Neon Genesis Goonvangelion Book 3: Pointless Kombat
Chapter 10: Surprising, Yet Expected / Dress Rehersal II
The mute, angular form of the Jet Alone-a purely machine construct-stood upon two legs and waved and swung about four arms. The 'hands' of these appendages were buzzing, faintly glowing ultrasonic cutting blades; each long enough to slice a tank in half and powerful enough to go through a half-dozen of the suckers in a single slash. The defensive pattern cut by the arms gave even the pilot within the biomechanical Evangelion Unit-05 pause.
Between the black clouds and the thick haze of grey smoke, most of the light upon the Jet Alone was from those blades.
John patiently watched the robot advance, memorizing the timing of the Jet Alone's moving blades. He could spare no attention to other matters, and thankfully the other Evangelion pilots remained silent, trusting him.
He moved in what felt to him like an random instinct. Something in his mind told him to move, and he moved. His Evangelion followed suit in near perfect synchronicity. Slide forward to steps, pause for a fraction of a second, lunge left, then right, arms moving to match the speed and position of two of the glowing blades while the AT-Field came up to full strength just as the furthest blades hit the limits of their reach and slowed…
"Gotcha!"
Unit-05 moved before he spoke, slicing through one of the arms. John dropped the AT-Field and rolled to one side as Unit-05 broke away in a different direction. The robot lowered the stump of its damaged limb, and the remaining arms shifted their defensive pattern.
"Your reinforcements have arrived!" Misato announced over the comm.
Three new Evas came around the bend in the canyon, and halted well away from the battle. Unit-02 carried a pair of polearms with blades similar to a Progressive Knife. Unit-07, sporting B-type armor with shorter shoulder extensions than some of the other Evas, sported a wide chin line, and an elevated brow rather than an extended horn. The black paint job with white markings almost but not quite emulated a track suit. For some reason, it held a massive broadsword. Unit-09 sported an olive drab paint job, typical B-type armor with simple shoulder guards and some headgear that resembled an infantry helmet. The binocular lenses were asymmetrical, the left eye being about three times larger than the right.
"Shinji, what's going on?" Toji asked.
Misato's calm, commanding voice filled the comm. "Cut the chatter, 07. Support John with running attacks to keep the robot from overwhelming 05."
Toji shrugged. "I'm just wondering why John hasn't blasted it yet."
"The Jet Alone MkII is powered by an on-board nuclear reactor. Projectile weapons that the Evangelions are equipped with will detonate it, ki blasts carry equal danger, and this area is heavily populated. You'll need to disable its combat capabilities without damaging the reactor."
Asuka sighed. "Well, let's get to work."
The arrivals fanned out and moved down the valley a hundred meters, letting the Jet Alone 2 advance into a more open area. John, Shinji, and Rei moved their Evangelions back at the same time, and the group arrayed themselves into a chevron formation to meet the advancing beast.
Taking advantage of their few seconds worth of breathing space, John asked, "Do we have an ETA on the last two?"
"They were busy knocking over buildings last I looked," Misato answered tersely.
John had no more time to craft words, and met the Jet Alone's charge, weaving around and blocking the three flying blades. He found the stump still a threat as it buzzed by the head of Unit-05 repeatedly. Unit-01 moved in with the nagita weapon Unit-02 had brought, but Shinji's movements were not in sync with John's and the latter could not set up attacks while the former distracted the robot. "Pull back!"
03 and 01 leapt back as 05 rolled backwards from the battle. 03 smashed a little shack on the valley floor with its foot, while 01's elbow carved a chunk from the top of the steep hill it stopped against. The three remaining Evas held their positions, guards up as the Jet Alone took another step, and all hell broke loose.
"Blue pattern detected!" Rang out over the comm.
A black ribbon exploded from the debris that used to be a shack, slipped around 03's feet, snaked between 05 and 01, dodged the defensive limbs of the Jet Alone, and slammed into the robot's chest plate. Cracks spread out from the impact, cracks instantly filled by the black thing.
The Jet Alone's arms froze.
It took John almost a quarter of a second to start screaming orders. "RIP OFF ITS ARMS!"
All six pilots charged, grabbed onto various arms, and started trying to tear them free of the body. Since the attack wasn't coordinated, they wasted precious seconds jostling and bumping into each other. Too many seconds, for just as their grip was sure the black thing slid down the still arms and the Jet Alone began to move. It twisted and whipped its limbs about, swiftly throwing all six Evangelions into the air and then drawing back all four arms as if to spear them.
Then two energy balls came screaming up the valley in a picturesque arc and slammed into the chest of the Jet Alone, knocking the robot clean off its feet.
The Evangelions tumbled to the ground like six million pounds of biomechanical war machine slamming into the ground in disarray.
For a moment, all was silent.
"Pilots, we're classifying the Jet Alone as the Thirteenth Angel. Forget about the reactor, just stop that thing!"
"In a minute, I need to get SOMEBODY'S FOOT OFF MY ASS!" Kensuke shouted from the bottom of the dogpile.
While the Evas scrambled to their feet, the Jet Alone sprouted six black tentacles. Two rocketed towards Unit-01 and grabbed the Eva while it helped Unit-09 get up.
"Shinji!" Asuka shouted.
"Hey!" Kensuke added, Unit-09 swiping uselessly at the tentacles as they hoisted 01 into the air out of his reach. "Where the fuck did I put that sword?"
