A/N: A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!
xXxXxXx
"I know what I have to do," Kylo said.
"But?" Burman prompted, having heard the hesitation in Kylo's voice.
Kylo stared at young Burman. "It's not going to be easy," he answered. "And I'm not sure if I'm capable of this. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do this."
There was an obvious hesitation before Burman spoke up again. "Sir, if I may be so bold, I would like to request you try. We, no, you have already come this far."
That made Kylo want to laugh in a far from sane manner, but he kept himself in check. Even though Burman did not know what he was talking about, he had managed to hit the nail right on the head. Because he had come far, hadn't he? Who he was now barely resembled the person he had been as little as a year ago. But could he do what was required of him?
The memory restarted yet again and Kylo made his decision right there and then.
"Remember what I told you. Whatever happens, let it happen."
He reached for young Burman's temple and fell into the boy's thoughts.
"-idiot. I'm such an idiot. Why did I do that? I should not have done that. I know better. I really do. Stupid. Stupid."
"You're not stupid," Kylo interjected.
Young Burman didn't seem to be aware of his presence.
"I'm not good enough. I have to be better."
"You're doing all you can."
"I have to do better. It's my own fault."
"It's not your fault."
"Why did I not use my common sense? I'm an idiot."
"You're not an idiot. Pay attention to me!" Kylo snapped, not used to being ignored.
There was a slight stutter in the boy's thoughts.
"I'm an idiot," it still continued, although less certain. "I will do better. I will." It started sounding surer again. "I should just control myself better."
"Look at me!" Kylo shouted.
It was an inane thing to shout when he could only hear the boy's thoughts, so it was quite a shock when, in a flash, he was looking at young Burman again. Adult Burman's presence, however, was gone from his perception. The room around them was blurred, only young Burman and the table he was sitting at, as well as the chair he was sitting on, in focus.
Echoes reverberated around the room, forcing Kylo to cover his ears and fall to one knee.
"Insufficient."
"You're not good enough."
"I'm not good enough."
"Foolish, silly boy."
"I had hope for you. I was wrong."
"You'll never be strong."
"Stupid."
"I'm an idiot."
"Lacking."
"Need to do better."
"You'll never rise from the muck."
"Is this all you can give?"
"Pathetic."
"Worthless."
"Not good enough."
"Never good enough."
Kylo gasped, trying to suck air into his lungs but failing in his attempts. No matter how he pressed his hands to his ears, the voices wouldn't stop, wouldn't be drowned out. His chest felt too constricted, his head as if it was going to explode.
"You can't help me." Young Burman's voice cut clear through the echoes, prompting Kylo to open his eyes and look up at him. "You believe them as well."
"I have to," Kylo answered.
He tried to get up but was crushed back to his knees. With a pained cry, he almost toppled over, a hastily placed hand on the floor the only thing keeping him steady. He felt powerless. Hopeless. Inadequate.
"See," young Burman said. "Indeed, you have to believe them, for how else will you survive?"
"No," Kylo panted. "No. Not believe them. Help you."
"Help me?" young Burman echoed. "I already told you you can't."
"I have to find a way," Kylo answered.
He looked up to find young Burman studying him with his head tilted to the side. There was something not quite right with this version of young Burman, he realised. Although he looked the same, there was a vastness in his eyes that belonged on no man's face, nor alien's for that matter. With a shock, Kylo realised he was looking at a visualisation of the Force, of Burman's connection to the Force.
"I've done so before and I will again," he said, more firmly now. "I will not fail you."
"No, but you will fail yourself."
It felt like a punch to his stomach and Kylo reeled.
"It is not me you have to save," young Burman added.
The echoes and the voices around them changed. Kylo recognised Luke's voice, and Snoke's, along with a few others, among which Hux and his parents.
"I'm here to reconnect Burman of Ren to the Force," Kylo managed to ground out.
It hurt. Hearing all those words hurt. And he knew there was nothing he could do to make it stop, save giving up on Burman. He refused to do that.
"You're here to convince a boy of something you yourself do not believe in." Young Burman's voice faded away. "You can't help me."
The pressure on his shoulders became unbearable and Kylo slumped to the ground. There was wetness on his cheeks and he reached up to find himself crying. He stared at his wet fingertips for a moment until it felt like a dam broke. He screamed. He screamed into this non-existent room filled with his failures and disappointments and shame. He screamed until his voice was raw and painful.
When his voice broke and he couldn't scream anymore, Kylo felt numb. He blinked. His eyes were sore, dry and painfully swollen. All he could see were the table and the chair's legs, as well as young Burman's feet.
The voices were still echoing around him, but he realised they sounded different. Even though their volume had never changed, they sounded as if they were being shouted at him from a distance. One, however, stood out.
"You are weak," Snoke's voice said. "The Light makes you weak."
Kylo blinked. "I don't believe you," he whispered. "I don't believe you."
"The girl is a liability. She makes you weak."
At that, Kylo snorted. "Rey?" he answered the phantom voice. "It was for her that I killed you. How does that make me weak?"
There seemed to be a pause in the echoes and Kylo noticed that young Burman shifted in his seat. The voices picked up again but Kylo was barely aware of them. A memory came to the forefront of his mind.
