.
Ardyn was probably lurking somewhere in the shadows wearing a face that wasn't his, but Noctis decided not to mention that. They had enough to worry about as it was. He'd learnt by now that the phrase 'out of sight, out of mind' applied very well to the loathsome Chancellor. If he wasn't showing himself then they weren't in danger from him, but it was never safe to assume he wasn't watching.
He rolled his shoulders and sighed. He felt awfully stiff all of a sudden. He really hoped it wasn't some new symptom of his tenuous medical condition.
"I'm guessing Luna and Ravus have gone on ahead?"
"They wanted to make their own preparations before leaving," said Ignis, ushering Noctis over to where he was standing. "They'll meet us at the church at three o'clock. Is there anything you want to do before leaving, Noct? I understand you haven't had much time to recover or look around the city with things being as they have been."
"I'll be fine, Specs," said Noctis, but with affection rather than annoyance. At least he knew Ignis could cope with this sort of thing now. "What's been happening while I was out? Have you guys been busy?"
They all exchanged glances.
"Well," said Gladio, "there's not been a whole lot to do besides help with the clean-up and make sure you were okay. Gave us a hell of a shock when you weren't waking up to begin with, though."
"Ah, sorry," he said, trying to sound like he meant it.
"Hey, it's not like it's your fault or anything, buddy," said Prompto, sending a smile in his direction. "We're just glad you're okay now."
"Indeed," said Ignis. "What did the doctor say when he discharged you, Noct? I'm curious to know."
Ah. Now that was going to be difficult.
"So, um, I mentioned Gentiana guided me here, right?" he said. Ignis's expression didn't change, but Noctis could tell he was none too pleased with where this was going. "So I didn't exactly get formally discharged or anything. Yeah. Sorry about that."
"One of us will have to inform the doctor you're safe and sound then," said Ignis, his voice cold as ice.
"I'll do it," said Gladio. "It's no big deal to me. Gotta kill time somehow until Aranea shows up."
"I'm so glad she's the one who'll be taking us out of the city," said Prompto, dreamily.
Noctis was dimly aware that he hadn't heard Prompto sound like that in a long time. And that that was mostly his fault. It was hard to concentrate on girls when your best friend had gone completely insane, he supposed. Oh Six, he was beginning to feel sick again...
"Noct?" Ignis's sharp voice cut through the fog and brought him back again. "You've gone very pale. Are you certain you're up to this?"
Using practically every last ounce of willpower he had, Noctis shoved the memory down, forced himself to stand up straighter and breathed as deeply as he could in an effort to drive the sickness away. Excuses. He needed to find one in case this happened again. He needed to find one for right now.
"Sorry," he said, his mind fluttering faster than even his heart, "I, um... I'm not quite used to this yet."
"Used to what?" asked Gladio, staring at him with a concerned frown.
"It all being...okay, I guess." His voice cracked slightly as he said it, fully aware of how ridiculous he sounded. "I mean, this time last time Luna was dead and you were blind and...I'm just not quite used to it, if you know what I mean."
Immediately, Ignis's expression softened, and Noctis could practically feel some of the tension go out of the room. Thank the Gods that had worked.
"I'm fine, Noctis," said Ignis, smiling gently. "But I understand it might take you some time to get used to all of this."
"Yeah," he said, the tension unreeling around his chest a little. "Just a bit out of sorts, y'know."
"Anything we can do to make you feel better?" asked Prompto, looking at him with an unusually sober frown.
Could they somehow magically never act like their past selves so he didn't have to remember all he'd done to them? No, he couldn't say that. Six he was getting tired again. Being on hyper-alert like this was so exhausting...
He shook his head. "Not really. I just need to stay busy, I think. Let everything sink in naturally."
"Is there anything you wanna do in Tenebrae?" asked Gladio. "I mean, people don't go here sightseeing for nothing, y'know?"
"Though a lot of places are closed 'cause of all the flooding," Prompto added quickly. "So, um, gotta bear that in mind."
With the mention of flooding, something came back to him. "Does anyone know if Cid's alright?"
"Haven't seen him since we got here," said Gladio, frowning.
"I suspect our friend at the restaurant, Weskham, will know his location," said Ignis.
"If he's still okay too," said Prompto, doubtfully.
"I'd like to do that first then," said Noctis. "I'd hate to leave knowing he might still be in danger."
Ignis nodded soberly. "That will be our first move then, as soon as we're done packing."
Right, packing. The thought had barely crossed Noctis's mind. He tended to move with whatever he had on him, and with the Armiger at his disposal it had never proved a problem for him living in the wild without as many resources as he was used to. Or at least, that was how it had been.
The world was beginning to grow grey and distant. He swallowed and shook himself, but it didn't really help. The others had dispersed by then, and he didn't really want to bother them, so he sat in the corner, quiet and still, trying not to be sucked away into memories again.
So, that was interesting, huh? I wanted to avoid re-hashing the whole train argument, so we get airship time with Aranea instead! Plus Luna's coming, so that's another big change in terms of the story. Whether or not Noct's actually going to be able to hold himself together long enough to get through the trip is another matter, but there we go—we've still got to have some conflict after all. I hope you enjoyed the chapter and thank you to everyone still reading!