"Rei!" Asuka pointed 02's hand at Ayanami's borrowed Eva.
Unit-03 was already standing between the group and the Jet Alone, hands extended, palms facing the new Angel. "I have it, Sohryu."
John set himself in a sprinting position. "Toji! Kensuke! Flank me and move when I do!"
A yellow barrier flickered in front of 03's hands. Changed quickly from ethereal to solid, a hexagonal pattern in bright orange wavering. The tentacles holding 01 were pinched where they penetrated the barrier, and the limbs began writhing erratically, quickly releasing the purple Eva. 02 caught 01, and handed it a Progressive Knife.
Unit-01 clutched the weapon, hands shaking. "Thanks, Asuka."
"Now!" John rushed forward, his Eva kicking up divots of earth the size of compact cars. 07 and 09 were on his heels.
The barrier flickered and died, and Rei dove 03 to the side, grabbing one of the pole arms were it stuck up from the ground. A single tentacle aimed for her, the others moving to intercept the advancing trio of Evas, and struck a glancing blow to the handle of the pole arm as 03 wrenched it from the ground. A quick twirl let the butt of the weapon direct the 'head' of the tentacle away from the Eva.
The charging Evangelions were definitely not having as much luck. The two tentacles that met them simply tripped 07 and 09. Unit-05 pulled out the Predator claws and hacked at one of the tentacles, only to have it bend around the attack. A few thin cuts opened up in the side, but that was the extent of John's effectiveness. A tentacle tripped him as well, and the three struggled to roll away.
The other Evangelions charged into the melee.
Unit-03 dodged the tentacle mess and slammed into the Angel like a linebacker, forcing it back several dozen meters. Unit-01 caught several tentacles and wrenched them to the ground. The other three each got a tentacle in each hand and pulled the Angel towards them. Unit-03 dug in its feet, holding the Angel still.
Several of the tentacles under 01 broke free and sped towards 07 and 09. Unit-05 deployed the Predator claws from the other wrist and sliced the passing appendages to ribbons with a single swipe. The strips of black Angel material flew through the air in a ballistic trajectory, piling against the southern hill of the narrow valley like a thousand kilograms of metal cables.
Unit-05 blinked, then severed the tentacle in its right hand. Unit-01 let go and grabbed a nearby nagita, spinning the weapon defensively as soon as its hands grasped the haft.
Once upon a time, the three Arrivals-or Goons-were talking to Ritsuko and brought before her a blender of ridiculous capability. They demonstrated the power of said blender by pureeing a brick. They thought it was cool. The good doctor was annoyed. The Evangelions' attack on the whirlwind of black tentacles with any bladed weapon they could get their armored hands on was of similar violence, speed, and pointless messiness.
After only a few seconds of this mayhem, the Angel abruptly withdrew its tentacles, leaving the Evas to stumble to a halt and quickly move into another chevron formation with Unit-05 at the lead.
The mass of armor and black sludge that made up the Angel remained motionless. Despite its lack of apparent interest in the Evangelions, the pilots could not shake the feeling that they were being weighed and measured by a malevolent intelligence.
John held his ground.
"Now?" Kensuke asked, the tension palpable in his voice.
"Hold tight," John replied. "Everyone hold tight."
Misato's voice spoke up over the comm. "Genoni. Why aren't you attacking?"
"It's doing something."
"I noticed. Our job is to stop it from doing something."
"I am." John held fast as the Angel continued to hold its position.
"Genoni… attack."
"It's waiting... for..." John's guess would forever remain unheard, as the Angel advanced on them without warning.
A small cluster of tentacles shot from its main body, and the Evas braced and defended, their weapons bounced off of the attacking appendages with ringing reports like sword blade against sword blade.
One of the tentacles wrapped around Unit-05's left leg. Within the cockpit, John's face screwed up in a scowl. "Clever girl..."
In an expression of force as epic as it was comical, the Angel yanked Unit-05 through the air and slammed it into the nearest cliff.
Shinji abandoned subtlety and grabbed a pair of tentacles with Unit-01's hands, screaming wordlessly into the comm. Taking his next cue from the Angel, he pulled on the tentacles, pulling the beast off balance. Instead of smacking the opposite cliff at top speed, Unit-05's head dug into the valley floor and acted like a giant anchor. With her own battle cry, Asuka descended from above with the bladed polearm in hand. The blade smashed the tentacles into the ground, partially severing them and allowing Unit-05 to a shot at freedom.
"Pull back!" John shouted.
"Can't!" Toji grunted.
John looked up, seeing all five Evangelions hacking at, blocking, or dodging the nest of tentacles. "PULL BACK!" He leapt to his feet and tore through the fray, claws flashing. In a matter of seconds, he helped all five of the other Evas get out of the apparent range of the Angel's primary weapons. Shakily, the group halted, weapons at the ready.
"Form a conga line." John ordered.
"What?" Asuka asked.
"Get in a single file line! There's not enough room here to attack us from all sides effectively. We're going into a line formation and we're charging straight in. It's the only chance we've got to beat this thing."
The Evangelions quickly moved into position, Unit-05 at the head of their formation. As soon as they were loosely in place, he dashed forward with his claws in a guard position. "CHARGE!"
