At first it was nice having all the time in the world to himself to do whatever he wanted. Kurt didn't have any obligations for 4 whole weeks. At first it seemed like a godsend. However, Blaine still had patients to see, and groups to run, and there was only so much time that Kurt could spend reorganizing his apartment before he thought he would go mad. He did get to spend his evenings with Blaine. He would come over to Kurt's when his day was through. After only 3 days on his own, Kurt thought he was going to lose his mind.
He called up a few old friends and arranged a lunch date for Friday. Sitting at their old cafe, trading show gossip and stories made it seem like no time had passed. The more they talked the more he realized how much he had missed while on the road.
"Wait," Kurt said, interrupting Bryant's story, "Since when does Michaela have a baby?"
Bryant looked at him like he had two heads, "How did you miss that drama? She had just booked The Prom when she found out. They didn't need a pregnant teen so she only got to perform for a few months until she started showing. She was Emma's understudy and never got to go on as her."
Kurt shook his head.
"Have you seen Malcolm since you've been back?" Rachel asked, leaning forward, a strange look of sympathy on her face.
Kurt shook his head again, "No, why would I?"
"Well, I mean you only broke up because you were going on tour. I thought you might want to rekindle your relationship now that you are back." She looked so earnest Kurt hated to break it to her.
"Is that what he told people?" Kurt asked, He really needed to assess the situation before he said more.
"Well, of course. Isn't that what happened?" Alvin asked.
"Not really. It was more than the tour. It had been coming for a while. I guess it did all come to a head because he didn't support me going on tour, but there were problems before that." Kurt tried to explain.
"Like what? You two were always so good together." Rachel exclaimed.
"The biggest would be I wasn't in love with him. I think part of me wanted to be and that was why I stayed with him so long." Kurt said looking away. He felt bad admitting it out loud to their friends. He understood why Malcolm didn't tell them the truth.
Rachel looked sad, "But he was so happy when he heard you were back in New York. I thought maybe-"
"Please tell me you didn't invite him Rachel." Kurt demanded.
"If I had known-" she began.
Almost as if on cue Malcolm walked up to their table. "Hey, Kurt."
"Hi, Malcolm." Kurt answered quietly.
"Do you mind if I join you?" he asked tentatively.
Kurt opened his mouth to say it probably wasn't a great idea when Rachel spoke over his objection. "Of course, the more the merrier. Kurt was just telling us about how it has been coming home."
Kurt shot her a deadly look before speaking, "It has been wonderful. I love my new apartment and I have gotten to spend every night with Blaine so far. Although with him working during the day I have been trying to find things to do until I start in the show."
"I could-" Malcolm began before Rachel asked the question he knew she would.
"Who's Blaine?"
Kurt's smile was genuine when he said, "My boyfriend. He is the most amazing person I have ever met. We met on tour and we just clicked. I can honestly say that I have never felt this close to anyone ever."
"He's an actor?" Alvin asked.
Kurt laughed, "No, although, I think he could be if he wanted, he has a voice to die for. He is actually a psychologist. He helps people."
"Kurt, look at you, you are practically beaming. You have it so bad for him." Rachel exclaimed, taking his hand.
He shrugged one shoulder still not able to wipe the grin off his face. "I love him." he said simply.
Conversations turned to other gossip and his friends told him about classes they were taking at the moment. Kurt made note of them in his phone, happy at the prospect of getting back to honing his craft.
They finished their meals and everyone began dwindling away. He wasn't sure how it happened but soon Kurt found himself alone with only Malcolm at the table.
"I should go," he said, feeling uncomfortable.
"Wait," Malcolm said, grabbing his elbow. "Let me walk you out."
"You don't have to," Kurt began.
"It was my polite way of saying I wanted to talk to you for a second." Malcolm cut him off.
Kurt stood up and they both walked towards the door. Once they were outside Malcom turned to him. "Are you really happy?" he asked surprising Kurt.
"I am. I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you wanted. But I am happy. You know, for a while, I thought I was broken because I couldn't make myself love you, not in the way you needed. I'm sorry. I should have ended it sooner, but I did like being with you and I didn't want to hurt you."
Malcolm nodded. "I guess I just hoped that distance would make the heart grow fonder."
"You are a great guy and one day someone will see that and- I want you to be happy too."
Malcolm just nodded again and walked off. Kurt watched him go a moment, feeling bad that he had to hurt the man again. He turned to make his way back home when he saw Rachel standing on the corner watching him.
"I really wish you had warned me about that." He scolded her as he approached.
Rachel shrugged, "If I had known the whole story I would have. You really never loved him?"
Kurt offered his arm to her as they crossed the street. "I tried, but no I never did. I mean, I thought he knew, I never told him. It's not like I was lying to him."
"And this Blaine guy?" Rachel asked looking up at him.