"I'm the Supreme Leader," he mumbled. "And the Supreme Leader is whoever I want him to be." He blinked again, trying to dispel the dryness of his eyes. "I define who he is, who I am, not you," he added.
He still felt numb, almost paralysed, so he started flexing his fingers and wiggling his toes. It took a surprising amount of effort to get his body to move again. When he eventually tried to push himself up, he was relieved to find the pressure had lessened. He found young Burman leaning sideways on his chair, looking past his desk at him with a curious expression on his face.
Kylo looked up at him. "I will help you," he said.
"Hm."
He sat there, on his knees, panting with exertion. It made him feel silly, but he ignored it. There was a goal he needed to work towards and he refused to give up. He tried to sort his thoughts and calm his mind, but the constant noise of echoes was getting on his nerves.
"Would you shut up already?" he yelled into the room.
Young Burman threw his head back, laughing.
"They'll never go away, you know," he said.
"At least they could tone it down," Kylo grumbled in answer.
"That's entirely up to you."
Kylo frowned at him, not understanding. How could he determine the volume of the echoes? Right as he thought that, they started filling his ears again.
"Shut up," he mumbled, only for them to grow louder.
"Don't shut up?" he tried.
Young Burman was watching him, obviously waiting to see if he would figure it out.
As happened more often when he was stuck on something, Kylo wondered what Rey would tell him to do if she were there. He smiled thinking of her, then frowned knowing she would be worrying about him. As promised, he'd told her when he would attempt this. He could almost see her, nervously tinkering with a small droid without really knowing what she was doing, the hangar curiously silent behind her.
Silence.
Kylo blinked in sudden realisation. Although the voices had not fully disappeared, they were remarkably hushed. As he thought about them, however, they grew in volume again.
"Oh," he said.
"You surprise me," young Burman said.
"But what does it mean?" Kylo asked.
Young Burman didn't answer, nor react in any other way. Kylo wondered if he could meditate where he was. How many layers into the Force was he anyway? He needed to order his thoughts.
Shrugging, he shifted until he was in lotus position and closed his eyes.
"You're already meditating," young Burman said. "But then again, you are not."
"Not helpful," Kylo answered, causing young Burman to laugh again.
"No, I guess not."
Kylo indeed noticed that he didn't shift into meditation as he was used to. Still, with closing his eyes he became calmer and more collected. It didn't take him long to figure out that the voices became louder the more attention he paid them.
"Well, in that case, I'll just stop listening," he muttered.
"Stop listening to what?"
Kylo's eyes flew open as young Burman's voice changed into something more broken and infinitely sadder. In front of him was no longer a child with a too vast expression in his eyes, but the true, younger version of Burman. He was momentarily at a loss for what to do. Really, he had no idea how to behave around children.
"Stop listening to what, sir?" young Burman asked again.
"The voices in your head," Kylo answered.
"There are no voices in my head," young Burman stated with vehemence, even though it was tinged with fear.
"Yes, there are," Kylo answered, staying seated and trying his best to let his voice sound calm and reassuring. It was not something he was used to. "There are voices in your head telling you that you are not good enough. That you are stupid." Young Burman flinched. "They are lying."
Young Burman shook his head. "They are not," he answered. "They are right. I make mistake after mistake. I keep on-" He faltered. "I keep on giving them reasons to punish me. I need to do better and be more careful."
Kylo worried his lips. Even though he had just fought his own demons and concluded they were not worth listening to anymore, he was unsure about how to voice this concept to the boy in front of him.
"It is true that you have to try your best in life," he eventually said, thinking he sounded like an old man trying to be wise. He didn't know how else to voice his thoughts though, so he ventured on. "But it's you yourself who can determine what your life will look like."
"I'm in a Base meant to train me into a warrior," young Burman told him, bitterness in his voice. "What choice do I have?"
Kylo was stumped about what to answer to that. Young Burman was right. At that age, he had had no choice at all. He worried his lips and sighed.
"True," he admitted, feeling like a fool. "You can't change your situation, but you can determine how you think about it."
Young Burman gave him a decidedly confused look.
"You don't have to believe those voices," Kylo said. "Tell them you're not stupid, but that you're trying the best you can. Tell them that it's not your fault, but that you're human and that they should explain it better. That they should give you time to learn and to grow."
"But-" Young Burman faltered, frowning.
"You are allowed to make mistakes," Kylo said. "You are allowed to be yourself, without restraint."
"I am?"
"Yes, you are."
"I can just tell them to shut up?"
"They will never shut up," Kylo said, echoing that vastness that had inhabited this younger Burman earlier. "But they will grow unnoticeable when you don't pay them any attention." He thought for a little while. "I think telling them to shut up can help you turn away from them, though. Try it."
"Should I?"
"Yes, try it."
Young Burman closed his eyes and scrunched up his nose in concentration.
"Go away," he murmured. "I'm no longer listening to you." He opened his eyes and shook his head. "It's not working."
"Keep on trying," Kylo insisted. "Remember, they won't go away, but if you stop paying attention to them, they won't be so loud anymore."
After heaving a sigh, young Burman squeezed his eyes shut again. It took some time but, eventually, his face relaxed. When he opened his eyes again, a boom reverberated through the air and slammed Kylo's mind back into his own head.
All he knew was that his own past was the only thing standing between Burman and the Force.