Andy applauded. Difficult, when one hand was holding a large claymore sword, but he applauded nonetheless. "That was the COOLEST speech I've ever heard! Have you been practicing that for long?"
"Weeks." Admitted the Jared behind Andy.
The next nearest Jared frowned. "Uh, dude? Fight?"
The many Jareds immediately dog-piled on Andy. Several caught the wildly swinging sword in painful places, but in seconds only a massive pile of perverted goon remained in the street.
"It's over," Said one. Ninety-nine more echoed him.
At the bottom of the pile, Andy's rising scream was greatly muffled. Then he was heard clearly as the Jareds were lifted clear of the ground and sent flying. Andy finished screaming, slowly lowered his arms from his power pose, and settled a murderous gaze on the nearest Jared.
The goon accepted the wordless challenge, and charged Andy with a shout. The pair exchanged a few blows at top speed, hands moving far faster than the eye could follow, until the Jared tied up Andy's guard and landed a solid hit to the massive goon's chest. Andy stumbled back, eyes wide, and swung a wild haymaker at Jared. The Pervert ducked, then jumped away from the follow-up kick.
Andy snarled like a wild animal. "Next!"
A Jared lunged at him from behind, running the goon through with his own sword. Andy grabbed the blade and kicked at the Jared, missing completely as the smaller goon jumped back. The Maniac spent a few seconds working the sword out of his body and brandished the bloody blade with an insane grin. Two Jareds came at him, attacking in perfect synchronization and landing a dozen blows as Andy frantically defended. After a few seconds, he gave up on defense and beheaded one of the Jareds. The other landed a powerful kick on Andy's chest, which was mostly ignored. Andy grabbed the foot and ran the sword through one of the Jareds' eye sockets.
Andy dropped the body to the ground, and set his guard again. "Next!"
Several of the many goons exchanged frowns, but they approached in sets of four or five, laying blow after blow upon the large goon to no visible effect.
After several minutes of brutal carnage, a lone Jared stood watching Andy with a calm, almost serene expression. This Jared strode forward quickly, stepping over the red concrete and asphalt-Andy's eyes spent a moment sweeping the area to verify that the bodies had disappeared… somehow-and came to a stop just outside of Andy's range.
"Pretty good, dude. You were almost fighting there for a moment."
"Feh."
"Ever hear of a technique called 'rope-a-dope'?"
Andy nodded as he answered. "As much as you can hide it, you've exhausted yourself too."
Jared slowly pulled a perfectly clean pair of sunglasses out of his pocket and put them on. He slicked his hair back, and looked completely rested.
Andy exploded off the ground, flying for the clouds like a missile, aura blazing. Jared remained on the ground for a moment, then a red aura flared around him and he too took off like a rifle bullet. He approached without slowing, and landed a flying kick in Andy's guard.
The aura around Jared intensified, then with a shout he disappeared. "Kaioken!"
Andy immediately kicked at thin air, his boot impacting on Jared's chin half-way through the move. "Hah! That'll stop your stupid Kaioken!" Andy threw his fists back and his spirit exploded around him into red fire. "KAIOKEN!"
Andy's face fell when Jared used the same kick to stop him.
Unit-05 threw aside the smoking pistol. Within, its pilot cursed. "Damn it! It just re-grows the limbs I'm shooting off! And where the fuck are Andy and Jared? It's way past time to be fashionably late. Pretty soon they'll be Goku late!"
"Well…" There was something in Misato's tone. "Andy is murdering Jared over and over again, but he's not dead."
"...Say that again?"
"Andy is murdering Jared over and over again, but he's not dead."
"...That is someone's definition of hell."
"Probably."
"I don't… I can't. Not now. Can we spare anyone to knock some sense into them?"
"No," Ritsuko said over the comm.
John snarled, pausing the conversation to deflect a few tentacles, then cover Kensuke's back. "Can't they just have their fight out here? Someone patch them through before they try to blow up the world."
"We've been trying!" Misato snapped. "And they're not going to try and blow up the world."
Ritsuko spoke up again. "She's right, Genoni. That's silly. You're silly."
Andy's aura was a blazing corona of hate as he hovered a hundred meters above Jared. "THIS PLANET IS HISTORY!"
Jared dropped a dozen meters to land on the ground, and set himself in a low stance. His very skin began to glow with energy.
Andy's aura peaked. "GALLAT GUN FIRE!"
A ball of ki the size of a mini-mall descended from the heavens. Inevitable as a tidal wave approaching a sleepy coastal village.
Jared grinned darkly at the challenge, ki gathering in his hands as he moved slowly and deliberately to intercept. "KAMEHAME…" The light solidified within his hands, vibrating with contained power. A sound like a chainsaw under a pillow echoes over the empty streets as shiny armageddon approached. "-HAAAAAAAAA!"
The two attacks stopped against one another with the subtlety of exploding skyscrapers… and held steady.
Andy growled. "KAIOKEN TIMES TWO!" A pulse of red energy infused his attack with more power.
Jared's immediate reply rang out over the violent crackle of the ki battle. "KAIOKEN TIMES THREE!"
The combined blasts remained stubbornly in place for three very long seconds, then slowly moved towards Andy.
Unit-05 rolled to one side, guarding with its claws, and bumped lightly against Unit-01. It did a double-take at the purple and yellow Eva.
"DAMN it, Shinji! What the FUCK are you doing here?! I said flank west!"
