A/N: A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!
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In the week after Dot's reconnection, Kylo got sucked into several construction meetings. As the foundation work was finished, and the construction of the prefabricated elements had started, the building advanced quickly. Sadly enough, that also meant more decisions needed to be made. Kylo didn't really care about most of it, as long as priority was given to the training rooms and the Knights' quarters.
Still, he enjoyed going out and watching the ships deliver entire walls and carefully guide them into place. The communications team was starting to look harassed but, despite their obvious exhaustion at the 24/7 ship movement, everything continued to run smoothly. Kylo ordered Hux to pay extra attention to them to prevent them from overexerting themselves.
After facing his demons while reconnecting Burman, Kylo found it easier to tolerate Hux. It felt like, with letting go of everything that had happened in the past, he was finally able to see Hux for the person he was instead of the vision Kylo had had of him in his head.
Still, he asked Derek to find out how the other staff members saw Hux. The result was surprising, yet not so overly flattering that foul play could be expected. Eventually, he talked to Rey about it.
"They seem to really like him," he told her. "I mean, there were still some comments about him being uptight and a snob, but overall, they are happy to have him as the Base's leader."
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"Yes, of course. It's just that- I don't know how to think about him anymore."
Rey merely watched him and he sighed.
"I can admit that he's not the evil guy I've accused him of being for so long now," he admitted. "But to see him as someone who's loved and not feared by his subordinates?" He turned to throw a confused look at Rey. "Do you remember the Hux that addressed the entire First Order back at Starkiller Base?"
Rey raised an eyebrow. "Not really; I was busy escaping you."
"Oh," Kylo said. "Right."
They were silent for a while.
"Can you believe how long ago that was?" Rey finally said, almost wistful. "It's been a full year since Crait. So much has changed since then."
Kylo merely hummed in answer and silence again fell over both of them.
"Back to Hux," Rey piped up. "Why does it bother you so?"
"I don't like being confused."
Rey snorted, then full-on laughed. "That's it?"
Kylo glared at her. "I still don't know if I can trust him but, at the same time, I don't know why I should distrust him either. Don't laugh. How am I to deal with this?"
"I don't know, Ben," Rey hiccuped. "By trying to trust him? It looks like the others do. I mean, Ember is in a relationship with him."
Sighing, Kylo dragged a hand through his hair. "But what if it goes wrong?"
Rey shrugged. "You can't know that. You gave Rogue the benefit of the doubt. That could have gone terribly wrong as well."
"True." He thought for a moment. "Hux is still being watched. Maybe I should take that away? Give him the freedom of running this place without someone watching over his shoulder?"
"I think that's a great idea."
He sighed again. "I'll inform Phasma tomorrow."
Much to his surprise, Phasma didn't protest or comment when he told her of his decision. She merely nodded and told him Hux would be without a Guard after lunchtime.
When all the construction meetings died down again, Kylo decided it was time for Shadow to be reconnected as well. Of all the Knights, she was still having the most issues with staying focussed during meditation. He figured, however, that it might just be part of her restless nature and not a lack of skill. He was willing to take the risk.
That did not mean, however, that he was looking forward to it. After having seen memories of Ember, Burman and Dot, he was starting to dread seeing more of the same torture. He wondered how any of the staff at Base Z could stand themselves. Did they not have a conscience? He didn't allow any of this to show on his face, however, when he sat down with Shadow.
Her mind was, at the least, energetic. Kylo's first impression made him think of playful water sprites he had encountered in some planet's folklore. The impression only lasted a moment. Within seconds of being in her mind, he detected a violent undercurrent that would have any sprite cower in fear. He realised that the first impression was only an echo of what could be, or maybe of something that had been a long time ago.
When he finally started with the memories, he quickly realised he'd been right to dread going through the experience yet again. Where Dot had been arrogant and Burman willing to please everyone, Shadow was extroverted and wanting to make friends with everybody. The isolation she was often put in did horrors to her mind but, despite it, she kept maintaining friendships.
The pain she experienced when each and every one of those friends retreated from her, leaving her completely alone, cut Kylo to the bone. It made him wonder if, maybe, having no friends at all had been kind to him.
Through it all, however, her connection with the Force remained strong. It withered a little bit under the pain, but nothing like he'd seen with Burman. How she managed to prevent herself from using it in front of the teachers was beyond him. Kylo couldn't help but admire her for her restraint.
At one point, when he made a time jump to a connected memory, Shadow flinched violently.
"Can we skip that one?" she asked, sounding very small.
"I'm sorry," Kylo answered. "The fact that it's so painful gives me reason to believe it's the memory I'm going to need. The Force doesn't leave without a great deal of pain."
"You know, Supreme Leader, you're doing all this for us, but it can't be easy for you either, can it? I mean, you're seeing all this with us. I don't know what you saw in Burman's and Dot's minds. Can't have been pleasant. Are you not tired? This must be tiring. I heard you get a headache after. That can't be pleasant either. Are you-"
"Shadow of Ren," Kylo interrupted. "Stop your blabbering."
"I- Yes. Yes, sir."