Kurt laughed, "I can honestly say- I love him so much. He really is- special. Want to see a picture?"
"I thought you would never ask," Rachel squealed.
He pulled out his phone and brought up one of the last pictures he took of them. They had walked past Times Square and taken selfies of them with the lights behind them, their faces close and smiles radiant.
Rachel snatched his phone away and started swiping through his pictures. They had taken several in Times Square, they were laughing, kissing, smiling at each other. She swiped to the morning before, they were in bed together, bare chested their hair gloriously sex mussed with sleepy smiles on their faces. Kurt had taken it on a whim.
He grabbed his phone from her and stuffed it into his pocket as she laughed at his red face.
"Love looks good on you Kurt. I hope to see you Wednesday at my dance class." She gave him a kiss on the cheek, extracted her arm from his and began walking toward the cross street.
"I'm happy for you, but now I have to meet him." She called back to him.
Laughing Kurt continued on his way.
Kurt was cooking dinner that night for the two of them when Blaine arrived with a bag for the weekend. Kurt kissed him long and slow, "I missed you", he mumbled against Blaine's lips.
Blaine smiled as he answered, "I missed you, too. Everything is all set up for tomorrow. Are you sure you want to do it?"
Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine's neck, not willing for there to be any more space between them yet. "As long as you are there."
Kurt had to turn back to the food to make sure he didn't burn it. Blaine wrapped his arms around his waist, kissing his neck. "I will always be here for you. How was your day?"
Kurt told him about his lunch with Rachel, Bryant and Alvin.
"The only thing was, Rachel invited my ex without telling me. That was awkward."
Blaine pulled back, and Kurt missed his touch. "Awkward how?" Blaine asked evenly.
Kurt turned around, grabbing Blaine by the waist and pulling him closer.
"Awkward, as in I think he wanted to reconnect but I shot him down before he could say anything by mentioning my insanely hot, wildly intelligent boyfriend who I love more than anything." He kissed Blaine softly on the lips. "I never loved him, never once uttered those words to him in the year we were together. Trust me, you have nothing to worry about."
"Not once?" Blaine asked, kissing Kurt again.
Kurt hummed in appreciation. "I never even signed anything love. I don't throw around that word lightly, besides family I have told a total of 2 guys I loved them. One was my first boyfriend, when I came to New York, who took my virginity and then took off and the other was you."
Blaine looked at him for a moment, his eyes misty, "Then I am truly honored. I love you, Kurt, and I'm going to keep on loving you as long as you let me."
Their kiss made Kurt's toes curl in the most delightful way. He hated having to pull away to save their food from burning.
Saturday morning Kurt dressed meticulously, not wanting anything to be out of place. He fixed his hair with care, eyeing himself in the mirror before emerging from the bathroom.
Blaine was sitting on the couch reading a book. He was dressed in a simple pair of jeans and button up shirt. He looked so much more casual than he did on a normal work day.
"Is this okay?" he asked, spreading his arms to show Blaine his outfit.
Blaine set down his book and looked intently at him, "You don't have to be so nervous. The kids are going to like you, no matter what. I promise they know it is a safe space and that goes for you too."
"I should change then, is what you are saying." Kurt said, turning around to search his closet once more.
"No!" Blaine laughed. "You look amazing, I promise."
Kurt turned back around, "I'm sorry when I am nervous I fixate on the things I can control. Right now that is my clothes."
"Are you ready to go?" Blaine asked, "If we leave now we can stop for coffee on the way."
Kurt stood next to Blaine as the room began to fill up. The chairs were set in rows. Blaine said there were too many of them with the groups combined to place them in a circle like usual. Kurt watched as the kids greeted each other, hugs and highfives exchanged. He was starting to relax when Blaine checked his watch.
"Almost time," Blaine whispered, looking around the room. "Looks like everyone is here. I'll call the meeting to order and then it's all you. Okay?"
Kurt nodded afraid that if he opened his mouth he would vomit. As Blaine walked away Kurt suddenly wondered why in the world he had agreed to this. Even when he was in the hospital he never shared all the details in group therapy. He had never told a group of people his story ever, and now Blaine expected him to tell all these kids. He took a deep breath, pushing the panic down. He could do this. It was important to do this. Every night on tour he had spread the message that no one deserved to disappear. He needed to share his story, not just Evans.
Blaine held up his hand to the chattering teenagers and the noise began to die down. "Okay guys, I told you all this week in group that if you came today I would have a very special speaker for you. Remember all rules still apply, even though these aren't our normal groups. We will be respectful of others' stories and what is said here, stays here."
The group all nodded their heads like they didn't need reminding of the rules.
"I talk a lot about how everyone has a story and their journey is unique to them, but we all can learn something from each other's stories. I would like to invite a person very special to me to share his story with you. I would like to introduce to you, my boyfriend, Kurt."