"I am flanking west!" Shinji shouted back, using a progressive katana to slice away a few tentacles.
"But the sun is…" Unit-05 glanced at the ground, then looked back down the valley towards Tokyo-3 where a light rivaling the sun in brightness hovers of the concrete jungle. "Those BASTARDS are having a BEAM BATTLE while I'm-" Too furious for his mouth to work properly, John charged at the Angel with such violence that even the other Evangelions gave pause to following him for fear of getting too close to the tornado of violence. "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!"
Asuka gulped and moved next to Unit-07. "Is he... is he okay?"
"He's got three arms down!" Toji shouted, kneeling for the sprint. "Shinji!"
Shinji nodded at Unit-02 and moved to keep the path towards the Angel open. "Go for it!"
Asuka dashed to guard Toji's other flank while Unit-07 and 03 charged towards the Thirteenth Angel in the wake of Unit-05. Unit-03 was slowed by a tight cluster of attacks, but Rei held her ground. Asuka found her opposition moving towards Rei and jumped over her Eva, bringing her bladed spear over 02's head in a deadly arc.
Unopposed by any defending tentacles, Unit-02's nagita came out of the sky like a missile, slamming into the Angel-transformed mechanical head of the Jet Alone MkII like a hammer coming down on an egg. "Take that, BITCH!"
In retaliation, an arc of electricity exploded out of the Angel, up the nagita, through Unit-02 and into the very sky, dissipating into the black clouds gathering above. The crack of thunder rattled the entire valley like the hammer of an angry god. The discharge blew Unit-02 several hundred meters into the air.
Misato's voice gave sound to the desperate thought in everyone's head. "ASUKA!"
Kensuke moved first. "Got her! Shinji, get in that opening!"
"But she's-"
"He's right!" John cut off the Third Children. "Get in there!"
Unit-03 spun away from a set of tentacles, stopping next to Unit-01. "I will back you up."
Unit-01 charged into the opening, Shinji grumbling under his breath until he leapt, following Asuka's attack trajectory. Several tentacles reached for him, then bounced off of a pattern of light surrounding the Eva.
"That's it, Ace." John smiled, then resumed hacking at the Angel.
Andy's ki boiled the clouds from the sky.
Multicolored streamers of light bled from his aura into the atmosphere, some twisting about, some sliding side to side like snakes, other snapping and reforming over and over again. Andy's face contorted under the pressure of fighting a single defensive move made by washed-up has-been barely out of the hospital.
"Hey!" Andy shouted at the narrator.
Oh, don't mind me. Go back to beating up on the mentally deficient.
"That's pretty fucked up, coming from you."
You do know you're only going to win this one if you keep at it until you're hamburger, right?
"Like he's any real challenge!"
Suit yourself.
While Andy was distracted, Jared completed his counter, and screamed out the move's improvised name, just to sound clever.
"VORTEX APOCALYPSE!"
The meeting energy blasts twist above one another for a few seconds before exploding. Jared apparently got into hiding in time. Andy…
"BOOM! Wheee!"
Several minutes later, Jared poked his head out of a pile of soft, but now smouldering, futons.
A few blocks away, by 'miraculous' coincidence, Andy crawled out of a pile of unconscious Yakuza. He quickly appropriated a black trench coat, black suit, and some shades. Locking onto Jared's unique energy signature, Andy took to the air and flew directly towards him at top speed. The mach cone formed in his wake picked up cars and debris, flinging them about like marbles thrown down a rain gutter.
Then Andy's chin made contact with the remains of a tennis shoe that had a foot in it with a leg still attached. After crashing into a building head-first at several hundred kilometers per hour, Andy missed the sight of Jared landing easily on his feet from the sudden attack and facing Andy's landing place.
The larger Goon burst out of the far side of the building with a full triple somersault and landed on the ground a half-dozen meters in front of Jared amidst a shower of concrete and steel.
Bits of concrete stuck to his face, "That was pretty cool."
"Agreed. Ready to lose?"
"NEVER!" Andy just missed with a powerful spinning kick, then took a return kick in the gut. Growling, he swiped at the Jared, and again missed. This time Jared's counter started down at his knees and ended with a fist on Andy's chin. The blow hit with so much force that the large goon flew half a meter straight up. Jared grabbed him about the waist. Arcs of electricity exploded out of Jared's hands, coursing through Andy and handily illuminating his skeleton dancing the 100,000-Volt jig.
Then the Pervert dropped the smoking goon and backed away.
Andy belched out a cloud of smoke. Half of his stolen sunglasses fell away. Maybe the other half was burned onto his face? "That too, was pretty cool."
Jared started screaming obscenities while pointing at Andy.
"You just don't shut up," Andy sighed.
Jared started sounding almost coherent. "You look like Vegeta now! When will my time come? And who will I come as?!"
Andy shrugged, then launched a fast, flaring-aura string of attacks. Jared matched them closely, though a few hits got through. Snarling, he quickly reversed the flow of flying fists, clashing elbows, crunching knees, and smashing feet. Pressed back to the remains of the building just decimated, Andy sprang off the wall with an aerial sidekick, aiming to cut Jared in half. With a smirk, Jared stepped to one side of the kick and clotheslined Andy right out of the air.
Laying on the ground. "You goddamn cheat!"