"You have to choose: Either we continue despite how painful it is, or we halt and you won't be reconnected with the Force. We could try again at a later time, but we would simply bump into the same problem as we do now. What is your choice?"
A mass of snippets of memories and peaks of emotion flashed through her mind, a sure sign that she was thinking it through. The general undercurrent, however, was one of trepidation. Kylo waited for her to come to a decision.
"Continue," Shadow eventually said, barely above a whisper. Her fear was tangible. "I want to continue."
"Then start the memory."
Kylo had expected something gruesome, but what he saw was just another training. From the looks of it, they were at level 2, so still fairly young. The one girl that was still Shadow's friend at that time, the girl she desperately clung to, was training—more like being beaten to a pulp—in front of them. Kylo screwed his eyes shut as the girl used the Force in her desperation.
Just like he had seen when he'd visited Base Z, the girl was dragged out of the room. No doubt she was going to be put in isolation for some time. She went screaming and pleading, and young Shadow cringed under the noise until she was called forward to take the girl's place on the floor.
Kylo wondered why the memory was so painful for Shadow. He could feel adult Shadow was crying, yet he had seen this same scenario within her memories before and she had never reacted quite as strongly. It was only when the memories continued that he, as well as young Shadow, started to realise the girl wasn't returning.
They ended up at a memory of young Shadow walking up to her caretaker.
"She was murdered," adult Shadow murmured. "They wouldn't tell me, but I knew."
Kylo watched as young Shadow asked her caretaker about the probably dead girl and got punished for it. Although she was not put into one of the isolation cells, she was confined to her tiny room for a week.
It's during the memories of that week that Kylo felt the drastic decline of the Force's presence. Every now and then, he reached for young Shadow's temple to hear her thoughts. They were a litany of 'She's murdered' and 'Now I'm truly alone' to 'It's all the Force's fault' and 'She was killed because of the Force'. By the end of the week, only two thoughts remained: 'I will never have friends' and 'If I have the Force, I'll get murdered too'.
When, one morning, her caretaker returned with the message that her confinement had ended, young Shadow panicked. Somehow, within her panic, she lashed out and cut straight through her connection with the Force.
The backlash of it was painful, but Kylo watched young Shadow breathe through it, a look of determination and relief in her eyes. Out of curiosity, he reached for young Shadow's thoughts again.
'I will survive. Whatever it takes, I will survive.'
It was said with an undertone of fear and a viciousness that chilled him to the bone.
"She was murdered," adult Shadow murmured again. However, she sounded confused, somewhat uncertain, like her own thought process was muddled.
"She died, obviously," Kylo answered. "But I don't think they murder any of the children. They're too…rare a commodity," he continued with disgust in his voice.
Shadow let out a humourless, slightly unhinged laugh. Kylo didn't comment, understanding where it came from. Because what did it really matter, whether they were murdered or died because they couldn't withstand the training? Was there really any difference?
He was at a loss on how to fix the problem though. There was nothing he could say about young Shadow's conviction that she would be murdered if she used the Force. Telling her she would 'just be confined where she would either go mad or learn not to use it' was hardly reassuring. It was definitely not going to stop her from severing her bond.
He wondered how he had managed to fall into the Force when he'd reconnected Ember. If he couldn't stop Shadow, maybe he could fix it right after the disconnection, before it was too late. The timing would have to be just right. With Shadow, he'd seen her flame go out in her eyes. Maybe that was the key. He hadn't really paid attention to Shadow's eyes.
After coaxing Shadow into restarting the last memory, he crouched down to try and catch young Shadow's eyes. They were a clear blue and Kylo furrowed his brow in an attempt to remember adult Shadow's eye colour.
"They're grey now," Shadow offered up. "I don't know when they changed."
"If I'm right, they're about to," Kylo answered.
He kept gazing into those eyes, waiting, a hand just a hair's breadth from young Shadow's temple. The caretaker walked in again, panic flooded the memory, and young Shadow's eyes flickered. Kylo wanted to take a deep breath to prepare himself, but there was no time. He pressed his fingertips against young Shadow's temple and dove in.
He'd expected the overload of sensations that followed. Yet, his memory had not done it any justice. The swirling colours were dizzying, the feeling of being both stretched and compressed as disconcerting as the last time. He tried to focus on the fact that he got out safely back then, so he surely would now as well. He tried trusting the Force, even though every sane fibre of his body was demanding he would either fight or flee.
Finally, the scene stabilised. In front of him were a bundle of strands: Shadow's connection to the Force. It looked different from Ember's, more blues and greens, like clear ocean water. There were darker spots, as if mould or algae had gotten a hold of it, but it seemed fine otherwise. There was no piercing sound. On the contrary, it was so quiet it hurt his ears.
A whoosh was all the warning Kylo got before the strands were cut clean through. A clean cut with a sharp blade. Kylo lunged forward, grabbing hold of them. He'd expected a current, but what he got was a slippery surface and the feeling of water entering his lungs.
He coughed and coughed again, but it didn't help. The longer he held on, the worse the feeling got, and he fought his rising panic. He pulled on the strands he was holding. Even the blinding headache that was soon to follow was better than this drowning sensation. Once the strands met, he was thrown back with a now familiar boom.