Blaine held his hand out presenting Kurt to the group. He could hear whispers as what he had said sunk in the group. Blaine took a seat in front of the group beside where Kurt stood. Kurt took one more steadying breath before opening his mouth.
"I know normally anonymity is important in groups like this, but I want you to know me, not just my first name. My name is Kurt Hummel, I am gay and when I was 17 I tried to kill myself." He waited looking around the group as his words sunk in.
"I was blessed with a wonderful and supportive father. He wasn't always perfect, but he always tried. I had a few friends but life wasn't easy. I grew up in Ohio, which, let me tell you is not a gay mecca and I endured a lot of hate on a daily basis. When you are treated like garbage everyday, it is hard not to feel like you are. It wore me down, but I was doing okay."
The room was silent, their attention all on Kurt.
"Then things got worse. I was sexually assaulted. I tried for a long time not to think of it in those terms, it was just a kiss, but no matter how you look at it that is what it was. A closeted football player, took my first kiss from me in a locker room after tormenting me for months. In his fear of who he was, he escalated, threatening my life on multiple occasions if I told. But I always have and always will believe it is important to allow people to come out when they are ready. I never intended to tell. It didn't matter how much I told him this, he became relentless. When I finally told my dad about the death threats, he took it to the principal and the kid was expelled.'
He saw many in the group sigh in relief.
"But that wasn't the end. If it was I might not be here talking to you about my experience. You see, in the moment that my dad, my biggest supporter, was gone, I was told that my word wasn't good enough to expel another student and he would be returning to school. This was something at the time I couldn't face. I thought it would be easier if I just wasn't anymore. I was lucky my step brother cared for me, even though the two of us had our issues in the past. He knew something was up, he knew that I needed help and he came to find me. I'm here today because he found me."
He let his words hang for a moment before continuing.
"I regret trying to kill myself. Not only did I hurt myself but I hurt my friends and family. I missed out on opportunities I was looking forward to. In the end, things did change at school, but there were other ways I could have brought about those changes. "
He looked at a boy who was wiping tears from his face. "Each and every one of you are strong enough and you deserve to be here. The world is a better place because you are in it. Because I am here, because someone found me in time, I get to spread a message almost every night about how no one deserves to be forgotten."
"How?' A voice said.
Kurt looked around trying to find who said it but couldn't. "I'm an actor. I just finished a tour of Dear Evan Hansen and will be taking over the role here in New York in a few weeks. But my job doesn't mean that my life is more important than any of yours. I know it is hard, and sometimes it feels like things will never be okay. I promise, as cliche as it sounds, it does get better. 7 years ago, I couldn't imagine I would be doing what I love, that someone would love me for me, that I would be living in the city of my dreams. But I have it, every bit of it. You can too. You just have to hold on and fight for it."
He looked over at Blaine. He didn't know what else he could say.
"Are there any questions?" Blaine asked the group.
There was a smattering of questions, Kurt was surprised how respectful they were. He answered each as honestly as he could.
Finally Blaine said, okay last question. Then one young man at the back tentatively raised his hand. There were others but Kurt pointed to him.
"I don't know the show, can you share something with us? Maybe?"
"I don't think it-" Blaine started.
"It's okay Blaine. Honestly, it would be an honor, let me just find-" He pulled out his phone and found a backing track. YouTube has everything you could hope for.
Out of all the songs he could sing, there was only one that he thought they needed to hear. He pushed play and sang You Will Be Found.
He looked at each person as he sang. Singing to them. Where the dialogue would normally begin he turned the track off. Their applause meant more to him than an entire theatre.
It took them longer to leave than Kurt would have imagined. A lot of the kids wanted to stay and talk . Kurt tried to make time for each of them. It was getting dark when they were ready to leave.
"Want to come to my place?" Blaine asked, "It's just around the corner."
Kurt took his hand and nodded. He hadn't been to Blaine's place yet and he was anxious to see it in real life. A door man let them into the building and they rode up the elevator to Blaine's apartment. It was much larger than Kurt's, open and elegant in a way his wasn't.
"Wow," he breathed.
"Just so you know," Blaine said, "I like your place better."
"Why?" Kurt asked incredulously.
"Because you're in it." Blaine said with a smile.
Kurt kissed him, "Well I'm in yours now."
"Is that a promise?" Blaine asked, wagging his eyebrows.
Kurt playfully hit him in the shoulder, "Well, not until after you feed me. I am not that cheap."
"Take out okay?" Blaine asked.
They snuggled on Blaine's couch as they waited for their food to arrive and Kurt couldn't help but think how perfect this was; being here with Blaine. He kissed him long and sweetly pouring in all his love he had.
"What was that for?" Blaine asked.
"For finding me." Kurt said simply, leaning in for another kiss.