Little flames leapt to life in Jared's eyes. "Sore loser!"
They clashed again, coming away even after a dozen seconds.
"You're learning," Jared narrowed his eyes.
"You're dead meat." Andy socked Jared in the stomach. Jared clocked Andy on the chin. The larger goon turned his fall into a spin and executed a leg-sweep that quickly turned into a double-kick. Jared dodged with a back handspring, then folded in half around Andy's foot.
Knocked a dozen meters away, Jared got to his feet and made little pistol shapes with his hands. Tiny ki 'bullets' flew forth, aiming for Andy. The big goon stood his ground, bending at the waist to dodge the 'shots,' leaving after-images.
Jared stopped shooting. Then Andy raised one 'gun' hand and fired at Jared. Jared leaned back at the knees, dodging the string of 'bullets' fired by Andy while the camera rotated around him in Bullet Time(tm). Then Jared jumped back to his feet, one 'pistol' at the ready. The two charged at each other, firing and dodging before they jumped into the air and Bullet Time(tm)d the rest of the 'gun' fight, landing on the ground with index fingers pointed at each other's heads.
"THAT ROCKED!"
"THAT WAS AWESOME!"
Both immediately jumped to their feet and dashed to and fro, firing hundreds and hundreds of ki 'bullets.' Eventually Jared crouched behind a pile of concrete; in seconds it was shot down to match his profile so that any movement left him exposed. Andy found cover as well, and it was likewise shot out in the shape of the Playboy bunny, infuriating the goon who held a yoga pose behind it to avoid being clipped by ki 'bullets.'
"Fucker!" Andy finally shouted.
Jared adjusted his camera. "Hold on a second..."
Andy teleported next to Jared, slapped his 'gun' hand aside and head-butted him.
Jared narrowed his eyes. "Was that supposed to hurt?"
Andy kneed Jared in the stomach, dropped a doubled-up fist on the back of his neck, and kicked him soccer-ball style into a parked bus. The bus bent into a ninety degree angle at the point of impact, the sound of violently deforming metal like a gunshot in the empty city.
Jared stumbled out of the wreckage. "What... wuzzat supposed to... wha..."
Andy frowned, then landed a flying kick on the goon, this time sending both him and the bus sliding nearly a block down the road. Then he started walking toward it, slowly.
Someone inside of the tangled wreck screamed, and in flare of red light the bus blew into pieces and Jared charged Andy with murder in his eyes. Andy met the attack with a red aura of his own.
John dodged a wild swing from the Angel, then helped Shinji block a set of attacks from tentacles with razor-sharp points. Both Evas were bleeding slowly from several holes made by the tentacles before they got smart. Kensuke, out of his Eva and barely alive, sat on the torn-up landscape with Asuka, who was only alive thanks to the CPR Kensuke learned how to do last week. The armor of Unit-07 was peeled off in several places, relegating Toji to backup. While Unit-03 had proven insanely tough, the strain of piloting the highly modified Eva was slowing Rei considerably. Shinji and John were still able to fight, but were slowing as well.
"We're all going to die, aren't we?" Shinji said loudly into the party line.
John nodded to himself. "I should have blasted it before Asuka got shocked. If I fire a ki blast, her and Kensuke are gonners."
"Then what now?" Shinji asked.
The Angel unleashed another burst of electricity from its tentacles. John raised Unit-05's arms and the electricity drew into points of blue light in its hands. After the burst dissipated, John sighed. "Get back."
Dark clouds stamped out the sun over Tokyo-3 while Jared and Andy danced a lethal dance. They ignored the threatening storm, ignored mounting injuries, and ignored increasingly damaged clothing. Eventually they ignored the laws of physics, taking their battle to the air where one of them lost an exchange of blows and crashed into the sidewalk.
A thin streak of lightning dashed across the tumultuous sky.
On the ground, Andy flipped to his feet and ripped off the bits of fabric that used to be a shirt. He locked eyes with the floating Jared, then leapt to attack. Jared met the charge. A flash of lightning illuminated their clash, and they sailed past one another, each landing on the remains of random buildings.
Each slowly turned to face the other.
Jared sported a nasty gash across one cheek.
Andy saw the addition, but did not so much as smirk. He silently watched the other until they moved as if dancing to the same beat and clashed again, high above the ground with the full lightning show.
When they slowly turned to face one another, Andy had a small cut on his chest. The dramatic lighting from the brewing storm shadowed their eyes, though their stances radiate malice.
...Fist of the North Star? Anyone?!
Lightning flashed again, and in a flurry of energy, the pair transformed. Jared was shirtless-a little odd since his 'girijin' transformation actually changed all of his clothes, and that sword…
Super Chibijin Andy Tokyo-shuffled half a meter off the ground, trying to look as dramatic as the shirtless, sword-carrying bishonen facing him. Other than the flurry of little Andy's legs, the two remained motionless. Their minds raced, calculating hundreds of possible attacks, formulating dozens of strategies, getting pawed by a mob of screaming school girls that came from out of nowhere, swarming the ultra-kawaii form of Andy and the ultra-bishonen Jared.
Andy went the cutely indignant route. "Let go of me! I have an evil pervert to kill and a world to rule with an iron fist! A tiny fist, perhaps, but one still forged of iron!"
Jared remained somewhat calm. "Lady, please do not touch me there. Fair maiden, don't touch that. Please, allow us space. It is dangerous for you all to be here, that it is! There is a fight in progress!"
Even the bravest warriors know when to cut and run. Jared and Andy were usually dumb enough to overstay their welcome and try to take over the world anyway, but this time they took the hint and made for the hills. Super Chibijin Andy used a high-speed Tokyo-shuffle exit. Super Girijin Jared achieved high speeds by executing a flawless samurai dash.
So... Japanese schoolgirls have been clocked at just over a hundred kilometers per hour in the wild.
"Faster, my honored, kawaii opponent, or they will surely overtake us, that they will!"
"De-transform, you idiot!"
"Good idea." Super Girijin Jared became regular old Jared, who promptly grinned in a disturbing fashion and grabbed Super Chibjin Andy by the collar.
"Unhand me, you monster!"
As the schoolgirl tsunami bore down upon them, Jared eyed the glowing Super Chibijin. "You'll do."
Super Chibijin Andy drew a breath to cutely protest, and Jared spun around and held the tiny figure before him like a shield, shouting. "Say hello to my little friend!"
Two dozen seconds later and three blocks away, Jared hit pavement face-first, bounced a few times, then skidded to a halt on his teeth.
A moment later, Andy came to a halt right next to him, his legs sticking into the air like a deceased spider.
"Let's never do that again." Jared mumbled into the pavement.
"Agreed, Waddell. Agreed." Andy croaked out.
Jared was on his feet in the blink of an eye, smoothing his perfect hair, flashing a brilliant white smile, and looking one hundred percent recovered. "Ready?"
Andy also jumped to his feet, adjusted an imaginary tie as if he were not shirtless, and hurled a chunk of concrete at Jared. Jared deflected the projectile, then took off at a sprint. Andy gave chase. In another second, they were airborne and exchanging blows for a few dozen attacks. Then they landed.
Jared wiped at his bleeding nose.
Andy launched another attack. Deflected, he left an opening in his guard a ninja gnat would have problems finding. Jared drove a fist through said opening and snapped two ribs like he did this kind of thing before breakfast every day.
Both roared incoherently, and charged again. Andy got Jared into a complicated hold that dislocated his shoulder; Jared broke Andy's nose and threw the goon into a building.
Lightning seared the sky.
Rain began to fall.
"WADDELL!"
Jared blocked the clumsy overhead blow casually, with his damaged arm. The tibia and ulna both gave way in a single sharp crack. He sidestepped the follow-up attack, but one of Andy's massive hands found the back of his head and jerked it towards a knee that had once cleaved a car in two.
The smaller goon drove two fingers into the gash on Andy's chest and wrenched, sending blood spraying across them both. The hand opened. Jared punched Andy squarely in the groin. Andy's hand came around and belted Jared in the mouth, sending a few teeth and not a small amount of blood flying.
The two glared, snarled.
Jared threw a couple of kicks at Andy, the larger goon smoothly evading the blows. The pervert then grabbed a steel sink from the debris around them, cornered Andy, and slammed it into the side of the Maniac's head.
John had a clear shot at the Angel. "Vikki! Forty-four Alpha!"
In the other active Evangelions, exterior sensors go dead. The cameras surrounding the valley cut out. Satellites stop broadcasting. Internal recording systems pick up only static. A dust storm surrounded the Evas and the Angel before anyone so much as gasped in surprise.
John calmly removed his glasses.
And opened his eyes.
Seconds later, sensors came back online. Electronic equipment went right back to working normally. No-one stopped panicking right away, but as the dust cloud around Earth's saviors and doom swiftly dissipated, only the Evangelions remained standing. Someone back in Central Dogma finally found their voice. "B-blue pattern clear! Blue pattern clear!"
"Stand down from alert status," Misato said, relief and disbelief in her voice. "Get the emergency units down there. Pilots, hold your positions."
"Yeah," Kensuke replied, "We'll just... wait right here."
Somewhere, a clown cried.
Andy stumbled back from the sink strike, grabbed a bit of pipe sticking out of the wreckage. The abused metal gave way and Andy crashed to the ground with a length of the pipe in his hand. Jared was on his feet, shaking but clearly more steady than the larger goon. Andy got to his knees and tried to smash in Jared's face.
The goon caught the pipe with one hand, and leaned closer to Andy, whispering in his ear. As he spoke, Andy's eyes widened, and strength filled his limbs. Fire burned in his soul. He ripped the pipe free of Jared's hands, ignoring the goon's cheshire smile, and swung at that face.
Jared ducked, then kicked at Andy. The Maniac deflected the kick and caught Jared's head with the backswing.
The Pervert finally went down. For a moment, Andy considered his body and a chunk of concrete within easy reach.
He looked at the pipe in his hand, shrugged, and started swinging, punctuating each wet impact with a shout.
"DIE! DIE! DIE! D-"
The pipe stopped moving, nearly wrenched from Andy's grip.
Jared's bloodied face was inches away, blue eyes hard. "That's enough of that."
Andy gave the pervert a head-butt, knocking him back onto the ground. For a moment he stood there as the rain grew stronger, panting and waiting for any hint of movement other than breathing. After a full minute, his shoulders slumped.
Jared didn't rise.
Andy swayed on his feet, lips moving almost of their own will. "I am... the strongest of... all Saiyajins."
Three hours and twenty-eight minutes after the mysterious, temporary, and wide-spread sensor failure around Japan, the pilots assembled at the intersection of shattered buildings and demolished roads. Misato and Ritsuko had joined the group, both dressed in portable containment suits but with their hoods removed for the moment. The pilots still wore plug suits and looked ready to drop and sleep for the next twenty years.
Laying haphazardly in the wreckage were Jared and Andy, both sitting up but looking like the survivors of a full-scale war.
Asuka leaned on Shinji heavily, glaring at the pair. "Was there any point to that?"
Jared stopped counting his missing teeth with a bloody forefinger to answer. "There was."
The group politely waited for further explanation, but patience wore out after a handful of seconds.
"AND? What was the fucking point?!" Kensuke shouted.
Jared shot Andy a look.
Andy waved off the look with one hand and stared at Ritsuko. "We done here?"
"I think…" Ritsuko glanced at the Evangelion pilots who had actually been useful in the last Angel engagement. "That they deserve an answer. Of course, NERV's Tactical Commander-"
"For fuck's sake!" Misato screamed. She started rattling off charges on one hand. "Disobeying orders!"
Jared shot to his feet. "We were coming to help!"
"Endangering the public!" Misato continued.
"Self defense!" Jared put more heat into his exclamation.
Misato reflected the glare right back at the goon, somehow looking taller than the 183cm American. "It IS if they don't pose a threat to you, assassin!"
Jared glanced at Andy.
Mucha grunted. "They attacked us."
"Reckless destruction of property!" Misato continued.
"That part of the city was going to get blown up anyway!" Jared countered.
"Wait, was that a threat?" Kensuke idly wondered, almost tearing his eyes away from the Major's heaving bosom.
"That's your excuse? It was going to get blown up anyway? Well, I'm sorry... I don't have a magical crystal ball that lets me see what's going to happen like you three claim to!"
The goons glanced at each other, saying nothing but giving the impression of a rapid, lengthy telepathic exchange.
"See, this is exactly a situation that I didn't want to be in." John said it as much to his fellow Arrivals as to the Major. He looked at Misato. "I remember telling you as much."
Shinji disentangled his arm from Asuka and crouched next to the sitting goons. "Why?"
Jared met the younger pilot's honest, questioning gaze. "I couldn't let them take the city."
"Who?"
The pervert put a fatherly hand on Shinji's shoulder. "Not your fight, Ace. You have bigger fish to fry, you know? We all have our roles."
"Like being complete morons?" John asked rhetorically.
Andy scoffed. "You always say we're not responsible-"
Temporarily lacking his lead pipe, John backhanded Andy. The exhausted goon rocked back and forth, but didn't go down as expected. John's eyes narrowed, then Jared reached over and without looking, tapped a pressure point on Andy that put the goon back to sleep.
"We done here? No offense," Jared glanced at the pilots. "But you guys all smell like blood." He lay back, laced his fingers behind his head, and gazed at the clouds with eyes full of worry.
Misato's mouth opened and closed several times, and her hands tried to reach for a sidearm she didn't currently have. Finally, she calmed herself, and gave Ritsuko a look.
The doctor frowned and waved the other emergency response folk forwards.
Misato addressed the other pilots with a glare and a quick order. "Back to base, everybody. Debrief is in one hour."
The next morning, Rei walked into Jared's hospital room. The goon was laid up in a full body cast. No bones were broken, but the nurses took offense to his 'miraculous' recovery and the groping that went along with it. The time being nowhere near the noon hour, the goon was asleep, mumbling and twitching under layers of plaster.
"How dare you turn against me, you son of a biscuit! Ahh! Muffins! Muffins everywhere!" His eyes shot open. "Damn it..." He sighed and tried to get comfortable before freezing up. Without moving his head, his eyes swept the generic white room, seeing nothing. "Hello? Identify yourself or die."
"You haven't changed much," Rei said.
The tension left Jared's face. "Rei. S'up?"
"Your evangelion is uncomfortable to use."
"You were in my Eva for the battle?"
"Hai."
"Ah."
Rei was quiet for a moment.
"Why?" Jared finally asked.
"Orders. Well now I know you."
Rei dipped her fingers into a glass of water near the bed, and with a flick of her wrist, deposited several tiny drops on Jared's exposed forehead.
Then she left.
Jared lay still in confusion for a moment, puzzled at both Rei's words and throwing water on his forehead. After a few seconds, the meaning of her words became clear, and the goon smiled. Then the water began to tickle, and he realized he was incapable of wiping it off.
The screaming stopped several hours later, when Jared's vocal cords gave out.
Kilometers away, John stopped at the cage containing Unit-03, where Ritsuko was checking on something with the work crews. She greeted the goon with a sigh. "What now, Genoni?"
John held up his wrist. "Tech thing no worky-worky."
She held out a hand, still looking at a report in the other hand. John removed the Mini-MAGI and placed it in her open palm.
Ritsuko handed the paper back to the waiting worker. "Looks good. Continue with the removal, I don't think we'll be able to salvage it." She shifted her attention to her own Mini-MAGI for a moment. "Genoni, this thing has been off-line since the fight."
"Yeah, I wondered if I banged it wrong-"
"Since the end of the Angel fight." She gave him a flat stare.
John shrugged. "Dead battery. Cool. Can it be-"
"I'll arrange for a new one when I have a few days."
"Oh...kay." He stood there for a moment, attention slowly drawn to the crews swarming about the damaged Eva.
"Dismissed, pilot."
"So, what's-"
"Dismissed. Pilot."
John faced Ritsuko for a moment, the lights in the cage putting a rather solid layer of glare on his glasses. "Yeah, I could use a break. No rush on that Mini-MAGI."
"Go."
"Going."
A week passed. Many things were fixed, others were rebuilt, almost all of them subtlety altered in the process. Overtime hours were worked, and life returned to a tense version of normal, with certain parties not on speaking terms with certain other parties.
The goons were back to one of their meetings. They had taken turns explaining what the others had missed out on, and had a few minutes to ruminate before switching to the planning phase. They had started before dawn, and the sun was setting, casting long shadows through the living room.
"I'm appalled. There I was, fighting for my life and freedom out there, single-handedly killing alien invaders bent on our total destruction, and you two were having a jolly old roll in the hay!" John finished summarizing.
Jared sipped his Dew. "I think you're mixing metaphors… or insulting us more than necessary… again."
"Hang your feelings!" John shouted.
Jared smiled. "Ask who won."
"That's hardly relevant. Things are so far off track, I don't know where to begin." John stopped pacing to sip his Dew as well.
Andy smiled. "Just ask."
"No! We need to at least figure out where this story is headed. If we can't, it's curtains for sure! That Jet Alone was programmed with some insanely skilled combat AI, and the Angel took it over like it was second nature. If the mass production units have that kind of capacity for fighting unarmed, we're dead meat. That means, at the very least, some serious training."
"Ask, dude."
"Never! Now, I wonder what the chances are of SEELE programming the mass production-"
Andy jumped to his feet. "I won!"
"I DON'T CARE!" John thundered. "Mucha, they day I-"
"Hi. The door was unlocked."
Six eyes swiveled to take in the Eva pilot, and do a double-take. Shinji, or at least someone with Shinji's voice and general build, stood in the entrance dressed like a hockey goalie.
John spoke first, while Andy and Jared exchanged wads of yen. "What's with the protection, Ace?"
"Well, I've been getting head in here when I come-" He trailed off suddenly and coughed into the glove.
Andy slammed his hands over his ears and began humming loudly.
"Excuse me?" John asked.
Jared grinned like an idiot and made himself comfortable, mug of Dew in hand. "No, let him continue."
Shinji sighed. "Let me try that again. I've been getting hit in the head when I come near here lately, so the protection is to keep me safe from you three."
The goons were silent, unmoving.
"Because... I need to ask you guys a few questions about… well, everything."
"Forty-two?" Jared ventured.
"Forty-DAMN YOUR SPEEDY LIPS, WADDELL!"
Jared's grin shifted to evil. "You should see their super ultrasonic orgasm powers."
"Guys." John warned them off, then turned to Shinji. "Come in Ace, I might as well explain this to you too."
"Really? You will?"
"Why not? Most of it involves you."
Shinji shuffled into the room. "Fine, but the safety gear stays on."
Kaji put out his cigarette on the lower step and checked his watch. He sat leisurely on the concrete porch of a shell that used to be a house, glancing at the woods that shielded the structure from the main road. Right on time, he spotted a large black car with no plates through the thicket of young trees. The beast of a machine moved silently and with sinister purpose, braking to an utterly silent stop before Kaji as the man stood and dusted off his slacks.
A darkened window rolled down a fistful of centimeters as he approached.
"The chip's been contaminated by the JA-47 component... I've got proof of interference with Evangelion Unit-08's construction materials too."
The voice from inside the car was rough and sturdy, like a weathered oak. "Your report recommends we leave the item where it is."
"It's serving a purpose. It's not perfect, but how could we expect it to be?"
"Do you think the component can succeed?"
Kaji looked at the colors painted upon the clouds by the setting sun. "The targets... have heart."
The voice was quiet for a minute. "Agent X-453, thank you for your work. You'll be happy to hear the dissenting faction has been silenced."
"Silenced?"
"Silenced." The window rolled up.
The car pulled away.
Kaji remained standing. "That does make me happy." He lit another cigarette, in no hurry. "That makes me very happy."
Jared sat on a sparkling new air conditioning unit on the roof of the apartment building he shared with a few hundred faceless citizens, a couple of teenaged weapon pilots, two idiots, and one smoking hot commanding officer. He sipped some Dew slowly, watching the sun rise majestically over a destroyed city in the east.
Andy sat down next to him, mug of Dew in hand. His eyes were all but sewn shut with sleep. His voice soft yet gravelly. "Training's going good."
"Yep." Jared sipped.
"Quiet too."
"It's morning," Jared replied, then the other brain cell woke up. "Yeah, since you killed all those cicadas…"
Andy sipped. "And John's brain is barely holding together. And NERV is broke. Damn, I hate being the Responsible-"
Jared gasped. "That means this is all your fault!"
Andy squinted at the goon. "What?"
Jared was on his feet, pointing accusing at Andy. "The cicadas!"
Deadpan, "The cicadas."
"They're a vital part of the anime ecosystem. Dude, you can't just go flapping your butterfly wings in Peking, you'll ruin the turkey!"
Andy looked back to his mug of Dew. "I'm not even going to pretend that made sense."
The End! Of this book!
